| 1 | ->''"Isaac Clarke is basically the character who does everything we keep yelling at people in horror films to do. He has a suit of armor that he never takes off, he uses convenient high-powered cutting tools to carve his initials into slime monsters, and he never speaks, because he knows his dialogue would have to come from the same God-awful script that all the other sods are using."'' |
| 2 | -->-- '''[[WebAnimation/ZeroPunctuation Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw]]''' on ''VideoGame/DeadSpace'' |
| 3 | |
| 4 | Why should the EvilOverlord have all the GenreSavvy [[EvilOverlordList knowledge]]? Anyone can figure out what to do, depending on what kind of fiction they are in, and what kind of character they are. |
| 5 | |
| 6 | Read these lists, and you'll be GenreSavvy, or close enough. Fail to read them, and your GenreBlindness will condemn you to pick up any IdiotBall you see, perhaps even become TooDumbToLive. Just make sure you read the ''[[WrongGenreSavvy right]]'' list. As a note, any one of these might count just as well for another kind of story (for example, Caveat Emptor when entering TheLittleShopThatWasntThereYesterday is a given in both a transformation comic and a horror story) but it's your choice how much of each genre you decide to be savvy about in any given moment. |
| 7 | |
| 8 | Note that developing one's character further, whether good or evil, is ''always'' beneficial. No matter what genre you're in, it makes you popular among the fanbase, and may even make the story more popular--which is, again, always good. Done properly, it may even induce characters of the opposite side to assist you. |
| 9 | |
| 10 | For various character types and other miscellaneous guides, see the JustForFun/TVTropesHowToGuides index. |
| 11 | |
| 12 | ''Please feel free to add any tips you have in the relevant sections.'' |
| 13 | ---- |
| 14 | |
| 15 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 16 | |
| 17 | |
| 18 | !!By Genre |
| 19 | * TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide/MultiGenre |
| 20 | * TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide/FairyTales |
| 21 | * TheUniversalGenreSavvyGuide/{{Fantasy}} |
| 22 | |
| 23 | [[folder:Furry]] |
| 24 | * That strange hairless monkey with no common sense is called a human. [[MostWritersAreHuman He or she is the main character, and shall be treated appropriately.]] |
| 25 | * [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman If I am the only Furry in the work]], I will not behave in any manner that will [[TheScrappy encourage the fan base to kill me off]]--they'll already be after my blood. [[ObfuscatingStupidity Safest to hide as]] [[FunnyAnimal comic relief.]] |
| 26 | ** Or I'll be SickeninglySweet in order to get the {{fangirl}}s on my side. Or I'll at least manage some [[Webcomic/{{Freefall}} Florence Ambrose]] level of SugarWiki/HeartwarmingMoments. |
| 27 | *** She has all the luck. [[IncrediblyLamePun Bitch.]] |
| 28 | *** Of course, I should also make sure that it doesn't look like I'm ''trying'' to be disgustingly cute, because if I pass the threshold from "fangirl favorite" into TheScrappy, I may as well write my will then and there because the next WhamEpisode will probably involve me being killed off as painfully and possibly humiliatingly as possible just to [[CerebusSyndrome prove a point about the villain.]] |
| 29 | * If there is, has been, or may ever be sort of conflict between humans and furries, I will act conciliatory towards both sides (especially if I'm [[HumansAreBastards human]]) to avoid being on the wrong side when conflict breaks out. |
| 30 | ** If I'm human, I will not attempt to engage a furry in a fair fight. A lot of furries will have at least some of the physical attributes that give their normal-animal counterpart the advantage. |
| 31 | ** If I'm furry, I will not attempt to engage a human in a fair fight. I may have claws, teeth, and other natural advantages he doesn't, but MostWritersAreHuman. It's very likely that the fight will be biased in favor of the human, no matter how close to "fair" we try to make it. |
| 32 | ** Or, should I wish to stay neutral, I will do as much as I am able to get away before such a conflict breaks out, detractors be damned. |
| 33 | * I will take note of and learn how to respond to any AnimalStereotypes that exist in the setting I live in, and especially ones applicable to my particular species. If they exist, [[FantasticRacism they will be used against me]] at some point in my adventures. |
| 34 | * Most species of animal have natural enemies, whether it's a predator and his favorite prey or two predators competing over the same prey. This conflict will appear in furry media, even among anthropomorphic animals in an otherwise-civilized setting. It is for that reason that I'll learn hand-to-hand combat and carry at least three non-lethal weapons on my person. |
| 35 | ** If I need to fight off a would-be assailant, I will make use of whatever natural weapons and defenses come as part my species, as demonstrated [[http://www.sabrina-online.com/strips/SabOnline205.GIF here]] by [[Webcomic/SabrinaOnline Sabrina Skunk.]] |
| 36 | ** If my natural senses aren't sensitive enough to detect somebody stalking me, I'll look into artificial senses that are. |
| 37 | * I will do what I can to mate and marry within my own genus if it's at all possible. {{Interspecies Romance}}s tend to bring out the {{Fantastic Racist}}s among the couple's immediate friends and family, and any hybrid babies that result from them will be made more unpredictable and wild to give the writer more material for jokes. |
| 38 | * I will dress fully and wear shoes, even if it's normal to be [[HalfDressedCartoonAnimal half naked]], [[AccessoryWearingCartoonAnimal naked except for a few accessories]], or [[BarefootCartoonAnimal barefoot]] in the setting. |
| 39 | ** If I can't acquire a complete outfit, I will at least dress as fully as possible. |
| 40 | * If I'm a reptile, I will familiarize myself with [[ReptilesAreAbhorrent certain negative portrayals of reptiles in furry fiction]] and use them as guides on how ''not'' to conduct myself. |
| 41 | * If I'm any species of turtle or tortoise, ducking into my shell carries the risk that [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros somebody will kick my shell and send me spinning across the room like a hockey puck.]] I will establish rules of consent with my friends concerning this, and refrain from ducking into my shell in public as much as possible. |
| 42 | * Being an anthropomorphic animal may occasionally mean [[MyInstinctsAreShowing feeling compelled to behave and act on instincts stereotypical of my species]]. I will learn to resist and/or control those urges. |
| 43 | ** I will be wary of characters I don't know trying to trigger those instincts. A lot of the time, characters that do this have set up a trap or some other bad situation, and they're using my instincts to bait me into jumping into it. |
| 44 | * If I exist in a world where [[FurryConfusion non-sapient animals resembling me]] are also present, I will regard them as no more similar to myself than chimpanzees are to humans, so as to avoid being accused of lacking moral consistency. |
| 45 | ** As a corollary to the above, if I am a [[CarnivoreConfusion carnivore]], I will seek out whatever non-sapient food options exist in the setting. |
| 46 | * If I am to turn into a human, my human form will be a ''Anime/JewelpetMagicalChange'' one instead of a ''WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyEquestriaGirls'' one. The former is empowering and can ensure an ending. The latter is depowering and will not get my series a proper ending. |
| 47 | [[/folder]] |
| 48 | |
| 49 | |
| 50 | [[folder:Harem]] |
| 51 | !!If I am the lead... |
| 52 | * I will keep my hands in my pockets at all times around women. Failure to do so can have [[ThanksForTheMammary unfortunate]] [[AccidentalPervert consequences.]] |
| 53 | * I will memorize a large list of InnocentInnuendo and avoid using any of it, especially when talking to my female costars. |
| 54 | * I will stay ''away'' from the hot spring, especially if it is clothing optional. This goes double for communual baths. My bath will be in a separate room only accessible from my own bedroom, which I will keep locked whenever I am not there. |
| 55 | ** If avoiding the baths is impossible, I will invest in a check-in sheet for the door, so that I do not end up entering while someone of the opposite gender is inside. |
| 56 | *** Even with that precaution in place, I will make sure to knock and ask if someone is inside at least three times before actually entering. Loudly slamming the door is a good idea, too. |
| 57 | * As mentioned above, I will not encourage the advances of suitors. I will tell them at the first possible opportunity that I am not looking for a relationship. My door will have a sign on it that says "Nope, still not interested." It would be prudent of me to already have a boy[=/=]girlfriend who is not a member of the harem and to inform the harem about our existing relationship. Wearing a fake engagement ring might help as well. |
| 58 | ** If the above fails, I will [[SorryImGay claim to be homosexual]]. ''Unless'' my harem includes a {{Yaoi Fan|girl}}[=/=]YuriFan. |
| 59 | ** If the harem includes a {{Yandere}}, this is could mean a death sentence for my significant-other, me, anyone nearby, and[=/=]or a few police. Thus, in the interest of saving lives, I will demand a SuicidePact as proof of love, ideally with the Yandere dying before and me later (of old age, surrounded by grandchildren). Note: This will not work if they're already some sort of [[TheUndead undead]]. |
| 60 | * Before committing to any one girl ([[MarryThemAll if that's even necessary]]), be sure to have sufficient knowledge of all the girls in the harem and sort out any problems, psychosis, etc. they might have. While this can and will be difficult with other girls being jealous of your attention giving and may end up making said girl harder to get rid of from the harem, the last thing you need is a {{Yandere}} at your neck. |
| 61 | * I will never allow my friends to convince me to peek in girls' baths, changing rooms, or anything similar to those examples. |
| 62 | ** If they go on without me, I will not try to stop them. Chances are good I will get caught while they get away. Instead I will tell either an adult or one of the girls. (But not the CuteAndPsycho one. Screams of agony make a poor lullaby) |
| 63 | ** In the same vein, I will attempt to avoid having friends that are {{Lovable Sex Maniac}}s or any other personality that perpetuates the AllMenArePerverts stereotype, who salivate at the idea of taking advantage of my situation without regards to whatever harm will befall me in the long run. Those types lead to the situations described above and generally cause more problems. |
| 64 | ** If I can help it, at least some my friends should consist of other, like-minded, rational folks who are able to respect the people who make up my harem as ''people'' first and not "opportunities". Not only will that help with managing all the girls attracted to me by not causing unnecessary confusion, but it will also allow the possibility for some of the girls [[PairTheSpares to become more attracted to my friends rather than myself]], thinning out the ones chasing me and ensuring all of them don't end up being alone in the case I begin a relationship with one of them. |
| 65 | * Should I have an attractive younger or older sister or female cousin that I have a very close relationship with, I will make sure to introduce her to all of the girls attracted to me as soon as possible to avoid confusion. |
| 66 | * If I hear someone scream in another room, I will shout "What's wrong?" and wait for a response ''before'' entering the room. |
| 67 | * I will make it clear that I do not intend to accept physical abuse from anyone, regardless of my gender. Anyone trying to hit me will be stopped. If I am unable to stop the attack, I will either counter to the best of my ability or else try to get whatever authorities are appropriate to deal with the situation. |
| 68 | * At no point will I use the word "love" towards someone unless I seriously mean it. Above all, I will ''never'' say "I love you/her...as a friend." It never helps. |
| 69 | * Upon discovering I have a harem, I will go over each member in my head. If there are one or more members I feel I would never choose over the others, I will be sure to tell them I'm not interested. Otherwise, [[LoveDodecahedron things get needlessly complicated]]. |
| 70 | ** The only exception to this rule is if their hidden depths are later revealed to me, and that drastically changes my opinion of them. |
| 71 | ** When someone who I don't love confesses to me in that way, I will treat their emotions seriously and not forget about how they feel the minute I walk out the door. I don't have to pussyfoot around them for the rest of our lives, but I should take into account how they feel when doing things that are relevant. I will not assume that their emotions have gone away until shown otherwise, and I will remember that denial, though comfortable for ''me,'' ultimately solves nothing. |
| 72 | * To be truly savvy, ''grow a spine'' and then deliberately break most or all above rules. Play those girls for all it's worth, because you may never have another chance like it. |
| 73 | ** I will make sure that no lasting harm will come of this. A once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, no matter what its nature, is '''no''' excuse to be reckless. |
| 74 | ** Caveat: most of the above advice is intended to avoid serious injuries delivered by pissed-off girls. Taking advantage of the situation has been known to result in an ''instant'' KarmicDeath. |
| 75 | *** [[VisualNovel/SchoolDays Or worse.]] |
| 76 | * If I have a potential love interest but if I find out that there is someone else who has known him/her well and cared for them since childhood and is quite possibly in love with them (even if they won't admit it at first) I will back off and not be a potential threat to their love life, ''especially'' if that potential love interest still genuinely cares for that person. (In fact if possible I might even try to see if I can play match-maker with them but that's optional.) Because even if I do make that other person an UnluckyChildhoodFriend there is a very good chance that the fanbase will ([[DieForOurShip to put it mildly]]) definitely want to take their side (and it's often rather justified). However that's only if that person is genuinely good; if s/he would deserve to be an UnluckyChildhoodFriend then it's no problem then. |
| 77 | ** This policy may be modified if they faced a long separation and seeing each other for the first time several months after I met my love interest. In that case I still stand a chance. Naturally, I will still be as nice as possible, but I may use this opportunity to act conspicuously insecure somewhere my love interest can see me. |
| 78 | * If I am trying to be a VictoriousChildhoodFriend I will persevere but do it in the friendliest way possible, while it is true that if I do end up to be an UnluckyChildhoodFriend I will most likely appear to be quite sympathetic. (However I should be really careful and try not to [[TookALevelInJerkass take a level in Jerkass]]; otherwise that would make any sympathy go away.) But if I can't avoid being an UnluckyChildhoodFriend, and if I have a choice in either IWantMyBelovedToBeHappy or TookALevelInJerkass, I will definitely choose the former. |
| 79 | ** For that matter, if I find myself having romantic feelings and/or attraction to my childhood friend, ''I will '''tell''' them'' as soon as I figure it out. If I wait until after the crazy stuff has started or someone else starts to show an interest in them, it's probably too late. |
| 80 | * If I'm stuck in a situation in which all of my love interests are sadistic arseholes, I ''will'' [[WhatTheHellHero speak my mind]] when they get out of control instead of keeping my mouth shut, and find some way to escape my situation even if it kills me. Besides, [[ExactWords they don't seem to care about me]], so it would just make sense to take a "burden" off of their shoulders. |
| 81 | ** Above all else, ''do not'' [[AllGirlsWantBadBoys fall in love]] [[DoubleStandardAbuseFemaleOnMale with them]]. I'll be more likely to justify and excuse their [[FetishizedAbuser less savory actions]] towards me if I do. I'll try to keep as many loving influences around me as possible too, in order to remind myself what kind of relationships I should actually potentially want. |
| 82 | * If (while still in high school or college) I have been assigned to become the landlord/manager for a girls' dormitory, and I run into a girl my age ([[CrashInToHello literally]] or otherwise), I will ask her for directions to the place, since she will most likely be a resident there (and thus can back me up when I have to convince all the other residents that I'm not a pervert). |
| 83 | * If my harem is a CastFullOfPrettyBoys... |
| 84 | ** Do not let them be the only aggressive ones. Assert myself back if possible, and clearly show my interest. (I usually can't be as forward as a love interest or side character could in these situations, especially if this is an adaptation of an Otome series, but dammit, I've got to try.) |
| 85 | ** Be on guard if the characters are referred to as "princes". I may not have trouble if my love interests are {{Princely Young M|an}}en, but if the definition is more along the lines of PrinceCharmless, stay sharp. In any case, be ''very'' suspicious of the former; they could just as easily be putting up a facade for whatever reason. |
| 86 | ** Remind myself that I'll never repay my debt or get out of blackmail if I keep getting sidetracked by their interest in me. I can't be cold about it though, unless my schtick was that I'm at the starting stage of a DefrostingIceQueen plot. |
| 87 | !!If I am a love interest... |
| 88 | * I will not be a {{Tsundere}} if I can help it. It can be [[MasterOfTheMixedMessage needlessly confusing]] and any lead worth their harem would stay away from the MoodSwinger. |
| 89 | ** If I must be a tsundere, I will be a Type B. |
| 90 | * I will also not be a {{Yandere}}. See bullet 1. Also, do I really want to be known as "The Crazy One"? |
| 91 | * I will befriend the other members of the harem. First, it's good to know the competition. Second, a friendly harem is less likely to MurderTheHypotenuse and more likely to end on relatively good terms. |
| 92 | * If I happen to be female, the doors to the bathroom and my room will be sturdy and have locks, my clothes will [[ClothingDamage be durable and able to withstand a strong tug without falling apart]], and any diaries/embarrassing pictures/other such items will be either disposed of by burning or kept in a safe inside a locked closet at all times. |
| 93 | ** I will not immediately attack the lead if I catch them doing something that's [[AccidentalPervert possibly perverted.]] Instead, I will calm down and listen to what they have to say. Unless they are known for being a HandsomeLech, they probably ARE telling the truth, as farfetched as it may seem. And sometimes, even the lech is being honest. |
| 94 | * Unless I am sparring with them, I resist the urge to attack the lead, with the exception of the occasional DopeSlap or GetAHoldOfYourselfMan (or [[GetAHoldOfYourselfWoman Woman]]). By attacking them, I have given them the right to retaliate, [[WouldHitAGirl female or not.]] Also, I have given the rest of the harem [[ViolentlyProtectiveGirlfriend reason to attack me as well.]] |
| 95 | * If I am the BrokenBird in the harem or TroubledButCute, I will remember that unless the lead is explicitly the cause of my emotional problems, they are not responsible for my emotional problems and thus resist dumping or projecting them on to them. |
| 96 | * If I am the CuteAndPsycho one in the harem, I will try to quell my psycho urges. Most leads will put up with a cute psycho so long as they are more cute than psycho. |
| 97 | * If I genuinely expect the lead to become my lover, [[CanNotSpitItOut I]] '''[[AvertedTrope will]]''' [[CanNotSpitItOut tell the lead that]] '''''[[AnguishedDeclarationOfLove I LIKE THEM.]]''''' I will do this [[LoveEpiphany as soon as I personally figure it out.]] I will say it in ways [[ObliviousToLove they understand]] and as long and [[SelectiveObliviousness as often as it takes for them to get it]] or until they tell me to shut up. |
| 98 | * If the lead tells me "No, I don't want to go out with you," I will neither MurderTheHypotenuse [[WomanScorned nor the lead.]] Instead, I will smile, say "Thank you" and leave with as much dignity as I can muster. This has a two-fold benefit: one, the lead will be more likely to remember me fondly which will help my chances should I decide to try again much later; and two, this will likely impress the lead's attractive friends, at least one of whom may consider dating me. |
| 99 | * When I, the lead, and the other members of the harem [[BeachEpisode go to a water park]], and one of the girls gives me an inner-tube that needs to be inflated, I will not accept it (because if I did, she would get a big head-start). |
| 100 | * I will keep an eye on the lead's attractive friends. [[TasteTheRainbow If they can have choices]], so can I. Fair's fair. |
| 101 | * If I can see that the lead genuinely cares about me and the other girls in the harem, and isn't able to choose between us, I will consider MarryThemAll solution. This will spare us trouble with a LoveDodecahedron and prevent ShipToShipCombat from destroying the fandom. |
| 102 | [[/folder]] |
| 103 | |
| 104 | |
| 105 | [[folder:Horror]] |
| 106 | [[AC: Cosmic Horror]] |
| 107 | * I will not treat things as a Franchise/ScoobyDoo style man in a mask when there is blatant, copious evidence to the contrary. |
| 108 | ** I will avoid associating myself with ''anyone'' who does the above, lest that person ends up taking me with them to their graves. |
| 109 | * I will not waste time trying to get my friends, family, etc. [[YouHaveToBelieveMe to believe me without sufficient evidence]]. This is a lovely way to get institutionalized. |
| 110 | ** On the other hand, if this EldritchAbomination can't get to me while I'm in the asylum, it's not a bad hiding place while I figure out what the right course of action is. |
| 111 | * I will make sure not to be an [[AssholeVictim asshole, a snob or a mean spirited person]] in any way. I will also PetTheDog whenever possible. Though my chances of surviving this at all are slim, the way I die will be less horrific if I'm not as much of a monster as what we're facing. |
| 112 | ** It had better be a ''we'' and not just me, or else the evil will have already won hands down. |
| 113 | * I will immediately drag my true companions into this. The odds of me dying drop for each other person involved. |
| 114 | ** Alternatively, if I wish not to be involved, I will [[RefusalOfTheCall courteously refuse]], head for my car, and [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere floor it]]. |
| 115 | * I will not [[WebVideo/EverymanHYBRID attack the unspeakable evil with a]] [[BatterUp baseball bat]]. It won't help. Nor will trying to [[CarFu hit him with a car]]. I will only attempt this if the horror is mortal, like a serial killer, and has already claimed several victims, and they ''didn't'' fight back and prove it useless. |
| 116 | ** [[VideoGame/EarthBound1994 If smashing it with a baseball bat proves to be effective]], I will do so until my arms fall off. |
| 117 | *** [[Series/StrangerThings The baseball bat will have spikes.]] If the thing is vulnerable to ColdIron or [[DepletedPhlebotinumShells some other metal]], the spikes will be made of that. |
| 118 | ** Similarly, [[VideoGame/KirbyAndTheForgottenLand if hitting the unspeakable evil with a car (or a truck) proves effective]], I will run it over until the car (or truck) is too smashed up to move. |
| 119 | * [[DoNotTauntCthulhu I will not taunt Cthulhu or anything Cthulhu-like in nature.]] |
| 120 | ** If I disregard this and do it anyway, I will stop [[Film/ParanormalActivity when it becomes clear I'm making it absolutely furious.]] |
| 121 | *** If I don't stop by then, my true companions have my permission to kill me outright, as I'm clearly being TooDumbToLive. |
| 122 | * I will always keep my car in good condition and not let the gas tank get too low to avoid [[ClosedCircle inconvenient breakdowns]] at all costs. |
| 123 | * If I need to go to a suspicious looking place, I will try to minimize my time there and not [[TooDumbToLive sing about it.]] [[note]]I'm looking at you, [[Film/TheRockyHorrorPictureShow Brad and Janet]].[[/note]] |
| 124 | ** If going there is not necessary (and it shouldn't be), I will OptOut the first instance my friends (assuming I fell in with [[CuriosityKilledTheCast the terminally-curious variety]] in the first place, that is) ask me if I want to join in. If [[ButThouMust they insist that I join in anyway]], I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere break away from the]] [[TooDumbToLive suicidally-curious pack]] the first chance I get (read: as soon as possible, especially if they're not looking). The only exception is if everyone else has agreed to go and I'm already in the same area as the killer, as being alone is even more dangerous. |
| 125 | ** If there is some sort of spell put on me that has every single word I utter into a song, I will simply not speak. |
| 126 | * I will join the army and never stray from my unit which is full of anonymous guys who fire strictly in volleys. That way my only job will be to save the last person left alive. |
| 127 | ** If the story happens to focus on my unit even a little, I'll make sure to [[HelmetsAreHardlyHeroic ditch the helmet]] and [[NominalImportance say my name]] as soon as possible. This will hopefully get the camera pointed on me most of the time and immensely improve my odds of survival. |
| 128 | * Above all else, I will avoid being a part of the conflict as much as I can. The less screentime I get, the better my chances of survival. |
| 129 | * If this turns out to be a true CosmicHorrorStory, I will ignore any or all of the above at my leisure, since I and everyone else is doomed anyway. I can at least take some cold comfort in knowing that whatever horror gets me is just as screwed in the grand scheme of things. |
| 130 | * If possible, I will try to get turned into a monster. I may go insane and will almost certainly be outcast from human society, but at least I'll be on the winning side. |
| 131 | * If I find a dusty old book filled with occult writing that mentions unspeakable horrors, I will either leave it alone or [[KillItWithFire burn it]]. |
| 132 | ** On the off chance burning the book may unleash [[SealedEvilInACan the demonic entity trapped inside]], I will make sure to keep my damned mouth ''shut'' as I check the text for advice on what to do next. What kind of moron can't process information without reading it out loud, anyway? |
| 133 | * If I happen to live in Ireland, Scotland, Wales, New England, the New Jersey Pine Barrens, or Louisiana I will ''leave immediately'' and relocate somewhere innocuous and sunny. |
| 134 | |
| 135 | [[AC:Kolchak]] |
| 136 | * I will always listen to and be patient with Carl Kolchak. I will believe ''everything'' he says and do whatever he suggests, no matter how outlandish I think it sounds. |
| 137 | * If I am a police officer and [[Series/KolchakTheNightStalker we happen to be in Chicago]], I will expect Kolchak not to trust me. |
| 138 | * I will not sign up with INS, or indeed go into journalism at all. |
| 139 | |
| 140 | [[AC: General Horror]] |
| 141 | |
| 142 | [[https://web.archive.org/web/20170127201432/http://www.sff.net/people/Wm.Mark.Simmons/horror.htm Go here.]] [[http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Horror-Movie-Seth-Grahame-Smith/dp/1594741794/ Or read this.]] |
| 143 | * Overarching rule: once I find out a rule I will follow it. HorrorHatesARulebreaker, after all. |
| 144 | * Above all else I will remember it's entirely possible to be [[WrongGenreSavvy wrong]]. Just because it looks like something might happen is never a guarantee that there won't be at least a [[SubvertedTrope subversion]] or two. As soon as I know I'm wrong I shall change strategy and adapt to the correct genre. |
| 145 | * If anything bad has been happening around my neighborhood lately, under ''absolutely no circumstances whatsoever'' will I have sex with ''anyone'', even my spouse; [[SexSignalsDeath that never ends well]]. In fact, even when everything's apparently resolved, I'll be sure to wait a week or two to see if the monster[=/=]SerialKiller[=/=]EldritchAbomination[=/=]whatever is [[DeaderThanDead truly gone for good]] before having sex, lest I be killed to show it's NotQuiteDead for a SequelHook. |
| 146 | * If I am a child or teenager when bad things start happening in my neighborhood, and my parents, guardians, or other responsible adults impose a curfew or insist that I only go out in a group with friends, I will ''follow their rules''. I will also never attempt any LoopholeAbuse by [[StrangerDanger going out alone with anyone to whom I've only just been introduced and don't actually know that well]]. If said stranger tries to invoke this loophole by claiming I ''do'' know him or her, I will both flatly refuse the offer, and report this incident to a trusted adult; chances are, that's the monster who's been doing all the killing/raping/[[FateWorseThanDeath other horrible things]]. |
| 147 | * If the local mythology of the quiet country town I've moved to prominently mentions vampires/werewolves/any supernatural creature, I will assume that AllMythsAreTrue and take appropriate steps to protect myself. I will not ignore the old [[ProperlyParanoid crazy guy's illogical ramblings]] or take long, lonely walks on the beach/forest at night. |
| 148 | ** However, I will be willing to acknowledge that the legends may have misrepresented said supernatural creatures, and show friendly interest in their side of the story--while keeping my hand on my gun. You never know when the author might decide to pull a GenreShift... |
| 149 | ** On that note, if I left my small hometown years ago because of a dark secret in my past that I never talk about, I'll keep that fact in mind, leave the will and estate business up to the family lawyers, and try my best not to move back there or visit the place for any other reasons. Yes, I'll miss out on passionate romance with the brooding, lantern-jawed hunk with his own dark secrets that I would've inevitably met there, but going by established trends in the genre, there's at least ten dudes exactly like him where I live now anyway. |
| 150 | * I will remember that, [[WhatMeasureIsANonHuman for anything that should be dead anyway or has too many tentacles]], MurderIsTheBestSolution. |
| 151 | * If something tall and wearing a coat stands in front of my door, I will not open the door nor will I run away. Instead, I will grab a shotgun and blast the door and the figure down. Then I'll blast the figure again. [[BoomHeadshot In its head.]] [[DoubleTap And Again]]. |
| 152 | ** [[ChunkySalsaRule Then repeat until it no longer has a head.]] |
| 153 | ** I will, though, make sure to install a peephole ahead of time. Nothing's more embarrassing than blasting the census man by mistake, and in the time it takes to realize my error, guess who just appeared ''{{right behind me}}''...? |
| 154 | * In the rare event that I have the killer at my mercy because I'm pointing the gun at him or her, I will not stop to toss off a taunt or PreMortemOneLiner or offer one last chance to repent. Even if such ThirdActStupidity doesn't [[TooDumbToLive get me killed]], it will only prolong the horror movie (which has lasted long enough already) and possibly add to the body count and number of injuries the good guys suffer. [[JustShootHim Instead, I will shoot the killer on sight.]] |
| 155 | ** If, however, the killer is actually encouraging me to pull the trigger and a friend has just arrived and is telling me to stop, I will hear my friend out (while keeping my eyes and gun leveled on the killer). It doesn't hurt to listen, but it just may if I don't. (DemonicPossession and [[HeWhoFightsMonsters monsters who make monsters of their slayers]] can be a major headache in these stories, particularly if the the horror at its core is supernatural.) That said, I will warn said friend that I will have to shoot him too if he gets too close. Better safe than sorry. |
| 156 | *** TakeAThirdOption: I will go by the killer's ExactWords and [[WesternAnimation/RickAndMorty have someone else pull the trigger]]. |
| 157 | * If I hear weird noises coming from behind a door, I will instead use another door. Or improvise. |
| 158 | * If I strike a dark figure while trying to escape from a menacing being, I will not check to make sure the figure is okay. Instead, I will either make sure it is dead by running over it again or just keep driving. |
| 159 | ** I will not do this if I have not seen the killer yet, however. Even if it is a horror movie, getting arrested for hit-and-run will not help. [[PoliceAreUseless The police will not be able to stop the killer when he comes after me]], and will likely not even believe me. |
| 160 | * If I am currently in America I will stay away from [[LovecraftCountry New England]], or the DeepSouth. If I am in [[CampbellCountry England]] I will try as best as I am able to get off that Island. |
| 161 | ** If circumstances arise in which I absolutely must travel through one of these places, I will carry more fuel for my vehicle than I think I will need. I will strap more to the outside of the car if I need to. I will also keep a concealed gun on me at all times. Under no circumstances am I stopping for longer than absolutely necessary to refuel if I run out (especially if the only employee is a CreepyGasStationAttendant), and asking the locals for more is completely out of the question. |
| 162 | * If I am female, and just must investigate strange noises in the dark outside, the basement, the attic, the air lock, etc, if the option exists I will wear more than a bra/panties, a towel, or just a T-shirt. Even if it doesn't improve my survivability, it makes for a more dignified ending. |
| 163 | ** I will also bring a weapon, even if I have to improvise it; even if the horror I'm facing turns out to be [[ImmuneToBullets impervious to such weapons]], horror writers love to spare girls with a brain who dress sensibly and make their best effort to survive, and such girls consequently have a much higher probability of being the FinalGirl. |
| 164 | ** If I am a blonde, I will immediately dye my hair some other colour. If not [[DumbBlonde for my own intellect]], then because [[SlashersPreferBlondes blondes seem to be targeted more frequently.]] |
| 165 | * As soon as the killings start (assuming I wasn't among the first set of victims), I will relocate to another neighborhood as soon as possible. |
| 166 | * I will never come back to my [[ClosedCircle isolated]] and [[TownWithADarkSecret seemingly peaceful]] [[DyingTown dying hometown]], if I know there were mysterious and deadly things happening in the past. Especially if said events were the reason I left town in the first place! Any of my old friends claiming that these events didn't take place is either a part of the conspiracy and will get me eaten or TooDumbToLive and will end as a snack for the monster themselves. Either way, they're not to be trusted or saved. |
| 167 | ** If I hear that something strange is happening again, I won't rush to check on my loved ones or old friends. Mobiles exist for a reason and if they don't respond, they're most likely dead meat anyway. |
| 168 | * Musty old [[TomeOfEldritchLore Tomes of Eldritch Lore]] are to be avoided at all costs. If I absolutely must peruse one, I will never read it aloud. It's safer that way, both for me and for everyone around me. |
| 169 | * If a strange voice starts talking to me in my head, it probably isn't my conscience or God. |
| 170 | * If I'm the only black guy in the movie and can't just up and leave town, I'll go out of my way to loudly and frequently complain about how "[[UncleTomFoolery I'm gonna die with all these crazy-ass white people!]]" Sure, it's undignified and obnoxious, but it's the best chance I've got; irony is the one thing slasher movie villains love more than [[BlackGuyDiesFirst killing the only black guy]]. |
| 171 | ** On the other hand, if I'm the only black guy and played by a rapper--especially one named Music/LLCoolJ--I'll just kick my heels up for the next 80 minutes and enjoy a nice, hot mug of chamomile with a twist of lemon. Nothing will be required of me until it's time to pop up out of nowhere and save the FinalGirl, and I'll be in no danger whatsoever even then, because the rapper ''never'' gets bumped off. |
| 172 | ** As a corollary, if I'm one of two black guys in the movie and the other guy is played by a rapper--especially one named LL Cool J--then I'll have no choice but to take him out immediately by any means necessary; they only put two of us in there so they can safely kill one and leave a spare to come back and help save the day, and the rapper ''never'' gets bumped off... unless I take some initiative. |
| 173 | * No matter what the price, that [[Film/HouseAtTheEndOfTheStreet abandoned old house]] in the middle of Nowheresville is ''no'' bargain. If I am selling, those pretty young things looking for a deal aren't likely to ask any questions. If I am a potential customer, I'll refuse and instead opt for something within the city limits. |
| 174 | * If I'm into homosexuality or bisexuality or any other unconventional sexuality, or suspect myself to be, I will never follow the main characters or be seen with my significant other near the site of conflict. In fact, I will just move out of town if I can. [[BuryYourGays The less screentime I get, the better.]] |
| 175 | ** [[StraightGay Alternatively, if I am the protagonist, I will try to act as "straight" as possible and never take any part in romance or fetishes, even off-screen.]] If the killer (and the audience) doesn't know about my sexual proclivities, I'm that much less likely to be targeted. |
