'''Moments pages are Administrivia/SpoilersOff. Read ahead only at your own risk! Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned.'''
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[[foldercontrol]]

[[folder: Story Missions]]
* Considering that Big Smoke [[spoiler:is later revealed to a traitor working against the Grove Street Families]], the fact that his mission icon on the map is "BS" could arguably count as a DarkHumor version of HilariousInHindsight.
* "[[MemeticMutation All we had to do was follow the damn train, CJ!]]"
* "Holy [[AtomicFBomb FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"]] In context, you impersonate a valet driver to take out a target, and because [[SuperDrowningSkills he cannot swim]], you simply speed up through a boardwalk. Cue the last words.
* In "Madd Dogg's Rhymes," one guard [[{{Irony}} plays a video game]]. And channels his inner [[WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd Angry Video Game Nerd]]:
-->'''Guard:''' This sucks. I mean, how could [[ParodyNames Refractions]] mess up so bad? [[VideoGame/{{Driver}} Tanner]], [[TakeThat you suck ass!]]
* Most of the time that Catalina confronts CJ with anger, you're guaranteed to hear CJ say: "What'd I do now?" as if he was always wrong from Catalina's perspective.
* This exchange:
-->'''Toreno's Henchman''': This is all about speed and commitment. You got a GPS in the cab. Get to each set of map coordinates as quick as you can. Make it to all the coordinates then get the truck back here. Lose the truck and you fail.\\
'''CJ''': First, what's a GPS? Second, fail what? And third, who the fuck are you?
** Earlier:
--->'''Voicebox:''' Time to see what you're made of.\\
'''CJ:''' What it look like I'm made of? Pudding?
* Tenpenny in the cutscene before he flees in the final mission:
-->'''Carl:''' What you catching, a plane?\\
'''Tenpenny:''' Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Good answer, Carl! You know, you're gonna thank me one day for opening your fucking eyes. Ohhh, I almost forgot, Carl. *cocks SPAS-12* [[PreparetoDie Time to die.]]\\
'''Carl:''' [[LookBehindYou Uh, Sweet!]] *dives for cover*\\
'''Tenpenny:''' *turns around* What? Motherf- *turn back, shoots and misses* It ain’t over Carl! It ain’t over!
** Just after this cutscene when Tenpenny shoots a generator to prevent Carl from escaping:
--->'''Tenpenny:''' Carl, you motherfucking-piece-of-shit-gangbanging-cocksucker!
* Pretty much anytime the Grove Street OG's get in a car. For example, in Drive-Thru, there's Big Smoke's order at the Cluckin' Bell:
-->'''Smoke''': [[BigEater I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.]]
** The fact that the number 9's and the number 6 with extra dip were what the others ordered means one of two things: Either Big Smoke was ordering for everyone in the car or he was ordering everything the others went for, plus a few extra things, for himself.
** If you pay attention during this cutscene, after the third or fourth thing Smoke orders everyone in the car looks around at him like "You are shitting me."
** Also, Big Smoke managing to eat the entire gang's takeaway meal while the others are having a shootout with another gang's car.
--->'''Ryder:''' Why you ain't blastin', Smoke?\\
'''Big Smoke:''' I'll shoot 'em when I'm done eatin'.\\
'''CJ:''' Quit stuffin' your motherfuckin' mouth! Let's go!\\
'''Big Smoke:''' I ain't stuffin' it, homie. I'm enjoyin' my meal. Hey, kill that asshole! Shit, this a great sandwich!\\
'''Ryder:''' Smoke! Stop stuffin' your face and start popping them Ballas!\\
'''Big Smoke:''' I'm tryin' to enjoy my food!\\
'''Sweet:''' And those fools are tryin' to enjoy our death! Now, c'mon, Smoke, shoot!\\
'''Big Smoke:''' Hey, I'm just finishing my fries!\\
''[Sweet's car slams deftly into an obstacle, such as the Ballas gang car, a passing car or a wall]''\\
'''Big Smoke:''' My special!\\
'''Ryder:''' Oh shit, you got ketchup all over the seat!\\
'''Big Smoke:''' The business at hand, motherfucker, the business at hand!\\
'''Ryder:''' But these was clean pants!
** And another time, during a chase between the Grove Street OG's and the LSPD in "Reuniting the Families":
--->'''Big Smoke:''' ''(as he drives through a car wash)'' Put up your windows!\\
'''Sweet:''' Smoke, what the ''fuck'' are you doing?!\\
'''CJ:''' Dammit, Smoke, [[EyeScream I got soap in my eye!]] Smoke, you're insane!\\
'''Big Smoke:''' [[ComedicSociopathy I like things clean!]]
* Sweet and Kendl argue over Kendl's "cholo motherfucker" boyfriend Cesar.
