This is the character sheet for Ansem Retort.

Ansem Retort Protagonists

!!Axel

The first cast member introduced and generally one of the most focused on. Is a evil Buddhist god and is married to Aerith.

* AxCrazy
* {{Badass}}: Is a evil Buddhist God and has/had mind bullets, managed to out-kill Cloud in a Murder Off prior to abusing One Winged Angel, can warp reality and can turn into Andrew Jackson.
* ButForMeItWasTuesday: Played with. Axel never planned to get a Grand Theft Auto game, since the murder, violence, and crime he could do in the game was "shit [he] did last Tuesday!".
* ComedicSociopath: Axel is this trope, given how often he murders people.
* EstablishingCharacterMoment: The first strip has Axel burning down an orphanage. [[DeadBabyComedy This immediately sets the tone as to the kind of comic you're about to read.]]
* EvenEvilHasStandards: Would never abuse Aerith and responded with a "WHAT?!" when she claimed he hit her to cover up hitting her face on a doorknob.
** He's also disgusted by Hercules saying that he prefers unconscious women. Though WordOfGod says it has less to do with any morality on Axel's part and more to do with how incredibly obnoxious Hercules is.
* EvenEvilHasLovedOnes: Axel genuinely loves Aerith and would never abuse or kill her.
* FusionDance: With Zexion - they turn into AndrewJackson.
* HeterosexualLifePartners: With Zexion, to the point where he may be one of the three people he wouldn't murder.
* {{Jerkass}}: Constantly abuses the cast minus Aerith and Zexion, brutally murders random civilians and is just all around a giant douche.
** HiddenHeartOfGold: He really does love Aerith and seems to be good friends with Zexion.
* LargeHam: BURN ORPHANS!!!, BURN!!!
* PlayingWithFire
* RealityWarper: Maybe.
--> '''Naminé''': The sheer force of your insanity actually warps reality! Earth changes to accommodate your insane view of the world!\\
'''Axel''': Sorry, what? I'm kinda fighting a shark right now.
* ShoutOut: His full name is [[Music/GunsNRoses Axel Rose]]
* SociopathicHero: Hero might not be the right adjective though.
* UnholyMatrimony: With Aerith.
* VillainProtagonist: Axel is one of the key contenders for this one.

!!Sora

One of the cast members. Has both short term and long term memory damage and has the power of a demi-god which is almost always ignored. Is incredibly stupid.

* ButtMonkey: Not that he remembers it happening.
* DistressedDude: Twice now.
* TheDitz:
--> "We'll die, and then come back as the Ghostbusters. And then we'll play soccer!"
--> "I wonder what fire tastes like." (Beat Panel) "Fire tastes like bacon!"
* EatsBabies: The 'Spock diet' Zexion and Axel force him on. [[spoiler:Later, they make him eat ''an alcohol-assisted aborted fetus''.]]
* {{Flanderization}}: He used to be just somewhat stupid and merely had amnesia before becoming completely retarded with short-term, long-term, and short-term memory loss.
** The memory loss turns out to not be Sora's fault, though. Its Naminé, having been flanderized into mucking about with his memory far more than in-game(by pushing him head first into the floor giving him a severe head concussion).
* ObfuscatingStupidity: There might be hope for Sora yet. (Key word: Might.)
* SummonMagic
* TooDumbToLive: Yet somehow he's still alive after setting himself on fire to find out how it tastes, was repeatedly injured by cans of soda falling on his head when it was stuck in a vending machine and forgetting how to breathe on a few occassions.

!!Riku

The ButtMonkey and ChewToy of the cast, Riku is very emo and is usually the most common victim of Axel and Zexion's abuse. [[spoiler: Is actually a Time Lord, which is how he survives all of the abuse he gets which often consists of being cut in two and losing his heart. He has a Down Syndrome version which prevents him regenerating like Doctor Who.]]

