!! Lance Galahad
-> The computer fixit who was tricked by Dr. Neurosis into fixing the computer. All doesn't go well when Lance calls the MadScientist "average", and now he's on the run from the BigBad's minion Fritz as he finds a way to the doc himself. Lance is an avid video game junkie, and a bit of a smart mouth.

Voiced by Riccardo Durante.

* AirGuitar: [[spoiler:Lance does this in a victory pose after defeating Dr. Neurosis and watching his lair explode.]]
* AwesomeMcCoolname: Anyone named Lance [[Myth/KingArthur Galahad]] is destined for greatness.
* BadassArmFold: Lance makes a pose like this in resurrection scenes [[spoiler:and in the final confrontation, showing that he is brave in the face of certain death]].
* BadassNormal: He's fighting against a bunch of monsters, witches, vampires, and even against a giant statue! Badass Normal indeed!
* BlowingARaspberry: While taunting Moose from the top of the basketball net:
-->'''Lance:''' ''[shouts]'' Hey, looking for me, stitch-lips? ''[blows a raspberry with his tongue]''
** This also occurs in one death scene in the acid fountain when he dodges the spray of acid and acts all "Missed me!" as he blows a raspberry... before another spray of acid hits his face.
* BoundAndGagged: Actually, more "gagged" than "bound", at Vivi's salon. And he will remain that way until you choose the facial.
* {{Catchphrase}}: "Hiya, pal."
* DeadlyDodging: [[spoiler: How he manages to defeat both the twin witches ''and'' Neurosis and Fritz.]]
* DiesWideOpen: In some of the death scenes.
* DistractedByTheSexy: Lance falls victim to this... but only for a short while, as Vivi stuffs his mouth with his baseball cap right after seducing him.
* DistressedDude: When he is captured by Vivi for use in a painful "makeover".
* FourFingeredHands: Lance has them by example, along with other characters.
* GuileHero: He's smarter than pretty much everyone in the castle. Most of the boss fights involve Lance running away while outwitting his enemies with quick thinking.
* KidHero: Lance can be this, since it is implied that he is in his teens, around 16 or 17 years old at the most.
* LongHairedPrettyBoy: Lance Galahad, oh so much.
* LoudGulp: When Lance is fighting the ghosts.
* MeaningfulName: Lance's last name, Galahad, has an English origin that means "pure, noble and selfless", and named after one of King Arthur's Knights of the Round Table.
* {{Mooning}}: [[spoiler:One of Lance's cool dance moves in the final confrontation. Except that his hairy butt is just... {{squick}}y.]]
* MrFixit: In the intro. [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness Unfortunately, this may not end well...]]
* NeverBareheaded: Averted in Vivi's Salon, when Vivi grabs Lance's [[NiceHat baseball cap]] and uses it as a [[BoundAndGagged gag]] to ensure that he can't scream during the painful "makeover".
** Also averted in some death scenes.
* NiceHat
** MadeOfIndestructium: His baseball cap can withstand ANYTHING in death scenes ([[HatDamage except in cases of fire or electric shock]]). And it must have been made out of a very special fabric that can withstand acid and sharp objects.
* OhCrap: Lance gets this look in the intro when he discovers that he has put Neurosis' "rage" in our hero's "average" and that Fritz is ordered to [[DisproportionateRetribution kill him for calling the mad scientist "average"]].
* OneHitPointWonder: When it comes to {{Family Unfriendly Death}}s, Lance fits this trope down to a T.
* [[spoiler:PowerWalk: Lance has a pretty badass one when entering Dr. Neurosis's quarters.]]
* SignificantGreenEyedRedhead
* [[spoiler:TakeThatKiss: Lance makes one, coupled with a BadassArmFold, to show Fritz that he is not afraid and to dare him to give it all he's got, though our hero is still brave in the face of certain death.]]
* [[spoiler:TiredOfRunning: In the final confrontation with Dr. Neurosis, Lance is faced by Fritz, who wants to unleash TriggerHappy terror upon him by unloading every weapon he's got. Of course, Lance can have a choice of running away again by pressing right first or by pressing left twice, but that would only waste more time in endless chasing. The solution? Lance has to move left once, and then right, in order to show Fritz and Neurosis that our hero is tired of running away, then makes a BadassArmFold and a TakeThatKiss to show that he is not afraid and is ready for one more challenge that awaits him.]]
* TotallyRadical
* TraumaticHaircut[=/=]DangerouslyCloseShave: In one death scene, Vivi gives him one of the "OffWithHisHead" variety, when she uses the SinisterScythe to chop off his long red hair and also his head.
* TheTrickster
* [[spoiler: AWinnerIsYou: After watching the explosion in Dr. Neurosis' castle, Lance says, "Cool! Back to work!" then makes an AirGuitar of victory and drives away in his truck.]]
* YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness: Half the reason why Neurosis wants Lance dead. The other half being that Lance called Neurosis an "average mad scientist".

