Line #86 Quotes/JerkassGods


1	[[foldercontrol]]
2
3	[[folder:Anime and Manga]]
4	->''[Beerus is about to [[EarthShatteringKaboom destroy the Earth]]]''\
5	'''Goku''': Wait! Don't do it, Beerus!\
6	'''Beerus''': You have yourself to blame.\
7	'''Goku''': Are billions of lives just disposable toys for you to play with?!\
8	'''Beerus''': [[BluntYes But of course they are, Goku.]] I'm a deity. What's more important: one backwater world, or a battle of gods? It's not even a question.
9	-->-- ''Anime/DragonBallSuper''
10
11	->'''God:''' [[NoIndoorVoice WHAT DO YOU ASK OF GOD, PUNPUN?]]\
12	'''[=PunPun=]:''' Is there any way for mom and dad to be nice to each other again?\
13	'''God:''' YOU KNOW, PAL, GOD'S GETTING KIND OF TIRED OF THIS TOPIC.
14	-->-- ''Manga/GoodnightPunPun''
15	[[/folder]]
16
17	[[folder:Comedy]]
18	->''"Now, there is a big difference between the Old Testament and the New Testament, and that is the New Testament God is really kind of a great guy. He is, especially when you compare him to the Old Testament God, who is a prick. I don't know what happened to God over time, how he matured, if he went to an anger management class, or maybe just the birth of his son calmed him down. But before he had the kid, holy fuck he was out of control."''
19	-->-- '''Creator/LewisBlack''', ''Red, White and Screwed''
20	[[/folder]]
21
22	[[folder:Comic Books]]
23	->''"The [Old] Gods don't give a '''damn''' about us!"''
24	-->-- '''Uxas''', ''ComicBook/{{Darkseid}}''
25
26	->'''Ishi Barasume:''' So you think Labelas [Enoreth] might be an evil spirit?\
27	'''[[ThePaladin Priam Agrivar]]:''' No. I tried a DetectEvil. Nothing. But look at the havoc he has raised.\
28	'''Ishi:''' The buildings were wrecked in a battle with another god -- not fully Labelas' fault. As for the people -- he said that was a mistake, and would sort it out as soon as he regained full power.\
29	'''Priam:''' He has made many such "mistakes". His actions seem not evil but... ''uncaring''.
30	-->--''ComicBook/ForgottenRealms'' # 17
31
32	->''"The gods are such petty fools. [[SelfDeprecation None moreso than me.]]"''
33	-->-- '''Loki''', ''ComicBook/Thor2014''
34	[[/folder]]
35
36	[[folder:Fan Works]]
37	->''"You so-called gods and higher powers are all the same; you're a bunch of selfish dirt-bags who don't care about anything but yourselves!"''
38	-->-- '''Buffy''' to Jasmine, ''FanFic/BringMeToLife''
39	[[/folder]]
40
41	[[folder:Film]]
42	->'''Gozer''': Are you a god?\
43	'''Ray''': ... No.\
44	'''Gozer''': Then... DIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!
45	-->-- ''Film/Ghostbusters1984''
46
47	->'''Seth:''' Died instantly?\
48	'''Jacob''': Not quite. She was [[CruelAndUnusualDeath trapped in the wreck for about six hours]] before she passed on.\
49	'''Seth''': Yeah, those acts of God really stick it in and break it off, don't they?\
50	'''Jacob''': Yes, they do.
51	-->-- ''Film/FromDuskTillDawn''
52
53	->''"Are there no gods... no Buddha? If you exist, hear me. You are mischievous and cruel! Are you so bored up there you must crush us like ants? Is it such fun to see men weep?"''
54	-->--'''Kyoami''', ''Film/{{Ran}}''
55	[[/folder]]
56
57	[[folder:Literature]]
58	->'''Jon''': I do not know. And if the gods are good, I never will.\
59	'''Tormund''': The gods are seldom good, Jon Snow.
