Line #124 Literature/SkippysList


1	''Skippy's List'' proves that TheLoonie can be applied to the military [[Blog/ThingsMrWelchIsNoLongerAllowedToDoInAnRPG as well as]] TabletopGames. The list consists of things that Skippy--an enlisted man in the US Army's psychological operations department[[note]]specifically drawing propaganda posters in [[UsefulNotes/TheYugoslavWars postwar Bosnia]][[/note]]--discovered were forbidden in the US Army, generally [[NoodleIncident without much context]] as to how he found out (although the blog does provide some explanations). It first came to the Internet back in 2001, lists 213 things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The [[UsefulNotes/YanksWithTanks US Army]]. [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer As the site explains, everything on the list actually happened]], either as something [[TruthInTelevision Skippy himself did]], [[OrSoIHeard something he saw happen]], something he was [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial spontaneously informed he was not allowed to do]], a [[LoopholeAbuse clarification to one of the above]], or "[[ItMakesSenseInContext I was just minding my own business, when something happened]]."
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3	The original list is no longer available, but has been reposted [[http://bit.ly/2icbRtZ here]]. An internet archive of the original website can be found [[https://web.archive.org/web/20101231223508/http://skippyslist.com/list/ here]].
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5	See also ''Blog/ThingsMrWelchIsNoLongerAllowedToDoInAnRPG'', it turns out Skippy and Mr. Welch knew each other in real life but didn't know that each of them had written these lists they were both fans of until they were invited to attend a convention together. Then there's "Things I Am No Longer Allowed To Do At [[Franchise/HarryPotter Hogwarts]]", which has several different iterations, most commonly numbering one hundred and fifty. Not to mention ''Blog/SurvivalTipsForSHIELDRecruits'', which is past the five hundred mark, and still counting. Another variation of this list while still keeping the military theme is ''Fanfic/ThingsXCOMOperativesAreNoLongerAllowedToDo'' which has civilians getting in on the action as well. See ThingsYouAreNotAllowedToDo for more.
6	----
7	!!Provides examples of:
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9	* ActuallyPrettyFunny: He got ''commended'' for some of these, specifically:
10	--> 154. Shouldn't treat "piss-bottles" with extra-strength icy hot.
11	* ArsonMurderAndJaywalking:
12	--> 106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg [=CDs=].
13	* BecauseDestinySaysSo:
14	--> 7. Not allowed to add "In accordance with the prophesy" to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.
15	* BlackComedy:
16	--> 54. "Napalm sticks to kids" is not a motivational phrase.
17	* BlackMagic:
18	--> 3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic.
19	--> 4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair.
20	* BodyPaint:
21	--> 43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform.
22	--> 73. [[Film/{{Braveheart}} Woad]] is not camouflage makeup.
23	* BreastExpansion:
24	--> 5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants.
25	* BrickJoke:
26	--> 113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ''[[Film/TheFullMonty Full Monty]]'' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff".
27	--> 131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.
28	* BuffySpeak:
29	--> 177. I am not to refer to a formation as "the boxy rectangle thingie".
30	* BullyingADragon:
31	-->21. Must attempt not to antagonize SAS.
32	-->22. Must never call an SAS a wanker.
33	-->27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
34	-->110. Never, ever, attempt to correct a Green Beret officer about anything.
35	* {{Calvinball}}:
36	--> 142. "Calvin-Ball" is not authorized PT.
37	* CheeseEatingSurrenderMonkeys:
38	--> 20. Must not taunt the French any more.
39	* CombiningMecha:
40	--> 191. Our Humvees cannot be assembled into a giant battle-robot.
41	* {{Crossdresser}}:
42	--> 80. Not allowed to wear a dress to any army functions.
43	--> 81. May not bring a drag queen to the battalion formal dance.
44	* DirtyCommunists:
45	--> 11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party.
46	* DudeNotFunny:
47	-->27. Don’t tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne).