!! Dr. Nero Neurosis
-> A gigantic brain who was planning on taking over the world. However, during the beginning of the game, the computer breaks down, so he 'hires' Lance to fix it. When he is to get rid of Lance, he calls the MadScientist "[[BerserkButton average]]", prompting him to command Fritz to finish him off. When Lance escapes, he awaits as Lance confronts him. [[spoiler: As soon as he does, he tricks Fritz into firing him, then causes Fritz to fall into Neurosis' tank, and Lance "flushes" the two from one of the controls.]]

Voiced by Dave Quesnelle.

* BerserkButton: "AVERAGE?!"
* BigBad: Of the FiveBadBand.
* [[spoiler:BigNo: On noticing that Fritz has been tricked into completely damaging his computer and machinery after Lance defeats him; this is followed by the BigBad's shout of "Fritz, you imbecile!"]]
* BrainInAJar
* EvilIsHammy: Whenever he gets irritated or scared.
* [[spoiler:EvilIsNotWellLit: In the final confrontation.]]
* [[spoiler:HoistByHisOwnPetard: He gets defeated by his own plans to kill Lance thanks to our hero's trickery on Fritz.]]
* [[spoiler:LoadBearingBoss]]
* MadScientist: ''Duh!'' Lampshaded by Lance.
* MeaningfulName: The first name of Dr. Nero Neurosis has a Latin origin that means "powerful", named after the Roman Emperor Nero; and his last name is derived from a mental disorder, less severe than psychosis, marked by anxiety or fear. No wonder this mad scientist wants to rule the world with an iron fist.
* MorallyAmbiguousDoctorate
* TheNameIsBondJamesBond: He introduces himself to Lance in this manner after getting his computer fixed in the intro.
* RantInducingSlight: Neurosis goes into a rage when Lance calls him "average."
* SayMyName: Dr. Neurosis tends to shout out Fritz's name, [[spoiler:especially in the final confrontation]].
* TakeOverTheWorld: Dr. Neurosis' overall plan. This is [[LampshadeHanging one of the things mocked by Lance]].
* YouKnowWhatToDo: Spoken to Fritz in the intro when describing his plan to [[YouHaveOutlivedYourUsefulness kill Lance after fixing his computer]].

!! Fritz
->Fritz is a hunchbacked little imp with hooks for hands, who carries an array of deadly gadgets that he uses to kill Lance. His apparent lack of brains doesn't prevent him from being a lethal adversary. Lance is pursued by him throughout the game. He is Dr. Neurosis' "pet" and diligently follows all orders given to him.

Voiced by Joe Giampapa, though Fritz doesn't speak in any languages at all, but only in grunts and gibberish.