60	-->-- ''Literature/ASongOfIceAndFire'': ''Literature/ADanceWithDragons''
61
62	->''In fact, no gods anywhere play [[CosmicChessGame chess.]] They haven’t got the imagination. Gods prefer simple, vicious games, where you Do Not Achieve Transcendence but Go Straight To Oblivion; a key to the understanding of all religion is that a god’s idea of amusement is Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.''
63	-->-- ''Literature/WyrdSisters''
64
65	->''Back in ancient Greece and Rome they had gods all over the place, and it was no fun at all being a mortal, as you know if you ever read any myths:\
66	"One day two young lovers, Vector and Prolix, were walking in a garden. This angered Bruno, the god of gardens, so he turned Vector into a toad. Saddened, Prolix picked up her lover and squeezed him to her bosom, which caused him to secrete a toad secretion upon her garment. This angered Vito, the god of fabric, who turned Prolix into an exceedingly unattractive insect. Saddened, Vector hopped to his lover, which angered Denise, who was the goddess of municipal water supply and just happened to be in the neighborhood, so she hit them both with a rock."''
67	-->--Creator/DaveBarry
68
69	->These gods and goddesses - they seemed to have as many different aliases as a modern criminal. Indeed they seemed to be definitely criminal types. Drink, debauchery, incest, rape, loot, homicide and chicanery - enough to keep a ''juge d'Instruction'' constantly busy. No decent family life. No order, no method. Even in their crimes, no order or method!
70	-->--'''Literature/HerculePoirot''' reads up on his namesake, ''Literature/TheLaboursOfHercules''
71
72	->'''Poppy:''' Do we have any other evidence that it's ending? I mean besides [[CrystalDragonJesus Ember]]'s say-so?
73	->'''Josh:''' Sweetie, He is the god of us. He probably knows.
74	->'''Poppy:''' He's not infallible.
75	->'''Josh:''' How do you know?
76	->'''Janet:''' Because if He were infallible, He wouldn't be [[SmallNameBigEgo such a twat all the time]].
77	-->--''[[Literature/TheMagicians The Magician's Land]]''
78	[[/folder]]
79
80	[[folder:Live-Action TV]]
81
82	->'''Catelyn Stark:''' That is what you want the world to believe, isn't it? That you don't fear death.\
83	'''Jaime Lannister:''' But I don't my lady. The dark is coming for us all. Why grab at it?
84	->'''Catelyn:''' Because you you are going to the ''deepest'' of the seven hells if the gods are just. \
85	'''Jaime:''' What gods are those? The trees your husband prayed to? Where were the trees when your husband was getting his head chopped off? If your gods were real and they were just, why is the world so filled with injustice?\
86	'''Catelyn:''' [[ShutUpHannibal Because of men like you.]]\
87	'''Jaime:''' [[BadassBoast There are no men like me. Only me.]]
88	-->-- ''Series/GameOfThrones''
89
90	->''"The Lord of Light wants his enemies burned. The Drowned God wants them drowned. [[SeinfeldianConversation Why are all the gods such vicious cunts?]] Where's the god of tits and wine?"''
91	-->-- '''Tyrion Lannister''', ''Series/GameOfThrones''
92
93	->'''High Sparrow:''' You would spill blood in this holy place?\
94	'''Jaime Lannister:''' The gods won't mind. They spill more blood than the rest of us combined.
95	-->-- ''Series/GameOfThrones''
96
97	->''This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.''
98	-->-- ''Series/HerculesTheLegendaryJourneys''
99
100	->'''Claudius:''' Why are you so anxious to become a goddess?\
101	'''Livia:''' Oh, don't you understand? Claudius, do you believe that the souls of great criminals suffer eternal torment?\
102	'''Claudius:''' Certainly.\
103	'''Livia:''' But that the immortal gods, whatever crimes they have committed, are free from fear of punishment?\
104	'''Claudius:''' Of course. Jove deposed his father, killed one of his grandsons and incestuously married his own sister. He's the greatest god of all.
