Can we just count this whole show as one giant Crowning Moment of Funny? No?

Okay, then!

* For starters, let's mention [[ the Self-Defense Against Fresh Fruit class]]. On its own it's just a one-dimensional joke, but the pure insanity of the self-defense instructor (played by Creator/JohnCleese) kicks the whole thing UpToEleven.
** As the sketch opens, the students are sick to death of learning about defending themselves against attackers armed with fresh fruit, but their protests go ignored.
--->'''Instructor:''' Now, self-defence! Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit! ''[the students groan]''\\
'''Michael:''' You promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.\\
'''Instructor:''' What do you mean!?\\
'''Terry:''' We've done fruit the last nine weeks!\\
'''Instructor:''' What's wrong with fruit?! You think you know it all, eh!?\\
'''Michael:''' But couldn't we do something else, for a change?\\
'''Eric:''' ''[smiles]'' Like someone who attacks you with a pointèd stick?\\
'''Instructor:''' ''[livid]'' Pointed sticks?! Oh, oh, oh, we want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Oh, oh, oh, oh, ''well I'll tell you something, my lad!!'' When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, ''don't come crying to me!''
** The instructor finally establishes that he hasn't taught the class how to defend themselves against someone armed with a banana.
--->'''Instructor:''' Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against the banana fiend! First of all, you force him to drop the banana! Next, you eat the banana, thus disarming him! You have now rendered him helpless!\\
'''Michael:''' Supposing he's got a bunch.\\
'''Instructor:''' ... SHUT UP!\\
'''Eric:''' Supposing he's got a pointèd stick.\\
'''Instructor:''' Shut up!
** He tells them the key is to disarm the attacker and then eat the banana. What he doesn't tell them is that disarming the attacker involves shooting him, as Mr. Apricot - er, Harrison (Creator/GrahamChapman) - finds out the difficult (and fatal) way.
--->'''Instructor:''' Come at me with that banana! Come at me with it! As long as you like. C'mon, c'mon, come--\\
''[Graham calmly walks towards the instructor non-threateningly]''\\
'''Instructor:''' NO, NO, no, no, no, no, no! Put something into it! For God's sake! HOLD IT LIKE THAT! SCREAM! NOW C'MON, C'MON ATTACK ME! C'MON, C'MON!\\
''[Graham screams wildly and charges toward the instructor, who then draws a gun and shoots him dead]''\\
'''Instructor:''' NOW... ''[picks up banana]'' now, I eat the banana!
** As the students protest, they discover one of their instructor's fears:
--->'''Instructor:''' Look, I'm only doing me job! I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit!\\
'''Eric:''' [[RunningGag And pointèd sticks.]]\\
'''Instructor:''' SHUT UP!\\
'''Michael:''' Supposing someone come at you with a banana and you haven't got a gun?\\
'''Instructor:''' ''[pause]'' Run for it.\\
'''Terry:''' Well, you could stand- you could stand and scream for help.\\
'''Instructor:''' Yeah, yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe!\\
'''Terry:''' Pineapple?\\
'''Instructor:''' ''[alarmed]'' WHERE!? WHERE?!\\
'''Terry:''' Nowhere! I was just saying "pineapple"!\\
'''Instructor:''' Oh blimey, I thought my number was on that one.\\
'''Terry:''' What, on the pineapple?\\
'''Instructor:''' ''[panicked]'' WHERE?! WHERE!?\\
'''Terry:''' No, no, no, I was just repeating it!\\
'''Instructor:''' Oh. Oh, I see. Right.
** The instructor then forces Mr. Tinned Peach - er, Thompson (Creator/TerryJones) - to lunge at him with a raspberry. Thompson is not so keen:
--->'''Instructor:''' Come on, be as vicious as you like with it!\\
'''Terry:''' ''[flatly]'' No.\\
'''Instructor:''' Why not?\\
'''Terry:''' You'll shoot me.\\
'''Instructor:''' I won't!\\
'''Terry:''' Well, you shot Mr. Harrison.\\
'''Instructor:''' That was self-defense! Come on, I promise I won't shoot you.\\
'''Eric:''' You promised you'd tell us about [[RunningGag pointèd sticks.]]\\
'''Instructor:''' SHUT UP! Now, brandish that... brandish that raspberry! Come on, be as vicious as you like with it! Come on!\\
'''Terry:''' No, throw the gun away.\\
'''Instructor:''' I haven't got a gun!\\
'''Terry:''' Oh, yes you have!\\
'''Instructor:''' I haven't!\\
'''Terry:''' You have! You shot Mr. Harrison with it!\\
'''Instructor:''' Oh... that gun.\\
'''Terry:''' Throw it away.\\
'''Instructor:''' All right. ''[throws his gun away]'' How to defend yourself against a raspberry, ''without'' a gun!\\
'''Terry:''' ''[outraged]'' You were going to shoot me!\\
'''Instructor:''' I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't!...\\
'''Terry:''' ''[overlapping]'' You were!...\\
'''Instructor:''' ''[overlapping]'' No, no, I wasn't, I wasn't!... C'mon-- C'mon, you worm! You miserable little man, come at me then! Come on, do you worst, you WORM!
** The secret to defending yourself against a raspberry-wielding maniac without a gun? Drop a 16-ton weight on him. When the remaining two students protest the difficulty (and lethality) of this method, the instructor reveals yet another way to deal with a raspberry-wielding lunatic:
--->'''Instructor:''' All right clever dick, all right clever dick! You two, come at me with raspberries, there you are, a whole basket each! ''[hands Michael and Eric a basket of raspberries each]'' Come on, come at me with them, then!\\
'''Michael:''' No gun?\\
'''Instructor:''' No!\\
'''Michael:''' No sixteen-ton weight?\\
'''Instructor:''' No!\\
'''Eric:''' [[RunningGag No pointèd stick?]]\\
'''Instructor:''' SHUT UP!\\
'''Michael:''' No rocks up in the ceiling?\\
'''Instructor:''' No!\\
'''Michael:''' You won't kill us.\\
'''Instructor:''' I won't kill you!\\
'''Michael:''' Promise?\\
'''Instructor:''' I promise I won't kill you, now, are you going to attack me!?\\
'''Michael, Eric:''' All right.\\
'''Instructor:''' Right, now don't rush me this time! I'm going to turn me back so you can stalk me! ''[does so]'' Right! Come up as quietly as you can, right!? Close up behind me, then, in with the raspberries, right?! Start moving!\\
''[Michael and Eric sneak up behind him]''\\
'''Instructor:''' Now, the first thing to do when you are being stalked by an ugly mob with raspberries, is to... release the tiger!\\
''[he presses a button, and the wall opens to reveal a wooden tiger which glides along rails toward Michael and Eric; sounds of roaring and cries of pain and alarm]''\\
'''Instructor:''' The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the raspberry-laden foe but also the raspberries! The tiger, however, does not relish the peach! The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile! ''[turns to the empty room]'' Right! Now, the rest of you, I know you're there! Lurking under the floorboards with your damsons and your prunes... hiding behind the wall bars with your quinces! Well, I'm ready for you! I've wired myself up to two hundred tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as tries anything we'll all go up together! I warned you! I warned you! Right, that's it!\\
''[BOOM, an explosion occurs, but the instructor lives]''
* The description page for the official Youtube page:
-->For 7 years you YouTubers have been ripping us off, taking tens of thousands of our videos and putting them on YouTube. Now the tables are turned. It's time for us to take matters into our own hands. [[TheFourthWallWillNotProtectYou We know who you are, we know where you live and we could come after you in ways too horrible to tell.]] But being the extraordinarily nice chaps we are, we've figured a better way to get our own back: We've launched our own Monty Python channel on YouTube. No more of those crap quality videos you've been posting. We're giving you the real thing - HQ videos delivered straight from our vault. What's more, we're taking our most viewed clips and uploading brand new HQ versions. And what's even more, we're letting you see absolutely everything for free. So there! But we want something in return. None of your driveling, mindless comments. Instead, we want you to click on the links, buy our movies & TV shows and soften our pain and disgust at being ripped off all these years.
* The random, [[RunningGag persistent appearances]] of bit characters in the entire episode of "Face The Press", starting with the ever-increasing line of similar-looking delivery men, and ending with the Minister of Silly Walks himself just casually walking through the insanity of the Piranha Gang sketch on his way to work.
* [[ The Funniest Joke in the World]]. A joke whose humor is so intense that the man who wrote it (and all who subsequently read the whole thing) died in a fit of shrieking laughter. Taken to hilarious extremes with [[AlternateUniverse its apparent use in]] UsefulNotes/WorldWarII (in a German translation).
** Not to mention that it had to be translated one word at a time by different experts. One translator accidentally saw two words and had to spend many weeks in the hospital.
** Or Tommies shown running through a battlefield shouting its German translation: "WENN IS DAS NUNSTRUCK GIT UN SLOTERMEYER?! JA! BIEHERHUND DAS ODER DIE FLIPPERWALDT GERSPUT!"
* [[ The Mouse Problem]], a thinly-disguised criticism of society's views on homosexuality during the late 60s ...
** ... especially funny considering a behind-the-scenes event that happened later, which combined CrowningMomentOfFunny with SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome. A woman sent a letter to the BBC saying that she heard one of the Pythons was gay and that whoever it was should be put to death. Graham Chapman was in fact gay, but -- depending on who's telling the story -- either John Cleese (because he wanted to leave the show anyway) or Eric Idle (who just thought the whole thing hilarious) anonymously wrote back to the woman assuring her quite solemnly that the gay Python had been unmasked and duly stoned to death. Cleese then, of course, failed to appear in the next series. The woman's reaction to this is unknown.
** ... and, of course, even more so given some [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom parallels that could not possibly have been predicted when the sketch was written.]]
* [[ The Dirty Fork]]. From a restaurant customer making a "by the way" remark about his fork, all the way to the entire restaurant staff scattered as dead bodies around the customer's table.
** One of the ways the Pythons enhanced the effectiveness of their humor was to eliminate the punchlines from their jokes. [[EpicFail A snarky one-liner as payoff for an epic comic situation is to the Pythons what meat is to vegetarians]]. They demonstrate this in Dirty Fork (an occasion never repeated) with a deliberately bad punchline. "Lucky we didn't say anything about the dirty knife." Just as they predicted, the audience booed.
