Line #146 Quotes/TheThickOfIt


1	!!Malcolm Tucker
2
3	->''"He's as useless as a marzipan dildo."''
4
5	->''"Well I’ll just have to kill the both of you, then! That's a joke, by the way. Not a nice one, a nasty one, which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department."''
6
7	->''"Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know; steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before you get to the point when they're sitting 'round in the pub saying 'Oh, that fucker's got to go!' you surprise them! 'Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!' How about that, eh? What a way to go!"''
8
9	->''"How much fucking shit is there on the menu and what fucking flavour is it?"''
10
11	->''"And tell them to get their heads around it before they put pen to paper, or I'll be up their arses like a fucking Biafran ferret, right? Come on, unleash hell!"''
12
13	->''"Come the fuck in or fuck the fuck off."''
14
15	->''"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, you MASSIVE! GAY! '''SHITE!''' FUCK OFF!''"
16
17	->''"I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head!"''
18
19	->''"Who was it that did your media training, Myra Hindley? I mean it was terrible! All these hands all over the place. You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra. It was like watching John Leslie at work."''
20
21	->''"Don't you ever, EVER call me a bully.... I'm so much worse than that."''
22
23	->''"Ah, [[Series/{{Newsnight}} Paxo]], I'll miss him when he has that massive coronary."''
24
25	->''"If you do think about running with this pill story, I'll personally fucking eviscerate you, right? I mean, I don't have your education, I don't know what that means. But I'll start by ripping your cock off and I'll busk it from there. OK?"''
26
27	->''"Look, half an hour ago you were in with a shot. This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe outside the polar ice caps have melted, maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina [=McCall=]'s the new pope. Maybe you can download rice!"''
28
29	->''"Tomorrow, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want pages one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus. Y'know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of British politics with me at the center looking fucking indispensable and fucking benign. And I want page six to be... fucking ISRAEL OR SOME BULLSHIT! NOT ANOTHER DOSAC, DIPSHIT, LEGACY DISTRACTING COCK-UP!"''
30
31	->''"Scruples? Scruples? What are they? Is that those low-fat Kettle Chips?"''
32
33	->''"He’s so dense that light bends around him."''
34
35	->''"I’ve got a to-do list here that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song."''
36
37	->''"People don't like their politicians to be comfortable. They don't like you having expenses. They don't like you being paid. They'd rather you lived in a fucking cave."''
38
39	->''"Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter."''
40
41	->''"Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are to me."''
42
43	->''"Jesus Christ, see you, you're a fucking omnishambles, that's what you are. You're like that coffee machine, you know: from bean to cup, you fuck up."''
44
45	->''"I'll be with you in two shakes of a crying baby."''
46
47	->''"Well you know what, Howard? She's not bent, either in the sense of being corrupt or being gay. And by the way, [[HypocriticalHumour that's an incredibly homophobic headline, you massive poof]]."''
48
49	->''"Sacked after twelve months, looks like you've fucked up. Sacked after a week, looks like he's fucked up."''
50
51	-> ''[having been informed about [=DoSAC's=] latest cock-up] "You know what's really fucking sad here is that I don't even have the energy to pretend I already knew. Which is for the best because I'm going to need all of my fucking energy to fucking rip all your bodies to bits with my bare hands and sell off your fucking flayed skin. As a sleeping bag! To a fucking normal person!"''