-->'''Sweet''': Some things just aren't meant to happen. I mean, what if ya'll have kids? Leroy Hernandez? That don't sound good, girl.\\
'''Kendl''': His name ain't Hernandez.\\
'''Sweet''': Well, Leroy Lopez then.\\
'''Kendl''': Or Lopez either, you racist fuck! That ain't how Moms raised us!\\
'''Sweet''': I ain't racist. I just know how they feel about you. And look at you, you're dressed like a hooker!\\
''(CJ enters)''\\
'''Kendl''': Oh, and I guess you two would know what a hooker look like, huh.\\
'''CJ''': ''*matter-of-factly*'' You say that like it's a bad thing.\\
'''Kendl, Sweet''': ''Shut up, Carl!''
* And later on, Tenpenny tells CJ to call 555-WETIP and frame someone for drug possession.
-->'''CJ''': Hey motherfucker, the code of the streets is that [[EvenEvilHasStandards I don't snitch! I don't give a fuck if it kills you, me, my brother. Street cats don't call no cops!]]\\
'''Tenpenny''': Carl, he's a D.A.!\\
'''CJ''': ...yeah? Well, where I go find him?
** Judging by CJ's tone of voice, it's probably the only job he ever had to do for Tenpenny that he was eager to do.
* In "Just Business", Smoke is in the middle of calling for CJ's help in a gunfight when he lands right next to him.
-->'''Big Smoke''': CJ GET IN HERE--oh, there you are.
** In the same mission, Smoke and CJ are escaping the Russians on a motorcycle, and then the Packer hits a bus. Later on, the same truck drives down the sewer system, ''[[Film/Terminator2JudgmentDay Terminator 2]]'' style.
--->'''CJ:''' Oh shit, now the truck's found us again!\\
'''Big Smoke:''' Man, stop being so negative! Focus on the good news.\\
'''CJ:''' Such as?\\
'''Big Smoke:''' We ain't dead, and your trigger finger still works, fool! [[HypocriticalHumor I think the gearbox is screwed up on this thing, I can't get no speed!]]\\
'''CJ:''' [[LampshadeHanging Yeah, who's negative now, bitch?]]\\
'''Big Smoke:''' Point taken, [[ShuttingUpNow I'll keep my mouth shut from now on.]]
* OG Loc has got to be the funniest character in the game. Here's when he's rapping in the bathroom of Burger Shot:
-->'''OG Loc''': Hey hey hey, it's OG Loc, homie, and I'm gonna kick it a little something like this... Hey yo', when I come through up in the place, you don't want me to call with a gun in your face, I feel it harder than anyone in the world could do, just like a...\\
''(A man comes out of the toilet cubicle)''\\
'''Man''': Yo, that shit SUCKS! Damn! ''(leaves)''\\
'''OG Loc''': Damn--my shit was wack!
* For some dark humour, how about when CJ needs a silenced pistol?
-->'''CJ''': ''(looking at the silenced pistol Cesar pulled out of nowhere)'' Where'd you get that?\\
'''Cesar''': Same place I buy my pants, holmes. This is [[{{Eagleland}} America]]!
** Even funnier in the context that this comes right after CJ says he wants to use car parts to create a makeshift silencer, whereupon Cesar tells him to get out of the ghetto mindset - just ''[[BoringButPractical buy]]'' one!
* Anything Toreno says. Made twenty times funnier by the fact that it's Creator/JamesWoods doing the voice.
** Don't bother taking the flight school mission by completing side missions, and, after some increasingly urgent calls from Toreno, you get this:
--->'''Toreno''': But that's fine, because, you know what, your brother is getting a new cellmate tonight. '''Horsecock Harry'''. And I'm sending them a present, little wedding present. ''Biiiiig'' tub of lube.\\
'''CJ''': Shit, dude, okay, okay, I swear man I'm gonna be the best pilot!\\
'''Toreno''': I'd love to hear you, Carl, I can't hear you. All I can hear are the sound of your brother's love cries as eight kilometres of '''''cock''''' finds its way up his ass! "Aooooowww!" That's your brother, okay?
** Another good Toreno quote:
--->'''Toreno''': The Russians have bigger things to worry about than your genitals, Carl.
** And yet another in the intro for N.O.E, when Toreno suddenly grabs Carl from behind:
--->'''Toreno:''' GOT YOU AGAIN CARL! You're half asleep, I could have killed you in ''NINE'' different ways! Wake up and smell the coffee.\\
'''Carl:''' You need to lay OFF the coffee!
* Many scenes with Ryder. For example, when you go with him to do a little burglary:
-->'''Ryder''': Let's storm the place!\\
'''CJ''': Hold up! Let's creep in, grab the guns, and bounce out.\\
'''Ryder''': Gyeah, gyeah, I got it, Ninja Style! Right! '''''[[WithCatlikeTread COME OUT, YOU OLD BASTARD!]]'''''\\
'''CJ''': Shut up!\\
'''Ryder''': You can't stop me! You busta, Carl!
