[[quoteright:350:http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Dumbledoreinmyimmortal.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:350:This '''so''' should have been in one of the movies.]]
->Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is [[ReversePsychology get da hell out of here]]!).
->--'''''My Immortal's first sentence (Ignoring the Author's Note). ItGotWorse after that.'''''

Once upon a time, a [[strike:writer]] [[strike:"writer"]] [[strike:"typist"]] "keyboard [[strike:operator]] [[strike:owner]] [[strike:smasher]] [[strike:violator]] rapist" named Tara Gilesbie produced a FanFiction that re-defined the meaning of SoBadItsGood. MyImmortal is that fanfic. The simplest way to describe would be saying that it is to fanfiction what Plan9FromOuterSpace is to cinema.

[[OverlyLongName Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way]] is a seventh-year Slytherin who's overwhelmingly beautiful, [[DidNotDoTheResearch "goff"]] and has Draco Malfoy wrapped around her pale finger. Everywhere she goes, her fellow students are smitten by her hot, goffik [=~So Beautiful, It's A Curse~=] body. She's usually surrounded by her friends, Satanist "goffs" who slit their wrists, shop at Hot Topic and move into Slytherin, cry tears of blood, while everyone else (including Dumbledore) is a prep who listens to Avril Lavigne and [[ConflictBall hates the goffs for no reason.]]

The plot is mostly centered around [[strike:Voldemort]] Vlodemort trying to force [[strike:Ebony]] Enoby to kill [[strike:Harry]] Vampire. After this, Ebony goes back in time to try to prevent [[strike:Tom Riddle]] Tom Bombodil from ever becoming [[strike:Voldemort]] Volxemort, by making him fall in love with her. [[strike:Snape]] Snap and [[strike:Lupin]] Loopin are pedophiles who enjoy [[strike: masturbating]] masticating and eventually get sent to Azkaban [[strike:Azerbaijan]] (or "Abhkazian", that could possibly a product of the Cupertino Problem if not for the fact that the fic has clearly never seen a spellchecker). Then there's some drama between Enoby, [[strike:Draco]] Dracola, and Vampire, and...who are we kidding? There's nothing resembling a plot here.

What this fic ''does'' have, however, is sex, torture, rape, time travel ([[BackToTheFuture Marty McFly]] makes an inexplicable cameo), guns, goth concerts, ludicrous and confusing nicknames, dramatic entrances, tears of blood, wrist-cutting, homo-/bisexuality, and clothing descriptions worthy of ''AmericanPsycho''. This is not to mention the OOC drama, ranging from Tara's constant interaction with her incensed reviewers, the rocky relationship between Tara and her best friend, Raven, as well as some back-and-forth between Tara and a mysterious "hacker." The [[RougeAnglesOfSatin constant spelling mistakes]] don't help the reader's understanding either. The story [[FigureItOutYourself may or may not be]] the work of a {{Troll}}. If she is a troll, she's an incredibly skilled, determined, and realistic one. If not, then weep for humanity's future. WEEP.

The story can be found [[http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/chapters122.htm here.]]

If you insist on a rundown of the "plot": Ebony meets Draco, who invites her to a Good Charlotte concert, after which they have sex in the Forbidden Forest. The teachers are angry with her. Then she learns that Draco and Harry ("Vampire") used to be boyfriends -- this so disgusts her that she doesn't get dressed before running into Draco's class and yelling at him. Then Voldemort tells Enoby to kill Vampir. Enony's goffic band practise, but then Darko apparently commits suicide. Then Snap and Loopin video Enoby in the shower! Then Volxemort has Draco "in bondage"! Vampire brings Ibony to the Bark Lord's lair, where she kills "Snaketail" and rescues Drago. Then they go to a My Chemical Romance concert in Hogsmeade -- but the band is secretly Volzemort and da Death Dealers!!!11 Dumblydum chases them away, Ebony and Drico see Snap and Loopin having sex, then they go to ''another'' MCR concert, then the Ministry try to make Dumbledeor retire, Draco and Ebony have sex, then Trevolry has a vision: Lucian and Serious are in danger! Dumbledore saves them, and tells Enobby she must go back in time to have sex with Voldemont so he doesn't turn evil. Drake and Ebony have sex once more; Vampire films it. Vampire and Snape then have a gunfight, "[=McGoogle=]" chains up the goffs but they are saved from torture. Ebony travels back in time in Morti Mcfli's time machine and meets the young Tom "Satan" Riddle. Returning to the present, Luciious and Serifs are tortured while Drico and Egogy have sex. Ebony goes back in time again, and Satan asks her to a Marilyn Manson concert. She is also asked to join Satan, Samoro (James), Snap and Loopin in [=XBlakXTearX=], their goff band. Cornelia Fuck has now replaced Dumblydore as Headmaster. Draco steals Fug's "amnesia potion", Enony goes back in "tim" to go out with Satan where they see a Marilyn Manson and [=XBlakXTearX=] concert. Someone then claims to have "hacked" Tara's account, and writes a chapter correcting Tara which is far less interesting than anything else in ''My Immortal''. Tara returns to tell us about Ebony surviving being shot, then she catches Draco and Snake having sex. She goes back in time ''again'' to find Satan having sex with "Hedwigg" (apparently a man in this story). Dumbledore's iPod becomes a time machine (''why????'') and Ebony returns to the present. Britney frees Snape, Loopin and Hargirid but Loopin is soon captured. Draco, Ebony, Vampire and Satan (yes, the young Voldemort) have group sex to celebrate. The last chapter features a climactic battle in which Ebony fires an ''Avada Kedavra'' at Volfemort -- does it work? We never know, the story ends there.

An entire minifandom has sprung up, producing:

* [[http://encyclopediadramatica.com/My_Immortal#Legacy Dozens of fics parodying or paying homage to Tara's masterpiece.]]
** A fan-made [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4726007/1/My_Immortal_2_Fangz_4_De_Venom sequel.]]
** This got so bad that Fanfiction.net had to stop these parodies by bringing the hammer down on fics with [[DisproportionateRetribution poor spelling]]. [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4307278/1/Lexaeus_Loves_Hot_Topic There are workarounds]], however (if you're in any doubt it's "inspired" by ''MyImmortal'', Google the author's handle).
*[[strike:[[http://www.lulu.com/content/4297526 A published version of the fic,]]]] Removed by jealous preps. Anyone who wants to re-publish the fic onto Lulu is free to do so.