| 176 | * I will never, NEVER, '''NEVER''', '''''NEVER''''' [[FoundFootageFilms pick up a handheld camera]], ever. The handheld camera is an IdiotBall with a lens, and the crippling stupidity I'm required to possess while [[ApocalypticLog I tote one of the damned things around through all sorts of mortal peril is in no way worth the inevitable payoff of the audience getting to see me kick the bucket in 1st-person.]] I don't care if people "have to know" what happens to us; they're just going to have to find out through some way that isn't ''me''. And if I find one with a recording on it from a previous victim, I will constantly check my surroundings lest the killer creeps up on me while I'm watching. |
| 177 | * I will never go play hide-and-seek after dark, in an abandoned building or in the forest. Especially if there are rumors of people disappearing. |
| 178 | * I will keep my back to the wall at all times, unless the killer lives in the walls or has the ability to phase or [[BarrierBustingBlow break through walls]] or teleport. The last thing I need is to get jumped by something I could have seen coming. I will also [[VerticalKidnapping keep an eye on the ceiling]]. |
| 179 | * If I suffer from a weight problem, can be considered a "geek" in any sense of the word, or have bullied anyone in the past, I will leave the country as soon as the killings start (if I am not one of the first victims). |
| 180 | * I will keep in mind that competence and pragmatism are both double-edged swords that might [[DeathByGenreSavviness get me killed]] to [[TheWorfEffect show how dangerous and unstoppable the villain is]]. At the very least I will not be visibly competent to the point of becoming the world-famous expert on dealing with monsters/demons/masked killers, as this tends to [[TheWorldsExpertOnGettingKilled drastically decrease one's chances of survival]]. [[DeathByPragmatism For the same reason]] I will think twice before advocating any plan that involves sacrificing someone for the greater good, as that usually [[KickTheDog comes off as cruel]], further [[AssholeVictim hurting my chances]]. I will especially not take it upon myself to [[PushedAtTheMonster push someone at the monster]]. |
| 181 | ** If the sacrifice I'm suggesting is ''[[HeroicSacrifice myself]]'', on the other hand, I just instantly upped my chances of survival by about 35%. Obviously, that's 65% less than the ideal, but at least if I don't pull through, it'll likely be considered part of a BittersweetEnding. |
| 182 | ** Even then, I'll need to weigh all my options very carefully, as there's a distinct possibility that the writer is just [[ShootTheShaggyDog being an asshole]] and setting me up for a SenselessSacrifice. Hey, being savvy doesn't ''always'' make things easier. |
| 183 | * If I take charge in my own survival by acquiring a firearm, I will count the rounds in the clip or magazine. Then I can [[CountingBullets count in my head while fighting]] to ensure I know exactly when I'm out of ammo. I will be very accurate here as there's nothing worse than [[CantCountBullets being wrong]]. |
| 184 | ** Furthermore, [[IWillFightSomeMoreForever if an emptied clip didn't take out the one thing I'm shooting at, I should probably run.]] |
| 185 | * I will NOT carry a flashlight. Flashlights only work in one direction, and are [[TenSecondFlashlight prone to crap out with little to no provocation]] in most horror scenarios. Plus, monsters love to sabotage flashlights by stealing the batteries and bulbs from them while the humans aren't using them. Instead, I will use another portable light source, such as a liquid fuel or kerosene camping lantern. Not only do they shine brighter in more directions, but they're also more difficult to tamper with without being detected. If the horror scenario I'm in allows time for MacGyvering, I can also modify the lantern into a last-resort firebomb. |
| 186 | * I will always have a satellite phone with me, as I'm more likely to catch a satellite than cell signal. The phone will be of the [[MadeOfIndestructium everything-proof variety]]--I prefer sturdiness and long battery life to blatant smartphone product placement. Apart from the satellite phone, I will always carry a power pack and a cable so that I won't be caught with my phone's battery dry. |
| 187 | * If the house to which I'm supposed to be going looks vaguely Gothic or Neo-Gothic, then I am ''not'' going to that house. |
| 188 | * I will regularly check my car's engine so that it will start seamlessly when I have to get away quickly. |
| 189 | * Before moving to a new house, I will carefully check its past and what it was built on. If there's anything suspicious, I will choose a different house instead. |
| 190 | * If upon moving to a new house my shy, antisocial child starts to claim she/he has new friends I can't see, I will investigate and, if those imaginary friends act in unsettling ways, I will forbid my child to associate with them and get the hell away from this house. |
| 191 | * If for some reason I expect to be alone for the night in a potentially-haunted house, I will instead spend this night with my friends or family. |
| 192 | * If I hear suspicious noises, I will not go to investigate them alone. Instead, I will quietly, but quickly go in the opposite direction. This goes double if the noises are maniacal laughter, human scream or oddly loud breathing or eating sounds. |
| 193 | * Basements are bad. Cellars are worse. If there's no sign of any unusual activity yet, I'll move my stuff upstairs and have it walled off as soon as possible. If there are already strange things happening, I will leave my stuff down there and just block the damn thing off right away and move out; I can get a new foosball table, but I can't buy a new head after whatever's down there gets hungry and decides to snatch mine off at the shoulders. |
| 194 | * Upon entering a room or any other enclosed space, I will always check the [[CeilingCling ceiling]], wardrobes and drawers. I will do so with a ten-feet pole. |
| 195 | * I will not assume that I can outrun the monster or killer. Even if it moves slowly when I see it, I can be sure it has mastered OffscreenTeleportation or similar means of transportation. |
| 196 | * If I'm lucky enough to have armor and/or helmet, I will never take those off. ''Never''. Well, [[HelmetsAreHardlyHeroic maybe the helmet]], early on, if it [[FacelessMooks obscures my face]]. |
| 197 | * One exception for the above: if I'm part of an armed group wearing armor and helmets, and something starts rapidly killing my buddies, I have to take off the helmet immediately. [[RedShirt My friends and I only popped in so the baddies could show how deadly they are by slaughtering us all]], and losing the helmet greatly increases my odds of becoming a SoleSurvivor; horror stories '''love''' that guy! |
| 198 | ** Corollary: If the helmet trick didn't work, I'm out of ammunition, cornered by the baddie who just shrugged it all off, and it's clear that I won't be surviving after all, I'll make a point to have something cool to growl out [[DefiantToTheEnd in defiance]] instead of panicking and whimpering while it moves in for the kill. As the last one to die, I'm representing the rest of my squad; we couldn't stop the threat, but that doesn't mean we have to go out like a wuss. Besides, this increases my chances of being rescued. |
| 199 | * I will make sure to be on a good terms with resident priests, doctors, police officers and the [[INeedAFreakingDrink bartender]]. |
| 200 | * If I figure out who the killer is or how to stop them, I will ''keep my mouth shut.'' Figuring this out first makes me the smart guy and revealing the secret aloud would condemn me to being killed off mid-sentence. I will instead [[UnspokenPlanGuarantee silently work on my plan]] and wait for the protagonist's main plan to fail and lure out the killer to get the killshot myself. |
| 201 | * Under no circumstances will I attempt to dress up as the monster/killer and try to scare my friends. That can only end one of two ways: either the real monster/killer will pop up and kill me, or my friends will kill me by mistake. Either way, it's suicide. |
| 202 | ** If it is Halloween and I am organizing a costume party, I will insist that everyone knows what everyone is going to wear (and lets everyone know when/if they are going to remove their costumes) and that no one wears any sort of mask that completely obscures their faces. Even if these rules are followed, I will remain on high alert and assume that there is at least a 50/50 chance (probably higher) that the monster/killer has found a way into the party regardless. If I am invited to a party that does not have or enforce these rules, I will politely decline to attend. Being a living party pooper is always preferable to being a dead party animal. |
| 203 | * If I know how to ride a bicycle, then I will keep one around, preferably with off-road tires. It's better than walking and a great alternative for when the car won't start. |
| 204 | * I will not go to amusement venues that have been abandoned or condemned, and especially not at night. There will be {{Monster Clown}}s and HostileAnimatronics in them waiting to murder any living human that crosses their path. |
| 205 | * I will not assume the antagonist is dead. Ever. I don't care if we just dropped a nuke on them. I will assume they are merely incapacitated and flee, preferably in a vehicle. Immediately. Hesitate and I'm dead. |
| 206 | ** If anyone tries to tell me NoOneCouldSurviveThat, I'm leaving them behind. They're next to die and their death will buy me time. |
| 207 | * If, for some reason, living in a haunted house is unavoidable, or if one of my friends becomes possessed by an evil spirit, I will try to have any doors in the residence removed while the paranormal activity is still minor. Nothing is worse than trying to help someone in another room or trying to escape only to have the door slam shut in your face of its own accord. |
| 208 | [[/folder]] |
| 209 | |
| 210 | [[folder:Kaiju]] |
| 211 | [[AC: For humans such as civilians, scientists, and government or military officials:]] |
| 212 | * I WILL NOT APPROACH KAIJU, even if it's a benevolent one such as Mothra. They're so large, they could very well harm me by sheer accident. This goes doubly if the kaiju is radioactive. If I absolutely must approach a kaiju: |
| 213 | ** If it's an antagonistic or aggressive kaiju: '''Don't.''' Even if you're trying to kill it, chances are a benevolent one can [[TakesOneToKillOne do a better job than you]] (unless you're currently in a HumongousMecha, in which case, punch away). |
| 214 | ** If it's a neutral or animalistic kaiju: '''Still don't.''' Even if you're not trying to kill it, it may interpret your actions as such and lash out in fear, especially if you accidentally hit it's BerserkButton. The HumongousMecha rule from above still applies. |
| 215 | ** If it's a benevolent kaiju: |
| 216 | *** Stay calm and respectful. |
| 217 | *** Be sure to let them know you're there without spooking them. This will minimize your chances of accidentally being squashed into a grease stain. |
| 218 | *** Once this is done, keep a slight distance. If the kaiju wants to interact further, they'll come to you. Note on if they're moving slowly and carefully: if so, it means that they're taking extra precautions for your safety. |
| 219 | *** If they lay down or lower themselves, it means they want a closer look. If they come within touching distance, petting is OK. |
| 220 | *** Always, always, let the kaiju set the rules and boundaries of the interaction. If they start to leave or move away, let them. |
| 221 | * The watchword of the genre is "Fuck Around and Find Out". I will assume that any harmful, negligent, and/or selfish actions I take will probably have... rather ''[[IncrediblyLamePun large]]'' consequences. |
| 222 | * I will avoid metropolitan areas and famous landmarks whenever possible, given kaiju seem to view these as giant middle fingers that are just ''begging'' to be shot/crushed/trampled/vaporized. |
| 223 | ** Coastlines are another no-go area, as most kaiju are at the very least passable swimmers (if not semi- or fully-aquatic) and have a penchant for making landfall in a dramatic fashion, [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything similar to]] [[StockMonsterSymbolism a tsunami or hurricane]]. [[GiantFlyer Landfall is not always made by sea, but also over it]]. |
| 224 | ** The cities and locations to avoid with most urgency are: |
| 225 | *** [[TokyoIsTheCenterOfTHeUniverse Tokyo.]] It's a magnet for anything over 100 feet in height. |
| 226 | *** Japan in general, for the same reasons as above. |
| 227 | *** New York City. |
| 228 | *** San Francisco. |
| 229 | *** If possible, the entire Pacific Rim, and the islands within. In story after story, it's the natural habitat of kaiju. |
| 230 | * If I am a corporate executive, I will make sure my company is [[GreenAesop entirely environmentally-friendly]]. I don't need [[GaiasVengeance Mothra and/or Battra using my factories as target practice]], nor do I want to be up to my neck in [[MuckMonster Hedorah's]] [[HollywoodAcid sludge and smog]]. |
| 231 | * If I am a military commander, [[IgnoredExpert I will listen to my science teams]]. Ignoring their advice tends to be how things go FromBadToWorse. |
| 232 | * If I am a military commander or government official, I will not use [[NukeEm nukes]] or another [[FantasticNuke equivalent]], except as an extreme last resort, and only then if my scientists tell me it should work. At best, it'll be a NoSell, and at worst, [[FromBadToWorse will just make the kaiju stronger.]] |
| 233 | * If I am a scientist, [[GeneticEngineeringIsTheNewNuke I will not fiddle with kaiju DNA]]. |
| 234 | ** If I am a scientist and I see a colleague fiddling with kaiju DNA, I will stop them ASAP and report their secret experiments before it creates another monster or has any disastrous side effects. |
| 235 | * I will never withhold information from my allies, nor will I disregard anything they say. PoorCommunicationKills in these stories. |
| 236 | ** That's not to say I should believe everything I'm told, or share critical or highly sensitive information with just anyone. Use judgement here. |
| 237 | * If I find myself on a (seemingly) uninhabited [[IsleOfGiantHorrors island]], I will assume it has at least one resident kaiju. |
| 238 | * I will take the time to learn about the different kaiju in my setting, their temperaments, and what they are each capable of. Being well-informed in this regard could save my life. |
| 239 | * The first response to a new or unknown kaiju will be to observe it from a safe distance and ''not provoke it under any circumstances''. If it stays calm and docile, do not attack it and let it go about its business, but be sure to track its movements from then on. If it acts aggressively, especially unprovoked, respond with all necessary force to kill or deter it. |
| 240 | * If I am a scientist, I will create and maintain a tracking and early warning system for all known kaiju, and make sure it is accurate and works. In a world with giant monsters, knowing where each is, where it's going, and how fast it's going to get there is of the upmost importance. |
| 241 | * If there is a baby kaiju or egg, I will not assume it's orphaned or otherwise unguarded unless I have both the parents' corpses to prove otherwise. Kaiju parents tend to be ''[[MamaBear highly]]'' ''[[PapaWolf protective]]'' of their offspring, and will frequently chase down and kill anyone who they see as harming their children. |
| 242 | ** If the baby is aggressive, I will kill it immediately. Plenty of aggressive kaiju are only vulnerable as newborns. |
| 243 | ** If the baby is non-aggressive or imprints on me, I will care for it as best I can and treat it kindly, until either he or she is full-grown and able to be released into the wild, or until surrogate parents of his or her own species can be found. This could wind up [[AndroclesLion giving humanity another protector]]. |
| 244 | * On the note about the parents' corpses- I will ''never'' assume a kaiju is dead until the corpse starts decaying. To behave otherwise is to find out that the kaiju in question was either sleeping or NotQuiteDead. |
| 245 | ** I will also make sure to dispose of remains properly, especially if they're radioactive or toxic. Not even a scale or scrap of bone should be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. |
| 246 | * Attempting to forcibly control kaiju, through mind control, bait or food, mimicking vocalizations, holding it's offspring captive, etc., will ''always'' backfire and end in my demise via LaserGuidedKarma or TheDogBitesBack. |
| 247 | * If there is a child running around with a strange device or item that could even potentially be magical, I will stop them and find out what's up as it might be very important. |
| 248 | * [[OOCIsSeriousBusiness If a normally benevolent or neutral kaiju turns around and starts attacking humans]] for no reason, I will immediately get to the bottom of what's going on and why they're doing this, instead of jumping to conclusions and ordering a kill strike. |
| 249 | ** Option one: It's an impostor masquerading as the kaiju, some other kind of FalseFlagOperation, or a diversion to get me to chase the wrong monster. |
| 250 | ** Option two: Something else is going on here- someone might have done something to anger the kaiju, and it's lashing out in response. |
| 251 | * In event of an attack: |
| 252 | ** I will evacuate if possible, or shelter-in-place in a secure location if not. If I am a city or government official, I will invest in and construct a system of designated and purpose-designed underground shelters in all major cities. |
| 253 | ** Reading up on the evacuation procedures for natural disasters like hurricanes and adapting them to fit the situation is probably a good idea. |
| 254 | ** HumongousMecha are usually the best and most effective option for fighting kaiju, assuming this is a work with no [[BenevolentMonsters benevolent kaiju]] to [[TakesOneToKillOne offer an assist]]. |
| 255 | ** If there is a benevolent kaiju around, I will get to safe distance and watch the fight. (Cheering the protector kaiju on is optional). |
| 256 | ** I will use ''Film/{{Cloverfield}}'' as a [[TooDumbToLive what-not-to-do guide]]. I will not reenter the city if I've left, I will not wander around, and I will not approach the kaiju or any ProportionatelyPonderousParasites. |
| 257 | [[AC: For benevolent or neutral kaiju]] |
| 258 | * Avoid cities. They're full of tiny humans, who will not take kindly to crushed buildings and people. |
| 259 | ** However, this is waived if an antagonist kaiju is currently destroying the city, and the results of my fighting and killing him or her are less destructive than letting him or her rampage unopposed. If I successfully defeat them and protect the humans, I can look forward to getting some extra popularity points. |
| 260 | * That teardrop-shaped thing with fins on one end is a nuclear bomb. I will avoid being struck by one or being caught in the blast radius at all costs, as there's a good chance it will mutate me horribly and make me aggressive towards humanity. |
| 261 | * The best place for me to set up a territory is the oceans, or a convenient uninhabited island. |
| 262 | ** However, given these are [[IsleOfGiantHorrors hot real estate for kaiju]], I may be forced to cohabitate with at least one other kaiju. In this case, I will be cordial and respectful to them, especially if they were there first. They don't need to share their territory with me. This could also wind up getting me someone to fight alongside with, if we wind up hitting it off. |
| 263 | * If a human ignores the first rule in this list and approaches me, I will move away, especially if I'm radioactive or otherwise dangerous by my mere presence. If the human continues to approach me, I will leave the area immediately and take pains to make sure I'm not followed back to my territory/cave/trench/temple/island/den/what have you. Chances are, that was an attempt to capture or kill me. |
| 264 | ** If the human is one of a group, and if this group is wearing uniforms, carrying nets, or packing weapons, ''especially'' anything that looks like it fires a laser or beam, I will turn tail and not look back. |
| 265 | ** On the other hand, if the human approaches me alone, is a small child or teenager, and/or is acting calm, respectful, or reverential, or follows the rules for approach at the top of this folder, ''and'' I'm not dangerous by my presence, I will move slowly and carefully so as not to accidentally crush them. If they try to touch me, pet me, etc., they will be allowed to do so. This is probably an attempt to thank me for protecting them, especially if it happens after I've just won a BehemothBattle. |
| 266 | [[AC: For antagonist kaiju]] |
| 267 | * [[PragmaticVillainy If possible]], I will behave like a benevolent example of my kind at first, to lower the humans' defenses. That way, when I start my attack, they'll be caught off-guard, and even potentially become distracted by going on a wild-goose chase for the cause of my seeming HeelFaceTurn. |
| 268 | * If I cannot stand humans enough to do this, then I will be cautious about engaging in combat with HumongousMecha or benevolent kaiju- they're the few things that stand a chance of harming me. |
| 269 | [[/folder]] |
| 270 | |
| 271 | |
| 272 | |
| 273 | [[folder:Martial arts]] |
| 274 | * If I must choose, I will take a page out of Creator/BruceLee's book and practice a few kicks and punches thousands of times rather than a thousand kicks and punches a few times. But if I have the opportunity, I will do ''both''. |
| 275 | * If I find out that [[Series/CobraKai my old rival is opening up a dojo,]] I will not open up a competing dojo in response. Instead, I will address his motivations, let him go about his business, and wait until he's in the right frame of mind to ask if he needs any additional support. |
| 276 | * If my old rival asks me why I've decided to open up a dojo, I will not brush him off. Instead, I will suggest he let me be for a few days and get back to me after. He might actually be able to help me with the logistics that I'm going to encounter. |
| 277 | * If I have advanced through a tournament and my opponent has scored a point off me to tie up the match, I will not engage in any TrashTalk whatsoever. He might counter by pressing my BerserkButton, which will probably get me sufficiently angry to cause illegal contact. |
| 278 | [[/folder]] |
| 279 | |
| 280 | |
| 281 | |
| 282 | [[folder:Mystery]] |
| 283 | [[AC: For Investigators And Private Detectives]] |
| 284 | * If I am the PrivateDetective, I should always assume there's more than meets the eye to my client (''especially'' the FemmeFatale) until proven otherwise. They may very well be behind some of what's going on... |
| 285 | * If I believe I am in danger because I have information important to the investigation, I will call the police and tell them over the phone. I will not insist on waiting for them to arrive. |
| 286 | ** But ''absolutely'' not from a [[DisconnectedByDeath phone booth]]. |
| 287 | ** [[HaveYouToldAnyoneElse Then I will call everyone else I can think of and tell them the vital information as well.]] |
| 288 | ** And I will make several copies and records of the information I have, hide some of them in secure locations and mail the others out. |
| 289 | ** And I will certainly not go to confront the culprit, alone, without having delivered any helpful information to anybody else. Even if all I witnessed was jaywalking, it's probably [[MinorCrimeRevealsMajorPlot key to a vast mystery involving arson and murder]] that the perp won't hesitate to kill over. |
| 290 | ** If someone asks me whether I've told anyone else what I've discovered, I'll tell them yes. I'll also immediately consider them to be the prime suspect. |
| 291 | ** If Character A mentions that Character B has been acting oddly or been strangely forgetful lately, I will immediately assume that either Character B is being impersonated or Character A is trying to deflect attention. |
| 292 | * If I am a detective and am interviewing the first suspect I will assume he is innocent. |
| 293 | ** Unless he happens to be the accomplice. Then he will be murdered in a gruesome manner. |
| 294 | ** If there is something suspicious about the first suspect he is just covering up an adulterous affair. The first suspect is ''never'' the murderer, except when they are. |
| 295 | ** Rather, the one I start tracking leads on will be the wacky bit character I met at the beginning of the episode. Even if he's ''unrelated to the case and supposedly several hundred miles away'', it's [[Franchise/ScoobyDoo almost always him]]. If nothing else, he's involved somehow. |
| 296 | * If one of the suspects is a [[BeautyEqualsGoodness beautiful maiden]] I will assume right away that she is innocent. |
| 297 | ** However if it was a professional job, it is not unknown for a [[LadyOfWar hired killer]] to be a beautiful woman. If I suspect this, I will assume she is the most formidable killer I have ever met. |
| 298 | * If one of the suspects is an old and ugly guy with an unpleasant disposition, chances are, he is the murderer. |
| 299 | * If I am a KidDetective and my mother is acting odd, she's either pregnant or planning a surprise party, so I won't waste my time when there are real mysteries I could be investigating. |
| 300 | * I will ignore the biggest and most blatantly JerkAss member of the group of suspects. [[RedHerring He is innocent anyway]]. |
| 301 | * I will learn some kind of unarmed combat and always carry a canister of pepper spray with me. |
| 302 | * [[Series/PrettyLittleLiars I will not take matters into my own hands simply because one method of sleuthing doesn't work.]] |
| 303 | * If a Person of Interest has uncannily pale eyes, I will instantly be on guard. |
| 304 | * If I am nearing retirement, enforced or natural, I will accept it gracefully rather than attempt to [[Series/TheShield delay the inevitable just for the sake of my status]]. |
| 305 | ** On the other hand, before I sign the paperwork at my new employer, I will make damn sure this contract clearly states exactly what position I will be taking. |
| 306 | |
| 307 | [[AC: For The Suspects]] |
| 308 | * Before blackmailing a murderer, I will keep in mind that this person has killed his way out of a previous problem. |
| 309 | * If I hear [[MysteryMagnet Jessica Fletcher]] is going to visit town, I will leave before she arrives. |
| 310 | ** Likewise, if I find myself invited to any function at a country manor in a time-locked inter-war Britain, I will politely decline; ''someone'' there is going to [[DoubleEntendre be found murdered by the maid]]. |
| 311 | ** The same applies to Jane Marple, Hercule Poirot, Adrian Monk, and, well, any famous amateur detective. |
| 312 | * Before doing something that could be incriminating, I will consider the chance it is a trap. |
| 313 | ** If I hear the police are going to search the area where I might have left some evidence, I will weigh the risks of them finding it against the risks they've already found it and are trying to induce me into looking for it. |
| 314 | ** If I have killed somebody and hidden the body, then it looks like the person is still alive, I will not check whether the body is still there. There's nothing to be gained, and it would probably just lead the police to the body. |
| 315 | * If I am asked questions which imply that I may have killed a loved one, and I didn't, I will suppress my natural indignation as best I can and remain courteous and [[BeAsUnhelpfulAsPossible helpful]], including owning up to any [[MurderTheHypotenuse affairs]] I may have been having. The cops ''have'' to ask these questions and the smoother the investigation goes, the sooner they will realize my innocence. Being a {{Jerkass}} will drastically increase my chances of being AcquittedTooLate. |
| 316 | ** If I ''did'' do it, I will still try to seem helpful (too much deflection and obfuscation just makes me look guilty) and find someone to frame. I should have done this ''before'' the murder, but better late than never. |
| 317 | *** Unless I'm being interrogated by {{Series/Columbo}} or ''Series/TheCloser''. Then I'll refuse to answer even the most innocuous questions and make absolutely positively sure to have two or more lawyers in there at the same time. I especially won't say anything to the effect of, "If I did do it, you'll never prove it." |
| 318 | ** If this is real life (or the closest thing to it), I ''will'' (at the very least) complain that I'm insulted anyone would suspect me of such crimes while firmly denying all charges, since police typically know to expect innocent people to get angry when they're accused of crimes they didn't commit. |
| 319 | * If I am being chased by the killer, I will ''not'' run into any unfamiliar alleyways. Nine times out of ten it's a dead end, and the one time it isn't the killer will be waiting at the other end. I am not [[Series/BuffyTheVampireSlayer Buffy Summers]]. |
| 320 | * During interrogation, I will invoke my right to silence and and my right to a attorney regardless of my innocence/guilt. |
| 321 | * If I should happen to see or hear anything about that [[Series/TheCloser scatterbrained blonde peach]], it's time to skedaddle. Dames like those don't say, "just one more thing"; they lull you into making a slip, ''then'' they drop the mask. |
| 322 | * If I get a letter asking me to meet someone in secret at an oddly specific time, I will ''never'', '''ever''' do what it says, no matter who I think sent it or how justifiable their desire for privacy is. If I do go to the meeting, I will tell someone about it beforehand and make certain to arrive just slightly early or late: the trap will still probably be fatal, but doing those things might throw a SpannerInTheWorks of my killer's plan. I will also ask the letter's purported author if he or she really wrote it. |
| 323 | * Especially not during an interrogation, I will not talk about my testicles. That's just [[GroinAttack putting a bull's-eye and a neon sign with arrows on the penis.]] |
| 324 | |
| 325 | [[AC: For The Culprit]] |
| 326 | * When I arrive in a city and begin setting up my plans for crime, I will first check the Yellow Pages for [[Literature/TheDresdenFiles "Wizards"]]. If I find ''any'', I will call them and act like a potential customer. If they are legit, I will find a new city. Not only will their presence be a detriment to my plans, but the [[WeirdnessMagnet strange occurrences that follow them everywhere]]--of which WalkingTechbane is only the mildest--are likely to turn out as bad for me as they do for them. Not worth the risk. |
| 327 | * I will never dress up as a [[BedsheetGhost ghost]] or monster -- especially if it's a bunch of kids and their pet, [[YouMeddlingKids it's going to end badly.]] |
| 328 | * I will ''especially'' never [[ScoobyDooHoax dress as a ghost or monster to scare people away from my illegal profiting scheme]]; I'd make better progress by running the operation from a police station's parking lot. I'm already breaking the law, so when it comes to dealing with meddling kids, a shovel and some quicklime is far more effective than rubber masks and white bedsheets will ever be. |
| 329 | ** If the meddling kids in question are accompanied not by a Great Dane with a speech impediment but instead [[WesternAnimation/TheVentureBros a knife-wielding, 7ft. tall Swedish murder machine]], it may already be too late. Nevertheless, I will ''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere run my fool ass off]]'' and pray he doesn't give chase. |
| 330 | * If I hear a famous [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbo professional]] or [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jessica_Fletcher amateur]] detective is vacationing in my area, I will put off my crime until ''after'' they leave. It doesn't matter if they are so far out of their jurisdiction they're in another country; the local police ''will'' ask them to help out, and the detective ''will'' solve the case. |
| 331 | ** Hell, if I am planning on going somewhere to commit a crime, I will check out the clean up rate of the local Police and if there are any PrivateDetective, AmateurSleuth or LittleOldLadyInvestigates in the area, and within a 100 mile radius, just to make sure, otherwise I will be unmasked as the culprit, and my perfect plan will be undone. I will also make sure that my intended victim is not a friend or relation of any of the above. |
| 332 | * If I have committed a serious crime, and the detective says "Just one more thing", I will hold him to that. |
| 333 | ** Unless I have encountered an [[LittleOldLadyInvestigates inquisitive old lady]], in which case I will ignore the police (who will be incompetent) and focus on evading her. |
| 334 | *** And if said little old lady was dumb enough to confront me alone and with no witnesses (and I'm absolutely certain she told no one else where she was going), [[MurderIsTheBestSolution I will just add her to my body count]] instead of admitting defeat and turning myself in to the police. This will apply to any investigator dumb enough to make those same mistakes. Of course, I will only resort to measures that drastic if my previous crime would warrant a life sentence or the death penalty anyway, but simply tying up the old bint, shoving her in a supply closet, and making a run for it is only what, an extra two to five? |
| 335 | ** If I go with that, I'd better damn well make sure to ''double-knot'' it. LockingMacGyverInTheStoreCupboard + NeverMessWithGranny = a recipe for disaster. |
| 336 | * I will complicate the case as much as possible! As such the first victim will ''always'' be a blind with the real intended victim being someone who I convinced to jokingly claim he knows who did it so that when he dies I won't be a suspect since I was the one who planned the joke and thus wouldn't need to silence him. |
| 337 | * If the cops have identified the one witness to my crime (while I was in disguise) and they have his room well-protected, I will hightail it out of there right away, rather than try to gain entry through other disguises to liquidate him. They ''will'' notice a pattern if he gets enough "visitors." |
| 338 | * If possible I will be the President of the U.S. (with a body double to provide an alibi while I perform the murder in a mask), a dog or a cat. All three could pull off a murder easily! |
| 339 | * When preparing for a heist, I will not get a facelift. Not only is it painful and time-consuming, chances are, [[ConfrontingYourImposter the person I'm imitating]] will be the one to deliver the final blow to my game. In both senses of the term. |
| 340 | * I will never target anyone wearing jeans and sneakers / running shoes. Similarly, stiletto heels can be downright lethal on the wrong feet. |
| 341 | * I will wear padded interiors and solid exteriors around my face, throat, joints, and genitalia during the attack. (Including steel-toed boots.) That way, if my target decides to fight back and go for one of these areas, (1) I'll be able to recover before she has the chance to get away; or (2) she'll be damaged instead and I'll be able to capitalize on it. |
| 342 | |
| 343 | [[AC: For The Victim]] |
| 344 | * If I am a man of wealth and good standing who receives death threats at the start of the story, chances have it my murder is going to be the focus of the plot. Oh well. However, to make things easier for the detective, as soon as I receive such threats I will give all my serving staff an enforced and immediate holiday, so they are not on the grounds when I am murdered in my armchair. Since [[TheButlerDidIt they are everyone's first suspect]], the hero can save a lot of time at the start if he knows that it wasn't any of them. |
| 345 | ** And if one of them is my murderer-to-be, it should be a darn sight easier to catch them. |
| 346 | *** I will keep in mind the possibility that the killer has already rigged something in my mansion to kill me without actually needing to be on the grounds, however. |
| 347 | ** I will leave not just one, but multiple notes detailing who (I think) my killer will be and why. [[HisNameIs I will make sure to mention his/her name constantly throughout said notes]], as well as reveal any dangerous secrets pertaining to my work, friends, and family. These notes will be written in pen, not pencil--the latter is too easy to erase. |
| 348 | ** If I live in the 21st century or a world parallel to it, I will leave the aforementioned notes on several external drives to forbid my killer from destroying all the evidence I have against him/her. I will add no password to those notes, or I will add a password simple enough for people investigating my death to figure it out in a few minutes. |
| 349 | ** If I live in 19th century or a world parallel to it, I will leave those notes in two or three baggage lockers on a railway station, and leave keys to them clearly labeled and in a visible place. |
| 350 | ** I will consider taking public transportation for the foreseeable future when I need to leave the house. Dealing with public transport is a small price to pay for avoiding [[CarBomb bombs]] or [[VehicularSabotage cut brake lines]]. |
| 351 | ** No matter what, if someone confronts me with a weapon and tells me to come with them, I will resist. There's a better chance of getting out alive if I do so than if I go with them. |
| 352 | * If I am young, innocent, pretty and appearing only in this story, I can be fairly sure I will be kidnapped by the murderer in the climax so that the hero can have his AlwaysSaveTheGirl moment. Bearing that in mind, I will learn how to pick locks, untie ropes without seeing them and open shackles with hairpins. I will always have hairpins. I will also apply for self-defense course and keep a pepper spray on me. |
| 353 | ** If I am gagged, attempts to call for help are more likely to annoy the killer than bring anyone friendly, so I will not do it. |
| 354 | ** I will take psychology classes so that when captured, I will avoid StockholmSyndrome. Instead, I will try to make the villain succumb to LimaSyndrome. |
| 355 | * If I am a {{Jerkass}}, chances are, I will be a [[AssholeVictim victim]] in this story. I will recognize my jerkassery and attempt to fix it before I am killed by the nicest member of the cast. Even if this doesn't help me, at least people will have more incentive to find out who my killer is, and he'll be easier to find if there are fewer suspects than "everyone who knows me". |
| 356 | * I will ''not'' enter dark alleys, abandoned warehouses, woodland or other similarly ominous places without a friend I am absolutely sure is not a killer. Even then, I'll insist they walk ten paces in front while I keep a hand near my gun. Gotta watch out for those damn {{Jump Scare}}s, y'know. |
