Line #53 TearJerker/TheOnion


1	%%
2	%%Image removed via crowner in the Moments Images Cleanup Thread: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/crowner.php?crowner_id=sumdkjuk
3	%%https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/posts.php?discussion=1642193091068711500
4	%%Please don't add a new image without discussion in Image Pickin'.
5	%%
6
7
8	For a satirical site, ''Website/TheOnion'' posts a ''lot'' of depressing articles.
9
10	* "[[https://www.theonion.com/daddy-put-in-bye-bye-box-1819569708 Daddy Put In Bye-Bye Box]]". It's a story about a father's death from the perspective of children too young to comprehend what death means. Their mother is heartbroken over her husband's passing, and the realization of what happened will likely hit the children extremely hard.
11	* Pretty much ''every'' article that was written in the aftermath of 9/11 counts, but some of the best examples would be:
12	** "[[https://www.theonion.com/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule-1819566178/ God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule]]", in particular the closing paragraph:
13	--->"Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake, and He wept."
14	** [[https://local.theonion.com/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-american-flag-1819566173 "Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake,"]] also written in response to 9/11. It reflects the reactions of a lot of people that day very accurately.
15	--->"I baked a cake," said Pearson, shrugging her shoulders and forcing a smile as she unveiled the dessert in the Overstreet household later that evening. "I made it into a flag."\
16	Pearson and the Overstreets stared at the cake in silence for nearly a minute, until Cassie hugged Pearson.\
17	"It's beautiful," Cassie said. "The cake is beautiful."
18	* "[[https://local.theonion.com/new-mommy-a-lot-prettier-1819565481 New Mommy A Lot Prettier]]" is one for Joan, the first wife. Her husband leaves her for a younger woman, with the three-month gap between the divorce and the remarriage making it obvious he was cheating on her. Joan is desperate to make ends meet, working two 30-hour-a-week jobs. While she tries to be a responsible parent to her children, it ends up being for naught, as the kids' father and stepmother spoil them, causing her children to turn away from her. Even worse, her children show her NoSympathy for her being exhausted and sad, expressing a preference for their younger and prettier stepmother.
19	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/elderly-woman-begins-freezing-meals-husband-can-eat-whi-1819577261 "Elderly Woman Begins Freezing Meals Her Husband Can Eat While She's Passed Away".]]
20	%% * For animal lovers: [[https://local.theonion.com/last-of-2008-christmas-puppies-euthanized-marking-star-1819572491 Last of 2008 Christmas Puppies Euthanized, Marking Start of Spring]]
21	%% ** [[https://local.theonion.com/fire-consumes-big-happy-farm-where-families-send-sick-d-1819572687 And if you've ever encountered]] ReleasedToElsewhere...
22	* [[https://politics.theonion.com/u-s-commemorates-9-11-by-toasting-stable-afghan-govern-1819572948 US Commemorates 9/11 By Toasting Stable Afghan Government]]. If only that was real...
23	** Kelly's cartoon that day was surprisingly poignant too. He usually employs some measure of MediaScaremongering, but this one was just a man dressed in patriotic apparel looking sadly at a box of props and asking [[https://www.theonion.com/september-12-2011-1819590425 "When is it okay to laugh again"?]]
24	-->'''Kelly''': Or is it too soon to ask?
25	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/blissful-ignorance-commemorated-on-annual-9-10-annivers-1819573891 "Blissful Ignorance Commemorated on Annual 9/10 Anniversary."]] Holy ''shit''.
26	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/study-finds-hearing-loved-ones-voice-induces-excruciati-1819573213 "Study Finds Hearing Loved One's Voice Induces Excruciating Pain In Coma Patients."]]
27	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/son-its-time-we-have-a-talk-about-where-babies-go-1819584559 "Son, It's Time We Have A Talk About Where Babies Go."]]
28	* [[https://www.theonion.com/best-part-of-gay-12-year-old-s-day-half-hour-spent-eati-1819573329 "Best Part Of Gay 12-Year-Old’s Day Half Hour Spent Eating Lunch Alone On Staircase."]] Even sadder when you watch [[https://www.theonion.com/gay-12-year-old-i-like-eating-lunch-here-by-myself-1819595173 the video accompanying the article]], which ends on the kid sitting alone humming a little tune as he eats his lunch.
29	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/nra-sets-1-000-killed-in-school-shooting-as-amount-it-w-1819573533 "NRA Sets 1,000 Killed In School Shooting As Amount It Would Take For Them To Reconsider Much Of Anything."]]