* ADayInTheLimelight: Got his own story arc recently.
* ButtMonkey: Riku is the poster boy for this, given how everyone gives him nothing but abuse.
* CastingAShadow
* ChewToy: Riku has been cut in half several times, had a firecracker in his liver which contributed to being in half the second time, had his heart removed by Cloud stabbing him in the chest and losing it to a seagull, has been stabbed by Axel's chakram on multiple occasions and tortured in so many ways. He also has AIDS.
* EmoTeen: This has been downplayed in later seasons, but Riku is very emo.
* FailOSuckyname: Riku Imabitch.
* IllBoy: Riku. Axel and Zexion infected him with AIDS to make him the poster boy for AIDS Aid.
* RippleEffectProofMemory: Riku is the only member of the group shown to have this. [[spoiler: Justified by being a Time Lord.]]
* SuperMode: Parodied when Riku enters "Emo Mode".
--> Riku: The Dragon Ball Z clause states that any transformation, no matter how stupid, makes the user much stronger.
* ThrowTheDogABone: Yuffie crushing on Riku.
* [[spoiler: JustForFun/TimeLord]]
--> Axel: Holy shit! Do you know what this means? TV Tropes was actually right about something!

!!Zexion
Governor of Pennsylvania and Jerkass extraordinaire.

* BreakoutCharacter
* CharacterizationMarchesOn: Started off as the straight man. Turned into the king of Jerkasses.
* DeadlyDoctor: Averted. While Zexion is both a Doctor and Deadly (especially to his patients), he doesn't fight using a medical motif. Instead, he uses [[LaserBlade Lightsabers]] (courtesy of Darth Maul).
* EvenEvilHasStandards: He hates racist pancakes. He also doesn't want to run for president if it's going to be too easy.
* FusionDance: With Axel - they turn into AndrewJackson
* HeterosexualLifePartners: With Axel. The two are such good friends that Axel did nothing when Zexion hit on Aerith [[spoiler:DURING THEIR WEDDING.]] Anyone else and it would've been a massacre, a slaughter, and a bloodbath, in that order.
* {{Jerkass}}: He prides himself on being a huge dick.
* LatinLover: He had his name legally changed to [[AwesomeMcCoolName Guillermo del Zexiero lo Marquis]].
* MorallyAmbiguousDoctorate
* PresidentEvil: Well, ''close''. He is Governor Evil.
** Just to remind people, he invaded New Jersey and stole tax dollars to finance Axel and Aerith's wedding just to prove that he ''can''.
** He also sold New Mexico back to ''Spain'' so that any person in the U.S.A can have sexy latino names.
*** He also started running for president, but after realizing his campaign slogans where actually LIKED by a roomful of people (or because they're a bunch of overly-accepting morons) he quit, sticking [[TheDitz Sora]] on stage...who immediately got the same results.
* RunningGag: He always goes to order Chinese food at the season finale.
* TeleportersAndTransporters: Does this in the fight against the Fox executive at the gate of Fox headquarters.

!!Marluxia

The gay guy. He's gay.

* ButtMonkey: Not to Riku's level, but he gets mocked throughout most of the series.
* CampGay: Mixed with StraightGay
* CharacterizationMarchesOn: Marluxia was actually meant to be Axel's partner in crime and psychopathy. He's now the [[{{Irony}} Straight Man]] to Axel and Zexion.
* DemotedToExtra: He was pretty much a background character between Season 3 and Season 6.
* PetalPower
* StraightMan: Became this after Season 1.
* TransparentCloset: Before he came out in between Seasons 4 and 5. Like everything else, it was anticlimactic.
-->'''Marluxia''': I've been really confused about who I am. I think I always knew the truth, I just couldn't admit it. But I'm sure now, I'm gay.
-->'''Zexion''': And this is more important than my watching {{Seinfeld}} reruns... because?
* VitriolicBestBuds: He had this kind of relationship with Darth Maul from Seasons 2 through 6. [[spoiler:According to Duke, at some unspecified point they became a couple.]]

