[[quoteright:300:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Wild_Wild_West_5722.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:300:It's a whole new west, alright.]]

->'''Artemis Gordon:''' So, what does Loveless have? ''(notices factory complex)'' Well... he has his own city.\\
''(out of nowhere a giant mechanical spider shows up)''\\
'''Jim West:''' He has an 80-foot tarantula.\\
'''Artemis Gordon:''' Yes, well... I was coming to that.

'''''Wild Wild West''''' is a 1999 CattlePunk comedy film starring Creator/WillSmith, Creator/KevinKline, Creator/KennethBranagh, and Creator/SalmaHayek. It is TheFilmOfTheSeries of ''Series/TheWildWildWest''-- [[InNameOnly technically]].

The plot, taking place during the presidency of Ulysses S. Grant, concerns government agents Jim West and Artemus Gordon attempting to prevent a renewal of the Civil War by amputee Southern Scientist Dr. Arliss Loveless and his giant mechanical spider. [[MST3KMantra Just roll with it]].

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!!Provides Examples Of:

* ActingForTwo: Kevin Kline as both Gordon and President Grant, including instances of TalkingToHimself. Then there's the scenes where Gordon impersonates Grant and [[MindScrew this gets really weird]].
* AllThereInTheManual: The novelization explains how Jim West survived the 80 foot fall.
* AnachronismStew: Jim West's use of modern slang, such as "boobies" and "booty".
* AndThenISaid: Artemus, while discussing Rita Escobar.
* AndStarring: In one theatrical poster: "And Kenneth Branagh."
* ArmedLegs: Jim West's blade-equipped shoes
* ArtisticLicensePhysics: Pretty blatant with the collar trap device. First, it easily detects when someone steps over the copper "fence" - even without actually touching it. Then the trap neck braces have some truly inconsistent magnetism (the braces only attract themselves after Gordon hits them with a stone, the buzz saws they're attracting rarely go in a straight line...) and the saws more or less have infinite angular momentum, mowing their way through entire cornfields without losing a bit of spin. Plus they [[MadeOfExplodium explode when they run into each other!]]
* BatmanColdOpen: Jim West and Artemus Gordon vs. General [=McGrath=] in the saloon... at least, that's how it was written in [[AllThereInTheScript the script.]]
-->'''President Grant:''' Gordon, quit dancing around and get over here!
* BellyDancer: Jim West as "Ebonia", in a last ditch attempt to stall the meeting of [[spoiler:Dr. Loveless and America's enemies and kill Loveless.]]
* BetweenMyLegs: Jim West's legs, as he's standing naked in front of three men after falling out of a water tank.
* BlackVikings: Jim West as a U.S. Army captain in 1869. Noted to be highly unusual.
* BladeBelowTheShoulder: A {{mook}} has swords that snap out of his wrists.
* BodyguardBabes: Amazonia, Munitia, Miss Lippenrieder and Miss East.
* BondVillainStupidity: After Loveless captures West and Gordon, he fits their necks with the blade-attracting magnets that the professor in the opening was also killed with. Then he leaves before ensuring their demise.
** [[AustinPowers He just assumed it would all go to plan. What?!]]
* BrainsAndBondage: Holy ''crap'', look at the rig in Loveless' bedroom! [[CompensatingForSomething Then again...]]
* BriarPatching
** Subverted. Artemus attempts to have Dr. Loveless capture him, dressed as Ulysses S. Grant, to lure him away from the real Ulysses. Loveless takes them both.
** Also, when Artemus is caught and about to be executed, he begs to be "shot in my heart, which has loved this country so much" because he is wearing his prototype for a bullet proof vest. Unfortunately, it doesn't work.
-->'''Loveless''': [[DangerouslyGenreSavvy Shoot him in the head.]]
-->'''Artemus''': ''Damn.''
* BrickJoke: West and Loveless continue their VolleyingInsults near the end.
* BulletProofVest: Gordon's Impermeable.
* ButHeSoundsHandsome: While impersonating President Grant, Gordon spends much of his time praising himself.
* TheButcher: General "Bloodbath" [=McGrath=] is also "The Butcher of New Liberty".
* CatapultNightmare: West flinging himself up from a bad dream in the "Wild Wild West" music video.
