* '''[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGWZcJrAw-I&feature=related Lesbian.]]'''
* Claire in her first episode to Alan:
--> I know who you are. You are a horny little toad. Toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.
* Alan's word salad. Especially funny because the inflection is spot-on--it ''sounds'' like he's just swapped all the phonemes in a perfectly legitimate sentence.
-->'''Alan Shore''': Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't mailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. ''[sits down, spent and furious, then nonchalantly looks up]'' What?
* Also Alan and Denny's wrestling match over Shirley.
* In the first season, Alan is punched in the face defending Tara from a man who can't take no for an answer. His response? He pays off a bunch of "big people" to start a bar brawl. [[http://fliiby.com/file/631467/5buakm77yt.html Watch the madness here]].
* WAR! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?!
-->'''Malcolm''': This is why I went to law school.
** GOOD GOD, Y'ALL!
* Season 2, Episode 4 was primarily remembered for being the episode that Catherine Piper was tried for murdering a murderer. The sub-plot, however, climaxed with Denny giving a closing argument supporting the Second Amendment. In the span of one closing, Shirley and Denise give at ''least'' four [[FacePalm Face Palms]].
* Alan Shore to an odious, faux-folksy Texas credit card company lawyer.
--> "You know, we have a little saying in Massachusetts: 'Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die.' Until then!"
* Denny trying to get out of a date with Bethany, a Jewish dwarf:
--> "That's another thing! ''(taps his head)'' Mad Cow! 's not kosher!"
** And later he and Alan are discussing the date:
-->'''Denny''': God, I hope she doesn't put a hex on me. Can they do that? Midgets?
-->'''Alan''': What was she like, otherwise?
-->'''Denny''': Attractive head, nice breasts, that was basically it. Breasts and a head.
-->'''Alan:''': How did you leave it?
-->'''Denny''': I just left. I didn't know what else to do, I just walked out!
-->'''Alan''': Do you think it's possible she could've...followed you here?
-->'''Denny''': I don't...think so, why?
-->''[He looks down. Denny looks down. Bethany is standing between them, looking up at him.''
** Bethany managing to sneak up on Denny (or Denny epically failing a spot check) then becomes a RunningGag, with Bethany managing to sneak up on him at times and in locations where he really should have seen her before managing to put his foot in his mouth.
* A woman Denny recently had sex with says that something is "better than sex," prompting Denny to freak out:
-->'''Denny''': ''[taps his head with remote]'' Mad Cow. It hasn't progressed in my brain, but there are other symptoms. Be it blood pressure...it affects me.
-->'''Alan:''' ''[concerned]'' Affects you how?
-->''[Denny gives Alan a thoughtful look, stands up, puts his hands on his desk, and leans forward]''
-->'''Denny''': I think I have Mad Penis.
-->''[Alan slowly looks down toward Denny's crotch as the opening titles begin]''
* Jerry Espenson singing along to the theme song, complete with clips of him dancing and Shirley's absolutely bewildered reaction interspersed with the actual credits.
* "A man's home is where his heart is. In my case, the penis." Thus spake Denny.
* Whenever there is press in the court, Denny Crane always gives the media his name and a borrowed slogan.
--> Denny Crane. Fair and balanced.
--> Denny Crane. My poop doesn't smell.
--> Denny Crane. My puffs are the most cheesy.
--> Denny Crane. Ten cents a dance.
* The new [[spoiler: Chinese]] overlord of Crane, Poole & Schmidt [[spoiler: enjoying a cigar and glass of whiskey with a friend]] in the finale.