30	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/you-will-die-someday-and-it-will-be-sad-all-man-thinki-1819573636 "'You Will Die Someday And It Will Be Sad,' All Man Thinking During Dinner With Parents"]]
31	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/18-year-old-fighting-in-afghanistan-has-9-11-explained-1819573874 "18-Year-Old Fighting In Afghanistan Has 9/11 Explained To Him By Older Soldier"]]
32	* [[https://www.theonion.com/fuck-everything-nation-reports-1819574328 "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports"]] A response to the December 2012 Connecticut school shooting. A rare occasion when ClusterFBomb can be used emotionally. You can tell that whoever wrote it wasn't in a funny mood.
33	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/all-of-area-mans-hard-work-finally-pays-off-for-employe-1819573184 "All Of Area Man's Hard Work Finally Pays Off For Employer"]]. ''Hoo'' boy...
34	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/ask-an-auctioneer-revealing-he-was-molested-as-a-child-1819584784 "Ask An Auctioneer Revealing He Was Molested as a Child."]]
35	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/afghanistan-war-veteran-solemnly-recalls-seeing-entire-1819574378 "Afghanistan War Veteran Solemnly Recalls Seeing Entire Platoon Murdered By Undiagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder."]] It takes a minute to hit you.
36	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/holy-shit-i-just-realized-people-want-to-kill-my-dad-1819584772 "Holy Shit, I Just Realized People Want To Kill My Dad."]] Written from the perspective of Sasha Obama, who has, more likely than not, realized this already.
37	%% * "[[https://www.theonion.com/this-what-world-like-now-1819574839 This What World Like Now]]", written after the bombings in Boston.
38	%% ** Followed up by "[[https://www.theonion.com/jesus-this-week-1819574831 Jesus, This Week]]".
39	%% * "[[https://local.theonion.com/i-don-t-know-who-i-am-anymore-little-buddy-says-mot-1819575229 'I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore, Little Buddy!' Says Mother In Midst Of Nervous Breakdown]]"
40	* "[[https://local.theonion.com/child-who-just-lost-balloon-begins-lifelong-battle-with-1819574627 Child Who Just Lost Balloon Begins Lifelong Battle With Depression]]"
41	-->"No, the balloon," said Tremont, who as an adult will work with his physician and several psychiatrists to find a suitable combination of anxiolytic and psychotropic medicines to quell the disease's debilitating symptoms, ultimately turning into an over-medicated and unresponsive husk. "It's flying away."\
42	"Come back," added the toddler who will never feel entirely happy or normal again.
43	%% * "[[https://entertainment.theonion.com/children-of-all-ages-delighted-by-enslavement-of-topsy-1819571555 Children Of All Ages Delighted By Enslavement Of Topsy The Elephant]]"
44	%% * "[[https://local.theonion.com/awkward-new-international-student-saw-his-entire-family-1819575466 Awkward New International Student Saw His Entire Family Murdered In The Congo]]" straddles a line between this and just plain horrifying.
45	%% * "[[https://www.theonion.com/if-you-think-you-can-talk-to-your-mother-like-that-the-1819584877 If You Think You Can Talk To Your Mother Like That, Then You've Paid Attention To The Way I've Subtly Degraded Her For Years]]"
46	%% * "[[https://local.theonion.com/bullied-eighth-grader-incorrectly-thought-classmates-wo-1819575653 Bullied Eighth-Grader Incorrectly Thought Classmates Would Leave Him Alone During Field Trip To 9/11 Memorial]]" The ending, however, is a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome.
47	* "[[https://local.theonion.com/ugly-girl-killed-1819564191 Ugly Girl Killed]]": In a dark parody of MissingWhiteWomanSyndrome, a little girl named Edith Pelphrey is brutally murdered but nobody cares because she was not cute, and the residents of her hometown are more interested in the pre-teen beauty pageant "a contest that Edith, had she lived, surely could never have entered, let alone won."
48	%% * Also from the post 9-11 issues: "[[https://www.theonion.com/arab-american-third-grader-returns-from-recess-crying-1819566175 Arab-American Third Grader Returns from Recess Crying, Saying He Didn't Kill Anyone."]]
49	%% * "[[https://www.theonion.com/as-much-as-i-hated-putting-my-dog-to-sleep-i-know-hell-1819584614 As Much As I Hated Putting My Dog to Sleep...]]"
