Line #160 Main/IfIWantedXIWouldY


1	->''"If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak."''
2	-->-- '''Neal Page''', ''Film/PlanesTrainsAndAutomobiles''
3
4	''[[JustForFun/DescribeTopicHere If I wanted to describe If I Wanted X I Would Y here, I would go to TV Tropes...]] [[WhereDoYouThinkYouAre wait a minute.]]''
5
6	A [[StockPhrases common put-down]] of a work/activity/food/etc., by naming a prominent aspect of that thing, and claiming that aspect is better in another thing, usually in the form of "If I wanted (aspect), I would (other thing with that aspect)."
7
8	This will almost always be said in a [[DeadpanSnarker snarky]] manner, and often has a TakeThat on either side of the line (or both).
9
10	A SisterTrope with BetterByADifferentName.
11
12	Compare XCalledTheyWantTheirYBack, ILikeMyXLikeILikeMyY, ImADoctorNotAPlaceholder.
13
14	Not to be confused with IfIWantedYouDead.
15	----
16	!!Administrivia/InUniverseExamplesOnly
17
18	[[foldercontrol]]
19
20	[[folder:Comedy]]
21	* Creator/LewisBlack on the tax code:
22	-->"If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read ''Literature/WarAndPeace'' four times."
23	* Doug Stanhope mocked MoralGuardians this way:
24	-->"If God had intended women to prostitute themselves, he would have given them a free will and a vagina." ''[{{beat}}]''
25	[[/folder]]
26
27	[[folder:Comic Books]]
28	* One ''Series/RedDwarf'' comic strip has them listening to an ApocalypticLog InTheStyleOf ''Literature/TheCanterburyTales''. Rimmer's criticism sounds like it's going to be one of these, but [[SubvertedTrope subverts]] it.
29	-->'''Rimmer:''' I don't want to sound like a wet blanket, Lister, but if I wanted to attend an amateur poetry reading, I'd be mad.
30	* ''ComicBook/{{Preacher}}'': Herr Starr, forced to 'socialize' at a [[AncientConspiracy Grail]] meeting, snarks at the Prime Minister of Australia in this fashion.
31	-->'''Starr:''' If I wanted to visit a bunch of sheepshaggers, I'd go to Wales. It's closer.
32	[[/folder]]
33
34	[[folder:Comic Strips]]
35	* ''ComicStrip/CalvinAndHobbes'', where Calvin explains why he does not like organized sports:
36	-->"I hate all the rules and organization and teams and ranks in sports. Somebody's always yelling at you, telling you where to be, what to do, and when to do it. I figure when I want that, I'll join the Army and at least get paid."
37	[[/folder]]
38
39	[[folder:Fan Works]]
40	* In a ''WebVideo/DragonBallZAbridged'' video, Nappa says he likes ''Manga/{{Naruto}}'', and Vegeta says, "If I wanted to watch over a hundred episodes of {{Filler}}, I'd watch ''Manga/InuYasha''."
41	* ''Webcomic/CinemaSnobReviewsFrozen'' (a fan comic where ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob'' reviews ''WesternAnimation/Frozen2013'') does this, being true to the Snob's style of jokes. When talking about Hans, Snob says he'll "take real bland pretty boys, like Gayracula, thank you very much".
42	* ''[[http://archiveofourown.org/works/5409173/chapters/13496263 Harry Potter and the Gaining of Faith]]'':
43	-->'''Faith:''' No one gives a squirt of piss what you think, Trollbridge. You're nothing but a Wizengamot lackey. When we wanna know what you think... we'll owl ''them''.
44	* A meta-example comes from the Website/SpaceBattles discussion thread for ''Fanfic/TheNextFrontier'', after an emphatic ShrugOfGod about just how the [[AlcubierreDrive Alkerbierre Drive]] actually works:
45	-->'''The author:''' If I liked writing pages and pages of exposition about technological minutiae of no relevance to the actual plot I'd get a job ghostwriting for Creator/CliveCussler.
46	* ''[[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12135554/6/Solstice-Academy-for-Sorcery Solstice Academy for Sorcery]]'':
47	-->'''Shacklebolt:''' This is the work of someone truly angry...either they targeted young Mr. Potter and killed the adults for a long time. That, or if what you say is true, and Mr. Potter really is going Dark after finding his heritage, then I strongly urge you to consider staying off of his shitlist for a while, Albus. You do not want to risk this war you are planning.\
48	'''Dumbledore:''' My dear Shacklebolt, if I wanted to hear things I already have contingency plans in place for, I would use a tape recorder. Now get young Miss Tonks out of here and clean her mess up, or else I'm going to have a very wicked thought regarding the placement of your head.
