[[http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14407/hands "Hands"]] (also found [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8465282/1/Hands here]]) is a fic by Andrew Joshua Talon, better known for the fic "FanFic/{{Progress}}".

It uses the "Human in Equestria" concept, but makes it much funnier than the usual fare.


!! This fic has examples of:

* ActionSurvivor: Andrew is a normal guy but can be surprisingly dangerous if pushed, especially if he has his weapons on him. [[spoiler:As the demon found out.]].
* ArmorPiercingQuestion: [[spoiler: Said to Chrysalis from Andrew, "Didnít you think of just... Asking for help?"]]
* AudioAdaptation: [[http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1AC27637E0924B8C Found here by multifanficaday.]]
* AwesomeButImpractical: The CMC produced three different bullets for their first gun. One shaped like the Apple family barn, one like Rainbow Dash, and one that was sort of bullet shaped.
* BerserkButton: Hurting Andrew for Twilight and Fluttershy, and vice versa.
** Rarity takes the changeling attack ruining all her hard work on the wedding dresses ''very'' badly (unfortunately for the changelings).
** Andrew attempts to use this to break Shining Armor out of his hypnosis. He does this by describing what him and Twilight, his younger sister, get up to. Cadence shyly informs him that it would take much more to get Shining to even blush.
* BigBrotherInstinct: Shining Armor ''really'' doesn't like Andrew dating Twilight.
* BigWhat: Applejack and Rarity when Andrew reveals that he gave the CMC weapons as part of the Ponyville militia response to the changelings.
* ButtMonkey: Andrew, sometimes as a result of his own doing, but mostly just due to bad luck.
* BonusMaterial: Andrew does his rough drafts on Spacebattles, naturally this has lead to a large number of omakes, world building, and possible future events posted by the forum goers there.
* CallingYourAttacks: Rainbow Dash when trying to sneak attack Chrysalis. Andrew lampshades how this defeats the purpose of a sneak attack (which fails, naturally).
* CampGay: Andrew claims his brother is so stereotypically gay that "It was like someone walked out of ''WillAndGrace'' for the sole purpose of annoying straight and gay men alike." He doesn't give any indication that he thinks less of his brother for it, though, and does claim that he misses him and the rest of his family.
* CatFight: Twilight and Fluttershy are implied to have had one while Andrew was accompanying Spike on the Dragon Migration.
* ClingyJealousGirl: Twilight mostly, but Fluttershy can and has shown this as well.
* ClusterFBomb: Chrysalis' VillainousBreakdown involves her repeatedly shouting "bullshit".
* [[spoiler: CouldHaveAvoidedThisPlot: Andrew asks why the Changelings couldn't have just asked for help with feeding rather than invading.]]
* {{Crossover}}: With "Versus Equestria", another Humans in Equestria fic.
* DenserAndWackier: Initially billed as a 'slightly more realistic take on HIE' via SliceOfLife, but [[ToneShift progressively becomes]] more and more [[{{Flanderization}} silly]].
* DistractedByTheSexy: When Twilight shows off her skill with the shape-changing spell on her friends, Andrew is notably tongue-tied.
* TheDreaded: Humans to dragons. Comes in handy when Andrew has to protect Spike from those teenage dragons bullies.
* DrJerk: Nurse Redheart, towards Andrew at least. But that's mostly because he keeps ending up in the hospital so often.
* ExactWords:
-->"Of course you won't just be going around in ''purple!''" Rarity said with a laugh. "Why, ''just purple'' would be absurd!"
* FailureIsTheOnlyOption: The CMC have done and created amazing things under Andrew's tutelage. Still no cutie marks.
* FluffyTheTerrible: Andrew takes to calling the manticore chasing him all the time "[[Franchise/StarWars Chewy]]".
* FullNameUltimatum: Twilight does this to Andrew whenever she's mad at him.
* GettingCrapPastTheRadar: Lampshaded when a changeling, just beaten up by a pissed-off Fluttershy, says Andrew has begun "corrupting" her.
-->'''Chrysalis''': I believe he already has.
-->(''beat'')
-->'''Twilight''': Was... Was that an innuendo?
* GodzillaThreshold: Despite the seriousness of the situation, played for laughs -- when warning Ponyville about the impending changeling invasion, Andrew says things are bad enough he's going to have to ''ask the CMC for help''. Played a bit more seriously when we find out this means ''giving them guns''.
** And MORTARS.
* {{Hammerspace}}: Pinkie Pie, naturally. Andrew tries to get an explanation a few times, but the inquiries just go over Pinkie's head.