* A YouTube mini-phenomenon of [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrU5tW84PeI people]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3NTwvcAVEI performing]][[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2LmXUL5EuU dramatic]] [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrx2kZk4Pzg&feature=PlayList&p=D3FA49E4DDBE3698&index=0&playnext=1 readings]], the funniest of which is [[http://myimmortalrehost.webs.com/1917463518.mp3 this reading of Chapter 17,]]
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ue7s2j1_p6s A trailer for a potential live-action film,]]
* And even a [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nx27fXBaTIc band: Bloody Gothic Rose 666]]
* A {{Machinima}} [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTJM2AOgWBo film]] created with ''TheMovies'' and [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GD3DCI5WXjs&feature=PlayList&p=7C44142EC570394C&index=0 another]] created with ''TheSims 3''

As you can see, this might just be the [[strike:worst]] [[strike:best]] [[strike:worst]] [[strike:best]] ''most polarizing'' fanfiction ever written for HarryPotter, or anything else. Go [[Characters/MyImmortal here]] for the character list.

Warning: This [[strike:fic]] ''page'' will make you drop about 20 IQ points just by reading it. It will make you feel as though your nerves have been set alight. You have been warned. And if that doesn't do it, the [[DrinkingGame/MyImmortal drinking game will.]] Just ask any troper: he/she will vouch for you.

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!!This fanfic provides examples of:
* {{Alternate Character Interpretation}}: Directly applicable to the writer. She's either an epic RalphWiggum ValleyGirl who somehow got her hands on a computer and started pressing buttons randomly, or she's an epic {{Troll}} who decided to screw with the internet by producing a TrollFic that would be cursed throughout the ages. Or she started out as a troll, but her story slowly [[SanitySlippage deteriorated her mind, to the point that the book got progressively worse]]. Either way, most of the internet has agreed that she should be [[BannedFromArgo banned from the Internet.]] Or [[BurnTheWitch burned at the stake,]] [[YourMileageMayVary depending on your emotions on the subject]].
** What if Tara doesn't exist ''at all''? Maybe Raven is the mastermind behind all this. ''Think about it...''
** No, they're [[DoctorWho Time Lords]]! They're ALL TIME LORDS! It explains everything! [[WildMassGuessing And their tardis is Dumbledores Ipod!]]
** At the very minimum there's some form of StylisticSuck, given the nature of the spelling errors. "Da" for "the" is nearly impossible on a normal keyboard.
* AccidentalInnuendo: Whether it's actually accidental depends on whether the fic actually is a parody or not, but regular words are occasionally "accidentally" spelled wrong and turned into obscenities, e.g. "Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge" becomes "Mystery of Magic Cornelia Fuck".
* AdaptationDecay: That's putting it mildly.
* AlwaysChaoticEvil: Preps, apparently.
* AnOfferYouCantRefuse: Voldemort tells Ebony that if she doesn't kill Vampire, she and Draco will die. He never really follows up on that.
--> '''Voldemort:''' If thou doth not kill him, then I shall kill him anyways!
* AntiClimax: Chapter 17-18. 17 sets up some fight between "Dumblydore" and Voldemort, but 18 opens with Ebony waking up. It's explained away in a paragraph, where Dumbledore "chased him off" (and then segues into Ebony and Draco having sex to a Linkin Park song...). Of course, most fights end with someone flying away. Rather like ''TheIliad'', only stupid.
* AntiHero: Ebony and her friends. They all fight Voldemort, but they disrespect authority and do "pot, coke and crak".
** [[IfYouKnowWhatIMean And each other.]]
** Anti "Hero"? This troper would call her a VillainProtagonist.
* ArsonMurderAndJaywalking: "Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks."
* AssPull: It's painfully obvious that the author makes up the whole thing as she goes.
** For example, at one point the characters need to find Draco (who Volfemort has bondage). How do they do this? Someone "has an idea" and teleports them into Voldemort's lair. Note that they whine endlessly about stuff much easier to solve than this. [[WallBanger BANG]].
* AuthorAppeal: Everyone Tara likes has the same taste in fashion and music as her.
** Allegedly. With how incoherent and contradictory it is, even the author's "goff" status is questionable.
*** "Goff"? More like [[EmoTeen emo]].
* AuthorAvatar: Not just Ebony, but every other character to be [[DesignatedHero portrayed in a positive light]], since they're all basically clones of her.
** To put any doubts on the matter to rest, there's this little gem: "My hair was al up in a messy relly high bun like Amy Lee in Gong Under. (email me if u wana see da pik)".
*** Don't be ridiculous, this isn't the avatar of the author, this is what the author wishes she was. Which I suppose is sadder than the actual trope. In all probability this was a 12 year old who watched the movie about one million too many times.
* AuthorFilibuster: Tara constantly stops the plot (or lack thereof) to remind us she hates preps for no reason. And that she's a YaoiFangirl.
* AwesomeMcCoolname: Most of the original Harry Potter character have been given new names. Such as Hermione now being B'loody Mary, Ron being [[strike: Diablo]] Diabolo and Harry becoming Vampire.
** Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way doesn't count because it doesn't make sense.
** "Navel" becomes "Dracola". (!?)
* BackFromTheDead: Willow, although whether or not "B'loody Mary" was telling the truth about killing her (and letting Loopin have sex with the corpse...) is unknown.
* BeigeProse: The prose is...simplistic at times. "I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowy and rainy at the same time." However, see PurpleProse below.
* BeyondTheImpossible: ''How bad'' can Tara's spelling get? The strongest case one could make for this being a parody is that no one could possibly make that many typos.
* [[BigDamnHeroes Big Damn Hero]]: Dumbledore at the MCR concert.
* BigNo: Many people use this many times, including how [[strike:Worm]]Snaketail did it before his death.
** The readers themselves, much?
* BileFascination: Seriously, this [[strike:is]] was the MOST POPULAR THING on the site if the reviews were anything to go by.
** And what does it say about all of us that we created such a huge page about it?
* BlackAndGreyMorality: The {{Designated Hero}}ine is a Satanist and a sadist, and her enemies are preps, posers and [[PaedoHunt paedophiles.]] Apparently.
* BLAMEpisode: The fic gets [[{{Understatement}} progressively more ridiculous]] and almost nothing is mentioned again after it happens.
* BrainBleach: You'll need this to wash away the accumulated stupid. Rinse thrice per chapter, minimum.
* BreadEggsMilkSquick: Ebony and "B'loody Mary" (a.k.a. Hermione) discuss how their ex-friend Willow got expelled for skipping classes while watching TheNightmareBeforeChristmas. B'loody Mary suddenly mentions that "after Willow got expelled I murdered her and then Loopin did it with her cos he's a necphilak". Ebony's only response is a happy "Kawai".
* BuffySpeak: "Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face."
* BusCrash: Willow ''would'' be an example of this if there were any continuity. She is prominently in chapter two and then isn't mentioned again until chapter sixteen in which it's stated she died. But then she comes back from the dead with no explanation.
* [[CanonDefilement Canon Rape High Score]]: All bets are off people. Nothing is worse than this. '''Nothing.'''
** May be ''fractionally'' justified in that the author's note for chapter 23 indicates that Tara had only ever watched the Harry Potter movies, and was in fact not even aware of the books until that point...and since the movies, particularly the earlier ones, sort of assume (not unreasonably) that the viewer is at least somewhat familiar with the books, Tara may not have been completely aware of certain aspects of canon that readers of the books would have seen as common knowledge. It should be noted that taking this into account does not make the story suck less in any way.