| 357 | * If I intend to hitchhike, I will always look around a car before I enter it. If I see suspicious brown or red stains, or the driver smiling in unsettling way, I will politely decline a ride and move away. |
| 358 | ** I will never hitchhike out of sight of other people. |
| 359 | ** In fact, I'll just never hitchhike, period. If the shoe's on the other foot, I also won't pick up hitchhikers, either. And if the hitchhiker looks anything like [[Film/TheHitcher Rutger Hauer]], [[CarFu I'll throw the car into third and just run his ass over then and there]]. |
| 360 | ** If he looks like [[Series/TheHitchhiker Page Fletcher]], though, I just might go for it. Nobody ever picks that poor guy up, and he's one hell of a good raconteur. |
| 361 | * I will wear brightly-colored (preferably luminescent) clothes so that if I'm killed, my body will be easier to find. |
| 362 | * If I am considering visiting or moving to somewhere in [[Series/MidsomerMurders rural Britain]], a place in Scandinavia that is surrounded by pine forests and sea, [[Series/MurderSheWrote a quaint New England town]], [[Series/DeathInParadise a small Caribbean island]], or anywhere that sounds too idyllic to be true, I might want to check out the murder rate, and decide I’m better off going somewhere else, otherwise I will be dead by the time the opening credits start. However, if I do go, and I am murdered, at least I know that the detectives will catch my killer, since they have a 100% clear up rate. |
| 363 | [[/folder]] |
| 364 | |
| 365 | |
| 366 | [[folder:Reality Shows]] |
| 367 | [[AC: General Rules]] |
| 368 | * While I won't let on that I have, I will make sure to study as many seasons past as possible. Invariably, one or more patterns will emerge. |
| 369 | * ''Absolutely nothing'' before reason; not [[RevengeBeforeReason revenge]], not [[HonorBeforeReason honor]], and definitely not merit. |
| 370 | * I will not treat it as a springboard to fame; more often than not, it is the quickest way to have the doors bolted shut and the keys thrown away. |
| 371 | * I will never discourage a quitter. One more hurdle cleared. |
| 372 | ** Nor will I quit for any reason below a medical emergency. Quitters are ''usually'' frowned upon at a reunion. |
| 373 | |
| 374 | [[AC: Series/{{Survivor}}]] |
| 375 | * I will not talk to anyone. Ever. |
| 376 | ** "The tribe has spoken." |
| 377 | * Due to the tendency of the producers to bring back former contestants for a second chance, I will study the most recent seasons and look for potential returnees. |
| 378 | ** I will specifically look at contestants who finished in second place or received a CreatorsPet edit, as they tend to have the highest chance of being brought back. I won't even bother to look at former winners. |
| 379 | *** ''Especially'' if one of those former winners is Sandra Diaz-Twine? Get ready to be destroyed in front of the jury! |
| 380 | ** Once I reach the island, I will quickly look at the number of people of each gender. If there are six males and nine females, it's safe to assume that there will be three male returnees. |
| 381 | * If everyone starts on the same beach before being divided into tribes, I will not take the leadership role. This goes double if there are an odd number of people. |
| 382 | * '''I will not assume the tribes are merged until Jeff Probst says that they are.''' |
| 383 | * I will not attempt to create an alliance. Instead, I will wait until someone else asks me to be part of one. |
| 384 | * I will not look for the hidden immunity idol without a clue to its location, unless I absolutely need it. |
| 385 | * If I do end up with the hidden immunity idol in my possession, I will tell everyone that I have it, and that I will give it to my ally, person B. This would cause the other alliance to target my ''other'' ally, person C, as a safeguard against the idol, only for their votes to be negated when I give the idol to person C. |
| 386 | * If I am the last remaining person from my alliance, I will recognize the possibility of me being a swing vote, and play as if I were one. |
| 387 | * I will not attempt to cause a 3-3-3 tie with nine people on my tribe. I'll be voted out 4-3-2 if I try, so I won't even consider it. |
| 388 | * I will not change my vote at the revote after a post-merge tie. I am not John Cochran. |
| 389 | ** '''Especially''' if my own tribe has treated me like shit. That gives me leverage to go with whichever side wins the rock draw. |
| 390 | ** Which is why the best way to avoid a Cochran Flip is not to make a ButtMonkey out of him. He probably won't be thinking straight when we need him to. |
| 391 | * If I win the first post-merge immunity challenge with the two tribes at equal numbers, I will pretend to flip to the other tribe. I will then give my immunity up to their intended target. One of two things will happen: either the other tribe all votes me, it's a 5-5 tie, and I'm immune to the rock-drawing tiebreaker, or the other tribe doesn't all vote together and one of them goes home 5-4-1. |
| 392 | * The purpose of the game is ''not'' to eliminate the competition. The purpose of the game is to defeat the person(s) sitting next to you at Final Tribal Council. Besides getting to the end, I will need to consider: |
| 393 | ** which opponent(s) should face the jury with me (this is of total importance); |
| 394 | ** who is actually going to be on the jury (how I treat its members is also critical); |
| 395 | ** how to get us ''all'' there without losing the votes I already have. The less dangerous my chosen goat thinks I am, the better my chances of getting to the end and beating him for the big bucks. |
| 396 | * Once we make it to the merge, the village nutjob becomes the perfect goat for the jury. I will not view this player as a "goat threat"; taking out this player in a blindside will effectively force me out into the open and hinder my chances of a rebound. Rather, ''until I am fully satisfied'' with the price I am going to pay, I will work to protect this player at any and all cost; what's good for the goose is good for the gander. |
| 397 | * Lastly, if my plans fail and I do end up on the jury, I will choose my own criteria for voting. I am on the jury and therefore have no obligation to those standing in my judgement. |
| 398 | ** The only rule by which the jury is bound is: "Vote for the player ''you want to win."'' Ignore the last four words of this rule and woe betide you. |
| 399 | ** If I am campaigning for a particular finalist to win, I will take my cues by [[Characters/SurvivorSamoa Erik Cardona]] and not [[Characters/SurvivorCagayan Spencer Bledsoe]]. The rest of the jury does not have to put aside anything, either. |
| 400 | * Whatever Russell Hantz did, I will ''not.'' I will attempt to model my game on [[Characters/SurvivorSamoa Natalie White]] instead. |
| 401 | ** For tribal relations, I will model my game on the [[Characters/SurvivorPalau Koror]]. Too risky to take the [[Characters/SurvivorCookIslands Aitu]] approach. |
| 402 | ** For alliances, I will take (most of) my cues from the [[Characters/SurvivorMicronesia Black Widow Brigade]] rather than the [[Characters/SurvivorVanuatu bowheads]]. And preferably try to win immunity against the one remaining straggler. |
| 403 | * If I am likely to receive votes at Tribal Council, I will vote for the person besides me who is most likely to receive the most votes. Even if that person is an ally or someone useful for my game, the most important short-term objective is surviving to the next round. |
| 404 | * Whenever we are told we can protect one member of the opposing tribe, whether through voice vote or ballot vote, it will be Whomever They Indicate They Are Going To Get Rid Of. Without exception. A chain of deals has a nasty habit of failing at crucial times. |
| 405 | * If I have made it to the final three by winning a bunch of immunity challenges in succession, including the most recent so that I am the one deciding who gets voted off, and the other two contestants are somebody that everybody, including myself, hates or at least dislikes, and somebody that everybody loves, I will not choose to vote off the person I hate, since doing so will make my opponent in the finals somebody whom the jury is more likely to vote for instead of me. This particularly applies if, before my immunity streak, I only just barely avoided being voted off because of a double tie. |
| 406 | |
| 407 | [[AC: Series/AmericasNextTopModel]] |
| 408 | * No matter how insignificant it is to the field into which I am trying to break, I am not [[TooGoodForThisSinfulEarth too cool for any task]]. |
| 409 | * RageAgainstTheMentor is a great big fat no-no. |
| 410 | * If I were on ''Survivor,'' personality would be of great importance; here, it takes a backseat to something called a high-fashion look (good job, [[Characters/AmericasNextTopModelCycleFifteen Ann]]). |
| 411 | |
| 412 | [[AC:Series/TheBachelor[=/=]ette]] |
| 413 | # No matter how badly I dread the activity, I will never, ever, ''ever'' raise any sort of a stink on the site of a group date. ''Nothing'' will turn the Bachelor off me faster than being a wet blanket. |
| 414 | ** In fact, I will never raise a stink about anything within his earshot. As soon as he gets a whiff of my true colors, I'm as good as dog toast. |
| 415 | # With two dozen or so other broads in the house on the first night, it's far too soon for anything beyond the superficial, let alone an "amazing connection." |
| 416 | ** For this very reason, I will get in as early as possible to score my shot at the Bachelor. One, we all want a piece of the guy. Two, it's going to help my chances at getting a rose. And three, you can bet the other girls aren't going to give you a sporting chance, either. |
| 417 | # Teasing or insulting the other girls is for when the guy is on his next date and I'm not. They're not the ones holding the roses. |
| 418 | # Just as shooting is not too good for any enemy of the EvilOverlord, SkinnyDipping is ''not'' too good for the Bachelor. Rest assured, the other girls ''aren't'' above using ''their'' birthday suits as weapons, either. |
| 419 | # If the other girls attempt to rat me out, I will work overtime to smooth things out with him. After all, you want that last rose, right? |
| 420 | # I will tell only little white lies about my background. When the time comes to visit the other girls' locations, he's going to find out stuff. |
| 421 | ** Similarly, the Bachelor has his own closet full of skeletons. If you expect him to be [[IncorruptiblePurePureness squeaky-clean]], you're going to be in for a very rude awakening. |
| 422 | # No boozing, ever. If I can grab some water instead, I will. ''In vino veritas.'' |
| 423 | # The "free spirit" is just comic relief. She's no threat to my progress. |
| 424 | # I will remain true to my real-world profession after the season. Especially if I am in the legal field, I will never quit my real-world job in the midst of an important case or event just for the sake of something called True Love. One, the track record of previous headliners speaks for itself. Two, the public probably will never associate me with anything else. And three, my job might not be waiting for me when I get back. |
| 425 | |
| 426 | [[AC: If I become the Bachelor(ette):]] |
| 427 | # Patience is a virtue. True love does not happen overnight, or even within the span of a single season. It worked for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. |
| 428 | # Under absolutely zero circumstances will I take a dig at the previous Bachelor(ette) in any promotional material. Not only is it being a poor sport, it's sinking to his / her level. And probably not good PR, either. |
| 429 | # If her real world career is that important to her, I will support my chosen debutante every step of the way, no matter what. There is, however, ''nothing'' wrong with being a model or special correspondent for the sake of her pet causes. |
| 430 | # ''Series/DancingWithTheStars?'' ''Not'' the best way to test the love interest, although it ''is'' useful to capitalize on the extremely short shelf life of your time in the public eye. |
| 431 | |
| 432 | [[AC: Series/HellsKitchen]] |
| 433 | * I will not talk back to Chef Ramsay under ''any'' circumstances. Same goes for the sous chef or maî·tre-d'. |
| 434 | ** Additionally, I will always tell the truth. Even if it gets me thrown off the show, being honest about my shortcomings will go much more smoothly than attempting to lie about my abilities. |
| 435 | * I will recognize that I am attempting to win a position at a fancy restaurant whose reputation hinges on my leadership and management skills, and not just a cash prize or just to be the best. If at any point I doubt my ability to do that, I will defer to a more competent contestant if possible. |
| 436 | * I will make friends and forge relationships, since good teamwork is necessary in the kitchen. |
| 437 | * I will remember I am on television, that every move I make is televised, and my actions affect the perception of restaurants across the country. If I don't win, I will still make an effort to look skilled and competent, and never do anything that makes me look stupid or like an asshole (essentially, don't be Joseph). |
| 438 | * I will pay attention to my cooking at all times, taste and inspect my food to make sure its done right, and if I'm running the pass inspect everything with a fine-toothed comb to find the intentional mistakes the sous chefs throw up. |
| 439 | * I will not interfere with another's cooking under any circumstances unless they're thrown off the station by the chef and need to be replaced. It's not like I'll get in trouble for their mistakes. |
| 440 | * I will stay fully focused on the task at hand, be it the challenge or the service, and not do anything that could be considered a celebratory remark or an attempt at humor until the chef orders the kitchen switched off. |
| 441 | * I will not get drunk, no exceptions. |
| 442 | ** If the reward involves wine-tasting, I will either not swallow any wine, request an alternative (if I'm a black jacket) or even just elect to stay with the losers and help out with punishment. It might suck, but I'm also guaranteed to be on my A-game for service that night. |
| 443 | * During punishment, I will shut up and get to work helping the team, no exceptions, no matter how much it sucks. |
| 444 | * I will not use prepackaged ingredients, no exceptions. |
| 445 | * I will go to bed as early as possible, to ensure I'm well-rested when Chef Ramsay sends up the hellishly loud wake-up call the next morning. |
| 446 | * I will stop myself at the first sign of being a bitch, no matter my gender. That will just cause my teammates to bulls-eye me during elimination throughout the season. |
| 447 | ** When telling Chef Ramsay who's up for nomination, I will just give the names and reason, no more, no less. |
| 448 | ** Also, I will not automatically assume I'm safe just because I'm not up. Even if I'm on that night's winning team. |
| 449 | * I will stay out of any and all drama and just focus on keeping the kitchen running, and communicating to teammates. The drama kings and queens will all get caber-tossed off the show anyway. |
| 450 | * Finally, when picking my team for the final, I will keep in mind the reason each person was eliminated and delegate them to tasks where they will deal the least damage. |
| 451 | |
| 452 | [[AC: Other]] |
| 453 | * I will not utter the phrase "ImNotHereToMakeFriends" as it will ensure I will lose. Just to be safe, I won't even say it while quoting someone else. |
| 454 | ** The [[Series/AmericasNextTopModel cycle (19)]], so to speak, was broken. |
| 455 | * I will take into account the desires of those who control the elimination process: |
| 456 | ** If the elimination process is decided solely by the shows' writers, I will be the biggest drama-creating JerkAss possible to ensure good ratings. When it looks like my schtick is wearing thin, I'll have a quick change of heart ready to avoid elimination. |
| 457 | ** If elimination is decided by an expert in the field of competition (e.g. Gordon Ramsay), I will do my utmost to hone my technique in that field, paying particular attention to any advice given by that particular expert. And I will ''absolutely not'' mouth off to said expert. |
| 458 | ** If elimination is decided by my peers, I will be the blandest, most boring NiceGuy you've ever seen. I will avoid any and all backstabbing and say nothing but nice things about people. This way, at the end of the season when it's me versus the MagnificentBastard, everyone will vote for me just to spite him. |
| 459 | ** If elimination is decided by popular vote, I will try to create some sort of catchphrase or meme so that America latches on to me. |
| 460 | * I will remember that in some cases, TheRunnerUpTakesItAll, therefore I will focus less on winning and more on being marketable. |
| 461 | * If I am on a reality show which has been known to have mental challenges, I will take detailed notes on everything that has happened on the show whenever it's feasible to do so. Chances are there will be an open-notes pop quiz later. |
| 462 | * If I am going on a show with physical challenges, I will learn to swim. |
| 463 | * If I am going on a show where outdoor survival skills may be important, I will find an older edition of the ''Boy Scout Handbook'' and practice all the techniques shown therein for at least six months prior to appearing on the show. |
| 464 | * I will learn how to read a map. It's a good skill to have in general. |
| 465 | * I will make sure to watch previous seasons of the show, so as to recognise any or all of the following: reused challenges; commonly used 'twists' or surprises; what the host or judges like; things that got previous contestants eliminated; skills or tasks I should probably practice before going on; whether I'm actually good enough to be on the show in the first place; mistakes commonly made by other contestants, etc. |
| 466 | * If there is even the smallest chance that I may have to drive a car on the show, I will learn how to operate a manual transmission. |
| 467 | * ''Series/SecretTalentsOfTheStars'': the ultimate research failure. I will devote at least two years to the concept. And I will not have it scheduled in a suicide time slot for anything. |
| 468 | ** And if even the casual viewer knows your "secret" talent, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H6GwxcMyxZc it really isn't a secret]]. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gds5UVy1kUk Right, Mya]]? |
| 469 | * No matter how much I think I'm the favorite to win the challenge/round/entire season/whatever, I will not brag about it until it's over. The guy who brags about their advantage, imagined or real, always ends up screwing themselves over with their hubris and/or complacency. Then the editors inevitably show as much of their bragging as they can possibly fit into the show's time slot, making them look like an even bigger idiot. |
| 470 | * If I ended up getting nominated into ''Series/CanadasWorstDriver'' or any other bad driving show, I will take the driving lessons seriously and attempt to learn further while the show is not taping so that I can graduate early and not ended up making a fool of myself in front of the viewers all over the country. |
| 471 | * Competing for a contract to host my own show? Penny Davidi is ''the'' textbook example of exactly how to ''not'' do things. |
| 472 | [[/folder]] |
| 473 | |
| 474 | |
| 475 | [[folder:Romance]] |
| 476 | * I will take any dares suggested to me, ''especially'' if they are of a romantic or sexual nature. |
| 477 | * I will never lie to, rape, or cheat on someone. One relationship at a time. |
| 478 | * If I am a protagonist, I will find the person who gives me the best sex and assume that they're my LoveInterest. Besides, it's likely that the only person the author will allow me to have sex with will be the other protagonist. |
| 479 | * When wooing my lover, cheesy and cliche is the way to go--unless that way would [[ShrinkingViolet embarrass her.]] |
| 480 | ** Handcrafted goods or family heirlooms also work very well. |
| 481 | ** Throughout the whole novel, I will incorporate as many RomanceNovelTropes as I can. |
| 482 | ** In particular, I will try to engineer a CrashIntoHello and BeautifulAllAlong moment--those tropes basically ensure my place as the LoveInterest. |
| 483 | * If I am neither extremely plain nor extremely beautiful, I am probably a side character. |
| 484 | * If a side character, I will learn to recognize protagonists and relentlessly [[ShipperOnDeck ship]] the main couple. |
| 485 | ** I will also cultivate a comedic side, ensuring that I will get more lines. Keeping a banana peel on my person is also a good idea in case I ever need to quickly pull off an oh-so-endearing pratfall; if they turn this into a movie, that'll get me in the trailer for sure. |
| 486 | ** If the above stratagems fail, I will be a caring shoulder for my female BFF to cry on. (Because if I'm in the story at all, she's definitely female--none of the lead male's friends get any screentime.) I will never ever suggest that she's being whiny or insensitive, or that her love for the male protagonist is anything less than ''[=OMGtruewuvforever.=]'' |
| 487 | ** If the author offers me a PairTheSpares situation, I will take it. It'll ensure that I get a happy ending. |
| 488 | * If I am the lead female's [[ChildhoodFriendRomance supportive best friend who's had a crush on her since childhood]], and she mentions meeting a new, attractive man, [[UnluckyChildhoodFriend I will save myself time]] and give up right now. |
| 489 | * Note that the pratfall advice mentioned above works equally well if I'm the Romantic Lead, male or female. Being such, the only character flaws I'm legally allowed to have are either charmingly mild clumsiness or a charmingly harried workaholic personality, and a quick slip, trip or cranial impact with a low clearance is not only better for cheap giggles but it also frees up more time to pursue my One True Love. |
| 490 | * If I see a girl being assaulted or intimidated, [[RescueRomance I will ALWAYS intervene]], [[IntimateHealing even if that would get me beaten up]]. |
| 491 | * I will study the cultural norms and religious leanings of whatever country my book is published in. Then I will play up to said norms to establish my place as the LoveInterest. |
| 492 | * I will not be the [[AlphaBitch catty, bitchy girl who constantly throws herself at the male protagonist]]. That never turns out well, and is usually punished by the author. |
| 493 | * I will be open to trying any fetishes that come up in the story, but I will be strictly SafeSaneAndConsensual. People who aren't the latter have a way [[FaceHeelTurn of becoming villains]]. |
| 494 | * I will not take drugs or be an alcoholic: if I do, I will try to kick the habit quickly. Smoking may be attractive or disgusting, depending on the image I'm trying to cultivate, but if the LoveInterest asks me to quit, I will. |
| 495 | * I will take the words of matchmakers and fortune-tellers as gospel truth. |
| 496 | * I will explain to my LoveInterest the nature of any close female relationships I have (ex-wife, sister, coworker...) early in the story. This will prevent any [[NotWhatItLooksLike misunderstandings]] later on. |
| 497 | * If I find myself attracted to a brooding, darkly handsome rebel that all my friends tell me is bad news, I will assume that I'm the exception to his love of solitude, and that [[ICanChangeMyBeloved I can change him]]. Seriously, this has a high rate of success in romance novels. |
| 498 | * I will realise that being a [[LightFeminineAndDarkFeminine 'light feminine']], if I am one, does not have to equal 'generic, boring GirlNextDoor.' |
| 499 | * If a handsome stranger tells me that he's some kind of supernatural creature and that I am his destined mate, I will believe him. |
| 500 | * If my LoveInterest breaks into my house to watch me sleep, I will not freak out and/or press charges, but instead take it as a grand romantic gesture and fall deeper in love with him. |
| 501 | ** If I ''am'' the LoveInterest, I will not allow any moral aversion or fear of legal consequences prevent me from doing so. It's only considered stalking in fiction when an unattractive person does it, and if I'm the romantic lead, c'mon; that's ''obviously'' not gonna be an issue. |
| 502 | * If I possess some rare, exotic trait (like wings, oddly-colored hair, or demonic ancestry), I will make certain to [[AllOfTheOtherReindeer angst]] about it to my LoveInterest, thus invoking a [[ButYourWingsAreBeautiful tearful, ego-building comfort scene]] and speeding up the plot. |
| 503 | * Regarding all of the above: while some authors overlook how disturbing some of the LoveInterest's behavior can be, others ''don't''. As such, unless I am ''one hundred percent sure'' the story is written by the former type, I will steer clear of doing the above things. Yes, I may lose out on the romance, but better that than to guess and guess wrong. |
| 504 | [[/folder]] |
| 505 | |
| 506 | |
| 507 | [[folder:Science Fiction]] |
| 508 | [[AC:General]] |
| 509 | * AppliedPhlebotinum can adapt anything that exists in Fantasy into Science Fiction. Ergo, the rules under Fantasy will also be adapted. |
| 510 | ** I will remain flexible about how I adhere to those rules, however, as science-fiction writers don't always adapt those tropes exactly; they often change something about how they work to add flavor and/or "make it more original/science-y". |
| 511 | * My means of tracking people on my starship or space station will not rely on badges, wristbands, communicators, or any other device that can be jammed, removed, or swapped. |
| 512 | * The same will extend to implants, cybernetics, or body parts that can be cut off or mutilated to avoid being tracked. |
| 513 | * If my plan is to kill somebody by having them ThrownOutTheAirlock, I will not stand there gloating and laughing at his [[TooDumbToLive stupidity]] long enough for his TrueCompanions to come around the corner behind me and shoot me in the back. I will seal him in and hit the button to blow the outer hatch immediately, then start running like hell. |
| 514 | ** The writer might throw a curveball and [[SurprisinglyRealisticOutcome have the airlock depressurize slowly]] to give the good guys time to save their friend, or else have another ship waiting outside to scoop him up [[BigDamnHeroes just as he's about to die in space]]. I'll throw a primed frag grenade or ten in with the victim before sealing him in, just to be sure. |
| 515 | * I will have a layer of lead added to the ship's hull and corridor bulkheads, and then have the hull's interior further modified to turn the inside of the ship into a Faraday cage. Enemy ships we run across should ''not'' be able to scan the inside of my ship and know exactly where all our people, cargo, supplies, and critical systems are located. |
| 516 | * If I'm a doctor, scientist or military researcher and think one of my colleagues might be unhinged based on the absurdity or inherent danger of his proposals, I'll make a point of ''not'' telling him that to his face, encourage my other associates to do the same, and send anonymous tips to both our benefactors and to the proper investigative authorities. [[TheyCalledMeMad Mockery and dismissal of these guys has a way of coming back to bite you hard in the ass]]. Note that if I'm in a horror story, this advice is equally sound. |
| 517 | * Even if the cultural standards are against it, I will be the [[MoralityChain best friend and confidant]] of the token RidiculouslyHumanRobot, SpaceshipGirl, {{Hologram}}, or ArtificialHuman. |
| 518 | ** If this character develops a crush on me, I will handle the relationship delicately and make sure they understand what they're experiencing as much as I possibly can. |
| 519 | ** If this character starts muttering through clinched teeth or speaking in CreepyMonotone, I will ''immediately'' employ whatever means we arranged ahead of time to stop them from turning on us as per the RidiculouslyHumanRobot [[JustForFun/HowToGuideOtherCharacters rules]]. |
| 520 | * Nobody on the bridge of any vessel under my command will be allowed to [[TemptingFate make any casual comments on any current or future situation we find ourselves in]]. If it's important for me to know or predict what might be happening, I will ask the guy monitoring the sensors to read back whatever it says on his screen and silently draw the conclusions myself. Everybody else, SHUT UP. |
| 521 | * [[BrainComputerInterface I will never put a computer in my head.]] If will always lead to body-jacking at best and total brain liquification at worst. |
| 522 | * If I find myself on a desert planet, I will tread arrhythmically, feel for tremors, and keep an eye out for dust clouds. Furthermore, I will stay in rocky areas as much as possible, and not go out onto the dunes unless I have no other option. This will reduce the risk of a [[SandWorm large burrowing predator]] attacking me. |
| 523 | * If I am an alien, I will not come to Earth naked. That is just asking for me to [[Literature/WarOfTheWorlds die from the common cold]] and/or [[Film/{{Signs}} be melted by water]]. Or worse, gain human suitors. |
| 524 | |
| 525 | [[AC: Star Trek]] |
| 526 | * The obvious one: I will be a main character and not a RedShirt. If I am some low-ranking officer, I will try to get a job in which I interact with the main characters on a regular basis, such as being the guy who operates the transporter or being that nurse who is always helping the Chief Medical Officer. However, I will not have a big role in my debut episode as that is more likely to set me up as a SacrificialLion. |
| 527 | ** Alternatively, I will [[WesternAnimation/StarTrekLowerDecks make friends with a group of other]] [[BunnyEarsLawyer zany but competent ensigns]]. I will get covered in slime more than I am comfortable with, but I will live. |
| 528 | * During starship dogfights, I will stay away from the [[ExplosiveInstrumentation instrument panels]]. I will also install seat belts into my chair. |
| 529 | ** Better yet, I will make sure that all the control panels have their own internal batteries and wireless connections to the ship's computer, ensuring that they won't spontaneously explode every time something hits the ship. |
| 530 | * I will obey TheCaptain over all higher-ranking Starfleet officers. The latter will always turn out to be yet another InsaneAdmiral. |
| 531 | * I will do lots of research on the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries. I'll end up time-traveling back then sooner or later and I don't want to [[FishOutOfTemporalWater look like an idiot]] when I get there. |
| 532 | ** I will buy lots of historical atlases as well. |
| 533 | ** If I must send an away team to 21st-century Earth, I will make sure that I send an away team of all humans. The 21st-century human we get to help us WILL notice my Vulcan friend isn't human and WILL turn belligerent on us at a critical moment. |
| 534 | * Whenever using the holodeck, I will bring a phaser with me in case the safety protocols malfunction [[OhNoNotAgain again]]. If all the main characters are having some kind of holodeck adventure together, I will just stay away. |
| 535 | ** Better yet, I just won't use the holodeck ever. If I'm bored I'll ask someone over to play chess or something. |
| 536 | ** If all the main characters go on a holodeck adventure together, I will take the initiative to get somebody from engineering to camp out in the Jeffries tubes with an EMP bomb, next to the power conduit running to the holodeck. In the meantime, I will set up camp outside the holodeck door with security personnel, medical personnel, plenty of breaching charges, and a cutting torch. We can repair the ship after the crisis is averted. |
| 537 | *** If anything, the above plan may earn me recommendations from the captain and bridge crew, further helping my chances of getting promoted and being assigned to my own ship. Where I can have my engineering crew find and squash all those little bugs and glitches that crop up around the ship BEFORE they end up threatening somebody's life. |
| 538 | * If I'm the captain of a ship, I won't hang around Earth when there are no other starships there, especially not if my ship is called "the ''Enterprise''". |
| 539 | ** On the other hand, I will avoid any duty involving a flotilla, squadron, etc. consisting of multiple ships. [[TheWorfEffect They tend to get wiped out in the first act to show how powerful]] the NegativeSpaceWedgie is. |
| 540 | * If a lot of weird things (more than usual) happen on the ship/station/planet/whatever that I am currently on, especially if on a weekly basis, I will immediately conclude that this area is the setting of the series. I will request a transfer immediately, to avoid the danger. The longer that I am there, the higher the risk of my death. |
| 541 | ** If, after the transfer, I still encounter strange events, then I will conclude that I am a main character that the plot can't stay away from. At that point, nothing can kill me, so I am free to do as I wish. |
| 542 | *** Unless the actor portraying me quits the show. In which case, I should have some plan to transfer my consciousness to another physical form, similarly to how the Doctor does it in ''Series/DoctorWho''. If I am a joined Trill, or a Vulcan with a katra, this is easy. Otherwise, I will create a robot or a hologram or something to continue to exist as me after the actor quits. However, I shall never show what this new form looks like to anyone, in order to allow for flexible casting choices. Also note that the above is only likely to happen at the end of each year, when there always seems to be a bigger-than-usual problem for no reason, at the same time every year. |
| 543 | * If a character tells me that the timeline has been altered, I will instantly believe them. |
| 544 | ** If multiple main characters die, I will assume that the timeline has been altered, or else it needs to be altered. |
| 545 | * I will keep a log of all important events using pen and paper. Computer data can easily be deleted or lost. |
| 546 | ** Similarly, I will back up all of my computer files often. |
| 547 | ** Alternatively, I will print out paper copies of important computer files and store them in a folder in my desk. |
| 548 | * If I am the Captain, I will, during all First Contact missions, whatever the circumstances, order my tactical weapons officer to keep a weapons lock on the other ship. I will need it more often than not. |
| 549 | ** On a similar note, I will have transporters and internal sensors locked on ambassadors and envoys coming aboard my ship at all times. |
| 550 | ** As their presence on my ship should be purely diplomatic, all weapons and equipment will be checked in and confiscated during their visit. Sensors will be calibrated to scan for anything that does not match that species' normal physiology, and the transporter room door will remain locked and sealed with a forcefield until every discrepancy has been accounted for. I'll not have my ship crippled by somebody smuggling in an explosive thumbnail. |
| 551 | ** Once we're past the transporter room checkpoint, they will be restricted from doing anything more technical than order a plate of food from the mess hall replicators without a security escort (the ones in the guest quarters will be kept offline for "maintenance"). |
| 552 | ** If one of them breaks away from the group and starts trying to pull panels and bulkheads to tamper with ship's systems, he will find those panels and bulkheads to be bolted shut and sealed with forcefields and blast-resistant alloys...right before he is automatically transported to the brig, and any tools and equipment he was using are confiscated by security. |
| 553 | * If the Captain ever asks me how long it would take to get something done, I will always respond by telling him/her a time limit that is far more than is actually necessary. I can expect him/her to ask me to do the job in less than half the time that I give him/her. |
| 554 | * If I ever visit the MirrorUniverse, then my primary goal is to get home alive. No matter what moral dilemmas I have to deal with. If I can easily impersonate someone with a position of power (likely to be my counterpart), then I will kill those who are directly below me. If not, I will kill the person in charge. |
| 555 | * If someone tells me that something is possessing my mind and changing the way that I think, I will believe them. Assuming I haven't been altered enough to forget this. |
| 556 | * If I am not human, I will do everything within my power to make sure that my species allies themselves with humans, befriends them, and stays on good terms with them. If this is impossible, then I will assume that we are the "bad guys" and I will immediately pull a HeelFaceTurn and defect to the humans. They seem to always win in the long run. |
| 557 | * I will make sure that at any given time, there is at least one transporter that works. We will need it to beam a crew member back from a situation that they got stuck in. Or, occasionally, to beam a dangerous substance off of the ship. |
| 558 | ** If the ship's transporters all go offline, I will remember that the shuttles have their own transporters and use them instead. |
| 559 | * I will listen to my doctor's advice. Always. |
| 560 | * If I insist on playing the role of an antagonist, and I am given a chance to kidnap or severely injure a member of a Starfleet ship, I will NOT target someone who works on the bridge, the chief engineer, or the chief medical officer. They will be able to get out of it. Target someone else. |
| 561 | ** If, however, I am given the opportunity to kill one of them, I WILL target one of the aforementioned people, to show that I pose a threat. Killing a RedShirt just makes the main character retaliate. |
| 562 | * If an alien culture has a gimmick that I dislike, I will ignore it and not call them out on it, no matter how strange or morally wrong it may seem to me. |
| 563 | ** Unless I am asked to participate, in which case I will ask my doctor whether or not it is safe. And I will follow his advice. |
| 564 | * If I encounter a pre-warp civilization, and somehow end up stuck on the planet, I can ignore the [[AlienNonInterferenceClause Prime Directive]] and tell people who I am. I would break it eventually anyways, so I may as well get it out there. |