** Then there's the time Ryder [[EpicFail tries to stick up a pizza parlor...]]
--->'''Ryder:''' Give up the money! This a raid!\\
'''Cashier:''' [[OhNoNotAgain Ryder! Not this again!]]\\
'''Ryder:''' [[BlatantLies It ain't me, fool!!]]\\
'''Cashier:''' [[NoOneElseIsThatDumb No one else is that small]]. I feel sorry for your dad.
** Bonus points for the ScrewThisImOuttaHere and subsequent OhCrap from CJ and Ryder when the Cashier whips out a {{shotgun|sarejustbetter}}, and Ryder's choice of [[PaperThinDisguise "disguise"]]: removing his hat and putting on a near-transparent mask.
** This exchange from "Robbing Uncle Sam", when the Mule van spawns immediately after the opening cutscene:
--->'''CJ:''' [[LampshadeHanging How we get this van? It wasn't outside when I came through.]]\\
'''Ryder:''' [[BehindTheBlack My homie LB, he's like a clockwork ninja! Real dependable. Unlike some of you motherfuckers...]]
* How about when CJ and the Truth are driving to San Fierro in the Mothership?
-->'''Truth''': Go faster? The engine block's held together with a macrame hammock, and it's running on fifteen year old cooking oil!
** Also:
--->'''Truth:''' Hey, you want a hit on this? A little Temple Charas in a cocktail with some Nepalese munga munga!\\
'''CJ:''' Put that thing out, man! I can't see.\\
'''Truth:''' Hey.... mellow out, brother, it's good shit.\\
'''CJ:''' Put it out, motherfucker, I'm warning you!\\
'''Truth:''' Woah! Chill the fuck out! Firstly, you are a real buzz killer, amigo.... and secondly, [[EntendreFailure I never made love to my mother. She wouldn't.]]
* Toreno messing with CJ during the 'Vertical Bird' mission:
-->'''Toreno''': You see? Child's play! \\
'''CJ''': Fuck you, Toreno! I never want to go through this again! I think I'm gonna hurl... \\
'''Toreno''': Ooh, what a big whiner, you want some cheese with that wine? Hey, you were spectacular. You know what, I'm beginning to think my little Carl is a double agent. Oooh.\\
'''CJ''': Shut up, Toreno. Where do you want this thing? \\
'''Toreno''': What thing? I don't know what you're talking about - you stole it. Got nothing to do with me, I don't know what you're talking about. See ya 'round.\\
'''CJ''': Toreno? Toreno! Shit!
* Earlier in Vertical Bird.
-->'''Toreno''': Sneak in the back without being seen. Once you're on the inside, I cannot help you.\\
'''CJ''': Well, can you help me now?\\
'''Toreno''': Oh, well, no. Actually, no.
** Yep, CJ gave ''Toreno'' pause.
** Toreno's mocking tone as he parodies the enemy pilot's warning to CJ, "Prepare to be vaporized."
* Oh yeah, and pretty much entirety of the mission where you have to find those two British guys in the desert.
-->'''Truth''': We faced the inner light and communed with the lizard king.\\
'''CJ''': Sounds fun. How did it go?\\
'''Truth''': That's the problem, I don't know. I'm in Los Santos. I woke up in a Japanese bathhouse about an hour ago. I have no idea how I got here or where the others are.

-->'''CJ''': Man, what the hell was y'all doing last night?\\
'''Maccer''': Got a rag?\\
'''CJ''': ...Ehh, so where am I taking y'all?

-->'''Maccer''': BUT I'M A FOOKING RAZBR'Y!!!\\
'''Kent Paul''': YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING RASPBERRY!\\
'''Maccer''': I can't feel me legs, our P! I've wanked the use out of 'em!\\
'''Kent Paul''': Just stand up, you soppy cunt. We go through this every weekend!

-->''(CJ and co. driving away from angry snake farm residents)''\\
'''Maccer''': Hey, what about the band?\\
'''Kent Paul''': We'll just have to pray they've made it to civilization. Keyboardists and drummers are ten-a-penny anyway.
* In the cargo ship, the elderly Asian man responsible for setting up the refugees throws you a katana and yells that you two should duel with honor...or you can just shoot him, a la ''Film/RaidersOfTheLostArk''.
* Any time CJ and Woozie are interacting is bound to be hilarious.
--> '''CJ''' ''[shortly after discovering that Woozie is blind]'': Uh... Woozie... [[YouKnowImBlackRight You do know I'm]] ''[[YouKnowImBlackRight black]]'', [[YouKnowImBlackRight right? And not Chinese?]]
