* Most of the movie. Patches, Steve, and White tend to generate these constantly.
* '''Patches:''' "You're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!"
** In the TV edit, he says, "poopie-flavored lollipop", which is just as funny (and gross).
* '''Patches:''' ''(to Gordon, during the training exercises)'' "You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!"
* If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball."
** "If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."
* "Who's Steve the Pirate?" (later...) "Hey look, it's Steve the Pirate"
** Explanation: [[spoiler: He doesn't recognize Steve the Pirate when he's in his pirate costume, but instead during the one time in the whole movie that he's in normal clothing.]]
* "Fuckin' Chuck Norris."
** The director stated in the DVD commentary that he wishes he had a way to have that line play on repeat all throughout his house.
* Patches "...Bye Bye" I dont know why it just cracks me up
* When the Girl Scouts get disqualified and one of them walks up to the girl who caused it and says, "God damn you, Bernice!". Bernice's ManlyTears in a deep voice adds to it.
* After White introduces Fran to the Joes, who nails a guy across the bad room with a dodgeball.
-->'''Justin:''' ''I think that guy might really be dead!''
** Justin's violent spit-take too.
* The ever [[CloudCuckooLander offbeat thinking]] Pepper Brooks.
-->''Average Joes walk out in bondage gear''
-->'''Cotton:''' Oh my sweet Jesus.
-->'''Pepper:''' That's rad.
* Owen's rather strange way of trying to comfort the team [[spoiler: after Patches was killed by two-tons of irish irony]].
-->'''Owen:''' Well, it was probably the way he would've wanted to go.
-->'''Dwight:''' ... What?
* Patches' CrossesTheLineTwice assessment of their team performance.
-->'''Patches''': And will somebody ''please'' catch a goddamn ball?! It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to fuck a doorknob out there!!
* Funny at the time, and either HilariousInHindsight or HarsherInHindsight (or both), depending on your sensibilities, was Lance Armstrong's cameo. In light of his doping scandal, his final line of the movie seems oddly (and hilariously) prophetic.
-->'''Lance Armstrong:''' I thought about quitting once, back when I was diagnosed with heart, lung, and testicular cancer all at the same time... But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals?
-->'''Peter''': Right now it feels a little bit like shame.
-->'''Lance Armstrong:''' Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. [[{{Foreshadowing}} I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.]]
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