!!Laxrene

She's on a lot of drugs, that's pretty much it.

* BadAss: Can fire lightning, move really fast and blew up Disneyland.
* CloudCuckoolander: Side effect of drugs.
* GenkiGirl: She never stops. Ever. Probably because of the crack.
* ShockAndAwe

!!Namine

The other StraightMan of the cast. She keeps the state government running. [[spoiler: She just had sex with Zexion.]]
* CharacterizationMarchesOn: In Season 1 she was a television addict.
* ThePowerofFriendship: She believed in this at first, but she sure doesn't now.
* TheStraightMan: Well, woman, but this is pretty much her role in the story.
* UnresolvedSexualTension: With Zexion. [[spoiler: It was in the process of resolving itself when the strip encountered a severe case of ScheduleSlip.]]
** [[spoiler:As of strip 707, it's safe to say that it has, indeed, been resolved.]]
!!Darth Maul

The Jewish Sith Lord, he showed up in Season 1 and never left. He doesn't exactly do anything besides prank call prostitutes and watch TV.

* DemotedToExtra: For a while he was a semi-major character - he went with the cast to Hawai'i, and participated in the infamous airplane hijacking. As of Seasons 7, he makes 2 or 3 appearances per season.
* DisproportionateRetribution: Darth Maul attacked Marluxia, complete with Force Lightning... all because Marluxia said mango-strawberry was a gay flavor. And then they both attacked Xemnas when they thought he called them box-openers.
* {{Jerkass}}: The main difference between Maul and Axel is laziness. They were friends in college.
* ShockAndAwe: As a Sith he can do this.
* TheSlacker: He's so lazy he called Ansem to pick up the TV remote that was four meters away from him.
* [[spoiler:StraightGay: According to WordOfGod, he's Marluxia's boyfriend now.]]

!!Red XIII

The only cast member from the replacement cast that wasn't murdered by Axel and Zexion. [[spoiler: His kind was created to kill Time Lords. He was recently killed by Riku when he was channeling Optimus Prime.]]
* DisproportionateRetribution: Decided to kill Riku because he angsted a lot.
* FaceHeelTurn: He was originally turned evil by Darth Maul and jedi mind control. This was [[CanonDiscontinuity forgotten about]].
* HazyFeelTurn: He turned on the cast to join up with Xemnas.
* {{Jerkass}}: He's kind of a dick, especially to Riku and Sora.
* [[spoiler: KilledOffForReal: Riku ripped his face off.]]
* QuestForIdentity: [[spoiler: It ended with his face being ripped off.]]

Other Characters

!!Ansem

The guy who started the show. He's currently the president of FOX, since the cast killed the last one.

* CastingAShadow
* CorruptCorporateExecutive: He works for FOX and he often screws people over and buys shows from other networks for the hell of it.
* TheDragon: Is this during the First Season.
** DragonAscendant: to...
*** BiggerBad: Is this [[BigBadEnsemble alongside the Grand Organizer]] due to getting the cast together and releasing Xemnas from prison while letting both do their own thing.
* DrivenToSuicide: Well, he was until he remembered he can't tie a noose with one arm.
* {{Jerkass}}: He works for and is currently president of FOX, it's only natural.
* OnlyInItForTheMoney: More ratings then money, but he got the cast together because they're so messed up that they're ratings gold. He even had Xemnas released from prison so that he could kill the other reality shows in order to get more ratings.

!!Vexen O'Hanniducy

He's Ansem's right hand man.

* InnerMonologue: It turns out that the flashback he had about tracking down the cast was just an inner monologue.
-->Aerith: You just stood in that pose and didn't do anything for 20 minutes.
* InsaneTrollLogic: Ansem hired him to track down the cast after they ran away at the end of Season 2 because Vexen was the only guy in his employment insane and retarded enough to think like the Ansem Retort cast.
* MeaningfulName: His last name is a combination of rightwing pundits Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity, as well as Danny Bonnaduce. At the time, Danny Bonnaduce had been caught on tape cussing out a "truther" who was harassing him and openly admitting to being a Republican.
* NewsParody: Sometimes appears as the host of one.

