They're Bujold novels, so even in the middle of horrible circumstances someone is bound to make a wise crack.
!!''The Curse of Chalion''
* Dondo dy Jironal's funeral. The Daughter of Spring made it clear [[SarcasmMode how well he served her]] as the Holy General of her order (it involved bird excrement), and it went downhill from there.
* "Rise and ride, Captain Sunshine!"
* The gods' way of informing Palli he is ''not'' to be Iselle's ambassador: "Pray for guidance, you said. I've had nightmares about travelling all night. In the last one, my horses ate me."
* Iselle cuts through Caz's objection to her betrothing her twenty year old lady-in-waiting to a broken-down greybeard such as himself thus:
-->"I'm not sacrificing her to you as a reward for your loyalty. I'm bestowing you on her as a reward for ''her'' loyalty. So there."
** And when he tries to point out that he is also [[UnableToSupportAWife just plain broke]].
--->"I plan to make the chancellorship a salaried position."
--->"As the Fox has done in Ibra? Very wise, Royina... [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Who shall you appoint to replace [dy Jironal]?]] I have a few ideas-"
* After being [[spoiler: run through the belly with the Chancellor's sword]], Cazaril calmly asks to see Betriz before they remove it.
--> "You can't just sit there with [[spoiler: a sword in your gut]]!"
--> (reasonably) "Well, I surely cannot ''move.''"
* Umegat discussing attempts at faking Death Miracles.
--> "We uncovered quite a number of ingenious fakes — usually poison, though the, ah, dimmer murderers sometimes tried cruder methods. I had to explain to them that the Bastard does not ever execute unrepentant sinners with a dirk, nor a large hammer."
!!''Paladin Of Souls''
* Liss' complete inability to do a Lady's hair properly, but when prompted she rattles off a dozen ways to do up a horse's mane.
* Having just been rescued after two days and a hundred miles of uncomfortable captivity, Ista has some simple requests:
--> '''Ista''': I want... a piece of bread and a bedroll.
--> '''Ferda''': This rough camp is no place for your repose -
--> '''Ista''': Any bread. Any bedroll.
--> '''Ferda''': There may be some women I can find for your attendants, but they are not what you are used to -
--> '''Ista''': Your bedroll would do.
--> '''Ferda''': Royina, I -
--> '''Ista''': If you do not give me a bedroll at once, I am going to sit down on the ground right here and start to cry. Now.
* "I do not have the energy to stand up, or get to my feet for that matter."
!!''The Hallowed Hunt''
* One of Prince Boleso's retainers calls Learned Hallana, a sorceress-divine of the Bastard, a "fat sow." Her response? She spells him to make him think he himself is a pig. Ingrey's retainer is at a loss, while Ingrey finds it hilarious:
--> “My lord, what should we do with him?”
--> “Watch over him. See he comes to no harm till his lesson passes off.”
--> “Yes, my lord. Um... anything else?”
--> “You could feed him some bran mash.”
* The litany of disasters Desdemona unleashes on Rusillin and Clee, including setting their hair on fire, having their trousers drop around their ankles after their belts unbuckle, culminating in their rowboat disintegrating underneath them as they try to chase Penric out into the lake, while behind them their castle catches fire.
--> '''Narration:''' At that point, it was really ''redundant'' for Rusillin's oar blade to snap off as he dug it into the water.
!!''Penric and the Shaman''
* The seminary joke about the Son's harvest of souls including those whose last words were "Ho, lads! Hold my ale and watch this!"
-->'''Inglis:''' That would be funnier if it weren't so true
-->'''Penric:''' If it were not true, it wouldn't be funny at all