* ChekhovsGun
** All of Gordon's inventions.
** The spider and the wasp.
** Loveless' magnet collars.
* CompositeCharacter: The film version of Loveless is a MadScientist like his TV counterpart, but his backstory (a Confederate veteran embittered by being crippled in the war) is taken straight from another villain, Colonel Vautrain. (His {{Steampunk}} wheelchair also looks an awful lot like the one used by Mr. Braine.)
* CoolOldGuy: President Grant, as [[SnarkToSnarkCombat exemplified]] [[CasualDangerDialogue here]].
-->'''Loveless:''' Well now isn't this a coincidence? I'm out for a little morning ride and right in the middle of nowhere I bump into General Ulysses S. Grant himself! We've never been formally introduced, I'm Doctor Arliss Loveless, formerly of the Confederate Army. \\
'''Grant:''' Yes, Doctor Loveless. That's a fine-looking spider you've got there...what can I do for you today? \\
'''Loveless:''' I have a humble abode nearby, I hope you'll accept my hospitality. I have a little proposition to make. \\
'''Grant:''' What proposition is that? \\
'''Loveless:''' The immediate and unconditional surrender of the United States of America to ''the Loveless Alliance''! \\
'''Grant:''' I didn't realize we were at war. You have me at somewhat of a disadvantage. I didn't bring my ''flyswatter''.
* CoolTrain
** The Wanderer, used by West and Gordon.
** Loveless' beats it. An armed, armored doodlebug (powered car) with both a slot for his War Wagon and ''spider legs''.
* CosmopolitanCouncil: Dr. Loveless' foreign backers
* CowboyCop: Jim West
* CreatorBacklash: Will Smith ''apologized'' for his role in the movie.
* {{Cyborg}}: Loveless and some of his {{Mooks}} are steampunk cyborgs.
* DanceBattler: Gordon shows off some balletic moves while fighting Loveless' ladies.
* DangerouslyGenreSavvy
** When Artemus is about to be shot, he's fortunately wearing body armor and demands that he be shot "...in the heart that loves this country so much." Loveless's response? "Shoot him in the head."
** When Loveless tries to kidnap President Grant, Gordon shows up disguised as the president so Loveless will let the real one go and take him instead. [[TakeAThirdOption Instead he takes both men]].
* DeadlyDisc: Dr. Loveless' machine that fires high speed homing saw blades.
* DeadpanSnarker: Will Smith as Jim West and Kevin Kline as Artemus Gordon.
* DemotedToDragon: We find this out about Bloodbath [=McGrath=], when he is [[spoiler:killed by the real BigBad.]]
* DiabolicalMastermind: Dr. Loveless.
* DiabolusExMachina: When Rita Escobar turns out to be Professor Escobar's [[spoiler:wife, disappointing the two men in their quest for love.]]
* DisguisedInDrag: Artie as "Dora" at Fat-Can Candy's Saloon near the film's beginning.
* DisneyDeath: West, who [[spoiler:takes a point-blank gunshot to the chest but survives thanks to Gordon's "Impermeable".]]
* DisneyVillainDeath: [[spoiler:Dr. Loveless]] and nearly all of his henchmen and women towards the ending.
* DistressedDamsel: Rita Escobar
* DividedStatesOfAmerica: Dr. Loveless's plan for the U.S. It seems he didn't love the South quite enough to not see it handed over to foreign powers as well.
* DragonLady: Miss East
* DramaticGunCock: See EnhancedInterrogationTechniques below.
* EarnYourTitle: General "Bloodbath" [=McGrath=], AKA "TheButcher of New Liberty".
* EarTrumpet: General [=McGrath=] has one, tipping out accumulated ear wax at one point for disgusting effect.
* EnhancedInterrogationTechniques: Jim West uses a DramaticGunCock on "President Grant".
* EvenEvilHasStandards: General "Bloodbath" [=McGrath=] is hardly a pleasant man, [[spoiler: but he is haunted and horrified by Dr. Loveless's murderous inventions and his willingness to test them on human subjects.]]
* EvilCripple: Dr. Loveless
* ExactlyWhatIAimedAt
-->'''Loveless''': "After all that, you missed?"\\
'''Gordon''': "Actually I didn't."
* EyeRemember: Retinal Terminus Theory
* FakeBoobs: Artemus Gordon has some.
* FauxAffablyEvil: Dr. Loveless acts polite and well-mannered, but it barely hides the mind of an AxCrazy psychopath.
-->"By the way, I'll be seeing President Grant soon at Promontory Point. What should I tell him for you? I'm afraid it can't be that you're ''alive'' and ''well''!" *EvilLaugh*
* FemmeFatale: Miss East.
