!Spider Jerusalem
Famous Outlaw Journalist.

* BaldOfAwesome: Spider loses all hair on his body in an accident with a shower. (although the artists don't always remember.)
* CheshireCatGrin: ''TheJoker'' might be unnerved by Spider's. Then again, the Joker might also be unnerved by Spider's typical drug intake.
* ClusterFBomb
* CoolShades: Spider Jerusalem's trademark camera shades with the mismatched lenses. Bonus points by being created, by accident, by a sentient nanotech manufacturing AI that was ''stoned out of its goddamned mind''. Even he came to think they were so cool that when he lost them, another set was made for him with the same mismatched lenses.
** FashionableAsymmetry
** MakingASpectacleOfYourself
* GonzoJournalism: He is based on Creator/HunterSThompson, after all.
* GoodIsNotNice: If we can even call him good. Maybe by comparison.
* {{Jerkass}}
** JerkWithAHeartOfGold: Glimmers of it under the Jerkass exterior, but they're generally far enough between that any kind of genuine empathy, remorse, or gratitude from Spider comes as a shock.
* IntrepidReporter: He's gone so far for a story as to use an experimental teleporter to interview the Smiler's wife.
* VitriolicBestBuds: The only relationships he has that aren't this are with Vita Severn, Mary and Oscar Rossini. However, his relationship with Mitchell Royce is a standout. The two have yelled at, bullied, threatened and degraded each other over many years (we know that Spider has gotten Royce infected with at least one extremely painful STD, and Royce at one point forced Spider to write a column at gunpoint), but when Spider slips off the net to avoid the police, knowing they may never speak again, his last words to Royce are:
--> Goodbye, old friend. You always did right by me.
* WalkingShirtlessScene: Only dons any kind of clothing that covers his full upper body on very rare occasions, usually when he's either getting very serious or very crazy. [[spoiler: Or feeling cold from Info-pollen degeneration.]]

!Channon Yarrow
A former stripper, she is Spider's first assistant. Later she works as his bodyguard.

* ActionGirl: After her sabbatical.
* AmazonianBeauty: Channon is very tall and cut, but she's also drop-dead gorgeous.
* Badass
* BodyguardBabes
* BoobsOfSteel: Much more voluptuous and action-oriented than Yelena, though it's implied they're fake.
* DeadpanSnarker: You've GOT to be one of those to be able to stand working with Spider for any given length of time.
* HeroicBSOD: Following her boyfriend dumping her, aided in part by the fact that immediately afterward he went Foglet, trading in his human body to become a sentient cloud of nanomachines.
* StatuesqueStunner
* {{Stripperiffic}}: Quite often.

!Yelena Rossini
Spider's second assistant and Royce's niece ([[spoiler:only not really]]). An aspiring journalist and writer.

* [[ACupAngst A-Cup Angst]]: She claims that for her to fill out the kinds of dresses that look good on Channon she'd "need to be shot in the back by two cruise missiles" first. Which, given Channon's rather more spectacular figure, doesn't necessarily mean much. Still, Yelena seems to have a preference for wearing clothes that understate her figure, seemingly so as not to call attention to it.
* DeadpanSnarker: See Channon's entry.
* HasAType: It's implied a few times that Yelena's type is older, bald men [[spoiler:like Spider]].

!Mitchell Royce
Spider's constantly troubled editor.

* CatchPhrase: "Where's my fucking column?!"
* DaEditor: The best in the business.
* DeadpanSnarker: [[RunningGag See Yelena's entry.]]
* HonoraryUncle: Even after Yelena reveals she's not really his niece and he only told Spider she is to stop him messing with her too badly, she still sometimes calls him "Uncle Mitch".
* OOCIsSeriousBusiness: How Spider knows something has gone down? Royce misses his trademark CatchPhrase in a phonecall.
* PrecisionFStrike: He generally reserves them for his calls with Spider, when he demands to know where his column is.
-->''[[{{Angrish}} My. Where. Column. Fucking. Is.]]''
** Inverted once, when Royce opens a phone call without asking for the column or swearing, foreshadowing that things have just gone FromBadToWorse.
* TookALevelInBadass: After "Two-Fisted Editor", you will never look at Royce the same way again. [[spoiler: To sum things up, Spider's sources get knocked out after a (man-made) natural disaster. Royce turns out to have seen it coming and made private back-ups, and then beats, threatens and blackmails three people to fill in the gaps. Then he plonks the copies down in front of Spider, laughs in his face and goes on a bender of epic proportions - [[RefugeInAudacity charged to his company expense account]].]]
* VitriolicBestBuds: With Spider.

!President "The Beast"
The President of the United States. Despite being corrupt, he managed to maintain the presidency for two terms before the comic began.

* AtLeastIAdmitIt: He fully admits to being an awful human being, but compares himself favorably to Callahan because Callahan is at least as bad but tries to hide it.
* BerserkButton: The Beast puts up with a lot of shit from Spider with an almost admirable amount of restraint, but when Spider continues to insist he doesn't believe in anything, he loses his temper (apparently he hates being called a liar when he's actually being honest).
-->'''The Beast:''' I said before: just because you don't like what I believe in doesn't mean I have no beliefs.
-->'''Spider:''' Don't give me that. You don't-
-->'''The Beast:''' Shut up. You call me a liar to my face again, I'll fucking glass you.
* CassandraTruth: As awful as he is, the way he describes Gary Callahan? If anything, he's actually restrained in describing how amoral and ruthless Callahan is. Nobody pays attention.
* {{Expy}}: Very clearly based on RichardNixon.
* EvenEvilHasStandards: The Beast believes that the president cannot be reasonably expected to do anything more domestically than make sure 50% plus 1 of the population are doing all right. As long as that's true, then he's done his job. However, he at least believes in that much; he claims Callahan believes in nothing but that he should be president.
* EverybodyCallsHimBarkeep: Or rather, everyone calls him "The Beast" - even his own children.

!Senator Gary "The Smiler" Callahan
One of the candidates running against The Beast for president.

* BigBad
* CheshireCatGrin: TheJoker might ''run'' from his.
* KarmaHoudini: [[spoiler:Discussed in the epilogue, where nobody's quite sure what's going to happen to him. On the one hand, he's buying off most of the charges against him, and some especially depraved souls are actually funding him. On the other hand, there's so many people out for his blood that he may well eventually run out of money, at which point all signs indicate that he will be subjected to Very Bad Things. Even if he does survive, he doesn't get to be President any more, which is the only thing he ever desired.]]
* PresidentEvil
* SlasherSmile: As the wheels begin to come off his [[spoiler:presidential administration, largely because of Spider's interference, he graduates to one of these.]]
* StepfordSmiler: It's where his nickname comes from.

!Oscar Rossini
Yelena's father, a rich, upper-class man formerly heavily involved in politics.

* BaldOfAwesome: Has exactly the same number of hairs on his dome as Spider and is just as awesome.
* CoolOldGuy: So cool he's one of only two characters in the series Spider never shows anything other than absolute respect to (the other being Mary).
* DeadpanSnarker: One of the things that makes him cool; despite looking like a stuffy, upper-crust gentleman he knows when not to be so serious.
-->'''Oscar:''' '''' So like her mother, my Yelena. She was an awkward bitch too, you understand.
* GoodFeelsGood: When Spider asks Oscar why he wants Spider and his assistants to use his home as their new base of operations, the first reason he gives is "Because I miss doing the right thing."