* ANYTHING said by the Commentators Howard and Kreese... Which is to say 99% of the game.
-->'''Kreese:''' [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment There can only be one number one]] [[ThereCanOnlyBeOne in this fight to the death!]]
-->'''Howard:''' [[CaptainObvious Well, DUH!]] It's ''a mathematical fact'' that ''there can only be one number one!''
-->'''Kreese:''' For the last '''[[PrecisionFStrike fucking]]''' time, '''''[[NowYouTellMe NOBODY SAID THERE'D BE MATH!!!!!!!]]'''''
-->'''Both:''' (singing) ''III BLAAAME OOOUR SCHOOOOOLS!''
** "Jack is ramming himself against [[MirrorBoss Kojack]]!" "So basically, Jack is [[ScrewYourself ramming himself against himself]]. We are watching the most violent [[ADateWithRosiePalms masturbation]] ever!" "(Chuckles) ''[[{{Squick}} This is nothing...]]''"
** "More proof that there's nothing a liberal dose of pharmaceuticals won't fix! [[foldercontrol]]

[[folder: This message is brought to you by drugs. Drugs: take them often and indiscriminately! ]]
"
* And just about all of the Bloodbath Challenges introductions.
* Although [[TheStoic Jack]] is a little TOO straight-laced to really match the zaniness of Howard, Kreese, or the Baron, his sheer [[DeadpanSnarker Deadpan Snarkiness]] more than makes up for it: for example, in the opening cutscene of level two, after Agent XIII demanded to know where Jack ran off to:
--> Jack: I had to take a piss. What, is "no pissing" part of my contract?
** And at the start of the [[VivaLasVegas Casino Land]] level:
--> Jack: (Riding up on his motorcycle) So... this is the strip. [[AllMenArePerverts Think I have enough time for a lap-dance?]]
--> [[MissionControl Amala]]: [[FacePalm (Face Palming)]] [[AllWomenArePrudes Perv...]]
* If you like your jokes to [[CrossesTheLineTwice cross the line a few hundred times]], every time the [[ButtMonkey Black Baron]] (stop starin') appears.
* A sample conversation from the announcers:
-->'''Howard:''' It's my favorite time of day again!
-->'''Kreese:''' Ooh, time to huff some paint?
-->'''Howard:''' No.
-->'''Kreese:''' Time to take a dump?
-->'''Howard:''' No.
-->'''Kreese:''' Well then I give up, what time is it?
-->'''Howard:''' Time for another Bloodbath Challenge!
-->'''Kreese:''' Whatever - if you need me, I'll be taking a dump while huffing some paint...
-->'''Howard:''' So predictable.