!!The book

* Yvaine's first line in the book is, "Ow. Fuck. Ow."
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!!The film
* Dunstan using very basic logic as to why he should go through the wall.
-->'''Guard:''' I'm charged with guarding the portal to another world, and you're asking me to just let you through!\\
'''Dunstan:''' [[BluntYes Yes.]] Because, let's be honest, it's a field. Look, do you see another world out there? No, you see a field. Do you see anything non-human? No. And you know why? Because it's a field!\\
'''Guard:''' Hundreds of years this wall's been here. Hundreds of years this gap's been under a twenty-four-hour guard.\\
'''Dunstan:''' Well...\\
'''Guard:''' One more word, and I'll have you up in front of the village council!\\
'''Dunstan:''' ''[taken aback]'' Well, that... that sounds rather final... I suppose I'd better just go home then...\\
'''Guard:''' Right then. Night, Dunstan. ''[Dunstan begins to walk away]'' Give my best to your father.\\
''[suddenly, Dunstan turns around and runs and crosses the wall]''\\
'''Guard:''' Stop! Stop!
* The Bishop proposes a toast to Primus, Septimus, and Tertius, unaware that someone has poisoned the wine:
-->'''Bishop:''' ''[toasting the princes]'' To the new King of Stormhold. Whichever of you fine young men it might be.\\
'''The Princes:''' To the new King of Stormhold. ''[They acknowledge him and drink. Seconds later, the bishop's face contorts, and he collapses, dead. They look uncomprehendingly at their cups, and then eye each other suspiciously.]''\\
'''Tertius:''' Hmmm. ''[He breaks the atmosphere with a laugh. He suddenly starts wheezing, and he too collapses, dead.]''\\
'''Septimus:''' ''[to Primus]'' You! ''[Septimus clutches his throat and chokes on the poison, and collapses, seemingly dead. Primus' eyes light up in realization that he is now the future king of Stormhold. He picks up the crown reverently, accompanied by swelling music...which abruptly [[LettingTheAirOutOfTheBand peters out]] when Septimus suddenly bursts out laughing and stands up sporting a wild grin.]''\\
'''Septimus:''' You really thought ''you'' were king!\\
'''Primus:''' ''[crestfallen]'' You killed the bishop.\\
'''Septimus:''' ''[seriously]'' No, Primus, I think you'll find that ''you'' killed the bishop by [[PoisonedChaliceSwitcheroo drinking out of the wrong cup]]. ''[{{beat}}]'' Oh, look, once you've finished wrestling with your conscience, may I suggest you return to your chamber. Leave the quest for the stone to me.
* Many of Tristan's scenes are absolutely hilarious, if only because of how utterly confused he looks by all the weirdness that's going on around him.
* Tristan is turned into a mouse by Ditchwater Sal. Yvaine tries to punch and kick Sal, only to be foiled by a spell Lamia had put on Sal a few days earlier to keep Sal from seeing or touching the star. Upon realizing she's virtually invisible to Sal, during the ride, Yvaine says:
-->'''Yvaine:''' Would I be correct in thinking that you can neither see nor hear me? Then I'd like to tell you that you smell of pee! You look like the wrong end of a dog! And I swear, if I don't get my Tristan back as he was, I'll be your personal poltergeist!