* [[spoiler: HeelFaceTurn: The changelings are offered a second chance after being defeated. They take it, and Chrysalis herself ends up living with Twilight and Andrew as a "Friendship Intern".]]
* HordeOfAlienLocusts: How the changelings are interpreted here. [[spoiler: They invaded Earth at some point after Andrew ended up in Equestria, but humanity fought them off.]]
* HowWeGotHere: The royal wedding arc starts with a scene of Andrew and the Mane Six fighting through an army of invading changelings, before flashing back a couple of days. When the story catches up, Andrew helpfully points it out.
* HumansAreTheRealMonsters: At least, according to the changelings. Though their opinion is somewhat justified by the fact that [[spoiler: humanity not only fought them off but also [[EarthShatteringKaboom destroyed their Hive]].]]
** Andrew does shoot this down by pointing out that the Changelings did try to take over his species using mind control and was planning on draining all their love energy.
* HumansAreWarriors: We managed to fight off [[spoiler:, and eventually destroyed,]] the Changeling Hive, despite their having infiltrated us beforehand to try to make us less violent and more able to be conquered.
* ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne: Twilight calls Andrew an "Indecisive Cowardly Jerk."
-->'''Andrew''': Indecisive?!?
** Lampshaded by Spike.
* InSpiteOfANail: Despite Andrew's presence, several storylines have the same endings: Twilight completing the Time Loop, Fluttershy standing up to Iron Will, the Changelings being defeated... but the smaller details are often different. For example, Twilight's warning to her past self was a warning not to get worked up over... certain romantic problems, and the Changelings, while defeated once Shining Armor and Cadence work together, are [[spoiler: redeemed... somewhat...]]
* IntergenerationalFriendship: Andrew and the CMC.
* InterspeciesRomance: Andrew and Twilight. Eventually Fluttershy gets in on it.
* LeastRhymableWord: Andrew tries this on Zecora with the word "orange". She is amused by the attempt.
* LoveTriangle: Twilight/Andrew/Fluttershy.
** {{Polyamory}}: Eventually, they reluctantly decide to live in a threesome. [[spoiler: And then Chrysalis gets in on it (sorta).]]
* [[MegatonPunch Megaton Kick]]: Applejack accidentally kicks Andrew through a wall, breaking his jaw, when Granny Smith tries to help Andrew massage Applejack's stiff leg muscle. She surprised Applejack by pressing Andrew's hand onto Applejack's lower flank.
* NoodleIncident: According to Andrew, the CMC once tried to build a ''spaceship''. He doesn't elaborate, saying he doesn't think he can without descending into cursing.
* [[spoiler: OrionDrive: The human space warship ''Enterprise'' (yes, this is lampshaded in the text) uses one.]]
* {{Pirate}}: One omake has Discord setting up a pirate simulation for Pipsqueak and Luna. Things quickly get out of [[http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/119496/hands-omake-by-rift120 "hand"]].
* RageBreakingPoint: Having been teleported to the Everfree by Chrysalis, aware of the impending invasion and that his friends and girlfriends may be dead, and having spent a whole night being chased by the manticore obsessed with him, Andrew finally snaps, stands up to said manticore, screams in its face, and threatens to [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon rip out and eat its eyes]] if it doesn't help him. Either impressed or scared, it agrees.
* RememberWhenYouBlewUpASun: The Mane Six like to keep bringing up all of Andrew's adventures, whether he wants to talk about them or not.
** When Chrysalis threatens the group, Rarity points out that they've beaten Discord and Nightmare Moon, and that she's "small change" compared to that.
* RomanticComedy: Andrew's relationship's with Twilight and Fluttershy and the situations this brings.
* RunningGag: Almost every mare flirting with Andrew. Lampshaded by Pinkie.
* SelfDeprecation: According to the author, the story was meant to be a satire of Human In Equestria fics. [[TheProducers "Where did I go right?"]]
* ShipTease: Applejack and Royal Guard member Galland.
* ShoutOut: All the time, though no one ever gets Andrew's references.
** [[spoiler: The two people onboard the Enterprise whose iPhone Andrew and Twilight discover are named after the main characters from VideoGame/DeadSpace.]]
** Funnily enough, he does reference ''{{Farscape}}'', a sci-fi show where the protagonist was similarly in a fish-out-of-water situation and made frequent pop-culture jokes that none of the locals ever got.