* ButtMonkey: He suffers through a lot of slapstick thanks to Lance, and this doesn't improve his demeanor at all.
* DeathFromAbove: How Fritz launches an attack on Lance from the top of the main entryway.
* {{Determinator}}: Insanely so. Fritz will chase Lance for the entire adventure, and he is always five seconds behind.
* TheDragon: Of the FiveBadBand.
* EyeScream: At the beginning of the game, Lance pokes Fritz's eyes, prompting him to cover them... too bad that he has {{Hook Hand}}s.
* FireBreathingWeapon[=/=]KillItWithFire: Fritz uses the flamethrower to charbroil Lance's head in one death scene. And as if that wasn't enough, the imp reappears to blow on the charbroiled skull, rendering it like dust in the wind.
* [[spoiler:HardHead: During the confrontation on the [[ItsAllUpstairsFromHere stairs]], Lance uses [[DropTheHammer a big, strong iron hammer]] to whack Fritz on the head, which only makes him suffer a minor concussion until he gets up and chases him again.]]
* [[spoiler:HoistByHisOwnPetard: During the stairs sequence, after Fritz gets hit by a SuperRugPull and loses his weapons, Lance can steal his weapons to use against him, including at least [[DropTheHammer two hammers]].]]
* HookHand: Two, which he can replace with.
* HyperspaceArsenal: Fritz carries a wide variety of weapons under his coat.
* TheIgor
* ImAHumanitarian: Several of the deaths involve Fritz eating Lance somehow.
* ImprobableHairstyle: In this case, short hair with a short pigtail standing up.
* [[spoiler:OhCrap: Fritz when he realizes what Lance was doing with the carpet...]]
* PsychoForHire
* [[SolidGoldPoop Solid Gold Snot]]: The substitute for [[MacGyvering bubble gum]] from Fritz that fixes Dr. Neurosis' computer and can cause trouble for Lance very quickly.
* SpotlightStealingSquad: Definitely! He even has a spot in the above box art which says "[[AndStarring Starring Fritz]]". Not bad for a {{Determinator}} maniac who is so hell-bent on using so many ways to kill Lance.
* ThreateningShark: In this case, Fritz, disguised as one, in one of Lance's death scenes.
* TrenchcoatWarfare: Though not an actual trenchcoat, Fritz invokes this with his vest at several points, including the cover.
* [[spoiler:TriggerHappy[=/=]MoreDakka: When he goes all-out on Lance in a blaze of glory during the final confrontation with Dr. Neurosis. Results in HeroTrackingFailure if Lance plays the cards right.]]
* TooDumbToLive: Lance tricks him into making him look in his own cannon hand during the beginning of the game.
* TheUnintelligible
* VillainousBreakdown: Fritz's patience begins to visibly wear thin as you progress through timing events where he's the danger. [[spoiler: He finally snaps at the end, unloading upon Lance with every ranged weapon he has while blindly charging at our hero. This tunes out Neurosis' demands and pleas for him to stop since he's slowly destroying the doctor's jar in the process.]]
* WheresTheKaboom: How Fritz gets tricked [[TooDumbToLive into looking in the cannon]].
* WingdingEyes: [[spoiler:Fritz gets so angry that, in the final confrontation, he uses these eyes as a slot machine, thinking up many methods of killing Lance. [[CutHisHeartOutWithASpoon One of these methods includes a high-heeled shoe.]]]]
* [[YouGottaHaveBlueHair You Gotta Have Purple Hair]]

!! Vivi
->Vivi is a curvaceous, vampiric vixen with a Southern belle accent who runs a "funeral salon". It is generally an excuse for her to dismember or suck the blood of unwary or unwilling patrons like Lance.

Voiced by June Brown.