* When Tristan first meets Yvaine, Yvaine's very matter-of-fact way of telling Tristan that ''she's'' the fallen star:
-->'''Tristan:''' Oh, excuse me, madam, sorry, this may see strange but, have you seen a fallen star anywhere?\\
'''Yvaine:''' ''[laughs bitterly]'' You're funny.\\
'''Tristan:''' No, really! We're in a crater, this must be where it fell.\\
'''Yvaine:''' Yeah, this is where it fell. It is. Or if you want to be really specific, ''[points to the sky]'' up there is where this weird bloody necklace came out of nowhere and knocked it out of the heavens when it was minding its own business. ''[points to a few feet away]'' And over ''there'' is where it landed. ''[points to herself]'' And right here, this is where it got hit by a ''magical, flying '''moron!'''''\\
''[Tristan goes bug-eyed]''\\
'''Tristan:''' ''You're'' the star?! You're the star? Really? Oh, wow! I'm sorry, I had no idea you'd be a... [[PreemptiveApology Oh, I, may I just say in advance that I'm sorry.]]\\
'''Yvaine:''' Sorry for what?\\
'''Tristan:''' For this. ''[Tristan takes out the enchanted chain and ties it around Yvaine's wrist]'' Now, if I'm not mistaken this means you have to come with me. You're going to be a birthday gift for Victoria, my true love.\\
'''Yvaine:''' [[SarcasmMode But of course!]] Nothing says "romance" like the gift of a kidnapped, injured woman! I'm not going anywhere with you!
** It really isn't helped by Tristan's fantastic CrashIntoHello on Yvaine, and him thinking at first that she's his mother.
* Bernard, transformed into a woman, is seen sneaking looks at Yvaine in the bath. This is topped later when he tries to serve poisoned wine to Tristan in the stables. Tristan asks for "her" name, and "she" replies, in a very deep masculine voice, "Bernard". Tristan does a double take.
** Alongside Bernard, Lamia also turns Billy, Bernard's goat, into a human. Thing is, [[HughMann Billy doesn't have a human brain, so he continues to act like a goat]], such as leaping over furniture rather than walking around it, and eating inedible materials, much to [[FacePalm Lamia's exasperation]] while she's trying to lure Yvaine into her trap.
* Tristan's near-perpetual 'What the hell' expression, being a FishOutOfWater (to begin with). Once he gets used to it, he seems all cool and confident, rolling with the weirdness. Then, he [[spoiler: runs into his mother and finds out he's the new King of Stormhold.]] His baffled expression during [[spoiler: the coronation]] is absolutely priceless.
* Captain Shakespeare and his band of [[spoiler:not so]] bloodthirsty pirates. They're a pretty funny bunch.
--> '''Crew:''' ''[cheerful]'' ARGH!
* The exasperated look on the first mate's face whenever Captain Shakespeare (or at one point, Tristan) forgets to act tough and pirate-y.
** Said first mate is clearly the brains of the operation, and when the pirates are faced down by Septimus' men, he makes a flourishing mock bow. The soldiers, trained in martial courtesy, perform an elaborate salute... [[CombatPragmatist and immediately get attacked mid-salute.]]
* The background expression made by the shipmate who is winding up the gramophone in the middle of Tristan and Yvaine's DanceOfRomance -- he looks really into it.
* The whole pirate fight with Septimus, when he barges in on Captain Shakespeare [[https://24.media.tumblr.com/3c311154685855e1d6ababa1d5574ae3/tumblr_ms67jv0S2f1st2uopo5_500.gif dancing]] in [[https://31.media.tumblr.com/50741a8453694a1fb3cce4761cc259cd/tumblr_ms67jv0S2f1st2uopo6_500.gif drag]] to "Music/TheCancanSong" (complete with a flat "[[https://24.media.tumblr.com/23b14cda130860f28cc02d73ad9c346e/tumblr_ms67jv0S2f1st2uopo9_500.gif What the]] [[https://24.media.tumblr.com/622ad3e722f3f295d900a930af76bf4a/tumblr_mjasvvHxWB1s2cdnto3_250.gif hell is this]]?" reaction), and said music continues through the upstairs fight as the background soundtrack, [[MickeyMousing with swords]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NrqftLip64 clashing in time to the music]].
** And the pirates' reassurance that they still love him as he is.
--->'''Pirate:''' It's alright, captain. We've always known you were a whoopsie!\\
''(another pirate {{Dope Slap}}s him)''
* Septimus's response to his father pointing out that the throne passes to a ''male'' heir, based on his not unreasonable suspicion that he offed his missing sister Una, whom ''we'' know is Ditchwater Sal's slave and Tristan's mother: "Why would I kill my sister when these two cretins are still alive?"