* TheFilmOfTheSeries
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%%Having five-ish characters on each side doesn't make them Five___Bands. Read the edit reasons, and take it to discussion if you want to defend it, don't just re-add it here.
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* FreudianSlipperySlope: "I ''told'' you she'd be a distraction." See the [[Funny/WildWildWest Funny Moments entry]].
* FunnyBruceLeeNoises: Artemus Gordon, while performing his Karate Kid impersonation.
* GadgeteerGenius: Artemus Gordon and Dr. Loveless.
* GagBoobs: Gordon's woman suit has those. So does a woman whom West confuses for him in drag. The latter leads to a hilarious party foul that the Southerners try to lynch West over.
* GeniusCripple: Dr. Loveless
* GiantSpider: See SpiderTank below.
* GoodOldFisticuffs
* UsefulNotes/UlyssesSGrant: The president in charge. Artemus disguises himself as Grant twice. Ironically, according to some historians, this film is actually one of the more dignified portrays of Grant on film, showing him as a tough, calm, and collected leader as he was in RealLife. Most film portrayals have either exacerbated his reputation for drunkenness or have thrown Grant into the background.
* GroinAttack: Jim West to two of Loveless' {{mooks}} on the giant spider's engine deck. Also [[BallsOfSteel subverted]].
* HalfTheManHeUsedToBe: Occurs in Dr. Loveless' BackStory, but he survives.
* HandOrObjectUnderwear: West's hat.
* HurricaneOfPuns: Jim West's and Dr. Loveless' VolleyingInsults.
* ISurrenderSuckers: Jim West to Loveless' cyber {{mook}}.
* IKnowKarate: A {{mook}} tries this on Jim West. [[SugarWiki/FunnyMoments And then proceeds to get a shovel in the face.]]
* IdenticalStranger: Artemus Gordon looks like President Grant without the beard.
* InJoke: The "DO NOT PUSH" train button is an obvious nod to Sonnefeld's previous venture, ''Film/MenInBlack''.
* InNameOnly: [[Series/TheWildWildWest The original show]] was a merging of TheWestern with the SpyDrama. It didn't really have much SteamPunk elements, just some technology that would have been high-tech for the time period. The movie ran with SteamPunk and the specific Film/JamesBond-style "save the world" spy escapades. The show didn't have anything like the SpiderTank or the magnetic collars, which makes it a very stark contrast going between the two.
** According to ''Website/{{Cracked}}'', the premise of the ''Wild Wild West'' movie is based on a ''WesternAnimation/BatmanTheAnimatedSeries'' episode that originally starred ComicBook/JonahHex. It isn't exactly known how it became a ''Wild Wild West'' story.
* InsufferableGenius: Gordon.
* InterrogatingTheDead
-->'''West:''' ''That's a man's head...''
* IntimidationDemonstration: Happens twice during Jim West's battles with Dr. Loveless' {{mooks}} inside the giant spider robot.
* InstantAwesomeJustAddMecha: The giant spider.
* ItsPersonal: West's unit was the one that found the aftermath of massacre at New Liberty, and since then he's been itching for a chance to dust the man responsible. [[spoiler: His birth parents were amongst the victims.]]
* KnockoutGas: Artemus Gordon's sleeping gas billiard balls, [[SubvertedTrope except for one]].
-->'''West''': That was ''not'' sleeping gas!
-->'''Gordon''': No, the 8-ball is an incendiary bomb.
* LargeHam [[HamAndCheese and Cheese]]: Kenneth Branagh and Kevin Kline.
* LastRequest
** Artemus, disguised as President Grant, tries to get Loveless to kidnap him instead of the real Grant in the finale. [[spoiler:It doesn't work.]]
** Done again when Loveless threatens Grant by shooting his men, starting with Gordon. Gordon, knowing he's wearing a bulletproof vest, ask that he be shot in the heart to symbolize the country he loved. Loveless, true to his name, orders him to be shot in the head.
* LeeroyJenkins: West constantly ignores Gordon's planning and runs right into battle. Only after he causes them to run for their lives and runs out of other options does he ask for Gordon to work out a plan. Gordon doesn't take it too well. (Entire speech can be seen on the Funny page.)
* LicensedGame: ''Wild Wild West: The Steel Assassin''.