| 565 | ** Considering how the Prime Directive only applies to Starfleet, I would make sure I become a ship's captain without joining Starfleet so that I can interfere with other planets to my heart's content. I would also point out to Picard and Worf that only Starfleet members are bound to the Prime Directive and ask them to attain confirmation from Data and once they have they would be duty bound to abandon the planet I'm interfering with leaving me to my own devices. |
| 566 | *** Criminals trying to RulesLawyer diplomatic immunity using the Prime Directive is a MAJOR BerserkButton for Starfleet, and Starfleet officers (even non-captains) are encouraged by Starfleet Command to [[ScrewTheRulesImDoingWhatsRight bend or outright ignore Starfleet regulations to make you stop what you're doing, even if it means attacking and/or killing you.]] If the Federation takes any disciplinary action at all, it'll seldom be more than a slap on the wrist. With that in mind, I will form an illicit trade business instead and sell salvage from the wreckage of other independent captains' ships after the Federation ship they tried to parlay with warps off with the witless toad in its brig for trying this plan. The Federation likes granting neutrals with illicit trades favors and witness protection in exchange for being an occasional snitch. |
| 567 | * When preparing for an away mission, the first thing to do is to get a lifeform, even something as simple as a single-cell organism, and then beam it down and back up again, to make sure that there's nothing wrong with how the transporter would function with organic life in this environment. If it doesn't work, and we decide to use a shuttlecraft instead, I will refuse to go on the mission. Something WILL go wrong. |
| 568 | ** In fact, it's probably best to avoid away missions anyways. |
| 569 | * The ideal test of a replicator or transporter system is to replicate or transport a sealed glass container of distilled water, and then use a tricorder to inspect the chemical composition of the water and the glass. If the tricorder picks up anything other than water and glass, the replicator/transporter is not safe to use, and therefore offline. |
| 570 | ** I will not test a replicator I've just been working on by replicating a hot cup of coffee, then drinking it. |
| 571 | * I will invent code words for my senior staff to use whenever we have reason to believe that we are being monitored. Especially if someone has been captured and can't openly say "I've been captured"; duress words have been around for centuries for a good reason. |
| 572 | * I will not trust people with secrets. Even if they wouldn't say anything to anyone, that information may still be taken from their brain against their will. |
| 573 | * If someone is acting suspicious, they are likely to be TheMole, especially if they are a close friend of mine. |
| 574 | * I will routinely say "Computer, end program." to make sure that I am not in a holodeck and being deceived. Especially just before telling someone confidential information. It will also be the first thing I say in the morning upon waking. |
| 575 | * If the adventures of my crew stop, and then start up again years later, with the same exact people, then I will conclude that we are making TheMovie of the series now. In such an event, I will keep track of how many adventures we've had. [[StarTrekMovieCurse If it's an odd number, I will expect nothing to make sense]]. This is normal and is not a reason to panic. |
| 576 | * The weapons lockers on my ship will be stocked with kinetic weapons in addition to phasers. Most boarding parties we encounter will not expect my RedShirts to come packing [=AKs=] and 12-gauges. Anyone who complains about kinetic weapons being "barbaric" will be required to submit a dissertation to me cataloging the number of times a Starfleet crew's been massacred because of their over-reliance on phasers for defense against hostile forces with phaser-proof personal DeflectorShields. |
| 577 | ** Speaking of those RedShirts, my ship's security detail will be a combination of flesh-and-blood officers and holographic personnel. The flesh-and-blood RedShirts will be issued combat armor and personal shields, and trained in a variety of self-preservation combat techniques such as evasion and use of cover. The holographic RedShirts will be a mixture of holograms projected by the ship's emitters and holograms on mobile emitters with built-in shields and frequency jammers. And yes, the point below about artificial lifeforms will apply to them as well. |
| 578 | ** I will also remember that certain features on my ship, such as forcefields and environmental controls, can in fact be used against intruders inside the corridors of my ship. Thus, I will weaponize those functions if my ship is ever boarded; instead of sending a RedShirt team to deal with the intruders, I will simply use ship's holoemitters to send holographic, high-velocity bullet trains through the corridors. Or replace the directional decals on the bulkheads so that the bad guys end up walking into a cargo bay filled with armored security escorts with riot shields and shotguns instead of the ship's bridge. |
| 579 | ** I will give everyone who come aboard my ship a complementary gas mask. They will be instructed to put on the gas mask the moment we go to Red Alert, and not to remove them until I give the all-clear. This is a precautionary measure; if we get boarded, and the transporters go offline, any parts of the ship with intruders in it are getting gassed. |
| 580 | *** If at all possible, I will have all crew member's uniforms be comfortable space suits, with about an hour worth of air in them, which the crew will be instructed to grab and wear (along with nearby helmets) during red alerts until the all clear. This way I can not only make use of the aforementioned gassing tactic, I will be able to teleport or otherwise pick up crew that thrown into space, ensuring that casualties due to hull breaches are kept to a bare minimum. I will also have a self destruct of some kind built into each uniform that the crewman can activate with a push of a button, to prevent capture by the enemy. |
| 581 | * I will not take my ship alone into enemy territory. If I can't get a solid fleet to accompany me, I will ask for reassignment. |
| 582 | ** I will not set my flight path to pass through any dense gas clouds or nebulae while in enemy territory. |
| 583 | ** If the admiral contacting me with the assignment is Kathryn Janeway, I will ''demand'' fleet support or reassignment, or else resign my Starfleet commission altogether. She has a reputation for giving orders and assignments that end very, very badly for the people that follow them. Case and point: [[Film/StarTrekNemesis Jean-Luc Picard's "purely diplomatic assignment" to Romulus.]] |
| 584 | * I will not confine high-threat individuals in my ship's brig. They always get back out one way or another, and usually proceed to be an even greater threat to the ship and its crew. Instead, I will have them beamed into one of the ship's escape pods. And then I will launch the pod. And then I will lock weapons and shoot the pod. Or I'll just beam them straight into space without wasting the escape pod. |
| 585 | ** And for the sake of any other individuals under arrest, I will install actual physical access doors on the brig cells instead of relying purely on power-dependent barriers. What's harder than getting through a force field? Getting through a force field ''and'' three inches of reinforced duranium. |
| 586 | ** And while I'm at it, I will add some capacitors to the brig's EPS relays if they don't already have them. Who wants prisoners running loose the second main power goes down? |
| 587 | * I will have artificial life forms fitted with kill switches and failsafes against foreign transmissions specifically targeting them. If the ship's computer detects those transmissions, it will be programmed to beam the affected android(/hologram, assuming it's on a mobile emitter) off the ship IMMEDIATELY. They can survive being in space long enough for my Chief Engineer to figure out what happened to them and whether it's safe to beam them back and turn them back on. |
| 588 | * I shall identify, befriend, and exploit the CreatorsPet for his PlotArmor and other CanonSue qualities no matter how annoying and TooDumbToLive he is. (In fact, his repeatedly surviving in spite of being TooDumbToLive is one way of identifying him.) This is the guy I want standing in front of me on a planet whenever the phasers and disruptors are blazing. However, I will studiously avoid being on any team assignment with him that involves exploring any as-yet unknown phenomenon or civilization, as his bumbling is sure to get his teammates killed. |
| 589 | * In the event that I am a RedShirt and my duties absolutely require being on away missions, I shall always insist on working solely with the highest-ranking Vulcan officer on the ship, or the nearest equivalent. Say what TheMcCoy will about his personality, TheSpock has a much better track record for bringing underlings back from dangerous away missions alive and (mostly) intact. |
| 590 | * If I find myself in an encounter [[ToBeLawfulOrGood in which being morally good conflicts with following Starfleet regulations]], I will identify the option that's only there as an excuse for the [[WriterOnBoard 21st-Century clod writing the episode to shoehorn in hack social commentary]] and ignore it instead of [[IdiotPlot spend the entire episode agonizing over which option to choose.]] Being competent and decisive is a great way to become an EnsembleDarkhorse with PlotArmor in this universe, so if I'm wrong, I'll get the opportunity to do something awesome later to make up for it. |
| 591 | * If I'm a changeling officer, I will wear real boots instead of shape-shifting my feet. There will come a time when I will need to regenerate, but won't have access to my bucket. The boots will be my backup. |
| 592 | * If I have the authority to do so, I will retrofit every shuttle with aerodynamic control surfaces tied to a power system completely independent from the one operating the engines. That way, when I'm losing engine control I'll still retain a level of attitude control and I can ensure that I can maximize the glide time / minimize the vertical impact velocity of my crash landing. |
| 593 | ** I'm also installing landing gears, or at least landing skids and a drag parachute. If 21st century spaceplanes can land horizontally, a 22nd/23rd/24th/25th century shuttle has no excuse not to. |
| 594 | ** On a related note, my ships and shuttles will have seat belts, preferably four or five point variants. There's nothing more embarrassing than guiding a shuttle down to a planet at survivable speeds then dying of a head injury that could have been prevented by technology invented centuries before. |
| 595 | * I will invest in designing a space suit that can be worn for a week and isn't uncomfortable to wear. Then I'll design a life support pack that can actually keep the occupant of said space suit alive for a week in vacuum, and can be attached to the suit in a matter of seconds. These will be stowed under the seats and in easily accessible wall lockers in the rear compartment. The space suit will be the required uniform for shuttle missions - with the helmet off for low-risk and the helmet on for high-risk missions. Yellow and red alert protocols will include attaching the helmet and a life support pack. |
| 596 | ** The space suit will be stab-proof and bulletproof, in case the shuttle crashlands on a planet with hostile primitives. If the technology allows it, it will also have a level of ablative armor. |
| 597 | ** 24th century material science should certainly make a stab-proof and bulletproof yet breathable material possible. Even if it goes against Starfleet regulations, this material will be the standard material of any undershirts and underpants worn by my crew. |
| 598 | * If my transporter system goes down but I still need to transport someone, I will remember that my ship or station has a number of auxiliary craft and some of them have independent transporters. |
| 599 | * I will remember that since I'm on a starship, areas only have as much gravity as I want them to be. Therefore, I will evaluate where 1G would cause more hazards than convenience. To wit: |
| 600 | ** Turbolifts have their own inertial dampeners, therefore they generate their own internal gravity. This gives me no good reason to generate gravity in turbolift shafts. It'd be a shame to lose valuable members of the crew to a turbolift plummeting "down" a shaft in case of power loss. |
| 601 | *** Speaking of turbolifts, an escape hatch that can't be reached by people in the turbolift is of limited use. Escape hatches on my ship will be offset to be reachable from a wall that will have a ladder built into it. |
| 602 | ** While WeWillUseManualLaborInTheFuture is in effect in the cargo bays, the benefits of having a full G in there are outweighed by the dangers posed by heavy containers on tall shelves. Therefore, gravity in cargo bays will be set to 0.1G. I don't want to lose a valuable officer to a falling crate. |
| 603 | ** The same goes for shuttle bays |
| 604 | * Hardhats were invented in the 19th century. Modern material science must have improved their effectiveness since then. [[NoOSHACompliance OSHA might have relaxed its standards in the last few centuries]], but that is no reason for me to drop them, therefore hardhats will be mandatory in the engine room and cargo bays. Yes, even for main characters. (If your skull is duranium, you might be excepted.) |
| 605 | * I don't care what the orbital scans say, you're beaming down to the unexplored planet or to the damaged ship in an EVA suit until you bring back atmospheric samples and we know for sure that it's safe. |
| 606 | * Unknown samples will be beamed back separately. We don't need another Tuvix incident. |
| 607 | |
| 608 | [[AC:Star Wars]] |
| 609 | * I will make sure my superlaser does not have a blatantly obvious weak spot. |
| 610 | ** I will make sure that all plans for the superlaser are in a very secure vault that only me and my most trusted comrades can access. |
| 611 | *** Even if this does make it awkward for the people trying to physically build the thing. |
| 612 | * In fact, forget the superlaser. Ten or twelve independently-operated, reasonably-sized but still big laser battlestations can do the same job without any of those pesky centralized, singular weak points that seem to keep biting us villains in the ass over and over. |
| 613 | ** If I build [[Film/TheRiseOfSkywalker a fleet of superweapons]], or [[Film/ThePhantomMenace an army of droids]], I shall not give my enemies an easy way to destroy them all by [[IdiotBall shooting a single ship down]]. |
| 614 | * If I am a Sith, [[Film/ReturnOfTheJedi I shall keep an eye]] [[Film/TheLastJedi on my apprentice at all times.]] |
| 615 | * I will not [[Film/ANewHope repeat the mistakes]] [[Film/TheForceAwakens of the Empire.]] |
| 616 | * This one's straight off the EvilOverlordList, but it bears repeating, because we're the ones that [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy named the trope for this]]. I will teach my Mooks to take stationary positions behind cover, use the sight to aim their blaster weapons straight at their target, ''and then'' fire. |
| 617 | * Related to the previous point, I will train my Mooks to never fire on anyone wielding a lightsaber with any conventional blaster firearm. Unless you have [[MoreDakka slugthrowers]], grenades, and/or other non-conventional weapons that can't be deflected back at you, leave the area and call it in. |
| 618 | ** If a second person holding a lightsaber shows up, ''clear the area, even if you do have those weapons.'' Once the lightsaber duel starts, anything and everything around those two people that isn't nailed down becomes a potential Force projectile, and anybody trying to muscle in on the fight becomes a priority target. |
| 619 | * I will not put bumbling Gungans whose only character trait is being a LethalKlutz in positions of power. |
| 620 | * If there is an army that happens to be available for a war that wasn't happening when the army was made, I will trace the origins of said army and try to find out why it was built. Even if I can't, I will not trust them anyway. |
| 621 | * I will not ask Jedi to join me on the Dark Side. If they can be persuaded to [[FaceHeelTurn turn from one side of the Force to the other]], then they can be persuaded to [[HeelFaceTurn turn back the other way later]], [[HeroicSacrifice kill me at the cost of their own life]], [[RedemptionEqualsDeath and then die redeemed.]] |
| 622 | * I will instruct my apprentice to only consult with politicians on matters pertaining to ''politics.'' If they are having a personal dilemma in their life and having trouble resolving it with being a Jedi, the people to turn to are other Jedi that had those problems when they were his age and can thus offer the insight and practical advice my apprentice needs. [[Film/RevengeOfTheSith One of those Jedi, Master Yoda is not.]] |
| 623 | * If Master Yoda, I am, and come to me for advice on a personal dilemma, a young padawan or apprentice does, advise him, I shall not. If guidance he seeks, then refer him to a qualified therapist--or at least a Jedi with enough insight to give such answers--I will. His path to the Dark Side, my words may otherwise accelerate. |
| 624 | * I am not limited to one weapon at a time. Regardless of my midichlorian count and/or misgivings about any weapon type, I will carry a lightsaber or some kind of badass melee weapon, the blaster equivalent of an SMG (we'll almost never have fights over a long enough range for accuracy to be an issue), enough stickybombs to destroy the average enemy tank, and a reliable high-power slugthrower pistol as a backup weapon. |
| 625 | * I will remember that the Force gives me a wide variety of options (even with just MindOverMatter and not counting the manifold other abilities it gives me), and thus will not limit myself merely to leaping, pushing, and pulling. |
| 626 | |
| 627 | [[AC:Warhammer 40,000]] |
| 628 | * I will never join the guard below the rank of Colonel or Commissar; the lifespan of troopers in combat is measured in minutes. |
| 629 | * I will never pick up the glowing warp tainted object myself; even if I am on the side of Chaos, the effects of warp mutation are best delegated to minions. |
| 630 | * If I am a commander of a Force, Fleet, Warhost, WAGHGHGHG, Squad, battlegroup, etc., I will remember that, while {{last stand}}s and refusing to give ground make for good drama and striking character development, is better to do as the T'au commanders do. Ordering a [[TacticalWithdrawal retreat to destroy my foe at a later date]] [[PragmaticVillainy is often the most resource efficient]] [[PragmaticHero method of combat]]. After all, Troops, Ships, Daemons, Warboyz, Battlesuits, Space Marines, and [REDACTED] are expensive. |
| 631 | [[AC:Dune]] |
| 632 | * I will avoid Arrakis. Seriously, what with the harsh natural environment and all the political squabbles, it’s just not worth the trouble. |
| 633 | |
| 634 | [[AC:Battletech]] |
| 635 | * Body doubles never work. They get found out or they turn on you. Just ask Max Liao, Victor Steiner-Davion or Thomas Marik. |
| 636 | ** As a collorary, if someone I know starts acting oddly, I will have them examined. I don't care if he's the First Prince, I'm not putting my realm at risk of having a doppleganger at the helm. |
| 637 | * I will resist the temptation to bully a five-regiments strong group of mercenaries by holding the CO's family hostage. Instead, I will shower them with promises of money and titles to get them to do what I want, and if they still won't, trust that they know what they're doing. |
| 638 | * If I'm the protagonist and I'm the commander of a hotshot mercenary company with more PlotArmor than an ''Awesome'' or ''Atlas'', I will keep a timer on hand counting down to the sudden but enevitable betrayal my employers are going to pull on me. Not ''might'', but ''will''. |
| 639 | * If [=ComStar=] tells me something, and I'm a House Lord or other power figure, I'll get three independent witnesses to verify it. |
| 640 | * If I'm living in the Succession Wars, I will remember that my 'Mech or Vehicle is possibly centuries old and may well be held together by chicken wire, chewing gum and prayers. No, I won't skimp on regular maintenance. If I can't afford to maintain it properly, I'll sell it off to someone who can. None of this "family heirloom" pride causing me to get blown out of my ride because I decided that I could forego armor or an actuator assembly for a month. |
| 641 | * No falling in love with people outside my unit. These relationships usually end up with my being betrayed or the love interest dying at the moment of most dramatic impact. |
| 642 | [[/folder]] |
| 643 | |
| 644 | [[folder:Situational Comedy]] |
| 645 | * If I am unmarried and not part of a set of TrueCompanions, I will join one ASAP. Preferably one where everyone has a very distinct personality. |
| 646 | * I will never utter the words "Can't you see I'm busy?" to relatives or loved ones. Chances are that what they have to say is far more important. |
| 647 | * Family always has higher priority over work, even if it means I have to miss a chance for promotion. |
| 648 | * If I am a member of an Acceptable Target, I will act as unstereotypical as possible. |
| 649 | * If I have children, I will familiarize myself with the latest video games. Nothing says uncool like a parent who only knows how to play [[PacManFever Pac-Man]]. |
| 650 | * When I'm in an embarrassing (but not illegal) situation, I will tell the honest truth instead of [[SnowballLie covering it up]]. |
| 651 | * I will learn how to treat the DropInCharacter as a close friend. Yelling at him will never convince him to go away. |
| 652 | ** Unless it's once in a blue moon, I will not be a DropInCharacter. That's the fast track to either getting thrown out ([[Series/TheFreshPrinceOfBelAir perhaps literally]]) or getting a rap sheet. And probably both. |
| 653 | ** Alternatively, if a DropInCharacter is just ''that'' annoying and intrusive, I'll mosey on down to the hardware store, look for one of those crazy "lock" contraptions I keep hearing about, and maybe consider installing one on my front door. Yes, even if there is already one installed on it; the DropInCharacter may have acquired a key to it at some point offscreen. |
| 654 | * If a close friend is a MadScientist, I will not be anywhere near him when he performs his experiments, no matter how well-intentioned. |
| 655 | * When I am about to tell a friend/lover/relative something important, I will not allow said person to make a statement of their own first. Chances are that said statement is some {{glurge}}-ey emotional speech that will guilt me out of saying what I was about to say. |
| 656 | * I will ''not'', under any circumstances, cheat on my boyfriend/girlfriend if I am not sure I can get away with it. Getting found out usually results in my fellow TrueCompanions turning against me. And if I get caught I will take ''extra'' care to not try and justify my mistake by claiming that [[{{Series/Friends}} me and my boyfriend/girflriend were on a break.]] |
| 657 | * If I am on a camping trip and have lashed up some fancy contraption, I will understand the difference between a square knot, which will remain sturdy when pressure is applied, and a granny knot, which will come undone if tugged on lightly. Also, if I am male and camping with one or more females, [[MachoDisasterExpedition I will listen to them instead of going off on my own]], no matter how much it may hurt my pride. And for the love of God, ''I will know how to identify poison oak, poison sumac and poison ivy''. |
| 658 | [[/folder]] |
| 659 | |
| 660 | [[folder:Superhero]] |
| 661 | ''NOTE: This folder is for {{Innocent Bystander}}s and other civilians in superhero stories. For advice for actual superheroes, refer to JustForFun/IfIBecomeASuperhero.'' |
| 662 | |
| 663 | * If I am a character in a comic book, I will not become a scientist--particularly not to do with chemistry or biology. They all either become superheroes (Spider-Man, Mr. Fantastic, The Flash etc.), become supervillains (Doc Ock, The Lizard, Doctor Doom etc.) or get killed by the new supervillain as he trashes his lab (thereby showing the audience that he is dangerous). |
| 664 | ** To clarify--Spider-Man wasn't a scientist, but his superpowers were induced from a bite by an experimental radioactive spider. By this principle I will not even ''associate'' with scientists, and I will definitely not go to their expos. |
| 665 | * If I am an ordinary non-super-powered civilian in a superhero comic book or movie, and inadvertently happen to discover any superhero's secret identity, I will keep this discovery entirely to myself, and maybe even try to find some way to wipe it from my memory. Even assuming the superhero is not [[SociopathicHero an anti-heroic sociopath]] and has a [[ThouShaltNotKill personal moral code against killing]] me for [[HeKnowsTooMuch knowing too much]], the [[JerkassGods writers]] do not, and any attempts I make to exploit this discovery for fame and/or profit will surely end in death or [[FateWorseThanDeath worse]]. |
| 666 | * Speaking of superheroes, if I have no superpowers of my own, I shall in no event knowingly live in any building next to a known superhero ''or'' supervillain base. Both are preferred targets for every extraterrestrial invasion, interdimensional EldritchAbomination attack, and gratuitous [[HeroInsurance super-powered property-wrecking slugging match]] in the cosmos. In the event that I discover a nearby building is secretly such a base, I shall immediately put my own living space on the market before everyone else inevitably finds out the same thing. Those {{Conveniently Empty Building}}s around superheroes' and supervillains' bases are conveniently empty for a good reason. |
| 667 | * Superpowers derived from cosmic rays, SufficientlyAdvancedAlien technology, or unknown interdimensional phenomena are ''not'' meaningfully different from superpowers derived from genetic mutations, and any of my fellow citizens who thinks so is a poorly-written one-dimensional bigot created by a hack writer seeking an easy metaphor for racial, sexual, and other forms of discrimination. I shall avoid all such poorly-written characters and their FantasticRacism hate groups like the plague, as their lack of characterization makes them mindlessly and irredeemably evil, and means their schemes may well harm an InnocentBystander such as myself for ''[[KickTheDog no good reason at all]]''. |
| 668 | * In the event that I am a CEO or other high-status corporate executive, I shall not be a CorruptCorporateExecutive in any world that has people with superpowers. In the event that my company's factories produce pollution, superheroes with a strong affinity for the environment will ''not'' be persecuted for attempting to expose our pollution to media scrutiny, but will instead [[AdoptTheDog be hired to clean up our mess]] at any high wage or salary that is less than what government fines and conventional cleaning methods would cost. |
| 669 | * If I am a petty criminal, ideally I will stick to robbing houses while the occupants are out at dinner. If I can manage this, I will avoid taking ''anything'' that [[PowerGlows glows]]. If I absolutely must mug people, I will stick to [[MilesGloriosus huge overconfident guys]] and leave [[HeroicBuild triangular men]], [[MostCommonSuperpower well-endowed women]], and [[WakeUpGoToSchoolSaveTheWorld skinny teenagers in hoodies]] alone. |
| 670 | * If I'm working as security at any building (whether my boss is a legitimate businessman or a crime lord) and the local costumed crime fighter with a reputation for being [[ImmuneToBullets bulletproof]] or just [[DodgeTheBullet really good at dodging gunfire]] comes barging in for whatever reason, I will not bother pulling my gun on the [[TheCape Cape]] or [[TheCowl Cowl]] in question; as everyone in my world ought to know by now ([[ShootingSuperman but doesn't]]), [[GunsAreWorthless that never helps]]. If guns don't help, using melee weapons is also out of the question, as they will be no more effective. I and any personnel working for me will also not attempt to do battle with any super''villain'' known to be likewise invincible. In fact, if any kind of super is attacking, [[KnowWhenToFoldEm our policy will be to evacuate immediately]] and call for super-powered backup if any is available. |
| 671 | ** In the event that I am in a world where guns are effective, I will still keep in mind that I will only have enough ammo ''[[DramaPreservingHandicap as the plot demands.]]'' This means that, during a high-intensity firefight where everyone is shooting at everything and everyone else [[ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy but not hitting much of either at all]], everyone, including myself, is likely to have BottomlessMagazines with reloading being reserved for a few scenes where the studio [[{{Overcrank}} really wants to show off their high-framerate camera]] but this will only last until either the bad guys start outnumbering my posse or when the ''real'' BigBad shows up and starts cleaning house, at which points I will need to start counting my rounds because it is more likely than not that I will probably have OneBulletLeft in my gun. With this in mind, I will also make sure to hone my marksmanship skills anyways, so that when that moment comes, I can place my shot ''exactly'' where it is needed to resolve the situation without myself or any of my companions ending up dead. |
| 672 | * I will seek out a career as a paramedic or firefighter. While it will keep me incredibly busy with all the superheroes and supervillains running around blowing each other up, as a [[TheRealHeroes Real Hero]], I will be virtually immortal. I will not, however, become a police officer. Unless their last name is [[Franchise/{{Batman}} Gordon]], police officers in superhero media can only achieve Real Hero status [[RedShirt posthumously]] after proving the bad guy to be ImmuneToBullets. |
| 673 | * I will only join the military if I greatly dislike my family. This isn't a war drama, so as long as I put in twenty minutes of CharacterDevelopment per day I'll be perfectly safe. There's a strong chance of my gaining superpowers, though, in which case I'll be [[ComicBookDeath the world's most invincible class of being]], but they'll be doomed [[DeathByOriginStory one way]] or [[TargetedToHurtTheHero another]]. |
| 674 | * I will pay attention to the nerd wearing the horn-rimmed glasses. If he falls into a coma after a lab incident, then comes out of it stacked with muscle and not wearing those glasses, I will spend the next month or so on the other side of the continent. |
| 675 | [[/folder]] |
| 676 | |
| 677 | [[folder:Time Travel]] |
| 678 | * I will recognize that using time travel to solve my problem can be [[TimeyWimeyBall difficult and confusing]], and it tends to cause more problems than it solves... and that's assuming that [[YouAlreadyChangedThePast I actually can change anything at all]]. This means that before resorting to using time traveling to solve the problem, I will consider all my other options carefully, since sometimes they can also solve the problem without all the mess time traveling may cause. |
| 679 | ** However, if I'm fighting a villain that uses time traveling, then it is likely that using time travel to defeat him is my only option. |
| 680 | ** Similarly, if the problem I'm trying to solve is ''caused'' by unexplained and/or involuntary time traveling, then the only thing I can do is probably using time travel to SetRightWhatOnceWentWrong. |
| 681 | ** Generally, I will evaluate the situation and to expect and prepare accordingly. For example, if I'm trying to stop a [[ApocalypseHow cataclysm]], I should have a pretty high chance to succeed on the first try. If I'm trying to revert a smaller accident -- a car crash, for example -- it would be harder, but I'd still have a fair chance. Trying to save my LoveInterest is usually substantially more difficult, especially if I'm trying to save him/her from a cataclysm or car crash, but it is still possible. Trying to stop a war, however, is downright impossible and I will not even bother to try. |
| 682 | * If I happen to be stranded in another time and need to know when I am, I will not ask people WhatYearIsThis, as this will either make me look crazy or draw unwanted attention to me. Instead, I will use a newspaper. If there are no newspapers and I know I'm in the future, there will hopefully be replacements of some kind. If I happen to be in the past, I do at least know that the latest date I am at is the year 1605. |
| 683 | ** If I must ask, I will try to sound annoyed and comment on how I did this because of a lost bet or the like after getting my answer. |
| 684 | * I will do my homework and find out (if possible) how to dress in my destination time and dress accordingly. For example, clothes that are completely normal today can make a woman be mistaken for a prostitute 100 or more years ago. |
| 685 | ** I will not dress as nobility, unless I really want to pretend to be a member, as nobles tend to have limited freedom of movement and draw unwanted attention. In addition, it is pretty often forbidden to pretend to belong to the nobility if you are a 'normal' person. |
| 686 | * I will not assume locals will [[EternalEnglish understand me without problems.]] I will at least bring an interpreter with me who is fluent in Old English/Latin/etc. |
| 687 | * I will keep my electronic devices hidden, placing more effort on such an endeavor the further back in time I go so as to avoid dying in a BurnTheWitch incident. |
| 688 | ** I will ''never'' leave devices from the future behind, no matter how broken. They will be reverse-engineered. I will have altered the past. |
| 689 | ** If possible, I will avoid bringing them with me to begin with. |
| 690 | * I will be very aware of ValuesDissonance. As mentioned before, I will investigate my destination before leaving if possible and avoid standing out. Better not try to raise a slave revolt in ancient Rome or try to install a democracy in medieval Germany, it will just lead to more trouble then I want and most likely kill me. |
| 691 | * If I happen to be female and/or have any color skin besides white, I will not respond with shock and offense to insinuations that I'm in any way inferior to the male, white person speaking to me. Many stories that have this happen will take into account [[ValuesDissonance how women and non-whites displaying insubordinate attitudes were treated in the time and society I've traveled to]], and have the locals respond accordingly. I'm not going to risk being stoned to death or flayed alive [[WriterOnBoard just so the 21st-century hack writing the scene can preach to his audience that slavery and sexism are bad.]] |
| 692 | ** If I can, I'll recruit an older white man to accompany me that doesn't mind being passed off as my husband or master so the locals will leave me alone while we go about our business. If I can bring one back with me through time and [[Series/DoctorWho the Doctor]] isn't available as an option, a university professor with a Ph.D in Historical Anthropology is the ideal companion choice. |
| 693 | * I will refrain from altering the outcome of historic events. If, for example, I'm in 1893 in the small town of Braunau am Inn in Austria-Hungary and happen to run in a 4 years old boy with the name Adolph Schicklgruber, now known as UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler, I will leave him alone. In the best case [[HitlersTimeTravelExemptionAct he will be protected by time itself and strange things happen if I try to kill him]]. In the worst case, if I do succeed, I will travel back to your present and find out that the Holocaust and World War II never happened but made place for something far worse, leaving me in the rather awkward position of wishing Nazi Germany was ''back in place''. In addition there are the moral implications to consider, even if I ignore the aforementioned problems. In 1893, Adolf Hitler is an innocent child who hasn't hurt anybody (yet). Killing him would make me a child murderer, and besides, someone can't be punished for committing crimes which didn't happen (yet). |
| 694 | ** If I'm back in time and seriously intent on killing a young Hitler, then I'm already over the moral hangups of killing a child, no matter how innocent. On top of that, if I'm that ruthless, then odds are good I've also figured out a way to do the deed without being remembered in the history books (clauses like "killed by an unknown assailant" and "dead by unknown causes" come in very handy for would-be time assassins). |
| 695 | ** As evil as Adolf Hitler's actions may have been, they did bring the Great Depression to an end and inspire the formation of international organizations and trade agreements that shaped the present. If Hitler never rises to power and any one of those factors changes as a result, [[ButterflyOfDoom the ripple effect through time may alter conditions such that my current self in the new timeline can't or won't go back in time to kill Hitler to preserve that timeline.]] And even if it doesn't, my new current self will bump into my current current self on my way to kill Hitler to ''create'' his timeline and [[NeverTheSelvesShallMeet then we'll have bigger problems than Hitler to worry about]]. |
| 696 | ** Finally, the [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal preceding pileup of paradoxical probabilities]] will set off alarms with the TimePolice or any time-traveling heroes, at least one of whom will be waiting at my destination to stop me. And they will be in any other place I try to travel to with the intention of altering major historical events. |
| 697 | ** Moreover, I will also bear in mind that Hitler was not the ''only'' circumstance which led to the Second World War. If I wish to ''truly'' prevent the war, I will also have to prevent the rise of the Nazi party in general, ensure the success of the Weimar Republic, and (somehow) educate an entire generation of people (who have yet to experience the negative consequences of them) on the evils of racism and nationalist jingoism, while also preventing the German people from falling into depression and bitterness over being unfairly blamed for the ''First'' World War, or just ensure they are not unfairly blamed in the first place, meaning I have to somehow change the Treaty of Versailles. And that's just the work I would have to do in ''Germany.'' Suffice to say, I should probably write a [[GuideDangIt step-by-step walkthrough]] before stepping into my De Lorean. |