*** She claimed to not have read ''all'' of the books.
*** It takes more than not reading the books to have produced this trainwreck, it takes talent to be this spectacularly bad.
*** The movies aren't THAT different from the books. Not nearly different enough to produce ''this.''
*** Right; thus, the operative word is ''fractionally''.
* CaptainObvious: "All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart."
* CardCarryingVillain: Voldemort.
* CharacterDerailment: Definitely [[SarcasmMode averted]]. In fact, this is [[ConsummateLiar so unbelievably close]] to the JK Rowling's style of writing ''Harry Potter'' that {{this troper}}'s jaw dropped.
** You're kidding, right?
** [[BlatantLies Whaaaat? Of course not.]]
*ClicheStorm: It's like Tara took one of those MarySue Litmus tests, and used every option...
** And all those "goffs" and "preps" she talks about...
* ClusterFBomb: Tara makes liberal use of F-Bombs in this mess of a fanfiction.
** Here's just one example:
-->What the fuck? You torture my fucking bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.
** ThisTroper would thinks of the entire fanfiction as a ClusterFBomb...she hasn't seen any of the chapters ''not'' use the f-bomb at least three times.
* CommonMarySueTraits: ''"...and I have long ebony black hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears..."'' Make it more obvious, why don't you?
* CompletelyMissingThePoint: "I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut [[MarySue mary su]] OK!"
** Does she even know what one is? Is she...a troper, no no no, I won't dare imagine the creator of this thing defiling our Utopia.
*** Fear not, comrade, the nature of Mary Sue is known throughout the Intertubes. Our haven is safe.
** She's a troll. It's a troll/crack fic. Seriously, total overreaction on something quite obviously intentional.
* ConflictBall: Why do the two groups of daft HighSchool stereotypes hate each other? God knows.
* ContentWarnings: "WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD." [[FreudianSlip (Of course, "excretion" might just be the right word...)]]
* CrackFic: Though perhaps not intentional.
* CoolCar: Draco has a flying Mercedes-Benz. Notably, one of the actual canon features of the fanfic: at least one flying car does exist in the PotterVerse. Although it's fairly out of character for Malfoy to own an enchanted version of a Muggle invention.
* CostumePorn: And ''how''. Pretty much ⅓ of the fic is spent to describe what someone is wearing.
** And it would probably be more if the rest of the story wasn't 1/3 "sex" and 1/3 cutting wrists, being goffik and going to the same concert [[{{Memetic Mutation}} OVER 9000]] times.
* CrackFic: It needs to be repeated.
* CreatorBreakdown: The spelling mistakes get more frequent and more blatant as the story goes on.
* CreatorProvincialism: A character is at one point described as having an English accent, which in a([[InNameOnly n alleged]]) ''HarryPotter'' fic should not be unusual enough to be commented upon. There are quite a variety of English accents, from Broad Yorkshire to Geordie to Estuary English to BBC to Posh Upperclass Twit, not to mention about a million others, so it does sort of make sense.... sort of. Indeed, this makes "English accent" even less useful as a description.
** Given the [[{{Did Not Do The Research}} overall quality]] of the fic, it would be incredibly surprising if the author even knew what an accent ''was'', never mind the regional variations thereof.
* CrossOver: [[BackToTheFuture Marty McFly]] appears for no real reason to take Ebony back to the present.
** [[StarWars Darth "Valer"]] takes Voldemort's place at one point...
*** A third, unintentional(?) [[spoiler:I think she meant to say Tom Riddle, but with this story you never know...]] one:
--> Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black. He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was"""""""".[[spoiler: [[LordOfTheRings Tom Bombodil]]]]!1111
**** This could be another point in the Troll argument, since [[spoiler: LordOfTheRings]] is not for the functionally-illiterate. It is doubtful that the sort of person who could honestly write this tripe would have the wherewithal to even ''get'' to the the part about [[spoiler: Tom]], let alone remember him.
***** Nah. It only takes her overhearing an argument about how the LOTR movies left out Tom Bombadil to make her aware of the name, so she can cram it into her soulless atrocity of ones and zeroes (and I'm not talking about binary).
* CrowningMomentOfAwesome:
--> '''''"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"'''''
--> ''It was...........Dumbledore!''
* CrowningMomentOfFunny: likewise.
** ''Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!''
*** [[TheSimpsons Snake?]]
*** [[MetalGear Snaaaaaaake!]]
*** [[EscapeFromNewYork I thought he was dead.]]
** "STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!" shouted Professor [=McGoggle=] who was watching us and so was everyone else.
** "I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT"" Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"
** "[[GratuitousJapanese Hey bitch you look kawaii]]."
**"The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!" Snape [[SesquipedalianLoquaciousness ejaculated menacingly]]. "You fucking preppy fags!" Serious shouted angrily.
** "Volfemort has him bondage!" (Repeated twice, as exposition, in the same chapter)
** "You fucking bustard!" yelled Draco at Vampire. "I want to shit next to her!1"
** "VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.
** "Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor [=McGonagall=].
** "YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!" yelled Rumbridge. "YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!"
** "CUM NOW!1!" Preacher [=McGongel=] yielded. We did guiltily.
** "Suddenly an idea I had. I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape."
** "THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!" yelled Cornelia Fudge.
**"Crosio!" I shited pointing my wound. Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming.
** (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?)
** "OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11" said Profesor Trevolry.
** A chapter after Loopin "masticates" outside of Enoby's window, Tara took a second stab at it: "You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Snap and Loopin." Who MASTABATED ([[CriticalResearchFailure c is dat speld rong]]) to it he added silently.
**"Abra Kedavra!" he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.
** "Noooooo!11" she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else '''crapped''' koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether.
** I smelled happily.
** "Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?" I asked gothikally.
** "No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax." said Profesor Trevolry.
** Dracola used to be called Navel but it tuned out dat he was kidnapped at birth and his real family were vampires. They dyed in a car crash.
** "Rid my sight you despicable preps!"
** Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!
** "But it was to late. I knew what I herd. [[{{Wangst}} I ran to the bathroom angrily, cring.]] Draco banged on the door. I whipped and whepped as my blody eyeliner streammed down my cheeks and made cool tears down my [[FreudianSlip feces]] like Benji in the video for Girls and Bois (raven that is soo our video!). [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotAwesome I TOOOK OUT A CIGARETE END STARTED TO]] smoke pot."
** "I laffed statistically."
** "We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn't there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111"
** "“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I [[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment screamed loudly]]."
** "“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s."
*** Glocks? [[IfYouKnowWhatIMean You mean they were using their guns?]]
**** It makes some surreal sense, apparently Volfemort carries guns on him in case he wants to threaten someone to kill Vampire
**** Actual Glocks would have made this story less painful. As they say, "Dead men tell no tales!"
** "then suddenlyn………………. the floor opened. “OMFG NO I SCEAMED AS I FEEL DOWN. everyone looked At ME weirdly.”"
* DarkerAndEdgier
* DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment: Lots of it. For example, "Magical Magic Creatures".