* [[ Sam Peckinpah's Salad Days]], which logically parodies Peckinpah's bloodlust by having an absurdly genteel version of the 1954 musical quickly degenerate into a bloodbath of severed limbs and unlikely impalements with tennis rackets and piano keyboards. Creator/SamPeckinpah himself [[ActuallyPrettyFunny liked the sketch and showed it to his friends and family.]]
-->"Pretty strong meat there from ''[sniff]'' Sam Peckinpah!" ''(gunned down in slow motion)''
** And the apology following on from that bloodbath is pretty funny too:
* Before there was Sam Peckinpah's ''Salad Days'', there was ''Gardening Club''. After a continuity announcer explains that the BBC are censoring the violence and nudity-filled scene that is supposed to follow in the preceding sketch (not that this stops him from describing said violence and nudity in some detail), he tells the viewers they will instead be showing ''Gardening Club''. The scene opens with a shot of a flower bed, a string arrangement of the actual ''Gardening Club'' theme playing on the soundtrack... a tranquil atmosphere which is quickly shattered as a large group of people in various costumes and/or states of undress (including a Gumby and a pantomime goose) run toward the flowers and engage in what can best be described as a PG-rated orgy. The caption explains all by identifying the scene as Creator/KenRussell's ''Gardening Club'' (1958).
* '''[[NoIndoorVoice MY BRAIN HURTS!]]'''
* Any time Raymond Luxury Yacht appears.
-->"You're a very silly man and I'm not going to interview you."
* [[ ''The Visitors'']] from episode 9 is very funny, and also rare, as it features all six of the Pythons, as well as Creator/CarolCleveland, on set at the same time. It follows poor Victor (Graham) who is trying to have a quiet evening in with his girlfriend, Iris (Carol), but finds himself getting repeatedly gate crashed by a group of horrible people.
** First is Arthur Name (Eric), otherwise known as the man who tormented Terry Jones in the ''Nudge Nudge'' sketch.
--->'''Arthur''': What's brown, what's brown and sounds like a bell?
--->'''Victor''': I beg your pardon?
--->'''Arthur''': What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
** Next is Brian and Audrey Equator (John and Terry J). Brian is a loud, brash pervert, and Audrey cackles hysterically at the slightest thing.
** After them is Mr Freight (Terry G), a CampGay man who is dressed only in a cap, pants, and wellington boots. He has brought along Mr Cook (Michael), who he has "picked up outside the Odeon". Cook has a goat with him, because he couldn't leave it alone, as it is ill.
* The "Storytime" sketch.
-->'''Storyteller:''' Hello, Children, hello. Here is this morning's story. Are you ready? Then we'll begin. ''[opens book and begins reading]''[[note]] In reality, the book is ''What Do People Do All Day?'' by Creator/RichardScarry.[[/note]] "One day, Ricky the magic Pixie went to visit Daisy Bumble in her tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he grabbed her heavy shoulders, pulling her down onto the bed and ripping off her..." ''[trails off, stunned; flips over several pages, then gives the camera a slightly forced smile]'' "Old Nick the Sea Captain was a rough, tough, jolly sort of fellow. He loved the life of the sea. And he loved to hang out down by the pier... where the men dressed as ladies!?" ''[flips over several more pages, incredulous; eventually a technician pokes him with a stick from offscreen]'' Uh! Ah... ''[he gives the camera an even more forced smile]'' "Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky Shop in the foot of the magic oak tree by the wobbly dumdum bush in the shade of the magic glade down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives and..." ''[trails off again, even more stunned, and flips over several pages]'' "Discipline"!? "Naked..." ''[turns the book sideways as if looking at a magazine centrefold]'' "[[NoodleImplements ... with a melon]]"?!
* The Burglar (who is actually an Encyclopedia Salesman) sketch, in which Creator/EricIdle tells a housewife that he'd like to enter her house and steal a few things; she remains suspicious that he's actually selling encyclopaedias, but finally agrees to let him in. Sure enough, as he begins taking things from her shelves and putting them in his jacket, he muses, "Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopaedias!" And that was a successful encyclopaedia salesman. An unsuccessful one is portrayed as a mannequin plummeting from a tall building. Followed by two more.
* The famous [[ Lumberjack Song]]! "I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay! I sleep all night, I work all day! ... I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspendies and a bra. I wish I've been a girlie, just like my dear mama!" (It's not until ''And Now for Something Completely Different'' that it's changed to 'dear papa'.) "Ooooh, Bevis! And I thought you were so rugged!"
-->"Dear Sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the song which you have just broadcast, about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs). P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the ''Radio Times''."
** [[ And now in German.]]
** [[ How about a full blown orchestra and choir singers for back up at the London's Royal Albert Hall?]]
** [[ And in the middle of Palin doing tribute speech for Music/GeorgeHarrison. It counts as the tribute too.]]
* [[ THE BISHOP!]] "With 'R.F. Gromsby-Urquhart Wright' as the Voice of God"
-->'''The Bishop:''' ''[after failing to stop yet another clergyman from meeting a premature end]'' We was too late!
* Stig O'Tracy and Vince Snetterton-Lewis. Especially Graham Chapman's delivery of 'He says "I hear you've been a naughty boy Clement". And I say, "My name's not Clement"'.
* [[ A Scotsman on a horse!]]
* It may be old ''now'', but everyone remembers the first time they saw the [[ Dead Parrot Sketch]].
* Blimey, I didn't expect a [[ Spanish Inquisition]]!
** "NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!" And them constantly messing up. And ''The Comfy Chair''!
* The "How to Identify Parts of the Body" episode, especially the parts about "naughty bits".
** "Number twenty-three: The naughty bits...of a HORSE!"
** MargaretThatcher's brain...
** The last joke of the episode, over a freeze-frame of a man's rear: "Number 32: [[IncrediblyLamePun The end]]."
* ...[[ spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam]]... Consider all the random bits of goofiness on the sidelines here: lowering the couple in on wires, the Vikings chowing down, the BrickJoke when [[spoiler: the Hungarian with the dirty phrasebook walks in and is promptly arrested]]...
* From the otherwise uneven final season, [[ Woody and Tinny words]]...
* [[StuffBlowingUp Exploding]] [[EverythingsBetterWithPenguins penguins]] and... [[ BURMA!!!]]
-->'''TV Presenter:''' It's just gone 8 o'clock and time for the penguin on top of your television set to explode.\\
''[the penguin on top of the pepperpots' television set does, indeed, explode]''\\
'''Pepperpot:''' [[NoIndoorVoice ...HOW DID HE KNOW THAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?]]\\
'''TV Presenter:''' [[TheTapeKnewYouWouldSayThat It was an inspired guess.]] [[AndNowForSomethingCompletelyDifferent And now...]]"
* [[ How Not to Be Seen]]. Particularly when one person doesn't fall for the SchmuckBait of being told to stand up, and when a person is hiding behind one of three trees which they blow up one at a time until they find her. The combination of DeadpanSnarker and CaptainObvious in the announcer is utterly hilarious.
* The moment when Graham Chapman "improvises" his telephone hangup in the [[ Flying Lesson]] sketch, as well as his disgusted reaction to the idea that his client wants to fly in an aeroplane rather than simply jumping off a table to fly.
-->"'Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater. I'm off to play the grahnd piahno'. 'Pardon me while I fly my aeyroplane.' NOW GET ON THE TABLE!"
* John Cleese's [[ silly walks]].
* [[ The four Yorkshiremen]] skit (originally performed on ''Series/AtLastThe1948Show'' with Cleese, Chapman, Tim Brooke-Taylor, and Marty Feldman). How ridiculous each story gets is hysterical. Especially this line:
-->'''Eric:''' I had to get up at 10 o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed.
** The 1979 ''[[ Secret Policeman's Ball]]'' version, with Creator/RowanAtkinson as the guest Yorkshireman, is outstanding, partly because of the pacing and the quality of the performances, but also because the director keeps returning to Cleese's reaction throughout: he [[DeathGlare becomes more and more stony-faced]] as the others' tales of woe become more and more outrageous, until he finally sits forward, [[KnuckleCracking says "Right -"]], and proceeds to [[CurbStompBattle top them all]] with the most terrifying childhood misery story in the history of the sketch, delivered with trademark Cleese intensity. Terry Jones is corpsing so much that he has to hide his face.
** The charity version with Vic Reeves, Creator/HarryEnfield, Creator/EddieIzzard and Creator/AlanRickman (!) at the Secret Policeman's Ball is also worth mentioning.
* The "Deja Vu" sketch. Particularly when the ''It's The Mind'' host, after rushing out of the studio only to mysteriously appear back inside, screams at the camera and rushes out again.
* [[ The Argument Clinic]], particularly Graham Chapman in the "Abuse Department" and the quite silly "Getting Hit on the Head lessons". Which is followed in "Live at the Hollywood Bowl" by [[ this.]]
* The [[ "crunchy frog"]] sketch, which may be Creator/JKRowling's inspiration for the chocolate frogs of ''Franchise/HarryPotter'' (At the very least, it is the source of Cockroach Clusters, another candy in HP).
-->'''Mr. Milton:''' We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.\\
'''Inspector Praline:''' That's as maybe, it's still a frog.\\
'''Mr. Milton:''' What else?\\
'''Praline:''' Well don't you even take the bones out?\\
'''Mr. Milton:''' If we took the bones out it wouldn't be ''crunchy'' would it?
* The episodes with an actual ''story'' (three times, all in all) can be this. The Cycling Tour of North Cornwall and its recurring gag "The pump got caught in m'trouser leg" is an underappreciated highlight. Then there's Mr. Gulliver's invention of a tomato which ejects itself just before a crash.
-->''[tomato jumps out of Gulliver's glove box and through the car window]''\\
'''Pither:''' Here!! That tomato's just ejected itself!\\
'''Gulliver:''' Really? It works! ''It works!!'' ''[CRASH]''
* [[ Non-Illegal Robbery.]] Hilarious all the way through, but the best part is this exchange:
-->'''Larry:''' We don't seem to be doin' anythin' illegal!\\
'''Boss:''' What d'you mean?\\
'''Larry:''' Well, we're payin' for the watch.\\
'''Boss:''' Yeah?\\
'''Larry:''' Well, why're we payin' for the watch?\\
'''Boss:''' ''[snorts]'' They wouldn't ''give'' it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they?