| 698 | * I will always assume that I don't have RippleEffectProofMemory, which means that I will take [[NoteToSelf detailed notes]] on all of my time travelling experiences, including what originally happened and what I have changed. At the very least, my tale will not become TheGreatestStoryNeverTold. |
| 699 | ** I will also realize that if my memory is not ripple-effect proof, my notes probably aren't either. If the time machine has a compartment that is explicitly stated to be a PlaceBeyondTime, I'll keep my notes there. |
| 700 | [[/folder]] |
| 701 | |
| 702 | [[folder:Transformation]] |
| 703 | * I will avoid the following known catalysts for bizarre transformations and/or magical powers if I want to stay a normal human: |
| 704 | ** Crossdressing. It may become permanent. Not that the costume will be unremovable, but it will turn you into a girl. |
| 705 | *** On a similar note, don't go in the other gender's bathroom. |
| 706 | ** [[ClingyCostume Weird blobs of latex]]. |
| 707 | ** Strange chemicals and substances. Specifically, do not ingest, sniff, or otherwise use as recreational drug. |
| 708 | *** I will never drink anything glowing faintly green, fizzling, randomly hidden in a strange lab's fridge, or that that [[{{Jerkass}} friend of mine]] gives to me while smirking. |
| 709 | *** I will never inject myself with anything with a DNA symbol, the letters DNA on it, the MegaCorp label, or anything that vaguely hints at the word [[AppliedPhlebotinum Phlebotinum]] or MacGuffin. |
| 710 | *** I won't even go near them to be [[FailureIsTheOnlyOption accidentally poked]]. Any needles or syringes shall be viewed as safely away as possible--preferably through a telescope. Just to be on the safe side, glass containers should be expected to be shattered by any mishap around them. |
| 711 | ** Strange gems. |
| 712 | *** [[Webcomic/ElGoonishShive Especially unusually large ones]]. |
| 713 | ** I will never handle any magical artifacts with animal motifs without gloves. Or better yet, tongs. |
| 714 | *** Having my [[GenkiGirl spunky]] and[=/=]or [[TheChewToy sarcastic]] female sidekick handle them might work, though. |
| 715 | ** Strange costumes. |
| 716 | ** [[Webcomic/ElGoonishShive TF guns]]. |
| 717 | ** Misogyny around women. Not so much a physical catalyst, but a [[KarmicTransformation karmic]] one known to cause [[GenderBender genderbending]]. There's an entry on it below. |
| 718 | *** If you are male, don't make any reference to 'melons'. Even if you ''are'' at a produce market. |
| 719 | ** Don't think being a woman protects you from karmic genderbending either. It's not nearly as popular, but supernatural karma vigilantes are ''vicious'' and have an incredibly sick sense of humor. Depending on the story and the views of the author, exploiting your femininity to manipulate people or [[DoubleStandardAbuseFemaleOnMale simply get away with doing horrible things to people of the opposite gender]] is an extremely good way to get yourself turned into a man. |
| 720 | ** Any locations with the word "Wolf" in any language in the name. There be [[OurWerewolvesAreDifferent werewolves]]. In any other medium there will be either werewolves or dangerously competent local warlords, if at all possible--so, not worth sightseeing either way. Locations with names referencing silver, full moons, and/or signature aspects of a werewolf's behavior and/or anatomy will likewise be avoided. unless you are into them and want to join. |
| 721 | ** TheLittleShopThatWasntThereYesterday. Actually, this applies to any medium. Aside from not entering, don't buy stuff there. It's nonrefundable and may come with... added difficulties. |
| 722 | ** A family member's lab, if they are a geneticist of some kind. If unavoidable, follow said relative at all time and do not touch anything if not wearing thick gloves. |
| 723 | ** Getting out of the car and acting even ''potentially'' trigger happy in a forest with any wildlife more imposing than squirrels is asking for me to become some friendly woodland creature. |
| 724 | ** If I am a burglar, using the term 'cat burglar' is plain TemptingFate. |
| 725 | ** Wearing any type of collar, even as a fashion statement. |
| 726 | ** Opening mail packages if I don't know who it's from or what it contains. Even if it seems harmless, ''put it down anyway''.[[note]]As a side note, package bombers exist, so this applies to any medium, especially crime and/or political or medical dramas.[[/note]] |
| 727 | ** If someone asks me do to summer work on their farm, I will make it clear in advance that I'm not being the horse, let alone the cow. This may not stop them, but at least I made my wishes apparent. |
| 728 | ** Any products with an animal motif, any at all. |
| 729 | ** ''Don't go to university''. It all goes down there. |
| 730 | *** I'm aware that you may be into some of this stuff and want it to happen to you, but that just increases the possibility of an incoming [[TheMindIsAPlaythingOfTheBody partial to total mindwipe]], inability to enjoy your old life anymore or that you may be in a GenreDeconstruction. The risks sort of outweigh the benefits. |
| 731 | ** If I must take a work experience class, internship, or other work-related requirement to fulfill my education credential, I will opt for a BoringButPractical option such as business accounting, retail or politics and avoid anything even remotely having to do with biological or medical science (even just being a forest intern), ''especially'' [[VisualNovel/GenderBenderDNATwisterExtreme if it involves pharmaceuticals and/or genetics to any degree]]. |
| 732 | *** Related to the above, if I happen to see a strange lady with crazy hair and/or animal features, I will move to another country and change my identity immediately. |
| 733 | ** Any "custom" electronics with unusual color schemes, or have names that should be a tip-off like "[[BlandNameProduct Man Box]]". |
| 734 | *** I will especially avoid breaking them, even chipping part of it, since whatever I break will be the specific part capable of causing others to transform. I will also avoid prototypes of said products, or "rare" electronics. |
| 735 | ** Museums are also to be avoided at all costs, 'especially' Natural History Museums. There's a high chance that said museum will contain some sort of magical animal-themed Native American Artifact. |
| 736 | * If I am a guy, I must remember that the FirstLawOfGenderBending is pointing directly at my manhood like a howitzer at ''all times''. Thus, I have to get proactive with one of these options: |
| 737 | ** The best option is to find a friend and become ThoseTwoGuys. This isn't an 100% effective strategy, but it does make it far more likely that any "incidents" will be temporary. Otherwise, our value as a GreekChorus would be ruined. |
| 738 | ** I will avoid anything that will get [[YaoiFangirl certain elements of the fanbase]] {{Shipping}} us. Having a runaway love affair with your best ''male'' bud is awkward at best, even if one of you is currently sporting a pair of C-cups. |
| 739 | ** If I'm already too important to pull that off, I will have to bite the bullet and try to arrange becoming a [[Webcomic/ElGoonishShive part time woman]], to avoid ending up as a ''full'' time woman. Alternately, I can get myself an OppositeSexClone. Though that's not a guarantee either... |
| 740 | ** If I think I can pull it off I'll try to become the guy all those girls are in love with and [[UnwantedHarem act completely surprised]]. |
| 741 | ** [[YouCantFightFate Alternatively]], I will just bite the bullet and [[ManIFeelLikeAWoman take it like a man]]. |
| 742 | ** If I absolutely cannot abide being even a part-time woman (or that option is simply not available), I will follow the lead of transgender men from the mundane world and invest in binders, a packer, and testosterone supplements. I will ''not'' tell the endocrinologist that I was turned into a girl by magical forces from outside of space and time for the purposes of audience titillation--that'll only baffle them. Instead, I'll just say "I always knew I was a man". If, even after all this, the magical forces insist on transforming me back again, I'll flip them the bird and find myself a transformation device that lets me shed my physical form entirely, because seriously, [[YankTheDogsChain this is just pointlessly cruel]]. |
| 743 | ** If I and/or a large number of my friends seem more comfortable in genderbent forms than in our birth-assigned genders, but nobody ever uses words like "transgender" or "genderfluid", I will consider the possibility that my author doesn't know that these are actual things. Accordingly, I will try (within my usual sensibilities) to attract enough of an LGBTFanbase that my author might get an email or two politely explaining the concepts, which will hopefully leak into our lives and make them a little more sensible. |
| 744 | *** Although they might be: trying to keep the work SFW, keep it at a lower rating, trying to avoid having confused children look it up, or they might just not want to get that deep into such things. |
| 745 | * If I have a name that can be easily turned into a female name (Chris -> Christina, Nick -> Nikki, Tony -> Toni, etc) I will not act too surprised when I just happen to be the random person that gets gender-swapped. Names that are hard to feminize (Bob, David, etc) rarely get their owners zapped. (Aka The [[Literature/WhateleyUniverse Whateley]] Rule of TG Protagonist Names.) |
| 746 | ** Likewise, if I have a name or nickname mentioning an animal, I will not be surprised if random DNA of that particular animal ends up in my bloodstream. |
| 747 | ** Ditto if I notice the mysterious new transfer student with a moon or animal based name or family name appears at the same time people start seeing monsters around town. One would think a family of werewolves would be more discreet than name their daughter Luna, but, there ya are. |
| 748 | * I will ''not'' piss off any young girls or old women with magic wands. [[Webcomic/TheWotch Especially if they have red hair.]] However, If I'm feeling [[WeirdnessMagnet adventurous]], befriending them is an option. |
| 749 | * If I'm a guy and offered magical powers, I shall make sure [[Webcomic/SparklingGenerationValkyrieYuuki they're not talking about]] [[MagicalGirl magical]] ''[[MagicalGirl girl]]'' [[MagicalGirl powers]]. (Unless I am willing to [[ManIFeelLikeAWoman accept the transformation]].) |
| 750 | ** Given the difficulties your average hero faces in regards to his secret identity, my powers being linked to a total appearance change could be a boon to my heroics! |
| 751 | * I will remember that gender equality has made great advances in recent decades. Becoming a girl ''does not'' mean I have to go look for a frilly pink dress. In all likelihood, I can just keep going like nothing's changed. |
| 752 | * If I happen to see a [[MadScientist freak in a lab coat]], I will make sure to have as many witnesses around me as possible, and/or deck him the second an opportunity presents itself. The beatings shall continue until good intentions are confirmed. |
| 753 | * If I happen to see a half-human creature, I will stop and think: |
| 754 | ** Is it a [[CuteMonsterGirl a cute, vaguely human girl]]? Or maybe [[LittleBitBeastly a girl with what looks like costume ears glued on]]? I will congratulate myself and introduce myself politely and properly--I just met my new co-star and love interest. |
| 755 | *** Wait, but first--[[MagicPants Is she somehow dressed?]] [[NakedFirstImpression If not]], [[AccidentalPervert perhaps it's time to do some stargazing.]] Unless [[InnocentFanserviceGirl she doesn't seem to care]], then I shall still look up--to thank my [[AuthorAppeal lucky stars.]] |
| 756 | ** Is it [[HalfHumanHybrid a pissed off looking animal-man]]? '''Run.''' |
| 757 | *** I should probably [[YouCantFightFate expect to be bitten or scratched before I get away]], though. |
| 758 | *** Or, [[ScrewDestiny in the case the above happens]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere suicide is much more preferable]] to the painful transformation kicking in. |
| 759 | * If my best friend acts suspiciously and werefolk exist on this world, I will hold any unfair prejudices against my friend--he or she could have turned against me long ago. |
| 760 | * If ever any animal--even a bug--bites me, I will get it properly checked out by someone who knows what they are doing. I won't just shrug it off thinking that if I ignore it that it will go away. |
| 761 | * If I am looking for employment, stay away from genetic research facilities, zoos, or any place that works with animals. If I have no choice in the matter, I will keep my back to the wall, keep a sharp eye on everyone around me, and for god's sake, don't eat or drink anything offered to me. |
| 762 | * If I am a transgender person I will remember that not every transformation results in a GenderBender and thus provoking any beings who can force me to transform is still a bad idea. |
| 763 | ** If I get transformed and it is indeed a GenderBender transformation, I will make it a point to politely thank whoever changed me and even more politely ask them if this can be made permanent. |
| 764 | * If I go into any store that sells magical items, manage to aquire a TF gun, get my hands on any sort of scientific machine/weird transformation goop/new scientific invention, or stumble across a book of spells or magic wand, I will cut all ties from boyfriends/girlfriends, best "friends", roommates, neighbors, classmates, acquaintances and ''especially'' ex-boyfriends/girlfriends, rival coworkers, or enemies ''immediately'' until the object is destroyed. These people want nothing more than to torture me with transformation. |
| 765 | * I will ''not'', under any circumstances, try to save anyone from weird animal men, latex or not, no matter how much they beg and scream. Interfering with this results in at best the attackee getting bitten or slimed and at worse both of us getting transformed. |
| 766 | * If people around me never say the words "transformation" or "transgender" in full, but instead shorten them to TF and TG, I will ''get the hell out of there''. |
| 767 | [[/folder]] |
| 768 | |
| 769 | [[folder:Metafiction]] |
| 770 | * If I know [[BreakingTheFourthWall there's an audience]], I will ''try'' to get my friends up to speed, else they [[AudienceWhatAudience think I'm crazy.]] If all else fails, I can disguise my knowledge of the audience as clever [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall double meanings]] that hopefully won't lose me friends. |
| 771 | ** [[{{ComicBook/Deadpool}} Unless Crazy's a part of my character. Then I'm solid.]] |
| 772 | *** [[ComicBook/SquirrelGirl Or being Meta in general.]] |
| 773 | * If I'm the designated MetaGuy, ''I should be funny.'' There's nothing more [[TheScrappy grating]] to the audience than a guy who just makes fourth-wall jokes with the punchline being "See? I know you're there!" |
| 774 | ** Alternatively, If I know that this is a work of fiction, [[ReadingAheadInTheScript start reading that plot.]] It will be better for both me and my colleagues. |
| 775 | * If I'm gonna be savvy in one genre, I may as well [[CrazyPrepared be savvy in them all.]] You never know; these types of stories have a penchant for being [[GenreBuster more]] than one genre. |
| 776 | ** There is a chance that ''everyone'' could have read their respective genre lists, and are trying to [[XanatosSpeedChess outplay]] each other's [[IKnowYouKnowIKnow preemptive attacks]] through some weird metafictional MetaGame over which point on the list can counter what. I should be careful not to show my hand too early, lest I be [[DeathByGenreSavviness snuffed out for my knowledge.]] |
| 777 | * If my friends try to point out that ThisIsReality, I'll calmly and carefully (or [[BrutalHonesty maybe not]], depending on who I'm talking to) point out [[ArbitrarySkepticism a couple of things about the world that they seem to have forgotten about when making that statement]]. |
| 778 | ** I need to be careful not to go overboard with this, though, as blindly believing every improbable thing that happens is bound to get me in trouble. If somebody has to say ThisIsReality, they need to say it in the context of ''this'' verse, not the verse of the audience. |
| 779 | * Under no circumstances will I undergo an existential crisis even after discovering undeniable evidence that I and all my friends are merely fictional creations of a higher, [[HumansAreFlawed yet human]], power for the sole purpose of entertainment. The author won’t allow me to do so, anyway, so I might as well [[ZenSurvivor just learn to accept it]]. |
| 780 | * I will not RageAgainstTheAuthor. Any "author" I can access is in fact [[AuthorAvatar a fictional copy of the author]] -- even in the best-case scenario, they'll merely be a copy programmed to act the way the author thinks they would act if they were "really" there, which still leaves me with no true leverage against the ''real'' author. And in the ''worst'' case scenario, they'll be a completely fictional entity as well, as much under the control of the true author as I am. |
| 781 | [[/folder]] |
| 782 | |
| 783 | |
| 784 | |
| 785 | !!By Medium |
| 786 | |
| 787 | [[folder:Anime and Manga]] |
| 788 | * [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/animecharacter.htm For general heroes]]. |
| 789 | ** [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/dragonballcharacter.htm For the heroes]] of Franchise/DragonBall. |
| 790 | * [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/animevillain.htm For general villains]]. |
| 791 | ** [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/dragonballvillain.htm For the villains]] of Franchise/DragonBall. |
| 792 | * [[http://www.issendai.com/silliness/animemagical.htm Tips for]] a MagicalGirl. |
| 793 | ** [[http://www.angelfire.com/anime/Slacker/girl.txt Some more tips]]. |
| 794 | ** A few gems that closed that one up and would let any magical girl take a level in badass: |
| 795 | *** 82. [[ConfusionFu I will do the unexpected]]. |
| 796 | *** 83. If the unexpected doesn't work, [[BeyondTheImpossible I'll attempt the impossible]]. |
| 797 | *** 84. I will [[NeverTellMeTheOdds pay no attention to odds]]. |
| 798 | *** 85. When in doubt, [[JustShootHim kill it]]. |
| 799 | * If I have ''any kind'' of TransformationSequence, be it MagicalGirl, Franchise/SuperSentai, or some other form of HenshinHero; CombiningMecha, putting on PoweredArmor, or activation some other large-scale device; or [[Franchise/{{Digimon}} digivolving]]; and it is anything less than instantaneous, I will ''absolutely'' make certain I have some sort of protection while it plays out. Nothing's more embarrassing than getting blasted by a opponent before you're ready. Alternatively, I'll transform ''before'' I confront them. |
| 800 | * If my powers rely on [[ByThePowerOfGrayskull Activation Phrases]] and {{Magical Incantation}}s, I will keep them as short as possible, with one or two words being the absolute max, so that I am not interrupted during it. Better yet, I will find ways to use my powers without needing to speak at all; nothing is more humiliating than having your entire arsenal rendered useless by a silencing spell, voice stealing power, or any other {{Phlebotinum}} that a villain can use to take away your ability to speak the words. |
| 801 | * I will not allow the source of my powers to be one that benefits evil more than good and can be turned off as easily as flipping a switch. Said power source must be destroyed. |
| 802 | * [[http://fudoushin.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/rules.jpg Tips for]] HumongousMecha pilots. |
| 803 | ** I will not attack the enemy unit of a different color and/or configuration than the usual model. |
| 804 | ** I will listen to the young commander with a knack for strategy. |
| 805 | ** [[SuperPrototype I will not pilot any mech that is not a prototype]]. |
| 806 | ** If I am not a hero or villain, I will stay off-screen unless my side is winning. |
| 807 | *** If that is impossible, I will join a heavy weapons' squad carrying nothing but {{BFG}}s. Life as StockFootage ain't so bad. |
| 808 | ** Should I find myself facing the SuperPrototype mecha piloted by an OrdinaryHighSchoolStudent who [[FallingIntoTheCockpit fell into the cockpit]], I will not attack him. Instead, [[KnowWhenToFoldEm I will call for a tactical withdrawal]]. |
| 809 | * ''If you are none of those, refer to this very page.'' |
| 810 | ** I will keep a pack of Shinto Charms on me at all times. If a minor demon manifests or possesses someone, this is the most effective way to ward them off. |
| 811 | ** If I am [[CallingYourAttacks calling my attacks]], the best time to do so is ''during'' said attacks, rather than leaving myself wide open before them. |
| 812 | *** If I have to call my attacks before I execute them, the names will be short and misleading. For example, a whirling kick that generates a gust of wind? "Knuckle spark". |
| 813 | *** If possible, all of my attacks will have the same name. That way, no one knows if I'm going to merely throw a fireball or nuke the place to oblivion. |
| 814 | *** If possible, just [[TakeAThirdOption don't call your attacks at all]]. |
| 815 | ** Before piloting any HumongousMecha or other combat vehicle, I will make sure I know how to evacuate from it, and if possible, how to trigger its self-destruct mechanism to keep the technology out of enemy hands once all personnel have escaped. |
| 816 | ** I will never be the first one to join a fight. That's the hero's job. |
| 817 | ** If it's really important that my allies accomplish something, I'll pretend it's impossible, then act surprised when they do it. |
| 818 | ** If I am a young man and [[UnwantedHarem twenty girls fall in love with me out of the blue]], I will under no circumstances [[HaremSeeker encourage them]]. When they're not feuding over me, they'll be smacking me upside the head for [[GreenEyedMonster noticing the others]]. Unless you ladies can be civil about this, I think we should see other people. |
| 819 | *** On the other hand...if I know the flaws of the individual girls, and they happen to balance each other out? A BalancedHarem can be QUITE fun. That way, I can at least get to sit back and watch the fireworks... |
| 820 | ** If I am not TheHero in a Shonen anime, but am a good guy, I will not, I repeat, ''not'', attempt to fight the BigBad. Instead, I will encourage and/or train TheHero to this end. |
| 821 | ** If I am a mentor [[APupilOfMineUntilHeTurnedToEvil whose student has gone evil]], I will not engage him myself, nor will I say anything to the effect of "[[ThisIsSomethingHesGotToDoHimself I'm the only one who can stop him]]". Such a fight will definitely end in my death. Even if [[HonorBeforeReason the school's honor is more important]], having a more loyal student beat him later still counts as a victory for the team. If this demotes the traitor from an apprentice who outgrew his master to a [[BetaTestBaddie random bad apple]] who was given a chance, but didn't see the light--so much better. |
| 822 | *** Also, while training my students, I will make sure none of them are stronger than me. If one is, I will make sure to know his weaknesses--this will be priceless in case he decides to switch teams. |
| 823 | ** I will force the opponent to begin a long monologue about his place in life, his feelings, dreams, hopes, etc. When he is distracted, ''that'' is when I will attack. |
| 824 | ** I will by no means have any sort of flashback in the middle of a life-or-death battle. If I do, I may as well kiss my rear end goodbye. |
| 825 | *** Unless said flashback distracts my enemy long enough for me to win the battle. |
| 826 | ** I will let the HotBlooded guy be the hero. Always, without exception or exemption. |
| 827 | *** However I will always have someone minding the HotBlooded hero at all times. Nine times out of ten he will grab the IdiotBall while I'm being GenreSavvy because he has a weird tendency to pick fights when he gets mad, given his generally personality this happens a ''lot''. Also in martial arts anime he'll face down the BigBad when the BigBad wants to face me and get swatted aside so I can be killed (remember a lot of HotBlooded heroes tend to be {{Idiot Hero}}es too) |
| 828 | ** If my team runs a combining mecha and the villains repeatedly [[Anime/{{Voltron}} prevent it from combining by keeping one of my team members occupied]], I'll train a backup pilot for use in such situations. More than one if I can. |
| 829 | ** I will refrain from mentioning my fatalism, nihilism or Ubermensch-complex to the hero. He will teach me a lesson about ''his'' philosophy and that lesson will be painful. |
| 830 | *** If possible, I will acquire a working knowledge of philosophy and after the hero states his beliefs, I will destroy them intellectually, gaining the audience's sympathy. |
| 831 | *** I will keep in mind that this usually backfires horribly in certain types of anime. Effort will be put into finding out where this series lands on the SlidingScaleOfIdealismVersusCynicism. |
| 832 | ** Should I somehow gain dark powers, I will use them '''only''' as a last resort to prevent either [[WithGreatPowerComesGreatInsanity loss of sanity]] or else fueling my SuperpoweredEvilSide. |
| 833 | ** I will establish whether or not my attacks can hurt the villain. If so, I will ignore the Hero's "I have to do this alone" speech, gather everyone else whose attacks can also hurt the villain, and we'll all gang up on him. If not, I will politely bow out and see if there is something I can sabotage. |
| 834 | ** If I am a WellIntentionedExtremist, I will remember to apply extreme measures ''only after'' normal measures failed to work. Trying to steal something and then finding out I could have just asked for it, for instance, makes me look stupid ''and'' unreasonable. |
| 835 | ** If I find a [[Manga/ElfenLied naked girl]] [[Anime/ThisUglyYetBeautifulWorld in the middle of nowhere]], I will kill her, right then and there. Or run away fast and far, and never return. She is obviously the harbinger of destruction, and it will be easier to do it before I fall in love with her. |
| 836 | *** Same goes if I find [[VisualNovel/{{Air}} a cursed girl who everyone else avoids]]. |
| 837 | ** I will use my most powerful attack at the beginning of the battle. [[SpamAttack Repeatedly]]. |
| 838 | *** In the event that my most powerful attack kills me, I will trap the enemy to ensure that they die as well. This includes restraining them, removing any magical jewelry, and generally ensuring that no DeusExMachina happens. |
| 839 | ** I will not assume that [[BadassNormal the guy who can't use magic]] is a weakling. He can probably still kick my ass six ways from Sunday. |
| 840 | ** I will not judge people by appearance. Yes, my opponent looks ridiculous, but he can probably kill me without much thought. This holds particularly true if I am in ''Manga/OnePiece''. |
| 841 | ** The instant I realize that the SuperPrototype can win a battle in only a few seconds, I will call up the heads of state and get them working on having it mass-produced. |
| 842 | *** I will, however, make sure that each replica is an exact copy, and is not [[SuperPrototype inexplicably weaker]]. Cutting the corners on army contracts is known at least since the time of Xerxes, so dying for lack of a working acceptance board would be embarrassing. If necessary, a solution to this problem may also be borrowed from Xerxes. |
| 843 | ** During the TournamentArc: |
| 844 | *** I will refrain from stating that I was saving my super attack for the finals unless I am actually ''in'' the finals. |
| 845 | *** I will not cheat unless I'm on the team that features TheHero. If I'm on any other team, we will not only be mercilessly beaten, but we will be exposed as cheats. |
| 846 | *** I will avoid actions that make me a Complete Monster. I want to survive past this TournamentArc, so I will avoid that. If possible, I will inform TheHero as to the weaknesses of the BigBad. |
| 847 | * If I live in a universe with PowerLevels, I will attempt to discern if the scale is linear, logarithmic, or exponential. Under no circumstances will I attempt to solo an opponent who is a level or higher above me. Whether I try a group attack or retreat depends on the answer to the previous question. |
| 848 | * If I live in a universe that does not care about PowerLevels, I will never, ever underestimate anyone. You never know what anyone is capable of. |
| 849 | * [[Anime/DragonBallZ Saiyans]] [[BigEater eat tons of food]] and they have [[TooHungryToBePolite horrible table manners]]. This is a fact. I might as well accept this now and stop letting my own food get cold because I'm always too busy staring dumbfounded at them during every single meal. |
| 850 | * If I am minding my own business, and suddenly a hot member of the opposite sex or cute little critter comes along and offers me the chance to do something really cool (such as pilot a giant robot, become a magical girl, or travel to another world), I will [[Manga/{{Bokurano}} make]] ''[[Manga/ShadowStar damn]]'' [[Anime/NowAndThenHereAndThere sure]] [[Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion the]] [[Anime/MyHime setting]] [[Literature/TheTwelveKingdoms is]] [[Anime/PuellaMagiMadokaMagica not]] a {{Deconstruction}} or deceptively [[DarkerAndEdgier dark and edgy]] before I accept. Then again, I risk running into DeconstructiveParody, just plain {{Parody}}, or {{Satire}} anyway, so ''I'' might end up being [[Manga/TheDisastrousLifeOfSaikiK the]] [[Manga/RamenFighterMiki unspeakable]] [[Anime/MagicalWitchPuniechan danger]] [[Manga/MagicalGirlOre that]] [[Webcomic/OnePunchMan everyone]] [[Literature/QualiaThePurple fears]] rather than this hot character or cute critter. Depends on what magazine this runs in or what time slot this airs on. |
| 851 | * I will make double sure of my actual genre and the role I am ''actually'' in, instead of the genre and role I ''think'' I'm in. Being WrongGenreSavvy can be just as bad as being GenreBlind, and depending on the story and author, I am most likely going to look like a fool or have any number of bad things happen to me. |
| 852 | * If I am ''ever'' in a {{Mons}} setting, ''especially'' if I am among the main cast, I will learn about any form of combat or {{Mons}} neutralization that is not dependent on {{Mons}} and train myself in it ''immediately''. No matter how skilled I am at commanding {{Mons}}, I will invariably be separated from my team and attacked or otherwise put in peril without them, and waiting for them to save my hide is asking for trouble. If my enemy is on the same level of pragmatism as [[VideoGame/PokemonColosseum Cipher]], I will take extra lessons and ''expect'' to be attacked in these circumstances. |
| 853 | ** Likewise, I will train my {{Mons}} to fight or command others without me for the same reason stated above. Whoever separated them from me is most likely out to control them for their own ends, and they should be inconvenienced or thwarted as thoroughly as possible. |
| 854 | ** As a corollary to the above two points and seeing as most {{Mons}} settings have poisonous critters all over the place, I will see about getting myself an AcquiredPoisonImmunity to as many of them as possible. Likewise, I will undergo whatever mental training may be available to resist {{Mons}} with telepathy or mind control powers in case I happen to run into one in the wild and my own {{Mons}} are unable to protect me from such. |
| 855 | ** If I plan to enter a TournamentArc, I will be prepared to face a CanonSue [[DiabolusExMachina out of nowhere with]] OlympusMons [[Anime/PokemonTheSeriesDiamondAndPearl in the semifinals]]. I will go on Website/{{Smogon}}, do the research on every Uber, take notes on their weaknesses, and equip my {{Mons}} with lots of speed-boosting items. |
| 856 | *** If possible I will make the effort to obtain OlympusMons myself to make the rest of my life much easier. It may be time consuming but as long as me and my travelling companions [[{{Filler}} don't stick our noses in the affairs of every stranger we come across]] we should still be able to make it into the tournament. If not possible to catch OlympusMons I will use said extra time to fully train and diversify my roster, research on all potential rivals and obtain all the best stat increasing, [[TransformationTrinket transforming]] and [[LimitBreak special move]] inducing items I can find. |
| 857 | *** Most importantly, I need to do it while ''still showing I care for them''. If the point of the series was the [[ThePowerOfFriendship bonds I make with my Mon making us stronger]], I shouldn't give that up just to win. Otherwise, I'd be more like the opponents I fought earlier and contradicting the series' message big time, and I most certainly will get my ass handed to me by an opponent who better embodies that message. |
| 858 | ** My Mons will be visible to non-users to prevent me from looking like an idiot who just stands there and yells. |
| 859 | ** I will not have a psychic link to any of my Mons so I do not share their pain and end up with physical and mental trauma. |
| 860 | * If I am in a sports anime, I will not give up. Period. Even if every joint in my body aches and I can barely stand up. The HotBlooded {{Determinator}} always wins. |
| 861 | ** If I'm the CuteSportsClubManager, I better get used to seeing [[PairTheSpares that one kid who's conveniently single and seems to like me]]. Otherwise, there's no conceivable way the fandom's letting me get with one of my other teammates. ''Especially'' if [[HopelessSuitor I have a crush on one of them]]. Unless, of course, I'm the protagonist of this sports series or one of its spinoffs. Then I've got exclusive dibs on that crush, no matter what the main story says. |
| 862 | * I should realize at some point that the cuter the world's design is (''without'' being a comedic work), and the more innocent my friends appear to be, [[ArtStyleDissonance the more I'll have to start worrying for everyone's safety.]] Conversely, the more serious and dour the world appears to be, the higher chance there is I have to worry about [[TheComicallySerious how hard my sides are going to split]] from the dissonace. |
| 863 | * If anyone runs into me, I will not [[ThanksForTheMammary feel around to see who it is.]] [[PervertRevengeMode I will get slapped.]] And if my hand does end up on something warm and soft, I will move it away as quickly as possible. |
| 864 | ** Hands to the side, apologize immediately. [[Characters/TheLegendOfHeroesTrailsOfColdSteel Even if it doesn't work, that means SHE will be the one who looks like a jerk.]] |
| 865 | * If I'm in a {{Hentai}} manga, I should count on getting screwed one way or another at some point. There is a 95% chance that the Hentai will be PornWithoutPlot and [[EverybodyHasLotsOfSex everyone will be screwing everyone]], but regardless, I will remember to pack some Astroglide and a wooden stick to bite down on, as even if no plot gets introduced, it doesn't guarantee that I'll know ahead of time exactly what kind of objects, appendages or entities will be going into (or onto) which of my bodily orifices. |
| 866 | ** However, I will remember that even if I am unlikely to die in a Hentai, there are fates ''worse'' than death (especially in darker works where I am likely to become a mindbroken SexSlave or BreedingSlave for villains and monsters), and will endeavor to avoid such situations however I can. |
| 867 | * If, after overcoming all the difficulties and much {{angst}} that are separating us from getting together, I am finally able to meet my LoveInterest alone in an atmospheric location, I will have to realize that this meeting is not [[Anime/AngelBeats gonna]] [[Anime/WaitingInTheSummer last]] [[Literature/BeyondTheBoundary very]] [[Anime/YourName long]] and will usually end in the disappearance of my LoveInterest. With that in mind, I will confess my feeling to her again and have TheBigDamnKiss with her. More importantly, I will do anything I can to make sure she will remember me and I will remember her since while we are [[FateDrivesUsTogether guaranteed to meet again]], the next time I'm going to see her can be anywhere from a year to our next life and I certainly don't want to forget about her due to some EasyAmnesia. |
| 868 | * If I ever find myself a member of a tank crew in an anime setting, here is a list of things I must ''never, in any circumstances, engage in combat. '''Ever.''''' |
| 869 | ** [[HumongousMecha Mecha of any type]], unless the tank I am operating is specifically designed for combating them. |
| 870 | *** Excempt from this rule are [[SuperPrototype mechs reported to be prototypes]] and [[AceCustom heavily customized mechs.]] These are not to be engaged '''period.''' In fact, any sort of unique mech that hasn't been seen before should be approached with extreme caution and with no less than 2 additional tanks for backup. This rule is also extended to non-mecha vehicles, such as other tanks, aircraft, or [[MilitaryMashupMachine any combination thereof.]] |
| 871 | ** Any sort of weapon that precedes its attack with SuckingInLines. Chances are, I do ''not'' want to be anywhere near or downrange the muzzle of it when it [[WaveMotionGun fires.]] |
| 872 | ** Any sort of lone infantry unit that does not seem appropriately wary of being engaged by a tank. They're probably very likely to have something nasty up their sleeve that makes tanks spontaneously turn into piles of scrap metal. |
| 873 | *** [[Manga/PumpkinScissors Especially]] if the lone unit in question is a man carrying a lantern and an oversize handgun. |
| 874 | *** ''[[Anime/FistOfTheNorthStar Especially]]'' if the lone unit uses a pressure-point fighting style. It probably works on the internals of vehicles too. |
| 875 | *** ''[[Manga/FullmetalAlchemist Especially]]'' if the lone unit is a Homunculus with a sword. |
| 876 | ** [[MagicalGirl Magical Girls.]] There's a 50/50 chance that they battle otherworldly creatures of untold arcane power on a daily basis so a simple human tank would not be much of a challenge. Besides, even if a tank ''were'' a challenge for them, the image of a 50-ton armored fighting vehicle whaling on some poor kid in a miniskirt is ''not'' something you want to be associated with in the daily news. |
| 877 | ** On the subject of tanks, if I am the head of a school administration and someone suggests the idea of a [[Anime/GirlsUndPanzer tank club]], I will smack them on the head repeatedly. Who in their right minds would give armored vehicle fitted with ''live weapons'' to high schoolers, some of whom may not even be old enough to drive? |
