Line #23 Funny/TwistedMetal


1	!!First Game
2	* Needles Kane's ending, where he's given the chance to wish for ''anything'' in the world: Money, women, power. What does Needles wish for? A paper bag. And not just ''any'' paper bag. He wishes for [[ConsultingMisterPuppet CRAZY HAROLD, THE WACKY LUNCH SACK!]] [[FridgeBrilliance Guess Calypso couldn't find a way to warp that wish.]]
3	-->'''Calypso''': Look, I'm a bit confused, Mr. Kane. You do understand, by winning High Octane, you are entitled to any request, of any value. And yet, you asked me for ''THIS?!''\
4	''("Crazy Harold" rises into view)''\
5	'''Needles''': OH MAN! GIMMIE THAT! ''GIMMIE!!''\
6	'''Calypso''': A paper bag? [[MyGodYouAreSerious You can't be serious.]]
7	** In the Lost Ending, Needles drove in with a BoundAndGagged woman riding shotgun. After getting Crazy Harold, he starts a shoot-out with Calypso's mooks, and she breaks her binds and holds him at gun point. Calypso thanks her, but she points a second gun at him;
8	-->'''Woman:''' You guys are ''both'' sick. I'm gettin' out of here, ''(To Needles)'' and I'm taking your truck.\
9	'''Needles:''' ''(Looks shocked)''
10	* Any time Calypso received a wish too warped in itself. Hammerhead in the first game wished for ''a new set of tires''.
11	--> '''Mike:''' "[[ComicallyMissingThePoint Hey dude, treads ain't cheap for a rig like this.]]"
12	* Pit Viper's Lost ending, where the would-be assassin comes to claim her prize. Her request? One million dollars. Calypso sounds ''utterly bored'' at what he sees as an insignificant sum for all her troubles, and apparently couldn't find a means to warp ''that'' wish either. And ''[[MoodWhiplash then]]'' she tries to gun him down, sending the man running for the hills. Unfortunately for her, she misses and [[PreMortemOneLiner gets royally schooled]] by the man just before he shoots her.
13	--> '''Calypso:''' [[KickTheDog You know, if you really want to be an assassin]], [[TooDumbToLive you should keep your eyes on your prey...]] ''(Cut to black as gunfire sounds off)'' Ahhhhh. Much better!
14	* In their Lost ending, Hammerhead's drivers (Jeff and Mike) don't even ''have'' a wish by the time they pull in, and [[NowYouTellMe are utterly baffled that there actually was a prize at the end]]. When Calypso says they can wish for whatever they desire, [[MaleGaze the two start to gawk]] at Calypso's {{Stripperiffic}} BodyguardBabes as [[SugarWiki/AwesomeMusic the "Twisted Metal" main theme starts blaring]]...
15	---> '''Mike:''' "''[[IncomingHam We want]] '''[[AllMenArePerverts BABES!!!!]]'''''"\
16	'''Jeff:''' '''''[[BigYes Yeah!!]]'''''
17	** