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[[caption-width-right:275:''"Then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance!"'']]

->''"I am no messenger, but I will give you a message. The message of death!"''
-->-- '''Drogo'''

''Hawk The Slayer'' is a fine piece of nonsense set in the world of ''TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons''-inspired fantasy, a place where longswords, short bows and daggers are swiftly drawn, leather, chainmail and a kind of cloth notable only for its brown-ness remain fashionable and there's always an evil one roaming about. The evil one in this adventure is Voltan ([[LargeHam Jack Palance]]), who's so very evil on account of him bearing a scar on his face that, as we're told by a mysterious figure who lives within a mountain, will not heal. Quite whether the scar came before the willingness to do evil isn't something that ''Hawk The Slayer'' makes clear but he is quickly doing all manner of terrible things, all of which seem to involve murder. Indeed, the film opens with Voltan murdering his own father as well as the woman intended to be the wife of his brother.

That brother is Hawk (John Terry), who arrives too late to save his father but in time to hear the prophecy that he had been guarding and which had seen him slain by his own son. As he dies, Hawk's father gives him a magical sword (which Voltan had desired) and the two are set on a path that will see them face one another in battle. When Voltan breaks into a convent and kidnaps the Mother Superior, a one-handed man with an [[SchizoTech automatic crossbow]] seeks out Hawk. Hawk comes to the rescue of the Sisters of the Holy Word, promising not only that he will raise the two thousand pieces of gold but will defeat Voltan. Carrying his sword before him, Hawk sets out to gather a band of warriors...

They're [[http://www.filmschoolrejects.com/news/the-return-of-hawk-the-slayer.php making]] a [[http://www.joblo.com/index.php?id=24949 sequel]].