52
53	->''"FUCK'S SAKE! JESUS CHRIST! Well, now we've got another fucking adjective to add to fucking 'smug' and 'glum', haven't we? 'FUCKING RETARDED!' Do you think it would not just be germane to check who you're talking to? IT'S A FUCKING NEWSPAPER OFFICE! IT'S NOT A FUCKING SANATORIUM FOR THE FUCKING DEAF! ARE YOU SO DENSE?! AM I GONNA HAVE TO RUN AROUND SLAPPING BADGES ON PEOPLE WITH A BIG TICK ON SOME AND A BIG CROSS ON OTHERS SO YOU KNOW WHEN TO SHUT YOUR GOB AND WHEN TO OPEN IT?! JESUS CHRIST, THAT'D PROBABLY CONFUSE YOU AS WELL, WOULDN'T IT? THAT'D BE TOO CONFUSING, YOU'D SEE THE CROSS AND GO 'OH, FUCK, X MARKS THE SPOT! I'D BETTER TELL THIS LITTLE PERSON ABOUT THE PRIME MINISTER'S FUCKING CATASTROPHIC ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!' Oh, but not to worry, not to worry. You've sent fucking Olly over there to deal with it. FUCKING OLLY! HE'S A FUCKING, HE'S A FUCKING KNITTED SCARF, THAT TWAT! HE'S A FUCKING BALACLAVA!"''
54
55	->''"I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I'm extremely miffed about today's events, and in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call 'violent sexual imagery', and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that."''
56
57	->''"Today, you have laid your first big fat egg of solid fuck. You took the data loss media strategy and you ate it with a lump of ''E. coli''. Then you sprayed it out of your arse at 300 miles per hour."''
58
59	->''"You got 'on the record' and 'off the record' fucking mixed up! What would have happened if, like, George Martin had done that? We'd have no fucking Beatles, that's what. Now, I don't give a fuck about that, I've had to fucking sit next to Music/PaulMcCartney at fucking Chequers."''
60
61	->''"I think we should use the 'carrot and stick' approach. You take a carrot, stick it up his fuckin' arse, followed by the stick, followed by an even bigger, rougher carrot."''
62
63	->''"I read all the blogs. Because basically I'm an underemployed fat fucking loser with nothing better to do with my time than sit in my bedroom like a fat space hopper in a tracksuit reading inconsequential, un-spellchecked shit fabricated by other fat farting fucking losers."''
64
65	->''"I won't scare you, okay, I'll just explain to you what I'm gonna fucking do to you. I'm gonna take your bollocks, I'm gonna fucking rip them off, I'm gonna fucking paint eyeballs on them. And then stitch them onto a fucking sock and use '''''that''''' as a mouthpiece."''
66
67	->''"You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking CUNT, and I will tear your fuckin' skin off, I will wear it to your mother's birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fuckin' Rhapsody, right? Now get out of my fucking sight!"''
68
69	->''[having received a cake with the words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY C*NT"] "This could be from '''anyone.'''"''
70
71	->''"Fuck me! This is like a clown running across a minefield!"''
72
73	->''"Are you producing porn for the visually impaired? Because what I'm hearing on my radio is Nicola Murray being roundly fucked."''
74
75	->''"This is like Film/TheShawshankRedemption, only with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption."''
76
77	->''"OF the moment! I said OF the moment! There is a huge difference between me saying "Nicola, I'd like to go '''for''' a lovely walk with you" and "Nicola, I'm going to make a hat out '''of''' your fucking entrails."''
78
79	->''"Stand over there, right? And DO NOT MOVE! Or I will perform a fucking living fucking autopsy on you with a fucking rusty spade and I'll have your kidneys for fucking cuff-links!"''
80
81	->''"I fucking love ghee. It's like freebasing butter."''
82
83	->''"Yeah, yeah. Andy Murray, Andy Pandy, fucking Ghandi have a hand-shandy, whatever, just fuck off out of my life."''
84
85	->''"Well, fuck a Pot Noodle. Sam, prepare my horse. I ride to [=DoSAC=]!"''
86
87	->''"I went to Spain. Mallorca. Went golfing with Stephen Hawking; he lied about his handicap. Didn't need a golf cart though, I just sat in his lap."''
88
89	->''"If you're not a prostitute or a pizza boy, FUCK OFF."''
90
91	->''[answering his phone] "Philip Schofield, I fuck lobsters for money."''
92
93	->''"If you resign, it's political fucking Jenga. You will cause a landslide that will bury this Government. And you'll keep the party in opposition until Daniel Radcliffe is advertising walk-in baths in the fucking Peoples Friend."''
