!''Company of Heroes''
* Here's a collection of [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9mwJaQCf6to funny quotes]].
* Whenever a unit drops a ClusterFBomb, [[OhCrap panics at the sight of superior force]], [[JoinTheArmyTheySaid gripes about the conditions of the war in general]], [[WhatTheHellPlayer calls out the actions of the player]] ([[StopPokingMe especially if they click him too many times]]), [[BreakingTheFourthWall Breaks The Fourth Wall]], [[TakeAThirdOption or does any combination of the above]], odds are it's sidesplitting.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3azxIAWJdh0 Tune in here]] to [[PoirotSpeak listen to]] [[JustAStupidAccent the funniest lines of]] ThoseWackyNazis - [[NoSwastikas oops, I mean "Those Wacky Germans"]].
--> [[SeriousBusiness WAR is a SERIOUS matter!!]] '''[[PrecisionFStrike FUCK]]''' [[StopHavingFunGuys YOU!!!]]
--> Yes sir, ''yes'' sir, ''YES'' sir, '''FUCK OFF, SIR!!!'''
--> Clickety-click. Clickety FUCKING CLICK! Fucking Scheiße!
* Nearly all of the StopPokingMe lines each unit has. To give some examples:
-->Gunner! [[TheFourthWallWillNotProtectYou Point the turret up at that camera in the sky!]]
-->[[BreakingTheFourthWall Go back to the main menu]], [[EasyModeMockery and try out the tutorial]].
--> No! I will not take my clothes off if you keep clicking.
* Airborne Paratroopers take it UpToEleven, especially if you poke them in the middle of a battle.
--> AIRBORNE! Wanna go blow up HQ!?
--> You click me one more time and I will [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] smoke you.
--> DOES YOUR MAMA KNOW YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!?
* Ordering infantry ''without'' anti armor weapons to attack armored vehicles tends to give some hilarious WhatTheHellPlayer responses.
-->'''American Infantryman:''' [[LeeroyJenkins Those tanks aren't so scary!]] (Quickly whispers to player) [[WhatTheHellPlayer Sir, are you fucking drunk?]]
-->'''German Sniper:''' ([[DeadpanSnarker Utterly Deadpan)]] [[GratuitousGerman Jawohl]]. [[WhatAnIdiot Attacking their armor... with my rifle]].
* A cut scene in the second mission of the original campaign has this amusing conversation between a Wehrmacht Grenadier and his squad mate.
-->'''Squad leader:''' Hans, your coffee sucks. I'm not drinking this crap!
-->'''Hans:''' I'm not your mother you asshole, make your own goddamned coffee!
* Some of the Volksgrenadier quotes in battle are quite hilarious, with the squad leader bemoaning the [[SurroundedByIdiots sheer incompetence of his squad.]]
-->'''Squad Leader while in combat:''' Volksgrenadiers, God damn it! Try '''ACTUALLY''' aiming!
-->'''Squad Leader, again in combat''' Volks, for the love of God, stop embarrassing yourselves!
** The Germans in general are hilarious.
-->Reinhard? Fart into the radio!\\
Yes sir! *pptht*
-->Panzerschreck! Time to UNPIMP HIS RIDE!
-->(in a calm jovial tone) First class battle taxi. Driver! A reichsmark extra if you turn around and head for fucking Germany.
-->You think you get a tip for dropping us off in combat?!
* The description of ''Gilroy's Harbor'', a skirmish/multiplayer map.
--> The residents of Oye swore they would rename their small harbor in honor of the first Allied soldier to liberate them. Lucky for them, [[WhatCouldHaveBeen Private Gilroy was one step ahead of]] [[UnfortunateNames Corporal Butts]].
* American infantrymen sometime complain if you order them to build sandbags or deploy barbed wire.
-->'''Soldier''': [[NotWhatISignedUpFor I didn't come all the way to Europe to do this.]]
-->'''Soldier''': Sandbags completed, if I see one more bag of [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] dirt...