* [[ Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook.]] Fun with foreign languages at its funniest.
-->'''Title card:''' In 1970, the [[TakeThatUs British Empire]] lay in ruins, foreign nationals frequented the streets - many of them Hungarians (not the streets - the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconists' shops to buy cigarettes.....\\
'''Hungarian:''' Ah. Ah. ''[reading hesitantly from phrasebook]'' I will not buy this record, it is scratched.\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ... sorry?\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''[enunciating more clearly]'' I will not buy this record, it is scratched.\\
'''Tobacconist:''' No, no, no. This ... tobacconist's.\\
'''Hungarian:''' Ah! ''[he and the tobacconist point at each other in dawning comprehension]'' I will not buy this ''tobacconist's'', it is scratched!\\
'''Tobacconist:''' No, no, no... tobacco... er, cigarettes? ''[picks up a pack of cigarettes]''\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''[delighted]'' Yah![[note]] The Hungarian for "yes" is actually "igen".[[/note]] Yah, ci-gar-ettes. ''[reading hesitantly from phrasebook again]'' MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels.\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ... what?\\
'''Hungarian:''' My hovercraft... ''[mimes smoking a cigarette]'' is full of eels. ''[mimes striking a match]''\\
'''Tobacconist:''' Matches! Matches? ''[picks up a box of matches]''\\
'''Hungarian:''' Yah, yah, yah, yah! ''[he takes cigarettes and matches and reads hesitantly from the phrasebook again]'' Er, do you ''wannnt''... do you ''wannnt'' to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ''[thoroughly confused]'' Er, I don't think you're using that right.\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''[reading from phrasebook again]'' You great poof.\\
'''Tobacconist:''' That'll be [[UsefulNotes/OldBritishMoney 6/6]], please.\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''[reading from phrasebook once more]'' If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I... I am no longer infected.\\
'''Tobacconist:''' ''[takes phrasebook]'' May I... may I...\\
'''Hungarian:''' Yah, yah!\\
'''Tobacconist:''' It costs 6/6... ''[mumbling as he searches]'' "Costs six and..." Here we are... ''[reads from phrasebook]'' [[AsLongAsItSoundsForeign Yandelavasa grldenwi stravenka.]] ''[the Hungarian looks very offended and punches him in the face]'' WAGHH!\\
''[a policeman walking along the street suddenly stops and puts his hand to his ear. He starts running down the street, round corner and down another street, round yet another corner and down another street into the shop]''\\
'''Policeman:''' What's going on here then?\\
'''Hungarian:''' Ah. ''[opening book and pointing at policeman]'' You have beautiful thighs.\\
'''Policeman:''' ''[looks down at his thighs, then back up again; outraged]'' WHAT!?\\
'''Tobacconist:''' He hit me!\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''[reading from phrasebook while pointing at policeman]'' Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime. ''[points at tobacconist]''\\
'''Policeman:''' RIGHT! ''[grabs the Hungarian and drags him out]''\\
'''Hungarian:''' ''[by way of protest]'' My nipples explode with delight!

** The film version adds this exchange:
-->'''Hungarian:''' ''[faltering]'' Please fondle my buttocks.\\
'''Businessman:''' ''[completely unfazed]'' Ah yes. Past the post office, 200 yards down, and then left at the lights.
* The Boxer Documentary sketch.
--> "Every morning, Ken wakes up at 3 o'clock...and then goes back to bed again because it's far too early."
* From the German TV special, the Silly Olympics. Events include:
** The 100 yards for people with no sense of direction; when the starter fires his pistol, the runners scatter in all directions.
** The 1500 metres for the deaf; the starter fires his pistol repeatedly and screams at the top of his lungs, but the runners remain on the starting line.
** The 200 metres freestyle for non-swimmers; the competitors dive into the pool... and don't re-surface.
** The marathon for incontinents; as soon as the starter's pistol is fired, the runners bolt for the men's toilets ''en masse'', and the lead keeps changing as, one at a time, they make a break for the nearest hedge to relieve themselves.
** The high jump, a film of a stunt dummy being thrown off a balcony played in reverse.
** The 3000 metres steeplechase for people who think they're chickens; a Canadian competitor has laid several eggs on one fence.
* The Chemist sketch, interrupted by a speech from the censor and followed by the Less Naughty Chemist Sketch:
-->'''Chemist:''' Right, I've got some of your prescriptions here. Er... ''[looks at bottle]'' who's got the pox? ''[customers look embarrassed]'' Come on, who's got the pox?... Come ON! ''[one customer looks at the floor and raises his hand; the other customers recoil from him]'' Catch! ''[throws customer his prescription]'' Who's got... ''[looks at bottle]'' a boil on the bum? Boil on the botty? ''[throws prescription to second customer]'' Who's got the chest rash? ''[female customer raises her hand]'' Have to get a bigger bottle. Who's got... ''[looks at fourth bottle]'' who's got wind? ''[the other customers back away from the only one not to have raised his hand]'' Catch! ''[throws customer the bottle]''\\
''[cut to screen reading "THE CHEMIST SKETCH - AN APOLOGY!"]''\\
'''Announcer:''' Creator/TheBBC would like to apologise for the poor quality of the writing in that sketch. [[BlatantLies It is not BBC policy to get easy laughs with words like "bum", "knickers", "botty", or "wee-wees".]] ''[audience laughter]'' SHH!\\
''[cut to presenter in front of screen]''\\
'''Presenter:''' These are the words which are not to be used again on this programme! ''[clicks through the words [[CensoredForComedy B*M - B*TTY - P*X - KN*CKERS - KN*CKERS - W**-W**]] - [[TheLastOfTheseIsNotLikeTheOthers SEMPRINI]]]''\\
'''Young Woman:''' ''[walks on, confused]'' "Semprini"??\\
'''Presenter:''' OUT! ''[points off camera]''\\
''[cut back to chemist's; the chemist exits the back room with another bottle]''\\
'''Chemist:''' Right, who's got a boil on his semprini, then? ''[a policeman exits the back room and hauls him away]''\\
''[cut to "A LESS NAUGHTY CHEMIST'S", complete with a sign on the wall and a sign around the chemist's neck advertising this]''\\
'''Customer:''' ''[enters]'' Good morning.\\
'''Chemist:''' Good morning, sir.\\
'''Customer:''' Morning. I'd like some after shave, please.\\
'''Chemist:''' Certainly, sir. WalkThisWay, please.\\
'''Customer:''' If I could walk ''that'' way, I wouldn't need after shave. ''[the chemist points accusingly at the customer; the constable appears again and carts him off]''
* [[ "I am not the brain specialist! No, no, I am not! ... Yes. Yes I am!"]]
* The Gumbies generally were ''made'' of this trope. "I THINK WE SHOULD PUT A TAX ON ALL PEOPLE WHO STAND IN WATER." ''[realizes that he's standing in water]'' "OH!"
* [[ Ladies and gentlemen, The World of History is proud to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild's re-enactment of 'The Battle of Pearl Harbour'.]]
* Used multiple times:
-->'''Person #1''' ''[inquiring how much time has elapsed]'': How long is it?\\
'''Person #2''': That's rather personal, isn't it?
* "How to Recognise Different Types of Trees from Quite a Long Way Away". The sketch which caused a whole generation of people to chuckle to themselves any time larch trees were mentioned.
-->Number one - the Larch. The... Larch.\\
And now...\\
Number one - the Larch. The... Larch.\\
''[repeat, until]''\\
And now...\\
Number three - the Larch.
* "Conjuring Today": Good evening. Last week we learned how to saw a lady in half. This week we're going to learn how to saw a lady in three bits and dispose of the body-WHOA! ''[gets chased off by police]''
* [[ The Bicycle Repairman sketch]]:
-->'''Announcer''': Yes! Whenever bicycles are broken, or menaced by International Communism, Bicycle Repair Man is ready! [[DirtyCommunists Ready to smash the communists, wipe them out, and shove them off the face of the earth!]]... ''[voice rises hysterically]'' Mash that dirty red scum, kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts! Kill! Kill! Kill! The filthy bastard commies, I hate 'em! I hate 'em! AAAUUUUUUURRRRGH!\\
'''Announcer's Wife''': Tea's ready!\\
'''Announcer''': ''[calming down immediately]'' Coming, dear! ''[exits, followed by the knight with the chicken]''
* The military entertain us with a display of precision bad temper, followed by a display of [[ close-order swanning about.]]
-->'''Presenter with Hook Hand:''' But now the men of the Derbyshire Light Infantry entertain us with a precision display of bad temper.\\
''[cut to eight solders in two ranks of four, standing at ease]''\\
'''Sergeant:''' ''[off-screen]'' Atten... SHUN! ''[the soldiers snap to attention]''\\
'''Soldiers:''' ''[shouting in unison]'' My goodness me, I am in a bad temper today all right, two, three, damn, damn, two, three, I am vexed and ratty, ''[shaking fists]'' two, three, and hopping mad. ''[they stamp their feet twice while gesturing with their fists]''\\
'''Presenter with Hook Hand:''' And next, the men of the Second Armoured Division regale us with their famous close-order swanning about.\\
''[cut to sergeant with eight different soldiers standing at ease]''\\
'''Sergeant:''' ''[shouting]'' SQUAD... Camp it... up! ''[the soldiers snap to attention]''\\
'''Soldiers:''' ''[chanting in unison whilst mincing]'' Oooh! Get her! Whoops! I've got your number ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear, two, three. ''[making scratching gesture while executing right dress]'' I'd scratch your eyes out. ''[kicking chorus line style]'' Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. ''[on "military", they salute; on "fairy", they adopt a ballet pose; they then turn about and mince toward the back wall, then turn left and continue mincing]'' Whoops! Don't look now, girls, the major's just minced in with that dolly colour sergeant, two, three, ooh-ho! ''[they turn left, bring their fingers to their chins camply, then stand at ease]''
* The [[ Butcher Shop sketch]]. Eric Idle and Michael Palin are wonderful! Also a great collection of creative British insults.
* [[ Confuse-A-Cat]].