49	* ''WebVideo/VisionOfEscaflowneAbridged''
50	-->'''Van:''' If I wanted to sleep through half of the episode, I would have watched...\
51	List of series flashed rapidly: ''Anime/WolfsRain'', ''VideoGame/{{Gungrave}}'', ''[[Anime/GhostInTheShellStandAloneComplex GitS: SAC]]'', ''Anime/ParanoiaAgent'', ''Manga/{{Mushishi}}'', ''Anime/BoogiepopPhantom'', ''[[OddNameOut Hi, Mom!]]'', ''Anime/SerialExperimentsLain'', [[BreadEggsMilkSquick squirrels do it]], ''Anime/SamuraiSeven'', ''Anime/TheSoulTaker'', ''Anime/CasshernSins'', ''Literature/KinosJourney''\
52	'''Van:''' ''Anime/WitchHunterRobin''.
53	* ''[[https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13402617/1/The-Desired-Effect The Desired Effect]]'':
54	-->'''Harry:''' Dinner?\
55	'''Shacklebolt:''' No can do, I'm afraid. I've got a dinner meeting with Cornelius Fudge... though you're welcome to come as my guest, if you'd like?\
56	'''Harry:''' If I wanted to listen to an asshole, I'd fart.
57	[[/folder]]
58
59	[[folder:Films -- Live-Action]]
60	* ''Film/TheJewelOfTheNile'': Omar wants romance writer Joan Wilder to write a puff piece on him. When she discovers his plan of conquest and says she's going to tell the truth, he scoffs: "If I wanted the truth, I'd have hired ''Series/SixtyMinutes!''"
61	* From ''Film/PlanesTrainsAndAutomobiles'':
62	-->'''Cab Dispatcher:''' Where are you going?\
63	'''Neal:''' Chicago.\
64	'''Cab Dispatcher:''' Chicago?\
65	'''Neal:''' Yeah, Chicago.\
66	'''Cab Dispatcher:''' You know you're in St. Louis?\
67	'''Neal:''' Yes I do.\
68	'''Cab Dispatcher:''' Why don't you try the airlines? It's faster and you get a free meal.\
69	'''Neal:''' If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak. Now are you gonna help me or are you gonna stand there like a slab of meat with mittens?\
70	''([[TalkToTheFist the cab dispatcher punches him in the face]])''
71	* ''Film/{{Goldeneye}}'':
72	-->'''Bill Tanner:''' Seems your hunch was right, 007. It's too bad the Evil Queen of Numbers wouldn't let you play it...\
73	''(M walks in)''\
74	'''M:''' You were saying?\
75	'''Bill Tanner:''' No, no, I was just... just um...\
76	'''M:''' Good. Because if I want sarcasm, Mr Tanner, I'll talk to my children, thank you very much.
77	* From ''Film/{{Dragonheart}}'', after Draco wonders about the ethics of their scam:
78	-->'''Bowen:''' If I wanted my conscience pricked, I would've stayed with the priest!
79	* ''Film/WhoFramedRogerRabbit'': In a deleted scene, after Eddie Valiant is caught snooping in the Ink and Paint Club, and [[FemmeFatale Jessica Rabbit]] assumes he was staging a solo panty raid:
80	-->'''Eddie Valiant:''' Look, doll, if I'd've wanted underwear, I'd've broken into Frederick's of Hollywood!
81	* ''Film/WhatsTheWorstThatCouldHappen'': While having a one-sided conversation with his bartender:
82	-->'''Uncle Jack:''' If I wanted to hear myself talk, I'd leave myself a voicemail message!
83	[[/folder]]
84
85	[[folder:Literature]]
86	* In ''Literature/TheDresdenFiles'', a villain once told Dresden that if the villain wanted his opinion, the villain would [[ImpliedDeathThreat read it out of his entrails.]]
