* He reviewed ''Film/TransformersRevengeOfTheFallen'' on his blog... [[http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/markkermode/2009/06/transformers_190609.html by repeatedly banging his head against a wall.]]
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6NbfIApmJiM His actual rant on 5 Live was even funnier]].
** Two years later, he [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cc4GjSydejo "reviews"]] ''Film/TransformersDarkOfTheMoon''. The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwkL53bH0PI actual review]] on 5 Live was a bit more serious, but still had its moments, such as his explanation of why the film is essentially a "soft-core sex comedy".
** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOaDpN6h6wA His reaction]] to the news of a fourth ''Transformers'' film.
** The Dodge Brothers present: "''Transformers'' - [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OppfCLb4w0 A Musical Tribute]]"
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6Q5FESHol0 The mighty Pirates Three rant.]] For the icing on the cake, Simon Mayo, who is broadcasting live from the PGA Championship at Wentworth, gets so tired of listening to Mark rant that he starts reading the ''Daily Telegraph'' and eventually gets up and leaves for a few minutes to check the golf scores.
-->'''Simon''': ''[reading a listener's email]'' "Having just seen the third installment of [[Franchise/PiratesOfTheCaribbean this nauseating franchise]], I can safely assure the listening public that there is not a single element that suggests to me that we won't be getting a full-on Kermodian-style rant of the century. Put away your eyepatches, give up your rum bottles, turn your radios up to eleven, it's gonna be an absolute screamer." Mark, what did you think of the new ''Pirates'' movie?
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Q17M5YpSkI His thoughts]] on the horribly schmaltzy ''Film/{{Elizabethtown}}''.
-->'''Mark:''' ... At which point it was all I could do to stop from standing up and shouting "STEWARDESS! The barf bag, please!" You expect oxygen masks to drop down from the ceiling and people to be carried out on stretchers following the red lights taking them to the nearest exit.
** And that's not all -- he then goes on the compare it to the VomitChainReaction scene from ''Film/ProblemChild2''.
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WenltEbuenM review]] of ''Film/EatPrayLove''... ''Vomit''. Complete with alternate Creator/WernerHerzog ending.
* To an extent, the ''Film/Revolver2005'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooPdPYZpR2s review]]. Here is a film that is so bad, Mark actually feels ''sorry'' for [[Creator/GuyRitchie the man who made it]].
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e03SVZ_tz3o Mark finally cracks]] after seeing ''WebVideo/{{Fred}} The Movie'' (and annoys Simon immensely).
* [[http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/markkermode/2011/03/the_cinema_code_of_conduct_ame.html His take on improved American behavior in cinemas]] while watching ''Film/HallPass.''
** "As far as ''Film/HallPass'' is concerned, the movie sucked, but the film was great!"
* There's a reason many consider his review of ''Literature/TheDaVinciCode'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMavBCvc0sw to be a hilarious classic.]]
** The same goes for the "intergalactically stupid" ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VdKWoi0PMWg Angels and Demons]]''.
* Another insanely funny classic is [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzfwDkwUGnM his review of]] Creator/ZackSnyder's ''Film/SuckerPunch''.
* Mark Kermode demolishes [[ThePrimaDonna Andrew Stanton's]] ''Film/JohnCarter''.[[note]][[RunningGag "OF MARS!"]][[/note]] [[HilarityEnsues Hilarity]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1LQkZKYsaY ensues.]]
* His review of ''Film/MammaMia!''. The Good Doctor's reaction to the film isn't necessarily what you might expect.
** Simon's confused "What?" at the end of the rant when he says he's going to go again and invites Simon to come with him just adds to it.
* His review of ''Film/RockOfAges''. For Mark, it was '''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=od3zaq7AgCE GRUELING. GRUELING. GRUELING.]]'''
* The AMAZING ''Film/SexAndTheCity2'' review, including Mark singing The Internationale. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHeQeHstrsc Takes a little while to get going, but well worth the wait]].
-->'''Simon:''' You're not going to get a rant about this...
* In the ''Film/ValentinesDay'' review, he mentions that it was directed by Creator/GarryMarshall, who also directed ''Film/PrettyWoman'', which was written by the man who wrote and directed ''Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death''. Naturally, Mark suggests renting ''Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death'' and watching that as a Valentine's Day film instead of ''Valentine's Day'', because "it's funnier in every possible way and far, far more romantic."
** Also: "I hate this movie, it's like getting a greeting card full of vomit."
* An anecdote about the ''Family Stone'' screening -- there was a moment where it looked as though the film had ended, so one critic got up to leave, and when it came back on everyone could hear him shout "OH GOD!!!"
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IJCVkJ2-GdE review]] of ''Gamer'', which begins with a Gerard Butler impression, [[ItMakesSenseInContext which branches off into an impression of Ian Paisley]].
-->'''Mark:''' NO! [[Film/ThreeHundred SPARTA]] SAYS NO!
* In the review of ''Destricted'' (an anthology of 18-certificate pornographic short films), Mark mentions that the first film features "a man becoming ''very'' well acquainted with a two tonne caterpillar truck... and a large root vegetable." At the end of the review, Simon responds by asking, "Was the truck OK?"
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z8HVurzYdUw review]] of ''Film/TheLadyInTheWater'', especially the first few minutes.
-->'''Mark''': It's a piece of self-aggrandising hogwash that involves the actors saying things like "The Narf is coming out of the tree followed by the Scrunt, but the Iggledy-Piggledy is hiding in the Biddly-Bong, and after a while the Eagle of Doom is going to -" and you're going "Shut up, shut up, shut up..."
* What did Mark think of ''Film/DaddyDayCamp''? [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0KpZEYkLxs Two words: "Excrementally terrible".]]
* The sheer awfulness of ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXYhDGAwExI Fred Claus]]'' prompts Mark to deliver some breaking news: "Satan has taken over Christmas, and we're all going to Hell in a handcart."
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVnYGFeFNkY The Good Night review]], with [[SoBadItsGood hilariously bad]] Creator/PenelopeCruz impression.
-->'''Simon''': Is she German?
-->'''Mark''': She's Creator/WernerHerzog's Bavarian cousin.
* Before he goes to see a press screening of ''[[Film/TheHangover The Hangover: Part III]]'', he promises to give the viewers his first opinions. He has ''nothing'' to say from the sheer awfulness of the sequel, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNx-8wgUaMY as you can see here.]]
* The ''Film/GetSmart'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk-rGVKK4Yk review]], made hilarious by Mark's impression of Creator/AnneHathaway's agent.
-->'''Mark''': ''[as her agent]'' I know she was in ''Film/ThePrincessDiaries'' and everybody loves that, [[RunningGag but she's got great legs]]...
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oQN9Ua6B2aI review]] of ''Film/SevenPounds''. At the beginning, Mark reveals that Sony have explicitly told him and other journalists not to give away too much about the plot. And yes, HilarityEnsues.
* There's a great bit in [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAUcOvqqbbg the review of]] ''Film/ObserveAndReport'' where Mark reads a quote from the director Jody Hill about how we wants to make films that are "dangerous and controversial, even if they offend some people", then points out that what Hill has actually done is remade ''Film/PaulBlartMallCop'' for adults.
-->'''Mark''': So, bear in mind that ''Observe And Report'' is ''not'' ''Paul Blart: Mall Cop'', ok? So Creator/SethRogen plays a character who's a mall cop, like Paul Blart, and he's useless and pudgy, like Paul Blart. He has a condition that requires medication, like Paul Blart, he's got a crush on a girl at the mall, like Paul Blart, he lives with his mother, like Paul Blart, he dreams of firing a gun, like Paul Blart, but like Paul Blart he can't actually have a gun. There's a crime happening in the mall, like in ''Paul Blart: Mall Cop'', solving it will be his redemption, like in ''Paul Blart: Mall Cop'', and though everyone will laugh at him on the way, like ''Paul Blart: Mall Cop'', he will end up triumphing, like ''Paul Blart: Mall Cop''.
** What's also great about it is how Mark talks about the allegedly hilarious plot in a completely normal and serious tone as if to emphasise just how unfunny the idea sounds.
