->''The Power of Christ impales you! ''
-->-- {{Tagline}}

A delightfully schlock-filled B-movie from Canada, ''Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter'' is pretty much [[ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin exactly what it sounds like it would be about]] - [[{{Jesus}} Jesus Christ]] has returned, and he's fighting vampires.

Okay, a little more explanation, because we care.

For reasons unknown to anyone in the Catholic Church, there have been a rash of attacks on lesbians by vampires, and to make matters worse, they're now immune to sunlight (the vampires, not the lesbians). There can be only one solution - to get Jesus from his [[HesJustHiding hiding place]], and take on the vampires, including the [[LesbianVampire lesbians they've turned into more vampires]]. Along the way, he'll have to enlist the help of Mexican wrestler El Santos, "Apostle to the Apostles" Mary Magnum, and... learn to do a snazzy musical number?

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!!This film provides examples of:

* AntiVillain / HarmlessVillain: The thrift store clerk is working with the vampires but is fairly harmless and for the most part fairly lazy about his villany.
* ChristianityIsCatholic: When Jesus shows up to help Christians fight vampires, guess which denomination he shows up among? That said, it is one ''swingin[='=]'' Catholic Church.
* ClownCar: How many atheists fit into a single car? LampshadeHanging applied: When the second wave attacks, Jesus throws his hands up in confusion.
* CoconutSuperpowers: The makers of this low-budget film had a problem: Vampire films necessitate a lot of nighttime scenes, which means nighttime shooting, which means a lot of expensive lights, power concerns, fire hazards, etc. How to get around this problem? Make the movie about vampires gaining the ability to walk in daylight. Suddenly, a budget constraint becomes a story element!
* DeusExMachina: Obviously. Reaches its logical conclusion when Jesus is off fighting vampires, Dr. Praetorius is watching it on TV, and suddenly, Jesus burst into the room...
-->'''Praetorius''': How can you be here? I thought you were at the junkyard!\\
'''Jesus''': I'm ''EVERYWHERE!''
* EasilyForgiven: Dr. Praetorious is offered a LastSecondChance by Jesus despite all of the evil he's done. Justified because it's ''Jesus''. [[spoiler: He refuses, and is killed shortly after.]]
* EliteMooks: The atheists have them.
* ExactlyWhatItSaysOnTheTin
* ExpositoryThemeTune: The closing theme, "Everybody Gets Laid Tonight".
* FaceHeelTurn: [[spoiler:Mary Magnum gets turned, but Jesus turns her back]].
** To a certain extent Maxine Shrek and Johnny Golgotha [[spoiler: and possiblyFather Eustace]] count as well, as Father Eustace mentions that both were do-gooders heavily involved in the Catholic Church before they were turned into vampires. [[spoiler: Maxine gets turned back into a human like Mary does (as does the woman that El Santos liked), but Johnny and Father Eustace are killed out right]]
* FakeUltimateMook: The atheist kung-fu monk did much more showing off than actual fighting and went down in one kick.
* FlatEarthAtheist: A couple dozen, who all attack Jesus for no particular reason.
* GiantSpaceFleaFromNowhere: The atheists, as above, pouring out of an impossibly small car circus clown style.
* GoodSamaritan: In a modernized twist, the wounded Jesus is ignored by a clergyman and a police officer (who "stopped caring at 6PM"), but is rescued by a WholesomeCrossdresser.
* GroinAttack: On ''Jesus''.
* {{Homage}}: Maxine Schreck is named after the leading actor in ''Film/{{Nosferatu}}'', Max Schreck. Dr. Praetorius is named for a character in ''Bride of Frankenstein''. Santos is based on the legendary Mexican masked wrestler [[Wrestling/ElSanto Rodolfo "El Santo, The Silver Masked Man" Guzmán Huerta]], who you may recall from the ''MST3K'' treatment of "SamsonVsTheVampireWomen"
* ImportantHaircut: Jesus starts looking like depicted most often nowadays, with hippie hair, but that changes.
* ImprobableWeaponUser: Jesus manages to fight off vampires with bad breath - justified, in that he specifically ate a schawarma with extra garlic sauce. Also, Dr. Praetorius fights with [[BloodyHilarious somebody's organs]].
* JesusWasWayCool: And totally cool about gay people.
* KungFuJesus
* LastSecondChance: Jesus allows Dr. Praetorius one of these, because [[EasilyForgiven "Not even this separates you from My Love!"]] Praetorius doesn't take it.
* LeftForDead
* LesbianVampire: Justified, as lesbians are marginalized by society and thus easier prey.
* LooksLikeJesus: Gradually inverted until Jesus completely stops looking like Jesus.
* MadeOfPlasticine: The vampires are ''extremely'' easy to stake. Johnny Vegas gets a few kills in with some ''darts'', and our Lord and Saviour uses toothpicks.
* MaleGaze: Especially aimed at Mary Magnum, and ''especially'' during the air-duct scene.
* MaskedLuchador: El Santos, CaptainErsatz to legendary Mexican luchador ElSanto.
* MaskPower: El Santos is able to ''cure vampirism'' with a mask (well, and Jesus' help).
* MenAreTheExpendableGender: All of the named female vampires get turned back into humans, but all of the male vampires get killed.
* MookChivalry
* TheMusical
* NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast: Johnny Golgotha, Maxine Shreck.
* NinjaPirateZombieRobot
* NoOneCouldSurviveThat: [[JustifiedTrope Jesus has a track record of prevailing even when being killed.]]
* ObviousStuntDouble: While the shot's convincing in the movie proper, the outakes in the credits show the double for [[ActionGirl Mary Magnum]]'s motorbike stunts without ''[[CrosscastRole his]]'' helmet on (but wearing the, presumably padded, catsuit).
* OffTheShelfFX
* OurVampiresAreDifferent: Specifically, they can walk around in daylight because they're [[{{Squick}} wearing the skin of virgin women]].
* PintSizedPowerhouse: Jesus is quite short, as is pointed out in the film. But he can still kick ass.
* QuoteSwearUnquote: "The power of Christ compels you, [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch bitch!]]" from ''Film/TheExorcist''.
* {{Retraux}}: Although certain things (such as cell phones and the date on the clothing store) make it clear that it was ''supposed'' to be set in what was then the present day (2001), the whole movie gives off a distinct '70s vibe.
* SecondComing
* ShoutOut: The Virgin Mary says, about lesbians, "Oh, God loves them. They get so much done in a day, don't you think?" This is a paraphrase of a line from a TheKidsInTheHall sketch.
* SpyCatsuit: Mary.
* ThisIsForEmphasisBitch
* VampireHunter: Jesus.
* WholesomeCrossdresser: In a pretty clear Good Samaritan recreation.
* WorstNewsJudgmentEver: "CRITICAL LESBIAN SHORTAGE" (Fringe festival threatened!)
* YouDontLookLikeYou: About a few minutes into the movie, Jesus stops looking like Jesus. He gets haircut, gets a shave, and get his ears pierced for apparently no reason. Then slightly later, he stops wearing his robe and starts looking like a 70s exploitation movie star.
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