[[caption-width-right:266:[[BigShutUp "Please quiet yourselves in an immediate and thorough manner."]]]]

->''"Who is your daddy and what does he do?"''

'''''Kindergarten Cop''''' is one of Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger's earlier comedic roles, following his comedy debut in ''Film/{{Twins}}''.

Arnold plays Detective John Kimble, a cop trying to put away drug dealer Cullen Crisp. Hoping to locate Crisp's estranged wife and son in order to draft them as witnesses, and having no information about them except the name of the school where the son goes, Kimble goes with his partner to find them. Initially it is his partner who is supposed to teach the kindergarten children with Kimble as the muscle, but when she gets food poisoning on the journey, Kimble has to do it.

HilarityEnsues when tough guy Arnold turns out to be completely unprepared to take on the challenge of babysitting five-year-olds. Meanwhile, Crisp gets released from prison and sets out to find his family...

While the film was not what everybody expected thanks to deceitful trailers, it helped to type-cast Arnold as an action-movie actor, and was a box office success, grossing over $90 million on a $11m budget, good for the top-10 box office of 1990.

!!This film provides examples of:

* AbusiveParents: One moody child that Kimble suspects of being Crisp's son turns out instead to have a different father, and an abusive one at that. Kimble beats the living crud out of him. Crisp doesn't come off too well, either; despite his claim to love his son, he aggressively kidnaps his son and then holds him hostage at gunpoint once cornered.
* ActionHeroBabysitter: Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger as a cop going undercover in a kindergarten.
* AffablyEvil: Crisp. He's devoted to his mother, he does want his son in his life, and he even tries to buy the toy he wanted for Dominic off a customer by offering more than what the guy bought it for (of course, he knocked the man out when he refused, but then again, he's affably EVIL).
* AlliterativeName: Cullen Crisp, Dominic's criminal father.
* ArsonMurderAndLifeSaving: The principal gives Kimble this speech after he beats said crud out of said parent (see above).
* BadassTeacher
* BigDamnHeroes: [[spoiler:Kimble's partner saves him from Crisp's psycho mother; the mother had run her over with the car right before the climax.]]
* BigEater: Det. O'Hara. Done with extra humor as she's so small.
* BigShutUp: Kimble does this to a room of kids (pictured), followed by a few smaller shut ups. Naturally, he makes the kids cry, which drives him to run outside and deliver a SkywardScream of frustration.
* BlownAcrossTheRoom
* BondOneLiner: "You're not so tough without your car, are ya?"
* CarFu: Kimble's partner gets hit by Eleanor Crisp's car.
* ChekhovsGun: The ferret. [[{{Foreshadowing}} Don't worry]], [[BrickJoke it won't bite you]].
* ChewingTheScenery: SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!
* ChewOutFakeOut: Arnold beats the snot out of a man who's been beating his kid. The Principal takes Arnie into her office, and he expects her to throw him out of the school. But regarding the beating, the only thing she has to say is to ask how ''good'' it felt to "hit that son of a bitch."
* CowboyCop: Kimble before he has to go undercover as a kindergarten teacher.
* CreepyChild: One of the kids is a boy who is constantly talking about death and dying in a very unemotional voice. And this is PlayedForLaughs.
** That's because most children go through this phase as they begin to grasp the concept of death being something that happens.
* CutHimselfShaving: One child explains his [[AbusiveParents fresh bruises]] every day by saying "I fell down."
* DaChief: Or in this case, Da Principal. She doesn't warm up to Kimble until the incident where he beats up the abusive father.
* EvenBadMenLoveTheirMamas: Cullen Crisp is a total mama's boy. Of course, his mom is just as bad as him.
* EvenEvilHasLovedOnes: Crisp genuinely loves his son. (Though he'll still hold him hostage if forced to.)
* FishOutOfWater
* FollowTheLeader: Every movie in the past twenty years that pairs an action star with a bunch of annoyingly cute kids has this movie to thank for its existence.
* FreudianExcuse: It's not hard to see why Cullen Crisp is so screwed up, considering what [[NeverMessWithGranny his]] [[MyBelovedSmother mother is like]]. But he's such a greasy jerk you really don't feel sorry for him.
* FromTheMouthsOfBabes: The one kid in the class who keeps saying "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina..."
** The Twin Girls (in unison): "Our mom says our dad's a real sex machine."
* GenericCopBadges: When Kimble arrests Cullen in the beauty salon, he is not wearing a uniform. It's a total win for reality that the security guards ''call his badge in'' to verify its authenticity.
* GoodCopBadCop: Kimble and his partner trying to turn a witness on Crisp.