94
95	->''"Some people, they just fucking love to hate. Some people, they'd fucking walk around the fucking Garden of Eden, fucking moaning about the lack of fucking mobile reception. These are the kind of fucks who watched Mandela -- fucking UsefulNotes/NelsonMandela -- walk to freedom, and said 'Is ''Diagnosis: Murder'' not on the other side?'"''
96
97	->''"I've come across a lot of psychos in my time, but none as fucking boring as you. I mean you are a really boring fuck. Sorry, sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing. You are a really boring F star star CUNT."''
98
99	->''"Fuckity bye!"''
100
101	!!Nicola Murray
102
103	->''"So I'll take your warm congratulations as... implied."''
104
105	->''"Fire up the turbo-chargers and set phasers to equality. It's Murray time!"''
106
107	->''"It's all just gone really HBO."''
108
109	->''"Well, we wanted to go to Florida but Malcolm 'suggested' that we go to Suffolk. So the kids were miserable, the weather was miserable, and Malcolm phoned to shout at me for looking miserable."''
110
111	->''"All he's doing is depriving a village somewhere of a twat."''
112
113	->''"I am standing in a factory that makes fans, right, and a man has walked in with a giant shit-spraying machine!"''
114
115	->''"What we do? Do we go after him with... y'know, one of those things you say... like, a big bum-dildo of vengeance?"''
116
117	->''"I'm cooking now! I'm fucking Delia Smith! I'm cracking eggs! I'm pouring in baking powder! I'm using fucking vanilla extract! It's fantastic!"''
118
119	->''"No need to stand, as the PM said to me this morning."''
120
121	->''"We've got no nuts. [=DoSAC=] has no nuts. There's a headline. Please don't use it."''
122
123	->''"Bollocky bollocks, it's the Ghost of Christmas Shit."''
124
125	->''"Oh, great, I'm flypaper for dickheads today."''
126
127	->''"Am I being gang-bollocked? Great double-act, you two. Good cock, bad cock."''
128
129	->''"We are a dying government! Our hair's falling out and we're coughing up blood and our kids are asking us to change the will."''
130
131	->''"It's going to be like Film/KillBill or Film/{{Get Carter\|1971}}. It's going to be get and kill Nicola and then get Carter and Bill to kill her too."''
132
133	!!Hugh Abbott
134
135	->''"I'm not quite sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on."''
136
137	->''"I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, 'No, I'm not going to read The New Statesman. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me.' Is that normal?"''
138
139	->''"That's top swearing, Glenn. Well done."''
140
141	->''"Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced, 'I'm the fucking daddy!'."''
142
143	->''"I only kept [my London flat] empty for a little while to see my bloody family. Obviously, on reflection, I should have filled it with prostitutes and rent boys and crack cocaine pimp tattoo freaks."''
144
145	->''"They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55 with no past, and no flats, and no genitals."''
146
147	->''"Robyn, all events are regional. Everything that happens in the world has to happen somewhere. Do you see? Even JFK's assassination was a regional event. But it was also very important. Like this factory visit."''
148
149	->''"I know this is what they think people like me think, so I hate thinking it, but I just find myself thinking that they're from a different fucking species. You know, with their t-shirts and weird trousers and tabards. Why do they wear clothing with writing on it? And why are they so fat?"''
150
151	->''"Sorry I'm late. Traffic was an absolute bitch. No offence, Robyn."''
152
153	->''"I think we're lucky that 'citizenship' was the first thing that came to mind. Otherwise we could have been The Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk."''
154
155	->''"I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth. Even though unknowingly I might not have done."''
156
157	!! Jamie [=MacDonald=]
158
159	->''"SHUT IT, LOVE ACTUALLY! DO YOU WANT ME TO HOLE-PUNCH YOUR FACE?!"''
160
161	->''"You know me, Malc - kid gloves, but made from real kids."''