** Graham Chapman's 'reassuringly professional' vet from the opening scene.
--->'''Title Card:''' SUBURBAN LOUNGE NEAR ESHER\\
''[a couple are watching their cat through the back window; the cat sits motionless on the lawn. A car is heard pulling up in front of the house; the door is heard opening and closing]''\\
'''Husband:''' Oh good, that'll be the vet, dear.\\
'''Wife:''' I'd better go and let him in. ''[hurries off and returns with the vet]'' It's the vet, dear.\\
'''Husband:''' Oh, very glad indeed you could come round, sir.\\
'''Vet:''' Not at all. Now what seems to be the problem? You can tell me... I'm a vet, you know.\\
'''Wife:''' See! Tell him, dear.\\
'''Husband:''' Well-\\
'''Wife:''' It's our cat. He doesn't do anything. He just sits out there on the lawn.\\
'''Vet:''' ''[dramatically]'' Is he... ''dead?''\\
'''Wife:''' Oh, no!\\
'''Vet:''' ''[even more dramatically]'' Thank God for that. ''[directly to camera]'' For one ''ghastly'' moment I thought I was... ''too late.'' ''[to different camera]'' If only more people would call in the nick of time!\\
'''Wife:''' He just sits there, all day and every day.\\
'''Husband:''' And at night-\\
'''Wife:''' Sh! Almost motionless. We have to take his food out to him.\\
'''Husband:''' And his milk-\\
'''Wife:''' Sh! He doesn't do anything. He just sits there.\\
'''Vet:''' Are you at your wits' end?\\
'''Wife:''' Definitely... ''[Husband opens his mouth to speak]'' Sh! Yes.\\
'''Vet:''' Hm. I see. Well I think I may be able to help you. You see... ''[he goes over to armchair and sits down, then gestures to the couple to do the same, which they do as he crosses his legs, pulls his glasses out of his blazer pocket and puts them on, and puts his fingertips together to look suitably serious and professional]'' Your cat is suffering from what we vets haven't found a word for. His condition is typified by total physical inertia, absence of interest in its ambience... what we Vets call ''environment''. Failure to respond to the conventional external stimuli. A ball of string, a nice... ''[licks lips hungrily]'' juicy mouse, a bird. ''[removes glasses dramatically]'' To be blunt, your cat is in a rut. ''[the couple look distraught]'' It's the old... ''[replaces glasses]'' stockbroker syndrome, the suburban ''fin de siècle'' ennui, angst, ''weltschmertz'', call it what you will.\\
'''Wife:''' ''[dabbing her eyes with a hankie]'' Moping.\\
'''Vet:''' In a way, in a way... ''[to himself]'' Hm, "moping", I must remember that.
** The vet calls in a professional Confuse-A-Cat service, which operates much like a military operation complete with a harsh drill sergeant ("WAIT FOR IT!") and ranking officer to oversee it. They then put on a bizarre stage act in front of said cat in to shake it out of its moping. Said stage act involves Long John Silver delivering an introduction before vanishing into thin air, followed by a strange boxing match in which different hats appear and disappear on the fighters' heads and a chase scene involving a man in a towel, a man in a penguin suit on a pogo stick, a man dressed as Napoleon, and a policeman.
--->'''General:''' [[SeriousBusiness I hope to God it works.]]
* [[ Secret Service Dentists.]] The whole thing is a hilarious semi-''Film/JamesBond'' parody with lots of great jokes.
* [[ The Penultimate Supper]], It took him ''hours'', and turning kangaroos into disciples can't be easy.
* [[ The "Nudge Nudge" sketch]] is one of the few Python sketches to feature a proper punchline, but, as with all of their sketches, the build-up is much funnier, and the punchline is deliberately hammed up to make it anti-climactic. From "Mr. Nudge" asking his fellow drinker if his wife is "a goer" ("She sometimes goes, yes!"), leading him to ask if he's trying to sell something, then "Mr. Nudge" asking if the other man's wife is "a sport" ("She's very fond of cricket, as a matter of fact!" "... who isn't?"), suggesting she's "been around" ("Yes, she's travelled, she's from Purley!" "Oh, say no more, Purley!"), and asking if she's interested in "photographs" ("No, we don't have a camera!"), and finally making lusty "WOOAAAGHH!" noises, all the while punctuated with [[CatchPhrase "Nudge nudge, know what I mean, nudge nudge, say no more!"]] and variations thereon. At which point the other drinker slams down his pint:
-->'''Man:''' Look! Are you insinuating something!?\\
'''"Mr. Nudge":''' Oh, ho ho ho, oh... yes.\\
'''Man:''' Well?\\
'''"Mr. Nudge":''' Well, I mean, er... ''[chuckles nervously]'' I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't you. I mean... you've been there, haven't you? I mean, you've been around, eh?\\
'''Man:''' ''[folds arms and glares at "Mr. Nudge"]'' What do you mean?...\\
'''"Mr. Nudge":''' Well, I mean, like, you've, er, you've, you've done it. ''[looks around self-consciously]'' I mean, like, you know, you've slept... with a ''lady.''\\
'''Man:''' Yes.\\
'''"Mr. Nudge":''' ''[eagerly]'' What's it like?\\
''[quick zoom in on the stunned man's face; huge artificial laugh from laugh track over groan from real studio audience]''
* The [[ Prejudice]] sketch. What makes it especially funny is Michael Palin's performance as the host.
-->'''Host:''' ''[in a serious tone]'' But as you know on this programme we're not just prejudiced against race or colour. ''[cheerfully]'' We're also prejudiced against - yes, you've guessed, ''stinking homosexuals!''
* [[ "20th Century Vole"]]
-->"A love story! Intercourse Italian style! David Hemmings as a hippy Gestapo officer! Frontal nudity! A family picture! A comedy!"
* [[ "Silly Job Interview"]]. Good-a-night-a-ding-ding-ding...
* The famous [[ "Travel Agent"]] sketch. [[ It's even funnier live.]]
* "Letters and Opinions" from episode five.
** "My husband, in common with a lot of people of his age, is fifty."
** "Well that's, er, very interesting, because, er, I am, in fact, made entirely of wood."
** "I think there should be more race prejudice." ''[slapped]'' "Less!" "Less race prejudice."
* The incredibly short sketch about the man and the police inspector - so short it's almost not a sketch, just a naturalistic exploration of the concept of StraightGay:
-->'''Man:''' Inspector? I'm terribly sorry but I was sitting on a park bench over there, took my coat off for a minute and then I found my wallet had been stolen and £15 taken from it.\\
'''Inspector:''' Well did you er, did you see anyone take it, anyone hanging around or...\\
'''Man''': No no, there was no one there at all. That's the trouble.\\
'''Inspector''': Well there's not very much we can do about that, sir.\\
'''Man''': ''[Awkward pause, quietly]'' Do you want to come back to my place?\\
'''Inspector''': ...Yeah, alright.
* The interview with Sir Edward Ross, which becomes a bit too friendly; the host first calls him Edward, then Ted, then Eddie-baby:
-->'''Host:''' I didn't really call you Eddie-baby, did I, sweetie?\\
'''Ross:''' Don't call me sweetie!!\\
'''Host:''' Can I call you sugar plum?\\
'''Ross:''' No!\\
'''Host:''' Pussy cat?\\
'''Ross:''' No.\\
'''Host:''' Angel-drawers?\\
'''Ross:''' No you may not! Now get on with it!\\
'''Host:''' Can I call you 'Frank'?\\
'''Ross:''' Why Frank?\\
'''Host:''' It's a nice name. Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank.\\
'''Ross:''' What is going on?\\
'''Host:''' Frannie, little Frannie, Frannie Knickers...
* The would-be introduction of Harry Fink:
-->'''Compère:''' Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Refreshment Room here at Bletchley. My name is Kenny Lust and I'm your compère for tonight. You know, once in a while it is my pleasure, and my privilege, to welcome here at the Refreshment Room, some of the truly great international artists of our time. And tonight we have one such artist. Ladies and gentlemen, someone whom I've always personally admired, perhaps more deeply, more strongly, more abjectly than ever before. A man, well more than a man, a god, a great god, whose personality is so totally and utterly wonderful my feeble words of welcome sound wretchedly and pathetically inadequate. ''[by now on his knees]'' Someone whose boots I would gladly lick clean until holes wore through my tongue, a man who is so totally and utterly wonderful, that I would rather be sealed in a pit of my own filth, than dare tread on the same stage with him. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparably superior human being, Harry Fink!\\
'''Outside voice:''' He couldn't come!\\
'''Compère:''' ''[standing up]'' Never mind, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
* [[ "The Fish Slapping Dance"]] is perhaps the perfect distillation of the random insanity that is Python, all in a convenient, easily-digested package. When the Pythons (minus Graham Chapman, who was unable to participate due to a slight case of death) were asked to compile lists of sketches they felt had stood the test of time, this was the only one to appear on all five lists.
* [[ "International Philosophy"]]: "The Germans are disputing it! Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an apriori adjunct of non-analytic ethics, Kant by the categoric imperative is holding that ultimologically possessed only in the imagination [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking and Marx is claiming it was offside!]]" (In a bit of GeniusBonus, it really was offside.)
* Emboldened by his SpiritAdvisor, Arthur Pewtey attempts to invoke HeroicResolve and get his wife back from the Marriage Guidance Counsellor currently shagging her in the next room:
-->'''[[SpiritAdvisor Southerner]]''': Now you go back in there, my son, and be a man. Walk tall. ''[Exits]''\\
'''Arthur Pewtey''': Yes, I will. I will. I've been pushed around long enough! This is it. This is your monent Arthur Pewtey - this is it, Arthur Pewtey! At last, '''you're a man'''!\\
''[He opens the door very determinedly and goes back into the room.]''\\
'''Arthur Pewtey''': All right, Deirdre, come out of there!\\
'''Counsellor''': ''[From behind screen]'' Go away.\\
'''Arthur Pewtey''': Right. ''[leaves]''
* The [[ "Blackmail" sketch]] on its own is nothing special writing-wise, but something about the voice Creator/MichaelPalin uses for the SmarmyHost character just so completely sells it that you're hard-pressed not to laugh.
* Every appearance of Graham Chapman's Colonel character reprimanding the show, especially:
-->Now, I've noticed a tendency for this program to get rather silly. Now I do my best to keep things moving along, but I'm not having things getting silly. Those last two sketches I did got very silly indeed. And that last one about the beds was even sillier. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do, except perhaps my wife and some of her friends. Oh yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that's beside the point.