* AffablyEvil: To both Lance (who she tries to chop) and Fritz (who she tosses into a spiked coffin).
* [[AmazingTechnicolorPopulation Amazing Techinicolor Woman]]
* BareYourMidriff: Combined with ImpossiblyLowNeckline.
* BigEater /{{Gasshole}}: If Lance waits too long to choose a service, she can't resist drinking his blood, completely exsanguinating him in the span of about 1 to 2 seconds. She then lets out a very loud and unfeminine belch, plus an almost-proud sound giggle afterwards.
* BondOneLiner: After cutting off [[OffWithHisHead Lance's head]] or [[AnArmAndALeg his hand]], she delivers this one to him that would make [[Series/FamilyMatters Steve Urkel]] jealous:
-->'''Vivi:''' ''[innocently]'' Awww, did I do that?
* DarkChick: A vampy vampire that charms her targets into a false sense of security.
* EarlyBirdCameo: At the beginning of the game, there's a portrait of her in one of the rooms before meeting her.
* EffortlessAmazonianLift: She picks up Lance [[SuperStrength with one finger]] by the back of his shirt, before tossing him across the room and into a chair. Then she does the same thing to Fritz, but throws him into an [[ColdBloodedTorture iron maiden!]]
* {{Expy}}: She looks more like a double expy cross between the Film/BrideOfFrankenstein and Creator/ElviraMistressOfTheDark.
* FeetFirstIntroduction
* GagBoobs
* GettingCrapPastTheRadar: Blood? Check. Boobs? Check. Skimpy Outfit? Check. [[WhatDoYouMeanItsForKids Mature Rating? Not Check!]]
* GirlWithPsychoWeapon: Just when you think she can do a manicure as in "treatment for fingernails", she uses the word "manicure" as in "[[AnArmAndALeg cutting off people's hands]] with a [[KnifeNut butcher knife]]", which she has! Yikes!
* [[HoistByHisOwnPetard Hoist by Her Own Petard]]: Lance defeats her by making her fall into her own Beautifier. Though not dead, she becomes reduced to an ugly old hag.
* ImpossibleHourglassFigure
* MaleGaze: Vivi says she's a little bit "behind". Guess what's appearing onscreen a bit after she says it?
* MissingReflection: Vivi has no reflection when she looks at her facial mirror (save for her lipstick), revealing that she is a vampire. Not like this wasn't obvious before.
* MsFanservice
* [[ObfuscatingStupidity Obfuscating]] ObliviouslyEvil: She treats Lance as if he were valued customer and seems totally unaware that her attempts at "styling" are fatal to him... but that sadistic smirk on her face whenever she "accidentally" kills him says it all.
* PointyEars: Vivi has them by example.
* RedEyesTakeWarning: When she is prepared for a VampiricDraining of Lance in one death scene.
* SinisterScythe: She uses a miniature version of this to try [[DangerouslyCloseShave chopping Lance's head off]].
* SouthernBelle
* StatuesqueStunner: When she lifts Lance up, you can notice how tall she is.
* VampiresAreSexGods
* VampiricDraining: Vivi will do this to Lance if he doesn't make a choice of either a shave, manicure, or facial quick enough. And the result is downright unpleasant: though over in a split-second, we see Lance visibly shrivelled into a mummy-like state as a result of her appetite.
* VoluntaryShapeshifting: She demonstrates the ability to shapeshift into a bat.
* YouGottaHaveBlueHair: ...in this case, midnight blue with a few {{Skunk Stripe}}s!

!! Moose
->A big, dumb, Frankenstein's Monster-like giant, who spouts various sports phrases and wields a baseball bat and a football.

Voiced by Blayne Burnside.

* BatterUp: In one part of the scene, Moose wields one giant baseball bat, intending to bash Lance's brains out if you're not quick or careful.
* TheBrute: Of the FiveBadBand.
* DelinquentHair: He sports a mean purple mullet.
* DumbMuscle: Doesn't seem to show much in the ways of intellect.
* FrankensteinsMonster
* GretzkyHasTheBall: Most of Moose's dialogue.
-->'''Moose''': "Alright, squirt! Third down, bases are loaded, and we're pullin' the goalie!"
* JerkJock: He's into ''all kinds'' of sports.
* PsychopathicManchild
* XRaySparks: How he meets his end.
* [[YouGottaHaveBlueHair You Gotta Have Purple Hair]]