** "I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying."
** Tara insults her flamers by calling them "gay fags".
** At one point, the story reuses a plot detail involving Vampire's eyes rolling back into his head, his scar changing from a pentagram back into a lightning bolt, and informing Ebony that Volfemort has Draco bondage. ''Verbatim.''
** And another had her saying Voldemort had no nose, then repeating the exact same thing in the ''next sentence''. To say nothing of the fact that she had already mentioned it earlier.
* DesignatedVillain: Dumbledore -- wears an Avril Lavigne cape!!
** Britney doesn't do anything aside from being "a fucking prep".
*** Except in chapter 42 where it's stated by 'Proffessor Trevolry' that Britney freed Snap, Loopin and Hargrid from "Azerbaijan". How or why exactly, Trevolry (and Tara) doesn't bother to go into.
** It's really quite easy to view Ebony and friends as jerks who bully preps around for no reason and the preps as merely acting in self-defense. Especially when you consider not being a goff makes you evil for being a "prep" and trying to be goffic makes you evil for being a "poser" -- it's a Catch-22. And no, you can't become a "real" goff because the goffic shops don't let "posers" buy the "real" goffik items. Apparently, goffs are an exclusive cult in Tara-Land.
* DidNotDoTheResearch: In fact, better just make this CriticalResearchFailure.
** "We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol."
** and Hot [[strike: topic]] topik was not called Hot [[strike: issue]] ishoo.
** Let's not forget that [[strike: Voldemort]] Volfemort knows about Ebony's relationship with Draco because "[he] hath telekinesis!"
**Not to mention Hedwig being male, and a ''human'', and ''Voldemort's gay lover''!
***This is probably a ShoutOut to ''HedwigAndTheAngryInch'', providing further evidence that it's a parody.
**Does she know what dementia actually is? It's not very goff, kawaii or shmexy.
**Tara admits that she bases some of it on the movies because she hasn't read all of the books. This is a very good way of getting GannonBanned in ''HarryPotter'' fandom circles, but everyone's too busy laughing to care.
** I understand that this is because of its vampire mascot and its name, but Count Chocula cereal is not "goffik" in the slightest.
** The characters also throw around Avada Kedavra (which is frequently misspelled) quite frequently, even though it's a forbidden spell.
** Since when does it make one a paedophile to be attracted to a seventeen-year-old, particularly since sixteen is the age of consent in Britain? Okay, it's still not okay to "masticate" while watching a seventeen-year-old bathe, but at least get the words right ...
***Besides, didn't the books mention that in the wizarding world one becomes a legal adult at age 17?
** If you want to pick a "depressing" movie, you could do much better than ''CorpseBride''.
*** Same with ''TheNightmareBeforeChristmas'' [[WhatAnIdiot (especially since it has "Christ" in the name and we all know how non-goffik Christianity is!)]]
** Oh, hell, why don't we just call this ''Epic Research Failure''?
** "Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" [[EpicFail (c is dat out of character?)]]
** Apparently, Hogwarts has math, biology and "Hair of Magic Magical Creatures" classes now.
*** And in said biology class, Ebony did some "advanced biology" work by turning a bloody pentagram into a guitar. That's not biology, that's alchemy. And not very logical alchemy, to boot.
**** You were "especting" any kind of logic in this story? You poor fool
** Many Satanists don't even believe in Satan. The ones that do typically are not nearly as sinister as Ebony's friends.
** The author repeatedly gets Crucio mixed up with Crookshanks. For those unfamiliar with ''HarryPotter'', or if you just don't remember, "Crucio" is a magical spell that causes incredible pain. Crookshanks is Hermione's pet cat.
*** To be fair, there isn't really that much of a difference between the two, when you put it like that.
** Then there's the fact that all it takes to kill Voldemort in this fic is for Enoby to stop wangsting and use a killing curse. Unfortunately, that takes 40 chapters.
*** Only the killing curse, in all its variations, can apparently only damage property, summon mostly useless mooks, bounce "hamlessly against Volzemorte's robes" or send someone "[flying] bck, httn da wall," depending on the author.
** None of the "goffic" bands "Enoby" and her frends listen to are actually considered goth. They are actually mostly pop punk or mainstream emo. In one of the later chapters the end of the story she lists about 50 actual goth bands she claims to listen to. This list is obviously just copied and pasted from a wiki or web page. Despite the fact that she calls every else this, Tara is actually the quintessential poser.
** The characters are repeatedly described as going "upstairs" to their rooms. They're all Slytherins, so their dorms should be in the dungeons.
* DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything: Voldemortserum.
** Note that all the main characters use real life drugs [[BrokenAesop with no negative consequences whatsoever.]] And Dumbledore condones smoking pot in school at the very least.
* DontExplainTheJoke: There is precisely ''one'' instance of a pun not being pointed out. Even if it had been pointed out, it would still have been the [[strike:best]] only good pun in the entire story.
** Given the number of horrible and seemingly impossibly bad spelling errors, this troper automatically assumed that it was the only unintentional pun in the story.
*** "...the forest where Draco stole my virility..."?
*** No, I think it's where "Serious Blak" is [[strike:Harry's]] Vampire's "dogfather".
**One of the most confusing is "She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan." - Tara uses "pentagram" instead of "cross", because she's a Satanist.
* DracoInLeatherPants ''literally''
* DramaticEllipsis: "It was... ... ... ... ... (CHARACTER)!" is used more than a few times.
** Also used all the time before [[IKEAErotica "sex"]] scenes: "And then..........we started frenching [[YouKeepUsingThatWord passively]]", or some variation thereof, appears about 50 times in the fic.
* DeusExMachina: Dumbledore's appearance at the MCR concert.
** Ebony gets shot by James (Samaro) and survives. The reason for her survival is explained by Serious (Sirius). "Enoby u were almost shot!11" said Serious. "But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time."
** The most ridiculous example of DeusExMachina in the fic has to be ''Dumbledore's iPod turning into a time machine. Which Ebony just happens to need.'' What's wrong with this? '''''Where to start?'''''
* DrivenToSuicide: Draco. Of course, after being found in his room, dead, he [[IGotBetter promptly reappears in the story]] and nobody so much as comments on it. Admittedly, it's possible that the author was trying to imply that Vlodmort had kidnapped him and put a fake corpse in Drako's room, or something.
** May also apply to the reader.
** It's implausible that a girl who feels the need to point out every single crappy pun in her "story" (sometimes repeatedly) could have the subtlety to ''imply'' anything.
* TheEighties: Tara randomly decides that Voldemort attended Hogwarts in the 1980s ({{canon}}ironically, it's the 1940s) - maybe she just couldn't imagine a time before there were "goffs".
