* This exchange:
--> "Why can't I just have a normal boyfriend?!"
-->"Everyone wants that, dear. It doesn't exist."
* "How do you write women so well?" "I think of a man. And I take away reason and accountability."
** Made twice as funny when you take into account that this was an actual reply from John Updike when he was asked the same question.
* Simon's dead-on Jack Nicholson impression.
* Melvin stealing Frank's ScaryBlackMan routine when dealing with a cop. While Frank is [[ImStandingRightHere less than twenty feet up the hallway,]] and [[ActuallyPrettyFunny grinning as he watches.]]
* Spencer gives the doctor who visits glowing praise. "[[LittlestCancerPatient I'm an expert on doctors!]]"
* "You are not still writing that thank you letter!" "I'm on the last page!"
* Melvin introducing Carol to Simon: "Carol the waitress, Simon the fag." Not to mention Carol and Simon both taking it in stride.
* Melvin confronting Simon after his disastrous date with Carol; "Did you have sex with her?" Carol enters, ignoring Melvin as she discusses taking the hotel's complimentary soap and other supplies. Melvin looks taken aback; "Sorry. Didn't realise she was still here. (to Simon) DID YOU HAVE SEX WITH HER?!"
* Early in the film, Carol's disastrous date; the guy lays her down on a couch and begins to ''tongue her forehead'' in a manner seemingly meant to be erotic, but instead causes her to ''burst out laughing''; after Carol cleans up a minor health incident for her son, they then try to resume only for her date to get kid-puke on his hand trying to grope her.
* This exchange, when Carol, Melvin, and Simon have pulled over after Simon tells Carol about his DarkAndTroubledPast, to Melvin's annoyance:
-->'''Carol:''' We all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-\\
'''Melvin:''' That's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories, that take place at lakes, with boats and friends and noodle salad, just no one in this car.
* '''[[SuddenlyShouting "SHUT UP KIDS!"]]'''