* At the beginning:
--> '''Wash:''' If Kaylee doesn't give us some extra flow from the engine room to offset the burn-through, this landing is gonna get pretty interesting.\\
'''Mal:''' Define "interesting".\\
'''Wash:''' "Oh God oh God we're all gonna die"?\\
'''Mal:''' ''[over intercom]'' This is the Captain. We have a little problem with our entry sequence, so we might experience some slight turbulence, and then... explode. ''[to Wash]'' Can you shave the vector?\\
'''Wash:''' I'm doing it, it's not enough.\\
'''Mal:''' Well, just get us on the ground.\\
'''Wash:''' That part'll happen pretty definitely!
** "We're gonna explode? I don't wanna explode!"
** You can't leave out how all that starts out: We have an ''epically'' beautiful shot of Serenity on land approach, badass music blasting over the roar of atmo entry (the one time where SpaceIsNoisy is justified), and...**WHUMP** Oops, there goes the primary buffer panel.
--->'''Mal:''' [[OhCrap What was that?]]
** Also can't forget how that comes up again [[spoiler: [[BookEnds right at the end]], just as the reborn Serenity goes full burn...and loses a tail piece. ''With the same tone and inflection''.]]
* When fleeing from the Reavers:
--> '''Jayne''': I won't get et! You shoot me if they take me! \\
''[Mal aims pistol squarely at Jayne]'' \\
'''Jayne''': Well, don't shoot me first!
* As River fights in the bar:
-->'''Fanty''': Do you know that girl?\\
'''Mal''': I really don't.
* Kaylee after Simon confesses his feelings for her:
-->'''Simon''': In all that time on the ship... I've always regretted... not being with you.\\
'''Kaylee''': With me? You mean to say... as in sex?\\
'''Simon''' (''flustered'')''':''' I... mean to say.\\
'''Kaylee''': To Hell with this. ''(DramaticGunCock)'' I'm gonna live!
* When they enter the bar:
-->'''Kaylee''': [[ADateWithRosiePalms It's been going on a year now I ain't had nothin' betwixt my nethers that weren't run on batteries!]]\\
'''Mal''': [[NoJustNoReaction Oh god]]! [[BrainBleach I can't know that]]!\\
'''Jayne''': [[LovableSexManiac I could stand to hear a little more]].
* After the Reaver chase at the beginning:
-->'''Simon''': River! Are you alright?\\
'''River''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I swallowed a bug...]]
* This exchange:
-->'''Mal:''' You want to run this ship?! \\
'''Jayne:''' [[RhetoricalQuestionBlunder Yes]]! \\
'''Mal:''' ''[thrown off]'' ...[[LameComeback Well, you can't!]]
* Those grenades Mal didn't want Jayne to take along... one Reaver ship later:
--> Jayne: "Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some ''grenades'', don't you think?"
* A guard at the company the crew is robbing asks for a password. Jayne fires his machine gun.
--> ''"Okay!"''
** The guard then discussing where he wants to be shot (so he can avoid punishment for allowing the robbery to take place), with him and Mal debating the merits of a bullet through various areas of human anatomy.
--->'''Mal''': The leg is good, it'll bleed plenty, and we avoid any necessary organs.\\
'''Guard''': I was thinking more of a graze...\\
'''Mal''': Well, you don't want it to look like you just gave up.
* Jayne calling for Mal when the Reavers arrive:
--> Every heist he's gotta start yellin' my name!
* If you ever think you're alone, check the ceiling for [[CovertPervert Ceiling]] [[MemeticMutation River]].
* ‎"I've staked my crew's life on the theory you're a person, actual and whole. And if I'm wrong, you'd best shoot me now." ''[[DramaticGunCock *click*]]'' "... or... we could talk more."
* "Zoe, ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, or you don't hear from me within the hour,[[spoiler: you take this ship and you come and you rescue me!]]
** Zoe's reply as well: [[spoiler: "What? And risk my ship?"]] [[SarcasmMode How thoughtful of her.]]
* Mal sneaking into the Companion's Guild's building by dressing like a woman, then kneeling next to Inara as she meditates in front of a Buddha statue.
--> '''Mal:''' Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket...
* "[[HiddenDepths Yes, I've read a poem.]] [[DeadpanSnarker Try not to faint.]]"
** Even funnier because Inara's "WTF?" reaction was a silent FunnyBackgroundEvent. Mal knew Inara well enough to expect her reaction.
* When the Operative and Mal first meet, and Mal tries to goad him:
-->'''The Operative:''' Captain Reynolds, I should tell you so that you don't waste your time; you cannot make me angry.\\
'''Inara:''' Please, spend an hour with him.
-->'''Mal:''' ''Looks pleased and proud for a second, then he realizes what Inara said and gives her a swift glare.'' Hey!
** [[BrickJoke Brick Joke'd]] a while later when Mal does, in fact, succeed in pissing him off.
* This exchange between Mal and the Operative:
--> '''The Operative:''' I'm not threatening you. I'm unarmed.\\
'''Mal:''' Good. ''([[CombatPragmatist He whips out his pistol and shoots the Operative.]] He turns to leave, and the Operative jumps him from behind.)''\\
'''The Operative:''' I am of course wearing [[BulletproofVest full body armor]]. [[DangerouslyGenreSavvy I am not a moron.]]
* At the heist at the beginning, they open the safe door...only to find almost nothing in it.
-->'''Zoe:''' [[DeadpanSnarker At last, we can retire and give up this life of crime]].
* In the midst of River's breakdown:
--> '''Simon''': Am I.. talking to Miranda now?\\
'''River''': (Shoots him a look of hilarious contempt that just says "You're a boob.")
* When several of the crew are eavesdropping on [[BelligerentSexualTension Mal and Inara's]] conversation, they groan and [[PassThePopcorn throw popcorn]] at the screen when Mal [[BlatantLies claims that Kaylee has been missing Inara]].
** And of course, Zoe and Mal's assessment of that conversation.
-->'''Zoe''': So...trap?
-->'''Mal''': Trap.
** A bit later, Mal explains his reasons for knowing said conversation was bait for a trap:
-->'''Kaylee''': How do you know Inara don't just... wanna see you? People do have feelings.
-->'''Mal''': You all were watchin', I take it?
-->''*awkward silence*''
-->'''Kaylee''': ...yes.
-->'''Mal''': [[BelligerentSexualTension You see us fight?]]
-->'''Kaylee''': No.
-->'''Mal''': [[OutOfCharacterAlert Trap.]]
** There's also an amusing outtake where Mal puts a SurroundedByIdiots spin on that last line: ''"TRAP!!"''
* [[HilariousOuttakes GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!]]
* The Operative, normally the absolute epitome of Cool, ''completely losing his shit'' on seeing the Reavers.
-->'''SOMEBODY, FIRE!!!!"
* This exchange between Mal and the Operative in the generator room:
-->'''Operative''': ''[re: Mal's determination to get the word out about Miranda]'' Are you willing to die for that belief?
-->'''Mal''': I am.
-->''[a {{Beat}}, then Mal whips out his gun and opens fire, forcing the Operative to seek cover]''
-->'''Mal''': ...'Course, that ain't exactly Plan A.
* Mr. Universe marrying his love-bot.
-->'''Mr. Universe''': She wrote her own vows. I cried, like a baby. [[TooMuchInformation A hungry, angry baby]].