--> ''When I started S*P, all the characters were meant to represent a friend everyone had. Davan's the hard-to-like friend who, while trying, WILL be there for you. Aubrey's the friend who tests your limits. [=PeeJee=] is the friend who acts tougher than she probably is and cares a little too much. Scotty's the friend you lose and you never understand why.''
--> Randy Milholland

!!Davan [=MacIntire=]

-->The main character and AuthorAvatar, representing Milholland when he was a younger man. Davan is snide, sarcastic and takes most of life with an uncaring, unsympathetic nature, which often gets him into trouble. Still, he cares deeply for his friends and family, despite his cynical nature.
--> Randy's own words on the subject: "Near the end of the first year. I realized quickly I didn't want this comic to be autobiography. Even when it started, Davan wasn't who I was then - he was who I'd been a few years before and, I should add, someone I didn't like (I find it funny when detractors claim Davan is who I think people should be and is "cool" - it proves they've never spoken to me or done a bit of research. Davan's an asshole and a lot of the misery he's gone through, he brought on himself)."

* AuthorAvatar: From a time in Randy's life when he was especially cynical and dreary.
* BerserkButton: Never sass Mister Peppermint around Davan.
* ComedicSociopathy: He makes fun of all his closest friends.
* DeadpanSnarker: His chronic, over-arching trait, and one that bothered many people, including then-girlfriends Eva and Celie.
* TheEeyore
* [[HardDrinkingPartyGirl Hard Drinking Party Guy]]: Back in the early days of the strip, he was much worse. He has stated that his combined German, Irish and Native America heritage makes it literally impossible for him to allow alcohol to be wasted.
* IgnoredEnemy: Ollie Pompey, the badly abused nephew of the late (and horrifyingly nasty) theatre director Avagadro Pompey, really, really hates Davan, to the point of wanting to destroy him. Davan hadn't realized this, and mostly found it pathetic when he found out.
* InformedDeformity: Women in the strip used to react as if he was the ugliest human being alive, despite him being drawn in a rather ordinary fashion. This plays into his status as the AuthorAvatar--Randy himself doesn't like his appearance.
* IWantMyBelovedToBeHappy: When perfect-girlfriend Branwen gets a dream job offer, Davan tells her to take it.
* {{Jerkass}}: Randy specifically calls him out on a lot of it. Eventually evolves into a JerkWithAHeartOfGold.
* KavorkaMan: For an ugly dude, Davan has slept with upwards of six or seven hot women since the strip began ten years ago.
* LawOfInversePaternity: Played with; Davan didn't want to be Rory's father, but was at least willing to step up if he was, unlike the other candidate. Davan wound up becoming his ParentalSubstitute even after finding out he wasn't the dad, and admits that in retrospect he wishes he had been the father after all.
* LikeBrotherAndSister: With Aubrey.
* LimitedWardrobe: He can wear various things, but he generally wears work shirts from his father's old job in a helicopter factory.
* LookingForLoveInAllTheWrongPlaces: A recurring trend is for Davan to meet up with women who inevitably turn out insane. At least Branwen and Vanessa are ''comedically'' nuts.
* NoGoodDeedGoesUnpunished
* ParentalSubstitute: To Rory, to the point where Rory actually considers Davan his dad.
* PlatonicLifePartners: With [=PeeJee=].
* StrongFamilyResemblance: Davan clearly takes after his dad.
* [[spoiler:TheyDo]]: With Vanessa, at the end of 2013.
* {{Troll}}: Especially when working together with Jason.
* VitriolicBestBuds: Pretty much the nature of the comic. They all prank and tease each other mercilessly.
* WriteWhatYouKnow: Davan used to work for [=MedicAid=], doing the same work Randy did before his webcomic really took off- billing poor people for ambulance fees.

