Line #150 Quotes/GallowsHumor


1	->''You cannot spell "Slaughter" without "Laughter"!''
2	-->-- [[FauxtivationalPoster Demotivational poster]]
3	----
4
5	[[foldercontrol]]
6
7	[[folder:Fiction]]
8	->''"Whatever success I've had aside, between you and me? ''This'' [[[StandUpComedy routine]]] right here, I've been doing it since I was 18, this is the difference between paycheck... and medication and bedcheck. And don't get me wrong. I want to hear your pain! For God's sake, just put it in joke form, that's all."''
9	-->-- '''Creator/ChristopherTitus''', ''Norman Rockwell is Bleeding''
10
11	->''Laughing is all I can do\
12	Trying to keep from falling through\
13	Nothing ever changes\
14	Nothing ever changes''
15	-->-- '''Music/TheWildhearts''', "Nothing Ever Changes"
16
17	->''"If you can't stop the bad thoughts from coming to visit, at least you can make fun of them while they're hanging around."''
18	-->-- '''Harry Dresden''', ''Literature/TurnCoat''
19
20	->'''Gloria:''' My father raped me when I was twelve.\
21	'''Arthur:''' So, you had six relatively good years.
22	-->--''Film/{{Arthur 1981}}'' (1981 film)
23
24	->''“When you lose the power to laugh, you lose your power to think straight.”''
25	-->-- '''Jerome Lawrence''', ''Film/InheritTheWind''
26
27	->[preparing to surrender to police]\
28	'''Alfred:''' I suppose they'll lock me up as well. As your "accomplice".\
29	'''Bruce:''' Accomplice? I'm going to tell them [[TheButlerDidIt the whole thing was your idea.]]
30	-->-- ''Film/TheDarkKnight''
31
32	->'''Londo''': How fast does the poison work?\
33	'''Vir''': Very quickly, he said almost instantaneously.\
34	'''Londo''': "Almost"? Feh! How fast is almost? Time enough for him to stagger back into the main room and cry out: "Londo killed me!"? Or maybe just enough time for him to say: "Londo kill... aargh"?\
35	'''Vir''': And then he won't even get ''that'' out. I mean, maybe he'll just go: "Lon.. arrgh". Or maybe he's totally delirious and then say everything backwards: "Kill Londo!"
36	-->-- ''Series/BabylonFive'', "The Long Night"
37
38	->'''Louis''': I don't wanna go to your funeral.
39	->'''Charlie:''' Good. 'Cause I don't wanna see ''you'' there with all that leather and latex shining and taking attention away from my casket.
40	-->-- ''Film/TheButler''
41
42	->'''Xander:''' I might need a parrot.
43	->'''Willow:''' Huh?
44	->'''Xander:''' Well, to go with the eye patch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
45	->'''Willow:''' Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a "2 Body Parts For the Price of 1" kind of deal.
46	->'''Xander:''' You know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch ''Film/Jaws3D'' again!
47	->'''Willow:''' Yeah, and... ''(sniffles)'' you'll never have to... ''(chokes up)''
48	->'''Xander:''' Oh, Willow. Please don't.
49	-->-- ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer'', "Empty Places"
50
51	->''"We had to joke about it, because the alternative was to be scared out of your wits."''
52	-->-- '''Katniss Everdeen''', ''Literature/TheHungerGames''
53
54	->'''C-3PO''': His high exaltedness, the Great Jabba the Hutt, has decreed that you are to be terminated immediately.
55	->'''Han Solo''': Good! I hate long waits.
56	-->-- ''Film/ReturnOfTheJedi''
57
58	->'''Worf''': It appears all we have left to do now is be executed.\
59	'''Ezri''': Sounds like a lazy day to me.
60	-->-- ''Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine'', "Strange Bedfellows"
61
62	->'''Chakotay:''' Seven, I want ''good'' news and that’s an order!\
63	'''Seven:''' Then I must disobey.
64	-->-- ''Series/StarTrekVoyager'', "Night"
65
66	->'''Cpl. Gabe Garza:''' How's it feel, motherfucker? How's it feel to be fuckin' dead?
67	->'''Cpl. Jason Lilley:''' Bro, it feels sad. I feel very alone. And also, I gotta take a shit.