* TheLoad: Rita Escobar. She forces herself on the search, is pretty much nothing more than a distraction to them on purpose, she activates a sleeping gas billiard ball when West clearly announces himself and still believes its a trap, gets herself, West and Gordon captured by Loveless.
* LovesTheSoundOfScreaming: For practical purposes, of course. Loveless makes a note to drill his gunners harder after the screams of their victims prove unsatisfactory.
* MadScientist: Dr Loveless
* MadeOfIron: Jim West falls 80 feet (5 stories) to the ground, and lands on his back. The film seems to try to justify this by Jim being knocked out and severely bruised up when he wakes but the fact still stands.He should be dead.
* MasterOfDisguise: Artemus Gordon
* MeaningfulName / PunnyName: All of Loveless' PaidHarem BodyguardBabes. Loveless himself too.
* MexicoCalledTheyWantTexasBack: "Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, [[GratuitousSpanish revolve a Mexico]]."
* MistakenForGay / NotWhatItLooksLike: The whole "touch my breast" scene.
* MisterBig: Dr Loveless
* MsFanservice
** Salma Hayek's character Rita Escobar, especially in her [[OfCorsetsSexy corset]].
** Loveless' BodyguardBabes could count as both this and FanserviceExtra.
** The girl West is skinny dipping with at the very beginning.
* TheNameIsBondJamesBond: "Mr..." "West. Jim West"
* {{Narcissist}}: Arliss Loveless. He even jokes about it.
-->'''Rita:''' [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything Not to give you a big head]], but I kinda missed you.
-->'''Loveless:''' Well isn't that a coincidence. I kinda missed me too!
* NeckLift: The last of Dr. Loveless' {{mooks}} Jim West battles inside the giant spider robot does this to him.
* NitroExpress: At the beginning of the film, Captain Jim West jumps on a wagon carrying cases of nitro (with only hay for padding) for a renegade regiment of the former Confederacy.
--> '''Jim''': ''This! Is Not! The Way! You Transport! '''Nitro!!!'''''
* NobodyHereButUsStatues: Loveless' {{mooks}} hiding in the paintings. After Miss East gives it away by looking at one, West quickly kills that mook, [[GenreSavvy and then shoots every other picture.]]
* NoodleImplements: Loveless' suite. Yikes.
* NoodleIncident: The New Liberty incident that gave General "Bloodbath" [=McGrath=] his nickname. Though it's eventually explained.
* NotWhatItLooksLike: Coleman is disturbed when he overhears Artemus and Jim touching each other's "breasts."
* OfCorsetsSexy: Pretty much every female character's costume for most of the film (except for Garcelle Beauvais, who [[SceneryCensor went without]].)
* OfficialParody
* OneBulletLeft: Artemus Gordon's derringer.
* OvercomeTheirDifferences: Jim and Artemus
* OverlyLongGag: See VolleyingInsults
* PaidHarem: Dr. Loveless' BodyguardBabes
* PayEvilUntoEvil: Jim West's insulting Dr. Loveless about his amputee status.
* PhallicWeapon: Loveless's rather phallic disc blade launcher.
* PointDefenseless: Actually ''averted'' with the Tarantula - it had ''Gatling guns'' on board, which make handy anti-aircraft weapons...
* PoliticallyCorrectHistory: Mostly averted, actually. Contrary to popular misconception, the US Army had quite a few black officers during the Civil War. Official Army records list 186,097 black soldiers, 7,122 of which were officers. How many of these achieved the rank of captain is not clear (one suspects most black officers were very junior). Even further, Jim gets himself in a ''lot'' of trouble for misbehaving at a party full of white people.
* PoliticallyIncorrectVillain: The strongly racist Dr. Loveless. Nevertheless one of his henchmen is a Native American.
* PreMortemOneLiner: "No more Mr. Knife Guy.''
* PunchPunchPunchUhOh: Jim West while fighting a cyborg mook.
* PunctuatedForEmphasis: Jim's reaction to Gordon's doctor friend. Despite the {{Squick}} factor, it may double as a Crowning Moment Of Funny.
-->'''Jim''': That... is a ''man's''... '''head'''.
* PursuedProtagonist
* QuizzicalTilt: When the dog looks at Bloodbath [=McGrath=]'s ear trumpet. Serves as a ShoutOut to [[http://www.goodlogo.com/images/logos/rca_entertainment_logo_2544.gif the RCA logo]], even [[AllThereInTheScript referred to as such in the script.]]
