!Spider Jerusalem
Famous Outlaw Journalist.

* BaldOfAwesome: Spider loses all hair on his body in an accident with a shower. (although the artists don't always remember.)
* CheshireCatGrin: ''TheJoker'' might be unnerved by Spider's. Then again, the Joker might also be unnerved by Spider's typical drug intake.
* ClusterFBomb
* CoolShades: Spider Jerusalem's trademark camera shades with the mismatched lenses. Bonus points by being created, by accident, by a sentient nanotech manufacturing AI that was ''stoned out of its goddamned mind''. Even he came to think they were so cool that when he lost them, another set was made for him with the same mismatched lenses.
** FashionableAsymmetry
** MakingASpectacleOfYourself
* GonzoJournalism: He is based on Creator/HunterSThompson, after all.
* GoodIsNotNice: If we can even call him good. Maybe by comparison.
* {{Jerkass}}
** JerkWithAHeartOfGold: Glimmers of it under the Jerkass exterior, but they're generally far enough between that any kind of genuine empathy, remorse, or gratitude from Spider comes as a shock.
* IntrepidReporter: He's gone so far for a story as to use an experimental teleporter to interview the Smiler's wife.
* WalkingShirtlessScene: Only dons any kind of clothing that covers his full upper body on very rare occasions, usually when he's either getting very serious or very crazy.

!Channon Yarrow
A former stripper, she is Spider's first assistant. Later she works as his bodyguard.

* ActionGirl: After her sabbatical.
* AmazonianBeauty: Channon is very tall and cut, but she's also drop-dead gorgeous.
* Badass
* BodyguardBabes
* BoobsOfSteel: Much more voluptuous and action-oriented than Yelena, though it's implied they're fake.
* DeadpanSnarker: You've GOT to be one of those to be able to stand working with Spider for any given length of time.
* HeroicBSOD: Following her boyfriend dumping her, aided in part by the fact that immediately afterward he went Foglet, trading in his human body to become a sentient cloud of nanomachines.
* StatuesqueStunner
* {{Stripperiffic}}: Quite often.

!Yelena Rossini
Spider's second assistant and Royce's niece ([[spoiler:only not really]]). An aspiring journalist and writer.

* [[ACupAngst A-Cup Angst]]: She claims that for her to fill out the kinds of dresses that look good on Channon she'd "need to be shot in the back by two cruise missiles" first. Which, given Channon's rather more spectacular figure, doesn't necessarily mean much. Still, Yelena seems to have a preference for wearing clothes that understate her figure, seemingly so as not to call attention to it.
* DeadpanSnarker: See Channon's entry.

!Mitchell Royce
Spider's constantly troubled editor.

* CatchPhrase: "Where's my fucking column?!"
* DaEditor: The best in the business.
* DeadpanSnarker: [[RunningGag See Yelena's entry.]]
* OOCIsSeriousBusiness: How Spider knows something has gone down? Royce misses his trademark CatchPhrase in a phonecall.
* PrecisionFStrike: He generally reserves them for his calls with Spider, when he demands to know where his column is.
-->''[[{{Angrish}} My. Where. Column. Fucking. Is.]]''
** Inverted once, when Royce opens a phone call without asking for the column or swearing, foreshadowing that things have just gone FromBadToWorse.

!President "The Beast"
The President of the United States. Despite being corrupt, he managed to maintain the presidency for two terms before the comic began.

* {{Expy}}: Very clearly based on RichardNixon.
* EvenEvilHasStandards: The Beast believes that the president cannot be reasonably expected to do anything more domestically than make sure 50% plus 1 of the population are doing all right. As long as that's true, then he's done his job. However, he at least believes in that much; he claims Callahan believes in nothing but that he should be president.
* EverybodyCallsHimBarkeep: Or rather, everyone calls him "The Beast" - even his own children.

!Senator Gary "The Smiler" Callahan
One of the candidates running against The Beast for president.

* BigBad
* [[spoiler:KarmaHoudini]]: [[spoiler:Discussed in the epilogue, where nobody's quite sure what's going to happen to him. On the one hand, he's buying off most of the charges against him, and some especially depraved souls are actually funding him. On the other hand, there's so many people out for his blood that he may well eventually run out of money, at which point all signs indicate that he will be subjected to Very Bad Things.]]
* [[spoiler:PresidentEvil]]
* StepfordSmiler: It's where his nickname comes from.
** CheshireCatGrin: TheJoker might ''run'' from his.
*** SlasherSmile: As the wheels begin to come off his [[spoiler:presidential administration, largely because of Spider's interference, he graduates to one of these.]]