--> '''Woozie:''' I'm blind, Carl, not stupid.
** Another particularly good moment comes during a pre-mission cutscene for one of Woozie's missions in Las Venturas, where Woozie and CJ are playing blackjack (paraphrased from memory):
--->'''Woozie:''' Hit me.\\
'''CJ:''' Are you sure, man?\\
'''Woozie:''' Yeah. I'm going for a five card hand. Come on.\\
'''CJ:''' Okay. *CJ puts another card down* Here. I'm gonna stick, what you got?\\
'''Woozie:''' ...How would I know? You tell me!\\
'''CJ:''' Not good, man. You got, uh... forty-seven.\\
'''Woozie:''' Damn! You're bad luck for me, you know. When I play the other guys, I always win!
* Some of Woozie's quotes in the "Mountain Cloud Boys":
-->'''Woozie:''' YOUR MOTHERS WERE DEMON SLUTS!
-->'''Woozie:''' YOUR BLOOD WILL RUN LIKE WINE!
** After you killed all of the attackers:
--->'''Woozie:''' Thank you Carl. You saved me from having to kill them myself.
* Before "You've Had Your Chips", one of the Mountain Cloud boys comes in with a pair of casino chips and offers them to Woozie.
--> '''Woozie:''' One's a fake.\\
'''CJ:''' ... That's amazing, you ain't even ''touched'' 'em.\\
'''Woozie:''' I took a guess. [[CaptainObvious Why else would he come in here with two chips, sounding so upset]]? You take a look, Carl.\\
'''CJ:''' Oh, yeah. The dragon on this one's [[TakeThat got on sunglasses and a white stick]]... ''([[DontExplainTheJoke remember, Woozie's blind...]])''\\
'''Woozie:''' (slams table) '''[[BerserkButton Insolent BASTARDS!]]'''
** Even funnier, Woozie and CJ were playing Catch 21, and Every time, Woozie kept asking for another card for a 5 card hand. He get's a 47, but look closely and you see CJ hasn't even bothered to pick up any cards but his one, as if he knew he's winning against a blind man no matter what.
** Also, the thought of one of Woozie's men coming in and telling him to "Take a look" at the chips.
* At the rendezvous point after stealing an armored truck for the casino heist.
-->'''CJ''': Where's Woozie?\\
'''Henchman''': I don't know. [[BlindDriving He insisted on driving here himself, he could be anywhere]].
** [[DontExplainTheJoke NB: Woozie is blind]].
* The second half of the final scene in the Johnson house.
-->''Rosenberg enters with Madd Dogg, Maccer and Kent Paul. Sweet, CJ, and Cesar pull their pistols.''\\
'''Rosenberg''': Whoa, whoa. I come in peace with Mr. Dogg here who has an announcement.\\
'''Madd Dogg''': My - I mean, OUR first gold record!\\
''Everyone starts cheering.''\\
'''Maccer''': And I've decided to get breast implants.\\
'''Paul''': Shut up, will ya?\\
''He leads Maccer off into the kitchen.''\\
'''CJ''': Anyway, what's next?\\
'''Kendl''': We should hit the casinos, roll some dice with Woozie.\\
'''Sweet''': Nah, we gotta take care of shit here first.\\
'''Madd Dogg''': We goin' on tour, fan!\\
'''Rosenberg''': Has anyone got a tissue? My nose is...it just won't stop running - anybody?\\
'''Maccer''': Yeah, I 'ave. Over 'ere.\\
'''Rosenberg''': Uh...I'll pass.
* When Lazlow interviews OG Loc on Entertaining America:
-->''' OG Loc ''': I've been gangbanging since I was three. Ice cold killaaaa!\\
'''Lazlow''': Excuse me? Gangbanging? I never really understood that, I mean, other guys in the room while you- ergh!
* Kent Paul tries to get Maccer to stop his self-gratification for a few minutes, but it doesn't work:
--> '''Paul''': No, Maccer, fight the urge!! [[ThinkUnsexyThoughts Think of...]][[UsefulNotes/MargaretThatcher Thatcher!]] *It works up until the end of the cutscene where Paul sees...*\\
'''Maccer''': ''[Later]'' Thatcher! Thatcher! Thatcher! Thatcher! [[ImmodestOrgasm I LOVE YA, MAGGIE!]]\\
'''Paul:''' Agh, Maccer! You ain't right in the head, mate...
** In another instance, Maccer pleasures himself while Madd Dogg is recording one of his songs, much to Paul's annoyance.