162
163	->''"You're the fucking shittest Film/JamesBond ever. You're [[Film/CasinoRoyale1967 David fucking Niven]]."''
164
165	->''"You take the piss out of [Al] Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock. Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on to shuffle with my fucking fist! Then, every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls."''
166
167	->''"From now on, it's a proper fight. It's pub fight, Motherwell rules. And Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fuckin' eye, and a pool cue up his arse, and another pool cue in his other fuckin' eye!"''
168
169	->''"Are you a horse?"''
170
171	->''"Off the record, union Neanderthals with brains the size of children's boabies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbott's ring-stinging, shit-hot public sector reforms, but he's flying back like Creator/HarrisonFord with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other, and he's going to whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world."''
172
173	->''"What we are about to have is a secret conversation, and I hope this time you can keep a fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a South London comprehensive."''
174
175	->''"I tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait till you see him when I'm finished with him. He'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus!"''
176
177	->''"You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy did knowingly do us up the shit-hole by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am going to have your guts as a skipping rope! And your lungs sun-dried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!"''
178
179	->''"Oh God, enough of the pleasantries. Let's just oil up and get fucking, eh?"''
180
181	!! Glenn Cullen
182
183	->''"This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit."''
184
185	->''"It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips."''
186
187	->''"Fucking hell! Fuck! Jesus, I'm not a joke, okay, all right, hello? I am a man. I am a man, you know, you know?! This, THIS!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE!!!! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE!! And, it's collapsing in front of me. You know, Tom's lot, they're never going to want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now, he... Jesus Christ, this is all, I AM A MAN!!!!!! AND, NO YOU DON'T, I'M IRRELEVANT!! NO, NO GO AWAY, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant! FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO TINKY WINKY?!! WELL FUCK TINKY WINKY, FUCK YOU TINKY WINKY!!! AUF WIEDERSEHEN, PET, THE PARTY'S OVER, [[Music/GoodbyeYellowBrickRoad GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD]], WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! HE HAD A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE?!! FUCK US ALL!!!!"''
188
189	->''"Tom Rudd is army slang for standing up buggery."''
190
191	->''"Elderly aide? That makes me sound like a fucking stairlift."''
192
193	->''"This is a fucking joke. Ben Swain, ''Chancellor''? He goes into debt every time he passes a sweet shop!"''
194
195	!! Ollie Reeder
196
197	->''"I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death. But that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive."''
198
199	->''[to his girlfriend] "It is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend at daddy's, vacuous nothing!"''
200
201	->''"On the scrapheap at the tender age of 76. It's no life for you, is it, Glenn? Do you want me to call Dignitas? I could call '''''In'''''dignitas. They could come round and shove you out of the window dressed as a clown."''
202
203	->''[in regards to Malcolm] "He likes to think of himself as more of a thin, white Mugabe."''
204
205	->''"You can't overwrite minutes! Well, you specifically can't, because you don't know how to unlock the pdf file."''
206
207	->''[to Phil] "This inability to talk without using Lord of the Rings metaphors is one of the very many reasons that we could never be friends."''
208
209	->''"He's old and sullen, vote for Cullen?"''
210
211	->''"What would you call that? Obsessive Repulsive Disorder?"''
212
213	->''"You like bath salts, you're basically an idiot."''
214
215	!! Steve Fleming
216
217	->''"I cannot '''''believe''''' the energy going into Andy Murray! I can't!"''
218
219	->''"I wouldn't tell you what I've just told you before I told the press pack, would I? That would be very very unprofessional. So there's no point in getting angry because the show's over. It's curtains. No curtain call. Everyone loved the show, but it just wasn't buttering any parsnips any more, brother!"''
220
221	->''"This is an acutely private moment, Julius. Would it seem terribly rude if I asked you to SSSSHIT OFF for five minutes?"''
222
223	->''"I am gonna join Dan Miller's team and we are gonna take you down! We are gonna take you down to Funky Town! Funky Town centre, here you come! CHOO FUCKING CHOO!"''