!!Penelope Jennifer "[=PeeJee=]" Shou

--> A Canadian girl who moved down to Boston to meet up with some online friends, [=PeeJee=] is a devoted pal to the others. She's much like Aubrey, but far more emotional and liable to feel sympathy, or the need to cry. Randy has stated that she represents "those friends who aren't quite as tough as they seem". One of her key early traits was a huge crush on gay cast member Jhim. Despite the vitriolic nature of most of the characters, they openly felt sorry for her.

* CollectorOfTheStrange: Her new hobby is looking for the most fucked up sites possible, having filled up four external hard drives worth of 'em.
-->Vanessa: I have seen suicidal notes less depressing than this.
-->[=PeeJee=]: Oh, really? Are there any suicide notes that mention cool sites involving Russian amputee mail order brides?
-->Vanessa: I dunno. Are there?
-->[=PeeJee=]: ...Yes. Sixty-three. They're on hard drive two.
* FagHag
* GenreSavvy
* KaleidoscopeHair: For a long time, Peejee would have constantly changing hair, until Randy got tired of changing it.
* KnightInSourArmor
* TheNotLoveInterest
* PlatonicLifePartners: With Davan.
* VitriolicBestBuds: With everyone.
* WhyDidItHaveToBeSnakes: [=PeeJee=] has a fear of puppets, and breaks Aubrey's hand with a hammer when Aubrey sneaks up behind her with a handpuppet.
* YaoiFangirl: Obsessed with gay men to the point of it being a large running gag.
* YouGottaHaveBlueHair: Or purple, or pink, or...

!!Aubrey Chorde

--> Davan's best friend from childhood, and completely platonic. She's the devious schemer of the group, and rarely gets overly-sympathetic or mushy. She's based off of Randy's own best friend from childhood, anime voice actress Clarine Harp.

* AbuseIsOkayWhenItsFemaleOnMale: She & [=PeeJee=] got away with this ''a lot''.
* HappilyMarried: To Jason.
* {{Jerkass}}: One of the most malicious cast members.
* LikeBrotherAndSister: With Davan.
* NightmareFetishist
* RelationshipUpgrade: With Jason.
* VitriolicBestBuds: Possibly the nastiest of the whole crew.
* WriteWhoYouKnow: Anime voiceover actress Clarine Harp, herself one of Randy's friends from childhood in Texas.

!!Jason Chorde (né Pratchett)
--> A jovial fat guy who was an early acting friend of the gang, and stuck around in all later arcs. Probably the smartest of the gang, and most manipulative. He's the most committed to his schemes (such as the catgirl webcomic).

* BiggusDickus: Women have retracted in fear from it.
* HappilyMarried: To Aubrey.
* KavorkaMan: Despite his obesity, he has a mathematical program designed for easy short-term dating success (ie. hook-ups).
* RelationshipUpgrade: With Aubrey.
* {{Troll}}: Especially when working together with Davan.
* WriteWhoYouKnow: Jason is based off of one of Randy's friends from his acting days in Boston, who still runs part of his website.

!!Kharisma Valetti
--> An early recurring antagonist, Kharisma was a high-and-mighty actress with a love for money, and a hatred for the ugly little people (like Davan). After doing many horrible things to many people, she met with a few PetTheDog moments by giving Davan some much needed advice about quitting his job. Then she got into a murder pact with Avagodro Pompey, got arrested, got broken out of jail, and now she's on the run with a possibly-real physic manifestation of annoyance called Fluffmodeus.