50	%% * In the wake of Nelson Mandela's death. [[https://www.theonion.com/nelson-mandela-becomes-first-politician-to-be-missed-1819575931 "Nelson Mandela Becomes First Politician To Be Missed"]]
51	%% * "[[https://local.theonion.com/generous-military-sends-800-in-disability-to-man-who-w-1819575926 Generous Military Sends $800 In Disability To Man Who Wakes Up Screaming Every Night]]."
52	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/kid-with-rough-home-life-gives-mickey-extra-long-hug-1819591500 "Kid With Rough Home Life Gives Mickey Extra Long Hug"]]
53	%% * The [[http://theonion.tumblr.com/post/69806820030/today-in-print front page]] of The Onion's final print issue.
54	* [[https://local.theonion.com/97-year-old-dies-unaware-of-being-violin-prodigy-1819571799 97 Year Old Dies Unaware Of Being Violin Prodigy]]. The idea of being so uncommonly gifted and never finding out is incredibly depressing.
55	* [[https://local.theonion.com/area-man-growing-a-little-tired-of-rushing-home-to-hug-1819574844 Area Man Growing A Little Tired of Rushing Home to Hug Loved Ones]]
56	-->At press time, Sifton was telling his children something like this would never happen again, a practice he has mastered over the past six months.
57	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/every-family-members-birthday-now-marred-by-some-traged-1819574798 Every Family Member's Birthday Now Marred by Some Tragedy]]
58	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/flag-in-front-of-post-office-can-hardly-remember-a-time-1819574821 Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff]]
59	* [[https://local.theonion.com/12-year-old-s-christmas-list-demonstrates-heartbreaking-1819577264 12 Year-old's Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family's Financial Predicament.]] This is sad for people who've gone through tough times before, and parents who who've felt guilty they couldn't provide somethings for their kids.
60	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/kidnapped-boy-found-safe-imagines-kidnapped-boy-1819570345 Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy]]. Honestly, this one's not even funny. It's just sad.
61	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/total-weirdo-spends-mother-s-day-at-cemetery-1819577790 Total Weirdo Spends Mother's Day At Cemetery]]
62	* [[https://www.theonion.com/kids-love-when-mom-sad-enough-to-just-order-pizza-1819577821 Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza]] For ANYONE with severe clinical depression, this one is already heartbreaking. But for anyone who also has a mother suffering from the same disorder and has actually witnessed this, it becomes almost unreadable. There is absolutely NOTHING funny about this one.
63	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/black-man-bids-tearful-goodbye-to-family-before-daily-c-1819578056 Black Man Bids Tearful Goodbye To Family Before Daily Commute]]
64	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/bully-can-t-believe-classmate-took-4-straight-years-of-1819577670 Bully Can't Believe Classmate Took 4 Straight Years of Being Told to Kill Herself to Heart]]
65	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/hummingbird-back-at-feeder-again-grandmother-reports-1819570035 Hummingbird Back at Feeder Again, Grandmother Reports]]
66	%% * [[https://entertainment.theonion.com/suicide-letter-full-of-simpsons-references-1819567405 Suicide letter full of Simpsons references]]
67	* [[https://entertainment.theonion.com/the-onion-reviews-batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice-1819595896 The Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice review]] where the reviewer compares watching two iconic heroes fighting to watching his parents' marriage collapse.
68	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/childbirth-to-be-area-womans-least-painful-interaction-1819568406 Childbirth To Be Area Woman's Least Painful Interaction With Daughter]]
69	%% * [[https://politics.theonion.com/middle-eastern-man-not-sure-how-many-days-worth-of-air-1819579708 Middle Eastern Man Not Sure How Many Days' Worth Of Airport Detention Clothes To Pack]], published in light of the [[UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump Trump]] administration's anti-immigration executive orders.
70	* [[https://www.theonion.com/nation-begs-disaffected-youth-gravitating-toward-neo-na-1819580174 Nation Begs Disaffected Youth Gravitating Toward Neo-Nazism To Get High And Play Xbox Instead]]. It's still a funny article, though it just screams with the desperation of loved ones not wanting youth to turn to evil to just do anything else, even things they would normally look down at you on, that your eyes just start stinging.
