* You're driving the Love Fist limo only to find out that it's a armed with a bomb, and the only way to not set it off is to drive fast, a la ''Film/{{Speed}}'', until the group finally disarms it. HilarityEnsues.
** The fact that Tommy is constantly annoyed throughout the whole mission makes it even more funnier. If you only watch one YouTube video of a mission in this game, watch [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRC9g9c9N0g this one.]]
--> '''Jezz''': Tommy pal, you gotta save the band!\\
'''Tommy''': I'm getting bored of this.\\
'''Jezz''': Which wire, Tommy?!\\
'''Tommy''': The green one.
* You drive like a lunatic all over town, running over innocents, gun down several people including cops, SWAT teams, FBI agents, and cause massive destruction of property, all in broad daylight and in plain view of every law enforcement officer in town. You are eventually arrested, and as you emerge from the police station (minus weapons and a small bribe/fine) you can hear Rosenburg in the background, "[[BlatantLies Tommy Vercetti is an innocent man!]]"
** Some other things Rosenburg says indicates he's got the whole police department caught in a [[JustForPun vice]], calling down officers who owe him a favor, or [[HilaritySues threatening to sue the department for "discrimination" or "police brutality" or what-not]]. And while he does this, Rosenburg sounds nothing like the NervousWreck he is throughout the game, but a full-fledged ''MagnificentBastard''. It's really funny how the NoRespectGuy finally gets a chance to do something even the {{Badass}} Tommy Vercetti can't do - ''bend Vice City's legal system on its ear, and still "technically" follow the law!''
* This exchange from the beginning of the mission "Supply and Demand":
--> '''Diaz''' (screaming at his VCR player): Eject! Plastic crap! You doing this to ME?! Who do you think you are, you piece of plastic SHIT!?! Aaaaargh! SCREW YOU!!! (Diaz shoots up his VCR, Tommy walks in)
--> '''Diaz''': It eats [[{{Filth}} my favorite El Burro movie]], it die! What else could I do?
--> '''Tommy''': It's probably not plugged in.
--> '''Diaz''': What? (looks closely and sees that Tommy was right) Damn - no matter, I can buy a hundred more.
** And just a little later in the scene, Diaz scratches his crotch ''[[RecklessGunUsage with his gun.]]''
* Tommy's Italian goombas and their generic dialogue.
--> '''Thug 1:''' What should I do about her?
--> '''Thug 2:''' ''Forget'' about her, Mario!
--> '''Thug 1:''' I told myself, "Mario, take it easy!"
--> '''Thug 2:''' You better tell him, Mario.
--> '''Thug 3:''' Hey, it's Mr V!
* This quip from the game's ending:
--> '''Tommy:''' "[[{{Casablanca}} Y'know Ken, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful business relationship...]] [[EsotericHappyEnding after all,]] [[EvilLawyerJoke you're a conniving, backstabbing two-bit thief]] - ''[[HypocrisyNod and I'm]]'' ''[[VillainProtagonist a convicted psychotic killer and drug dealer!!]]'' (Laughs)"
--> '''Ken:''' ([[YesMan Utterly sincere]]) "[[ComicallyMissingThePoint I know... Ain't it just beautiful?]]"
* Before the final mission, Ken talks about how he hates the prospect of him being a subject to CementShoes.
--> "I like fish. I love fish. I like them as pet in a bowl, or a food on a plate. But as much as I love them; ''I don't want to sleep with them!''"
* Early in the game, we usually get an inside look into Tommy's thoughts after a mission cutscene ends. Most of them are full of snark.
--> (Upon told on getting a suit to attend a fancy party - by ''[[NoRespectGuy Rosenberg]]'' of all people!) "Who does that guy think he is? Now I gotta dress like a chump as well as hang out with them? (Genuinely hurt) ''I like this shirt...''"
--> "Great, more crap to wipe up! ''What did I do in a past life to deserve this?''"
--> "[[EvilLawyerJoke Lawyer pricks,]] rug-wearing pricks - ''[[SurroundedByIdiots I'm surrounded by pricks!!]]''"
--> "Abandonment issues?! What a freak... why can't I meet someone that's ''normal'' for a change?"
--> "[[PunctuatedForEmphasis Dumb. Florida. Moron.]]"
* [[http://www.grandtheftwiki.com/Keepie-Uppy_Beach_Ball The Keepie-Uppy Beach Ball Game.]] [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment Completely random and pointless]], but funny and strangely addicting. The game stats even keep track of your record!
* This bit from "Cop Land", where Tommy and Lance have to sneak into the mall and detonate a dud bomb (long story) by disguising themselves as police officers.
-->'''Tommy''': Remember, smile at the other cops.
-->'''Lance''': Hey there, officer. Nice badge, nice badge.
-->'''Tommy''': [[DeadpanSnarker Real smooth, Lance.]]
* The "G-Spotlight" mission requires you to do a lot of {{Roofhopping}} on a motorcycle. Of course, there's the question of how you get a vehicle like that onto a rooftop so you can begin. Tommy decides to just drive straight into an office full of people, roll up to the nearest elevator, and ride into it when the doors open. In the elevator are a man and a woman, and they just stand there speechless as this stranger rides his motorcycle into their elevator and the doors close. Cut to security camera footage of the rising elevator, showing the man, the woman, and Tommy on his bike riding up in awkward silence. The doors finally open on the floor Tommy wants and he nonchalantly backs his bike out like this sort of thing is completely normal.
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