* The conversation that went nowhere, fast.
--> '''Bartender''': Well, it's your lucky day, [[StarTrekTheOriginalSeries Captain Kirk]]. He's in the can.
--> '''Lincoln''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint He's in a can?]]
--> '''Bartender''': Takin' a dump.
--> '''Lincoln''': [[TooDumbToLive A dump? Taking it where?]]
--> '''Bartender''': Tell you what, Bubba, you're fixing to get on my nerves. First door on the right.
--> '''Lincoln''': Thank you.
** Then Jordan and the Bartender.
--> '''Bartender''': (''to Jordan'') Something to drink? Jack?
--> '''Jordan''': Yes, please.
--> '''Bartender''': Straight up? (''Jordan looks up at the ceiling'')
* Don't you just ''[[SarcasmMode looove]]'' those 'first meetings'.
--> '''Tom Lincoln''': Why is my insurance policy sitting in my fuckin' sofa?
* A construction worker's reaction after seeing Jordan and Lincoln surviving a Michael Bay action sequence that wrecked a building:
--> '''Worker''': Jesus must ''love'' '''you!'''
** [[DeusExMachina (Amen, brother!)]]
* Jordan finally figures out this "sex" thing and demonstrates it to Lincoln.
--> '''Lincoln''': Why didn't we ever do this before?
--> '''Jordan''': Shut up!