* ActionSurvivor
* AlphaBitch
* AssholeVictim: Horrible things happening to a horrible person.
* TheBrainlessBeauty
* CharacterDevelopment: Went from a stupid RichBitch to a more sympathetic (but possibly insane) fugitive, and has settled into a life doing sketchy odd jobs under the name Nancy in a vague rural location.
* TheChewToy: Said sketchy odd jobs include freelance collections agent/legbreaker and babysitter for stupid druggies. This is after getting framed for a murder she was going to commit anyway but didn't have a chance to, scorching her own face with an AerosolFlamethrower, spending time in jail, and finding out that the benefactor that helped her out of prison was an anti-stuffed-animal-cruelty vigilante.
* LaserGuidedKarma
* PetTheDog: She did this a few times, mainly to Davan.
* RichBitch
* SleepingWithTheBoss: Kharisma makes no secret that she'll sleep with anyone for advancement (and is later fired without ceremony when the boss' fetish goes from redheads to blondes), while Monette is accused of this by an older, uglier coworker.
--> '''Co-worker:''' At least all that lying on your back must have done wonders for your posture.
--> '''Monette:''' Well, seeing as your method gave you bad knees and rancid breath, I figured I'd do it differently.
* WriteWhoYouKnow: Early Kharisma material was derived from a woman who was friends with Randy until she saw a picture of him and declared him not attractive enough to stay her friend.

!!Monette [=MacIntire=] (formerly Donnelly)

--> Initially a recurring annoyance, the idiotic Monette would foolishly attempt to become a lesbian, despite her sucking "a whole mess of dick", according to Davan. Eventually, she randomly moved to Texas to hang out with Davan's parents, and ended up getting ''adopted'' by them, becoming a family member. She eventually became a ''real'' lesbian after hooking up with girlfriend Lisa, and moved to West Hollywood to appear in a bad UPN sitcom.

* BiTheWay
* CharacterDevelopment: From comedic ButtMonkey slut character to a worthy cast member with her own foibles and rare instances of insight.
* DeadpanSnarker: Develops shades of this as time goes on, possibly from exposure to Davan's parents. In fact, one of her first reveals of this side causes Dahlia to respond "Welcome to the family."
* TheDitz: Especially at first.
* HilariouslyAbusiveChildhood: While the consequences of her terribly neglectful father have been played a bit more seriously, the exaggerated level of this neglect has been used for BlackComedy.
* ObfuscatingStupidity: PlayedForLaughs.
* WhatHappenedToTheMouse: Infamously miscarried off-panel, leaving fans going nutty.

!!Mike Dowden
--> An antagonistic, whiny nerd, Mike was obsessive and whiny, always insisted on being right, and made "friends" with girls in hopes of seducing them. Basically, he was Randy's version of a lot of needy, misogynistic geeks who chase after women. Eventually he made real efforts to change, found a girl, had a baby... and then broke down again, chasing some friends off. Usually, if the plot requires some regular character to [[StrawCharacter be wrong]], it'll be Mike. He's still sometimes sympathetic, but he's usually the universe's ButtMonkey.

* ButtMonkey: The strip's biggest recurring example. He gets a ''lot'' of beatings.
* CharacterDevelopment: Has gotten much better over the years, to the point where he could currently be considered one of the ''nicest'' characters in the strip. Is now a legitimate superhero (of the "real superheroes" variety).
* TheChewToy
* CosmicPlaything: A couple of strips have shown God actively plotting to fuck with him.
* TheFriendNobodyLikes: How he's introduced; it's not clear at first why anyone would hang out with a {{Jerkass}} like him.
* JerkassHasAPoint: One of the major signs of Mike's improvement involved this - Peejee was becoming increasingly angry at work because her boss' new girlfriend was blatantly and unapologetically racist (particularly towards Asians like Peejee). Aubrey called a meeting to reveal a plan to mollify Peejee, and Mike objected due to it not solving the underlying problem. For one, it showed Mike showing genuine concern for another person with no angle towards himself. For another, it showed that everyone else agreed with him, only disagreeing if the distraction was useful as a stopgap measure - they were treating him as an equal and friend.
* {{Munchkin}}
* NiceGuy[=/=]NiceGuysFinishLast: Subverted heavily — a major point of Milholland's (and Davan's) is that a lot of supposed "Nice Guys" are actually self-involved, self-pitying jerks like Mike, who are actually quite selfish, and only after most girls because of their looks (something they hypocritically accuse the girls of doing with the "jerks" they go out with). And that said "Nice Guys" often pretend to be girls' friends just to potentially seduce them later, while pining over them like stalkers, none of which is "nice" behavior at all.
** However, after his CharacterDevelopment he now has a girlfriend, a baby, and the respect of his friends (well, as close to respect as Davan, Aubrey, et al can actually express) for his superhero career.
* NonPoweredCostumedHero: He becomes this to an extreme. His daily heroics as Pythagorean include helping people with their groceries, finding lost pets and generally just being a nice guy and he is well loved by the community at large for it.
* ObliviousToLove: His total lack of self esteem and inexperience with any kind of flirting, despite being ''married'' makes him unable to tell the multiple women (and at least one man) giving him their phone numbers were flirting with him.
* StrawLoser
* TookALevelInBadass: The eventual result of his superhero career, much to everyone's astonishment (particularly his own).
* WriteWhoYouKnow: Mike is an amalgamation of two people Randy knew -- both misogynistic whiny geeks. One person got better from that phase, while another got worse. Luckily for Mike, he seems to be following the example of the one who got better.