87	[[/folder]]
88
89	[[folder:Live-Action TV]]
90	* ''Series/RealTimeWithBillMaher''
91	-->"Technology businesses must cut the baby talk. It's 2007. You're a rapacious, multi-billion-dollar corporation, not a stuffed animal. This week, Yahoo! announced a deal with Bebo, which will help it compete with Google. I had to Wiki Bebo to find out it's kind of like Friendster and Woofy. Gosh, I hope they can all band together and save Fuzzleton Village from the evil Snorgs! Grow up! If I want to see uncaring money-making machines with cutesy names, I'd go to a strip club."
92	** Bill does this ''a lot'' in his book, ''New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer''.
93	* ''{{Series/Firefly}}''
94	** From "Objects in Space":
95	--->'''Mal:''' If I want medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.\
96	'''Simon:''' You ''are'' talking to a doctor.
97	** Also, quoth Jayne; "Hell, if I had wanted schooling, I would have gone to school!"
98	* ''Series/{{Friends}}''. Phoebe is dating two men at once -- a teacher and a fireman. She's out with the teacher when they see a car catch fire, and he's confused when her response to the sound of sirens is to run away (so he doesn't find out about the fireman).
99	-->'''Phoebe:''' If I wanted to see a fireman I would date one!
100	* ''Series/{{Sherlock}}''. When Irene Adler [[NakedFirstImpression shows up naked to meet Sherlock]], Sherlock merely says "If I wanted to look at naked women, I would borrow John's laptop."
101	-->'''John:''' You ''do'' borrow my laptop.\
102	'''Sherlock:''' I confiscate it.
103	* ''Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer''
104	** In "Out of My Mind", Riley thinks Buffy won't want to be with him if he's just a normal man, and she responds with, "Do you think that I spent the last year with you because you had super powers? If that's what I wanted, then I'd be dating Spike." (This becomes HilariousInHindsight about a year later.)
105	** Subverted rather cruelly by Giles against Spike in "Once More With Feeling"
106	--->"If I want your opinion, Spike, I'll— I'll never want your opinion."
107	* Parodied in ''Series/FistOfFun'': During a discussion about water pollution Stuart Lee asks Richard Herring if he wants to swim in raw sewage. Herring replies "Stuart, if I wanted to swim in raw sewage I'd..." and then details a highly developed plan to break into the local sewage works. Lee quickly realises that yes, he really does.
108	* In the ''Series/StarTrekTheOriginalSeries'' episode "That Which Survives", after major seismic tremors and loss of contact with the ''Enterprise'':
109	-->'''Sulu:''' Could it be the ''Enterprise'' hit the planet? [[TheTunguskaEvent Once in Siberia, a meteor flattened whole forests]]--\
110	'''Kirk:''' If I wanted a Russian history lesson, I'd have brought along Mr. Chekov.
111	* Dr. Kelso pulls this one out a lot on ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'', along with the similar; "I'll tell you the same thing I told X, '[related pun]'."
112	* ''Series/TheGoldenGirls'' when Dorothy is working on a kids' show.
113	--->'''Director''': If I wanted this kind of abuse,I'd be directing the ''[[Series/{{Roseanne}} Roseanne Barr]]'' show.
114	* ''Series/ThirtyRock'':
115	-->'''Liz:''' Don't you know the Postmaster General?\
116	'''Jack:''' I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I wanted to lick a hippie I'd just return Joan Baez's phone calls.
117	* In one episode of ''Series/WhosTheBoss'', Jonathan decides he wants to be a stand-up comedian. His routine consists of a lot of unfunny and, at times, nonsensical "what is the deal with that?" style jokes. When talking about sushi, he says "If I wanted to eat raw fish, I'd bite a river".
118	* Some of Al’s pearls of wisdom on ''Series/MarriedWithChildren'' are based on this format.
119	-->‘If God had wanted women to bowl, he would have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting.’
120	* ''Series/MalcolmInTheMiddle'' In the episode "Cynthia's Back":
121	-->'''Dabney:''' If I wanted this kind of abuse, I'd have a conversation with my oboe teacher.
122	[[/folder]]
123
124	[[folder:Music]]
125	* From ''Just Hold Me'' by Music/MariaMena
126	-->''But if I wanted silence I would whisper\
127	And if I wanted loneliness I'd choose to go\
128	And if I liked rejection I'd audition\
129	And if I didn't love you, you would know''
130	[[/folder]]
131
132	[[folder:Radio]]
133	* In an episode of ''Radio/ImSorryIHaventAClue'', there was a round of Closed Quotes which specialized on comebacks. Among these comebacks was the lovely "If I wanted to hear from an arse, I would have farted."