224
225	!! Terri Coverley
226
227	->''"We don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat."''
228
229	->''"It's not my role to have a preference. I sell the apples. If you want me to sell the apples, I'll sell the apples, and if you want me to sell oranges, I'll go and tell people that the apples, the apples are shit, Ollie, they're shit. I'll say 'Go on, check out our oranges!'"''
230
231	->''"Well it was a bit of a shock for us. In a good way. Like twins or a tax rebate."''
232
233	->''"The problem is that if you say to a journalist, 'Can you avoid that topic?' that's when they really go for it. It's like saying to the school bully, 'I'll wet myself if you tickle me.'"''
234
235	->''"That is a complete disaster. There will be nothing else on television for weeks now."''
236
237	->''"That boy is a simpleton. Two hundred years ago, they wouldn't have let him milk a cow."''
238
239	!! Peter Mannion
240
241	->''"Have you ever Googled your own name? It's like opening a door to a room where everyone tells you how shit you are."''
242
243	->''[after being asked to experiment with an untucked shirt] "I always tuck my shirt in, it's part of getting dressed. What, should I not do my flies up either? Let the old chap flop out? Is that modern enough for you?"''
244
245	->''"Ah, Stewart. What flavour of nut-brown piss are you going to pour in my ear?"''
246
247	->''"The Fucker?! And here you thought he was just a myth created to frighten naughty [=MPs=] into eating their truffles and swan."''
248
249	->''"I'm sensing a change in management styles. From touchy-feely to smashy-testes."''
250
251	->''"Sorry darling, I have to go -- I think the bailiffs are coming to take away my will to live."''
252
253	->''"The only way this policy launch could be worse is if I understood the bloody thing."''
254
255	->''"I'm bored of this. I'm going for a Twix."''
256
257	->''"Fuck you. You're not getting in my car tonight."''
258
259	->''"Stewart, any thoughts from within your fucking dream yurt?"''
260
261	!! Stewart Pearson
262
263	->''"I like the plasmic nature of your data modelling."''
264
265	->''"Let's imagineer a narrative."''
266
267	->''"All right, my children of a lesser god, listen up! There's a file marked 'Snap Election Drill' on the J drive. If you don't know how to access the J drive, turn your pass in at reception, go and buy some silver body paint, and pretend to be a robot on the South Bank. COME ON, FLY, MY PRETTIES, FLY!"''
268
269	->''"OK, lovely people, let's go truffling in the forest of knowledge!"''
270
271	->''"You know, I've spent the last ten years detoxifying this party. It's been a bit like renovating an old, old house. Oh, you can take out a sexist beam here, a callous window there, replace the odd...homophobic roof-tile, but after a while you begin to realize that this renovation is doomed. Because the foundation is built on what I can only describe as a solid bed of cunts."''
272
273	!! Cal "The Fucker" Richards
274
275	->''"And while you're there, could you do me another favour, please? Could you find a hostel, go there, and take a fucking overdose of barbiturates?"''
276
277	->''"'''''''FUCK, THAT IS BRILLIANT! THAT IS INSPIRED! WHAT SAUCE! GET IN! "IT'S THE ECONOMY, STEW-POT!"''''' ''FUCK, WHAT I REALLY NEED TO DO IS SHOOT YOU ALL IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD -- FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! -- BUT I CAN'T, BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL!"''
278
279	!!Fergus Williams
280
281	->''[seeing the small audience at his policy launch] "Is that it? It looks like a paedophile's funeral."''
282
283	->''"Does he understand the policy? Forgive my concern, but it's a bit like asking if a dog can grasp the concept of Norway."''
284
285	!!Ben Swain
286	->''"Oh, sweet giver of blood sugar."''
287
288	->''"Because I'm bored, it's funny, and I hate you. There you are, the Holy Trinity of why."''
289
290
291	->''"Right. Our guest tonight on "I Don't Give A Fuck About Baby Horses" is me."''