* GoodIsNotNice: Kimble, until the kids soften him up.
* GratuitousGerman: Arnie says, "Das macht mich stinksauer! Jetzt bin ich sauer!" (That makes me really angry! Now I'm angry!) when he has to carry his sick partner (who's largely responsible for her own condition) inside.
* HaHaHaNo: When the kids laugh at Kimble accidentally sitting on piano keys, he retorts, "Ha ha ha ha... QUIET."
* HeroInsurance: Kimble evidently took out a bit of this due to his being an undercover cop.
** It does not matter if the Dad was abusing his wife and son -- Kimble ''[[CrowningMomentOfAwesome punches him, unprovoked, in front of students and teachers]]''. He ''should'' have been suspended for behavior unbecoming of a school teacher. On the other hand, he's not really a teacher then, and he does release the man of his own accord.
* InterruptedIntimacy: Kimble walks in on his partner having sex with her fiancée, thinking she is getting mugged.
* [[KickTheSonOfABitch Hit The Son Of A Bitch]]: This term is used in regards to Kimble decking the abusive father of one of his students.
* LargeHam: Kimble, given that when Arnold needs to show emotion, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8AJdfzCw3U it's never subtle]].
* MoodWhiplash: The principal pretends to throw a punch herself, still bathing in the afterglow of John beating the crap out of the abusive father. It's a cute and funny scene and oh holy shit, did they just cut to a ''corpse's face?!'' The juxtaposition is jarring, to say the least.
** There's also the genuine joy on Crisp's face when he sees his son for the first time in ages, a stark contrast to the bastard we've been seeing throughout the film. Then the mood switches again later when he points a gun to his own son's head and any sympathy he got from you before flies out the window.
** The start of the movie plays out like a generic Arnie movie, with him as a maverick cop, and then switches to a family comedy.
* MsExposition: Cindy. The girl delivers a very quick setup at the very beginning as the [[RedShirt guy]] pushes [[HeKnowsTooMuch her]] into the hiding place -- he already knows what he's going to tell Cullen, so there's really no reason she should be saying this to him [[TropesAreTools except to fill the audience in]].
--->'''Girl:''' I mean, his wife took his kid and a couple of million...
* MyBelovedSmother: Mama Cullen's overbearing behavior explains a lot about how her son turned out.
* PapaWolf: "You hit the kid, I hit you."
** Kimble's showdown with Cullen, which includes [[spoiler:him kidnapping poor Dominic and Kimble going after him.]]
* RealMenHateSugar: John Kimble is visibly gargling at the taste of the sweet fruit jelly that the orderlies fed him as he lies bedridden in hospital. His visiting partner Phoebe [[LampshadeHanging points this out]] to the nurse.
--> '''Phoebe:''' Nah, he doesn't wanna eat that. He's a tough guy. Tough guys don't eat jello.
** They fed him Jello, never mind the fact that ''his arms worked just fine''.
* RedHerring: Zach Sullivan, the abused kid, was the one Kimble suspected of being Cullen's kid. It's actually [[spoiler:Dominic, son of Joyce the schoolteacher. Also, Joyce never stole from Cullen in the first place.]]
* RedShirt: Danny, the informant at the start of the film.
* RidiculouslyCuteCritter: The ferret.
* ScullyBox: Kimble, played by 6'2" Arnie, is often sitting when he's confronted by the principal, whose actress, Linda Hunt, is 4'9".
* SilenceYouFool: '''SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!'''
* SingleMindedTwins: The twin girls in Kimble's class (see FromTheMouthsOfBabes above).
* SkywardScream: Arnold screams towards the heavens after the kids frustrate him again by crying.
* SternTeacher: Kimble finally settles on this as a teaching style. It works for him, being over six feet tall.
** TeamDad
* TrailersAlwaysLie: The trailer tries to fool you into thinking that there's just going to be a few introductionary action scenes to ensure you know Kimble's a tough guy, before a movie full of jolly japes about him being overwhelmed by 5-year-olds. It's not. The film is better described as an action-drama, with emotional scenes of Kimble missing his own son and falling for a teacher, and a violent drug-dealer wanting his son back at any costs.
* VillainsOutShopping: After Crisp and his mother are reunited, there's a sequence in which they gather necessary items for once they get Dominic back. Crisp buys a toy for Dominic (by knocking out a fellow customer who refused to re-sell it to him), and the mother and son bicker about her barrage of medication she buys for the kid (including a rectal thermometer).
* WhatTheHellHero: The lengths that Kimble goes to to get Cindy's testimony include shooting up a club, beating up kids in it, and threatening to stalk and harass her until she talks... which would DEFINITELY get him fired, but it works. It's even HarsherInHindsight when that testimony [[spoiler: is what causes the bad guys to have Cindy killed.]]