* [[ Albatross!]] The version at the [[ Hollywood Bowl's]] just as hilarious. There are no censors there, and John Cleese takes [[PrecisionFStrike full advantage]] [[CountryMatters of it]]. Plus, a rather hilarious ad-lib when he goes through the audience.
-->'''Cleese:''' You're not supposed to be smoking that!
* A quiet evening at home for two competitive dancers:
-->'''Chapman''' [in a ballroom dress]: George?\\
'''Jones''' [in a tuxedo]: Yes Gladys?\\
'''Chapman''': There's a man at the door with a mustache.\\
'''Jones''': Tell him I've already got one.\\
''[Chapman slaps him around with a newspaper]''
* During one of their many fake BBC continuity links, with Palin and Jones as announcers:
--> '''Palin''': Well, it's five past 9, and nearly time for ''six'' past 9. On [=BBC2=] now it'll shortly be six-and-a-half minutes past 9. Later on this evening it will be 10:00, and at 10:30 we'll be joining [=BBC2=] in time for 10:33. And don't forget tomorrow, when it'll be 9:20. Those of you who missed 8:45 on Friday will be able to see it again ''this'' Friday at a quarter to 9. Now, here is a time check: It's six-and-a-half minutes to the big green thing.\\
'''Jones''': You're a loony.\\
'''Palin''': I get so ''bored'', I get so ''bloody bored''!
* [[ The Buying a bed sketch]], one of the most relentlessly ''random'' things they ever did.
-->'''Mr Verity:''' ''[after Mr Lambert has [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext put a paper bag on his head because the customer said "mattress"]]]'' Did you say "mattress"?\\
'''Customer:''' Well, a little, yes...\\
'''Mr Verity:''' I did ask you ''not'' to say "mattress", didn't I? Now I've got to stand in the tea chest. ''[drags a tea chest onto screen, climbs into it and starts singing 'Jerusalem' at the top of his lungs]''
* A talk show host decides to "ask the man in the street what he thinks".
-->'''Woman in Street:''' ''[seductively]'' I am not a man, you silly billy.\\
'''Man on Roof:''' ''[pours himself some tea from a thermos, then sees camera]'' I'm not in the street, you fairy!\\
'''Man in Street:''' Well, er, speaking as a man in the street- ''[gets run over by car]'' WAAGH!\\
'''Confused man:''' What was the question again?\\
'''Interviewer:''' Just how relevant are contemporary customs regulations and currency restrictions in a modern expanding industrial economy? ''[the man looks even more confused]'' Oh, ''never mind''...\\
'''Pepperpot:''' Well, I think customs men should be armed, so they can kill people carrying more than two hundred cigarettes.\\
'''Gumby:''' ''[getting up from a deckchair]'' Well I, I think that, er, nobody who has gone abroad should be allowed back in the country! I mean, er, blimey, blimey, if they're not keen enough to stay here when they're ''[='ere=]'', why should we allow them back, er, at the taxpayer's expense?! I mean, be fair, I mean, I don't eat squirrels, do I!? I mean, well, perhaps I do, one or two, but there's no law against that, is there!? It's a free country! ''[the knight with the rubber chicken enters]'' I mean if I want to eat a squirrel now and again, that's me own business, innit?! I mean, I'm no racialist! I, oh, oh... ''[notices the knight and covers his head in anticipation; the knight slams him in the stomach with the rubber chicken instead]''
* "The Naked Ant", Episode 12 of Series 1, is an entire ''episode'' of funny, bookended by the "It's" man running around and bouncing off assorted trees as a human pinball.
** ''Spectrum'', a satire of current affairs discussion programmes, complete with MotorMouth host:
--->'''Presenter:''' ''[talking at breakneck speed]'' Good evening. Tonight, ''Spectrum'' looks at one of the major problems in the world today - that old vexed question of what is going on. Is there still time to confront it, let alone solve it, or is it too late? What are the figures, what are the facts, what do people mean when they talk about ''things''? Alexander Hardacre of the Economic Affairs Bureau.\\
'''Hardacre:''' ''[standing in front of bar chart with three columns; he speaks with the same intensity as the presenter]'' In this graph, this column represents 23% of the population. This column represents 2''8''% of the population. And this column represents ''43%'' of the population.\\
'''Presenter:''' Telling figures indeed, but what do they mean to you, what do they mean to me, what do they mean to the average man in the street? With me now is Professor Tiddles of Leeds University. ''[pull out to reveal Tiddles sitting next to presenter]'' Professor, you've spent many years researching into things, what do you think?\\
'''Tiddles:''' I think it's too early to tell.\\
'''Presenter:''' ''[shown in close-up again, speaking even faster]'' "Too early to tell", too early to say, it means the same thing. The word "say" is the same as the word "tell". They're not spelt the same, but they mean the same. It's an identical situation we have with "ship" and "boat". ''[holds up signs saying 'SHIP' and 'BOAT']'' But not the same as we have with "bow" and "bough" ''[holds up signs saying 'BOW' and 'BOUGH']'', they're spelt differently, mean different things but sound the same. ''[holds up signs saying 'SO' and 'THERE']'' But the real question remains. What is the solution, if any, to this problem? What can we do? What am I saying? Why am I sitting in this chair? Why am I on this programme? And what am I going to say next? Here to answer this is a professional cricketer.\\
'''Cricketer:''' I can say nothing at this point.\\
'''Presenter:''' Well, you were wrong. Professor? ''[pull out to reveal Tiddles still sitting next to the presenter]''\\
'''Tiddles:''' Hello.\\
'''Presenter:''' ''[shown in close-up again, speaking faster still]'' Hello. So where do we stand? Where do we stand? Where do we sit? Where do we come? Where do we go? What do we do? What do we say? What do we eat? What do we drink? What do we think? What do we do?\\
''[cut to sped up footage of the London to Brighton train, which eventually enters a tunnel; there is a loud crash]''\\
'''Railway Signalman:''' ''[leaning out of the window of his signal box, shouts]'' Sor-ree! ''[is dragged back in by a growling bear]''[[note]] A CallBack to the opening scene of the episode.[[/note]]
** After an extended sketch in which [[AdolfHitlarious "Mr. Hilter"]], with his campaign aides [[ThoseWackyNazis "Ron Vibbentrop" and "Heinrich Bimmler"]], is running in the North Minehead by-election (his campaign rally isn't exactly Nuremberg, the audience consisting of three puzzled children and an even more bewildered yokel), a series of VoxPops leads to a second appearance by the ''Spectrum'' presenter:
--->'''Interviewer:''' What do you think of Mr Hilter's politics?\\
'''Yokel:''' I don't like the sound of these 'ere "boncentration bamps".\\
'''Pepperpot:''' Well, I gave him my baby to kiss, and he bit it! On the head!\\
'''City Gent:''' Well, I think he'd do a lot of good to the Stock Exchange.\\
'''Second Pepperpot:''' No... no...\\
'''Bimmler:''' ''[[PaperThinDisguise (thinly disguised as a yokel, complete with swastika armband)]]'' Oh yes, Britischer pals, he is wunderbar... ful. So. ''[takes a puff on a cigarette and waves]''\\
'''Third Pepperpot:''' I think he's right about the [[ValuesDissonance coons]], but then I'm a bit mental.\\
'''Gumby:''' [[NoIndoorVoice I THINK... HE'S GOT BEAUTIFUL LEGS!]]\\
'''Tory Candidate:''' Well speaking as Conservative candidate, I just drone on and on and on, never letting anyone else get a word in edgeways, until I start foaming at the mouth and fall over backwards. ''[he foams at the mouth and falls over backwards]''\\
''[cut to ''Spectrum'' presenter at his desk]''\\
'''Presenter:''' ''[speaking as rapidly as ever]'' Foam at the mouth and fall over backwards. Is he foaming at the mouth to fall over backwards or falling over backwards to foam at the mouth? Tonight, ''Spectrum'' examines the whole question of frothing and falling, coughing and calling, screaming and bawling, walling and stalling, galling and mauling, palling and hauling, trawling and squalling and zalling. Zalling? Is there a word "zalling"? If there is, what does it mean? If there isn't, what does it mean? Perhaps both, maybe neither. What do I mean by the word "mean"? What do I mean by the word "word"? What do I mean by "what do I mean"? What do I mean by "do", and what do I do by "mean"? What do I do by do by do, and what do I do by wasting your time like this? Good night.
** [[ I Wish To Report A Burglary]]. A guy walks into the station to file a burglary report, but the officers end up telling him to file his report in different vocal registers.
*** I'm sorry, I can't read this trope entry, sir. Can you try writing it in a higher register?
** "[[ Upper-Class Twit of the Year]]" dials the UpperClassTwit trope UpToEleven with its heroic yet profoundly stupid quintet of competitors doing what upper-class twits do best: running over old ladies, waking up the neighbours by slamming their car doors, heaping abuse on waiters, and generally displaying an almost complete lack of brains or manners. The adrenaline-charged commentary by Creator/JohnCleese on these events exemplifies MundaneMadeAwesome. Some highlights:
*** The commentator introduces the competitors with short biographies. Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith (Eric Idle) has an O-level in kennel hygiene, Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris (Terry Jones) is married to a very attractive table lamp, Nigel Incubator-Jones (John Cleese) has a tree as his best friend and is a stockbroker in his spare time, Gervaise Brook-Hamster (Michael Palin) is used as a wastepaper basket by his father, and Oliver St. John-Mollusc (Graham Chapman) is favoured to be the year's outstanding twit. In a way, this prediction comes true...
*** The crowd consists entirely of eight other {{Upper Class Twit}}s holding horse-shaped placards.[[note]] In the version from ''And Now for Something Completely Different'', the crowd was represented by stock footage of a football crowd.[[/note]]
*** The start of the race doesn't go as planned:
---->'''Commentator:''' ''[as the starter fires his pistol]'' THEY'RE OFF! ''[no reaction from the twits]'' ...oh, no, they're not. ''[the "crowd" mutter in disappointment]'' No, they didn't realize they were supposed to start...
*** Vivian has no trouble jumping over the wall three matchboxes high, but Oliver proves less adept:
---->'''Commentator:''' ''[as Vivian hops over the wall]'' The jump of a lifetime, if only his father could understand!\\
''[later, as Oliver tries and fails yet again to jump the wall]'' He doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy! He doesn't know when he's winning either! He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus!