| 878 | * ''Remember your demographic.'' It doesn't matter if fluffy romance is happening on the battlefield, or the cute girls start viciously beating up villains with {{Slasher Smile}}s. Nothing should surprise you if you remember who this is written for. |
| 879 | * Be wary when an improbable event is dismissed with "This isn't a manga!". Rules will still apply to you, especially if it's... |
| 880 | ** a completely original animated work, which means manga logic never applied in the first place, but anime logic still does. |
| 881 | ** an AnimatedAdaptation of a game/visual novel/light novel/webcomic, which follows the logic of its source material. |
| 882 | ** still fictional, but grounded in the audience's reality more; manga logic may still apply, but on a downplayed scale. |
| 883 | ** a parody or satire, where they can invoke as many or as few instances of medium logic as they want. |
| 884 | ** still a manga, but for a different demographic than the one they assume, since the type of manga and demographic they always imply when they say this is inevitably either ''Jump'' style Shonen Fantasy or Shonen Battle, or 70's style Shoujo Romance. |
| 885 | * Most importantly, be genuine. Nothing infuriates an audience more than a person that's able to be GenreSavvy and half-hearted about it. Indifference is only acceptable in parody or [[ShowWithinAShow series within series]], not a completely straitlaced work; even if everyone else doesn't know, the universe ''will'', and it will kick your ass for your lack of narrative enthusiasm. |
| 886 | ** If you ''are'' genuine or enthusiastic about this, don't show too much of it or [[MortonsFork the narrative might kick your ass anyway]]. Do you know how many people ''expect'' to be stuck in {{RPG Mechanics Verse}}s and get some sort of underestimated ability they can [[HeartIsAnAwesomePower work into something formidable]] when they get transported to a new world just because they've watched enough anime and read enough manga where it happens? The story just might warp itself to make you WrongGenreSavvy out of spite. |
| 887 | * If I am one of the heroes in ''Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventure'', I will stay away from planes. |
| 888 | [[AC:If I am smart and wear glasses]] |
| 889 | * I will carefully analyze the story to determine my optimal strategy. This may be my only option for survival. |
| 890 | * If everyone is doing a lot of punching: |
| 891 | ** If I want to be a hero I will seek out a rag-tag group of heroes. If they break something important when I first meet them or are lead by a complete idiot I've found my meat shields. |
| 892 | ** If I want to be a villain I will work alone and stand in the shadows a lot. |
| 893 | ** I will try to learn [[BadassBookworm at least the basics of combat]], but will focus on honing my [[AwesomeByAnalysis powers of observation]] and [[GadgeteerGenius study up on my soldering]]. |
| 894 | * If the rest of the cast are female: |
| 895 | ** Regardless of my own gender and romantic preferences, I will resign myself to the fact that I will never again know peace. The more I fight my fate the more often I will end up transformed and/or in physical danger. |
| 896 | * If I find any strange books and do not already have magical powers, I will immediately read them. While there is a good chance of unintentionally unleashing an army of Yokai, sometimes said army follows orders. Failing that, the odds lean towards my gaining magical powers and at least fringe character status by the end of the arc provided I help put them back. |
| 897 | ** I will remember that this only works once, and that any books encountered thereafter have a non-zero chance of starting a new arc where I do a lot of screaming. |
| 898 | * If I find a [[Literature/TheBible Bible]], I will immediately read it and accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Whatever abilities He blesses me with are for the best. |
| 899 | * I will keep my glasses clean at all times. Hero or villain, [[ScaryShinyGlasses they aren't nearly as intimidating if they're covered in spots.]] |
| 900 | [[/folder]] |
| 901 | |
| 902 | |
| 903 | [[folder:Fan Fiction]] |
| 904 | [[AC: General]] |
| 905 | * I will throw myself down at the feet of the nearest OC and pledge my everlasting loyalty to [[AlwaysFemale her]]. Humiliating, yes, but I'll probably make it to the story's end ([[DeadFic if it has one]]) in one piece if I stay on her good side. |
| 906 | ** If I absolutely cannot stand said OC, nor really care about her, however, I will leave the vicinity of said Sue immediately. Howling for her blood will end badly for me, and just being anywhere near her if I'm indifferent towards her will likely ensure that I get [[TheDragalong dragged into her adventures]] anyhow. |
| 907 | *** However, if said OC is of the shapeshifter type (assuming she has the kind of personality I won't mind), then I wouldn't mind her anyhow as long as she's not dating anyone canon. [[note]]BreastExpansion and [[PowerPerversionPotential other possibilities]] would be endless, assuming purity isn't an issue to begin with.[[/note]] |
| 908 | * If the heroine is dating the DracoInLeatherPants and insists he isn't so bad, I will believe her. I will not explode when I find out and then [[RonTheDeathEater go overboard trying to protect her]], especially not if [[GreenEyedMonster I wanted her to be in a relationship with me]]. |
| 909 | ** If I still loathe the DracoInLeatherPants despite what the heroine says about him, I will respectfully let the couple be and [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere leave the story]] entirely, or at least the vicinity of the couple. |
| 910 | * I will hang out with [[BeautyEqualsGoodness whichever characters are described as attractive]]. And I will [[AuthorAppeal wear whatever clothes and listen to whatever music they do]]. And if [[ObligatorySwearing they all swear]], I will swear too. |
| 911 | ** Alternatively, if I find the above rule undesireable for any reason, understandable or otherwise (more likely the former), I will leave the general area those characters occupy as quickly and quietly as possible. |
| 912 | * If [[SlashFic two male characters hook up]], I will most emphatically ''not'' [[PoliticallyIncorrectVillain be homophobic]]. I similarly will not express outrage over ''any'' romantic pairing, [[UnequalPairing no]] [[HotForStudent matter]] [[NotBloodSiblings how]] [[IncestIsRelative wrong]]. It's always [[ElmuhFuddSyndwome Twue Wuv]]. |
| 913 | ** If I am indifferent about the above, should I happen to be in said SlashFic at all, and at the place where said hooking up takes place, I will leave the vicinity where said hooking up occured as calmly as possible and do the [[BrainBleach mind scrubbing]] in someplace private. That goes double if there are [[NoYay very good reasons]] such a pair wouldn't happen canonically. |
| 914 | * I will not attempt to change or disturb TheStationsOfTheCanon. It probably won't hurt me, but it's just a waste of time. |
| 915 | * If I'm male, I will be a perfect gentleman to the heroine, but will have no romantic interest in her. If I'm female, I will have no romantic interest in the heroine's man and most certainly will not act jealous or try to steal him. In fact, whatever my gender, I will not be in a relationship with ''anyone'' [[DieForOurShip just to be safe]]. |
| 916 | ** If the hero/heroine turns out to be utterly insufferable for any reason, I will make a break for it the instant they enter the picture. |
| 917 | * I will be as {{Wangst}}y as possible. Having actual reasons for my moodiness is, however, purely optional. |
| 918 | ** Alternatively, I will [[AngstWhatAngst not be emotionally unstable]], as the chance of the above super-sensitive type of characters being seen as [[TheScrappy hair-pullingly obnoxious]] by the readers is nothing to be laughed at. Then again, being ''too'' emotionally stable and only reacting when appropriate will make me look stiff robotic. |
| 919 | *** The above goes double for if the whiny character ''is'' the protagonist. If I am not the main character, and I really wish they [[AngstDissonance would just shut up]], I will avoid being ''anywhere near'' them as much as possible. Being near someone so [[SoBeautifulItsACurse ungodly beautiful]], yet far too emotionally frail, for instance, is '''not''' worth enduring the headaches in the long run. |
| 920 | * If a character becomes RonTheDeathEater, I will assume they are completely evil and irredeemable now, no matter how nice they were in the canon. |
| 921 | ** If such is the case, I [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere would have already left the story]] long ago. |
| 922 | * If it's a TrollFic, I will be as wildly and entertainingly OutOfCharacter as possible. Surely the author would never kill off the character who provides half the lulz. |
| 923 | ** Also, I will take this opportunity to do as many wildly improbable things as possible, as the excessive RuleOfCool will allow me to achieve absolutely insane and entertaining things. |
| 924 | * If someone attractive is being mean to me, I will [[RedemptionEqualsSex immediately decide to have sex with them]]. If someone unattractive is being mean to me, I will kill them. |
| 925 | * I won't feel any pressure to be funny if it's an {{MST}} fic. Instead I'll just [[CaptainObvious state the obvious]] and [[HumorDissonance this will be considered hilarious]]. |
| 926 | ** If it's a particularly [[{{Squick}} gross]] fanfic I'm [=MSTing=], I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere abandon ship]] immediately. |
| 927 | * In a RationalFic, I will find whichever hero has received an intelligence boost and align myself with them. |
| 928 | ** I will try to be more intelligent than in canon as well. I do not want to be the SpannerInTheWorks in the hero's plan. |
| 929 | ** If, however, I'm already aligned with the villain who received the intelligence boost, I'll gladly be the one messing up his plan. Being [[TheMole a mole]] can also help because the hero is unlikely to [[RewardedAsATraitorDeserves reward me as a traitor deserves]]. |
| 930 | *** I will, however, be extremely wary of the villain [[FeedTheMole trying to find the mole by feeding misinformation to his underlings]]. Once the IKnowYouKnowIKnow gambits pile up, I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere take my leave]]. |
| 931 | * If I am in a fanfic for a franchise with multiple continuities (such as ''Franchise/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles'') I will immediately try and ascertain exactly which continuity I'm in. What works in one incarnation might not fly for another. |
| 932 | * As you might have noticed already, a recurring advice in this section can be expressed this way: If I notice evidence that I am in [[SturgeonsLaw the 90%]], I will do my best to [[InvokedTrope put myself]] [[PutOnABus on the next bus]] and get [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere away from there]]! |
| 933 | |
| 934 | [[AC: Specific fandoms]] %%Alphabetically by fandom, please. |
| 935 | * If it's a ''Literature/TheCampHalfBloodSeries'' fanfic: |
| 936 | ** Before I get anywhere close to that Literature/{{Percy|JacksonAndTheOlympians}} kid, I should double-check that the author didn't put "{{Dark|Fic}}![[RonTheDeathEater Percy]]" or anything similar in the tags. If there's nothing, feel free to approach the guy, as he's probably friendly. If a tag like it ''is'' there, then stay the Hades away from that waterbending psycho. |
| 937 | * If it's a ''Franchise/HarryPotter'' fanfic: |
| 938 | ** If the "good" side and the "bad" side have been twisted beyond all recognition, I will join the side with most of the following characters: Harry, Hermione, Draco, Snape, Lupin, Luna, and the Weasley twins. |
| 939 | *** Alternatively, I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere ''put as much distance between myself and the conflict as I can altogether'']]. |
| 940 | ** If Harry is accused of a horrific crime, I will assume he's innocent right away. I will also hide Hedwig and his photo album from everyone else until his innocence is proven. |
| 941 | *** If a key part of the evidence against Harry is that the Marauder's Map said he did it, I will remind everyone that one of the Map's co-creators is a known Death Eater. I will also remind everyone that the last time they assumed someone was guilty just because all the evidence SEEMED to point to that person being guilty, an innocent man spent 12 years in Azkaban, and will insist that the Map be thoroughly tested (ideally by a surviving Marauder other than Pettigrew) to ensure that it hasn't been tampered with (or replaced with a defective copy/prototype) |
| 942 | ** Dumbledore is either a wise sage, an evil manipulator, or a harmless buffoon. It is imperative that I determine as quickly as possible which version of Dumbledore I will be dealing with. But even after I think I've figured it out, I will always bear in mind the possibility that he is in fact one of the other options and putting up a facade -- and even I figure out the facade, [[MultilayerFacade it might not end there]]. |
| 943 | ** If I'm Harry and I return to Privet Drive for the summer only to find that the Dursleys have suddenly become way more abusive, I'll send Hedwig off with a message asking for help ''before'' Uncle Vernon can kill her. In the event that I'm unable to save Hedwig, I will at least run away from the Durselys. Under no circumstances, will I stay at Privet Drive and just let the Dursleys beat/rape me to death. As soon as I've gotten away from the Durselys, I will confront Dumbledore. If Dumbledore doesn't seem all that concerned about what happened to me, I will assume that I'm in an evil!Dumbledore fanfic and that I probably should start looking for my parents' will. |
| 944 | ** If I’m a Muggleborn, I will go to a gun shop at the earliest convenience and shell out all of my money on the highest caliber rifle and as much ammunition as I can get my hands on. |
| 945 | * If it’s a ''VideoGame/TheLegendOfSpyro'' fanfic: |
| 946 | ** Assuming I am in the same timeline as what's known as "Post Dawn of the dragon", if I am a main character that is not Spyro or Cynder, I will have some element and/or personality that will actually compliment theirs. |
| 947 | *** That being said, I will not have amazing ability that nobody's ever heard of right from the get go. If my ability was that amazing I would be as famous, if not more, than the purple dragon himself. |
| 948 | ** I will not be called "Flame" or "Ember", nor will I have any resemblance to these characters. I'm sorry, who were they again? |
| 949 | ** If I am a dragonfly called "Sparx", I will either prove somehow, consistently useful, or I will go home to the swamp and stay there. Prerably with Spyro's approval. |
| 950 | ** If I am a guard or soldier, I will actually be trained and/or competent at my job. |
| 951 | ** If I am a dragon, and it would be beneficial to use my wings, I will do so instead of standing there dying. |
| 952 | ** If I find myself romantically attracted to Spyro or Cynder, I will let them know as soon as possible, but without providing any expectation of reciprocation. |
| 953 | ** Unless the story is supposed to filled with copious amounts of violence and slaughter for its own sake, any instances of war and violence will be treated with the utmost seriousness. Having just come out of a war for who-knows-how-long would do that to you. |
| 954 | *** In the same vein, if I witness such violence, or learn of it, I will actually have an emotional reaction to it. Spyro and Cynder especially should be entering near PTSD-level of it. |
| 955 | ** If I am about to fight the villain, and I have no name, I might as well surrender, flee, or join them, whichever has the greatest chance of survival. |
| 956 | ** If it is clear that the small, teenage dragons are doing everything when there at least four fully-grown ones that could do a much better job, I will call them out on it. |
| 957 | ** If there is another purple dragon, I will immediately find the explanation as to how this is possible. |
| 958 | * If it's a ''Franchise/MarvelCinematicUniverse'' fanfic: |
| 959 | ** My top priority is figuring out if the author is [[BrokenBase Team Cap or Team Iron Man.]] |
| 960 | *** If they're Team Iron Man, I will go to Tony and heap praises on him. If the fic is set post-Civil War and I was on the other side, I will claim to have been manipulated by Steve and/or Wanda. This will spare me most of the humiliation. |
| 961 | *** If they're Team Cap, I will search for said team and tell them I'm outraged by the Accords. If the fic is set post-Civil War and I was on the other side, I will chalk my behavior up to a misunderstanding. With all their righteousness they'll definitely forgive me. |
| 962 | ** If I find myself attracted to an Avenger I will ''not'' make the first move. If I'm not part of the preferred ship it will just end with me becoming bitter by the rejection or break-up. Instead I'll wait for them to take an interest in me or a dramatic accidental reveal that we've both been secretly pining for each other the entire time. |
| 963 | * If it's a ''WesternAnimation/MiraculousLadybug'' fanfic: |
| 964 | ** There is much that a fan author is willing to change about canon. The one thing that never changes is that ''Lila is a lying bitch and Marinette is right to dislike her''. The events ''surrounding'' this can still change wildly (Lila might or might not get redeemed, for example, or Lila's lies might serve primarily as a catalyst for someone ''else's'' villainy, possibly [[JumpingOffTheSlipperySlope Marinette herself]]), but the fact itself always remains true. The closest thing to an exception is fic in which [[ChuckCunninghamSyndrome Lila just doesn't appear at all]]. Accordingly: |
| 965 | *** I will '''''never''''' make any claim about Lila, especially not in earshot of her, which I cannot immediately prove true with cited sources that would make Website/ThatOtherWiki proud, and even then I will assume she is able to invent an innocent-sounding explanation consistent with my evidence. Whether she ''actually'' can do that [[DependingOnTheWriter will depend on the story]], but I don't want to be caught off-guard. |
| 966 | *** I will not directly confront Lila, nor confront any other person about her in a place where Lila could possibly overhear. Getting her attention isn't gonna work out any better for me than it did for Marinette. |
| 967 | *** Shortly after the second scarlet akuma incident (when Marinette was briefly expelled), Lila claims to have a "lying disease". If this has now become common knowledge, I will ''gently'' remind people to fact-check anything she says that seems a bit odd. If it hasn't become common knowledge, I will bring it up to Marinette and see if we can ''make'' it common knowledge. If the second scarlet akuma incident hasn't happened yet (or I'm not in a position to know, such as if I don't attend Collège Françoise Dupont), I'll fact-check things myself and keep notes on hand for when the "lying disease" story comes out. |
| 968 | *** Any person who takes Lila's side against Marinette is a DesignatedVillain in this story. I will avoid being this person at ''all costs''. As for anyone I care about who takes Lila's side, I will ''attempt'' to talk them out of this, but I will plan for its failure and not be shocked if it fails. They might or might not get better later. |
| 969 | *** It will, at some point, be brought up that Adrien told Marinette to take the high road and let Lila get herself caught. Either he is a dumbass (in which case he's probably a DesignatedVillain and I should prepare to see a new Black Cat superhero in the near future), or he didn't know ''how bad'' Lila's lies were getting (in which case he's trustworthy and I should get him on my side ASAP). I will distinguish between these two possibilities by telling him myself at the first opportunity -- with proof, as stated above. Conversely, if I ''am'' Adrien, I will tell Marinette my advice was ill-founded at my first opportunity. |
| 970 | *** If I ''am'' Lila, I will consider the merits of toning down my lies. I've already got half the school wrapped around my little finger just by virtue of being pretty and charismatic, and my classmates have enough real celebrity connections that my {{Celebrity Lie}}s aren't even having much impact. While the canon writers give them all the IdiotBall and make it impossible for anyone but Maribrat to see through me, I need to be aware that fanfic writers often take that protection away. [=AO3's=] Lila anon might tell them they're being delusional with their little stories, but that doesn't help ''me'' any. On the other hand, some fanfic authors will [[AdaptationalDumbass give them even bigger Idiot Balls than in canon]] to [[RonTheDeathEater make a point]], to the point I could probably claim to be God himself and they'd believe me. I'll at least keep my lies small-scale until I can tell what kind of story I'm in. |
| 971 | ** The golden rule of a salt fic: ''[[ProtagonistCenteredMorality Marinette is always right]]''. If I want to get out of the story without [[KarmicOverkill having my future, reputation, and life ruined]], I will never once imply that Marinette is anything but justified in whatever she does to her classmates. If possible, I'll keep a low profile so I can stay out of the drama. The exception, of course, is Marinette salt, which can sometimes be detected by noticing that Marinette has suddenly become way jerkier than usual without even ''attempting'' to justify herself. The attempting is important -- when her reasoning is obviously bad, that unfortunately doesn't distinguish between Marinette salt and ''badly-written'' every other kind of salt. |
| 972 | *** If I am in Madam Bustier's class, I will request a transfer. Salt fics tend to consider the entire class [[BystanderSyndrome complicit in their silence]], which inevitably leads to the fate I am trying to avoid. |
| 973 | *** If I hear ''anything'' about ''anyone'' from Marinette or her groupies, I will at least pretend I believe them. Most salt authors are fine with BlindObedience so long as [[ProtagonistCenteredMorality I'm blindly obedient]] ''[[ProtagonistCenteredMorality to Marinette]]''. |
| 974 | *** If a new fashion line shows up helmed by someone named "MDC" and all my classmates are curious as to who it could be, I will point out that there is only one person we know that both has the initials MDC and is into fashion. Seriously, [[PaperThinDisguise she can't keep getting away with something this stupid]], authorial retribution be damned. |
| 975 | *** If all else fails, [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I will move out of Paris]]. Shouldn't be too hard to convince my parents, considering we're all under threat by a magical supervillain. |
| 976 | *** If I ''am'' Marinette, I will consider the merits of not trying to take petty revenge. First of all, [[MoralMyopia I can't exactly claim the moral high ground if I'm just as spiteful as Chloe or Lila]]. Secondly, [[BecauseYouWereNiceToMe not being spiteful will increase the chances my classmates see the error of their ways and reconcile with me]]. Thirdly, there's always the chance I've landed in a salt fic {{Deconstruction}} and [[DisproportionateRetribution by pushing the envelope too far]], I've basically asked the author to [[LaserGuidedKarma smack the karma back in my face, with interest]]. |
| 977 | ** If it's a {{Crossover}} fanfic, then ascertaining whether or not I'm in a salt fic is more important than ever. If not, I'm free to engage--scroll down to the Crossover section for tips on what to do. If so, I will make myself scarce ''immediately''--the only reason salt authors write crossovers is to give Marinette additional resources and support to make her former friends' lives miserable, and the last thing I need is [[Fanfic/MaribatAU the Bat-Family]] or anyone similar at my neck. |
| 978 | ** Assuming the author hasn't [[RoleSwapAU shuffled things]] (check the superhero names; they usually change those too), Ladybug is Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Cat Noir is Adrien Agreste. Because I know this, I will do my best to cover for them when akumas attack and they need to get away and transform. And to not tear my hair out at the [[TwoPersonLoveTriangle Love Square antics]]. |
| 979 | ** If the author ''has'' shuffled things, I will search for the AU's superhero (and supervillain) identities in Marinette Dupain-Cheng's class and their parents. |
| 980 | ** Most authors ship the Love Square, but not all. |
| 981 | *** If anyone acts {{Entitled to Have|You}} someone, I'm in a salt fic and they're a DesignatedVillain.[[note]]With the exception of Lila towards Adrien, which would just be the author writing her accurately. She might still be the villain, though.[[/note]] I'll keep my distance from them, but keep my eyes open for the possibility of them getting a HeelRealization towards the end of the fic. |
| 982 | *** If Marinette or Adrien expresses attraction towards the same gender, they're either in an IncompatibleOrientation situation or a MarryThemAll one. These fics are usually pretty peaceful, so I won't worry further about the romantic side of the plot, but I'll keep an eye out for anyone suddenly becoming a HeteronormativeCrusader. |
| 983 | *** If ''one'' of Marinette or Adrien is inexplicably OutOfFocus, I'm in a fic focusing on the other one getting shipped with some other person. I won't get too attached to the missing one, in case they get KilledOffscreen, but otherwise there's not much to worry about. If I ''am'' the one who's gone out of focus, I'll spend my time trying to make friends and possible romances with anyone else who's offscreen, though it's obviously hard to express any agency in this state. |
| 984 | *** If ''both'' Marinette and Adrien are inexplicably OutOfFocus, I'm in a BetaCouple fic, most likely [=DJWifi=] but feasibly any non-Love Square pairing. These rarely cause problems that I would need to worry about, but I'll keep an eye out for any DerailingLoveInterests. |
| 985 | *** If Hawk Moth seems to make a HeelFaceTurn, I'm most likely in a [=GabeNath=] redemption fic.[[note]]If there's a sudden late funeral for Emilie Agreste, especially with an actual body, and this isn't the direct result of Hawk Moth being unmasked, then I'm ''definitely'' in a [=GabeNath=] fic of one flavor or another.[[/note]] These deal with complicated issues of morality that can't reasonably be boiled down to a simple "genre savvy guide" checklist. I will use my best judgement, but most of these fics present Adrien as having whichever opinion the author deems "correct", so he'll serve as a decent weathervane if I'm severely uncertain of anything. This goes double if I ''am'' Gabriel or Nathalie. |
| 986 | *** If the author has [[RoleSwapAU shuffled around the hero identities]], it's very likely that they ship the new Ladybug with the new Black Cat. I will figure out who these people are, so I can cover for them when they need to escape for akuma fights. My first stop will be seeing who in Marinette's class has crushes on each other that they're too socially awkward to express. This goes double if I ''am'' the new Ladybug or Black Cat. |
| 987 | *** If I am a Miraculous user, and the set of "people I am attracted to and people attracted to me" contains both heroes and mundanes, the probability that some of those identities are the same person is 1. What to do with this information depends on the circumstances too heavily to be summed up in a simple genre savvy guide checklist, but it is usually ''very'' obvious in context, because Miraculous fan-authors ''love'' DramaticIrony. |
| 988 | ** ''Gabriel Agreste is probably Hawk Moth'', trying to get the Miraculous Wish to revive Emilie Agreste (who is being stored in some kind of stasis chamber in his basement). I will treat this information like the nuclear bomb it is, and use it ''very'' carefully: |
| 989 | *** I will ''not'' attempt to convince someone of Hawk Moth's identity without having definitive proof in my possession. For one thing, going around making unfounded accusations is just a bad look, but more importantly, Hawk Moth's identity ''is'' still one of the things authors are willing to change about canon, if much less often these days, so gathering this proof will avoid the scenario where I run my mouth off and then turn out to have landed in an AU where Hawk Moth is someone else. |
| 990 | *** Even ''with'' proof, I will never try to tell Gabriel's assistant that she's working for Hawk Moth -- she already knows, is on his side, and would most likely just dispose of me. For similar reasons, I will avoid Tomoe Tsurugi. |
| 991 | *** I will ''not'' confront Gabriel himself. There is no good outcome to this. Even if I'm in an AU where he's not Hawk Moth at all, I've still just accused a major fashion mogul of being a supervillain. |
| 992 | *** If I ''am'' Gabriel Agreste, and I'm still Hawk Moth in this universe, I'll keep my eye out for [[NewTransferStudent sudden transfer students]] and/or students who [[RememberTheNewGuy by all available evidence have been here for ages but I can't recall ever having seen or heard of until recently]]. [[OriginalCharacter These students]] have a curious tendency to figure things out far more effectively than anyone else, even when they're not [[MediaTransmigration straight-up cheating with extrauniversal knowledge]]. And if they don't figure me out themselves, there's still a high chance for them to somehow be the catalyst for Ladybug and Cat Noir to suddenly put things together. |
| 993 | ** If I'm having a bad day and Hawk Moth offers me superpowers to solve all my problems, I will ''try'' to deny the offer, but seeing as there's clearly some magic involved, I won't feel too bad if the next thing I know it's four hours later and Ladybug and Cat Noir are helping me out of a crater where the Eiffel Tower used to be. Similarly, I won't blame anyone ''else'' for getting akumatized. It's not their fault or mine that Paris is under siege by a magical emotional terrorist. |
| 994 | ** I will ''not'' get an Alliance ring. If anyone questions me on this, I'll give the same kind of reasoning people cite for avoiding Alexa and Google Assistant and all these other home assistants. (I will also try to use this reasoning to persuade those close to me to avoid Alliance themselves, but I won't get too invested in that because the people who used Alexa and Google Assistant and all those others have shown that this is just a really hard thing to convince people of.) If anyone gets me such a ring as a gift, I will remove the battery, store the whole thing away in my deepest closet, and "forget" it as quickly as possible. |
| 995 | ** If Bunnyx ever pops out of a time portal to warn me I'm about to make a huge mistake, I will ''believe her''. I will also, if I get the chance, ask politely for details on what I should be doing instead, and any other information that strikes me as useful. If she gives no answer or an incomplete answer, I will accept this. TimeIsDangerous, and she's the expert, not me. This goes double if I ''am'' Bunnyx. |
| 996 | * If it's a ''WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic'' fanfic: |
| 997 | ** Above all else, I will be friendly - If my author has chosen ''this'' universe to write in, they likely believe in its message, and being antisocial or rude without a charming reason is asking to be unceremoniously shown up or taught a lesson. I will remain hopeful, no matter how much of a CrapsackWorld I live in. |
| 998 | ** That being said, those friends I've made are always at risk of BreakTheCutie, especially if they're a canon character. I will be wary of any sudden behavioral shifts or fixations that may spell a [[Fanfic/CupcakesSergeantSprinkles basement fate for me]]; ponies are easy to break. |
| 999 | ** As with the Furry rules, that Human is always the main character. I will treat him well and listen to what he says, no matter how asinine it may be. |
| 1000 | ** As a matter of fact, all Fantasy and Furry rules are in effect, unless, of course... |
| 1001 | ** I have teleported to Earth. In this case, I will find a computer- the internet has many, many fans of my kind, and should I find one sane and nearby, they will be willing to help hide me from the Government and return me home. I will provide photographic evidence that I am indeed the species I claim to be, and not some [[Fanfic/FiveScoreDividedByFour intense roleplay.]] |
| 1002 | ** The easiest way to identify my genre is to look at the historical disposition of the princesses- I want Her Majesty Celestia to be at least a well meaning mentor, at best a playful prankster, at at worst a [[GodSaveUsFromTheQueen tyrannical dictator.]] |
| 1003 | ** I will get no funny ideas about exploiting magic or the elements for fun or profit. If I am an Element of Harmony, I will be aware that my status is a ''privilege'', not a ''right''. |
| 1004 | ** I will stay out of the woods. |
| 1005 | ** I will leave Ponyville immediately, especially if a mysterious stranger has just moved in/been found unconscious on the outskirts. Canterlot is wonderful this time of year. |
| 1006 | ** I will double check, triple check, and quadruple check that I understand how to perform my powerful spell before I do so. I will ensure I am in a safe room with no disturbances, and that I have at least one friend on standby. I will take no chances whatsoever, lest I find myself in another planet, time period, or staring down my genderswapped doppelganger. |
| 1007 | ** If a friend or family member suddenly turns out to be a Changeling, I will hear them out from a safe distance. There is a good chance they have been my friend all along. |
| 1008 | * In the ''Pokemon''-universe, I will never trust anyone accompanied by a Hypno. Given [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast the name of the species]], the reason for this should be [[MindControl fairly obvious]]. |
| 1009 | * If it’s a ''Literature/ASongOfIceAndFire'' fanfic: |
| 1010 | ** Doesn’t matter which side I’m on: I will ''not'' say Sansa Stark is too good for Sandor Clegane. If they’re shipped, they ''are'' shipped, and anyone who disagrees is at risk to be killed or humiliated by the author. |
| 1011 | ** I will not try to say cousin marriage is bad. It will piss off both main sides of the conflict, since Jon Snow is usually either with his cousin or his aunt. Who has dragons. |
| 1012 | ** As in the case of Harry Potter fanfics, I will search for a chance to take a ship to the Jade Sea or some other place ''very'' far away that even GRRM doesn’t bother with. |
| 1013 | ** I will find out at the first opportunity whether it’s a book fanfic or TV fanfic (or, shudder, a mixed-canon one) and plan my escape… er, life accordingly. |
| 1014 | ** If I’m Sansa or a self-insert into Sansa and this is the books’ universe, I’ll do all I can to marry Willas Tyrell and get out of the capital. A minute before leaving, I’ll leave a note to Tyrion Lannister describing in detail [[spoiler:the actions of Petyr Baelish]]. |
| 1015 | *** Even if the self-insert into Sansa occurs before the canon events, I’ll beg for a betrothal to Willas Tyrell and preferably a fostering in Highgarden. There’s no need to deal with violent drunks, creepy perverts, ugly husbands with a BigScrewedUpFamily or suchlike. |
| 1016 | *** If I’m already stuck in the canon timeline, I will find out who I’m paired with as quickly as possible. If it’s Littlefinger, I’ll put up with his creepiness because it’s really true love. |
| 1017 | *** No matter whether Sandor/Sansa is the endgame, I will put up with the Hound’s behavior because it’s really true love, practically always. |
| 1018 | ** If I am Arya Stark or a self-insert into her, I am free to do anything I want (from flying dragons to practicing polyamory) with no bad consequences, as long as it is unladylike enough. |
| 1019 | ** If Robb and Catelyn Stark are alive, I’ll make sure the author hasn’t [[RonTheDeathEater turned them]] into narrow-minded jerkasses with no political, social or any other skills before siding with them. |
| 1020 | ** If anyone is acting very out of character or appears in a place where they weren’t supposed to be, that’s a cause for immediate alarm. Either it’s a very bad fic with no logic, or it’s a TrollFic which is arguably even worse, or the character in question is a Faceless Man. |
| 1021 | * If it's a ''Franchise/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles'' fanfic: |
| 1022 | ** For the love of god, I will '''KEEP AWAY FROM [[MutagenicGoo OOZE]]'''. Even if I don't want to remain human, the ooze is far too much of a crapshoot to ''ever'' be worth it. |
| 1023 | *** If I absolutely ''must'' interact with the ooze, I will do so in a full hazard containment suit and handle it with tongs if I need to pick it up. [[WesternAnimation/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles2012 If for some godforsaken reason I have a]] ''[[WesternAnimation/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles2012 vat]]'' [[WesternAnimation/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles2012 of the stuff]], I will at least ''put a lid on it''. |
| 1024 | ** There are many things about TMNT canon that vary depending on incarnation. One of these things is [[InterpretativeCharacter the moral alignment of the characters]]. [[DracoInLeatherPants Add in]] [[RonTheDeathEater fanfiction habits]] and figuring out who to side with can be a minefield. As such, I will look for the side that has the majority of these characters--the turtles, April, Casey, and Splinter--and join them, because they are generally on the side the author deems "correct". |
| 1025 | ** If I see the turtles committing a crime on the news, I will immediately assume everything is not as it seems and we are dealing with either slander, a frame-up, brainwashing, or simple misinterpretation; if I can, I'll get the full story from the turtles themselves. |
| 1026 | |
| 1027 | [[AC: Crossovers]] |
| 1028 | * First thing's first: if at all possible, I will familiarize myself with the other half of the crossover. |
| 1029 | * I will not engage ''anyone'' from the other half in a fair fight [[PowerCreepPowerSeep unless I know it will be fair]]. |
| 1030 | * If I meet someone whose powers, tech, and/or skillset are so different from mine and what I'm used to as to give me whiplash, I will assume that they are a crossover character. If they start asking about people, places, or things I have never heard of, they are ''definitely'' a crossover character. |