!!Jhim Midgett

--> Ironically, Jhim, the only recurring gay male character, is the Straight Man of the group, often rejecting the bizarre habits and statements of the others. He tended to get dragged into whatever crazy thing the rest of the gang was doing. He left Boston after a couple years of the strip after several failed relationships (one to a heavily-closeted man with a wife and son), and only returned when Davan left, making him a ''very'' rarely-recurring character. He's proven to be a bit of an EnsembleDarkhorse, being one of the most-requested characters for the "Old Familiar Faces" arcs.

* OutOfFocus: He used to be one of the main cast, and now more than a year often goes by between appearances.
* ShipperOnDeck: For Davan/[=PeeJee=].
* StraightGay: Despite joining a dance troupe and being into theatre.
* StraightMan
* WriteWhoYouKnow: Based off of a real-life person of the same name, and a friend of Randy's.

!!Fred [=MacIntire=]
--> Davan's cranky, sarcastic father. It's fairly clear which parent Davan takes after.

* CoolOldGuy
* DisabilityAsAnExcuseForJerkassery: As a young boy, he was admitted to a hospital for an ear infection, where he was antagonized at every turn by a boy in a wheelchair. Eventually, Fred and his friends team up to scare him and teach him a lesson... [[spoiler: whereupon it is revealed that the boy is in the hospital for a heart condition, and the shock of the scare ends up killing him.]]
** And, not that he feels the need to make excuses, but Fred ''relishes'' being diagnosed with Alzheimer's because of the opportunities it allows him to fuck with people.
* GrumpyOldMan
* KnightInSourArmor
* ScrewPolitenessImASenior

!!Dahlia [=MacIntire=]

-->Davan's older sister. She was partially paralyzed in a car accident about 10 years before the start of the series (she uses either a walker or a wheelchair, depending on the situation).

* ActionGirl: She was very athletic before the crash.
* BerserkButton: Being treated as InspirationallyDisadvantaged.
* DeadpanSnarker / DisabledSnarker
* DisabilityAsAnExcuseForJerkassery: This is her on a bad day. It's only exacerbated by the people who think that [[DisabledMeansHelpless "disabled" = "incapable"]].
* {{Meganekko}}
* StrongFamilyResemblance: Looks pretty much like a female Davan.
* SuperWheelchair: She attaches a cowcatcher for shopping during the Christmas rush.

!!Vanessa
--> Davan's girlfriend upon his move back to Texas. She's a quirky, short bisexual girl who is a lot more innocent than the usual S*P character, making her quite unique to this world.

* BiTheWay
* BunnyEarsLawyer / {{CloudCuckoolander}}: For example, there'll be days where she just walks around in a kaiju outfit like someone wearing a t-shirt and jeans.
* CovertPervert
* FlirtyStepsiblings: Inverted; her first heterosexual romance was with an acquaintance who would later become her stepbrother. Awkwardness ensued.
* TheCutie
* TheIngenue: Has shades of this.
* [[spoiler:TheyDo]]: At the end of 2013.