** Just the way his father asks, with the tone implying Septimus is a mischievous boy suspected of some amusing prank.
* At the wedding/coronation at the end, Captain Shakespeare gives a glance and knowing wink to Humphrey, who returns a faint smile and a possible return wink, meaning he's either bisexual, he's a fellow crossdresser, he's secretly gay and Victoria's TheBeard, or he's [[NotSoAboveItAll just rolling with the weirdness]], much to Victoria's dismay. After this, we also see a priceless reaction shot of Victoria [[SilentSnarker rolling her eyes at Tristan and Yvaine's kiss, as if to say "Whatever!"]]
* Septimus' testing of the Soothsayer and his runes, maintaining the same cheerful, amiable tone. The fact that ''each line'' is delivered in ''exactly'' the same tone is what sells it.
-->'''Septimus:''' "South," you said. "South" we went. Still no stone. Do you now propose we start ''swimming''?
-->'''Soothsayer:''' Sire, I've merely relayed to you what the runes have told me. I can do no more.
-->'''Septimus:''' Well, consult them ''again''. ''[holds up his hand, stopping the soothsayer before he can throw them]'' Wait! Before we seek the stone... I have another question: Am I the seventh son?
-->'''Soothsayer''': ''[throws the runes, they land face up]'' Yes.
-->'''Septimus''': Is my favourite colour blue?
-->'''Soothsayer:''' ''[throws the runes, they land face up again]'' Yes.
-->'''Septimus:''' ''[his expression growing cold as his tone remains cheerful]'' Has excessive begging or pleading ''ever'' persuaded me to spare the life of a traitor?
-->'''Soothsayer:''' ''[throws the runes, they land face down]'' Um...
-->'''Septimus:''' ''[curiously]'' What does that mean?
-->'''Soothsayer:''' ''[has figured out that the jig is up]'' That means "no".
-->'''Septimus:''' Good! Throw them again - this time, throw them ''high''. ''[The soothsayer obliges as Septimus' voice goes absolutely deadly serious]'' ...do you work for my brother? ''[The runes land showing "yes", and Septimus kills the soothsayer]''
* Tertius's ghost sees that Tristan is in love with Yvaine and that coitus is about to ensue, and excitedly tells the others, "Come and see this!", prompting the other ghosts to call him a pervert. This gains a certain {{Squick}} and comedy value when it turns out that Tristan is his nephew. One wonders if his shocked expression after TheReveal has something to do with this.
* Captain Shakespeare is fencing lightning bolts through Ferdy. Shakespeare wants to sell for a very firm price, but Ferdy refuses to budge:
-->'''Captain Shakespeare:''' So! Name your best price.\\
'''Ferdy:''' For 10,000 bolts?\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' 10,000 bolts of finest quality Grade A.\\
'''Ferdy:''' Yeah, but it's difficult to ship, isn't it? Difficult to store. If I get the revenue man in here sniffing around. Uhmmm... Best price: 150 Guineas.\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' ''[to his crew]'' Gentlemen, put the merchandise back on board and prepare to sail.\\
'''Ferdy:''' Whoa, whoa! Hold on. Hold on. One minute, Cuddles. 160? 160.\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' Seeing as I'm feeling particularly generous today, I'll settle for 200.\\
'''Ferdy:''' 200? Okay, you're having a laugh. ''[laughs]'' Have you had your head in that? Has he been staying up where the air's too thin? ''[emits a "cuckoo" whistle and lifts his hat off his head to emphasize it]''\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' ''[darkly]'' You're being very rude.\\
'''Ferdy:''' Not any more.\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' 200.\\
'''Ferdy:''' 180.\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' 200.\\
'''Ferdy:''' That's not negotiation! I'm changing my number, 185!\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' Did I hear 200?\\
'''Ferdy:''' From you, you did. Yeah.\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' You said 200?\\
'''Ferdy:''' If I did, you're a ventriloquist. Okay, 195. Final offer.\\
'''Captain Shakespeare:''' 195 it is. ''[they shake hands]'' So, with sales tax, that's... let's see... 200.\\
'''Ferdy:''' ''[resignedly]'' Brilliant. Put it in the back.