105	-->-- ''Series/IClaudius''
106
107	->''"Sebaceans once had a god called Djancaz-Bru. Six worlds prayed to her. They built her temples, conquered planets in her name. And one day she rose up and destroyed all six worlds. And as the last warrior was dying, he said, "We gave you everything. Why did you destroy us?" And she looked down upon him and she whispered: "Because I can"."''
108	-->-- '''Aeryn Sun''', ''Series/{{Farscape}}'', "[[Recap/FarscapeS04E18Prayer Prayer]]"
109	[[/folder]]
110
111	[[folder:Tabletop Games]]
112	->Omnipotent, immortal, sometimes petty, and always beyond understanding, the gods are the perfect manifestation of the end of the world. Whatever scares you, whatever you think could destroy the world, it's represented through one set of myths or another. For everything from conflicts between two world powers, to environmental disasters, to misunderstandings across cultural boundaries, there's a metaphor to be found in eschatological scenarios of the world's myths. In many ways, the gods of the world's mythologies embody [[HumansAreBastards all the worst aspects of humanity]] pushed to eleven: [[ItsAllAboutMe self-concerned]], [[TheUnfettered merciless]], and [[HairTriggerTemper wrathful]].
113	-->-- ''TabletopGame/TheEndOfTheWorld: Wrath Of The Gods''
114	[[/folder]]
115
116	[[folder:Theatre]]
117	->''And Zeus said, "No,\
118	You better let me\
119	Use my lightning, like scissors,\
120	Like I cut the legs off the whales\
121	And dinosaurs into lizards."\
122	Then he grabbed up some bolts\
123	And he let out a laugh,\
124	Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.\
125	Gonna cut them right up in half."''
126	-->-- '''Theatre/HedwigAndTheAngryInch''', "''The Origin of Love''"
127
128	->''"As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods, they kill us for their sport."''
129	-->--'''Gloucester''', ''Theatre/KingLear'', Act IV, Scene 1
130	[[/folder]]
131
132	[[folder:Video Games]]
133	->''Gods ain't gonna help you, son\
134	You'll be sorry for what you done.\
135	Them gods gonna hurt you, son\
136	When you play with a loaded gun.\
137	They ain't gonna catch you when you fall.\
138	You'll be pleading\
139	While you're bleeding.''
140	-->-- '''VideoGame/{{Bastion}}''' ''The Pantheon (Ain't Gonna Catch You)''
141
142	->''"Gods are above living things, [[LackOfEmpathy which doesn't necessarily mean we care about them]]."''
143	-->-- '''Hades''', ''VideoGame/KidIcarusUprising''
144
145	->''"'Hell take me?' It is a saying from my village and the region about. These Deathless are the gods; they claim to rule the earth and the heavens. And so, when we die, we wish for a place where they are not. Better the pains of hell than living in heaven beneath the Deathless."''
146	-->-- '''Siris''', ''VideoGame/InfinityBlade: Awakening''
147
148	->'''[[NoNameGiven Guardian of the Park]]''': ''After a giant concrete mascot changes direction in midair, saving a girl'' The power of the gods! The power of the gods saved that little girl!\
149	'''Sissel''': [[DeadpanSnarker ...And then that same power very deliberately crushed you instead?]]
150	-->-- ''VideoGame/GhostTrick''
151
152	->''"Yes, you did sign up to be turned into a porcupine and chased by a berserk blink frog."''
153	-->-- '''##crawl learndb''' describing Xom, ''VideoGame/DungeonCrawl''
154
155	->''"Once, the Lord of Light banished Dark, and all that stemmed from Humanity. And men assumed a fleeting form. These are the roots of our world! Men are ''props'' on the stage of life, and no matter how tender, how exquisite... A LIE WILL REMAIN A LIE!"''