!!Grand Organizer

The founder of the Assembly AKA the Gods. His defeat against the 7 warriors of the soul and the Original Soul in Utah is cause of the events in Ansem Retort. His status(dead or alive) is never made clear in the strip.

* BiggerBad: As Xemnas's former boss he is this. He is also this to the cast though not Ansem and previous president of Fox who are themselves [[BiggerBad Bigger Bads]].
* PosthumousCharacter: We hope...
* PhysicalGod: As the leader of the Assembly
* TimeCrash: Sought to do this yet failed. Most likely he planned to do so the same way as Xemnas.

!!Xemnas

A recurring villain from the Assembly who wants to remake the world using Sora's powers. No one really takes him seriously.

* MeaninglessMeaningfulWords: Pretty much his entire dialogue is nothing but this.
* PhysicalGod: Like all members of of the Assembly.
* PowerOfTheVoid
* SealedEvilInACan: No thanks to Deus tricking him into thinking the 7 warriors of the soul were playing naked hide and seek which led to Darth Maul getting him arrested. He soon gets broken out by Ansem though dosen't do what Ansem expects(kill all the other reality shows) until his first defeat at the hands of the cast.
* TimeCrash: How Xemnas intends to tear down the worlds and remake them to his designs and he plans on having what's either the The Perfect Order or the Original Soul do it in the form of Sora's evil clones.

!! Deus

A member of the Assembly who was assigned to Earth alongside [=DiZ=]. He's the one who turned Sora into a demi-god.

* CastingAShadow
* InTheHood
* ItAmusedMe: Why he gave Sora the Trinity Field.
* PhysicalGod: Like all members of of the Assembly.
* {{Shapeshifting}}: Since Deus doesn't have a body per se, he takes whatever form he wants. Once he took the form of Roxas to troll [=DiZ=]. Another time he took the form of Donald Duck, for no reason other than lulz.

!! [=DiZ=]

A member of the Assembly who was assigned to Earth alongside Deus. He's opposed to Xemnas (not to mention the defeated and ''hopefully'' dead Grand Organizer).

* BigGood: The closest thing to one anyways...
* PhysicalGod: Like all members of of the Assembly.

!! The Perfect Order

Sealed within the Trinity Field thus creating Time. Ended up inside the Original Soul/Sora.

* EldritchAbomination: It's assumed.
* EvilCounterpart: Whichever way you look at him.
* HumanoidAbomination: If he's Roxas.
* SealedInsideAPersonShapedCan: Ends up inside Sora alongside The Orginal Soul.
* LivingShadow: If he's the Darkside Heartless.

!! Lexaeus

He works for Microsoft(actually he works for Assembly Member PhysicalGod Deus: the working for Microsoft ruse was an attempt to distract the cast from Deus giving Sora the Trinity Field for the lulz). Out of the cast of ''Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories'', he has among the fewest appearances. After Marco and Roy die (Roy was killed by Axel and Marco was killed by accidentally electrocuting himself while distracting Zexion in a fake fight to the death) he and the Unknown are the only workers of Deus left.

* {{Badass}}: He actually fought Axel and lived through it. Not many people do that.
* TheBrute: When working for Microsoft.
* FunnyForeigner: In addition to the speaking Spanish thing, he's just weird. He likes "cat juice." And hates clowns.
-->'''Lexaeus:''' YO QUIERO EL JUGO DE EL GATO!
* [[GratuitousEnglish Gratuitous Spanish]]: HE SPEAKS SPANISH. ONLY SPANISH.

!! The Unknown

He like Lexaeus, Marco and Roy works for Deus.

* InTheHood
* NoNameGiven
* PowerOfTheVoid