The film received the ''Podcast/RiffTrax'' treatment in Oct. 2014.
!!This movie has examples of:
* AlternateDVDCommentary: Available from [=RiffTrax=] as a [[http://www.rifftrax.com/hawk-the-slayer video-on-demand download]].
* BadassBoast: Drogo will slay Hawk himself and claim the gold, and "then Voltan will see who is the lord of the dance!" Well, he seems to think it's badass anyway.
* BigBad: Voltan.
* BigEater: Both Baldin ''and'' Gort seem at odds as to who the biggest eater is.
%% ** IllTakeTwoBeersToo
* BiggerBad:Voltan's dark master. He never gets directly involved in the plot, but is clearly manipulating things behind the scenes. He's also shown to have great magical powers, including the ability to resurrect the dead.
* TheBigGuy: Gort, the giant.
%% * BoisterousBruiser
* BottomlessMagazines: The automatic crossbow and Crow's quiver. The latter is especially bad, since when not firing he clearly has less than a dozen arrows total.
* BurnTheWitch: Hawk meets the witch by rescuing her from a couple of locals who want to burn her for... being a witch, apparently.
* CainAndAbel: Hawk and Voltan
* ChronicBackstabbingDisorder: Drogo, who kills the man who informs him of Hawk raiding the slaver camp.
* CoolSword: Two of them, Hawk's sword has a magic stone in its pommel which allows him to call it to his hand and throw it accurately; Voltan's has no powers but its skull-shaped pommel and four-pronged guard are cool anyway.
* CurbStompBattle: two guys with automatic weapons and a powerful witch ''vs.'' ordinary medieval soldiers. Even without the guy with the magic sword (and the dwarf with the whip) it would have been a walkover.
* [[DamselInDistress Damsels in Distress]]: A good part of the movie involves Hawk and his gang rescuing the captured nun.
%% * DeadpanSnarker: Baltin, the dwarf.
* TheDragon: Drogo, Voltan's son and lieutenant, tries to be this.
* DullSurprise: John Terry (Hawk) seldom cracks any sort of expression. Except at the end when he starts smirking.
* DwindlingParty: Two of the party members are dead by the end, and one is grieviously injured.
* EvenEvilHasLovedOnes: Despite threatening to kill him at one point, Voltan seems genuinely distraught at Drogo's death, even though [[ObliviousAdoption Drogo isn't his biological son]].
* EveryoneCallsHimBarkeep: The closest thing to a name that the blind witch seems to have is "Woman".
* EvilIsPetty: Voltan is a wanton murderer who burns whole villages to the ground and is implied to have been involved with wiping out the dwarves, but the main plot is him holding a nun hostage for an amount of gold the heroes secure by fighting one random gang. The Bishop thinks his actual goal is to establish a precedent, so it may be justified.
* EvilOverlord: Voltan lords it over a large group of bandits and terrorises the countryside, with the implication that he wants more.
* ExactWords: Voltan's excuse to betray people.
* EyeScream: Voltan's scar is apparently a result of his being stabbed in the eye with a piece of burning wood by Hawk's girlfriend. The wizard he gets magic pain relief from mentions that it inexplicably refuses to heal, and in fact the flesh seems to be ''melting''.
* {{Flynning}}: The swordfights aren't the least beat realistic.
* GoodWitchVersusBadWitch: The unnamed witch supports Hawk and his band, while Voltan's evil master serves as the movie's BiggerBad. They never fight directly, though.
%% * HeroicFantasy
* {{Hobbits}}: Baldin is a dwarf, but he acts more like a typical fantasy Hobbit rogue - merry, sneaky and gluttonous. His choice in gross food (he eats a raw fish whole!) lines up more with traditional ideas of dwarves however.
* HoistByHisOwnPetard: The Hunchback is killed by the exact method by which he threatens Gort's life.
* HorribleJudgeOfCharacter: The nuns are utterly convinced they can trust ''the Dark One'' at his word.
%% * ICallItVera
* HumanSacrifice: Hawk rescues Baldin from a group of religious nutters who've tied him to a raft that they're trying to set alight with ArrowsOnFire.
* IDieFree: [[spoiler: Baldin]] invokes it.
* IdiotBall: The Abbess and nuns at the convent juggle a whole ''host'' of Idiot Balls, all based on the belief that Voltan isn't the ObviouslyEvil ChronicBackstabbingDisorder ShootTheDog Bond villain that he is.
* ImprobableAimingSkills: Crow and Ranulf.
* JabbaTableManners: The Hunchback. His mouth gets him killed too, so it's LaserGuidedKarma.
* KarmicThief: Hawk needs 2000 gold pieces for the ransom, so he steals them from the hunchbacked slave trader.
* LargeHam: Jack Palance as Voltan
-->'''Voltan''': "See how it glows!"
---> [[Podcast/RiffTrax Mike Nelson]]: "Jeez... how ''does'' that scenery taste, Jack?"
* LastOfHisKind: Gort, Crow and Baldin are said to be the last members of the giant, elf, and dwarf races, respectively.
* {{Leitmotif}}: The pan flute cue every time Hawk is about to do something.
* TheLostWoods: Much of the scenes seem to be in the same patch of British forest.
* TheMagnificentSevenSamurai: There are only five of them (six if you count the sorceress), but it's pretty overt. A few of the recruitment scenes are even fantasy takes on the ones from ''[[Film/TheMagnificentSeven1960 The Magnificent Seven]]''.
* MauveShirt: Ranulf looks like a typical expendable RedShirt, but he actually gets some characterisation and proves handy in a fight. He does get killed, but only towards the end of the movie.
* NeverTrustATrailer: The trailer mentions "two armies", "Voltan's army - the Devil's army, and Hawk's". In the actual movie, Hawk's "army" consists of exactly six people, while Voltan's "army" is in no way satanical and has nothing to do with TheLegionsOfHell - it's a band of some 100 or so normal human bandits.
* NewPowersAsThePlotDemands: Hawk gets the Mindsword and his father explains that it'll come to him if he wills it. But when he and Ranulf travel through a haunted forest, he somehow knows the light it sheds will keep them protected from evil spirits?
* NoodleIncident: How Baldin got into his predicament when Hawk finds him.
* NotableOriginalMusic: The techno-medieval music is kinda catchy.
* ObviouslyEvil: Voltan. [[EvilWearsBlack Wears black robes]], [[EvilSoundsRaspy talks in a raspy voice]], [[RedRightHand has a horribly scarred face that he hides under an evil-looking helmet]], etc., etc.
* OminousFog: In said British forest.
* OOCIsSeriousBusiness: In one or two cases Hawk changes his standard DullSurprise expression and threatens to kill Voltan. This is the cue that Voltan has really crossed the line.
* OurDwarvesAreAllTheSame: Averted. Hawk's dwarf companion doesn't have a long beard, and he uses a whip instead of an axe.
* OurElvesAreBetter: Crow speaks like a Vulcan from Star Trek, but otherwise fits the classic Elf archetype very well - aloof and taciturn, exceptional archer, lithe and athletic, etc.
* PayEvilUntoEvil: "The end truly justifies the means!" Uh, sure...
%% * PluckyComicRelief: The dwarf.
* ProtagonistTitle
* RagtagBunchOfMisfits: Let's see we have a heroic swordsman with a CoolSword, a dwarf thief, a [[TheBigGuy Big Guy]] with blunt weapon, an elf that talks like Spock, a blind magic user that uses glowing magic balls, and a one-armed man with a automatic crossbow.
* RewardedAsATraitorDeserves: Well, Voltan offs the noviate who betrayed Hawk, but he's such a BadBoss you really can't say he treated her any differently than his own henchmen.
* RoboSpeak: Even though Crow isn't a robot, he speaks like one.
* RoleCalled
%% * SayMyName: DROGOOOOOO!
* SchizoTech: Generally a typical medieval fantasy setting, but one character inexplicably carries an automatic crossbow that would be impressive even in the modern world.
* SequelHook: [[spoiler: Voltan gets resurrected by the dark mistress at the end.]]
* TheStoic: Nearly everyone, due to bad, bad acting, but Hawk and his elf buddy rarely show any expression other than "intense staring". Gort, Baldin and Voltan are pretty much the only exceptions, since they can actually act somewhat.
* StopTrick: The automatic crossbow and elf's bow are so fast [[BlatantLies the camera can't keep up]] so it looks just like they repeat the same short scenes of them firing.
* SummonToHand: Hawk can make his Mindstone Blade fly into his hand by thought alone. Well, not fly, exactly. Slowly float.
* ThrowingYourSwordAlwaysWorks: Voltan actually specializes in throwing daggers (not throwing knives). When forced into an actual sword fight (after this fails against Hawk) he clearly has no idea what he's doing.
** Hawk also manages an effective throw of his Mind Sword against the bandits that held Ranulf hostage.
%% * UpgradeArtifact: Elven Mindstone Blade
%% * WeaponOfChoice
%% Apart from being ZCEs, the following tropes should *not* be listed as bullet points under WeaponOfChoice, but should be given their own top-level entries (per site policy)
%% ** AncestralWeapon
%% ** ImprobableWeaponUser
%% *** AutomaticCrossbows
%% *** ExoticWeaponSupremacy
** WhipItGood: Baldin's weapon of choice.
* WellDoneSonGuy: Drogo, to Voltan.
* YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe: The script attempts Medieval English patois, but fails miserably.
* YouTalkTooMuch: When the hunchback slaver keeps snarling death threats at him, Gort suspends the man's spiked club above his head with a rope, the other end between his teeth. When Gort announces that they're walking off with all his gold, he can't help shouting his outrage...oops!
-->'''Gort:''' [[BondOneLiner Some people can never keep their mouth shut.]]