--> '''Paul''': Oh, you manky mongrel!\\
'''Maccer:''' Ooh, sorry geez...\\
'''Paul:''' You shouldn't be choking the gecko in the first place! [[NoodleIncident Remember what happened at that gig in Hamburg?!]]\\
'''Maccer:''' That groupie loved it.\\
'''Paul:''' That wasn't a groupie, that was a ''roadie''!\\
'''Maccer:''' But she had great tits.\\
'''Paul:''' ''Man'' tits! They were '''man tits!'''
* Anything and everything on WCTR. You'd be lying if you didn't listen to it just to laugh.
* This conversation between CJ and Zero:
--> '''Zero:''' Berkley is back!!\\
'''CJ''': Ooooh, Berkley...\\
'''*{{beat}}*'''\\
'''CJ''': ''Who the fuck is Berkley?''\\
'''Zero''': Just a man I once beat in fair competition. A man literally ''obsessed'' with revenge.\\
'''CJ''': Oh! You put hands on him?\\
'''Zero''': NO! Please... I never initiate violence.\\
'''CJ''': Oh, I know - you knocked his bitch!\\
'''Zero''': No... I won the prize in a science fair. ''First'' prize that is!\\
'''*{{beat}}*'''\\
'''CJ''': [[DisproportionateRetribution And now he wanna pop you?]] ...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And they say gangbangers is petty and small minded!
* During the intro video for ''Supply Lines...'', [[ActuallyPrettyFunny CJ cracks up]] when he sees Zero hanging from the inside of his closet by his underwear.
-->'''CJ:''' Man, them some pretty strong drawers!
* Lonely Hearts on WCTR. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-mzGsFFq9k&t=632s Exhibit A]]:
--> '''Caller''': I wish my dog could talk and cuddle me all night...\\
'''Fernando''': YOU! [[BestialityIsDepraved Stay away from animals!]] It's not legal, [[EveryoneHasStandards not even for me!]]
* The fact that [[HandicappedBadass Woozie]] is the best shot, next to the player (even then depending on the player), in the game, [[DontExplainTheJoke in spite of his blindness]]!
* The scene where CJ tells Woozie he's afraid of swimming:
-->'''CJ''': When I was a kid, swimming out to Santa Maria, I once got a condom stuck to my face.\\
''[Woozie cracks up.]''\\
'''CJ''': Horror like that stays with you for life, believe that.
* Another CJ[=/=]Woozie scene where Woozie manages to beat CJ in a driving ''video game''.
* The chats between CJ and Catalina are mostly just hilarious, especially while driving during missions. Bonus points if playing [[SoundtrackDissonance unfitting radio music]]. (e.g playing country music while Catalina insults CJ for going soft.)
* During the first part of "Breaking the Bank at Caligula's", after you get the triads in, Woozie says "OK team, I've gone over the layout of this place so I know it back to front. Everybody follow me!" Cue him walking straight into a wall, and claiming that the casino owners have changed the layout.
* CJ goes to visit Smoke and after getting to the door Tenpenny walks out. After a beat he leans in and yells "'''[[JumpScare BOO!]]'''". CJ's deadpan "[[EvilIsPetty Asshole]]" just caps the moment off.
** Arguably funnier in the Let's Play, where the moment where Tenpenny walks out of Smoke's house, and the moment where he goes "BOO!", is ''interrupted by a session break!'' That's got to be the king of all {{Delayed Reaction}}s.
* In the opening cutscene for the mission "Body Harvest", CJ enters the hotel room the Truth told him to go to, where he finds Tenpenny. [[MushroomSamba Stoned off his ass due to smoking a bong]]. It goes without saying that stoned Creator/SamuelLJackson is pretty hilarious.
--> '''Tenpenny:''' Truth here is gonna supply you with the finest...*hits bong*...''weed.''\\
I got a real do-gooder fuckin' with me, and I want you to take this little green poison... *hits bong again* and drop it on him! ([[GigglingVillain giggles like a schoolboy]])\\
'''CJ:''' (stifled laughter) Hey what's happening? Oh, is this ''"undercover training"''? Oh no, you must be off duty.
* In the cutscene for Dam and Blast, CJ is kicking extra bystanders out of the room where he is planning his big heist. The only one left is a janitor.
-->'''CJ''': Hey, what are you still doing here?\\
'''Janitor''': I live here.\\
''pause''\\
'''CJ''': Oh, OK, you can stay. [[note]]He actually does stay, all the way through the big heist at Caligula's.[[/note]]
* In the mission Stowaway, CJ is required to jump out of a plane with a parachute at the end. It's actually possible to jump out [[TooDumbToLive without a parachute]]. If the player does this, they're treated to [[ItsAWonderfulFailure an extra cutscene]] [[http://youtu.be/ow5C4-HY8jM that depicts CJ going splat]] [[CarCushion on a car roof]]. What did you ''think'' was going to happen?!