* RaceLift: Will Smith. There's also the issue of his dialect. No matter what race, West would not speak like he was, let's say, [[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir 1980s West Philadelphia, born and raised]]. As noted under PoliticallyCorrectHistory above, the Army did have black officers at the time, though it's uncertain if any ascended to Captain.
* RaisedByNatives: Jim West, by Native Americans.
* RantInducingSlight: Artemus Gordon after he and Jim West escape the {{Deadly Disc}}s. See the [[{{Funny/WildWildWest}} Funny Moments entry]].
* RasputinianDeath: [=McGrath=] is shot and thrown into a river before slowly bleeding to death.
* TheRemnant: The ex-Confederates Jim fights at the start of the movie.
* RescueRomance: Appears to be occurring with Jim, Artemus and Rita Escobar.
* RibbonCuttingCeremony: President Grant hammering in the Golden Spike.
* RidingIntoTheSunset: Parodied by Jim West and Artemus Gordon in the last scene.
* RuleOfThree: "That is a man's head".
* SaltAndPepper
* SayMyName:
-->'''Gordon''' ''(chuckling maniacally)'' Oh ho ho, I see. ''Now'' I'm the "[[BuffySpeak master of this mechanical stuff]]." As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless...
-->''(throws back his head and screams)''
-->[[HypocriticalHumor JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!]]
* SceneryCensor
* SceneryGorn: The scenographic town of Silverado (built for the eponymous film) was destroyed for the scene the spider tank attacks it. (''{{Silverado}}'''s director even receives a ShoutOut.)
* ShinyNewAustralia: Loveless wants most of the U.S. Northwest to retire on.
* ShootEverythingThatMoves: President Ulysses S. Grant comments: "And you West, not every situation calls for your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two".
* [[{{ShoutOut/Film}} Shout Out]]
** [[http://www.agonybooth.com/recaps/Wild_Wild_West_1999.aspx?Page=6 A scene imitates the painting on RCA's logo.]]
** That spider walker looks and sounds a lot like an AT-AT walker from Franchise/StarWars.
* SoulBrotha: Will Smith. Parodied and lampshaded on occasion, whenever Gordon suggests he act stereotypically black.
* SpidersAreScary
** [[SpiderTank The giant mechanical spider]].
** Earlier in the film, Gordon is terrified of the desert tarantula that is crawling up Jim's arm. Jim, unfazed, comments "he's just trying to get warm."
* SpiderTank: An ''eighty foot tall'' GiantSpider tank.
* SpottingTheThread: Jim determines that President Grant is really Artemis Gordon by the fact that he's wearing a Harvard class ring whereas Grant attended West Point. Though [[ButHeSoundsHandsome the fact he spent most of his time praising himself]] should have tipped him off too.
* StandInPortrait: Loveless' {{mooks}} hiding in the paintings.
* SteamPunk: The contraptions created by Dr. Loveless.
* SuperWheelChair: A SteamPunk, walking, shotgun armed, wheel chair for Dr Loveless.
* TakingYouWithMe: The end has [[spoiler:Arliss Loveless]] in a position where he could very well survive along with Jim West, but also has the option of pulling this on him, leaving him feeling genuinely conflicted about the issue.
-->''"I'm facing a very difficult problem here. On the one hand, I have [[{{Narcissist}} the overwhelming love I have for myself]]... and on the other, the raw, seething '''hatred''' that I have for you! I could kill you very easily, Mr. West, just by a-pullin' on this lever. But I would die along with you, hence my conflict."''
** West makes the choice for him, pulling the lever and sending both [[spoiler:down into a very deep chasm. Only West has the option of grabbing a chain.]]
* TapOnTheHead: Jim West to General "Bloodbath" [=McGrath=] with a punch. Played more realistically than usual since [=McGrath=] was only down for a few seconds.
* ThatMakesMeFeelAngry:
-->Dr. Loveless: I am a visionary! I am a genius! And now, I am '''angry!'''
* ThemeTuneCameo: Music/ElmerBernstein's score quotes Richard Markowitz's theme for the original show at one point (in the scene where West rides away from the train), but it's not mentioned in the end credits. Ironically, this is one of the few aspects of the film that ''is'' true to the TV series, as Markowitz was never credited with writing the theme there either (long story).[[note]]All right, here's the tale - CBS originally got Dimitri Tiomkin to write the show's theme song in hopes of getting another hit like ''Series/{{Rawhide}}'', but Michael Garrison hated the ''two'' songs that resulted because they didn't really suit the secret agent vibe the show had, and hired Richard Markowitz to come up with the western fanfare/jazzy sounding theme tune and score the pilot. Markowitz's family believed that he was denied "theme by" credit on the series as part of CBS's settlement with the more famous Tiomkin - though Markowitz ''is'' credited as such on the two TV movies.[[/note]]
* ThemeTuneRap: Sung by Will Smith. [[AndZoidberg And Sisqo!]]