* EmoTeen
* EpicFail: If this fic isn't that, then nothing is.
* EveryoneIsBi: Or at least, all the guys.
* FanficChopSuey: Harry Potter is thrown together with [[DidNotDoTheResearch what Tara perceives as gothic things]].
* FantasticRacism: Draco mostly averts this, but once calls Ebony a "fucking poser muggle bitch" in an attempt by the author to prove that he's still in character.
* {{Flanderization}}: The OOC characterization and writing style get unbelievably ''worse'' with each passing chapter, most notably after the time travel segment. Of course, this only applies if you take the viewpoint that Tara is, in fact, an internet troll.
** The first few chapters were supposedly done with Raven proofreading it, which explains why they're easier to understand than the rest.
* FetishRetardant: Pretty much the whole thing. See IKEAErotica.
* FollowTheLeader: The fanfic spawned hundreds of parody fics.
* FreudianExcuse: [[strike:Voldemort]] [[strike:Vlodemort]] [[strike:Volsemort]] [[strike:Darth Valer]] [[strike: Voldemint]] Volxemort. In Professor Trevolry (or Professor Sinister's) own words, "When Voldemint was in Hogwarts before he became powerful he gut his hearth borken. Now do you fink he would still become Volxemort if he was in love?"
* FreudianSlip: Tara occasionally substitutes her own name for Ebony's.
** There is at least one instance of the author referring to Sirius as "Sodomize" and Cornelius Fudge as "Cornelio Fuck".
* FridgeLogic: Ebony got her name from her long, ebony black hair. Wait... ''at what age'' was she named exactly?
** And there's also the line 'We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.' Talked...''in silence''?
** ''Anything'' involving [[TimeyWimeyBall time travel.]]
** In chapter six, Ebony meets Harry, asks his name and he introduces himself. Later that same day, Ebony refers to Hermione as her friend. And later still ''the same day'' Harry is a member of Ebony's apparently preexisting band, along with Ron. ''How could she have not met Harry before that day?''
** Honestly, why try to point out specific logic failings in this story, when it is pretty clearly ''the entire thing''?
* FunetikAksent: The ''author'' lapses [[strike:into]] ''out of'' this on multiple occasions. Most famously, the word "goffik".
* GiftedlyBad: Tara.
* GlamourFailure: It took until the last paragraph of the fic for Tara to slip up and reveal she's a troll: Look at the page quote and notice [[{{SharkAttack3Megalodon}} what movie Ebony's a fan of.]]
* GratuitousJapanese: Professor Sinister, and to a lesser extent Ebony. Oddly, Ebony likes the word "kawaii".
** And she uses it incorrectly on almost every occasion, too: kawaii (pronounced 'kawa-ee', not 'kah-why') doesn't map exactly to the English word 'cute'; rather, 'kawaii' describes the ''concept'' of cuteness, and carries with it overtones of innocence, youthfulness and childhood. It's essentially the concept of looking like/behaving like a child.
** What makes the use of this trope especially strange is that nowhere in the fic does any character indicate liking anime, J-pop, or anything else pertaining to Japanese culture.
** "{{You keep using that word}}. I do not think it means what you think it means."
** Death is NOT kawaii!
*** To be fair, [[TheSandman Death]] is pretty cute [[PerkyGoth in her own way.]]
* GroundhogDayLoop: OMG there's an MCR concert RIGHT NOW! So they go and have sex. Back at school, OMG, there's a MCR concert! Let's go tonight, but first, we have to buy new clothes! Then yay, concert, let's have sex! Ebony then wakes up finds out about the MCR concert!!! NO WAY We should totally go and maybe even have sex! The same paragraph is copy-pasted into about four different chapters.
** Oddly enough, in some chapters, a scenario happens and it is repeated word for word later in the story. This troper can think of three examples of this. The first being where Harry "Vampire"'s pentagram changes back into a scar revealing Draco's whereabouts [[spoiler:(Volfemort has him bondage).]] The second is when Ebony (or Enoby) go to an MCR concert, only to find out it's not really them, but "Volsemort and da Death Dealers!" The third example is a special case as it happens in two different chapters. Draco is caught [[spoiler:doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111.]] and Willow tries to attack him.
* {{Goth}}: Subversion: Ebony thinks she's a goff, but she's really an EmoTeen.
* HoYay: Harry "Vampire"/Draco "Snap"/Loopin, and Tom "Satan"/Hedwig
** LesYay: Despite protesting in the Chapter 1 intro that SheIsNotMyGirlfriend, Tara's interactions with Raven have more than a bit of this.
* HurricaneOfPuns: A ton of really bad puns get used throughout, each one with an author's note pointing it out.
* IGotBetter: Draco ''commits suicide''. No, he does not ''attempt'' suicide, he ''commits'' it, and is found dead. This is ''never mentioned again''.
** It's possible that it was ignored because Draco was "in bondage" in Voldemort or something rather than dead...then again either I'm reading too much of this story and trying to make a coherent narrative which is freaking impossible.
** I know I'm giving her too much credit, but it says that "I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn"t die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there"s no way I"m writing that) or a steak)"
***and also, " I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco '''almost''' commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive."
*** mmmm....steak.
**B'loody Mary also claims that Willow is dead, in this classic excerpt: (Willow later returns without explanation)
-->B'loody Mary was standing there. "[[GratuitousJapanese Hajimemashite]] gurl." she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do' in japanese). "BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math." [[AuthorOnBoard (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)]]
-->"It serves that fuking bich right." I laughed angrily.
-->Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas. "Maybe Willow will die too." I said.
-->"Kawai." B'loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly. "Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin [[ILoveTheDead did it with her cause he's a necphilak]]."
-->"Kawai." I commnted happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.
**Funnily enough, mentioning her expulsion before mentioning her death is sort of in character for Hermione.
* IKEAErotica: "He put his thingie into my you-know-what."
* IncestIsRelative: "I'm not related to [[MyChemicalRomance Gerard Way]] but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie."
* IncrediblyLamePun: ''Every pun'' in this story will make you want to [[WallBanger bash your head against a wall]].
* InNameOnly: This is further from Harry Potter than the Earth is from Jupiter.
* IronicHell: Ebony, when the fic gets hijacked.
* KudzuPlot: Well, if it ''had'' a plot...
* LargeHam: Wayyyyy too many to name. Characters constantly deliver lines in an [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotAwesome overly dramatic]] fashion.
* TheLeisureSuitLarry: [[strike:Wormtail]] Snaketail.
* TheLibby: Britney.
** Arguably, Ebony.
* LifeEmbellished: Probably.
* LogicBomb: At one point the main characters "talked to each other in silence," which is practically Zen.
** "[[SimonAndGarfunkel And in the naked light I saw/Ten thousand people, maybe more./People talking without listening,/People hearing without speaking...]]"
* {{Malaproper}}: Tara. Often tries to use [[strike: big]] words, and fails.