71	* [[https://www.theonion.com/no-way-to-prevent-this-says-only-nation-where-this-r-1819577935 'No Way To Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens]] This article was first published after the mass shooting that happened at Isla Vista, California. More than 20 articles with the same title have been published throughout the past several years. The reprinted article changes the photo, the details of the location and other details but the article remains the same. Website/TheOtherWiki lists how many times [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%22No_Way_to_Prevent_This%22%2C_Says_Only_Nation_Where_This_Regularly_Happens the article has been posted on the site.]] The repeating story shows how very little has changed since the last attack and that nothing has been done to solve the issue. This is a case of a RunningGag that many people want to be RunningGagged.
72	** After the Valentine's Day shooting in Parkland, Florida, (which was covered in one of the repeated articles) the original author of the infamous headline [[https://twitter.com/jasonroeder/status/963976307879985152 revealed]] the school was ''a mile away from his house.''
73	** After the shooting in El Paso in the beginning of August 2019, another shooting occurred at Dayton, Ohio less than 24 hours after the previous one. To emphasize the point of the frequency of such shootings, the article was reprinted twice '''''within minutes of each other''''' with the details of the separate events[[note]] and then it happened ''again'' on June 6, 2022 in Chattanooga, Tennessee; and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania[[/note]].
74	** And to hammer the point home even more, a follow-up article based on an out-of-context quotation favored by [[RightWingMilitiaFanatic militant gun owners and self-proclaimed 'patriots']]: [[https://www.theonion.com/thomas-jefferson-the-tree-of-liberty-must-be-refreshe-1836974855 Thomas Jefferson: 'The Tree Of Liberty Must Be Refreshed From Time To Time With The Blood Of Patriots And Tyrants And Kindergarteners And Newlyweds And High-Schoolers And Parents And Teachers And Worshippers And Workers And Occasionally Infants']]
75	** After the Robb Elementary School shooting, they just [[https://deadline.com/2022/05/the-onion-texas-shooting-gun-violence-1235032722/ blanketed their entire homepage]] with links to the articles.
76	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/elderly-dog-can-already-tell-owner-doesn-t-think-she-s-1819576528 Elderly Dog Can Already Tell Owner Doesn't Think She's Worth $3000 Gallstone Surgery]].
77	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSJ4RK7dzm8 The Onion review]] of ''WesternAnimation/FindingDory'', which turns into a poignant commentary on society's failure to care for the disabled.
78	%% * [[https://local.theonion.com/newborn-loses-faith-in-humanity-after-record-6-days-1819573929 Newborn Loses Faith In Humanity After Record 6 Days]]
79	* [[https://www.theonion.com/report-make-it-stop-1839364957 "Report: Make It Stop"]] is "No Way"'s more recent, more random cousin, consisting solely of four images alluding to recent "insane" events followed by the closest thing so far to the Onion [[DespairEventHorizon just giving up.]] By 2019, many felt the same way.
80	-->At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.
81	* [[https://www.theonion.com/black-father-gives-son-the-talk-about-holding-literally-1825024938 "Black Father Gives Son 'The Talk' about Holding Literally Any Object".]] Written in response to police killings like Stephon Clark, who was gunned down because [[ShootHimHeHasAWallet he was holding a cell phone that was mistaken for a gun]].
82	* [[https://local.theonion.com/woman-nervously-reaches-for-cell-phone-as-suspicious-bl-1826116847 "Woman Nervously Reaches For Cell Phone As Suspicious Black Man Tells Her Today's Soup Is Minestrone".]] The article ends with the cops "[pulling] their firearms and [slamming] the suspect onto a table after he produced a threatening packet of oyster crackers."
83	* [[https://local.theonion.com/man-surprised-by-how-often-he-still-uses-bullying-skill-1826011976 "Man Surprised By How Often He Still Uses Bullying Skills He Learned In High School".]] An unusual case in that you feel sorry not for the VillainProtagonist, but for the people he mistreats without regret.
84	* [[https://local.theonion.com/area-man-fantasized-about-for-one-and-only-time-in-his-1829108335 "Area Man Fantasized About For One And Only Time in His Life".]]. If you're someone whose found themselves dealing with feelings of loneliness, this one is very close to home.
85	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/fema-airdrops-emergency-cyanide-pills-for-residents-str-1829120826 "Fema Airdrops Emergency Cyanide Pills For Residents Stranded By Hurricane Florence".]]. Good. God. After this one, it's like The Onion ITSELF can't even be funny anymore.
86	* "[[https://www.theonion.com/loved-ones-recall-local-mans-cowardly-battle-with-cance-1819565052 Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer]]". Russ Kunkel [[JerkassWoobie may not be a good person, but he doesn't necessarily deserve the hand he's been dealt]], and it goes to show that not every terminally ill person can FaceDeathWithDignity.