* TheyFightCrime
* ThisIsAsFarAsIGo: The train's engineer, [[spoiler:and USMarshal]] Coleman
* ThisIsGonnaSuck: After Jim West activates one of Loveless' death traps.
-->'''Gordon''': ''[deadpan]'' And now we have to run.
* ThongOfShielding: Miss East
* TrailersAlwaysSpoil: The nature of Loveless' ultimate weapon is kept a secret through most of the movie, but anyone who's seen the trailers knows it's a giant steam-powered SpiderTank.
* TraintopBattle: Between James West and Loveless' Native American henchman.
* TrapDoor: On the command deck of Loveless' giant spider.
* TrashcanBonfire: The former Confederate soldiers have some at their meeting place at Malheureux Point.
* TheyFightCrime: He's a Trigger Happy black U.S. Army captain who was raised by Native Americans! He's a US Marshal who's a Master of Disguise and a Gadgeteer Genius! They Fight Crime!
* TriggerHappy: Jim West. Actually [[LampshadeHanging lampshaded]] by the President: "And you, West. Not every situation calls for your patented approach of shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, and then when everybody's dead try to ask a question or two."
* TwoPersonPoolParty: Jim and a buxom lady in a water tower
* UndersideRide: Jim West does this, using a cart designed to let him move between the train they were on, and a chase train. Unfortunately, the rope connecting him breaks.
* UniversalDriversLicense: Artemus Gordon has a Universal Pilot's License. [[JustifiedTrope Justified,]] since everything we see him driving was INVENTED by him. The only exception is the Spider Tank, which he did not invent and is seen having severe trouble with the first time he tries to steer it.
* USMarshal: Artemus Gordon. Also [[spoiler: Coleman, the train's engineer]].
* VillainOpeningScene: It starts with General [=MacGrath=] and the death of a scientist.
* VitriolicBestBuds: Gordon and West become this.
* VolleyingInsults: West and Loveless do this at every opportunity; Loveless with a racist tone and West ridiculing Loveless' lack of legs and newfound shortness.
* WardrobeMalfunction: The bottom falls out of Salma Hayek's pajamas.
* WaterTowerDown: How Jim West meets some former Confederate soldiers.
* WeCanRuleTogether: After Jim and Gordon attack Loveless' spider tank with a flying machine, they're captured. Loveless then compliments them on their ingenuity, and offers them to come work for him. West tells him to shove it.
* WhatADrag: Gordon, holding a high-powered magnet, is pulled toward a railroad track and dragged through the desert sands on the way.
* WorldOfPun
** Particularly the scenes where James West (black) and Arliss Loveless (has no legs) throw double entendre insults on each other's conditions.
--> '''Arliss''': How nice of you to join us and add ''color'' to these monochromatic proceedings.\\
'''James''': Well when a man comes back from the dead I find that occasion to ''stand up'' and be counted.\\
'''Arliss''': Miss East tells me you're looking for General [=McGrath=]. I haven't seen him in a ''coon's'' age.\\
'''James''': Well I can see how it'd be hard for a man of your stature to keep track of... ''half'' the people he knows.\\
'''Arliss''': Perhaps the lovely Miss East can keep you from becoming a ''slave'' to your disappointment.\\
'''James''': You know beautiful women: support you one minute, ''cut the legs out from under you'' the next.
** A CallBack occurs when they're stuck dangling over a canyon at the end.
-->'''Loveless''': Well, I'll be a ''monkey's'' uncle! How did we arrive in this ''dark'' situation?\\
'''West''': I have no idea, Dr. Loveless, I'm just as ''stumped'' as you are.
* YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness: Loveless kills off a large number of his men, including General [=McGrath=], because he was at Appomattox when General Lee surrendered to the Union army.

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-->'''Gordon''': Jim.\\
'''West''': What now, Artie?\\
'''Gordon''': Mind if I ask you a question?\\
'''West''': ''[{{beat}}]'' Actually, I do, Artie.\\
[''both drive off into the sunset in a SpiderTank'']
----