* In "Up, Up And Away!", the heist crew needs to steal an armored car, and Zero suggests using a helicopter with an electromagnet attached to grab one off the ground and airlift it elsewhere. CJ is the only one there who knows how to fly a real chopper, so he reluctantly agrees to do so. Zero references [[ThatOneLevel his missions]] at the end of the conversation, including the last one where you used a toy RC helicopter to pick up and drop all sorts of things:
-->'''Zero:''' [enthusiastic] It'll be just like fighting Berkley, but only ''bigger!''\\
'''CJ:''' Yeah. [[SarcasmMode Thanks for that.]]
* Before Zero's final battle against Berkley (using RC toys to fight on a large model landscape, with the loser having to leave San Fierro forever), he gives a somber speech to CJ as though defeat will mean his death. Remember that these missions are unlocked by purchasing the deed to Zero's shop.
-->'''Zero:''' Here are some letters. I've left everything to you in case I don't make it. Please.\\
'''CJ:''' [After glancing at the letters] I already ''own'' it!
* From Running Dog:
-->'''Big Smoke:''' Hey - [[ElSpanishO excuso me, José, yoy soy El Grando Smokio]], and I want that grass. Comprende?\\
'''LS Vagos:''' Eh, fuck you cabrón.\\
'''Big Smoke:''' Now that ain't nice. [[ElSpanishO Coughio up el weedo]], before I blow your brains all over the patio.
* From Big Smoke's introductory cutscene:
-->'''Big Smoke''': Like it says in [[Literature/TheBible the book]], we are blessed ''and'' cursed.\\
''[{{Beat}}]''\\
'''CJ''': ...[[ComicallyMissingThePoint What fuckin' book?]]
* From one of Sweet's early missions, "Cleaning the Hood", in the cutscene when Ryder and CJ enter the Balla crack den.
-->'''Ryder''': Good afternoon, Balla dope pushers! Grove Street OG's come to do damage! (Hits the doped-out crack dealer with a bat. Some more Ballas confront him.)\\
'''Balla''': Fuck them Grove Street fools!\\
''(The cutscene ends, and CJ and Ryder attack the rest of the Ballas.)''\\
'''Balla''': Grove Street's goin' down!\\
'''Ryder''': (To CJ) ''Ninja'' these motherfuckers!
* The ending cutscene of the game has a moment where the Johnsons and Cesar are sitting in the house and talking about their success in the neighborhood when Ken, Madd Dogg, Kent, and Maccer come in. Cue CJ, Sweet and Cesar drawing their pistols at them.
* "Puncture Wounds" has Cesar, normally the calm and composed type, ''completely'' flipping out over a woman in a car he's aiming to steal outdriving him at every turn.
-->'''Cesar''': Too bad we can't involve the police, cause then we could pop her crazy bitch tires and bang her crazy bitch ass in jail, ''for being a danger to my sanity!''
** It gets funnier when you find the woman driving him crazy. More specifically, her car, a Stratum. Which means Cesar and his custom lowrider were getting shown up by a ''station wagon''.
** And you outdriving her with Tampa, a car that belongs more to a destruction derby contest rather than the streets. Which is modified to deploy stinger/spike strips, but still, the other appearance of such car in the whole story is (1) the demonstration for shooting fuel tank and (2) fitted with explosive to destroy the yay lab.
* As horrifying as the ending for the mission "Deconstruction" is, there is an extremely funny line from the foreman when you're pushing the port-a-potty that he's in into the hole:
-->"Oh, my ''OWN SHIT''!"
[[/folder]]

[[folder: Gameplay]]
* One cheat for ''San Andreas'' has cars float away straight up when hit. Or at an angle if hit as such. Playing handball with a station wagon on the streets of San Fierro and then waving bye-bye as the screaming passengers ascend towards the moon? Utterly magnificent.
** Another cheat assigns aircraft characteristics to cars, allowing the player to fly any land-based vehicle like an aircraft. This affect even extends to the tank, making for one of the funnest joyrides in any video game ever.
** Speaking of tanks, they can be rather amusing themselves. They try to steamroll you flat, or bump your vehicle lethally, or end up clipping into something that ends up having them bounce or ''launch'' into the air, sometimes even spinning rapidly. And with the flying cars cheat, you may end up bailing out of the car, and having your car just bounce off the top of the tank. ''It'll hardly notice it was you.'' Even better, with some certain cheat codes activated, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6VYl41MmQk you can have the tank fly around spinning yourself]].
* Try listening to the random pedestrian quotes every so often. Almost every single one of them has a... unique personality.
* This game adds random ped events such as police having car chases with random criminals or criminals themselves engaging police close up. It's funny as it is random.
** Pedestrians may randomly scream in terror despite no dangers being around.
** Carjacking incidents often happen anywhere, ''including your ride'', to which CJ makes hilarious comments whilst being jacked.
