->''"Or it could be because all the important characters are now at a fairly acceptable age to start having sex. One or the other."''

A ''Literature/HarryPotter'' mockfic by Legendary Legacy hosted on FanFictionDotNet, aiming to mock most ''Harry Potter'' fanfiction [[{{Cliche}} clichés]].

One summer day Harry wakes up, but something seems wrong... Namely, someone has tied him to the bed with an enormous length of chain. So begins the tale, where Harry seems to have wandered into a strange reality; where Draco's a veela in love with him, the Dursleys are worse than Voldemort, his best friends are "a couple of greedy, jealous, power-hungry, self-serving, backstabbing gits", and Dumbledore's a villain with a [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud broken]] InnerMonologue.

Also, people keep bothering the Dark Lord for some reason.

Can be found [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7191459/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Something_Something here]].
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!!This work contains examples of:
* ButICantBePregnant: Harry gains an UnwantedHarem, including {{OC Stand In}}s Su Li and Blaise Zabini. Everyone refuses to believe that Zabini, commonly assumed in {{Fanon}} to be a girl, is in fact a boy. When Dumbledore spikes the harem's drinks with some sort of pregnancy spell, Zabini just looks at his several discarded drinks in utter horror.
-->Dumbledore [happily]: Ooh, triplets for Ms. Blaise.
* DidIJustSayThatOutLoud: Dumbledore speaks out loud whenever he tries to think quietly about his evil plans. Fortunately for him, Harry just ignores him.
-->''Perhaps this is for the best. Harry could work out much better for my master plan than Daniel, anyway. After spending his whole life abused and unloved, his need for attention and affection will have him following my every word without question. It's perfect!''\\
'''Dumbledore:''' That wasn't out loud again, was it?.\\
'''[=McGonagall=]:''' It was, Albus.
* DontLikeDontRead: Parodied, of course, in the first chapter's header.
-->Don't like? Read anyway. And then bitch to me about it when you're done. It's not like you have anything better to do with your time, right?
* DreamSequence: After Sirius' will is conducted while Harry was in jail (for about 15 minutes), Dumbledore informs Harry that he now has 4 wives, one of which is clearly male. His brain shuts down and falls into oblivion, and the narration starts describing a DreamSequence. Harry, having enough, interrupts and tells it to stop ruining his unconsciousness.
-->'''All right, all right, fine! Just don't complain to me when tragedy strikes and you're not prepared to prevent it!'''\\
Harry sighed happily, and snuggled back into the now truly completely normal oblivion.
* FanonDiscontinuity: [[invoked]] Referenced in the opening paragraph: Most fan fic seems to split off somewhere between the fifth and sixth books, due to popular consensus that this was when the series started to suck (''or'' because most of the characters would be at an acceptable age to start having sex).
* FandomSpecificPlot: the tendency of nearly ALL "Harry-in-Azkaban" stories being a rehash of ''Literature/TheCountOfMonteCristo'' is FINALLY made public.
* GenderBender: Are you really surprised?
* HilariouslyAbusiveChildhood: As part of the parody, Harry's parents may not be dead... but instead only love Daniel, who they think is the real boy who lived, and completely ignore Harry. [[spoiler:Until Daniel dies and everyone realises ''Harry'' is the true Boy Who Lived, at which point the mother suddenly puts on the blame on the dad.]] The Dursleys' abuse is also exaggerated.