!''Company of Heroes 2''
* Here's a collection of [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MaF_dkuGLjE funny quotes]].
* When infantry squads get wiped out, your announcer will tell you that. While that happens playing as the Russians, he'll sometimes say so... [[{{Beat}} and add a second later]] [[NoSympathy that their clothes and weapons belong to the State]].
** If infantry freeze to death while playing as the Russians, you may hear the announcer complain that if your troops freeze to death, [[WeHaveReserves they cannot die fighting the enemy]], pretty much in those exact words.
** When you upgrade the Russian headquarters to have medics around it, the announcer will occasionally have his announcement accompanied by stressing "... but only for those who are ''seriously'' wounded!"
* Selecting a Conscript squad on a winter map occasionally has them respond "... I think I have snow in my pants." said quietly, as if you've interrupted him talking to himself or his squadmates.
* The tutorial video narrator delivers this gem in the Cover and Flanking Tutorial video:
-->You will undoubtedly hear [[ClusterFBomb a lot of F-words]] on the battlefield, but the most important one is '''Flank'''.
* What a Grenadier squad may say when they get promoted:
-->I know we have been promoted, but does that include a pay raise?
* German mortars crews can respond to being promoted with "Apparently, we've been promoted!", doing a LampshadeHanging of how rather video game-y the veterancy system is in relation to indirect fire squads that (ideally) avoid ever personally seeing the enemy.
** The American Lieutenant from ''The Western Front Armies'' similarly frequently says dialogue with a tone of annoyance on how he's being notified of being promoted while he's, of course, in the middle of a fight.
* Ordering a Pak 40 crew to move may have its squad leader yell out:
-->We [[EatTheDog ate the horse]], remember? Get pulling!
* German idle chatter occasionally mentions that the Americans keep complaining about Pioneer spam, an infamous multiplayer strategy in the first game.
** Another piece of German chatter comes from one of them mentioning that [[CallBack Hans has been transferred to France... and how glad they are that means they don't have to deal with his coffee.]]
* Grenadier squads ordered to attack-move can say:
-->Fire at will, '''but not at Wilhelm''', he owes me money.
* One of the OhCrap lines from a Soviet Conscript facing a [[PyroManiac Flamethrower]] is "'''[[OhNoNotAgain I'm getting TIRED of this SHIT!!!]]'''" Makes you wonder how many times he had faced a flamethrower before being recruited into your army.
** Likewise, when being shot at [[MoreDakka by a machine gun]], he may scream:
-->"[[PunctuatedForEmphasis I.]] ''[[ItsXIHateX Hate!]] '''[[SkywardScream MACHINE GUUUUUUUUUUUNS!!!]]'''''"
* When destroyed, the commander of the Russian Scout Car may express regret for having been the FragileSpeedster of the Red Army.
-->I should have been a tankist!
* It turns out that the Commissar which appears at your headquarters while Order 227 is active is aptly named 'commissar_of_death_227_mp' in the game's code.
* Ordering Panzergrenadiers with Panzerschrecks into a building causes a hilarious inversion of ReadTheFreakingManual:
-->I KNOW it's technically impossible to shoot a Panzerschreck from an enclosed position. '''''[[SuddenlyShouting Don't read the]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] [[SuddenlyShouting manual next time]]'', [[NoSympathy and you won't care so much!!]]'''
* A lot of the battle chatter from the Wehrmacht units can be quite chuckle worthy.
-->Machine gun has us pinned! Any lower and I'm going to be fucking this ground!
-->(after scoring a kill) We've gave them the chance to surrender!... did we?
-->Antitank gun is firing! ({{Beat}}) ''Hey assholes!, we're Panzer GRENADIERS! Not PANZERS!''
-->I suppose if they are very lucky they can give us a headache with that HE Rifle!
* One random bit of German infantry chatter has him sum up the Hell of the Eastern Front with a simple, elegant poem.