* Try using a spray can or a fire extinguisher inside a fast food restaurant. They'll act as if you shot a gun. Apparently, [[FauxHorrific fast-food cashiers are really scared of a paint spray can and a fire extinguisher]], [[HypocriticalHumor despite the Burger Shot & Well Stacked Pizza cashiers being okay with having fire extinguishers in the kitchen]].
** The cashiers actually seem to react to being targeted at all. This means that if you can get close enough to the counter without triggering the "purchase food" menu, and then hold down the "aim/target lock on" button, you can [[FauxHorrific spook the cashiers]] with a sex toy, flowers, or even nothing at all!
* Most of CJ's dialogue outside of cutscenes are freaking gold:
-->"You a professional moron, or just a gifted amateur?"\\
"It's my constitutional right, fool!"\\
"Come on, do I look like a gangster? I'm a businessman!"\\
"What kind of license you got? Fishing license?"
** ''Anything'' CJ says when a car crashes into his, [[NeverMyFault or vice versa]].
--->"Did you buy/steal your license?!"\\
"What in fuck's name are you doin'?!"\\
"Are you allowed to drive if you're blind?!"\\
''"You complete fuckin' moron!"''\\
"You wrecked my shit!"\\
''"Fuck you!"''
* A subset of the above dialogue is the snippets of songs he sings during his IdleAnimation:
** "WARM IT UP KANE, WARM IT UP CJ!"
** "[[Music/EnVogue Never gonna get it never gonna get it]]... biatch."
** "[[Music/RodStewart Young heaaarts, be freeee, toni-]] wait, what?"
* Getting CJ really fat makes him say things like [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THNuihao_Tw this]]:
** "You wanna look like swiss cheese?"
** "Yeah, fat fool's packin', [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch]]!"
** "Lunch money!"
* Wait for a traffic jam on the highway (or just make one), then blow up a car toward the middle. All the cars around it will explode... and all the ones near those... and all the ones near those... And so on.
* As in ''VideoGame/GrandTheftAutoIII'', the cops chasing you in the helicopter have some pretty funny lines.
-->'''Co-Pilot:''' Why do I have to do all of the shooting?!\\
'''Pilot:''' Because ''I'm'' a pacifist! Kill him!\\
\\
'''Pilot:''' Man, stop photographing those women and shoot the bastard!\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' Hey, shut up!\\
\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' You! Stop!\\
'''Pilot:''' Just shoot him, you pussy!\\
\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' Hey, I can see my house from here!\\
'''Pilot:''' Hey, will you shut the hell up! You, stop!\\
\\
'''Pilot:''' SHOOT THAT ASSHOLE!\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' I'm trying, I'm trying!\\
\\
'''Pilot:''' [after the chase has gone on for a while] This is aerial support--\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' I think he knows that by now.\\
\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' I'm going to ''kill'' this guy!\\
'''Pilot:''' Make sure it's the ''right'' guy this time!\\
\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' I see her! She's beautiful!\\
'''Pilot:''' HE'S over ''there''! He's a GUY!\\
\\
'''Pilot:''' You can start praying now, suspect!\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' [sarcastically] Oh, you sound really butch.\\
\\
'''Co-Pilot:''' Hey, if I kill him, do I get a medal?\\
'''Pilot:''' You get ''two''!
* Some lines from the police radio when inside an emergency vehicle are also amusing.
-->'''Officer:''' We got some kind of incident in Blueberry involving a washing machine.\\
\\
'''Officer #1:''' I'm fucking dying out here! Gimme some help already!\\
'''Officer #2:''' Ah, shut up with your moaning!\\
\\
'''Officer:''' We got a hysterical old woman in Las Brujas. Said she's a witch or something.\\
\\
'''Officer #1:''' We need a squad car and an ambulance over to Palomino Creek, right now. Now!\\
'''Officer #2:''' Relax, asshole. People die every day.\\
'''Officer #1:''' Well, fuck you!\\
\\
'''Dispatch:''' There's a 10-91 in progress in Chinatown.\\
'''Officer:''' Which Chinatown?\\
'''Dispatch:''' Chinatown in San Fierro, you chump!\\
\\
'''Dispatch:''' We're getting in reports of reckless mountain biking on Mount Chiliad. Repeat: people are having fun! Stop it at once!\\
'''Officer:''' Copy, Control. Going in.\\
\\
'''Dispatch:''' There's a 10-37 near the Mulholland Intersection. This looks serious--\\
'''Officer:''' How would you know, Controller? You sit behind a desk all day, acting like a big man!\\
'''Dispatch:''' Fuck you!\\
'''Officer:''' Fuck you, too!\\
\\
'''Dispatch:''' There's a 10-24 in Doherty, involving a lot of drugs.\\
'''Officer:''' Copy, Controller, I'm all over it.\\
'''Dispatch:''' Not you! You're just out of rehab!