-->"I don't know, Uncle Vernon. I mean, you're already allowing me only the barest minimal necessities for keeping me alive. You're also beating me on a four times a day basis, five times on Saturday since it's your day off, plus the beatings that Dudley and his friends give me whenever they feel like it. Also, I've never been allowed to properly tend to any of the wounds I've received from those beatings, so my body's probably heavily infected in multiple places right now. You killed my owl and then forced me to cook her for your supper, and then beat me because she was too salty. I could honestly die any day now of starvation, dehydration, overexertion, or a combination of all three. The jury's still out on whether or not I've contracted cancer from that toxic waste you dumped on me the other day, and let's not forget that I'm also mentally scarred, not just from all the verbal abuse I take from you three, but also from seeing my godfather, the last remaining family I have that cared about me even the slightest bit, killed right in front of me not so long ago. I can honestly say that my life sucks about as hard as is metaphorically possible already and, off the top of my head, can't think of a single way that you could make it worse short of murdering the rest of my friends in front of me."\\
\\
Vernon thought about that for a moment, making a mental note to return that toxic waste barrel to the dump before Dudley started eating it. There had to be something he could do to further torment the boy. What else did he have to live for if he couldn't fulfill such sadistic pleasures anymore?\\
\\
Then an idea came to him. "Well, what if I were to violate you sexually?"\\
\\
"...Well, there you go: that would do it," Harry said with a firm certainty.
* InnerMonologue: Dumbledore tries to do have some, but he keeps [[DidIJustSayThatOutLoud speaking aloud]].
* LovePotion: Ginny tries to give one to Harry (disguised as a butterbeer) when she finds out that he [[spoiler:is really the Boy Who Lived]]. Before that, she uses one on him as a test before she uses on Daniel; unfortunately the harpy's blood in the potion had to be Type A Positive lest the subject be poisoned instead.
* LukeIAmYourFather: Hermione turns out to be the lovechild of Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange.
* OnlySaneMan: Harry, who seems to have been living in the canonical Harry Potter world until the start of the story.
* {{Parody}}: The whole thing is a parody of ''Potter'' fan fic clichés, but one specific parody is taken at "100 Ways to Annoy Voldemort" lists by a fictional xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx. Voldemort proceeds to torture her to death.
* ParodySue: the most perfect girl ever appears in Voldemort's lair offering him a shot at redemption. Voldemort is entranced by her pretty eyes... [[spoiler: the Sue ends up dead like all the others but Voldemort [[EyeScream kept her pretty eyes to play with.]]]]
* SpitTake: Dumbledore spikes Harry's UnwantedHarem with some sort of pregnancy spell. They spew in unison.
* TakeThat: Being a mockfic, the series insults many cliches.
** One character with the mysterious name of "xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx" ends up being tortured to death when she tries to test out her list of One Hundred Ways to Totally Annoy Dark Lords on Voldemort.
--->'''xXxHarryHeartsSeverusxXx:''' Number 1: Calling you things that sound like your name, but are actually hilarious insults. For example: things like 'Voldywarts', or 'Moldyshorts', or-\\
'''Voldemort:''' Crucio.
** Ebony from ''FanFic/MyImmortal'' also winds up on Voldemort's doorstep. He is less than happy to see her.
--->"Hello, my naame iz Enoby-"\\
"Reducto!"\\
The girl stared down at the gaping hole in her torso where her vital organs used to be, then back up at him. "Whatev. Ur juts a dum prep anywayz." Then she collapsed in a dead heap.\\
Voldemort then set fire to the body, then cast a strong wind spell to scatter the ashes far and away, and went back inside.
* UnusualEuphemism:
-->'''Snape:''' Not too long after we graduated from Hogwarts, I realized what a fool I'd been in letting Lily leave me on such horrible terms. I managed to seek her out before she and James went into hiding, and [[IBangedYourMom I convinced her to forgive me.]]
-->'''Harry:''' Lovely.
-->'''Snape:''' Then she forgave me again the next morning.
-->'''Harry:''' Dude.
-->'''Snape:''' Twice.
* UnwantedHarem: Harry has one forced on him, including a boy, a generic OCStandIn, and ''many'' more.
* AWizardDidIt: Somehow Harry's twin Daniel is the direct descendant of the four Hogwarts Founders, as well as {{Merlin}}, Morgana, BabaYaga, the Scarlet Witch and the Witch of Endor.[[note]]The last of which is actually called Emma.[[/note]] The explanation why Harry isn't also a direct descendant?
-->"Magic, Harry. Magic."
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