87	%% * "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjfrJzdx7DA Memorial Honors Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster]]"
88	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yQdbbzeLitk This edition]] of ''In the Know'' has the topic of debate "Should unemployed people be buying Apple computers?" Despite the other commentators repeatedly pulling the subject away from that and towards other related topics, Lauralee Hickok keeps trying to make the valid point of why the unemployed would even need to keep buying new Apple products if their old computers still work fine, citing it as being part of the overspending that led to the Great Recession. Despite her argument making sense, the other commentators stop her and tell her she's contributing nothing of value, before the moderator asks her to leave. Lauralee just sits in StunnedSilence for a few seconds before quietly muttering "OK", sounding as though she's on the verge of tears.
89	* "[[https://www.theonion.com/man-dies-after-long-and-painful-battle-with-life-1819566265 Man Dies After Long And Painful Battle With Life]]" is a depressing story of a painful and unfulfilling life.
90	%% * [[https://www.theonion.com/freedom-wielding-high-schooler-freedoms-down-16-classma-1834921265/amp?__twitter_impression=true Freedom-wielding High Schooler Freedoms Down 16 Classmates in Latest Mass Freedoming.]] Ouch.
91	* "[[https://local.theonion.com/45-year-old-loser-moves-in-with-parents-1830407887?utm_medium=sharefromsite&utm_source=theonion_copy&utm_campaign=top 45-Year-Old Loser Moves In With Parents]]" consists of a single image- a mausoleum, implying that the man died relatively young at 45, and lost his parents at some point in the past.
92	%% * "[[https://www.theonion.com/report-this-to-be-history-s-last-ever-reference-to-19t-1837812390 Report: This To Be History's Last-Ever Reference To 19th-Century Seamstress Florence Shadewell]]"
93	* "[[https://www.theonion.com/firefighter-died-to-save-unimpressive-teen-1819594956 Firefighter Died To Save Unimpressive Teen"]]: It's hard to watch the anchors telling the teen that YouShouldHaveDiedInstead, when she simply wants to get on with her life and live a good life, painfully aware that she can't live up to the example set by the man who died to save her.
94	* [[https://local.theonion.com/man-who-thought-hed-lost-all-hope-loses-last-additional-1819565674?utm_campaign=TheOnion&utm_content=1600289419&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_source=twitter Man Who Thought He'd Lost All Hope Loses Last Additional Bit Of Hope He Didn't Even Know He Still Had]]. Though it was originally written twenty years earlier, it was reposted to Twitter to mark six months of the Covid Pandemic, and...yeah. Those who actually read the article before retweeting were not disappointed, if they hoped for a soul-crushing story. A hopeless loser receives a letter from an unfamiliar address, sets it aside to read later, goes to work, realizes the letter's from an old friend, goes back home, opens it...and it's actually German authorities asking him if he knows the relatives of the friend, who died in a fire.
95	* "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mCktSlyETw Animator Misses The Birth Of His Child So Mr. Incredible Could Have Consistently Sized Penis Bulge]]" is depressing enough, but it gets worse with the final line. Not only did the man's wife leave him, but apparently, he doesn't even know where his ex-wife and their son are living.
96	* [[https://www.theonion.com/person-who-will-one-day-become-warlord-ruler-of-what-wa-1819573297 Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital]]. The last line is absolutely heartbreaking:
97	-->"He's our little angel," said his mother, whose corpse [[TragicVillain the warlord]] will disinter and fruitlessly attempt to reanimate with cybernetic technology in a desperate effort to reconnect with his youth, revealing [[EvenBadMenLoveTheirMamas the only shred of humanity left]] in his [[FromNobodyToNightmare otherwise cold and pitiless heart]]. "We're just so blessed to have him."
98	* [[https://www.theonion.com/nigeria-may-be-a-developing-nation-but-it-is-rich-in-c-1819594269 Nigeria May Be A Developing Nation, But It Is Rich In Culture vs. Get Me Out Of This Godforsaken Hellhole]]. The second opinion is gut-wrenching, it makes you feel for [[TheWoobie the guy who wrote it.]] While yes, this article is fake, [[RealismInducedHorror the world has many many millions of people who live in conditions like this in]] [[CrapsackWorld corrupt third-world countries.]]

Context TearJerker / TheOnion