** On a similar note, after Lamia makes Ferdy only capable of making chicken noises, Septimus tries to interrogate him. As Septimus gets more and more enraged by what he perceives as mocking, he stabs Ferdy with the line "What a freak." He then hands the knife to one of his men and tells him to "Clean this... thoroughly." Mark Strong's deadpan delivery just sells it.
* When Septimus finds Primus's dead body, we see that while Lamia has used her magic to get rid of the inn after her attempt on Yvaine's life failed, she somehow, for some reason, didn't bother to destroy the bathtub.
* When Lamia magically drowns Septimus, his ghost appears next to those of his brothers, soaking wet and decidedly un-dashing. As he stares about in shock, Primus grabs part of his coat to put over his lap so that he ''finally'' has some coverage.
** Later, when Lamia reanimates Septimus's corpse to fight Tristan, the other six dead princes turn to look at Septimus's ghost. The look on his face is somewhere between "WTF?" and "Um, don't look at ''me.''"
* As his father lays on his death bed, he tells [[PrinceCharming Secundus]] to look out the window and tell him what he sees. While dimbulb Secundus guesses, "My kingdom?" hopefully, the triumphant musical score makes you think he's about to be declared the heir...then the king subtly encourages Septimus to [[DestinationDefenestration push him to his death]]. As Secundus falls, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uopoXtR0Kjk the king begins laughing uproariously as the camera pans up to Secundus's ghost joining the ghosts of the other dead brothers.]]
-->'''Quartus, Quintus, Sextus''': Secundus!\\
'''Secundus''': Sextus, Quartus, Quintus? You're alive! ''[the three shake their heads]'' Oh. I'm-\\
'''Sextus''': -stuck like this until the new king is crowned.\\
'''Secundus''': I was ''that'' close!\\
'''Quartus''': Least you haven't lost your looks. ''[he, Quintus, and Sextus snicker]''\\
'''Secundus''': Oh, please, you're not annoyed about that whole murder thing, are you? I mean, that was ten years ago.\\
'''Quartus''': Yeah, great deal of good it did killing me, didn't it, Secundus? Because now, of course, you are King of all Stormhold. Oh, sorry, wait, you're dead.
** There's also the fact that the ghosts are not only stuck waiting to move on, [[JacobMarleyApparel they're also stuck as they were at the moment of their death]] -- meaning Quintus has an axe sticking out of his head, Secundus has his hair billowing off to the side of a ''heavily'' squashed face due to landing from a great height, Sextus is half immolated, Quartus is frozen and covered in ice, and as Primus died in the bath, he spends his afterlife naked and constantly having to borrow his brothers' coat tails to preserve his dignity.
** The ghosts of the dead princes make a great GreekChorus in general, such as sniggering in the background when Septimus very briefly thinks he's King after finding Primus' body. Primus, meanwhile, is strolling alongside him and wearing the smuggest expression possible, just waiting for Septimus to realise he needs to find the ruby.
* When Sal restores Tristan to human form, he groggily says [[WrongNameOutburst "Victoria"]] to Yvaine before collapsing, prompting her to give him a magnificent DeathGlare.
--> "[[BrickJoke I think I preferred]] [[CallBack 'mother']]."
* Yvaine, upon discovering that Tristan could understand ''every word she was saying'' while he was transformed: "You were a mouse! You wanted cheese!"
* Captain Shakespeare gives Tristan a makeover, including a ''haircut'' that somehow turns his short, floppy hair into flowing locks that extend past his shoulders. This plus Tristan's confused expression sells the magic without any special effects necessary.
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