** "If I'm crashing, I'm doing it quoting ''{{Firefly}}''."
** The character's name is "Andrew [[Franchise/MassEffect Shepard]]."
** He calls the entrance to Tartarus a [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Hellmouth.]]
*** The succubus that tries to seduce Andrew is said to look like "A pony version of Morrigan from ''Darkstalkers''."
** Andrew makes reference to ''DoctorWho'' several times, including comparing one of Rarity's outfits to something the Eighth Doctor might have worn, and saying that in a Paradox situation, one of the possible consequences is "Time Bats," which actually did happen once. Just after he says that, Twilight says that one theory of Time is that it's a TimeyWimeyBall, using the words of the TropeNamer.
*** Pinkie compares her (humanized) body to "A Big Bouncy Castle," which is what Cassandra compared Rose's body to.
** In chapter nine, he explains the plot of ''TheMagicGoesAway'' by Larry Niven to some of his friends.
** When Spike is reorganizing the library to tease Twilight, two of the books are ''[[AmericanGods Equestrian Gods]]'' and ''[[ComicBook/TheSandman Sandmare]]''.
** When observing the dragons, he compares himself to Jane Goodall and [[Series/StargateSG1 Daniel Jackson]].
** His dragon name is [[LordOfTheRings Smaug]].
** The name of the humans' primary starship is the ''[[Franchise/StarTrek Enterprise]]''.
*** After the war, more ships are made: ''[[StarWars Falcon,]]'' ''Niel Armstrong'', ''[[Franchise/MassEffect Normandy]]'', ''Colombia,'' and ''[[BattlestarGalactica Galactica.]]'' It's mentioned that other nations have other ships, but these are the only ones mentioned.
** He nicknames the manticore that chases him around "Chewy," a shout-out to StarWars.
** Andrew compares Nurse Redheart to Nurse [[OneFlewOverTheCuckoosNest Nurse Rached]]. The two of them also discuss literature, leading to Andrew bringing up ''Literature/TheCatcherInTheRye''... [[TakeThat and how bad it is, describing the protagonist as a "whiny bitch"]].
* SpeaksFluentAnimal: After confronting and finally standing up to the manticore, Andrew suddenly finds himself capable of understanding it. He doesn't know why.
* SteamPunk: Among the various reinforcements at the climax of the changeling invasion is a "steampunk version of a Stryker armored vehicle, complete with whistles and guns", with the main gun being manned by the Ponyville blacksmith.
** Although perhaps more worrying is that it's implied the drivers were the CMC!
** Andrew later amends his description, pointing out that the gas engine detracts from the steampunk style.
* SwordAndGun: Spike is briefly shown armed this way when he shows up with TheCavalry to fight off the changelings.
* TheTease: The rest of the Mane Six tend to fake flirt with Andrew just to mess with his head.
** Chrysalis is this by definition. [[spoiler: ''Especially'' once she moves in with Andrew and Twilight.]]
* TemptingFate: Andrew is savvy to this trope, and tries to avoid it. When he ''does'' slip up, however, he tries to reassure himself by saying that if it's written down or thought rather than said out loud, it doesn't count.
* ThereWasADoor: Cadence makes a comment to this effect when the cavalry smashes through a wall.
* TyrannosaurusRex: Fluttershy faces down one in chapter 2.
* VillainousBreakdown: Chrysalis, upon Shining Armor breaking free of her control.
* VoluntaryShapeshifting: Twilight creates a spell that transforms ponies into humans. She refines it over the course of the story, going from merely being anthropomorphized ponies to being practically indistinguishable from real humans, barring wings or horns depending on what race they were prior, of course.
** Twilight eventually learns to perform the reverse on Andrew.
* WallOfWeapons: Andrew has a chest full of guns and at least one flamethrower. All made by the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
* WeCanRuleTogether: Chrysalis offers Andrew to serve her and help take over Equestria. He naturally refuses, and she just as naturally doesn't take it well.
* WeirdnessCensor: After a while, Andrew stops letting the weird, crazy stuff that happens to him get to him.
* WhamLine: A militarized [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dream_Chaser Dream Chaser]] spacecraft makes a one-way trip to Equestria, its pilot mortally wounded, shortly before the changeling attack. [[spoiler: It's mentioned to have traces of "some unusual isotopes" clinging to the hull plating. "We were only able to replicate them by induced nuclear fusion and fission in some alchemic experiments..."]]
* WorthyOpponent: According to Fluttershy, this is why that manticore keeps chasing Andrew. He's less than flattered.
* XMeetsY: Andrew is like a self-insert version of [[{{Farscape}} John Chriton]] meets [[MassEffect Commander Shepard]].
* YouAreWorthHell: When Andrew goes to Tarturus looking for Twilight.
* YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe: Andrew says this almost word-for-word when, fleeing from the manticore in the Everfree, he finds an opening back to Ponyville... only to find himself on top of a large cliff.