* "Never put a blanket over an owl! It's just too hard! You gotta get your hand in..." ''*mimes awkwardly putting hand in cage*'' "And the owl might do that." ''*steps away a foot to the side*''
** "Unless, of course, you're babysitting an owl and he wants tucking in. 'Can you tuck me in please?' 'No, I went to Ross's owl lecture and he told me never to put a blanket over an owl!' 'But I'm ever so chilly.' 'All right, just this once - but it's breaking all the rules.' How do you even know when you've tucked an owl in?! They haven't got necks, have they? An owl is essentially a one-piece unit! 'It's not high enough!' 'Well, how about...' 'It's still not high enough! Doesn't even cover me owl boobs!' 'Okay, how about here?' 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!' 'Well, I don't know where your neck is!' 'Well, you could have asked!'"
** "'Or at least used an owl neck detection device!' It's essentially just a stick with an arrow on it."
** "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU DIRTY OWL BASTARD?! 'I'm giving you the thumbs up!' 'Well, reach ''around'' the blanket! 'It's quite hard in these little pyjamas!'"
* His explanation as to the correct way to glue meat to your face.
* "Help! Help! This child is being bummed in the face!"
* The entire story about the can-chasing tramp and the Hare Krishnas.
* "Should your house burn down and you lose everything, my advice would be - don't turn to your wife and say: 'This means that technically I'm now sleeping with a homeless woman.'"
* His routine about how he used to annoy his wife when they went shopping together ("Fran! Do we need dog food?!") and how she got her revenge.
* "Sweet, sweet piggy titties!"