| 1031 | ** If I ''am'' the displaced crossover character, I will not outright say so. That's a good way to be dismissed as delusional. Instead, I will wait for them to come to the conclusion on their own (they usually do). |
| 1032 | * I will not automatically assume I am stronger than everyone else in the other half by default. Oh, sure, plenty of characters ''are'', whether due to actual skill or author favoritism, but just as many ''aren't'', and [[PowerCreepPowerSeep even if they would be canonically, there's nothing stopping the author from messing with our power levels to make things fair]]. |
| 1033 | [[/folder]] |
| 1034 | |
| 1035 | [[folder:Films]] |
| 1036 | [[AC: General]] |
| 1037 | * If possible, I will become the {{narrator}} and always speak of the film as portraying past events that I survived intact. |
| 1038 | * I will be in a 70-minute film. Unlike a 2-hour movie, its events will not be padded out for runtime. In fact, many 70-minute animated/action films have more action than 2-hour movies. |
| 1039 | |
| 1040 | [[AC: Judd Apatow's films]] |
| 1041 | * I will try to be as average-looking as possible, but funny. Definitely funny. If this is the case, I'll be getting tail like nobody's business. |
| 1042 | * I will try to be the "leader" of my group. This will mean I will be landing the most attractive female. |
| 1043 | * I will by no means attempt to improve my life. Self-improvement is for losers. Chicks dig unattractive, funny guys who still work in retail. Besides, my life will probably improve anyways once I get handed a great new job or promotion I may or may not have ever been shown working hard to receive. |
| 1044 | * If I'm in a relationship with the lead female at the beginning of the movie, I will just save myself the time and trouble and break up with her now. She will be ending up with the average-looking funny guy who still works in retail. |
| 1045 | |
| 1046 | [[AC: LifetimeMovieOfTheWeek]] |
| 1047 | * I will make sure that the legal measures I am presently taking will allow me to keep my baby for the rest of my life. I don't want to get jerked around by any more lawyers. |
| 1048 | * Building on that, I will go and get a ''female'' lawyer the first thing I do. |
| 1049 | * I will avoid the male gender at all costs. They are only out to get me. I will make an exception for the childhood friend who has no romantic interest in me, because he won't be ''as'' evil as the rest of them. |
| 1050 | ** In fact, I'll have to put him on notice, too. The nicer and more supportive he is, the more likely it'll become that he gets murdered by my evil husband, boyfriend, stalker or whatever. |
| 1051 | ** If he happens to be a GayBestFriend, then I'd better just cut the crap and see if there are any secure bomb shelters in the area he can hide in 'til this whole thing blows over; [[BuryYourGays there's no way he's getting out of this alive otherwise]]. |
| 1052 | * I will believe any and all stories about the man I am about to marry: allegations that he has a secret second family; that he's really an AxCrazy murderer; and other unflattering accusations and profiles; these will all be completely true by the end of the movie. |
| 1053 | * I will not have children. It never helps things. They only end up used as bargaining chips in kidnappings anyway. |
| 1054 | ** If I must have children, they will be wearing tracking devices at all times. I will have a network of people just making sure that they're OK everywhere they go. When any daughters I have turn 13, I will send them out of town to live with relatives until they're able to work through whatever life issues they will no doubt develop. |
| 1055 | * I will go to the cops the instant my husband shows the slightest hint of being abusive. |
| 1056 | ** Unless the cops are male. Then I'll just have no choice but to kill him. |
| 1057 | ** In fact, I should probably just kill him anyway; nobody on this network is going to penalize me very much for killing an abusive [[TheUnfairSex male]]; in the eyes of the TargetAudience, [[PayEvilUntoEvil I shouldn't be punished because he deserves to die]]. |
| 1058 | * When I am in the hospital giving birth to my child, I will make sure that my room is secure and there is a sign-in sheet on the front door. Only female doctors will be allowed in. I will tell my terrible, awful baby daddy that I'm giving birth at another hospital on the other side of town. Finally, I will make absolutely sure that the child is legally mine and that no one can take him/her from me. |
| 1059 | * If I am male, I will identify the heroine as quickly as possible and ''stay away from her''. The less screentime I get, the better. |
| 1060 | ** If I ''absolutely must'' be around her (for work-related reasons or something), I will remain cold and aloof at all times, and use any excuse I can find to be in a different city. The less I interact with her, the better. |
| 1061 | ** If I can't get out of it, I will, at the earliest opportunity, smash a hole in the FourthWall and brutally murder the writing staff and the producers in revenge for every indignity they would no doubt subject me to. That will at least mean if I'm the villain, I've earned it rightfully. |
| 1062 | * Better yet, I will cross-dress. I'm male. What the hell am I doing on this network, anyway? |
| 1063 | * Even better, If I am offered to be on this network before the above future indignities occur, [[JustEatGilligan I will decline said offer, no matter how well it pays]], [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere and haul ass outta the vicinity as soon as possible]]. |
| 1064 | * While jogging, I will never wear headphones that block out all sounds. If I feel the need to stop and stretch, I will either suppress that desire or find a very well-lit and crowded public place. |
| 1065 | ** In fact, screw it; I'll simply buy a treadmill and get my cardio in at home. Jogging outdoors seems to always lead to [[JoggersFindDeath either finding a corpse or ending up as one]]. This step can also provide some additional cover should I find myself in a horror story or police procedural. |
| 1066 | |
| 1067 | [[AC:War Movies]] |
| 1068 | * See JustForFun/HowToSurviveAWarMovie. |
| 1069 | [[/folder]] |
| 1070 | |
| 1071 | [[folder:Mythology]] |
| 1072 | [[AC:General]] |
| 1073 | * I will not question, challenge, or disrespect the gods for any reason. Even if [[StrawmanHasAPoint they are objectively wrong and I am objectively right]], the very fact that the gods of most mythology are JerkassGods means that the ignorant and primitive humans who came up with this mythology are still stuck in the MightMakesRight and ProtagonistCenteredMorality stage of moral development, so the universe will go out of its way to torment me and I will have no recourse. |
| 1074 | ** I will also read the Fanfic section of this list, and take the same advice, replacing only “the nearest OC” with “the gods”. |
| 1075 | [[AC:Greek Mythology]] |
| 1076 | * I will not try to avert [[TheProphecy prophecy]]. [[SelfFulfillingProphecy It never ends well for me]]. |
| 1077 | * If a prophecy can be interpreted in two or more ways, [[ProphecyTwist I will assume the interpretation that is the least beneficial to me is the correct one]]. |
| 1078 | * If my leader happens to do something that displeases me jut to spite me, I will not [[AchillesInHisTent sulk while everyone goes to battle]] and let my boyfriend die because he tried to impersonate me. |
| 1079 | * If I want someone dead, I will [[WhyDontYaJustShootHim personally see to their execution]]. Under no circumstance will I: |
| 1080 | ** Give them an arbitrary number of [[ImpossibleTask impossible tasks]]. Odds are they will [[ImpossibleTaskInstantlyAccomplished accomplish them instantly]], then kill me. |
| 1081 | ** Leave them in the wilderness to die. Odds are they will survive, then kill me. |
| 1082 | ** Lock them up somewhere and leave them to die. Odds are they will get out, then kill me. |
| 1083 | * [[DoNotTauntCthulhu I will not test the gods]]. [[IronicHell Tartaros]] is filled with people who tried that and learned their lesson. |
| 1084 | * I will trust my lover. That way if I ever have to [[OrpheanRescue retrieve them from the underworld]], I will not lose her forever because I looked back. |
| 1085 | * On that note, if I am ever in the underworld, I will not [[FoodChains eat anything there]]. |
| 1086 | * I will not attempt to [[RageAgainstTheHeavens storm Mount Olympus]]. It never ends well. |
| 1087 | * I will properly worship Dionysus, so I won't get [[Theatre/{{Bacchae}} shred to pieces by his Maenades]]. |
| 1088 | * I will properly worship Aphrodite, she might be able to [[PygmalionPlot bring my waifu to life]]. |
| 1089 | * If my lover claims to be a [[PhysicalGod god]], [[YouCannotGraspTheTrueForm I will not ask them to prove it by showing me their true form]]. |
| 1090 | * I will not harm or even just ''offend'' guests in my house in any way whatsoever. Even if they're not actually a [[GodGuise disguised god]], they are almost surely ''protected'' by them. |
| 1091 | |
| 1092 | [[AC: Hindu Mythology]] |
| 1093 | '''If I am an Asura:''' |
| 1094 | * I will not ask for a boon of absolute immortality/indestructibility from Brahma or Shiva because: |
| 1095 | ** Nothing lasts forever. |
| 1096 | ** They won't bestow such a boon on me in any case. |
| 1097 | * I will not ask to be killed under improbable/impossible circumstances because: |
| 1098 | ** The gods are famous for exploiting loopholes in the boons. |
| 1099 | ** Lord Vishnu can bend the rules of the universe if it means killing me. |
| 1100 | ** Even if I don't misuse my boon, the conditions of my death will manifest one way or the other. |
| 1101 | * Once I obtain a boon of invincibility, I will not gloat about being the supreme being of this world. If I had to take the trouble to request the boon from an entity, then logically, that entity is clearly superior to me. |
| 1102 | * When I conquer the three worlds (netherworld, earth, heavens), I will govern them equitably and not flaunt my ego. |
| 1103 | * I will not cherish the kingship of the three worlds for more than a few millennia, or else the gods will cause trouble. I will voluntarily abdicate my throne in favor of a qualified heir, go to the forests and meditate for the rest of my life. |
| 1104 | ''' If I am the King:''' |
| 1105 | * I will not offend the Brahmanas under any circumstance. 90% of the problems begin when someone foolishly offends them. |
| 1106 | ** On the other hand, I will not blindly obey the Brahmanas. There is a chance that someone might be posing as one to deceive me. |
| 1107 | ** In that case, I will appoint a highly qualified Brahmana or a renowned sage and consult him frequently on relevant matters. |
| 1108 | * When out for hunting, I will make sure I watch the prey carefully before shooting. Or else I might end up injuring a cow or worse, a Brahmana. |
| 1109 | ** I will ensure not to stray away from my retinue while hunting. |
| 1110 | ** I shall hunt only if the forests are becoming too dangerous for people and not for pleasure. |
| 1111 | * When offered a boon, I will not ask for a hundred or thousand sons. Even if I were a good father, the concept is impractical, and in most cases my sons will end up dying horribly. One accomplished son who will certainly perpetuate my lineage is more than enough and I will obtain this boon ''before'' I am married. |
| 1112 | * I will practice monogamy. Having multiple wives sounds fantastic but it may cause conflicts between my children. |
| 1113 | * I will not abduct a princess during a Swayamvara [[note]]A ceremony where a princess is allowed to choose a groom among assembled suitors and marry him.[[/note]], unless we are in love with each other. |
| 1114 | ** On second thoughts, if she really loves me, then I will approach her family before they hold a Swayamvara. If they approve of me, I will marry the princess or else, I will depart quietly. |
| 1115 | ** I will not abduct a princess on behalf of someone else. If he is strong, then he should prove it himself. |
| 1116 | * If some prince challenges me to a game of dice (gambling), I will not accept it under any circumstance. It is disastrous for both parties. |
| 1117 | ** In the same vein, I will abstain from alcohol, just to be on the safer side. |
| 1118 | * I will always remember that arrogance has ruined more kings than wars have. Therefore, I will be considerate towards all my subjects and family members. |
| 1119 | * If I feel envious of some king, I will try to surpass him with my own merit instead of trying to ruin or slander him. |
| 1120 | * Ultimately, I will keep a copy of the Nitisara (book of policy) and habitually read them. I will compare them to my experiences and thus act with tact and wisdom. |
| 1121 | |
| 1122 | [[AC:Abrahamic Mythologies]] |
| 1123 | * I will always figure out what the OneTrueFaith is, and ''stick to it''. |
| 1124 | * If I'm a king of a pagan country - ''especially'' if I'm in a book called ''"The Martyrdom of St. '''[X]'''"'' - I will tolerate any weird foreign missionaries that show up. If I insist on persecuting them, I will use non-violent means like expulsion instead of killing them. DontCreateAMartyr should be my #1 rule at all times. Better yet, I’ll just convert to their faith—''if and only if'' the faith requires I repent of my wicked ways, since otherwise it’s just some [[ScamReligion scam]] to trick me into martyring God’s true followers when they show up shortly thereafter. |
| 1125 | ** I will never request a miracle from the weird foreign missionaries because [[MagicIsEvil there is a good chance anyone who works one is faking it]]. |
| 1126 | * When someone demands I repent of my sins and convert, I will do it immediately. I will not dither, lest I die that very night and go straight to hell. |
| 1127 | * If I am a pagan living in the land of Canaan and news comes of a thousands-strong Hebrew army coming out of Egypt that has slaughtered every nation in its way and always prevailed no matter how outnumbered, I will get the fuck out of there and never return, and put as much distance between myself and ''the Levant'' as possible, since even the Transjordan is not safe. Oh, and I will praise the Hebrews’ God for delivering me from this fate, and never worship an idol again. |
| 1128 | ** If I am a prophet of some other god, and the God of Israel appears to me directly and tells me I will bless His people, I will ''not'' then accept a commission from a pagan king to curse Israel. If for some idiotic reason I do so anyway, and the One True God gives my mount the gift of speech just to warn me to turn back lest I die, not only will I recognize a donkey talking as the sign from God that it is, but I will turn back, immediately bless Israel, and then flee the country just like in the first bullet point. By no means will I ''ever'' go to the Israelite camp and persuade them to worship gods that I ''know'' are false, considering that ''the Lord God spoke to me'', because such a spiteful act will only ensure I get killed and remembered as a villain for the rest of time. |
| 1129 | * If I am rich, I will give as much of my wealth to help the poor as I can, even if I have to lower my living standards to do so, and even better yet, try to figure out why people are poor so as to try to fix the problem. Literally the only reason I’m not poor now is because God gave me my wealth, and He can take it away just as easily if I disobey His word (which includes charity and generosity). |
| 1130 | [[/folder]] |
| 1131 | |
| 1132 | [[folder:Music]] |
| 1133 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=2 101 Rules of Black Metal]] |
| 1134 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=20 101 Rules of Death Metal]] |
| 1135 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=82 101 Rules of Thrash Metal]] |
| 1136 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=5 196 Rules of Doom Metal]] |
| 1137 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=58 101 Rules of New Wave of British Heavy Metal]] |
| 1138 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=4 101 Rules of Nu Metal]] |
| 1139 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=6 101 Rules of Power Metal]] |
| 1140 | ** [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=7 The Epic Sequel to the 101 Rules of Power Metal]] |
| 1141 | * [[http://www.metalstorm.ee/pub/fun_comments.php?fun_id=3 101 Rules of Prog Metal]] |
| 1142 | * I will never, ever, ever bite the hand that feeds me. I remember how well that worked out for some dude named Sanjaya. |
| 1143 | * I will develop ''rudimentary'' song-writing skills. (Notice I said ''rudimentary'' for a reason.) My mentors can take me only so far; eventually, I will have to build an identity of my own. |
| 1144 | ** However, remembering how well this worked for Music/KellyClarkson, I will not over-estimate the quality of said skills, insisting on publishing an album of only my songs if my mentors and my label don't think it's a good idea. |
| 1145 | * I will wait, or I will anticipate, but [[StockRhymes doing both at the same time]] these days is just so ''gauche''. |
| 1146 | [[/folder]] |
| 1147 | |
| 1148 | [[folder:Opera]] |
| 1149 | * I will keep in mind that my antagonist can suddenly turn out to be my long-lost close relative or the latter's LoveInterest. |
| 1150 | * I will not eat or drink anything before getting it tasted. I will also be very careful with any unexpected gifts, even if they are supposedly from someone I know. |
| 1151 | * If I have clues that suggest my LoveInterest is cheating, I will kindly and calmly talk to them in person. If the love interest isn't close by and telephones aren't invented yet, I will try to think it over reasonably and, again, keep my cool. |
| 1152 | * If my LoveInterest ''is'' cheating, I will still try to settle the affair calmly and ''not'' throw myself into a murderous rage. |
| 1153 | * If someone wants to kill me, I will sing a long and heartbreakingly touching aria ''before'' they do it. This way, it would be rather awkward for my enemies to kill me after that, since two long touching arias in a row from the same character is a bit too much. |
| 1154 | * If the libretto contains fantasy elements, I will bear in mind that opera magic works pretty randomly (apart from love potions; these never fail). |
| 1155 | * Before confessing my love to someone, I will make sure there is no accidental mistaken identity involved. Confessing your love to someone whose face is hidden is particularly risky. |
| 1156 | * I will not wear veils, large hats, masks or anything that can lead to a case of mistaken identity. |
| 1157 | * If I am elderly and single, I will bear in mind that, with very, very few exceptions, MayDecemberRomance is a bad idea. |
| 1158 | * If I am a character tenor, I will make sure I'm as plot-relevant as possible. When opera gets abridged for a larger audience, irrelevant character tenors are the first to go. Same applies to non-singing roles. |
| 1159 | * I will make sure to sing at least one aria which is very touching, very catchy and/or very difficult to perform. It probably won't help me in terms of plot, but it will make me memorable with the audiences. |
| 1160 | * If I am a kindhearted and naive soprano character, I will not fall in love with the apparent TenorBoy too hurriedly. Sometimes he really turns out to be a selfish jerk who will cheat on me the moment I turn my back. Alternately, he might be revealed as a crazy {{Yandere}}. |
| 1161 | * I will not believe rumors of anyone's death unless I actually see the body (and even then, it won't hurt to double-check). |
| 1162 | * I will always speak as clearly as possible to avoid any accidental double meanings behind my words. In particular, when I am talking to a character I'm not interested in, I won't sound like I'm trying to confess my love to them, and vice versa, if I want to confess my love to someone, I will say it plainly at once. |
| 1163 | * If the opera is based on historical events, I will remember the wide use of ArtisticLicenseHistory among opera librettists. Maybe my historical counterpart survived the events in question... but that doesn't guarantee ''I'' will. Nor vice-versa. |
| 1164 | * Prophecies, curses and forebodings [[PropheciesAreAlwaysRight always come true]], and it can help to remember the ExactWords of these. |
| 1165 | * If I am male, I will not try to steal the wife/girlfriend of my closest friend. In the long run, it's not worth it, and it nearly always leads to somebody getting killed. |
| 1166 | * Unless it's the final scene, I will not risk [[IGaveMyWord swearing any solemn vows]], even if I am one hundred percent certain ''now'' that I'll be able to keep them. |
| 1167 | * If I have a StalkerWithACrush, I will get a restraining order against them or, if the setting doesn't allow it, inform the authorities at the first signs of red-flag behavior from them. If said StalkerWithACrush ''is'' one of the authorities, I will move to a different jurisdiction, once again, immediately after observing any suspicious behavior. |
| 1168 | * For Italian opera: |
| 1169 | ** If I am a mezzo-soprano character and the tenor is in love with the soprano, I will gracefully step back and arrange their wedding. No good ''ever'' comes from doing otherwise. |
| 1170 | ** If I am a baritone, I will be the tenor's best and closest friend. If possible, I'll find a badass love interest to equal me and leave the naive soprano to her TenorBoy. If I'm intent on marrying this soprano and no one else, I will try to peacefully persuade the two of them they don't match. |
| 1171 | ** If I am a deep-voiced father, I will be careful with raising my children, so that they wouldn't turn out TooDumbToLive. This way, they would choose their love interests wisely, and I wouldn't even have to interfere. |
| 1172 | * For German Romantic opera: |
| 1173 | ** If I am a tenor, I will not rush to plot against the evil-looking baritone. I will first check which of us is the heroine's true love: it might be the baritone. Even if he isn't, he might be a very TragicVillain and the heroine would mourn his death. |
| 1174 | * For Russian Romantic opera: |
| 1175 | ** If I am a lyrical tenor, I will devote myself entirely to my studies until I get old and wise. Then I will pop up in the plot with wisdom-filled prophetic monologues. A TenorBoy is likely to die, an OldMaster is not. |
| 1176 | ** If I am a lyrical tenor already caught up in a romantic plot and a mezzo/contralto love interest is available, I will stick to her. The mezzo heroines are more charismatic than the soprano ones and, more often than not, [[PerfectlyArrangedMarriage the match is very advantageous]]. |
| 1177 | ** If I am male, I will not [[BettyAndVeronica dump my passionate lover and go for a gentle and pure soprano]], no matter how beautiful the latter might be. |
| 1178 | ** If I am the WomanScorned, I will not avenge myself on the soprano on whom my former lover sets his sights, because she is completely innocent and doesn't reciprocate his feelings. |
| 1179 | * For baroque opera: |
| 1180 | ** If I am a hero suffering from UnrequitedLove, I won't bother with it too much. Eventually, either my love interest will fall in love with me, or I will fall in love with someone else. So I won't waste my time on {{Wangst}}, instead focusing on heroic deeds. |
| 1181 | ** If I am a villain suffering from UnrequitedLove, I will [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere just leave the plot setting as quickly as possible]], because otherwise, I will be killed off. |
| 1182 | [[/folder]] |
| 1183 | |
| 1184 | [[folder:Pro Wrestling]] |
| 1185 | * If I'm in the same promotion as Hulk Hogan, I will verify if he is the traditional, heroic Hulkster or if he's in his Hollywood persona. |
| 1186 | ** If I'm a villain and Hogan is in red and yellow, I will avoid facing him at all costs. |
| 1187 | ** If I have to face him, and I get to the inevitable part of the match where he starts hulking up, I will immediately attempt a sleeper hold, or my finishing move. Anything except punching him. If I punch him, I will lose. |
| 1188 | ** I will not try to defeat him by submission, however. Unless I am Brock Lesnar, this will not work. |
| 1189 | ** If I somehow manage to defeat him, I will refuse to grant him a rematch. I will lose that rematch, and being one of the few people Hogan has never beat will make me more of a threat. |
| 1190 | ** If I beat him for the title and he gets a title rematch, I will immediately get myself [=DQed=]. That's my only hope. |
| 1191 | ** If I am a hero, I will befriend Hulk Hogan, but not be a hanger-on to him. Being friends with the Hulkster means I have a trump card ally. Being close friends to him will make me a target of every villain who is fueding with him. |
| 1192 | ** If he's Hollywood, I will attempt to remove his posse from the equation if at all possible. If I cannot do this before the match, I will bring backup to neutralize any run-in attempts. |
| 1193 | ** My backup will not consist of anyone I've had a storied relationship with, good or bad. An old rival is likely to betray me. A good friend will almost certainly betray me. I will also turn down anyone who volunteers to be my backup without me asking them. They will also certainly betray me. |
| 1194 | ** Whoever I select as my backup will not be allowed to wear any T-shirts, jackets, or anything else that can be used to conceal a T-shirt underneath. This will reduce the odds of my backup betraying me significantly. |
| 1195 | ** I will instruct that my backup that if they manage to send Hogan's lackeys to the backstage, or if no lackeys show up to the match at all, that they are to immediately go to the back and remain there. Anyone who doesn't do this is going to betray me. |
| 1196 | ** Should anyone who shows red flags that they are about to double-cross me, I will immediately hit Hogan with my biggest move and attempt to pin him before the traitor can interfere. I will ignore the traitor, because paying attention to him is part of Hogan's plan. |
| 1197 | ** Even though this version of Hogan will give up in a submission move, I will not attempt to put him in a submission, because the referee is approximately three times more likely to miss the tapout than he is to fail to notice I've pinned Hogan, and if this happens, Hogan's victory is inevitable. |
| 1198 | * I will not, for any reason, attempt to powerbomb Billy Kidman. |
| 1199 | * I will also not attempt a hurricanrana on Chris Jericho, or any high flying move on Randy Orton. |
| 1200 | * If my opponent is a Pacific Islander, I will not attempt to headbutt him or her. |
| 1201 | * Unless my last name is Anderson and I am from Minnesota, I will never trust Ric Flair. Especially if I'm Sting. |
| 1202 | * If I am in a tag team and we're in a slump, or just lost the titles, or lost a match because of a miscommunication, I will accept the blame. |
| 1203 | ** If my partner doesn't seem satisfied by this, or seems too satisfied by this, I will betray him before he betrays me. The backstabber is stastically the one more likely to win the rivalry and if it's going to be him or me, I'd rather it be me. |
| 1204 | ** Furthermore I will always be a team player and part ways with any tag team partner who thinks it's all about him. Amicably, if possible. |
| 1205 | * If a team of three are surrounding the ring, I will wait until they get on the apron, and leave the ring through the side that no member is on. For some reason, nobody ever tries this. |
| 1206 | *I will ensure that my diet is rich in Vitamin D, and will immediately leave the ring should the lights go out unexpectantly. |
| 1207 | ** If I hear the sound of a bell, I will leave even faster. |
| 1208 | * If I'm in a ladder match, I will not dive from the ladder until someone else has already tried to. This will improve my chances of victory significantly. |
| 1209 | ** Unless one of my opponents is Jeff Hardy. Then all bets are off. |
| 1210 | * I will not accept any opportunity, special or otherwise, from Dario Cueto. |
| 1211 | * If I am in ECW, I will never issue an open challenge. |
| 1212 | [[/folder]] |
| 1213 | |
| 1214 | [[folder:Video Games]] |
| 1215 | !!! General |
| 1216 | * If I ever meet someone with an odd hair, skin or eye color I will instantly pay attention to them. |
| 1217 | ** On the chance that said person is a [[WhiteHairBlackHeart white haired man who looks particularly effeminate]], then I will maintain a healthy skepticism and ready myself for combat. It may take a sparring match to determine if he's [[Franchise/{{Castlevania}} Alucard]] or [[Franchise/FinalFantasy Sephiroth]]. |
| 1218 | * If I ever fight a powerful enemy who later, for what ever reason, comes to my side or team. I will be immediately aware this person will be [[RedemptionDemotion nowhere near as powerful as they were before]], and likely have none of the same weapons either. |
| 1219 | ** In the case of a game where murdering significant characters is possible, I will make sure not to kill them. |
| 1220 | *** Unless they seem like a villain, then killing is the first option. |
| 1221 | *** Or I have effectively completed the game, and am now just having fun. (Also known as the Morrowind Manoeuvre.) |
| 1222 | *** But if I am [[VideoGame/{{Undertale}} a featureless child protagonist surrounded by monsters]], I will not kill anyone even if I have already completed the game. |
| 1223 | ** If everyone has the same set of faces, the next time I see a face I've never seen before, I will do the above. |
| 1224 | ** If the person is a young skinny boy who shows little to no sign of puberty, I will befriend him, especially if his hair is messy/spiky. He's probably the protagonist, and if he isn't, then someone in his party is. |
| 1225 | *** If said youngster is also [[RummageSaleReject dressed like a clown supply store threw up all over him]], then he's ''definitely'' the protagonist. |
| 1226 | * I will tell my allies to equip their own friggen armor and weapons. |
| 1227 | ** I will always be aware of [[SoLongAndThanksForAllTheGear team members who are about to leave forever]] and take all my equipment back so it's not lost forever. Doubly so if said character has rare items or one of a kind weapons I can never get back. |
| 1228 | * If I can't see someone's face they aren't in my team. Hiding your face is a sign of evil. |
| 1229 | ** Unless I already know who they are through a past life/game. [[spoiler: cough-Candalore-cough]] |
| 1230 | *** Unless they are a friendly alien engineer who has information that will help you on your quest. [[spoiler: cough-Tali-cough]] |
| 1231 | ** If I outright can't see their heads at all (no character art), I can safely ignore them. |
| 1232 | * I will always carry as many health potions as physically possible. |
| 1233 | ** And ammo. |
| 1234 | ** Spell scrolls |
| 1235 | ** Mana/Magic potions. |
| 1236 | ** Healing food |
| 1237 | ** Guns |
| 1238 | ** Grenades/Explosion things |
| 1239 | ** I will not be too cheap to use them as and when necessary. |
| 1240 | ** Alternatively, in the case of limited encumbrance, I will carry the most weight-efficient supplies available and leave at least enough room for an unconscious companion. |
| 1241 | * If I'm lightly equipped or unarmed and manage to subdue an adversary with superior weaponry, I will make a point not to [[UnusableEnemyEquipment leave their perfectly functional weapons lying around unclaimed for no good reason]]. If there ''is'' a good reason I can't operate them --like, say, [[JustifiedTrope guns with biometric lockouts or what have you]]-- I'll still think about taking it anyway so long as it can serve as a decent cudgel. |
| 1242 | ** Unless I happen to be Franchise/{{Batman}}, [[DoesntLikeGuns personal distaste of guns]] is not considered a "good" reason to pass them up. Life-or-death situations are the ''worst'' time to hop on a moral high horse, so [[CombatPragmatist I won't refuse any opportunity to level the playing field against whatever wants to kill me]]. |
| 1243 | ** I will disregard this rule if the reason I can't use firearms is that I'm using superpowers that don't include RequiredSecondaryPowers that would allow for their use even as a cudgel (e.g. [[VideoGame/{{Infamous}} my holding the gun makes it blow up in my hand]]). Mind, if I have ''superpowers'' and am still trying to use a gun, then my chief disadvantage is [[WhenAllYouHaveIsAHammer a lack of imagination]], not weaponry. |
| 1244 | * Rather than using my time warping powers to revive myself after death (loading game), I will learn to harness it into time travel and instantly win. |
| 1245 | * If I can level up my magical abilities by using magic, I will constantly use it over and over while doing everything. For example, [[VideoGame/{{Everquest}} by setting the same button that makes me walk forward, to "Cast Spell #1".]] |
| 1246 | ** Hooray for Elder Scrolls! |
| 1247 | * I will compulsively reload immediately upon the end of any combat unless this expends the remainder of the clip. Similarly, I will rest/heal/whatever after every combat unless this will demonstrably worsen my situation or I was uninjured and not forced to use any of whatever gives me my fantastic powers. |
| 1248 | ** If I draw my gun during a firefight and find it empty, I will not automatically try to reload when I’m out in the open. I will call out that it’s empty and cycle to the next available weapon I have that does have ammo in it. If all my weapons are out, I’ll scream at the player to ''get my ass behind some cover so I can reload, dammit!'' |
| 1249 | * There is no such thing as [[MoreDakka "enough guns."]] '''You always need more'''. |
| 1250 | * If I have any relatives that are scientists I will not visit their workplace. Especially if it's sponsored by their company. Even though it'll [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} make me]] [[VideoGame/{{Iji}} the protagonist]] it's not worth the trouble that will ensue. Similarly if you are a scientist do not take your daughter to work. |
| 1251 | ** If my planet is under attack, under no circumstances will I call in ''more'' hostile aliens. |
| 1252 | * I will never assume that a fight is almost over. My enemy might have/probably has a OneWingedAngel form or [[IAmNotLeftHanded has been fighting with his left hand]]. A fight is either over or it isn't. |
| 1253 | ** Even if they ''don't'' have such a voluntary hindrance, just because s/he is low on health and I still have plenty left does not mean that their attacks are any weaker or that one slip will prove any less fatal. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVmc5ZepdVs Justin Wong]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVcqjfAiiSI underlines this point very well.]] |
| 1254 | ** If anything, an enemy may have [[CriticalStatusBuff perks]], [[TurnsRed abilities]], and [[DesperationAttack special attacks]] that make him even more powerful and dangerous the lower his health gets. Thus, if I have an attack capable of killing my enemy in one hit, ''I will be as liberal as I can be about using it.'' |
| 1255 | ** This goes for cutscenes too. If my opponent is crippled and I am still fine, I will get on with landing the appropriate finishing blow instead of wasting time on anything longer than a PreMortemOneLiner, giving him chance to escape. Remember, also, a BondOneLiner can be just as clever but infinitely less risky. |
| 1256 | * If I realize I am ''not'' the protagonist, I will find out who is: (s)he'll be the guy [[TalkToEveryone talking to everyone]], [[TheOnlyOne making himself/herself more useful than anyone else]] and [[KleptomaniacHero stealing everything not nailed down]]. I will then make certain that person [[NominalImportance knows my name]]. |
| 1257 | * If using saving and being able to magically respawn at a specific point is an option, I will abuse it unless I have a save limit. |
| 1258 | * If I am ever given multiple possible choices in a scenario, I will immediately assume that one choice can lead me to a bad ending and have saved beforehand. After making the choice, I will not save again (at least not on the same file) until I am directly certain what the effects are. |
| 1259 | * If the boss kills or almost kills me due to me being too low on level, I will not endlessly retry in the hopes that I will win. Unless I made a mistake, this means I am not ready for future bosses after this one. |
| 1260 | * If there is water in a level, I will do my very best to avoid walking into it. If I must go into the water, I will do all that I can to be ready for it. |
| 1261 | ** I will always assume something terrible is waiting for me under the water and never let my guard down if I must go near it. |
| 1262 | ** I will also remember that just because that I have ''exited'' the water doesn't mean that I am safe. It could be even ''more'' dangerous. |
| 1263 | * I will always have a healthy respect for the dark, but be constantly aware that danger is everywhere. I will not be lulled into a false sense of security just because I can see the whole room. |
| 1264 | ** I will remember that some monsters are invisible, and listen carefully for anything that doesn't sound right or seems to be coming closer in my direction. |
| 1265 | * I will always remember to look up if possible or allowed. |
| 1266 | ** Just because something is shiny doesn't make it valuable, it could be a trap. Always approach everything with caution. |
| 1267 | * If what should be a simple action prompts me to go to a cutscene, I will immediately assume I am about to be screwed over. |
| 1268 | * If I have a minor encounter with some evil-looking minions early on in the plot, I will automatically assume that I will have repeated clashes of escalating seriousness with them throughout my quest and eventually confront and defeat [[BigBad their boss]] within minutes of their masterplan succeeding. Anything less than that is a bonus. |
| 1269 | ** Surprisingly, humor is one of the better ways to gauge the seriousness of their threat to me. If they're constantly [[EvilLaugh laughing and nobody's trying to be funny]], I'd better watch my ass. If they're constantly trying to be funny and nobody's laughing, then I'm most likely dealing with a GoldfishPoopGang and don't have too much to worry about, so long as their employer doesn't have access to mind control or some kind of PsychoSerum (both of which can quickly lead to a NotSoHarmlessVillain situation, and those are ''never'' good). |
