* "I'm not a Fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress in black and go around telling people what to do, whereas priests...more drink!"
** From that episode, the entire scene with the two townspeople.
** "Feckin' Greeks! They invented gayness!"
** "It isn't the Greeks, it's the Chinese he's after!" "I'm not after ''anyone''!"
** "Should we all be racists now, Father? What's the official line the Church is taking on this?"
* Father Jack sees the rabbits that have infested the parochial house. Say it with me: "RATS! HAIRY JAPANESE BASTARDS!"
* Dougal... just [[TheDitz Dougal]].
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25N-4zrk390 Perspective for Dummies]].
--->"One last time. (picks up two toy cows) These are small, but the ones out there are far away."
** Dougal's diagram.
** "YOU LET DOUGAL DO A FUNERAL?!!" *cut to a flaming hearse*
** That happy face he makes when he realizes he's not going to run into the "big pile of boxes in the middle of the road!" is un-fecking-believeably funny.
** "....and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses!"[[note]]completely improvised on the spot by Ardal O'Hanlon[[/note]]
* Dougal is naming his new rabbit, but Ted has told him it cannot be "Ted" or "Mrs. Doyle". He eventually settles on naming it "Father Jack".
-->'''Dougal:''' I got used to calling him Father Jack. Can't we call Father Jack something else instead?
-->'''Ted:''' Great, what do we call him? Flipper. Flipper the Priest.
* "Kicking Bishop Brennan up the Arse". The '''''entire''''' episode, but especially the ending [[spoiler: where Bishop Brennan kicks Ted up the arse ''sending him flying several feet through the air'']].
** Also, Ted's first attempt at kicking Bishop Brennan up the arse. As he's running up to deliver the kick, [[TheDragon Father Jessop]] sees him and Ted shifts gears and ''jumps out the window''.
** "HE ''DID'' KICK ME UP THE ARSE!!!"
** The exchange between Father Jessop, Bishop Brennan and Father Jack:
--> '''Brennan''': Aha! The Kraken awakes! Did we disturb you father Hackett?
--> '''Jack''': ARSE BISCUITS!
--> '''Jessop''': What?! How dare you speak to his grace like that! Apologize immediately!
--> '''Jack''': ''(Most sarcastic voice possible)'' I'm so... so... sorry! ''(makes rabbit ear gestures)''
** TheStinger at the end of the episode:
--> '''Jessop''': I'm really... enjoying this.
* "Hell", the entire episode. It gave one of the funniest Father Jack scenes in the whole show.
--> '''Jack:''' [[NoIndoorVoice WHO'RE YOU? I LIKE CAKE. WHERE AM I? WHAT'S THAT THING THERE? ARE THOSE MY FEET?]]\\
'''Ted:''' ''(to Dougal)'' God, let's just get him to sleep and we'll head off ourselves. ''(aloud)'' Okay Father, into your box! ''(picks up a small cardboard box with a night sky painted on it and puts it upside-down over Jack's head)''\\
'''Jack:''' DRINK! ARSE! GIRLS! ''(as the box goes over his head, he immediately falls asleep)''
* Ted's perfectionism in getting a dent out of a car they were sent to raffle off ends up destroying it. He's unusually calm surveying the damage and concluding that they can't use it in the raffle, then cut to an exterior shot that night...
-->Jesus Christ, we're dead! Oh God Almighty!
** From the same episode - the priest Ted hires to DJ at the fundraising event has brought only one record with him.
-->'''Ted:''' So let me just thank you all now for coming along, and ask you to stand for our national anthem.
-->''Cue "Ghost Town" by Music/TheSpecials.''
* Jack sobers up and starts remembering what everything in the house is called...and his word for Ted is "gobshite."
** "I'm still on that feckin' island!!"
* "Night of the Nearly Dead", when all the old ladies are crowding around the house to get a glimpse of crooner Eoin [=McLove=], and Fr. Jack launches into this:
--> '''Father Jack:''' They lie in wait like wolves. The smell of blood in their nostrils. Waiting. Interminably waiting. And then...
--> '''Dougal:''' ... He's right Ted.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzYzVMcgWhg "We have to lose that sax solo!"]]
** "Like a train in the- Hold on I can get this bit- Night."
** In the same episode, Ted's ClusterFBomb speech.
** Father Jack's, ah, [[SawedOffShotgun "critique"]] of their song.
* Jack gets into a pub after a day of having his specs stolen, wandering into an alcoholic anonymous group and deprived of a single drink. An AA member sees him about to have a glass and runs in to toss it away.