-->"I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my ''virility'' to Draco"
* MarySue: Ebony. Just... Ebony. Tara, of course, denies it (despite [[strike:three]] four noticeable Freudian slips in which other characters refer to Ebony as "Tata" "Tara" and "[=TaEbory=]"), and responded to her preppy haters with this:
-->''I sed stup flaming ok ebony"s name is ENOBY nut mary su OK!''
** See ThirtySuePileup below for a detailed report...
* MeaningfulName: The "Raven" part of Ebony's name refers to Tara's friend, Raven. After Tara stops being friends with Raven, she changes Ebony's name to "Ebony Darkness Dementia TARA Way". Then, she reverts it back later on.
* MexicanStandoff: [[LampshadeHanging Ebony points one out in the final chapter, though she accidentally calls it a "Latin standoff".]]
** She lampshades ''and'' parodies a trope??? [[ParodySue She]] ''is'' [[AlternateCharacterInterpretation a genius...]]
* MindScrew
* {{Mood Swinger}}: Ebony has so many mood swings that it makes you wonder if shes bipolar. Draco has a mood swing once.
* MyChemicalRomance: "Vlodemort" and the "Death Dealers" disguise themselves as them [[GroundhogDayLoop on more than one occasion.]]
* MyGirlIsNotASlut: One of the excessive number of author notes pretty much says it just like that. Averted in that in spite of the author's claims, Ebony really ''is'' a slut (come on... just randomly screwing "Vampire" Potter in the middle of a crowd, even though she hated him, for no real reason?).
** Not to mention that she gave out on the first date...and with three different guys.
** Reverse lampshading (also known as denial):
-->You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.
** If you need to argue about it, you are not making a very strong case for yourself.
* NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast: used for the heroine.
* {{Narm}}: All of it. Yes, every single word
* NarmCharm: Why we read this story.
* NegativeContinuity
* NightmareFuel: A literal interpretation of many passages in this story will give you a rather disturbing mental picture. "He put his boys thingie in mine", coming from EBONY, anyone?
* NightmareRetardant: Again, the chapter with the "XTREMLY SCRAY" disclaimer.
* NoCelebritiesWereHarmed: Britney, described as a "stupid preppy fucker".
* NoEnding: Tara's account was hacked into twice. The first put up a parody DeathFic as chapter 39 where Ebony dies and canon and sanity are restored. The second attempt locked Tara out completely, meaning that the story abruptly ends when Ebony is about to kill Voldemort.
* ObligatorySwearing: Again, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
* OhMyGods: "Oh my Satan" is used a number of times by the Satanist characters.
* OurVampiresAreDifferent: Vampirism seems to be relatively meaningless here.
** [[InformedAbility Apparently]] they can be killed by a cross (a word which Enoby even refuses to say, except when she doesn't) or by a steak (so they should avoid restaurants and butcher's shops).
**Harry "Vampire" Potter is apparently not a vampire, he just likes the taste of blood.
* OutOfCharacter: '''''EVERYONE''''' except possibly Enoby herself.
* OverlyLongName: Ebony [[PunctuationShaker Dark'ness]] [[UnfortunateNames Dementia]] Raven Way. Enough said.
* PaedoHunt: Snape and Lupin are sent to "St. Mango's" because
-->''they were pedofiles and you can't have those fucking pervs teaching in a school with lots of hot gurlz.''
** Except they aren't. We're ''told'' they're being sent to St. [[strike:Mungo's]] Mango's and then they just never leave the school with no explanation.
** Tara [[WallBanger Wall Bangingly]] {{Ret Con}}s [[strike:Wormtail's]] Snaketail's age just so he can proposition Ebony without being a paedo. Because we all care so much that a murderous Death [[strike:Eater]] Dealer who appears in one scene [[EvenEvilHasStandards not cross that line]].
* PaleSkinnedBrunette: Ebony. Part of being an incredibly obvious MarySue.
** A majority of the characters, from Willow, Vampire, B'loody Mary...
* [[PlotHole Plot]]: Thoroughly averted.
* PossessionSue: Draco just reeks of this.
* PowerPerversionPotential: Broomsticks as a peeping tom platform.
* PresentDayPast: Made even worse by author's notes talking about it. Tara's friend Raven provides the page quote.
* PsychicPowers: Ebony and Harry's precognition abilities. [[MarySue (Guess whose power is stronger).]]
** Not to mention Voldemort knowing about Ebony and Draco's relationship thanks to [[DidNotDoTheResearch "telekinesis."]]
** And presumably whatever allowed Enoby and B'loody Mary to talk to each other in silence whilst watching ''[[GratuitousGerman Das]] [[TheNightmareBeforeChristmas niteMARE b4 xmas]]''.
* PunctuationShaker: Usually you'd use an apostrophe to indicate that a letter was dropped. Nope. Just look at those character names.
* PurpleProse: She spends entire paragraphs meticulously describing every last detail of her dress code. Ad nauseam.
* {{PWP}}: There's sort of a plot, but it's an ExcusePlot.
* RalphWiggum (If it isn't a parody, the author.)
* RapeIsTheNewDeadParents: The fic manages to ''combine'' rape and dead parents in a typically off-hand manner.
-->''It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle's dad was a vampire. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor. He had raped them and stuff before too. They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.''
** [[strike:''[[SouthPark Stanism?]]'']] [[strike:''[[StanLee Stanism?]]'']] ''[[strike: [[AmericanDad Stanism?]]'']] ''[[MonkeyIsland STANISM?]]''
** No, Stan--the accountant in Oregon to whom [[MST3K Crow T. Robot]] accidentally sold his soul.
*** [[CaseyAndAndy He has many forms]].
*** A [[strike:Satan]] [[strike:Stan]] Satan is also in {{Goats}}.
** So their dad cut his wrists with a razor, then raped the wounds?
*** No, he raped them and stuff, and then cut his wrists. I have no idea how that works, though.
**Just wanted to break in and say that the unintentional substitution of 'masticating' for 'masturbating' creates a whole new image -- okay, so they stand around their offices....''chewing''?
* RealLifeWritesThePlot: The single chapter rename of the main character and expulsion of "Willow" was due to some falling out between Tara and Raven in real life.
* RetCon: A ton, each more {{Wallbanger}}y than the last... as in this example:
-->Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )
* ReverseFunnyAneurysm: "Evony", anyone?
* RomanticPlotTumor: Most of the "plot" is focused on a [[strike:Harry]]Vampire/Ebony/Draco LoveTriangle. Even Voldemort forcing Ebony to kill "Vampire" is treated as though it were simply a complication to all the romantic drama.
* RougeAnglesOfSatin: Is freakin' MADE OF THIS TROPE. Including the main character's name, misspelt half the time as [[FreudianSlip "Enoby".]]
** This actually provides some of the most compelling evidence as to this story's likely status as a parody. [[strike:Not ''once'']] Only ''once'', probably by accident, is Sirius's name spelled correctly, but ''every time'' the word "seriously" appears, it is rendered as "siriusly"--'''no exceptions'''.