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vCuFUQuIWI4 His review]] of ''Film/TheCounselor'' (or ''The Counsellor'' in the UK) is another winner, especially when he imitates Creator/BradPitt's [[MeaninglessMeaningfulWords dialogue]].
--> "What is the value of grief when it is just ief with a gr at the end"....And it just goes on and on and on....!
* The Creator/CameronDiaz comedy ''Film/TheOtherWoman2014'' gets a thorough [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJXluqN9-X4 going over]] by an unimpressed Mark ("Hey! Go crazy, empowerment! Woo!").
--> "I can't even remember what the name of the film is now..."
* His [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BoL5XICGZg disparaging review]] of ''Film Socialisme'', in which he says that the film is not so much a case of [[Literature/TheEmperorsNewClothes "The Emperor has no clothes"]] as "The Emperor is running down the street, waving his ''[[UnusualEuphemism nouvelle vagues]]'' in your face, with a camera secreted somewhere the sun don't shine."
* At the end of Mark's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xtOYDLzxydE 10 Worst Films of 2012]] retrospective, to introduce the top (or bottom) film on the list, he removes his glasses and produces two hardcover volumes of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, which he proceeds to bash against his head. After taking a moment to recover, he says, "Yes, that ''was'' actually more fun than watching ''Keith Lemon: The Movie''."
** In [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NZJGKCjTnP4 the actual review]], he reveals that he decided that rummaging around for a missing five pence piece amongst all the gunge and detritus down the side of the cinema seat was actually more pleasant than watching the film. Another highlight is the idea that anyone immature enough to find the "puerile" gags funny would be barred from seeing the film due to the 15 certificate.
** His use of the word "fungal" to describe the film.
** Towards the end of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kdIl-sZhM0E his video about the most offensive film characters of recent times]], he mentions ''Keith Lemon: The Movie''. He found it offensive "''as a human being''".
* Any time he does his Danny Dyer impression, such as when he [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLJY4GVP7KE reviewed]] ''Run For Your Wife''.
** "The trailer has got Danny Dyer standing on a rake and Neil Morrissey sitting on a cake, which basically tells you where we are."
* His description of ''Pimp'', another Danny Dyer film, which happens about two and a half minutes into [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C29HFdTq5Vg Mark's Five Worst Films of 2010]]. What makes it funny is how he says the title, in a sort of a loud, high-pitched squeak:
-->"At three, it was three halfway through the year, it's still three at the end of the year, '''''Pimp'''''!, Danny Dyer's worst movie to date. What can we say about '''''Pimp'''''!? Well, there is an upside to it, apparently the film took around £205 in British cinema, so '''''Pimp'''''! was a total flop, which is great, because it make you think that, well you can say what you like about audiences being stupid but they stayed away from '''''Pimp'''''! in their droves, and I think as long as audiences stayed away from '''''Pimp'''''! there is hope for all of us. So at number three, bottom five films of the year, '''''Pimp'''''!"
* "If you go see ''Film/LittleMan'', shame on you. Shame on you." According to Mark, the film isn't just bad or offensive, ''it's possessed by the devil''. You can listen to his review [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zI-YEJiGRc here]].
-->"Listen, I've spent my whole life defending movies that people tell me are evil, and they're not. I get told horror movies are bad for you and action movies are bad for you and erotic thrillers are bad for you - no. ''Little Man'' is bad for the ''world''."
* In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RnVa5gH0tTY review]] of ''Film/BodyOfLies'', Mark says that you can tell the film is trying to be serious because of its aesthetic, the fact that it's incomprehensible, [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking and because Russell Crowe is fat]]. There follows an amusing discussion about Creator/RussellCrowe's weight gain.
-->'''Mark''': Can I just say on behalf of those who carry around a little extra weight anyway, go away. I don't want you getting an award playing blokes who look like me, OK? Some of us are proud of the way we look. But Russell Crowe thinks that that's the way he demonstrates that he's doing a serious part is that he eats a bunch of cake, for about a month beforehand --
-->'''Simon''': I don't think it's a "bunch" of cake, by the way.
