* Pullo and Vorenus are marching back from Gaul, about to return to Rome.
-->'''Pullo''': Here I come, girls! I'm gonna drink all the wine, smoke all the smoke, and fuck every whore in the city!
-->'''Vorenus''': Show some dignity! You're under the standard!
-->'''Pullo''': Me? What about him?
-->''(He looks over, and sees [[AnythingThatMoves their commander Mark Antony]] having rough sex with a shepherd woman fifty feet away against a tree)''
-->'''Vorenus''': He's not, uh... ''[[LoopholeAbuse under]]'' [[LoopholeAbuse the standard.]]
* Mark Antony's rather strong pronouncement that he wants to stay in bed...
-->I'm not rising out of bed until I fuck someone.
** Mirrored by Atia's "fine fine" answer:
-->Fine, fine. Merula, fetch that German slut from the kitchen.
* Pullo and Vorenus find that Pompey's troops have stopped defending the city.
-->'''Vorenus''': This can only mean that the Republic has fallen!
-->'''Pullo''': And yet, the sky is still above us and the earth still below. Strange.
-->'''Vorenus''': If Mars were watching, he would never allow such dishonor.
-->'''Pullo''': Maybe he was having a crap and missed it.
* Pullo giving Vorenus romantic advice.
-->'''Pullo''': She's got this little spot right above her cunny, like a little bump. Now, attend to that little spot, and she'll open up to you like a flower.
-->'''Vorenus (horrified)''': How do you know this of her?!
-->'''Pullo''': (Stunned beat) All women have them! Ask anyone!
* Atia and Octavia arguing over who will kill who when their house was under siege by Pompeii's men in episode 3.
-->'''Atia''' - (to her slave) ...and then you must kill Octavia if I am taken alive. Them you must kill yourself. Your survival would be inappropriate.
-->'''Octavia''' - I don't want you to kill me.
-->'''Atia''' - Why, are you still at mad at me?
* Atia's gift of a well-endowed slave to Cervilia.
-->"A large penis is always welcome".
* The darkly hilarious coda to "Egeria", where the legionaries are shivering on the deck of a galley as it battles through a raging storm.
-->'''Titus Pullo:''' This is cack, this is! I'm wet through!\\
'''Lucius Vorenus:''' We're perfectly safe -- a very good offering was made to Triton! [son of Neptune, god of the Sea]\\
'''Pullo:''' If Triton can't keep me drier than this, he can suck my cock!\\
'''Vorenus:''' Why can't you learn to keep your fat mouth shut?!\\
''(ship's mast breaks)''
* Pullo goes to a high class brothel to find a girl for Octavian and is outraged by their prices. But while he and the madam are waiting for Octavian to finish his business, Pullo starts to hesitantly suggest that "as long as he's with the quality" (meaning the upper class):
-->'''Madam:''' (without looking up from her ledger) Not a chance!
-->'''Atia:''' Octavian! Have you penetrated anyone yet?
* After Cervilia's [[spoiler: suicide]]:
-->'''Mark Antony:''' Now ''that'' is an exit.