68	-->-- ''Series/GenerationKill''
69
70	->''"If you must mount the gallows, give a jest to the crowd, a coin to the hangman, and make the drop with a smile on your lips."''
71	-->-- '''Birgitte Silverbow''', ''Literature/TheWheelOfTime''
72
73	->''"All humor is gallows humor, and it is on the gallows that we are constrained to learn it."''
74	-->-- '''Creator/HermannHesse''', ''Literature/{{Steppenwolf}}''
75
76	->'''Laugh''' or you'll cry. In the middle of all the bullshit we have to put up with - and believe me, [[CrapsackWorld it's worse than you can imagine]] - you have to remember we've been given some tremendous gifts. In spite of it all, kid, we're lucky - damn lucky. We get to ''fly'' after all.
77	->So laugh. Look for the humor in everything, because sure as spit it's there, and after [[EyeScream drinking dead men's eyes]] and seeing the horror this rock holds, you'll need it. A moment of laughter at a bad time can tide you over through a bad patch, until you can get the wind behind you and realize how sweet life really is.
78	-->-- ''TabletopGame/WerewolfTheApocalypse - Breedbook: Corax''
79
80	->''"Laugh at death, and your soul will forever be at peace."''
81	-->-- '''Monokuma''', ''VisualNovel/DanganronpaTriggerHappyHavoc''
82
83	->'''[[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Buffy]]:''' Burn marks on the edges of the holes. That would be that thing you do with your eyes, all right.\
84	'''ComicBook/{{Supergirl}}:''' What are these things?\
85	'''Buffy:''' Ghoul demons, most likely. Flesh eaters. They probably went out for dinner, but weren’t expecting such a hot meal.\
86	'''Supergirl:''' How can you joke about things like this?\
87	'''Buffy:''' Because if I didn’t, I’d have gone raving bonkers when I started Slaying.
88	-->-- ''Fanfic/TheVampireOfSteel''
89
90	->'''Matt Higgins:''' [''already dying of lung cancer''] See, after I came in here, I got this really bad problem... [[ToiletHumor couldn't take a shit anymore without it hurting like buggery]], see, felt as though I was crapping out bloody Big Ben. Along comes the doctor, and he prescribes laxatives. Good-oh. Then [[BattleAxeNurse Sister Morgan]] turns up! "Oooh no, Doctor, I suspect something serious, a closer look at Mister Higgins' workings is in order." So I'm still telling her that no thank you, Mister Higgins is only constipated and would prefer the laxatives, when they wheel in this mad-lookin' contraption! [[AssShove Then they shove this bloody tube up me arsehole]]! Turns out it's a sodding camera! They're taking pictures of me ringpiece, would you believe.
91	->'''John Constantine:''' And...?
92	->'''Matt Higgins:''' And what?
93	->'''John Constantine:''' What'd they find? Constipation?
94	->'''Matt Higgins:''' No.
95	->'''John Constantine:''' So what was it?
96	->'''Matt Higgins:''' [[CrossesTheLineTwice Bowel cancer]].
97	->'''John Constantine:''' HAHAHAHAHAHA! [''wipes tears from his eyes''] God almighty. I'm... I'm supposed to saying goodbye to you and all I can do is be your straight man.
98	-->--''ComicBook/{{Hellblazer}}: My Way''
99
100	->'''First Guard:''' [earnestly explaining] It's funny the way that it would be if you were killed in battle but then your opponent tripped over you and stabbed himself by accident with his own sword.\
101	[longish pause]\
102	'''Finarfin:''' And that -- thou deemst diversion?\
103	[Nerdanel doesn't comment, but looks rather nauseated]\
104	'''First Guard:''' Er... well, it wouldn't make up for being sent here, but -- it would be sort of ironic justice, Sir.\
105	[another long pause]\
106	'''Finrod:''' One more thing to make a mental note of, Edrahil -- battlefield humour doesn't go over well at all, at home.\
107	[his friend shakes his head in grave agreement]\
108	'''Teler Maid:''' [thoughtful frown] It would be amusing, if only no one died.