*** Gervaise gets a bit carried away with the "kicking the beggar" obstacle, putting the boot in repeatedly as the beggar yelps in pain until the race steward walks over and informs him that he can move on.
*** When Nigel finally succeeds in waking the neighbour by slamming the door of his sports car repeatedly, the commentator shouts, "My GOD, this is exciting!"
*** At the "insult the waiter" obstacle, Simon forgets what he is supposed to do and waves at the crowd instead. When he and his fellow twits have insulted the waiter and moved on to the next obstacle (ducking under a bar five feet off the ground), [[FunnyBackgroundEvent the waiter throws his tray into the air in disgust and storms off.]]
*** Oliver takes himself out of the race, but in so doing proves himself perhaps the worthiest Upper-Class Twit of the Year:
---->'''Commentator:''' ''[shot of Oliver, dead beneath the wheel of the sports car in the "backing over the old lady" obstacle]'' And Oliver has ''run himself over!'' What a great twit!\\
''[as the other twits attempt to remove the bras from four otherwise bare shop dummies, the camera cuts back to Oliver's body]'' No! There's Oliver, he's dead, but he's not necessarily out of it!
*** Two of the obstacles require the twits to pick up guns, but they're poor shots, to say the least. When they have to shoot rabbits that have been tied to the ground from a distance of "almost one foot", Gervaise starts bashing his rabbit with the butt of his hunting rifle, while Nigel throws his rifle aside and begins attacking the rabbit with his bare fists. In the final obstacle, they have to shoot ''themselves'' with revolvers; Simon misses his own head and hits Vivian, handing him second place, and eventually he runs out of bullets and clubs himself to death with the butt of his gun to finish fourth.
** And we end with a pan-episode series of {{Call Back}}s to answer Robert (Terry Jones) when he asks [[ "Has anyone anything else to say?"]]
--->'''Second Robert:''' No.\\
'''Third Robert:''' No. No.\\
'''Railway Signalman:''' No.\\
'''Bear:''' ''[shakes head]''\\
'''Policeman Who Can Only Hear Low Frequencies:''' ''[sings]'' NOOOO!\\
'''Policeman Who Can Only Hear High Frequencies:''' ''[deep voice]'' No.\\
'''Pepperpot:''' No.\\
'''City Gent:''' No.\\
'''Gumby:''' [[NoIndoorVoice NO!]]\\
'''Animated Peacock:''' No.\\
'''Fairy Godmother:''' No.\\
'''Second City Gent:''' Bloody fairy...\\
'''Second Pepperpot:''' No.\\
'''Second Gumby:''' NO!\\
'''[[UpperClassTwit Nigel Incubator-Jones]]:''' ''[thinking hard]'' Ahh... no.\\
'''[[ThoseWackyNazis Ron Vibbentrop]]:''' No.\\
'''"[[AdolfHitlarious Mr. Hilter]]":''' No.\\
'''[[ThoseWackyNazis Bimmler]]:''' [[GratuitousGerman Nein.]] ''["Hilter" elbows him]'' No!\\
'''Animated Whale:''' No.\\
'''Tory Candidate:''' ''[lying on pavement]'' No, no, no, no...\\
'''[[MotorMouth Spectrum Presenter]]:''' ''[gets up and walks around to the front of his desk, speaking as quickly as ever]'' What do we mean by "no"? What do we mean by "yes"? What do we mean by "no, no, no"? Tonight, ''Spectrum'' looks at the whole question of what is "no". What is not "no"... ''[the 16-ton weight falls on top of him]''
* "All you have to do is... ''[[ Spot the Looney]]''!" Plenty of classic moments in this sketch:
** A panel of three guests is introduced - Gurt Svensson, a man dressed only in a green loincloth and green socks standing on his head (which is wrapped in orange cloth) and sporting the word "EGGS" on his stomach; Dame Elsie Occluded, a woman sticking out of the side of a block of concrete (with her feet sticking out another side perpendicular to her body) dressed in a green wig, flying goggles and gloves, and fairy wings; and Miles Yellow-Bird-Up-High-In-Banana-Tree, a man in a rabbit costume with a megaphone strapped to his eye. The phone on the presenter's desk rings; he answers it, chuckles, and congratulates the caller on having spotted that the entire panel are loonies.
** The presenter tells the viewers they are about to see photos of golfer Tony Jacklin, then-Chancellor Anthony Barber, author Creator/EdgarAllanPoe, TV presenter Katie Boyle, former Chancellor Reginald Maudling, and a looney. The screen cuts to a photograph of Anthony Barber... and a viewer immediately phones in.
** Having instructed the viewers to wait until all of the photos are shown (in order: Barber, Boyle, Poe, a looney in a red wig and comedy glasses with the words "A LOONEY" written on his chest, Maudling, Jacklin), the presenter confirms that the looney was indeed the second picture. He then has to issue a hasty correction that the looney was the fourth picture, and that Katie Boyle is ''not'' a looney... she is a ''television personality''.
** The completely bonkers ''Literature/{{Ivanhoe}}'' "adaptation" (set in a modern butcher's shop with a "cast" comprising Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel (from the "Silly Election" sketch), a man in a bee costume jumping up and down on the counter, a man in a knee-length vest dancing with a side of beef, a man dressed as a carrot squawking "Pretty boy!", and a man in oilskins and waders flying back and forth on a stage rope)... and the revelation that, as correctly guessed by Mrs. L of Leicester, Mrs. B of Buxton, and Mrs. G of Gatwick, the looney was the ''writer'', Sir Creator/WalterScott.
--->''[cut to an outraged Scott in his study]''\\
'''Walter Scott (Graham Chapman)''': ''I'' didn't write that! Sounds more like [[Creator/CharlesDickens Dickens]]!\\
''[cut to Dickens in HIS study]''\\
'''Charles Dickens (Terry Jones)''': You bastard!
* The "Biggles Dictates a Letter" sketch, especially Biggles' argument with his secretary.
-->'''Biggles:''' No, no, no, you loopy brothel inmate.\\
'''Secretary:''' I've had enough of this. I am not a courtesan.\\
'''Biggles:''' Oh, oh, 'courtesan', oh aren't we grand. Harlot's not good enough for us eh? Paramour, concubine, fille de joie. That's what we are not. Well listen to me my fine fellow, you are a bit of tail, that's what you are.\\
'''Secretary:''' I am not, you demented fictional character.\\
'''Biggles:''' Algy says you are. He says you're no better than you should be.\\
'''Secretary:''' And how would he know?\\
'''Biggles:''' And just what do you mean by that? Are you calling my old fictional comrade-in-arms a fairy?\\
'''Secretary:''' Fairy! Poof's not good enough for Algy, is it? He's got to be a bleedin' fairy. Mincing old RAF queen.
* [[ Mrs Niggerbaiter suddenly exploding]].
** The doctor's subsequent explanation of how he uses explosives to treat various illnesses.
** Plus the sheer outrageousness of having a character called [[RefugeInAudacity Mrs. Niggerbaiter]].
** "Don't be so sentimental mother, things explode everyday."
* [[ The man who speaks only the ends of words.]]
* Norman St. John Polevaulter, the man who contradicts people. Not so much the interview itself (which proceeds in a predictable fashion), but the way John Cleese (who is fondly holding a small pig) cuts it off after thirty seconds with, "And so on, and so on, and so on."
* ... He's coming to the studio tonight to talk about the Life of Tchaikovsky. Which is a bit of a pity as [[ this is Farming Club.]]
* [[ The Conquistador Coffee Campaign]] and its hilariously unexpected {{Running Gag}}s.
** After advertising copywriter Frog enters his boss' office through the window and sits there for about five seconds before his boss acknowledges him, he then keeps trying unsuccessfully to correct his chosen term of address:
--->'''Manager:''' Ah, Frog.\\
'''Frog:''' ''[smiles]'' ''S.'' Frog, sir-\\
'''Manager:''' Shut up. ''[Frog's smile fades]'' I want to have a word with you, Frog.\\
'''Frog:''' ''[smiles]'' ''S.'' Frog, sir-\\
'''Manager:''' Shut up. ''[Frog's smile fades]''
** The manager giving the camera a cheesy grin and holding up a sign reading "[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder: JOKE ]]
" each time he makes a joke; at one point, Frog changes his mind about his campaign being a joke and holds up a second sign reading "[[/folder]]

[[folder: No, a sales campaign ]]
** Frog gets out of punishment by telling his boss, "Sorry, Father. ''[holds up "[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder: JOKE ]]
" sign]''" His boss then tells him his film has won a prize. Cut to a clifftop, Music/FelixMendelssohn's "Hebrides" Overture playing on the soundtrack... until the gramophone on which it is playing gets stuck. The Announcer lifts the needle, apologises, and says, "And now for something completely di-completely di-completely di-completely di-completely di-completely different." Cue the "It's" man and the opening credits... which ''also'' get stuck about fifteen seconds in.
* [[ A bunch of women in bikinis]], and now for something completely different. [[spoiler:John Cleese in a bikini.]]
* "An appeal on behalf of the National Truss" doesn't quite go as planned when the frontwoman for the appeal (Eric Idle) can't remember her name.[[note]] The names she goes through include English pop singer Leapy Lee (who had a No.2 hit in 1968 with "Little Arrows", which Idle sings for a few seconds), Australian tennis player Fred Stolle, English cricketer Denis Compton, Communist China leader Mao Tse-tung (using the Wade-Giles romanisation of his name), American soul singer P.P. Arnold, then-Secretary of State for Education and Science Margaret Thatcher, controversial Conservative MP Gerald Nabarro, and English cricketer Len Hutton.[[/note]]
-->'''Frontwoman:''' Good evening. My name is Leapy Lee. ''[frowns]'' No, sorry, that's the name of me favourite singer. ''[smiles]'' My name is Mrs. Fred Stolle. ''[frowns again]'' No no, Mrs. Fred Stolle is the wife of me favourite tennis player. ''[smiles again]'' My name is Bananas- no, no, that's me favourite fruit. I'm Mrs. A Nice Evening Out at the Pictures Then Perhaps a Dance at a Club Then Back to His Place for a Quick Cup of Coffee and a Little Bit of- no! No, sorry... that's me favourite way of spending a night out. ''[thinks]'' Perhaps I am Leapy Lee. Yes, I must be Leapy Lee! Hello fans, Leapy Lee here! ''[sings]'' "Little arrows that will ke-" ''[phone rings; she answers]'' Hello? ''[to camera]'' Evidently I'm not Leapy Lee. Thought I probably wouldn't be. ''[into phone]'' Thank you, I'll tell them. ''[hangs up]'' Hello, Denis Compton here- no no, no no, I should have written it down. ''[looks in her handbag]'' Now where's that number? I'm Mao Tse-tung, I'm P.P. Arnold, I'm Margaret Thatcher, I'm Sir Gerald Nabarro... ''[picks up phone and dials the operator]'' Hello? Sir Len Hutton here. Could you tell me please- oh, am I? Oh, thank you! ''[hangs up and smiles to camera]'' Good evening. I'm Mrs. What Number Are You Dialing Please. ''[a boxer jumps into frame and knocks her out with one punch; cut to stock footage of Women's Institute applauding]''
* [[ The Most Awful Family In Britain]], from the last episode is hysterical. It features the Garibaldi family, who do any number of horrible, disgusting yet funny things throughout the sketch.
** You have Eric as the mother, ironing all sorts of things, including the cat, the radio and various bits of crockery. Halfway through the sketch, she gets a phone call suggesting that she, or possibly even the entire family, may be involved in the making of a Hollywood film starring Faye Dunaway.
** The radio broadcast itself is funny, at least until it gets melted by the iron.
--->'''Radio voice''': Pratt... back to Pratt... Pratt again... a long ball out to Pratt... and now Pratt is on the ball, a neat little flick back inside to Pratt, who takes it nicely and sends it through on the far side to Pratt, Pratt with it but passes instead to Pratt, Pratt again, oh and well intercepted by the swarthy little number nine, Concito Maracon. This twenty-one-year-old half back, remarkably stocky for 6' 3", square shouldered, balding giant, hair flowing in the wind, bright eyed, pert, young for his age but oh so old in so many ways. For a thirty-nine-year-old you wouldn't expect such speed. Normally considered slow, he's incredibly fast as he wanders aimlessly around, sweeping up and taking the defence to the cleaners. Who would have thought, though many expected it, that this remarkable forty-five-year-old, 9' 4" dwarf of a man, who is still only seventeen in some parts of the world, would ever really be ... Oh and there was a goal there apparently ... and now it's Pratt ... back to Pratt... Pratt again... a long ball to Pratt...
** Michael, as younger son Ralph, knocks over everything he touches. He breaks the sink in half when he tries to wash up, and eventually causes the entire kitchen wall to collapse when he goes to answer the door.
** Terry Jones, the father, spends the whole sketch mumbling about different types of cereal and how they affect his bowel movements. To drive the point home, he is sitting on a toilet instead of a chair at the kitchen table.
** Creator/TerryGilliam, once again given a horrible role, is older son Kevin, a fat, flatulent boy who is either constantly eating beans or moaning that he's run out of beans, while his disgusted father wafts the air near him with his newspaper.
--->'''Kevin''': Beans!\\
'''Mrs Garibaldi''': Shut up!
** Graham, looking absolutely shocking with his face pancaked with makeup, is the daughter, Valerie, who is dressed in a PVC red skirt and has a huge beehive hairdo. She gets offended when Michael's character keeps going on about Rhodesia, calling him a racist.
--->'''Ralph''': ''[knocks the cereal box off of the table]'' Oh, sorry, mum ... Now if we lived in Rhodesia there'd be someone to mop that up for you.\\
'''Valerie''': Don't be so bleedin' stupid. If you lived in bleedin' Rhodesia, you'd be out at bleedin' fascist rallies every bleedin' day. You're a bleedin' racist, you bleedin' are.\\
'''Mr Garibaldi''': Language!\\
'''Valerie''': Well he gets on my sodding wick.
** The random RunningGag of a short, balding old man emerging from the kitchen cupboard whenever one of the characters says "Dad", only to go back into the cupboard when told the speaker didn't mean him.
** This exchange later on is brilliant:
--->'''Valerie''': Right, I'm off.\\
'''Mrs Garibaldi''': When are you coming back tonight?\\
'''Valerie''': 3am.\\
'''Mrs Garibaldi''': I think it's disgusting... you a Member of Parliament.
** And then there are the visitors. With an election on the horizon, the Liberal candidate shows up and... gives a parody martial arts demonstration to the uninterested Mrs Garibaldi. And then at the end of the sketch, the postman comes swinging into the room Tarzan-style, for ''no reason whatsoever''.
** And when the panel are consulted, it turns out that they think the Garibaldis ''aren't awful enough!'' They end up in third behind the Featherstonehaugh-Cholmondleys ([[ItIsPronouncedTroPAY pronounced "Fanshaw-Chumleys"]]), a family of four {{Upper Class Twit}}s who talk at the top of their lungs and all at the same time while sat around the dinner table, and the Jodrell family, whose footage was so awful the judges can't even show it.
* Later in episode 45, there is "Icelandic Honey Week", which features a family, except all three of them are dressed like pepperpots, including the dad and son. They also have a cat sticking through their wall that appears to function as their doorbell. And things quickly get even weirder!
** There's this exchange, for starters:
--->'''Mother (Eric)''': Dad?\\
'''Dad (Terry J)''': Yes?\\
'''Mother''': Get your stinking feet off the bread.\\
'''Dad''': I'm only wiping the cat's do's off.\\
'''Son (Terry G)''': Mum?\\
'''Mother''': Shut yet face, Douglas.\\
'''Son''': I wanted some corn-plasters.\\
'''Mother''': Shut up and eat what you got.
** And then an Icelandic man dressed like an Icelandic woman arrives and starts trying to sell them some Icelandic honey.
--->'''Mother''': He can't eat honey. It makes him go plop plops.\\
'''Dad''': All right I'll have some Icelandic Honey.\\
'''Man (Graham)''': No, there is no such thing.\\
'''Dad''': You mean you don't make any honey at all?\\
'''Man''': No, no, we must import it all. Every bally drop. We are a gloomy people. It's so crikey cold and dark up there, and only fish to eat. Fish and imported honey. Oh strewth!\\
'''Mother''': Well why do you have a week?\\
'''Man''': Listen Buster! In Reykjavik it is dark for eight months of the year, and it's cold enough to freeze your wrists off and there's only golly fish to eat. Administrative errors are bound to occur in enormous quantities. Look at this - it's all a mistake. It's a real pain in the sphincter! Icelandic Honey Week? My Life!\\
'''Mother''': Well why do you come in here trying to flog the stuff, then?\\
'''Man''': Listen Cowboy. I got a job to do. It's a stupid, pointless job but at least it keeps me away from Iceland, all right?
* The "Take Your Pick" sketch from "The Attila the Hun Show" starts with John Cleese skewering the unctuous demeanour of the programme's actual host, Michael Miles, and gets funnier from there as a pepperpot played by Terry Jones plays for her desired prize: a blow on the head.
-->'''Michael Miles:''' Your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states? ''[as he reads the question, the pepperpot stops fidgeting, her smile fades, and her shoulders sag]''\\
'''Pepperpot:''' I DON'T KNOW ''THAT!!''\\
'''Michael Miles:''' Well, have a guess.\\
'''Pepperpot:''' Oh. Er... Henri Bergson.\\
'''Michael Miles:''' Is the correct answer!\\
'''Pepperpot:''' Oh, that was lucky, I never even heard of him.\\
'''Michael Miles:''' Jolly good!\\
'''Pepperpot:''' [[RacistGrandma I don't like darkies!]]\\
'''Michael Miles:''' ''[long forced laugh]'' Who does?? ''[another long forced laugh]''
** Meanwhile, Graham Chapman sneaks into the background [[WholesomeCrossdresser as a "sexy" show hostess]] with a gong, proceeds to ShowSomeLeg, and once the pepperpot gets her star prize - a BLOW on the HEAD ''whump'' - [[FunnyBackgroundEvent hits the gong]]. Whereupon a mob of Anglican priests jump him.