292
293	->''[when asked about his morning routine] "Big shit. Granola. Check the email. Shower and a shave. Espresso. Sometimes a second shit."''
294
295	->''"Ho-hoh! Chumba-fucking-wumba."''
296
297	->''"I'm going to head in the direction of confection - any snackage, anyone?"''
298
299	!!Dialogue
300
301	->'''Glenn:''' And we've probably got ten million we can throw at it.
302	->'''Hugh:''' Yes. That's good, that, because it sounds like a lot, doesn't it?
303
304	->'''Malcolm:''' ''[arriving at a briefing]'' Morning, morning, morning! [[Series/{{Balamory}} What's the story in Bala-fucking-mory?]]
305	->'''Press Officer:''' Reshuffle!
306	->'''Malcolm:''' Excellent! You win a year's supply of condoms, which in your case is four.
307
308	->'''Hugh:''' I'm gonna go to the PM, and I'm gonna tell him straight up, this bill is a load of old bollocks!
309	->'''Glenn:''' No, you're not.
310	->'''Hugh:''' No, I'm not, but it'd be great if I did, wouldn't it?
311
312	->'''Malcolm:''' I'm gonna have a swear box installed on Monday, by the way.
313	->'''Hugh:''' What?
314	->'''Malcolm:''' Fucking joking, you twat!
315
316	->'''Jamie:''' ''[to Ollie]'' Ey, Poxbridge! Hey dickhead, Happy New Queer!\
317	'''Malcolm:''' ''[to Emma]'' I'm really sorry. I apologise for my friend's behaviour. Don't be so offensive. ''[to Ollie]'' Did you have a nice Poofmas?
318
319	->'''Jamie:''' ''[pretending to interview Ben Swain]'' Immigration is in disarray. Now, what are you going to do about it?
320	->'''Ben:''' Well, first of all I would have to take issue with your contention that immigration is in disarray...
321	->'''Jamie:''' Oh, answer the question, you ''fat fuck!''
322
323	->'''Stewart:''' Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line. Whether you're really up to speed?\
324	'''Peter:''' Well, I don't know, am I? Because I get people stopping me in the street and saying "Are you still for locking up yobbos?" and I say "Yeah, of course we are!" and then I think 'Are we?' because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos, or not even call them yobbos. Call them ''young men with issues around stabbing''.
325
326	->'''Peter:''' This is the trouble with the public, they're fucking horrible!\
327	'''Emma:''' Peter, you can't say the public are fucking horrible.\
328	'''Peter:''' Yes, I can, I've met them.
329
330	->'''Adam:''' Ben Swain? Right... I literally don't know who he is. I'm not being funny or anything, I physically don't know who Ben Swain is. He could be the leader of the Special Boat Squadron --
331	->'''Angela:''' Service.
332	->'''Adam:''' -- The Special Boat Service or whatever it's fucking called, and this could be a massive coup.
333
334
335	->'''Jamie:''' I'm not leaving it to you. You couldn't organise a bum-rape in a barracks.\
336	'''Malcolm:''' ''Au contraire''.
337
338	->'''Nicola:''' She's a bit of a rebel.\
339	'''Malcolm:''' What sort of a rebel are we talking about here? A pierced navel, or holidays at Pakistani training camps?\
340	'''Nicola:''' ''(deadpan)'' It's chiefly heroin. Although she has cut down since getting pregnant by that Nigerian people-smuggler because the track marks would have affected her porn career.
341
342	->'''Malcolm:''' Let's run some tits up the flagpole and see if anyone gets wood.\
343	'''Nicola:''' Christ, it's like being trapped in a fucking boys' toilet.
344
345	->'''Stewart:''' Ah, Peter, glad we could hook up. Just wanted to take a couple of turns with you on the ideas carousel, yeah? Think of ways we can turn your team into a little cluster of excellence.
346	->'''Peter:''' Oh, you mean you wanted to have a chat.