48	-->54. "Napalm sticks to kids" is ''not'' a motivational phrase.
49	-->93. Nerve gas is not funny.
50	-->172. “A full magazine and some privacy” is not the way to help a potential suicide.
51	* DuelToTheDeath:
52	--> 86. May not challenge anyone in my chain of command to the "field of honor".
53	--> 188. May not challenge officers to "Meet me on the field of honor, at dawn".
54	** This isn't just a Skippyism, it's actually a law. It's been illegal to duel people while in active military service since the days of UsefulNotes/GeorgeWashington and the Revolutionary War even. Washington likely got it from the British, who formally banned lower-ranking officers from calling out higher ranking ones (because the KlingonPromotion trope doesn't work in real life) and informally discouraged challenges from higher-ups or between officers of equal rank, because, contrary to popular belief, officers are expensive to reaplace, and good officers are sometimes impossible to replace, so stopping them from shooting each other is just good practice.
55	* TheEndOfTheWorldAsWeKnowIt:
56	--> 39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once.
57	* EstablishingCharacterMoment:
58	--> 2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia"
59	* EverythingIsBigInTexas:
60	--> 47. I am not a citizen of "Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states".
61	* ExactWords:
62	--> 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
63	--> 34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I ''did'' bring enough for everybody.
64	--> 48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision.
65	--> 55. An order to "Put Kiwi on my boots" does not involve fruit.
66	--> 56. An order to "Make my Boots black and shiny" does not involve electrical tape.
67	--> 135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
68	** The wordings on him taking a religious day off and buying people's souls imply that in the former he gets to do it once per world ending (for obvious reasons) and the latter is permitted on his own time, just not while on duty.
69	* FullFrontalAssault:
70	--> 175. We do not “charge into battle, naked, like the Celts”.
71	* GenreSavvy: Eventually, his [=COs=] caught onto his looniness.
72	--> 14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo.
73	--> 62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz.
74	--> 87. If the thought of something makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
75	* GilliganCut:
76	--> 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody.
77	--> 34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I did bring enough for everybody.
78	* HaveANiceDaySmile:
79	--> [[VideoGame/{{Minesweeper}} 99. A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.]]
80	* IJustShotMarvinInTheFace
81	--> 6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction” with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
82	* ItsRainingMen:
83	--> 35. Not allowed to sing "High Speed Dirt" by Music/{{Megadeth}} during airborne operations. ("See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my maker")
84	* JumpingOnAGrenade
85	--> 201. Must not valiantly push officers onto hand grenades to save the squad.
86	* LessDisturbingInContext: He states InUniverse that a lot of the list isn't stuff Skippy actually did; they're just real regulations being quoted in such a way to imply [[WhoWouldBeStupidEnough someone was stupid enough to disobey them]].
87	* LifeImitatesArt: Chem-Light batteries now actually exist.
88	* TheLoonie: Just not in terms of role-playing games.
89	* LoopholeAbuse:
90	--> 124. Two drink limit does not mean first and last.
91	--> 125. Two drink limit does not mean two kinds of drinks.
92	--> 126. Two drink limit does not mean the drinks can be as large as I like.
93	--> 127. "No Drinking Of Alcoholic Beverages" does not imply that a Jack Daniel's® IV is acceptable.
94	--> 135. An order to put polish on my boots means the whole boot.
95	** As one of his superiors [[https://web.archive.org/web/20200203074423/http://skippyslist.com/2010/11/19/the-battalion-dance-2/ put it]]: "Specialist Schwarz is following his instructions to the letter. If the chain of command wants to re-state those instructions in some way that doesn't violate any Equal Opportunity regulations, they’re welcome to try. But you and I both know that Schwarz is way better at this sort of thing than they are."
96	* MaliciousMisnaming:
97	--> 2. My proper military title is "Specialist Schwarz" not "Princess Anastasia".
98	--> 37. Our medic is called "Sgt Larwasa", not "Dr. Feelgood".
