[[quoteright:350:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/footmenscene_3677.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:350:[[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taYThk1FX2k "Now, if you will step on this picture of your Jesus..."]]]]

->''The loudspeaker spoke up and said, Christianity is stupid. Christianity is stupid. Communism is good. Communism is good. Give up. Give up.''[[labelnote:*]]If you listen to Negativland, this quote may sound familiar...[[/labelnote]]


One beautiful morning, a young sexually-active woman named Judy stops by her local church, where the fire-and-brimstone preacher is delivering a sermon about the coming horrors of communism.

That's the FramingDevice for ''If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do?'', a 1971 RedScare film produced by Reverend Estus W. Pirkle, who also appears AsHimself in the role of Judy's preacher. Reverend Pirkle is here to warn us that America must abandon its sinful ways and turn back to God, or else it will be taken over by communists. The film's director is Ron Ormond, a man who could not be stranger bedfellows with Reverend Pirkle. The creator of {{Exploitation Film}}s like ''Mesa of Lost Women'' and ''The Monster and the Stripper'', Ormond found religion after surviving a plane crash.

Thus, comes the unholy matrimony of fundamentalist preacher and Creator/EdWood[=-style=] filmmaker. Throughout the resulting one-hour... experience, we're treated to {{Imagine Spot}}s which illustrate the horrors of 1970s American society, tell of Judy's various misdeeds, and hysterically warn of what America will be like under communist rule.

During the 1970s and 1980s, this film was circulated amongst the more fundamentalist churches in the DeepSouth. Today, it's something of a CultClassic for [[SoBadItsGood different reasons]].
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!!Tropes:

* ArtisticLicenseHistory: Hoo boy:
** "Are you aware that less than sixty years ago there was not one communist in the world, whereas today communism controls one billion, one hundred million people?" Obviously, he means to refer to people living under communist governments, and not to people espousing communism.
** Reverend Pirkle claims that it took only a week for the communists to take over China. Who knows where he got that figure from, but it's total nonsense. The [[NoMoreEmperors Chinese Civil War]] which eventually resulted in [[RedChina Communist]] [[ChineseWithChopperSupport military victory]] (under MaoZedong) lasted from 1916 to 1950, with some time on the proverbial back-burner/low heat for the UsefulNotes/SecondSinoJapaneseWar.
** Reverend Pirkle says that three million Christians have been killed in UsefulNotes/NorthKorea, twenty million Christians have been killed in the UsefulNotes/SovietUnion, and fifty million Christians have been killed in RedChina. If that seems like an oddly large number of Christians to be living in China, it's because Pirkle took the complete death toll of the Maoist regime and just assumed that all the victims were Christians.
** "One of the top communists in America today said, 'I dream of the hour when the last Congressman is strangled to death on the guts of the last preacher and since the Christians love to sing about the blood, let's give them a little of it. Let's cut the throats of their children and let them drown in their own blood on the altar. Then we'll see if they enjoy singing these hymns or not.'" Christian conspiracy theorists have long attributed various versions of this quote to then CPUSA leader Gus Hall, but it [[BeamMeUpScotty seems to have no basis in fact]]. [[invoked]]
** Pirkle claims that communists are [[GodwinsLaw worse than Hitler]] because the Nazis supposedly killed people mercifully whereas communists torture. Obviously, the notion that the Nazis never used torture is a fantasy on par with Holocaust denial. And yes, the Soviets used torture too, but the point is that that alone is not something which made them different from the Nazis.
* AsTheGoodBookSays: The title paraphrases [[Literature/TheBible Jeremiah 12:5]]:
-->''If you have run with footmen and they have tired you out, then how can you compete with horses?''
* AuthorTract: The whole film is literally a preacher preaching at us
* BadLiar: Tommy denying that he is a Christian
* BrokenAesop: The film decries the violence on television, despite having some rather graphic scenes depicting communist horrors. The blood is [[SpecialEffectFailure very obviously fake]], but it's still more violent than anything you would see on U.S. television during the 1970s.
* CassandraTruth: Pirkle says communists torture people in a deliberately over-the-top manner in order to ensure that the victims' stories won't be believed.
* TheCoup: This is how the communists will take over the United States. It will happen "within fifteen minutes after zero hour", improving from the supposed week it took them to take over China.
* DayOfTheJackboot: Reverend Pirkle actually provides a deadline for his nightmare vision. Unless Americans turn back to God in a hurry, the communists will take over the U.S. within the next twenty-four months. [[TheGreatPoliticsMessUp Oops]].
* DirtyCommunists: As far as the film is concernced, a "communist" is someone who goes around torturing and murdering Christians for no reason. Capitalism is only brought up once, and rather offhandedly at that.
* EasyEvangelism: Judy (although to be fair, it does take the whole film to get her to repent)
* TheFundamentalist: Our "hero", Reverend Pirkle
* GodTest: Communist brainwashers use this to teach children that Jesus can't miraculously provide them with candy, but "our glorious leader FidelCastro" can.
** Why a bunch of characters who are supposed to be Soviets (considering their bad 'Russian'/'Dracula' accents) are focused on a Cuban guy rather than, you know, a Russian, is anyone's guess. Shouldn't those kids be praying to ''Brezhnev'' for candy?
* GoodOldWays: Reverend Pirkle sings the praises of early twentieth-century schooling, and especially the old [=McGuffey=] Readers.
* HystericalWoman: Pretty much every single woman who has any kind of contact with a communist
* MonochromeCasting: Despite being obviously filmed in the South, the film doesn't contain a single black person.
* MoralGuardian: Reverend Pirkle ("Dancing is just as wrong as it's always been!")
* NewMediaAreEvil: Reverend Pirkle is definitely not a fan of television. He tells us that, "since the advent of TV, the crime rate in some areas has increased one thousand percent." Needless to say, he provides no evidence that television is the ''cause'' of the rise in crime. [[FalseCause Correlation does not imply causation]], Mr. Pirkle.
* InfantImmortality: Inverted HARD! In fact the worst scenes involve children....from the boy getting his eardrums punctured (then barfing up a storm), the kids forced to drop their dad on a pitchfork & the kid who gets his head lopped off. Then, of course, the kids seen amongst the gunned-down dead.
* ObviouslyEvil: Communists are [[EvilIsHammy hammy]] sadists who hate Jesus for no reason and wear Red Army uniforms at all times.
* OohMeAccentsSlipping: This is especially apparent with the main Commissar. He's played by a very DeepSouth kind of guy trying to talk like an invading Soviet & failing miserably, with an accent that seems to waiver between "Count Dracula" & "Foghorn Leghorn". The other "Communists" aren't that much better, either.
* PuttingOnTheReich: The communist soldiers have Nazi-style armbands, with the hammer and sickle in place of the swastika.
* ScareEmStraight: The whole point
* SchizoTech: Throughout the film, communist soldiers ride around on horses. Presumably, this is to drive home the "footmen and horses" metaphor, but there doesn't seem to be any internal logic behind it.
** And these idiots manage to take over a country with a huge military budget & a gun-loving populace. Unless there's implied beefed-up Soviet forces off-camera (and assumed to exist) the whole scenario is stupid and impossible.
* TheSoulsaver: How we're supposed to see Reverend Pirkle.
* StupidGood: Okay, some goons have taken over your country & are killing religious folks like yourself in various horrifying ways. Do you have your services in a basement, an isolated barn or abandoned warehouse? HECK, NO! You have services in the open outdoors or in actual Churches, [[TooStupidToLive where the "Commies" can see you!]]
* ThisLoserIsYou: Judy
* UnfortunateNames: Reverend ''Eustus Pirkle?!''
* VodkaDrunkenski: A drunken communist soldier is shown drinking vodka, because obviously all communists drink vodka, whether they're Russian or not.
* VomitIndiscretionShot: A boy gets his eardrums punctured with sticks, cue seeing the boy throw up on camera for several seconds.
* WeInterruptThisProgram:
-->'''Reporter''': We interrupt this program to bring you news bulletins from WashingtonDC. All the wires have sent us the account. The President of the United States has been killed ''[strange pause]'' in the White House, along with the Secretary of State and the Speaker of the House of Representatives. [[ThisJustIn Other bulletins]], coming from around the country, say that the governors of several states have been killed; the Governor of California, Texas, Arkansas, Louisiana... and of New York. [[ThisJustIn There are other bulletins that tell us]]... that people are being herded into the street of the large cities and machine-gunned down like cattle! Ladies and gentlemen... this... is the communist takeover of the United States! This is the end of democracy as you and I know it!