Strangely Specific Horoscope
A horoscope that is either oddly specific, downright strange or both
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(permanent link) added: 2014-01-15 15:29:59 sponsor: GuesssWho edited by: jormis29 (last reply: 2014-08-02 17:33:34)

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This week, all Aquariuses will turn into mermaids, Taurus has some funny stories about a guy named Jimmy, and Leos will be eaten by gigantic land shrimp.

Usually, horoscopes are about as broad as possible, so that anyone can feel like it applies to them. In fiction, however, it's often more entertaining to have horoscopes that describe something totally insane, either to prove how accurate the horoscope is or just to keep people on their toes.

Examples

Comic Books
  • Archie Comics liked this. Big Ethel was on the beach when she read her horoscope that said she'd meet a pair of stars today. Swooning with anticipation of meeting the likes of Paul Newman, a wave suddenly crashes over her. When the water recedes, two starfish are clinging to her. Another example: Veronica was on a tennis court, hoping to win a tennis match and thus a winning "cup". Her horoscope says she will definitely get a cup today. But her hopes are dashed when Archie approaches and offers her a cup... of coffee or tea.

Literature
  • Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency has a horoscope writer for the local paper who knew Dirk at university, and always aims his horoscopes at Dirk.
  • In Good Omens, the local newspaper serving Tadfield has a surprisingly specific horoscope for Libra, on the day the apocalypse begins. This is just after a discussion of late medieval Bishop Usher's great contribution to Creationism, in which he conclusively worked out from Biblical revelation that God created Earth in October, 4004 B.C. Which makes the Earth a Libra...
  • In The Light Fantastic, the University's astrologer reads Rincewind's horoscope in hope of tracking down his location. It rambles a bit, but warns those born under the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars not to annoy any druids twice, which is very good advice for someone in Rincewind's circumstances that day.

Live-Action TV
  • Black Hole High. Lucas shoved off a school assignment and submitted silly horoscope predictions to the school paper instead of a serious article and made them obviously about his friends. Because the school sits on a do-anything-black hole they came true. And he made a typo saying one of them would die rather than diet.
  • In the first episode of the Dirk Gently TV show, one of the cases involves a man whose horoscopes are always coming true. Gently tries to convince him that it's a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy - he had an affair because the horoscope said he would, not because he wanted one.
  • Full House "A Pinch For A Pinch" where Kimmy did horoscopes and Stephanie's was he day would start off with good fortune, then and unpleasant surprise at school, finally a misunderstanding will occur at home. It spooks Stephanie when the predictions start to come true.
  • A skit on the 80s UK sketch show Little and Large had Eddie Large impersonating 80s UK fortune-teller Russell Grant, with increasingly specific and bizarre horoscopes, including "And tomorrow, you will die".
  • A variation on Monty Python's Flying Circus, where the newspaper prints horoscopes for strangely specific dates of birth.
    • Derry & Toms: April 29 to March 22 (even dates only): You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizardlike in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub-tropical zones and wear spectacles.
    • Basil: June 21 to June 22: You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail....
    • Aquarius, while not being noted as having an out of the ordinary date, has the horoscope "Roger Moore will drop in for lunch, bringing Tony Curtis with him. In the afternoon a substantial cash sum will come your way. In the evening Petula Clark will visit your home accompanied by The Mike Sammes singers. She will sing for you in your own living room. Before you go to bed, Peter Wyngarde will come and declare his undying love for you."
  • There was one episode in Neds Declassified School Survival Guide where Cookie writes the horoscope for the school paper. When he sees that everyone do exactly as told, he begins to have fun with it.
  • One episode of Psych has Shawn going semi-undercover at the local paper as a horoscope writer. When Gus criticizes his horoscopes for being too specific, Shawn replies that he wrote them with specific people in mind.

Music
  • The entire point of "Weird Al" Yankovic's Your Horoscope For Today, in which Aquarius are told that their tongue will be frozen to the back of a speeding bus, Pisces are the true lord of the dance (no matter what those idiots at work say), and Cancer should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud because of the position of Jupiter. Among many, many more.

Newspaper Comics
  • One brief FoxTrot arc had Jason trying his hand at writing horoscopes, claiming that the ones in the newspaper were too vague to be of help to anyone:
    Jason: They need clear-cut instructions. With mine, there'll be no ambiguity at all.
    Peter: [reading Jason's writing] "Scorpio: Give Jason Fox all your money."
    Jason: Hee hee. Bill Gates is a Scorpio.
  • Huey in The Boondocks would always right off his horror scope as ridiculous despite it basically describing his current situation and a sensible solution to it every single time Caesar read it. Caesar's was similar only he put stock it them, so naturally they gave no solutions.

Podcast
  • Episode six of Welcome to Night Vale features a horoscopes section where each of the zodiac signs are given increasingly odd/hilarious horoscopes. Among other things, Cecil warns Capricorns that "those were not contact lenses you put in this morning", announces that its Taurus's "annual crime day" where they're exempt from all laws, and simply curses Scorpios and their families and calls them "vile" for no understandable reason.

Radio
  • The D Generation radio show had a horoscope sketch where the horoscopes started of as the normal generalities but became odder and more specific as the announcer moved along the zodiac, including "Do not eat sharp metal objects", "Beware of people who say they want to hack you death with an electric chainsaw", and "You owe me twenty bucks".

Web Original
  • The Onion loves this one. Every issue has an insane horoscope.

Western Animation
  • The Simpsons: "Treehouse of Horror XI - G-G-Ghost D-D-Dad" involves Homer's horoscope saying that he will die today. Worried, Marge looks at her horoscope, which says that her husband will die!
  • The "To Live and Die in Dixie" episode of Family Guy has a criminal robbing a convenience store, but he's told that the cash register won't open unless he makes a purchase.
    Crook: Alright, give me one of those Horoscope scrolls! ..."Financial transaction benefits you today." Ooooh!
    Clerk: Weirrrrrd.

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