* Louis [[RefugeInAudacity relays the tale]] of [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fmban3Fio14 the saddest handjob in America]], given to him by his wife.
** The kicker comes near the end - he tries to tell her "Maybe if you lick your palm?", and she thinks he said [[spoiler: "[[PoorCommunicationKills You look like your mom"]]]].
* When Louie and his wife finally split, he admonished the audience for their sympathy:
-->"'Oh it's so sad you guys split up.' No it's not! It was a shitty marriage, so we ended it. If it was a great marriage, THEN that'd be sad! But that has happened ''zero'' times! [[ItMakesSenseInContext Ray Charles has killed more Jews]]... than happy marriages have ended in divorce."
* His joke about 9/11 and masturbation is [[CrossesTheLineTwice so beyond offensive]] that it becomes [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzm2MCg5HfU unspeakably hilarious]].
* His routine on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VOZ2PeUITPg the schedule in Hell]]. Specifically, he worries that he won't know what to do once he gets there. He imagines a hypothetical scenario in which he blows the first demon who asks, only to be informed by management that he didn't have to.
--> "You'd better pace yourself, man. I mean, you're down here forever. You're gonna blow a lot of demons, no need to start freelancing in the hallways."
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