-->'''Mark''': You know, I think in his case, you know, I think it's a whole bunch of cake, mate. It really is.
* The ''Film/MarleyAndMe'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nki5M-_EVLU review]]. Apparently, there is such a thing as [[SweetnessAversion "sentimentality porn"]].
-->'''Simon''': You don't even think dog lovers are going to like it?
-->'''Mark''': I'M A DOG LOVER, I HAD A HORRIBLE TIME!
* Mark's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHhfowh36wA damning review]] of ''Film/TerminatorSalvation''[[note]]directed by Mc''Gee!''[[/note]], which eventually turns into an epic rant against [[RunningGag Mc]]''[[RunningGag Gee!]]'' and his questionable efforts as a film director, complete with Mark's own theory as to why Creator/ChristianBale flipped out on the set of the film.
* One of the Radio 5 listeners saying that they'd rather be defrosting the freezer than watching ''Film/AnimalsUnited''.
* Mark takes a look at ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pi7ypKqXhb4 Movie 43]]'' on his blog, and attempts to describe just how unfathomably bad it is.
-->"[[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I'm not making this up]]. At least, I keep trying to convince myself that [[InTheDreamingStageOfGrief it was all a bad dream]], but I've now read other reviews, and they saw the same film as me."
* His review of ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RW5U2msOOzo Charles Dickens's England]]''. Not only was the film essentially a television programme masquerading as feature-length documentary, but he forced himself to sit through it for [[PunctuatedForEmphasis TWO! HOURS! TWO! HOURS!]] ("How long?") [[PunctuatedForEmphasis TWO! HOURS!]] And then there's his Creator/DerekJacobi impression...
* ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quFZFYIHYUg Kermode Uncut: A Transformers Christmas Doohicky]]''. It's Christmas Day, and Mark settles down to open the presents he received from Creator/MichaelBay and Creator/{{McG}}...
* In the first chapter of ''The Good, The Bad And The Multiplex'', Mark briefly talks about the relationship between him and his laptop:
-->"A few weeks later, I would finally lose all patience with this piece of hi-tech machinery and conclude that it was actually possessed by [[Film/TheExorcist the Assyrian demon of the south-west wind]] whose name I had once typed into a document thereby allowing it entry to the accursed wiring. In an attempt to cleanse its foul electronic soul, I took it out into the yard, laid it down on the cold, hard ground, then worked through our theological differences [[ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice with the help of a large wooden stake that I drove through its inexorably blackened heart]]. The computer screamed and shattered and quaked like a soul in torment, levitating and spider-walking as the evil spirits fled from its head-spinning ruptured hard drive. And I was left with a profound feeling of calm and wellbeing, free at last from its hideous, Hadean taunts..."
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08FK7WghHSc His attempt to explain "the science of 3D"]] on his blog, [[ItMakesSenseInContext by dangling Smurfs in front of the camera]]. His conclusion? [[spoiler:"See, either way, they still look like bloody Smurfs."]]
* His utterly joyless (and ''very'' [[DeadpanSnarker snarky]]) countdown of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDjIHt4zxD4 "The Ten Worst Christmas Movies Ever"]].
-->"Christmas is coming, the Turkey's getting fat. Turn on the television and all you see is crapitty-crap-crap..."
** He [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lHaUFBrzfI describes]] the concept of ''Film/TheSantaClause'' series as "''Film/MiracleOnThirtyFourthStreet'' meets Creator/DavidCronenberg's ''Film/TheFly1986''." He also compared the third installment to tertiary syphilis.
* The very brief and somewhat mournful [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1A5NXP8HUg review]] of ''Film/DirtyGrandpa''. He has ''very'' little to say about it.
-->'''Simon''': ''[breaking the silence]'' Let me know when you've finished your review, by the way.
-->'''Mark''': That's really it.
* His [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmdRXsk64h4 utter confusion]] as to why ''[[Music/StatusQuo Bula Quo!]]'' even exists.