--> [[RosesAreRed Roses are red, Violets are blue.]] ''I'm stuck on the Eastern Front...'' '''[[SuddenlyShouting AND SO ARE]] [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]] ''YOU!!!'''''
** This line was actually made up by one of their players ([=HelpingHans=]), and Relic Entertainment clearly decided they had to put it in the game.
* ''2'' also continues the tradition of having hilarious chatter for the German troops.
-->He chewed me out for not saluting, but I had my hands full. I thought he was being a real prick...
-->The regimental doctor inspected the battalion and found that everyone had The Clap. Even Reinhardt, [[BeyondTheImpossible and I'm pretty sure he's a virgin]].
-->Ostfront, fucking hell. I'll give anything to fight the Westerners. Those Americans are always [[TakeThat complaining about Pioneer spam]].
-->When the T-34 first appeared, it was very intimidating, and then we realized the Soviets couldn't shoot or drive for shit.
-->For two hours they shelled us with artillery, and not with the little shit either. No, I'm talking the big stuff, 152s and 203s. My balls still haven't came back down.
-->We shot at that T-34 57 times with that little 37mm, '''57''' times, and they still couldn't find us! They finally surrendered, I guess they got a headache and gave up.
-->WE SHOULD ALL HAVE STURMGEWEHRS!! Er, '''[[MemeticMutation YOU GET A STURMGEWEHR, YOU GET A STURMGEWEHR,]] ''[[OprahWinfrey EVERYONE GETS STURMGEWEHRS!!!]]'''''
-->[[ViolationOfCommonSense You want us to attack an Elefant!?]] ({{Beat}}) Jahowl!
-->'''HEAVY PANZER UNDER INFANTRY ATTACK!!!''' ({{Beat}}) '''WHY AM I SHOUTING THIS!?'''
* The Russian units also have some funny lines:
-->I told mama I would see Elefants, Tigers, and Panthers. She thought I was visiting Moscow zoo.
-->No, I'm not defending German technical superiority, ''I'm stating the '''fucking''' obvious!''
-->Industrialization, that is the only reason we are still in this war... And my balls... My BIG BALLS!
-->Have you actually [[SuddenlyShouting HIT ANYTHING WITH THAT MORTAR?!]]
-->Flamethrower idiot! It '''throws flames''', ''USE IT!''
-->You have an anti-tank rifle; over ''there'', is a ''tank!'' [[SuddenlyShouting FIGURE IT OUT!]]
-->I am missing a biscuit! ({{Beat}}) ''STEALING'' IS ''NOT'' THE SOVIET WAY, COMRADES!
-->Katyusha. They call it "Stalin's Organ". ({{Beat}}) ''[[IThoughtItMeant No, a musical organ! Idiot!]]''
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQSSrbto9hQ Osttruppen]], who verbally embodies being the ChewToy when it comes to the battlefield. [[WhatTheHellPlayer Particularly if it's ordered to attack an armored target...]]
-->They want us to attack that Sturmpanzer. ({{Beat}}) [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer No, I'm serious! A STURMPANZER.]]
-->Sweet JESUS!! [[ViolationOfCommonSense You want us to attack an ''ELEFANT?!'']]
-->An Elefant... ({{Beat}}) ''[[ItHasBeenAnHonor It was good knowing you, my friends...]]''
-->KILL THAT TIGER!!! ...''Somehow!''
-->An Elefant! Shoot at the big fucker!
* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zze3ix7Wp6o One of the trailers]] for the upcoming ''The British Forces'' expansion shows off the [[MightyGlacier Churchill tank]]. At the end, a Churchill is seen parked next to a German squad [[NoSell fruitlessly emptying their rifles at it]], at which point:
-->'Ave a grenade, ya cheeky buggers!
-->''*The turret hatch opens and a grenade flies out, obliterating the attacking squad*''
-->That'll teach ya to keep away!
-->''*Churchill casually drives off*''