134	[[/folder]]
135
136	[[folder:Tabletop Games]]
137	* The ''TabletopGame/MagicTheGathering'' card Stifle has flavour text:
138	-->"If I wanted your opinion, I'd have told you what it was."\
139	-- Pemmin, Riptide survivor
140	[[/folder]]
141
142	[[folder:Video Games]]
143	* An example from VideoGame/MarioAndLuigiPartnersInTime:
144	-->''(Present Toadsworth is freaking out)''\
145	'''Past Toadsworth''': ''(...)'' Really, if I wished to witness myself embarrassing myself, I'd belch in front of a mirror.
146	* During a Zerg mission in ''[[VideoGame/StarCraft Brood War]]'', we have this exchange when Fenix, Jim Raynor, and Arcturus Mengsk are discussing an eventual betrayal by Kerrigan.
147	--> '''Arcturus''': If you ask me, she's completely untrustworthy. But so long as she'll help me retake Korhal, I'll work with her.\
148	'''Raynor''': If I wanted your opinion, Arcturus, I would've beaten it out of you! And in case you forgot, you're the reason she became what she is in the first place!
149	[[/folder]]
150
151	[[folder:Web Animation]]
152	* ''WebAnimation/ZeroPunctuation'', dismissing ''VideoGame/MassEffect2'''s resource-gathering:
153	-->'''Yahtzee:''' If I wanted to be a space quantity surveyor, I'd play ''VideoGame/EVEOnline''.
154	[[/folder]]
155
156	[[folder:Web Comics]]
157	* ''Webcomic/ToothpasteForDinner'', on [[http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/index.php?date=011912 foreign films]]: "If I wanted to read while people were speaking another language, I'd bring a book to the Chinese restaurant"
158	* ''Webcomic/SchlockMercenary'': When I want your opinion I'll mind-rip it out of your shattered skull, thank you.
159	* ''Webcomic/QuestionableContent'': Hannelore [[http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=3390 opposes]] Station's idea of orbital railgun strikes against [[spoiler:Corpse Witch, for blackmailing Bubbles with encrypted memories]] because "If I wanted to live in a '''''crater''''' I would have moved to the '''''moon'''''."
160	[[/folder]]
161
162	[[folder:Web Original]]
163	* Discussed in Website/TheJargonFile, beginning with the [[http://www.catb.org/jargon/html/I/If-you-want-X--you-know-where-to-find-it-.html example]] "If you want PL/I, you know where to find it."
164	[[/folder]]
165
166	[[folder:Web Videos]]
167	* A MadLibsCatchPhrase of ''WebVideo/TheCinemaSnob''. Subverted once when he realized he didn't like even the other thing.
168	* ''WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic'', in his review of ''Film/TheodoreRex'':
169	-->'''Nostalgia Critic:''' Oh please, if I wanted to watch Whoopi Goldberg interact with dinosaurs, I'd watch "The View".
170	* Pops up quite a few times as lines in ''WebVideo/EpicRapBattlesOfHistory'' as one battler disses another. Some examples:
171	** From "Julius Caesar vs. Shaka Zulu":
172	--->'''Caesar''': So don't go rattling your sticks at me -- if I wanted to [[Creator/WilliamShakespeare shake spears]], I'd waggle [[Theatre/JuliusCaesar my biography]].
173	** From "Ragnar Lodbrok vs Richard the Lionheart":
174	--->'''Richard I''': If I wanted to fight loser Vikings, [[EveryYearTheyFizzleOut I'd go to]] [[UsefulNotes/NationalFootballLeague Minnesota]].
175	** From "Harry Potter vs Luke Skywalker":
176	--->'''Luke Skywalker''': If I wanted teenage wizardry, [[Series/WizardsOfWaverlyPlace I'd call]] Creator/SelenaGomez!
177	** From "James Bond vs Austin Powers":
178	--->'''[[spoiler:Connery!]]Bond''': Your performance doesn't stir me, and I'm certainly not shaken.\
179	If I wanted [[TakeThat shitty acting in my action film]], I'd go and watch ''Film/{{Taken}}''.
180	** From "Mansa Musa vs Jeff Bezos":
181	--->'''Jeff Bezos:''' If I wanted to waste my life on desert spice, I'd watch ''Film/{{Dune\|2021}}''.