347
348	->'''Peter:''' And speaking of rabies injections...\
349	'''Malcolm:''' I didn't know you were still alive. How's the 80's tribute band? Still doing the Robert Palmer lookalike?\
350	'''Peter:''' Malcolm. You're looking well... for someone twice your age. Any news on the aneurysm?
351
352	->'''Terri''': For your information, I have done nothing!\
353	'''Glenn''': That will be your epitaph, Terri.
354
355	->'''Nicola:''' It's cause I'm the girl at the party no one wants to dance with. I'm the freak in the corner with a pint of cider and blackcurrant.\
356	'''Glenn:''' We would still like to dance with you.\
357	'''Nicola:''' Oh, fuck off and go and put your glasses back on. We all know you do that every time you walk in here.
358
359	->'''Peter:''' The stupid one keeps staring at me.\
360	'''Phil:''' That's because she's a mentalist and she loves you. If you ever crash your car in the mountains, she'll be the one waiting to pull you out! Have you seen ''{{Film/Misery}}''?\
361	'''Peter:''' I'm at the fucking BBC, aren't I?
362
363	->'''Nicola:''' You're about as on the ball today as a dead seal.\
364	'''Malcolm:''' Hey, that's one of my fucking lines!
365
366	->'''Steve:''' We both know we don't like each other. Everyone knows that. We are the [[Music/{{Oasis}} Gallagher brothers]] of politics.
367	->'''Malcolm:''' How does that work? Does that mean that I'm the semi-talented songwriter and you're the fucking loutish prick? That's a lovely analogy.
368
369	->'''Malcolm:''' What's that film that you love?\
370	'''Ollie:''' What film?\
371	'''Malcolm:''' The one about the fucking hairdresser. The space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy's... He's got a tinfoil pal and a pedal bin. His father is a robot and he has ''fucking'' fucked his sister! ...LEGO! They're all made of fucking Lego!\
372	'''Ollie:''' Franchise/StarWars?\
373	'''Malcolm:''' That's the one! It's like that, okay? You're gonna fucking kill all the bad guys and you'll be able to blow up the big...\
374	'''Ollie:''' Death Star?\
375	'''Malcolm:''' ''Death Star-thing''! Then you can go and live happily ever after on the Planet of the Teddy Bears.\
376	'''Ollie:''' Ewoks. They're Ewoks.
377
378	->'''Terri:''' Okay, I'm going to take off my media hat.\
379	'''Nicola:''' I honestly never thought you had one.
380
381	->'''Julius:''' You've done some pretty awful things to me in my time, but this takes the bloody biscuit. And you've ''pissed'' on that biscuit, and ''I''[='ve=] got to eat it! Well, here's the news, Malcolm: I will ''not'' eat the pissy biscuit!\
382	'''Malcolm:''' SAM, NO PISSY BISCUITS!
383
384	->'''Robyn:''' Do you know, Malcolm?\
385	''(Malcolm slowly turns around to face her)''\
386	'''Robyn:''' Er, the best way to clear a paper jam?\
387	'''Malcolm:''' ''(with faked joviality)'' I don't know... Kill a kid an hour until it sorts itself out?
388
389	->''[in response to Ben Swain's car crash ''Newsnight'' interview]''\
390	'''Ollie:''' He looks like what happens when you punch a cow.\
391	'''Phil:''' Oh my God, this is like watching a lion rape a sheep, but in a bad way.\
392	'''Jamie:''' The ''cameramen'' are laughing.\
393	'''Ollie:''' He spelled "just" with four ''J''s!\
394	'''Malcolm:''' He's like a chicken! He's like an enormous chicken!\
395	'''Emma:''' He looked like that little guy on the green who shouts "You're an Arab!" at everyone.\
396	'''Jamie:''' You don't deserve to ''live''!\
397	'''Glenn:''' That was the worst thing I have ever seen. And I was in 'Nam.

Context Quotes / TheThickOfIt