109	-->-- ''Fanfic/ABoyAGirlAndADogTheLeithianScript''
110
111	->''"You see Dr. Wen in there? He's explaining to that family that something went wrong and that the patient died. He's gonna tell them what happened, he's gonna say he's sorry, and then he's going back to work. You think anybody else in that room is going back to work today?\
112	That is why we distance ourselves, that's why we make jokes. We don't do it because it's fun -- we do it so we can get by...and sometimes because it's fun. But mostly it's the getting by thing."''
113	-->-- '''Dr. Cox''', ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'', "My Big Brother"
114
115	->''"Probably the most important thing is that when things get really bad and the world looks its darkest, you just have to throw up your hands and say 'Well, alright!' cause it's probably gonna get a whole hell of a lot worse."''
116	-->-- '''Alferd Packer''', about to be hanged, ''Film/CannibalTheMusical''
117
118	-> '''Verb Alert device:''' ROLAND BACKISON HAS BEEN [[MurphysBullet SHOT IN THE BACK BY A STRAY BULLET]]! ROLAND BACKISON HAS BEEN SHOT IN THE BACK BY A STRAY BULLET! \
119	'''Roland:''' Did ya hear that? That's me! It's my new Verbal Alert Shirt System, and if you order now, you'll get one for free! ''(cough)'' Isn't that...fantastic? \
120	'''Verb Alert:''' ROLAND BACKISON IS DEAD! ROLAND BACKISON IS DEAD!
121	-->-- ''Series/MadTV1995''
122
123	->Donut falls into lava and screams\
124	'''Gelatin''': chuckles I always liked deep fried donuts.\
125	'''Barf Bag''': Gelatin, that's a little insensetive of you!\
126	'''Gelatin''': Dark humor is the way some people cope with tragedy.
127	-->-- [[Recap/BattleForDreamIslandS4E14DontDigStraightDown "Don't Dig Straight Down"]], ''Webanimation/BattleForBFDI''
128
129	->'''Agatha:''' Lars- ''stop moving!''\
130	'''Lars:''' ''[bleeding out]'' Oh, that'll... happen soon enough.
131	-->-- ''Webcomic/GirlGenius'', [[https://www.girlgeniusonline.com/comic.php?date=20061215 15 Dec 2006]]
132
133	->'''Zoey:''' Are you in a lot of pain?\
134	'''Bartlet:''' No.\
135	'''Zoey:''' Are you lying?\
136	'''Bartlet:''' Yeah 'cause I want these guys (''points to the doctors'') to tell the press I was "brave and joking around".
137	-->--''Series/TheWestWing'', "In The Shadow Of Two Gunmen: Part I"
138
139	->'''[[Characters/AceAttorneyPhoenixWright Phoenix Wright]]:''' We should probably take a picture of the crime scene, just in case.\
140	'''Athena Cykes:''' Okay, I'm on it! Say cheese! ''(snaps a photo of Constance Courte's dead body)''\
141	'''Phoenix:''' Cheese? And I thought I was the one with the twisted sense of humor.
142	-->-- ''VisualNovel/PhoenixWrightAceAttorneyDualDestinies'', Case 5-3: "Turnabout Academy"
143
144	->'''Leslie Groves:''' What did Fermi mean by "atmospheric ignition?"
145	->'''J. Robert Oppenheimer:''' Well, we had a moment where it looked like the chain reaction from an atomic device might never stop, setting fire to the atmosphere.
146	->'''Groves:''' Why is Fermi still taking side bets on it?
147	->'''Oppenheimer:''' Call it "gallows humor."
148	->'''Groves:''' ...Wait, are we saying there's a chance that when we push that button, we destroy the world?
149	->'''Oppenheimer:''' Nothing in our research over three years supports that conclusion, except as the most remote possibility.
150	->'''Groves:''' How remote?
151	->'''Oppenheimer:''' The chances are near zero.
152	->'''Groves:''' ''Near'' zero?
153	->'''Oppenheimer:''' What do you want from theory alone?
154	->'''Groves:''' ''Zero'' would be nice.
155	->'''Oppenheimer:''' ''(holds back a smirk, glancing at his watch)'' In exactly... one hour, fifty-eight minutes, we'll know.
156	-->-- ''Film/{{Oppenheimer}}''
157	[[/folder]]
158
159	[[folder:Real Life]]
160	->''"We must indeed all hang together, or most assuredly we shall all hang separately."''