156	-->-- '''Aldia, Scholar of the First Sin''', ''VideoGame/DarkSoulsII''
157
158	->'''Atreus:''' Why do you hate Thor so much?\
159	'''Spirit:''' After my father passed, my mother built the statue to watch over his grave. Imagine our surprise when the God of Thunder himself came to offer condolences! At first we were thrilled, but he quickly took advantage of our hospitality. My mother begged him to leave, and Thor, in his drunken rage, killed her. I was left with nothing but grief. Eventually, I lost that as well... and found only rage in its place.\
160	''[later]''\
161	'''Kratos:''' The spirit...\
162	'''Atreus:''' The one whose Mom was killed by Thor? What about him?\
163	'''Kratos:''' Let his story be a reminder. The lives of Men mean nothing to the gods.
164	-->-- ''VideoGame/GodOfWarPS4''
165
166	->''"Let me tell you the one truth about what it means to be a god: it is to be the lion in a world of lambs. It is about ''power'', and power is not given. It is taken. With your all-seeing eyes and your all-consuming teeth."''
167	-->-- The PlayerCharacter's '''Patron God''', ''VideoGame/DivinityOriginalSinII''
168
169	->''"If I had intended humans to breath in a vacuum, I would have given them lungs of rock. But it seems I did not. Therefore, smite them down, in that way of mine that is unmistakably unambiguous."''
170	-->--'''Arkvoodle''', ''[[VideoGame/DestroyAllHumans Destroy All Humans! 2]]''
171
172	->''"God is capricious. Fortunate or disastrous, it all depends on their mood. This world is their box garden, after all... No matter how we try, we are no match for them as long as we are human... No matter how much we wish to see the blue skies of tomorrow..."''
173	-->-- '''Creeping Bugleweed''', ''VideoGame/FlowerKnightGirl''
174	[[/folder]]
175
176	[[folder:Webcomics]]
177	->'''God:''' ''[After [[PublicDomainArtifact Pandora's Box]] is opened]'' Haaaa! I can't believe that worked!\
178	'''Goddess:''' If you want evil why don't you just release it yourself?\
179	'''God:''' It's so much worse if it's their fault.
180	-->-- ''Webcomic/{{Oglaf}}'', [[https://www.oglaf.com/theodicy/ "Theodicy"]]
181
182	->'''Belkar:''' Are you for real?!? Do you seriously not get the score here? Look at what you're saying! You're asking why the jerks at the top of the heap would rather burn it all down than let someone new get a piece of their action. That's the '''most''' believable thing I've ever heard!!\
183	'''Haley:''' Yeah... yeah, think about it. You're suggesting that the people in power with the most to lose are going to let themselves get extorted into concessions when they have the option to just...'''not''' do that.\
184	'''Belkar:''' All for the low, low price of all of us disposable schmucks!\
185	'''Lien:''' Hey, I don't really appreciate that characterization. I'm sure my gods-\
186	'''Serini:''' I'm sure your gods will wring their hands and tell each other they wish they didn't have to do it. Right up until the moment they do it.\
187	'''Belkar:''' Yeah, they'll be all, "Oooo, we can't let the bad thing fall into the wrong hands!"\
188	'''Serini:''' Haha, yeah, good guys love that line.\
189	'''Belkar:''' Like who decided '''their''' hands are so frickin' great?