99	-->38. Our supply Sgt is "Sgt Watkins" not "Sugar Daddy".
100	* MonsterClown:
101	--> 65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
102	* MyHovercraftIsFullOfEels
103	--> 123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
104	* NakedPeopleAreFunny: Comes up in several items, but this one sums it up pretty well:
105	--> 166. No, the pants are not optional.
106	* NoodleIncident:
107	--> 58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, [[ILoveTheDead necrophilia]], I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, [[ArmoredClosetGay all Marines are latent homosexuals]], Tantric yoga, {{Gotterdammerung}}, [[AsianHookerStereotype Korean hooker]], Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, '''or any references to squid'''.[[note]]Which references [[RefugeInAudacity a]] [[PieInTheFace very]] [[SugarWiki/FunnyMoments specific]] [[https://web.archive.org/web/20201109040641/http://skippyslist.com/2007/07/09/cephalopod-surprise/ incident.]][[/note]]
108	* NoodleImplements:
109	--> 183. My chain of command has neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups.® [[note]]That one does have an explanation: he was going to make a kilt out of them somehow, wear it, and thereby become the world's first edible Scot. The explanation for doing that is not forthcoming.[[/note]]
110	--> 200. My chain of command is not interested in why I "just happen" to have a kilt, an inflatable sheep, and a box of rubber bands in the back of my car.
111	* NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer:
112	--> 174. Furby® is not allowed into classified areas. (I swear to the gods, I did not make that up, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furby#Classic_Furbies it's actually DOD policy.]]) [[note]]Simply put, the DOD misinterpreted the claim in the manual that Furby could learn words. Furby could not "learn" any words that weren't on a preprogrammed list, but the DOD thought they could overhear classified information and repeat it where members of the public could overhear it.[[/note]]
113	* OrSoIHeard:
114	--> 207. The Chicken and Rice MRE is not a personal lubricant. (Skippy wanted this noted for the record that this is not something he has ever attempted or considered! It was something we heard at dinner on 22 September 2001 and it was just so obscene it had to go here.)
115	--> 209. An airsickness bag is to be used for airsickness only. (Also not a Skippy-ism...this was the same dinner.)
116	* OurLawyersAdvisedThisTrope: Why we can post at least part of his list.
117	--> I don't mind if you want to quote a few items from my list of your site. But please do not copy the list in its entirety.
118	* PatrioticFervor:
119	--> 26. Never tell a German soldier that "We kicked your ass in World War 2!"
120	* PerfectlyCromulentWord:
121	--> 128. [[Film/CannibalTheMusical "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.]]
122	* ReferenceOverdosed:
123	--> 1. Not allowed to watch ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' when I'm supposed to be working.
124	--> 6. Not allowed to play ''Film/PulpFiction'' with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer.
125	--> 16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my [[Literature/TheBible Samson like powers]].
126	--> 18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous "Barbie Girl Dance" while on duty.
127	--> 29. The Irish [=MPs=] are not after [[AdvertisingCampaigns "Me frosted lucky charms"]].
128	--> 49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for [[Literature/JackAndTheBeanstalk "magic beans"]].
129	--> 50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours.
130	--> 51. Not allowed to quote "Creator/DrSeuss" on military operations.
131	--> 52. Not allowed to yell [[Franchise/GIJoe "Take that Cobra"]] at the rifle range.
132	--> 53. Not allowed to quote ''Film/FullMetalJacket'' at the rifle range.
133	--> 77. The MP checkpoint is not an [[Franchise/StarWars Imperial Stormtrooper]] roadblock, so I should not tell them [[Film/ANewHope "You don't need to see my identification, these are not the droids you are looking for."]]
134	--> 97. [[Film/{{Ghostbusters 1984}} Gozer]] does not dwell in my refrigerator.
135	--> 99. [[VideoGame/{{Minesweeper}} A smiley face is not used to mark a minefield.]]