161	-->-- '''Creator/BenjaminFranklin''', to the Continental Congress, just before signing the Declaration of Independence
162
163	->''"The two funniest groups of human beings I've ever been around are Indians and Jewish folks. So I guess that says something about the inherent humor of genocide."''
164	-->-- '''Creator/ShermanAlexie'''
165
166	->''"If you're going to tell someone the truth, you'd better make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."''
167	-->-- '''Creator/GeorgeBernardShaw'''
168
169	->''"Human life is basically a comedy. Even its tragedies often seem comic to the spectator, and not infrequently they actually have comic touches to the victim. Happiness probably consists largely in the capacity to detect and relish them. A man who can laugh, if only at himself, is never really miserable."''
170	-->-- '''Creator/HLMencken'''
171
172	->''"There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them."''
173	-->-- '''Niels Bohr'''
174
175	->''"I do believe that there's a very close connection to what's scary and what's funny. So I think if you have the ability to do one, you might have the ability to do the other."''
176	-->-- '''Creator/ChristopherWalken'''
177
178	->''"If my life wasn't funny it would just be true, and that's unacceptable."''
179	-->-- '''Creator/CarrieFisher'''
180
181	->''"One of the things I miss about Creator/GeneSiskel is that he's not around to make jokes about my condition... His jokes would have the saving grace of being funny. Here's one I'm pretty sure he would have come up with: 'Well, there's one good thing about Roger's surgery. At least he no longer need a bookmark to find his chin.'"''
182	-->-- '''Creator/RogerEbert'''
183
184	->'''Creator/AnneHathaway''': Oh no!
185	->'''Creator/KristenStewart''': ''(on crutches)'' I know, I’m an idiot. But congratulations!
186	->'''Anne:''' Please tell me you’re going on stage with those crutches.
187	->'''Kristen:''' Nope. I’m gonna hobble.
188	->'''Anne:''' Well, break a leg -- Oops!
189	-->-- Backstage at the 85th Academy Awards
190
191	->''"I’d much rather be doing comedy on a beach in a tiki bar on Costa Rica right now, but they don’t have comedy there, they don’t need comedians, because they’re already smiling naturally. Comedy works when people are miserable and for that reason alone, you are the best audiences on Earth."''
192	-->-- '''Creator/DougStanhope'''
193
194	->''"Some media sites [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer had to throw up a disclaimer that the news isn’t a hoax]], because as everyone knows, [[ReportsOfMyDeathWereGreatlyExaggerated Abe died many times in hoaxes]]. He was the best sport about it and was in on the gag. He probably said, “I’m not dead yet, bitches,” every time he entered a room."''
195	-->-- '''[[http://dlisted.com/2016/01/26/its-the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it-abe-vigoda-has-died/ Michael K.]]''', "It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, Abe Vigoda Has Died"
196
197	->''"Comedians get asked a lot whether they were funny as a child. That's probably because it's a more comfortable question than 'Were you a lonely soul struggling for a way to make sense of a society that's inherently absurd and evil?'"''
198	-->-- '''Creator/{{Seanbaby}}'''
199
200	->'''Gabriel:''' Did you ever see that dude who, like, survived Auschwitz and then filmed himself dancing out in front of the gates? Dude, applaud that.
201	->'''[[Creator/BenCroshaw Yahtzee]]''': That's how you show they didn't win. Once you can laugh about it, that means they've lost.
202	->'''Gabriel:''' ''I'' won, cunts!
203	-->-- '''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fG_-8F4zhVs Let's Play]]''' ''Normality''
204
205	->''"Proving what a wonderful character he really is, O’Brien manages to find the fun in the very dangerous situation they have wound up in by reacting in horror [[SkewedPriorities at his torn trousers!]] This in turn makes everybody laugh their head off at such ridiculous minutiae when they have just stared death in the face so intimately. "''
206	-->-- '''[[http://www.docohobigfinish.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/deep-space-nine-season-six.html Doc Oho]]''' on ''Series/StarTrekDeepSpaceNine'', "Rocks and Shoals"
207
208	->''"It says a lot about both babies and rubbers that a man would willingly pay someone to cut open his scrotum to ensure he never has to deal with either entity ever again...Every urologist is a fucking comedian. I went for my consult, and the doc had to bend me over and check my prostate. When he stuck his finger up my ass, I squirmed a bit, which is a logical reaction to a stranger poking around inside you. When he pulled out, he joked, 'Well, [[BlackComedyRape you wouldn't do so hot in prison]].' HE SAID THAT. Swear to God. I bet that was the most well-worn quip in his arsenal."''