* The low flying two-people planes sometimes glitch and crash. This was kept in on purpose by the programmers because it was awesome.
* One possible response when you take someone's car:
-->'''Carjacking victim''': Oh, you can take it! I need the insurance money.
* If you get the cops chasing you in San Fierro and flee on foot, sometimes a cop will cheerfully shout "I love your not polluting escape method!" while shooting at you.
* Stunt planes may often fly through the sky sometimes... except if you're on Mount Chiliad, which it ends up crashing into and exploding. It can be pretty entertaining to watch... as long as it isn't a hazard.
* CJ's banter during a high wanted level can be rather amusing:
-->''"Ay, go chase some other fool!"''\\
''"BITCHES!"''\\
''"Cop asshole!"''\\
''"[[DontMakeMeDestroyYou Don't make me turn around, fool!]]"''\\
''"Punk-ass busta!"''\\
''(while driving) "I can't believe this shit!"''\\
''"Ain't ya got nothing better to do?!"''\\
''"YOU ASSHOLES!"''
* From the radio advert for Redwood Cigarettes:
-->'''Woman''': Redwood Cigarettes - proud sponsor of the LS City Marathon.
* While the User Track Player is a great feature on its own on the [=PC=] version, you can also add seemingly ''anything'' to it. For example, you could put in some of the game's own MemeticMutation [[note]]something like [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfeervqhY9Y this]][[/note]] and have that playing in your car radio without a problem.
* Whenever CJ gets busted, he has a variety of unique quotes depending on whether he's gangsta (default), rich, fat, or at 4-6 stars.
-->''"You get job satisfaction, huh, one-time?!"''\\
''"You just a punk, po-po!"''\\
''"You gotta understand, I don't give a fuck!"''\\
''"I'm being arrested by a bitch?! I can't believe that!"''\\
''"Let me go, bitch!"''\\
''"You better lock me up, cause otherwise, you're dead!"''\\
''"Tell it to yo' wife or husband or whoever you got!"''\\
''"I can't run no more, po-po."'' (when fat)\\
''"I'm tired of running. And I'm tired of yo' shit!"'' (when fat)\\
''"I'll ruin your career for this!"'' (when rich)\\
''"I swear I didn't do shit."'' (when rich)\\
''"C'mon, sir! I'm an honest man!"'' (when rich)\\
''"I got money, officer. Take it! Make your wife happy!"'' (when rich)\\
''"Shut the fuck up, bitch!"'' (4-6 stars)\\
''"You suck, asshole!"'' (4-6 stars)\\
''"I'll find you, fool!"'' (4-6 stars)
* If you steal a car near a train or tram, it's entirely possible for the former car owner to be pulled out of their car, fall to the railway, and then ''get crushed by the train/tram''.
* If you shoot someone when they're still in their car, there's a chance that their corpse will remain seated in the car. Since the way CJ steals a car is more violent than how Claude and Tommy did so, as he punches the passenger/driver first before pulling them out of the car, it becomes really darkly funny when you steal a car whose driver/passenger you killed first and then CJ punches the corpse and pulls them out of the car, as if being dead wasn't bad enough already. It's even funnier when you make the kill by [[BoomHeadshot crushing their heads]] with a Desert Eagle, assault rifle, or sniper rifle, which makes CJ punch ''a headless corpse'' before pulling them out of the car.
* With a wanted level, lure a police vehicle with 2 or more officers occupying it and let them get out of their vehicle to chase you on foot, then quickly save at a save point, use a pay n' spray, or cheat to disable your wanted level. Now watch them as they reach for the driver's seat in their vehicles and then proceed to ''jack their own men''. Made even funnier with SWAT or FBI proceeding to jack themselves ''three times''.
* One way to get rid of the police bike chasing your vehicle from behind is to perform a full stop and watch the cop ''eject'' from his bike upon crashing behind you.
* One [[GoodBadBugs glitch]] involving starting a burglary mission then entering a wardrobe and wait the mission to fail then exit the wardrobe and you have CJ extremely deformed. This glitch can also happen if you change your skin to another character via trainer and then change clothes.
* The infamous The Definitive Edition remaster has a plea of buggy physics especially relation to CJ due to being an unfinished state that can give you a laugh. Examples
** When CJ enters a bike, his hands can't reach the bike's handles.
** When CJ uses the weights in the gym, his neck gets deformed.
** CJ drinks soda in the eyes instead of the mouth.
* A bit of unintentional hilarity; if CJ fails the mission where he has to infiltrate a dance party to gain access to the van full of speakers, the music stops and every single NPC leaves since the dance isn't coded to take place outside of a mission. Ingame however, it looks like your dance skills were ''so shitty'' they completely killed the party!

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