They're Bujold novels, so even in the middle of horrible circumstances someone is bound to make a wise crack.
!!''The Curse of Chalion''
* Dondo dy Journal's funeral. The Daughter of Spring made it clear [[SarcasmMode how well he served her]] as the Holy General of her order (it involved bird excrement), and it went downhill from there.
* "Rise and ride, Captain Sunshine!"
* The gods' way of informing Palli he is ''not'' to be Iselle's ambassador: "Pray for guidance, you said. I've had nightmares about travelling all night. In the last one, my horses ate me."
* Iselle cuts through Caz's objection to her betrothing her twenty year old lady-in-waiting to a broken-down greybeard such as himself thus:
-->"I'm not sacrificing her to you as a reward for your loyalty. I'm bestowing you on her as a reward for ''her'' loyalty. So there."
** And when he tries to point out that he is also [[UnableToSupportAWife just plain broke]].
--->"I plan to make the chancellorship a salaried position."
--->"As the Fox has done in Ibra? Very wise, Royina... [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Who shall you appoint to replace (dy Journal)]]? I have a few ideas-"
* After being [[spoiler: run through the belly with the Chancellor's sword]], Cazaril calmly asks to see Betriz before they remove it.
--> "You can't just sit there with [[spoiler: a sword in your gut]]!"
--> (reasonably) "Well, I surely cannot ''move.''"
* Umegat discussing attempts at faking Death Miracles.
--> "We uncovered quite a number of ingenious fakes — usually poison, though the, ah, dimmer murderers sometimes tried cruder methods. I had to explain to them that the Bastard does not ever execute unrepentant sinners with a dirk, nor a large hammer."
!!''Paladin Of Souls''
* Liss' complete inability to do a Lady's hair properly, but when prompted she rattles off a dozen ways to do up a horse's mane.
* Having just been rescued after two days and a hundred miles of uncomfortable captivity, Ista has some simple requests:
--> '''Ista''': I want... a piece of bread and a bedroll.
--> '''Ferda''': This rough camp is no place for your repose -
--> '''Ista''': Any bread. Any bedroll.
--> '''Ferda''': There may be some women I can find for your attendants, but they are not what you are used to -
--> '''Ista''': Your bedroll would do.
--> '''Ferda''': Royina, I -
--> '''Ista''': If you do not give me a bedroll at once, I am going to sit down on the ground right here and start to cry. Now.
* "I do not have the energy to stand up, or get to my feet for that matter."
!!''The Hallowed Hunt''
* One of Prince Boleso's retainers calls Learned Hallana, a sorceress-divine of the Bastard, a "fat sow." Her response? She spells him to make him think he himself is a pig. Ingrey's retainer is at a loss, while Ingrey finds it hilarious:
--> “My lord, what should we do with him?”
--> “Watch over him. See he comes to no harm till his lesson passes off.”
--> “Yes, my lord. Um... anything else?”
--> “You could feed him some bran mash.”