* A little dark if you're watching it with your grandpa or grandma, but the scene with Sonny and Vanessa ''discussing'' her new much-older boyfriend.
--> '''Vanessa''': He has a five-year plan.
--> '''Sonny''': What is it? "Don't die"?
** [[DisapprovingLook Sid's reaction to that.]]
** This dialogue:
-->'''Sid:''' You know, you remind me of my grandson. [[DidntThinkThisThrough He didn't think things through]].\\
'''Sonny:''' Hey, Old Man River, zip it or I'll break your hip!\\
'''Sid:''' ''(whispers to Vanessa)'' I like to see him try.\\
'''Vanessa:''' ''(whispers back)'' Shut up, Sid.
** "I know you'll be missing me when you got that old white, wrinkly body on top of you, with his... loose skin and old... ''balls''... gross!"
** Later, he makes a remark about how his ex "is banging the Pepperidge Farm guy".
* The fact that poor little Julian has to take a leak about every five mintues.
--> '''Sonny''': ''(to a couple of old ladies watching Julian pee)'' What's your name? He'll write it on the wall. Mind your business!
* When Sonny steps on Julian's Scuba Steve doll.
--> '''Sonny''': Owwww! Scuba Steve! Damn you!
* When Julian and Nazo, the Delivery Guy are learning how to read.
--> '''Julian''': Electricity. Constitution. Philadelphia.
--> '''Nazo''': Fish. Pony. ''(when trying to read the word Hippopotamus)'' ...Hip? Hip hop? Hip hop anonymous? ''(Sonny just stares at him)'' Damn you! You gave him the easy ones!
* Mr. Herlihy is a cross between this, and being a complete and total ass. He also makes a lousy character witness.
--> '''Mr. Herlihy''': Koufax is a good egg. He was nice to that kid. But he fights like a girl. You like that? I'm right here, miss. What are you gonna do about it? Ha-ha-ha.
--> '''Sonny''': What, are you drunk, Mr. Herlihy?
--> '''Mr. Herlihy''': Well, I-I had a few Chardonnays. What of it?
--> '''Sonny''': Get off the stand, please.
** This description of him.
--> '''Sonny''' ''(to Julian)'' He drinks a lot of soda.
* Julian's kindergarten teacher gets one of the best lines.
** "One of the children wore rollerblades for show and tell, and Julian ''tripped him'' with a ''stick''!"
** She's also concerned about Julian's bathing habits.
--> '''Sonny''': [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone I let him become the smelly kid in class? What the hell's the matter with me?]]
--> '''Teacher''': [[SeriousBusiness I've had some smelly kids in the past]], but your son is ''by far'' the smelliest.
* "I watched ''WesternAnimation/{{Fantasia}}'' a lot. And one day it just clicked."
* Sonny tries to order breakfast at [=McDonald=]'s, past 10:30, when breakfast is no longer served.
-->'''Cashier''': Hi. Welcome to [=McDonald's=]. What can I get for you?
-->'''Sonny''': ''(to Julian)'' Okay, what do you want?
-->'''Julian''': Cheerios.
-->'''Sonny''': Cheerios? They don't have Cheerios. What else do you want?
-->'''Julian''': Lasagna.
-->'''Sonny''': Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? ''(to cashier)'' Uh, we'll take hot cakes and sausage.
-->'''Cashier''': Uh, sorry, sir, but we've stopped serving breakfast.
-->'''Sonny''': What? What are you talking about? We're 4 seconds late!
-->'''Cashier:''' No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.
-->'''Sonny:''' AW, HORSESHIT! [[note]]"OH NO!" in television broadcasts[[/note]]
-->''(A random customer is startled by this. Julian cries)''
-->'''Sonny:''' I wasn't cursing at you, I was cursing at the lady.
-->''(The cashier is feeling awkward right now)''
-->'''Another [=McDonald's=] customer''': Nice parenting.
-->'''Sonny''': Thanks. What are you, my therapist? ''(takes customer's fries and throws them over his back)'' Take a walk! ''(to Julian)'' Do you want one of those Happy Meals? Do you want me to get you a Happy Meal? ''(Julian screams)'' WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!
* The random goth dude:
-->'''Sonny''': You're mad at your dad, not at me. I forgive you!\\
'''Goth''' ''(walking away and sobbing quietly)'': I am, I am. I hate my father.
* When Sonny decides to adopt Julian:
-->'''Tommy Grayton''' ''(sitting beside his boyfriend)'': Way to sleep on it, pal!
-->'''Sonny''': Hey! You two wanna get married? I support that, leave me alone.
* Sonny's reaction to the kangaroo song video.
--> '''Sonny''': [[YouHaveGOTToBeKiddingMe I can't take this shit, are you serious]]?
* Sonny pats the passed-out Nazo in the groin. And a few scenes down the montage, he's ''still'' passed out.
* Kevin's BigDamnHeroes moment is a bit undercut when he first arrives at Sonny's trial. "I'm sorry, am I in the right room?"
* When Sonny gives Julian a slingshot, telling him to go have fun and shoot a few beer cans.
A short time later Julian excitedly wants to show Sonny something, and Sonny's obliges, only to have a look of horror when he sees a rooftop full of dead pigeons.