Wash: Everything looks good from here...
**Zoom out, revealing Wash is playing with plastic dinosaurs**
[As Stegosaurus]: "Yes, this is a fertile land and will thrive. We shall rule over all this land and we will call it... 'This Land'.
[As Allosaurus]: "I think we should call it YOUR GRAVE!"
[Stegosaurus]: "AH! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
[Allosaurus]: "Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!"

Book: "If you take sexual advantage of her, you will go to a special hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.

(2 seconds after he goes around the corner) *head pops back out* The special hell.

Zoe: River? Honey? He's putting the hair away.

River: Doesn't matter. It'll still be there. Waiting.

Mercy is the mark of a great man. <stab> Guess I'm just a good man. <stab> Well, I'm all right.

Jayne: ('reading' from Simon's journal in Safe) "Dear Diary. Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hill folk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever."

"Also? I can kill you with my brain."

Kaylee can't believe that Simon never swears. He says he it's just rare and, but only "when it's appropriate".

Simon: (looking at a statue of Jayne) Son of a Bitch!

Kaylee- "Goin' on a year now I ain't had nuthin' twix my nethers ain't run on batteries!"

Mal- "I can't know that!"

Jayne- "I could stand to hear a little more."

Wash: They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go any place... ...Well, maybe I should do that, then!

Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?

River: Fixing your Bible.

Also in the pilot, when Mal tells Simon with a face carved out of stone "Kaylee is dead." Simon looses his posture and runs in slow motion to the medical bay under tear jerking music ... seeing a smiling Kaylee happily waving at him when he arrives. "The man's psychotic!" Cue to Mal, Wash, Zoe and Jayne in the cockpit, laughing their ass off.

Considering Mal threatened before to throw Simon and River out an airlock should Kaylee die, the level rises from mean to complete jerkass.

"Didn't she shoot you?"

"Well, yeah, a little bit."

Inara: I'm fine! I just hit my head is all. I just hit my head.

"Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?"

Badger: "Of course you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle. I've got my hands on a couple."

Much smirking ensues

Badger: "... of INVITES!"

Mal: Ooh, I'm going to the special hell.

Mal: We're still two fleshes here! Two very separate fleshes! *blanket drops* Oh, look! Flesh!

Fess: "You mean you actually know Jayne?"

Inara: "Jayne? Jayne Cobb? You're talking about Jayne Cobb?"

Fess: "Yes, Jayne Cobb, the Hero Of Canton! The only person I ever saw who stood up to my father."

Inara: "<incomprehensible>"

River: *giving back the pages she tore out of Book's Book* "I tore these out of your symbol and they turned into paper... But I wanna put them back, so..."

Book: *stands up, with his frizzy hair all undone* "What's that?"

River: *screams and runs away*

Later...

River: *from the smuggling compartment* "You see, the snow on the roof is too heavy, you see, the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger."

Book: "River, please, why don’t you come on out?"

River: "No! Can’t. Too much hair."

Book: "Is that it?!"

Zoe: "Hell yes, preacher! If I didn't have stuff to get done, I'd be in there with her."

Book: "It's the rules of my order. Like the book, it symbolizes - "

Zoe: "River, honey, he’s putting the hair away now."

River: "Doesn’t matter. It’ll still be there… waiting."

Mal: I got stabbed! Right here!

Simon: "Are you Alliance?"

Early: "Am I a lion?"

Simon: "What?"

Mal: "I'm not married! I don't even know her!" Jayne (Fingering the sleeve of Saffron's dress) "Can I know her?"

"I'll be in my bunk."

Mal: Nobody's handled my plow but me in a long time.

Mal: I'm not a thief- Okay, I am a thief. But I'm not stealing from you!

What? No mention of Jayne's 'Free soup!'?

Wash's mustache in "Out of Gas." 'Nuff said.

One word: "Darn"