-->[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vExieiQw4bM#t=5m55s "Don't do it Father! I won't let you do it, I know hurts but believe me you're going to thank me fo-" *Cut to Ambulance blaring down the road*]]
* "Never be yourself! That's just a thing people say!
* Ted attempting to teach Jack two phrases: "Yes" and "That would be an ecumenical matter."
* "Are you sure you won't have a cake Father? There's cocaine in them!" "WHAT?!?" "Oh no, not cocaine, what am I on about? I mean, what do you call them?, ''raisins.''"
* "Speed 3" is packed with hilarious moments.
** ''Pat Mustard''. Everything about him. Especially the sign on his van that says 'Shit Happens'. [[spoiler: Especially when his van blows up at the end and the only thing left is the sign.]]
** Dougal is sent on his way the warning, "Better get going - milk gets sour, you know. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that because it's shite."
** Father Jack takes a (very short-lived) shine to the brick Mrs. Doyle has put in the middle of the floor.
--->'''Ted:''' ''(getting up after tripping over the brick yet again)'' What's going on?\\
'''Mrs. Doyle:''' Father Hackett's got very fond of that brick. It's a great old pet for him - he doesn't have to feed it or clean it or take it to the vet. Suits him down to the ground.\\
'''Jack:''' I LOVE MY BRICK!\\
'''Ted:''' ''(beaming)'' Ah, that's nice. Maybe we're seeing another side to Father Jack. A more caring, considerate- ''(gets hit in the head with the brick)''\\
'''Jack:''' FECK IT! FED UP WITH BRICK!
** The various housewives to whom Dougal delivers milk strip off in anticipation of an encounter with Pat Mustard, and are horrified to discover that their new milkman is one of the village priests. Dougal, of course, does not notice their nudity. [[spoiler:At least, not until it finally sinks in at the end of the episode and he sits up in bed shouting "''Those women were in the nip!''"]]
** Ted's brainstorming session with Barren Island priests Father Beeching and Father Clarke[[note]] played by [[CreatorCameo Arthur Mathews]][[/note]]. Their first plan is to conduct Mass for Dougal alongside the "speeding" milkfloat, and during the brainstorming session the best they can produce is another Mass. They try watching ''Film/ThePoseidonAdventure'' since Gene Hackman's character in the film was a priest, but are disappointed to find he doesn't even say Mass.
** Then Ted trips over the brick ''[[RunningGag again]]'' - and draws what looks like a complicated diagram on the chalkboard before a shift in camera angle reveals that he has simply written "WE PUT THE BRICK ON THE ACCELERATOR". A plan which almost fails when Dougal, before stepping off the milk float, picks up the brick and shouts "Ted, you forgot your brick!"
* The ever-quotable "Down with this sort of thing!" ("Careful now!").
* During the Lovely Girls contest, Jack (with his hair grown extremely long and a bizarre beard) [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YCcCWbZi8aI is mistaken for Bob Geldof.]]
-->'''Jack:''' FECK OFF!
-->'''Local:''' 'tis himself alright.
-->'''Female Admirer''': Did you really knock Michael Hutchence unconscious?
-->'''Jack''': I BATTERED HIM!
* The entire SeriousBusiness of the priest subculture.
* The Christmas episode is an extra-long episode of hilarity, but the best moment has to be the three guessing as to what is behind the next window on the advent calendar:
-->'''Dougal''': God, I can't wait to see what's behind tomorrow's window. I bet its, its, a donkey or something.
-->'''Ted''': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. (*To Jack) What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
-->'''Jack''': A PAIR OF FECKIN' WOMEN'S KNICKERS!
-->'''Ted''': [[DeadpanSnarker Who knows]]...
-->'''Ted''': Yes, Father-
-->'''Jack''': '''''WOMEN'S KNICKERS!'''''
** That, and the treatment of the escape from the lingerie department as soldiers escaping from behind enemy lines. SeriousBusiness at its absolute finest.
* Jack being able to identify alcohol from the sound of bottles clinking together alone.
-->'''Ted''': No, father. It's just fizzy water.
-->'''Jack''': JACOB'S CREEK CHARDONNAY 1991!
* Prior to Season 3 Ted is somehow reinstated to active church work in Dublin and Paris... yet buggers it up again.
* Everything about ''Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep'', but Fargo Boyle's VillainousBreakdown at the end stands out, begging Chris ([[SeriousBusiness a sheep]]) not to look at him.
* Everything about Mrs Doyle. "Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on..."
* Father Noel Furlong's solo performance of "Bohemian Rhapsody" in "The Mainland".
** "Let's have a screeching competition! I'll go first! ''AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!''"
** [[ItMakesSenseInContext "But I'm ''hungry'', Tony!"]]