209	-->-- '''[[http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/the-amazing-true-story-of-my-exploding-balls-1661128148 Drew Magary]]'''
210
211	->''"A Creator/DrDemento favorite and influence (both direct and indirect) on musical comedians of later years and today, [[Music/TomLehrer (Tom) Lehrer]] remains a cultural icon despite his relatively short performance career and his refusal to write newer songs. While this does mean we are robbed of the sort of topical satire he excelled at, much of Lehrer's songbook remains fresh today, largely due to the gleeful pessimism that is the man's trademark. Yes, underneath the jolly piano vamps and atrocious slant rhymes of his ditties lurks a deep, dark hatred and distrust of humanity, and the bitter tragedy that is modern life: [[HumansAreMorons people are foolish idiots]], [[HobbesWasRight governments are corrupt and ineffectual]], and [[InYourNatureToDestroyYourselves complete annihilation]] is only one botched political conflict away... With nihilist numbers like this one, it's more than a little surprising Lehrer hasn't turned up in the ''Franchise/{{Fallout}}'' universe in some shape or form: "''
212	-->-- '''''[[http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/08/the_11_most_cynical_tom_lehrer_songs.php Topless Robot]]'''''
213
214	->''"I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it’s more than that. It’s an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche, and then applies an antibiotic cream... Obviously, it’s a challenge to make light of the darkness but, um, it’s better than crying about it."''
215	-->-- '''Creator/StephenColbert'''
216
217	->''"The earth will be cold tomorrow."''
218	->''"Ask to be buried in a fur coat."''
219	-->-- '''[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pierre_Fran%C3%A7ois_Lacenaire Pierre Lacenaire]]''' and '''Victor Avril''', the night before their execution.
220
221	->''"I'm going to my death by a poor route: Up a stairway."''
222	-->-- '''Lacenaire''''s last words as he was climbing the scaffold
223
224	->''"You can take my hacienda, my land, my wealth, even - as you are going to do - my life. But there is one thing that you cannot take from me: the fear that I have!"''
225	-->-- '''[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedro_Mu%C3%B1oz_Seca Pedro Muñoz Seca]]''' facing the [[ShotAtDawn firing squad]]
226
227	->''"...look at the blood on the man’s hands. 900 years, countless very selfish choices, and he’s literally blown planets up. His own race, you know, that’s all on his hands. Which is why I think he has to make silly jokes and wear a fez. Because if he didn't, he’d hang himself."''
228	-->-- '''Creator/MattSmith''', on [[Series/DoctorWho The Doctor]]
229
230	->''"The best thing to do is laugh. You cannot laugh and be afraid at the same time, and the devil cannot stand mockery."''
231	-->-- '''Creator/StephenColbert''', ''Series/TheLateShowWithStephenColbert'', on the 2016 US Presidential Election.
232
233	->''"Humor is an almost physiological response to fear."''
234	-->-- '''Creator/KurtVonnegut''', ''A Man Without A Country''
235
236	->''"People always ask me, they go, 'How do you laugh when the news is sad?' I tell people it's not that I find things funny, it's that my mind uses that as a tool to protect me from pain."''
237	-->-- '''Creator/TrevorNoah''', ''Series/TheDailyShowWithTrevorNoah''
238
239	->''"I've always said tragedy and comedy are roommates. Wherever tragedy's around, comedy's a few feet behind them sticking his tongue out and making obscene gestures. When you go to a funeral, the guy at the podium will say embarrassing stories about the guy in the box, and people will laugh. People lean over to the person sitting next to them with a smirk on their face, and the other person will hold their hands over their face like, 'Oh, I shouldn’t be laughing at this.'"''
240	-->-- '''Creator/GilbertGottfried'''
241	[[/folder]]

Context Quotes / GallowsHumor