* From "Archaeology Today", it seems sports personalities and televised sport commentators are branching out a bit, judging from the opening announcement of Eric Idle's continuity announcer:[[note]] In order, the announcement references cricket commentators Peter West, Brian Johnston, and E.W. Swanton, ''Forsyte Saga'' actress Nyree Dawn Porter, snooker champion Joe Davis, cricketer Jim Laker, showjumper Anneli Drummond-Hay, showjumping horse Mister Softee, golfer Tony Jacklin, singer Lulu, and all-purpose commentators Kenneth Wolstenholme and David Coleman.[[/note]]
-->'''Announcer:''' Here is a preview of some of the programmes you'll be able to see coming shortly on BBC Television. To kick off with, there's ''variety''. Peter West and Brian Johnston ''[picture of West and Johnston]'' star in ''Rain Stopped Play'', a wacky new comedy series about the gay exploits of two television cricket commentators. With E.W. Swanton ''[picture of Swanton]'' as Aggie, the kooky Scots maid. For those of you who don't like variety, there's ''variety'', with Brian Close ''[stock picture of Close playing cricket with background replaced by a theatre curtain]'' as the Talk of the Town. And of course, there'll be sport.\\
The Classics series ''[title card for "THE CLASSICS"]'' returns to [=BBC2=] with 26 episodes of Creator/JohnGalsworthy's ''Snooker My Way''. With Nyree Dawn Porter repeating her triumph as Joe Davis. ''[mockup of Porter standing by a billiard table]'' And of course, there'll be sport.\\
Comedy is not forgotten with Jim Laker ''[picture of Laker]'' in thirteen weeks of off-spin bowling. Jim plays the zany bachelor bowler in a new series of ''[='Owzat!=]'' With Anneli Drummond-Hay on Mister Softee ''[picture of said duo]'' as his wife. And of course, there'll be sport.\\
''Series/{{Panorama}}'' will be returning, introduced as usual by Tony Jacklin ''[picture of Jacklin playing golf with the background replaced by the ''Panorama'' title]'', and Lulu ''[picture of same]'' will be tackling the Old Man of Hoy. ''[picture of said rock formation against a blank background]'' And for those of you who prefer drama, there's sport.\\
The show of the week: Kenneth Wolstenholme sings ''[picture of Wolstenholme against a background of dancing girls]'', and for those of you who don't like television, there's David Coleman. ''[picture of Coleman]'' And of course, there'll be sport.\\
But now for something completely different: sport! ''[the first few notes of the ''Grandstand'' theme begin playing, but are interrupted by "The Liberty Bell March"]''
* From "Intermission", "Historical Impersonations" inverts the usual idea of having people in the present day impersonate people from history, to hilarious effect:[[note]] The impersonations include singer Petula Clark, rugby league commentator Eddie Waring, heavyweight boxer Brian London, a salesman in now-defunct shoe store chain Freeman, Hardy and Willis, the 1930 crash of British airship R-101, and racing driver Graham Hill.[[/note]]
''[cut to glitzy TV studio with glitzy TV host, played by Michael Palin]''\\
'''Announcer:''' Yes, it's ''Historical Impersonations''! When you in the present can make those in the past stars of the future! And here is your host for tonight, Wally Wiggin!\\
''[applause, which cuts off suddenly, revealing it to be a recording]''\\
'''Wally Wiggin:''' Hello, good evening, and welcome to ''Historical Impersonations''! And we kick off tonight with Cardinal Richelieu and his impersonation of Petula Clark.\\
''[cut to Richelieu (Michael again), miming along to a recording of Petula Clark's 1967 single "Don't Sleep in the Subway", with dance moves to match]''\\
'''Richelieu:''' Don't sleep in the subway darling\\
Don't stand in the pouring rain...\\
''[cut back to Wiggin]''\\
'''Wiggin:''' Cardinal Richelieu, sixteen stone of pure man. And now your favourite Roman emperor, Julius Caesar, as Eddie Waring!\\
''[cut to Julius Caesar (Eric)]''\\
'''Julius Caesar:''' ''[with heavy northern accent and Waring's signature vocal inflections]'' Tota Gallia divisa est in tres partes: Wigan, Hunslett, and Hull Kingston Rovers!\\
''[cut back to Wiggin]''\\
'''Wiggin:''' ''[claps]'' Well done indeed, Julius Caesar: a smile, a conquest, and a dagger up your strap. Our next challenger comes all the way from the Crimea. It's the very lovely Florence Nightingale as... Brian London.\\
''[cut to Nightingale (Graham) holding up a lamp and smiling; just as she is about to speak, a bell rings and a boxing glove-clad hand zooms in from out of shot and knocks her out. Cut back to Wiggin]''\\
'''Wiggin:''' And now for our most ambitious attempt tonight. All the way from Moscow, in the U.S.S. of R., Ivan the Terrible as a sales assistant in Freeman, Hardy and Willis!\\
''[cut to a branch of said shoe sellers, with two customers sat in adjacent chairs, one looking suspiciously like a dummy; Ivan (John) screams and chops the dummy in half with a sword, to only the slightest reaction from the other customer, then bows to the camera. Cut back to Wiggin]''\\
'''Wiggin:''' And now, W.G. Grace as a music box.\\
''[cut to animated scene in which a hand reaches into a photo of Grace and pulls his nose, causing his hat to rotate while playing a music box tune; cut back to Wiggin]''\\
'''Wiggin:''' And now it's France's turn! One of their top statesmen, Napoleon, as the R-101 disaster.\\
''[cut to Napoleon (Terry Jones), suspended horizontally from wires and holding two propellers and a sign reading "R-101", grinning at the camera as "La Marseillaise" plays on the soundtrack; as soon as he is out of shot, there is a crashing sound and the camera shakes a bit. Cut back to Wiggin]''\\
'''Wiggin:''' And now it's request time.\\
''[cut to same Gumby as before]''\\
''[cut to John the Baptist's head on a salver, sporting a fake moustache similar to Hill's; the salver is pulled out of shot by wires as noises of a race car engine play on the soundtrack; cut to Women's Institute applauding]''
* The Northern Playwright sketch, inverting the cliched father/son class struggle by having the coarse, vulgar ''father'' be the genius artist and the suit-wearing, well-spoken ''son'' the hard-working coal miner.
** As Ken (Eric) enters his parents' modestly-furnished front room, his mother (Terry Jones) is delighted to see him, but his father (Graham) is unimpressed by his clothes or the airs he thinks he has put on since leaving London for Yorkshire:
--->'''Mum:''' ''[opening front door to reveal Ken in a suit and tie]'' Oh, Dad! ''[she and Ken hug]'' Look who's come to see us, it's our Ken! ''[Ken reaches his hand toward his father, expecting a handshake; Dad spits on his hand instead]''\\
'''Dad:''' ''[heavy Northern accent]'' Aye, and about bloody time if you ask me!\\
'''Ken:''' ''[RP accent]'' Aren't you pleased to see me, Father?\\
'''Mum:''' Yes, of course he's pleased to see you, Ken, he's-\\
'''Dad:''' All right, woman, all right! I've got a tongue in me head! I'll do t' talking! ''[looks Ken up and down with disgust]'' Aye... I like yer fancy suit! Is that what they're wearing up in Yorkshire now!?\\
'''Ken:''' It's just an ordinary suit, Father. ''[Dad scoffs]'' It's all I've got apart from the overalls.\\
'''Mum:''' How are you liking it down the mine, Ken? ''[ushers him into a chair]''\\
'''Ken:''' ''[sitting down]'' Oh, it's not too bad, Mum. We're using some new tungsten carbide drills for the preliminary coalface scouring operations.\\
'''Mum:''' ''[handing Ken a cup of tea]'' Ooh, that sounds nice, dear.\\
'''Dad:''' ''"Tungsten carbide drills"!?'' What the bloody hell's "tungsten carbide drills"?!\\
'''Ken:''' ''[testily]'' It's something they use in coal mining, Father.\\
'''Dad:''' ''[sarcastically imitating Ken]'' "It's something they use in coal mining, Father!" You're bloody fancy talk since you left London!\\
'''Ken:''' Not that again...
** Ken's attempts to understand his father's world while getting him to accept the choices he has made quickly - and hilariously - break down:
--->'''Mum:''' Oh, he's, he's had a hard day, dear. His new play opens at t' National Theatre tomorrow!\\
'''Ken:''' Oh, that's good!\\
'''Dad:''' "Good"!? "GOOD"?! What do you know about it? What do ''you'' know about gettin' up at five o'clock in t' morning to fly to Paris, back at the Old Vic for drinks at twelve, sweating the day through press interviews, television interviews, then getting back here at ten to wrestle with the problem of a homosexual nymphomaniac drug addict involved in the ritual murder of a well-known Scottish footballer? That's a full working day, lad, ''and don't you forget it!''\\
'''Mum:''' Oh, don't shout at the boy, Father...\\
'''Dad:''' Aye, 'Ampstead wasn't ''good enough'' for you, was it! You 'ad to go poncin' off to Barnsley! You and your ''coal mining'' friends!\\
'''Ken:''' ''[his anger boils over]'' Coal mining is a wonderful thing, Father! ''[Dad scoffs; Ken stands up]'' But it's something ''you'll'' never understand! Just look at you!\\
'''Mum:''' ''[stands up and gets between Ken and Dad]'' Oh, Ken, be careful! You know what he's like after a few novels!\\
'''Dad:''' ''[stands up]'' Right. Right. Go on, lad, out wi' it. What's wrong wi' me?... yer TIT! ''[sits down again]''\\
'''Ken:''' I'll tell you what's wrong with you! Your head's addled with novels and poems! You come home every evening reeling of Chateau Latour!\\
'''Mum:''' Oh, don't, don't...\\
'''Ken:''' And look what you've done to Mother! She's worn out with meeting film stars, attending premieres, and giving gala luncheons!\\
'''Dad:''' ''[bolts to his feet, enraged]'' THERE'S NOWT WRONG WI' GALA LUNCHEONS, LAD! I've 'ad more gala luncheons than you've had hot dinners!\\
'''Mum:''' Oh, please!...
** As one final inversion, instead of Dad suffering a flare-up of black lung, as he would do if he were a coal miner, he starts suffering another medical ailment caused by his choice of profession:
--->'''Dad:''' Agh! ''[grabs his right forearm and sits down again]'' Aaagh!\\
'''Mum:''' Oh! Oh no! ''[rushes over to Dad]''\\
'''Ken:''' What is it?\\
'''Mum:''' It's his writer's cramp!\\
'''Ken:''' You never told me about this...\\
'''Mum:''' No, we didn't like to, Ken...\\
'''Dad:''' I'm all right, I'm all right, just... get him out of here!\\
'''Mum:''' Oh, Ken, you'd better go...\\
'''Ken:''' ''[starts walking toward the door]'' All right. I'm going.\\
'''Dad:''' After all we've done for him!\\
'''Ken:''' One day you'll realise there's more to life than culture... There's dirt, and smoke, and GOOD HONEST SWEAT!\\
'''Dad''': Get out! Get out! GET OUT YOU LABOURER! ''[Ken slams the door behind him; Dad sits down again, then gets a flash of inspiration]'' Hey! You know, Mother? I think there's a play there! Get t' agent on t' phone!\\
'''Mum:''' Aye, I think you're right, Frank! It could express... ''[someone taps on the floor below them]'' It could express a vital theme of our age!...\\
''[cut to the flat below; a man (Michael) is banging on the ceiling with a broom handle]''\\
'''Man:''' Oh, ''shut up!'' SHUT UP!... oh, that's better. Now for something completely different: a man with three buttocks.\\
'''Mum, Dad:''' ''[from upstairs]'' WE'VE DONE THAT!\\
'''Man:''' OH, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! ''[bangs on the ceiling with the broom handle]'' A man with... nine legs.\\
'''Voice:''' ''[offscreen]'' He ran away!\\
'''Man:''' Oh, bloody hell!... ''[looks back and forth]'' Er... a Scotsman on a horse!\\
''[cut to a Scottish moor; bagpipe music plays as a stereotypically-attired Scotsman on a horse rides into shot, looking confused]''
* The "Scott of the Sahara" sketch:
** The leading actor's apoplectic reaction to being told that Scott can't fight a lion because [[MisplacedWildlife there aren't any lions in the Antarctic]].
** Scott's fight with the lion (as filmed after the producers agree to change the setting), which begins with him beating the stuffing out of a lifeless dummy and suddenly turns into a boxing match with a man in a lion suit.