** "We started frenching passively".
** "I gosped... Snap had a cideo camera and Loopin was masticating to it!"
*** And the above "sentence" is made even funnier by the fact that '[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mastication masticating]]' is a fancy word for...''chewing''.
*** "Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera."
*** "Vampire got out his blak ''invincibility coke.''"
*** "Draco and Vampire came to contort me."
*** "I want to shit next to her!1"
*** Possibly one of the ''worst'' examples: ""Hel no!" she said. "Lizzen Egogy, I need ur help. Nex tim u go bak in tim, do u fink u kod ask Tom Andorson 4 sum help?""
* SelectiveSquick: Tara refuses to refer to [[strike:her]] [[strike:''Ebony's'']] ''Enoby's'' vagina as other than "my you-know-what" or "my thingie", but does not skimp on introducing anal sex, rape, anal rape, torture, etc.
* SeriousBusiness: The "preps" vs. "goffs" conflict seems to be equal to--nay, ''synonymous with''--that {{canon}}ical good vs. evil thing.
* {{Sequelitis}}: The original is considered by some to be SoBadItsGood, but My Immortal 2 is [[SoBadItsHorrible just plain]] [[BrainBleach painful.]]
** All of the sequels were in fact parodies - Tara didn't write any of them. This shows that, no matter how hard many may try, none can match Ms. Gilesbie's literary... um, achievement.
* ShapedLikeItself: "I started to cry and cry."
** And you'll never see this twist coming - ''"He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was...... [[spoiler:Voldemort]]!"''
* SnarkBait: Possibly more so than ''anything else'' on this wiki.
* SnowMeansLove: Ebony and Draco first spoke when it was snowing. Most likely just a coincidence.
** Snowing AND raining!
* [[SoBadItsGood So Bad You Keep Reading Because Your Brain Refuses To Accept That Anything This Bad Could Possibly Exist]]
** Reading this fanfic is like activating a machine that fires cement blocks at your forehead. Each time you hit the "next chapter" button, the impact nearly knocks you from your seat and threatens to turn your brain into [[ChunkySalsaRule chunky salsa]]. Yet you ''keep pushing that button'', partly out of the knowledge that (assuming you survive) you can only emerge stronger after this ordeal, partly out of respect for the twisted craftsmanship behind the hideous construct, and partly out of the mistaken belief that the next cement block couldn't possibly hurt as bad as the last one.
*** That, or you keep pushing it due to excessive brain damage.
** The only thing more mind-poisoning than this is CWC's ''{{Sonichu}}''.
* [=~So Beautiful, It's A Curse~=]: Ebony, of course.
-->"Its so unfair!" I yielded. "Why can't I just be ugly or plain like all da other girls and preps here?...Im good at too many things! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT'S A FUCKING CURSE!"
*[[BlatantLies So Cool Its Awesome]]: It's a Pot Hole
* SpiritualSuccessor: Several attempts have cropped up, none quite living [[strike:up]] [[strike:up]] down [[strike:down]] [[strike:left]] [[strike:right]] [[strike:left]] [[strike:right]] [[strike:B]] [[strike:A]] to the original. [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4698336/1/Ebony_In_Hogbort "Ebony In Hogbort"]] is one example, notable in that it attempts to ramp the {{Wangst}} UpToEleven by claiming AuthorExistenceFailure, a story which didn't entirely convince a DeadpanSnarker in the review section who asked whether the cause was [[OurVampiresAreDifferent sunlight, holy water or a stake.]] Entertainingly, it also claims to be written in Farsi and star Aberforth Dumbledore and Zacharias Smith.
** Shouldn't that be [[RougeAnglesOfSatin Steak]]?
* StealthParody: The only positive interpretation of the 'fic. Unfortunately, a frighteningly-accurate parody of truly execrable fan fic can be [[IndecisiveParody hard to distinguish]] from a truly execrable fan fic.
** Tellingly, the [[http://encyclopediadramatica.com/My_Immortal Encyclopedia Dramatica article]] on it is mostly positive, something they normally reserve for epic trolls.
* StealthPun: If it's intentional, Tara writes in a character based on her "gf (ew not in that way)" and names her "[[BuffyTheVampireSlayer Willow]]."
** ''"“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).” Serious said 2 Snape."'' -- So, yes, it was intentional.
* TagTeamSuicide: Almost happened with Ebony and Draco.
* TakeThat: To reviewers. ("U c, Enobby," Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. "2 c wht iz n da flmes[[EpicFail (HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT)]] u mst find urslf 1st, k?")
** Argubly "[[MarySue Tara Gilispie]]" and this story can be looked at as a TakeThat to [[OneOfUs us]] and Intenet Culture and the english language and reality in genral.
** Assuming it's a parody, it may be a [[FridgeBrilliance hugely brilliant]] Take That at self-righteously "unconventional" teenagers who look down on anyone they regard as "mainstream" despite the fact that they themselves are still conforming, only to a different group. Ebony is this sort of snobbery taken UpToEleven, to the point where she can only see the world in terms of "goffs" and "preps". In her world, "goffiness" is the only quality which human beings can be judged by and anyone who fails to meet her standards is a "prep" by default. And, of course, all the "goff" stuff she likes is actually pretty mainstream, just less obviously "preppy", emphasizing her hypocrisy.
* TearsOfBlood
* ThatCameOutWrong: "Draco and I came. It was…….Vlodemort and da Death Deelers!" .....Okay, either the reveal was ''really'' exciting (it wasn't) or those two really need to stop having sex at the first chance. It's seriously getting out of hand. (Too bad she [[WhatAnIdiot didn't learn the first time she did it and used "X came" lines multiple times, for no real purpose,]] or used her spelling to add the wrongness:
--> "Hargird kept shooting at us to cum back 2 Hogwarts."
* ThatMakesMeFeelAngry: Ebony/Tara: "I was so mad and sad."
*TheDragon: [[spoiler: Snap]] to Voldemort
*ThereAreNoTherapists: The only way of dealing with life-changing trauma in the [=MIverse=] is to become goffik and/or commit suicide.
*ThisIsSPARTA: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
* TimeyWimeyBall: The point where the fanfic loses anything resembling coherence.
** Chapter 11!
*** Was it really coherent that far in? I always felt that point was hit somewhere around chapter 4, at the latest.
* {{Wallbanger}}: Oh gods, do you even have to ask? Complements the BrainBleach quite nicely.
** With this fic, it would probably be more effective to ask what is ''not'' a WallBanger.
* ThirtySuePileup: Let us count the ways...
** ParodySue: Depends on whether Gilesbie's a troll or not -- if so, one of the [[SugarWiki/MostTriumphantExample best examples]].
