* The Alcatraz tour, full stop.
* Creator/StevenWright as the pilot. "That's the artificial horizon...which is better than the ''actual'' horizon."
* "Hey, somebody needs a hug!"
* "...I'm naked, aren't I?"
* "This poem... sucks."
* "Let's get pissed!"
* "We have a piper down! S'alright, he's just pissed!"
* "That boy's heed is like an orange on a toothpick!"
** "He probably cries himself to sleep each night on his ''huge'' pillow."
** Even though the kid's name (Willy) is spoken in the film, he's still listed as "Heed" in the credits.
* Practically anything Stuart says or does can easily qualify, really. Here's another wee sampling, after he's questioned about who's in the "Pentavirate" he believes controls the world:
-->'''Stuart:''' The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, ''and'' Colonel Sanders, before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with his wee '''beady''' eyes, and that smug look on his face. ''*whiny voice*'' "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ooohh!"\\
'''Charlie:''' Dad... how can you ''hate'' "The Colonel"?\\
'''Stuart:''' Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ye crave it fortnightly, ''SMMMM'''ARTARSE!'''''
** On a meta note, Anthony [=LaPaglia=] visibly unable to control a laughing fit during the scene, to the point he can barely squeak out his line.
* (About haggis) "I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."