190	-->-- ''Webcomic/TheOrderOfTheStick''
191	[[/folder]]
192
193	[[folder:Web Original]]
194	->''Who would ever worship someone as abusive as Zeus is?\
195	You're ruthless to Humans!\
196	Your crew is like the [[Film/ClashOfTheTitans2010 Clash Of The Douches!]]''
197	-->--'''Thor''', ''WebVideo/EpicRapBattlesOfHistory''
198
199	->''"God in this movie is a dick. The movie is supposed to be about Evan being some major asshole and through his experience of building the ark he is supposed to get his comeuppance and grow as a person. In some cases like ''Film/TheSantaClause1'' that works... But God in this movie takes it upon himself to personally f*ck over Evan taking away his job, money, friends, associates, and also to punish him in a myriad of ways for his own personal jollies. Evan really doesn't deserve all this crap and it is odd that I feel sorry for this sad pathetic man who [[InformedWrongness really doesn’t deserve a tenth of what he is really getting]]. That’s not the sign of a good movie is it? Feeling bad for the person who is supposedly getting their much deserved lesson/comeuppance? If I were being a real prick, I would ask why God is [[UnfortunateImplications saving some 20 people from a flood in the suburbs]] and he let [[TheBigEasy Katrina]] go no problem?"''
200	-->--'''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Miles Antwiler]]''' [[http://moviemoses.wordpress.com/2010/04/20/e/ on]] ''Film/EvanAlmighty''
201
202	->''"The root problem with Christianity is that their God is supposed to be all-powerful and benevolent. It sounds like an easy sell, but when life turns completely to shit you have to come up with all kinds of wacked-out reasons for why kindly old Jehovah saw fit to run over little Timmy with a combine harvester and leave him in a state of vegetative limbless agony for eighteen years. Ancient cultures didn't have that problem - they knew their gods were a bunch of drunken lunatics who ran around boning their close relatives and turning their goolies into fruit-bearing trees."''
203	-->-- '''Yahtzee Croshaw''', ''WebAnimation/ZeroPunctuation''
204
205	->''"But you also might notice that the Aesir don't really come across as all that good here. They break their oaths, cheat their way out of debts, torment and abuse Loki even on the rare occasion where the problem wasn't his fault. They're not painted as particularly divine."''
206	-->-- ''WebAnimation/OverlySarcasticProductions'', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDwQ3MA2Ne0 Miscellaneous Myths: Loki]]
207
208	->'''God:''' Yo, what up.\
209	'''Horse:''' Who are you?\
210	'''God:''' I'm God, ya banana head.\
211	'''Horse:''' God? Look what happened.\
212	'''God:''' ''[laughs]'' I know, I did that. It's [[spoiler: a molasses flood]]. You crazy for this one, God.\
213	'''Horse:''' But why?\
214	'''God:''' I don't know, I'm a little freak. I can do anything I want. ''[laughs again]''
215	-->-- ''WebVideo/PuppetHistory''
216
217	->''"You're not our children. You are a bad first draft."''
218	-->-- '''Asmodeus''', ''WebVideo/CriticalRoleExandriaUnlimited: Calamity''
219	[[/folder]]
220
221	[[folder:Real Life]]
222	->[[UsefulNotes/AncientGreece The Greeks got it right]], the Greeks understood perfectly that if there ''were'' divine beings, they are capricious, unkind, malicious, temperamental, envious, and mostly deeply unpleasant.
223	-->-- '''Creator/StephenFry'''
224
225	->You can find things in the traditional religions which are very benign and decent and wonderful and so on, but I mean, the Bible is probably the most genocidal book in the literary canon. The God of the Bible, not only did He order His chosen people to carry out literal genocide--I mean, wipe out every Amalekite [[FinalSolution to the last man, woman, child, and]], you know, [[EspeciallyZoidberg donkey and so on]], because hundreds of years ago [[DisproportionateRetribution they got in your way when you were trying to cross the desert]]-- not only did He do things like that, but, after all, the God of the Bible was ready to destroy every living creature on earth because some humans irritated Him. That's the story of Noah. I mean, that's beyond genocide; you don't know how to describe this creature. Somebody offended Him, and He was going to destroy every living being on earth? And then He was ''talked into'' allowing two of each species to stay alive, that's supposed to be [[{{Glurge}} gentle and wonderful.]]
226	-->-- '''Noam Chomsky'''
227	[[/folder]]

Context Quotes / JerkassGods