** RelationshipSue: From the first chapter, Enoby leeches onto Draco and never lets go.
** SympatheticSue: Ebony [[{{Wangst}} constantly whines]] about how hard her life is.
** TsundereSue: She has quite the potty mouth and spends a lot of time yelling at everybody, insulting her friends for no reason, and on occasion laughing at others' misfortunes. But everybody still wants to be around her.
** AntiSue: She seems weak and useless...
** GodModeSue: ...until she kills Voldermort.
** VillainSue: Ebony can be interpreted this way.
** FixerSue: No, Harry, you're supposed to be bisexual!
** BlackHoleSue: The entire castle and all its residents are distorted to fit Ebony's views of the world.
** About the only form of Mary Sue which Ebony doesn't fit is PuritySue[=/=]MarySueClassic. Naturally, Tara tries to use this to "prove" Ebony isn't a Mary Sue.
* TrollFic: Perhaps.
* UnfortunateImplications: At one point, Tara, for some baffling reason, refers to Voldemort as a "black guy"; either she failed particularly badly at describing what he was wearing, somehow mistook Ralph Finnes for a black guy, or there's a side of her we haven't seen. Regardless, it comes out really badly.
* TheUntwist: If you didn't see this one coming, you must not have been paying attention at all:
-->“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”
* UnusuallyUninterestingSight: At one point, Draco bursts into the Potions dungeon in the middle of a class naked. It's implied that he did not even have underwear on or [[HandOrObjectUnderwear make an effort to cover himself]]. No one cares. (And why weren't Ebony and Draco in class anyway?)
** [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFiirQJLoUM "Draco just streaked Snape's Potions class!"]]
* VerySpecialEpisode: "c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!"
** The rly sris issus in question are paedophilia in American schools. [[CreatorProvincialism Even though Harry Potter is set in Scotland.]]
*** And of course that in American English it would be "p''e''dophilia."
**** And that it wouldn't be p(a)edophilia anyway because Ebony, the "victim", is seventeen and therefore not biologically or legally (under UK law at least) a child. Perhaps unintentionally, it becomes an InformedFlaw.
*** And ''another'' example of CreatorProvincialism, since 18 is the U.S. age of consent.
**** And even this isn't universally the case since the age of consent is a ''state'' issue.
* {{Wangst}}: Constantly. Whines.
* WeaksauceWeakness: Apparently, vampires can't even write the word Cross. They sometimes not only forget this but wear cross earrings. Not only that, but they're also vulnerable to "steak."
* WhatDoYouMeanItsNotAwesome: Tara describes ''getting dressed'' with as much care and attention to detail (by her standards, anyway) as other writers describe epic battle sequences.
* WhatHappenedToTheMouse: ''Spartacus'' appears in one sentence...and is never mentioned again.
** Dobby makes a tiny cameo and never appears again. Professor [=McGoogle's=] last appearance was rather early, and [[LordOfTheRings Tom Bombidol]] even comes for a moment.
** Spartacus was a misspelling for Sirius - which means there's a pretty good chance this is a TrollFic.
* WhyDontYaJustShootHim: In chapter 23, Voldemort confronts Ebony, Vampire, and Draco. [[strike:Voldemort]] Darth Valer, tells Ebony that she has failed her mission and that now he will kill her and Vampire. Ebony says "Plz don't make me kill him plz!. Voldemort's response is this. "No!" he laughed crudely. "Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!" Then he flew away cackling. Really, Voldemort could have just killed Ebony, Draco, and Vampire. Why would Ebony saying no, prevent him from killing them all on the spot.
* WordOfGod: Authors' notes pop up in most chapters, mostly to criticise reviewers as "preps," and excuse her spelling problems and mischaracteriation. One note in Chapter 6 reveals that Dumbledore's swearing is the result of him having a headache.
* WriterOnBoard: See AuthorFilibuster
* YaoiFangirl: Tara interrupts the narrative several times to mention how hot gay/bi men are.
** Oddly, she insults her reviewers by calling them "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment gay fags]]" in the author's notes. And after Evony finds out that Draco has slept with Vampire, she thinks he must have [[strike: AIDS]] [=AIDs=]!
*** What? How dare you accuse Tara of being a [[RougeAnglesOfSatin homophone]]!
* YeOldeButcheredeEnglishe: Voldemort speaks in this. Nobody really knows why.
* YouFailBiologyForever: Willow is described as being "thin enough to be anorexic" but having "really big bobs" - physically impossible, of course, but then again, the author is just trying to use a MarySue for WishFulfillment in two conflicting ways.
** No, if she had really big [=BOOBS=] it would be implausible (though not actually impossible, breast implants existed in The80s, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginal_breast_hypertrophy breasts do sometimes grow that way]]-- looks like ''you'' have some summer school ahead as well, and Enoby is hardly qualified to diagnose eating disorders anyway). She just has two large friends named Robert who follow her around.
* YouFailLogicForever: Big time. Begins with Good Charlotte (a muggle band) playing in Hogsmeade, a wizard-only town. Goes down from there.
** If you are from the future, you can't get hurt? And if you use something that didn't exist yet, then it won't work?
*** And still, Past![[strike: Vol]]Vlodemort somehow knows when things will happen in the future.
*** A [[WallBanger particularly bad]] one involving time travel - While in the past, Ebony slips "Satan" some "amnesia potion", which doesn't work because "it hasn't been invented yet". And Ebony found said potion in the past. Try to make sense of that.
** And then there's the somewhat bizarre fact that while most of the characters in this mess are "satinitz", the main antagonist (Volxemoart) is also referred to numerous times as "Satan." Meaning that their enemy and hero are in fact quite openly the same person.
*** This could be yet another confusing nickname (for example, "Vampire" Potter is apparently not actually a vampire, he just likes the taste of blood. In contrast to several other characters who are actual vampires. Why does he have this nickname?) It does seem odd, but what doesn't in this fic?
* YouFailSexEdForever: And I quote: "He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation."
** How constant is this use of passively as an ironic adverb?
*** The characters occasionally French kiss passively, something one would have thought was impossible.
** Wouldn't that mean "I screamed inactively as he belched"?
** Took the word right out of my mouth. Gods, this fic is an Engrish-lover's wet dream....
** And this bit is almost as good: "Then……………………… he put his trobbing you-know-what in my tool sexily. “OMFG Draco Draco!” I screamed having an orgism. We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep."
** "We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy’s thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)"
*** So, both of those technically mean she has a ... what? Why? And another one fits inside? Is this even written by a human being?
**OH GOD!!!!! THE HORROR!!!
* YouFailSuicideForever - If Tara really did slit her wrists for each of the thousands of times she got flamed, she's really doing it wrong. [[FridgeBrilliance Although it would explain why her spelling keeps degenerating as the story goes on.]]
** No, it's because she can only die from a steak!
*** I hope you mean stake.
**** Have you read the rest of this page?
* YourHeadASplode: Reading this fic in one sitting (at least, [[DrinkingGame/MyImmortal while sober]]) is not recommended, as this could be the result.
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