| 1270 | * If a GoldfishPoopGang's malevolent deeds don't involve any really serious crimes like torture, rape or murder, or they want to be villains and just ''really'' [[MinionWithAnFInEvil suck at their job]], I won't immediately rain down the Holy Fires of Ultimate Justice on their heads, but rather let them slink away to lick their wounds. Who knows? I might be able to coax a HeelFaceTurn out of these poor dopes after dealing out a sufficient number of ass-whoopings. This goes double if I catch wind that their evil master has a habit of [[MistreatmentInducedBetrayal abusing them]] or [[EvenEvilHasLovedOnes threatening their loved ones]]. |
| 1271 | * If I hear rumours (or, especially, tales told by old women) about special Orbs, mystical elements or anything that sounds vaguely MacGuffin-like, I will drop everything and immediately search them out until I find said items. If I don't someone else will, and that's never pretty. |
| 1272 | ** Unless I'm in a horror game. Then I should [[VideoGame/AmnesiaTheDarkDescent avoid Orbs at all costs]]. |
| 1273 | * If I ever enter a room with a [[SuspiciousVideogameGenerosity generous amount of supplies along with a save point]], I will mentally prepare myself for getting my ass kicked repeatedly. |
| 1274 | * Also, bosses, take a cue from [[VideoGame/BatmanArkhamCity Mr. Freeze]]: if the player character hits you with an attack, neutralise the environment or beef up your defences so that they can't do it again. |
| 1275 | * If the protagonist is tasked with rescuing hostages by picking them up in their car and I'm one of those hostages, I will take one of two options: |
| 1276 | ** Get my ass into the protagonist's car ASAP. I will not stop to perform a taunt, and I will maneuver around or jump over obstacles in my way. If I can't reach the door to get into the car for whatever reason, I will either find another door or signal to the protagonist to move the car. |
| 1277 | ** Take one of the protagonist's [[HyperspaceArsenal inexplicably numerous]] weapons and help him cover the other hostages and clear our escape. Then get in the car with the protagonist and either fire back at pursuers while he drives or take over driving while he shoots. |
| 1278 | * If I'm a passenger in the car the protagonist is driving, and one of the bad guys pulls him out of the car, I will stay in the car and shoot the bad guy so the protagonist can recover, get back in, and drive us the hell away. |
| 1279 | * If I'm a passenger in the car the protagonist is driving and the car suddenly catches on fire, I will bail out immediately and keep a safe distance from the inevitable explosion. I won't stay in the car until the protagonist steps out, get caught in the explosion, die, and force the protagonist to reload the mission from the beginning. |
| 1280 | * If I'm the contact giving the protagonist the above task or any other task that requires the use of a vehicle and involves pissed-off bad guys shooting at it, I will make use of the upgraded vehicles in the protagonist's garage, and not whatever stock crap my faction provides as a generic car. This will go double if rockets and/or explosives are expected to be involved in any way. |
| 1281 | * Also, if I'm unlucky enough to be a hostage, I will get on the ground, cover my head, and '''STAY''' that way until the shooting stops and the heroes give me an all-clear, at which point I will move slowly with my hands up and clearly identify myself. No matter how happy I am to be so close to freedom and safety, blindly running from cover toward an armed hero while there's a damned gunfight going on is only gonna net me a posthumous Darwin Award... [[TooDumbToLive And I'm gonna deserve it, too]]. |
| 1282 | * If I hear the protagonist's [[ThemeMusicPowerUp theme music blaring]] and see them [[InvincibilityPowerUp barreling toward me with reckless abandon while flashing and/or sparkling]], I will remove myself from their path with the utmost haste. |
| 1283 | * If the protagonist offers to [[EscortMission escort]] me somewhere, I will thank them for the offer, but decline unless I am essential to the plot. They have more important things to do than sort out my petty problems. If they absolutely insist I will take the shortest, safest, least-enemy-filled route possible to my destination. I will also take note of where the protagonist and not go wandering off without them, or move so slowly they overtake me. |
| 1284 | * If the protagonist has certain mobility options--a [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} Portal Gun]], a GrapplingHookPistol, or the ability to climb walls--I will structure my surroundings such that they cannot use them prior to engaging them in a BossBattle. |
| 1285 | ** I will take careful note of anything the protagonist can use to restore those options during the fight, and see that they are removed beforehand. |
| 1286 | * I will not [[FlunkyBoss bring normal enemies into my boss fight with the protagonist]]. At best, he has a means of dispatching my minions before I can derive any benefit from them. At worst, he can use them as platforms to reach my weak spot. Or kill them for health refills. [[GrievousHarmWithABody Or throw them at me.]] Or [[Franchise/{{Kirby}} swallow them and copy their abilities]]. Or [[VideoGame/YoshisIsland convert them into eggs for throwing back at me]]. Or mind-control them to attack me. Or [[VideoGame/{{PROTOTYPE}} consume them and take their forms]]. Or blow them up and damage me with their death explosions. |
| 1287 | ** If I must be a FlunkyBoss, the minions I toss out at him will be [[BossInMookClothing the ones he's had the most trouble getting past]], even with the above abilities. |
| 1288 | ** I will spam ThatOneAttack while he's distracted with fight said minions, not stand off to the side waiting for him to defeat them. |
| 1289 | * If I am a boss with a reflectable attack that is the only way to hurt me, I will take inspiration from [[VideoGame/{{Splatoon}} DJ Octavio]] and throw the kitchen sink at the same time if I must use that attack. |
| 1290 | * If I am an NPC of any kind, I will NOT bring dynamite to a gunfight with the protagonist. Not only do AI characters invariably blow themselves up with dynamite in most video games, but many games that feature dynamite also give the protagonist an ability that lets them target and shoot the dynamite while it's in my hand. |
| 1291 | ** Hell, I will not use explosives against the protagonist in general. Many a boss has had its explosives used against them. |
| 1292 | * If I am an enemy of any kind, I will check if the protagonist is speed-running or not. If they are, I will vacate myself to a place that would be time-consuming to go through. If that's not an option, then I will try my absolute best to not hinder or provide anything useful for their time. The former means I will probably be killed at speeds of sound to get me out of the way, while the latter means I will also probably be killed for an useful item drop. |
| 1293 | * If I am in a turn-based RPG, I will not just stand there and let enemy attacks hit me. I will [[VideoGame/{{Undertale}} dodge]], [[VideoGame/PaperMario block,]] [[VideoGame/MarioAndLuigi and/or counter them]]. |
| 1294 | * Barring health extensions, I will not run on RPG mechanics. If I am the hero, I will not be forced to LevelGrind just to stand a chance against an overpowered monster. If I am the villain, my earliest troops will not suddenly become useless due to the hero's upgraded stats. |
| 1295 | * I will not skimp on either melee or ranged combat. Enemies with overpowered close-ranged attacks and weak or no projectiles will be gunned down, while enemies that rely on projectiles and can barely defend themselves up close will be beaten, stabbed, or sliced to death. |
| 1296 | * If a Player Character or enemy cannot jump, I will freeze, electrify, or burn the whole floor. |
| 1297 | * I will have a weapon that can destroy SpikesOfDoom. |
| 1298 | * If I am to have an air dash, it will be easily controllable so it won't be a problem when floating platforms get involved. |
| 1299 | * If ThatOneLevel is enemy territory, I will have it nuked from orbit instead of going into it. |
| 1300 | * All jumps will be fully controllable in the air. |
| 1301 | * I will request that my game has no cutscenes (barring an opening video) and all dialogue takes place during the gameplay. That way, no cutscene can defeat me. |
| 1302 | * I will only have six to ten hit points, but whenever I get hit, I will have MercyInvincibility and only lose one hit point. This way, I can brush off otherwise overpowered enemy attacks. |
| 1303 | * If I am a player-sized boss in a game that does not involve FightingGame-style fights between {{Kaiju}} and/or HumongousMecha, I will not have a giant final form. Without fighting game gameplay, the giant bosses are almost always very easy, either move slowly or not at all, take forever just to wind up easily avoidable attacks, have obvious unprotected weak points, and go boom even harder than player-sized bosses. [[VideoGame/MegaManZero3 Even better, I will have a giant first form and a player-sized final form.]] |
| 1304 | * If I am a boss, and I notice that using one of my attacks leaves me open to attacks, be it from leaving me unable to move while charging or recovering from it, be it from entering the protagonist's attacks' range, be it from forcing me to lower my defenses while using it, be it by [[AttackItsWeakPoint exposing my weak point]], or be it from giving the protagonist means to attack me, or that the attack damages the arena's infrastructure, I will immediately stop using that attack. [[TacticalSuicideBoss Tactical suicide]] is suicide. |
| 1305 | ** As a corollary to the above, if I have an attack that makes me invulnerable for its duration, I will use it exclusively and as often as possible. |
| 1306 | ** I will also employ common sense when [[BossArenaIdiocy designing my arena]]. I will ideally use it to maximize my advantages and minimize the protagonist's, but, even if I am uncreative or don't know the protagonist's abilities, I will at least avoid having anything that could damage me, even if it could also harm the protagonist. |
| 1307 | * If I am a boss and the protagonist can dodge, block, or counter my attacks with correct timing, I will feint and delay my attacks as randomly as possible. |
| 1308 | * If I am a boss, I will not use [[HomingProjectile Homing Projectiles]] that can curve more than 90º, lest they [[DeadlyDodging get redirected towards me]]. |
| 1309 | * Any AnnoyingVideoGameHelper who tries to give me a ForcedTutorial will not be considered. Instead, players will be required to learn the game's physics naturally through InstructiveLevelDesign. I will shut up said "helper" by [[VideoGame/Doom2016 taking their communicator and smashing it]] and/or forcing them to TalkToTheFist. [[spoiler:In ''VideoGame/SteamshovelHarry'', the ForcedTutorial is so long that it gives the missile enough time to crash into Earth before Harry can even go a single step]]. |
| 1310 | * If I am to fight [[VideoGame/AlienSoldier Epsilon-Eagle]], I will not use any projectiles. He will either deflect them to damage me or turn them into health refills. |
| 1311 | * I will wear armor that [[VideoGame/GhostsNGoblins does not shatter]] [[VideoGame/ThreeWonders after one hit]]. |
| 1312 | |
| 1313 | !!! Fighting |
| 1314 | * If there is a [[FightingGame fighting tournament]] being held fairly regularly that I frequently participate in, I will not be very likely to win unless [[ItsPersonal I have a deeply personal issue with the person conducting the tournament]]. This will not stop me from participating in each and every tournament, because otherwise there would be some fans out there clamoring about [[PutOnABus my disappearance from the scene]]. |
| 1315 | ** Likewise, if my opponent is a tough bastard who's very likely to kick my ass, I will not wait for him to get up for a second round and instead [[KillHimAlready pummel him to unconsciousness]]. This will ALWAYS apply to [[SNKBoss any horrific monster, mutant, or maniac I encounter at/after the tournament finals]], since they're clearly up to no good, and [[TheComputerIsACheatingBastard it'll save me a lot of trouble and frustration]]. |
| 1316 | ** Alternatively, if the tournament is being organised by a person/organisation of dubious history then I can rest assured that the same guy who kicked the last such person's ass will almost certainly kick this guy's ass too, and if not then it will probably be some upstanding newcomer who has never entered one of these tournaments before. I will therefore feel free to use the tournament for publicity and a few friendly cameos. |
| 1317 | * If my series is organising a tag-team spinoff, I will assume I will be teamed with my best friend. If not, it will probably be my deadly rival. If not that, assume it will be the most obnoxious and pathetic member of the cast and anything better is a bonus. |
| 1318 | * If I see the person I am to fight next does not wear shoes, I will request a different opponent. For some reason, the shoeless ones are always badass. Or I will throw LEGO bricks on the floor. |
| 1319 | * I will have the same MercyInvincibility flash that platformer characters have, preventing me from being endlessly comboed. |
| 1320 | * If the person I am to fight next comes from a StylishAction game, I will request a different opponent lest I get endlessly shot up and comboed. |
| 1321 | |
| 1322 | !!! Horror |
| 1323 | * I will collect EVERY item I can. Ammo, weapons, tinderboxes, oil, etc. |
| 1324 | * Make sure that every room I go to will be free of monsters. If it isn't, I will either shoot them down or run away without attracting their attention. |
| 1325 | * If my game doesn't allow me to fight back the monsters, I will designate a handful of areas per location to serve as my hiding spots. |
| 1326 | * I will listen intently to both the music and the player to when or if there is a monster in the area. |
| 1327 | * I must never waste my items. EVER. |
| 1328 | * If my game has a sanity reading, I will pay attention to it. |
| 1329 | * If some aspect of my survival depends on light, I will collect every mirror I can find and angle them to light the way. Mirrors aren't just for puzzle solving, each one saves on using suddenly rare tinderboxes/matches/lighters/etc. This will also serve as a warning if something sneaks up behind me. |
| 1330 | * If I'm limited in the amount of items I can carry, I will try to remember that I can definitely fit more than just ''one'' key into the average pants pocket. |
| 1331 | * If I am running from a monster, I must NEVER look back to see what it looks like or if it is still there. I will ALWAYS assume that it is following me until I get to my safe area. |
| 1332 | * If I am not the main character, I will expect to not make it. There's a chance that I might, however. |
| 1333 | ** If I do survive the entire game by sheer dumb luck or some other reason, I will [[WeAreNotGoingThroughThatAgain not return for the sequel]] [[SuddenSequelDeathSyndrome lest I end up dying somewhere around the first ten or so minutes]]. |
| 1334 | * If I encounter a BreatherLevel, I will assume that there are worse horrors ahead. |
| 1335 | * Depending on the game I'm in, [[BringMyBrownPants I will either wear a diaper or a pair of brown pants]]. |
| 1336 | * Instead of aiming for a monster's hard-to-hit extremities, I will shoot at its hips (or whatever joints it uses for locomotion) crippling their movement rate. ''Then'' I will aim for their now ''slowly moving'' [[AttackItsWeakPoint weak point]]. |
| 1337 | ** If ammo is scarce, it's better to have a group of live monsters that you can outpace by walking, than even one that you get exhausted running from. |
| 1338 | ** The same goes for shooting enemy vehicles, better to do so when it's parked and stationary, not zipping around and full of mooks. |
| 1339 | * If there is a prison/dungeon level, expect there to be monsters. |
| 1340 | * Always be wary when going to the morgue if there is one. |
| 1341 | * If people around me start dying not long after I find a mysterious artifact, I will put said artifact back where I found it. Failing that, I will at least stop carrying it around with me. |
| 1342 | ** Should a mysterious Baron ask me to come to his castle, claiming that he can solve all of my problems, I will run as far and as fast away from him as I possibly can. |
| 1343 | * Unless reality is warped by the place I am in, I should immediately exit a location where strange happenings begin. Should I continue further out of sheer curiosity, I have brought whatever happens upon myself. |
| 1344 | * If I see a figure at the end of a hall, I should not move to investigate unless I am amply prepared with weaponry. The better option still would be ''not'' to go over there. |
| 1345 | * If the police will not help me search a secluded property where I know my friend/spouse/child/pet/etc vanished, I will not go alone with just a flashlight, a pistol with no extra ammo, and one item to heal myself with. I should instead make a huge media spectacle about it until something is done or a large group agrees to join me. Barring that, I should at ''least'' bring way more supplies. |
| 1346 | * I will not choose between a weapon and a flashlight. Tape them together if needed. |
| 1347 | |
| 1348 | !!! MMO[=/=]RPG |
| 1349 | * If I live in a village and I seem like a protagonist, I will be constantly prepared for a surprise attack. If I know someone who looks like a protagonist, I will immediately move village. Any relatives or friends who die in the attack will not be mourned, it's more likely that they were captured or escaped and I will inevitably meet them again later. |
| 1350 | * [[Franchise/{{Pokemon}} If at the beginning of my adventure a Professor asks me to choose between three cute little critters]], I will give the choice to my jerkass rival and instead pick the critter that has an advantage over his instead. These days, however, [[VideoGame/PokemonBlackAndWhite some]] [[VideoGame/PokemonXAndY rival]] [[VideoGame/PokemonSunAndMoon trainers]] will do so without my input, but better safe than sorry. |
| 1351 | ** Sometimes not even that helps, as [[VideoGame/PokemonSwordAndShield a third person could take the critter with an advantage over mine anyway]]. |
| 1352 | ** If a {{Jerkass}} gym leader [[VideoGame/PokemonGoldAndSilver loses to me and refuses to give me the badge]], I will threaten to report them to the League. I shouldn't have to go to some cave to be greeted by hostile cultists just to take some simple test you can pass by lying. Especially not after ThatOneBoss. |
| 1353 | ** If anyone makes [[VideoGame/PokemonBlackAndWhite a grandiose speech about the rights of these critters]], I will temper my expectations and assume the speaker to be exploitative, if not evil. Much as I'd like to treat the critters with all the love and respect they deserve, there's this part of me that just ''knows better'' than to go along with what the speaker is saying. |
| 1354 | ** If ever I find myself at [[VideoGame/PokemonSunAndMoon a facility that prides itself on conservation of these "beautiful" critters, especially if it's in a remote location]], I will assume there is ''far'' more going on under the surface and suggest that the authorities investigate the place a little bit more closely. |
| 1355 | * If I am a boss of a turn-based RPG, I will attack the protagonist on their turn, both to catch them by surprise and, if they can dodge my attacks, to make choosing attacks harder. I will also take my sweet time on my turn, to bore the player and, if they can dodge my attacks, to make them lower their guard, and if necessary, not taking my turn, in order not to let them attack and stall them out, though I will watch out for their attempts to [[InterfaceScrew screw with the interface]] and get the turn. In short, [[VideoGame/{{Undertale}} Sans]] and [[VideoGame/{{Anachronox}} Rictus]] are the best teachers for becoming a good boss, and I will learn from both their successes and mistakes. |
| 1356 | * If I have an attack that can hit nigh-endless times as long as the ActionCommands are hit, such as [[VideoGame/PaperMario64 the Power Bounce]], I will get really good at it. |
| 1357 | * I will use EpilepticFlashingLights and [[LoudnessWar really loud sounds]] to [[SensoryAbuse give the player a seizure]]. |
| 1358 | * If I am a wild animal [[WhatMeasureIsANonCute who is not cute/cool enough to befriend the protagonist]], I will never pick up and carry about valuable items or large amounts of money. I will also stay out of the way of any man-made structures, and if possible, run away from anyone who looks like a hero as soon as I see them. |
| 1359 | * If I'm a shop owner, and a random customer [[VideoGame/FalloutNewVegas starts carrying merchandise into the bathrooms]] or [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim puts a bucket on my head for no discernible reason]], I will conclude that this person is attempting to shoplift my wares and respond as appropriate. |
| 1360 | ** "Respond as appropriate" does include letting them continue shoplifting if the person doing this is more heavily armed than most armies or has an established reputation for slaying dragons. However much damage they're doing by stealing from me, [[BullyingADragon the damage they'll do if I turn hostile and attack them for stealing will be many times worse]]. I should also make considerations as to ''why'' they are shoplifting from me, as detailed in the next paragraph. |
| 1361 | ** If the protagonist wishes to shop from me, I will not [[NoHeroDiscount insist on selling my wares at full price regardless of how important their mission is]], nor will I [[AdamSmithHatesYourGuts steadily increase the price of my wares as time goes on]]. Whatever good they're doing far outweighs the profit I can get from nickel-and-diming them, especially if the fate of the world is in their hands. |
| 1362 | *** If the fate of the world ''is'' in their hands, I'll give them whatever equipment they need for free, or at least give them the highest discount I can for it. Being broke is better than whatever will happen to me if the villain wins, and as an NPC vendor I'll probably stay in business despite the loss of profit. |
| 1363 | * There are always hostile critters in instanced dungeons and quest maps. No matter what the NPC giving me the quest says. |
| 1364 | * If I must engage in turn-based battle with a foe, and I can see them outside of battle, I will try to attack them [[InTheBack from behind]]. At worst, they won't take damage and I'll be no worse off than if I had begun the battle normally, and at best I'll deal some free damage or give them some disadvantage. |
| 1365 | |
| 1366 | !!! Roguelikes |
| 1367 | * If I find myself in a {{roguelike}}... no, wait. I'm screwed anyway if that happens, so may as well go on an omnicidal rampage. |
| 1368 | ** Contrariwise, said rampage will be tempered by caution. Any monster I have not seen before can potentially end me. Therefore, I will think before attacking. If they turn out to have the armour class of a pinata, I shall practice upon them as if they were filled with gold coins. Because, perhaps, they are. |
| 1369 | * [[http://nethackwiki.com/wiki/Lessons_learned_the_hard_way And a]] [[http://nethackwiki.com/wiki/Bad_Idea couple lists]] specific to ''VideoGame/NetHack''. Many of these items apply equally well to other {{Roguelike}}s. |
| 1370 | * Bad weapons are better than no weapons. I shall remember that "Weapon proficiency (Stick)" also covers quarterstaves. |
| 1371 | * I will remember that any entity that starts walking towards me is bad news. |
| 1372 | * I shall not slaughter innocent {{NPC}}s unless I'm sure I can get A) away with it; B) something out of it; C) both. |
| 1373 | * Quests are only as useful as the loot the quest-giving {{NPC}}s gift me with. If the quest is near-impossible, I shall not accept it. |
| 1374 | * Artifacts are worth any price... except my life. |
| 1375 | * I am not too honourable to lead my enemies to a strong NPC to soften them up, even if this would result in the NPC's death. If it doesn't and I need him dead, the experiment will be repeated. |
| 1376 | * I shall consider my equipment unconventional emergency ammo. Throwing potions at a Greater Daemon may have surprising results. |
| 1377 | * I will learn how to cook and prepare food for extended shelf life, and carry a stack of it at all times. |
| 1378 | * I will strive to become the fastest moving thing in the dungeon. They can't kill you if they can't catch you. |
| 1379 | * Better yet, I will immediately go back up the stairs I entered the dungeon through and demand that they get their own damn ArtifactOfDoom. |
| 1380 | ** Unless the roguelike was written in the last few years, in which case [[DevelopersForesight they probably thought of that too]]. |
| 1381 | |
| 1382 | !!! Sandbox |
| 1383 | * If the commercials have more than their share of AccidentalInnuendo, and I don't have any ties to the criminal underworld, I will move away from the city before I get run over by a DrivesLikeCrazy protagonist or [[VideoGame/SaintsRow have my property devalued by a septic truck]]. |
| 1384 | ** If I can't afford to move out, then I will stay indoors as much as possible. Considering the homes in these kind of cities seem to be able to withstand a tank blast, I can't think of a safer place to be when the protagonist inevitably rampages through the streets. |
| 1385 | * I will figure out which street gang or criminal empire seems to be the underdog that is rapidly expanding. Then, if I have to do business with any gang, it will be with them and ONLY them. |
| 1386 | * If I have to own a car, I will make sure to drive a slow, crappy sedan. Driving an exotic sports car is just asking to get carjacked. |
| 1387 | ** Alternatively, I'll only unlock my car doors when I'm going in or out of my vehicle. Otherwise, they're going to remain locked at all times. |
| 1388 | * If I'm a cop or gangbanger in the aforementioned setting, I will remember one very important rule: ''[[TankGoodness tank beats everything.]]'' If I'm not equipped to take on a tank when the protagonist starts rampaging through downtown in one, I will call in somebody that is and leave town. Same rule applies if the protagonist is driving an AwesomePersonnelCarrier or anything else with heavy armor or weapon turrets. |
| 1389 | * If I am the current police authority or syndicate boss at the time, I will not send in [[HellishCopter helicopters]] or VTOL craft against a suspect who has been obliterating police, SWAT, syndicate, or military vehicles by the dozen. Odds are that if he's that well-armed, then he's probably packing anti-aircraft weaponry, including rocket launchers and heavy machine guns. |
| 1390 | * If pilots of helicopters need to be trained not to hover in plain sight 100ft above where the suspect is currently rampaging, then they lack the common sense to fly anything more complex than a paper plane. Which is all they will be flying, because their pilot's licenses will be revoked, and they will be relegated to pushing pencils in the office until they retire. |
| 1391 | * Any sniper should also have the good sense not to use helicopters and vehicles as mobile sniping platforms. If I have to tell them to set up on buildings, hilltops, or other types of solid ground with proper cover, they will be restricted from using firearms of any kind and joining the helicopter pilots in the office. |
| 1392 | * As far as police as a whole, any and all criminal incidents will be responded to and investigated in a manner that ''fits the incident.'' Going in guns blazing at someone who brushed the front bumper of a police cruiser or set off a car alarm will just make us look incompetent and bloodthirsty in the long run. Likewise, sending a lone squad car and/or maybe a helicopter (see above) to a report of someone running around gunning civilians down with military grade weaponry will make us look like we completely lack common sense. |
| 1393 | !!! Shoot-'em-up [=/=] Bullet Hell |
| 1394 | * I will use bombs instead of hoarding them when danger comes up, unless I happen to have auto-bomb ability which has ''no drawbacks''. |
| 1395 | * I will pay attention to the entire screen instead of myself because I will never know the nasty surprises that come from afar. |
| 1396 | * I will pay attention on how scoring works as having more scores means more lives, unless if scores are irrelevant then the attention should be on how to collect more lives and bombs. |
| 1397 | * I will simply shoot at the bosses once they appear even if they are immune to them for a while, lest the score accumulated this way may provide me with an extra life. |
| 1398 | * I will put my speed down whenever I am in danger of being hit as it allows me to maneuver between the bullets better, unless the patterns indicate otherwise. |
| 1399 | * I will memorize how the hitboxes of myself and the bullets work so that I can squeeze myself between them safely. |
| 1400 | |
| 1401 | !!! Stealth |
| 1402 | * If I am part of a stealth game or are otherwise being stealthy, I won't wear my weapons all over my body. |
| 1403 | * I will [[InTheHood not wear a hood]]. Instead I will obtain plastic surgery to give myself an unrecognizable face along with the most common skin, hair, and eye colors. |
| 1404 | * I will hide a freaking knife somewhere on my body. I will use said knife if things get hairy. 0% casualties is a stretch goal. |
| 1405 | * My goal is to avoid detection. I'd rather check the same room twice than face a boss. |
| 1406 | * I will remember that I am not the only agent around; Someone will inevitably betray me. The sooner I start making contingency plans, the better. |
| 1407 | * When given the choice between lethal and nonlethal takedowns: |
| 1408 | ** I will not murder hapless guards just because I can. I am not immortal, and facing them all in the afterlife will be so embarrassing. |
| 1409 | ** I will not murder hapless guards just because it is convenient or easier. It is sloppy, and when I am inevitably betrayed and have to clear my name, redemption is easier when I haven't slit the throat of half the US Army. Even if it's not an issue, it still can make the difference between becoming infamous as romanticized "master sneak" or reviled "that butcher". |
| 1410 | * I will not wear [[VideoGame/{{Thief}} tap shoes]]. |
| 1411 | * When the well-guarded fortress suddenly seems to go quieter and quieter during the night, I will not blithely continue guard duty, but immediately raise the alarm. If I wait until I seem to be the only living being left, it is already way too late. |
| 1412 | ** In fact, assuming the technology exists, I will perform status checks on every guard in the compound every five minutes, or less depending on the number of guards and overall size of the compound. Such checks will be performed using code-words and phrases which are changed during every shift, and used ''only'' by the guards at that specific compound, along with a series of shift-specific "challenge" and "answer" codes which will be memorized by the guards and changed randomly with every check. The ''second'' that a guard fails to check in or does not check in with the correct code, the entire facility will be put on lockdown with orders to shoot ''anyone'' on sight who does not properly answer the challenge code. The lockdown will remain until all personnel, living or dead, are accounted for and a two-mile radius around the base is cleared of hostile activity. |
| 1413 | [[/folder]] |
| 1414 | |
| 1415 | |
| 1416 | [[folder:Web Comics]] |
| 1417 | [[AC: Gaming Comics]] |
| 1418 | * [[TwoGamersOnACouch I will buy a couch]]. No exceptions. |
| 1419 | * I will get used to putting up with the antics of [[TheFool the braindead roommate]] that has [[{{Jerkass}} no social skills]] and a penchant for [[PersonOfMassDestruction damaging other people's property]]. [[StatusQuoIsGod He won't be leaving]] nor will he [[KarmaHoudini ever suffer for his actions]], so it's best if I'm on good terms with him. Doubly so if he [[WishFulfillment looks like]] [[AuthorAvatar the author]]. |
| 1420 | * I will get real good at standing in the same 3-4 poses over and over again. ''[[CutAndPasteComic Real]]'' [[CutAndPasteComic good]]. |
| 1421 | * At the first sign of [[BloodyHilarious "hilarious" bloodshed]] that seems to [[{{Snapback}} undo itself]] after a few seconds, I will immediately stop any mention of a preference towards any and all platforms, game series, genres, developers, or publications. The previously mentioned {{Jerkass}} / AuthorAvatar / MartyStu will take it upon himself to "educate" me [[AuthorFilibuster about his much better opinions]] with blunt force trauma, and while [[{{Snapback}} nothing will come of it]], being stabbed in the head '''hurts'''. |
| 1422 | |
| 1423 | [[AC: In General]] |
| 1424 | * If [[WeirdnessMagnet bizarre stuff]] starts happening around a person or place, stay as far away as possible. |
| 1425 | ** If said bizarre stuff happens to me, get used to it--it's not gonna stop. |
| 1426 | ** Since everyone gets into weird situations sooner or later, I'll get my weirdness in early when it's mostly beneficial, as opposed to the traumatic kind you get after the plot sets in. |
| 1427 | * [[AllMythsAreTrue Everything even slightly mythical exists]], [[WorldOfWeirdness plus a lot of stuff you've never heard of]]. |
| 1428 | * Don't tick off smart people. More often than not, they'll [[{{Chessmaster}} create an elaborate plan to defeat me]], or [[MadScientist will pull out their ball lightning gun]]. |
| 1429 | ** (Or they'll have magic powers, but ticking off wizards is stupid in any medium.) |
| 1430 | * If anyone looks like [[WebComic/EightBitTheater a black mage]], I will leave the universe. |
| 1431 | ** [[VideoGame/SuperMarioRPG Unless my name is Culex]], in which case I will leave the universe if ''nobody'' looks like a black mage. |
| 1432 | *** Says you. If I'm an ultra-powerful demonic warrior with the power of the four elements at my fingertips, and I am beaten by my opponents, and the consequences are to compliment their ability, give them a valuable treasure and part on amicable terms, I might just want to stay in that kind of universe. It hurts to crumble into dust, you know. |
| 1433 | *** That is assuming I can breathe the air. |
| 1434 | *** And that whoever sent me to find the Black Mage isn't the kind of guy who would pursue and kill me for skipping out on my mission. |
| 1435 | * If I notice an increasing number of people are, by various means, having suspiciously [[AuthorAppeal similar problems, experiences]] or [[ConvenientlyCommonKink fetishes]] and I do not wish to share them, I will move out of town immediately. |
| 1436 | ** If you don't have a problem with either said experiences or kinks (depending on what you prefer, personally) mentioned in the above rule, and you have friends who don't want to share such themselves, do them (and yourself) a favor and let them move elsewhere. |
| 1437 | *** In the event that you have friends who [[TooDumbToLive refuse to obey the above rule]], and [[MotorMouth still insist on complaining]], [[TalkToTheFist punch their flapping jaws]] while they're ranting until they take the hint and leave. If they ''still'' [[TheThingThatWouldNotLeave refuse to leave the premises]], do '''anything''' you can to get rid of them, and save the town (and yourself as well, if you never liked said acquaintance in the first place) the headaches. |
| 1438 | * If the comic seems lighthearted in tone, work to maintain that. Bizarre, annoying things may happen, but as long as you can avoid CerebusSyndrome, you're unlikely to actually die or be traumatized. |
| 1439 | * Read from the genre lists as well. If this webcomic is made in Japan, read from the Anime and Manga genre list. |
| 1440 | [[/folder]] |
| 1441 | |
| 1442 | [[folder:WesternAnimation]] |
| 1443 | * I will read the "Fairy Tales" guide from end to end. I know how many cartoons are adapted from them. |
| 1444 | * Going hunting is practically ''begging'' to be messed with by the resident wily game animal, to my own detriment. Restaurants, grocery stores, and vegetarian-based diets exist for a reason, and even if I happen to be a carnivorous wild animal, I will endure the inevitable taunting from my predatory peers, because [[RoadRunnerVsCoyote wild game just isn't worth the injuries]]. |
| 1445 | * If I ''must'' go hunting, I will shoot any woman that [[DisguisedInDrag looks like my quarry]] [[PaperThinDisguise in a dress]]. |
| 1446 | * If I'm making a recipe that '''''requires''''' a specific resident game animal as an ingredient with absolutely no options for substitution, I will throw that recipe in the garbage and cook something else. That recipe is either a trap by the resident game animal to lure me into pursuing it, or just terribly written and likely not as good as it seems. |
| 1447 | * I will never, ''ever'' look down for any reason. |
| 1448 | ** The exception to this is if I notice a [[ShadowOfImpendingDoom shadow growing around me.]] In which case I will not look ''up.'' Instead, I will proceed calmly but quickly to the closest structure with a sufficiently reinforced roof. |
| 1449 | * When I have to tie a rope to something, I will choose the rock that ''[[DefiedTrope matches]]'' [[ConspicuouslyLightPatch the color of the rest of the scenery]]. |
| 1450 | * If I am a cat, I will befriend the mouse instead of chasing it down. |
| 1451 | ** I will ''not,'' however, kiss the mouse. Best to keep away from temptation. |
| 1452 | * I will either get a cat ''or'' a dog ''or'' a bird--'''NOT''' a cat ''and'' a dog or a cat ''and'' a bird. |
| 1453 | * If I am a person of color, I will determine whether the cartoon was made before or after the American UsefulNotes/CivilRightsMovement and [[ScrewThisImOutOfHere act accordingly]]. |
| 1454 | * I will not [[WesternAnimation/TheFairlyOddparents have fairy godparents]]. They are [[IdiotBall Idiot Balls]] with wands, and their magic is not worth a constantly miserable life where StatusQuoIsGod, especially when [[UselessSuperpowers said magic can't help when it's really needed]]. |
| 1455 | * If I'm a member of a team of heroes fighting a team of villains, I will hang back and let the [[SixthRanger newest guy]] [[MerchandiseDriven show off his stuff]]. |
| 1456 | * I will read the "Superhero" guide from end to end. I know how many cartoons are adapted from superheroes. |
| 1457 | * If I am a supervillain, I will not join any [[LegionOfDoom team of villains]] after fighting the heroes alone. It is a [[ConservationOfNinjutsu surefire way]] [[VillainDecay to lose fighting skills]], [[CelebrityVoiceActor especially if my voice actor]] [[FakeShemp isn't available to record new dialogue]]. |
| 1458 | [[/folder]] |
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