** "When I was watching it I was struggling not only to stay awake, but to stay ''alive''."
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HOomE8XV2M0 review]] of ''Moshi Monsters: The Movie'' is funny in itself, but it does contain a particularly hilarious moment in which Mark gives a few words on the clip:
-->'''Mark:''' Now, if I can add to that, imagine the following experience. A sink in which someone has recently technicolour yawned. Put your head into it and into the waste disposal unit and turn it on, whilst that is playing in the background. That is what is awaitin' you for the adult audience taking the toddlers to see ''Moshi Monsters''.
* Very few films have left Mark speechless -- but ''Nativity 3: Dude, Where's My Donkey'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJjQz7U04sQ actually managed to do it]].
* Mark's impressions. Some kind soul was good enough to compile a selection of them [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXFmlkqhCkA and]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4GG4gr65Xw upload]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Bs3KST0Ii0 them]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4Y6BVFo9Tg to]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtbLwMrsLas YouTube]].
** The ''Film/IronMan1'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gIlMu2nFO7w impressions]].
** [[https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153031879354029&set=vr.10153031879354029&type=2&theater "Spectacularly overripe performances, not least from Eddie Redmayne, who is basically playing Emperor Ming..."]]
* Simon often says that Mark's comments should be put on the posters of the films he's criticising. [[http://www.buzzfeed.com/patricksmith/and-a-big-hello-to-jason-isaacs Here's what it would look like]] if they actually did "put it on the poster", courtesy of Buzzfeed.
* Mark's recalls his 10-year old son's reaction to ''Judy Moody and the Not Bummer Summer'':
-->'''Mark:''' "One minute, he's looking for Bigfoot, the next minute they're putting paper mache hats on lions, and there's a bit about the teacher... I mean, what's all that about?" And I said: "That's the death of narrative cinema." [[Main/SelfDeprecation And then he told me to shut up and stop showing off.]]
-->'''Simon:''' Like the nation does.
* The opening sentence of [[http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/mar/08/unfinished-business-review-ghastly-vince-vaughn-comedy this review]] of ''Film/UnfinishedBusiness2015''.
-->"Jesus wept, Creator/VinceVaughn has done it again -- kicking the putrefying corpse of feel-bad scrotal comedy around our screens with the dead-eyed stare of the fiscally medicated."
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMfeM9LhAWM "The Top Ten Most Boring Film Titles"]].
** "''Film/TheTown''? I mean really, ''The Town''?!"
** The fact that the title of ''Film/ThePostman'' allowed John Naughton to write a review under the headline [[WesternAnimation/PostmanPat "Post-Apocalyptic Pat"]].
* In the ''WesternAnimation/EarlyMan'' review, Mark notes that the football expert on the heroes' side is named Goona, [[ShoutOut a homonym of "Gooner", a nickname for fans of Arsenal FC]].[[note]] As their name implies, Arsenal were originally the works team for the Royal Arsenal in Woolwich, and so the club themselves are nicknamed the Gunners.[[/note]] Cue a groan of exasperation and disgust from Simon (who supports Arsenal's North London rivals, Tottenham Hotspur).
* The entirety of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kaPsrmEkbuU his review]] of ''Film/TheNun'', from his description of the titular character ("The Nun basically does a Marilyn Manson impression, and goes ''''Woo ...! Nun!''''") to the succession of [[IncrediblyLamePun nun puns]] at the end (which he thought up during the screening to keep himself awake).
-->'''Mark:''' How many stars? Nun! How many scares? Nun! How many people will see it? Nun! What's the plot like? Utter nun-sense!
* During the review of Creator/ClintEastwood's ''Hereafter'', to emphasise the comically stereotypical depiction of London, Mark launches into an impromptu performance of the comedy song "Arthur Daley, 'E's Alright" by The Firm, to Simon Mayo's bemusement. This went on to be a BrickJoke, with Mark performing a "Danny Dyer version" of the song, and then ''seven years later'', during a review of Creator/GuyRitchie's ''Film/KingArthurLegendOfTheSword'' and Mark describing its approach of turning the Knights of the Round Table into leary Cockney stereotypes, Simon refers to the scenario as "''King'' Arthur Daley", catching Mark so off-guard that he admits it's [[ActuallyPrettyFunny "the best joke in the review and it wasn't even mine"]].
----