136	--> 113. There is absolutely no need to emulate the people from ''[[Film/TheFullMonty Full Monty]]'' every time I hear the song "Hot Stuff". [[note]](131. No dancing in the turret. This especially applies in conjunction with rule #113.)[[/note]]
137	--> 128. [[Film/CannibalTheMusical "Shpadoinkle" is not a real word.]]
138	--> 136. Shouting [[Film/{{Platoon}} "Let's do the village! Let's do the whole fucking village!"]] while out on a mission is bad.
139	--> 181. Franchise/{{Pokemon}}® trainer is not an MOS.
140	--> 185. My name is not [[Film/Dune1984 a killing word]].
141	--> 202. Despite the confusing similarity in the names, the "Safety Dance" and the "Safety Briefing" are never to be combined.
142	* RuleOfFunny:
143	--> To explain how I've stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly...I'm funny, so they let me live.
144	* RunningGag: The inflatable sheep.
145	* {{Sabotutor}}:
146	--> 123. I should not teach other soldiers to say offensive and crude things in Albanian, under the guise of teaching them how to say potentially useful phrases.
147	* SarcasticConfession:
148	--> 199. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born.
149	* SchmuckBait:
150	--> 100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are.
151	--> 189. Do not dare SERE graduates to eat bugs. They will always do it.
152	* SexSells:
153	--> 42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters.
154	* SnipeHunt: Even provides the page quote:
155	--> 152. The following items do not exist: Keys to the Drop Zone, A box of grid squares, blinker fluid, winter air for tires, canopy lights, or Chem-Light® batteries.
156	* SoundOff: Naturally, there are several things Skippy is not allowed to use in this context, listed above under NoodleIncident. Plus:
157	--> 76. "Teddy Bear, Teddy bear, turn around" is not a cadence.
158	* StealthPun: Happens only when reading 179 and 180.
159	--> 179. On Army documents, my race is not “Other”.
160	--> 180. Nor is it “Secretariat, in the third”.
161	* SuspiciouslySpecificDenial:
162	--> 151. The proper way to report to my Commander is "Specialist Schwarz, reporting as ordered, Sir" not "You can't prove a thing!"
163	* TakeOverTheWorld:
164	--> 203. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is a bad long term goal to give the re-enlistment NCO.
165	* TakeThat:
166	--> 8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don’t like to War Criminal posters.
167	* TeamDad:
168	--> 89. Must not refer to the Commander as "Dad".
169	* TeamMom:
170	--> 88. Must not refer to 1st Sgt as "Mom".
171	* ToiletHumor: Recurring, but two examples are probably the most literal you can find.
172	--> 145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test.
173	--> 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.
174	* WholesomeCrossdresser: One story, [[https://web.archive.org/web/20200203074423/http://skippyslist.com/2010/11/19/the-battalion-dance-2/ "The Battalion Dance"]], tells the story of Skippy and his fellow soldiers being forced to attend a dance that they ''really'' didn't want to (mainly because they were actually forced to work in multiple car washes to raise money for said dance, and when that didn't work out, [[HappinessIsMandatory attendance was made mandatory]]... but everyone had to either buy/rent a suit or a dress, ''and'' buy the damn ticket. Suffice to say, everyone hated this dance). Skippy initially tries attending wearing a dress, but before the dance, someone rats him out and he is not allowed to wear the dress. Then he meets a transvestite... [[spoiler: and gets ratted out again, and shortly afterwards, mandatory dance attendance is cancelled. Skippy noted that his attempt to go to the dance with a drag queen may have had nothing to do with the decision, since it's kind of against the rules for the higher-ups to order their soldiers to spend money on a dance for their wives (and it's also against the rules to order them to appear in any uniform that wasn't issued to them, incidentally.).]]
175	* YourSoulIsMine
176	--> 10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time.
177	** [[FridgeBrilliance As for non-government (e.g. Personal) time]], well....
178

Context Literature / SkippysList