182	* ''WebVideo/SandersSides'' has a rather [[TearJerker sad]] variant of this:
183	---> '''[[TheFriendNobodyLikes Anxiety]]''': If I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would show up in person, like I normally do.
184	* This series of vines, [[https://www.youtube.com/shorts/lTQKv_iF6bA Oh, you're not Jeffrey!]]
185	* WebVideo/FreshyKanal: In the unfinished, audio-only rap battle "Ferris Bueller vs. Nagisa Shiota", Ferris disses Nagisa's fighting skill by saying, "If I wanted to fight a weeb Hitman, I’d go and see [[VideoGame/YandereSimulator Ayano]]."
186	[[/folder]]
187
188	[[folder:Western Animation]]
189	* ''WesternAnimation/AmericanDad'':
190	** From one exchange between Steve and Stan:
191	--->'''Steve:''' Dad, can we go to Graceland?\
192	'''Stan:''' Steve, if you want to pay your respects to a fat man who died on the toilet, we can visit your Aunt Mary's grave.
193	** A variant on "Not Particularly Desperate Housewives": When Francine wants to adopt Fussy the dog, Stan says, "Forget it! We already have something girly and annoying in this house. It's called Roger."
194	* This was a frequent trope in Creator/HannaBarbera cartoons of the early 1960s. For instance, in one episode of ''WesternAnimation/TheFlintstones'', Fred says, "If I want laughs, I'll call WesternAnimation/YogiBear."
195	* ''WesternAnimation/{{Archer}}'':
196	** From one exchange between Archer and Malory:
197	--->'''Archer:''' Don't you want a grandkid?\
198	'''Malory:''' Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it.\
199	'''Archer:''' [[CrossesTheLineTwice Jesus Christ!]]
200	** And another:
201	--->'''Archer:''' If I wanted to look at your bare feet, I'd sneak in and do it when you were asleep.
202	** One more:
203	--->'''Malory to her chauffeur:''' If I wanted to sit around all day going nowhere, I'd become a ''teacher''!
204	* ''WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons'': After Bart is caught shoplifting at Try 'N' Save, the security guard dismisses his offer to pay for the stolen video game with, "If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I'd be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose!"
205	* WesternAnimation/BeavisAndButtHead respond to music videos involving text with "If I wanted to read, I'd go to school!"
206	* In the ''WesternAnimation/DuckTales1987'' episode "[[Recap/DuckTalesS1E4WhereNoDuckHasGoneBefore Where No Duck Has Gone Before]]", when Launchpad inadvertently dumps himself into outer space and sees the Earth far below him, he exclaims, "If I wanted to see the world, I would have joined the Navy!"
207	* ''WesternAnimation/HelpImAFish'': "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you!"
208	* ''WesternAnimation/TheMrMenShow'': Often done by Mr. Grumpy.
209	-->'''Mr. Grumpy:''' If I wanted to ''wear'' my dinner, I'd have gone to Mr. Messy's.
210	* In the ''WesternAnimation/DarkwingDuck'' episode "Tiff of the Titans", Drake Mallard shuts off the TV when a news report about Gizmoduck is playing, remarking that he'd have tuned into a congressional hearing if he wanted to listen to a clown.
211	* ''WesternAnimation/{{Brickleberry}}'': Malloy's response after Ethel is cast in a porno movie but refuses to do a sex scene:
212	--> '''Malloy:''' If I wanted a shitty actor who refuses to show their tits, I would've cast Creator/KevinJames.
213	[[/folder]]
214
215	[[folder:Real Life]]
216	* Used in a pro-choice slogan: ‘If I wanted the government in my uterus, I'd fuck a senator!’
217	* Computer scientist Dennis Ritchie responded to comments for improvements to the C programming language with "If you want PL[=/=]I, you know where to find it."
218	* Popular joke saying often seen on T-shirts and bumper stickers: "If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I'd fart!"
219	* Joke aimed at websites that start playing sound on being loaded, rather than waiting for you to hit a control indicating you ''want'' to hear the sound: "If I had wanted your website to make noise, I would have licked my finger and rubbed it across the monitor."
220	* A meme with a woman having a meltdown followed by a snarky cat at a dinner table has one from somebody obviously not a Taylor Swift fan. The woman yells "Listen to Taylor Swift!!" The cat replies "If I want to listen to something that sucks, I'll listen to a vacuum cleaner."
221	[[/folder]]

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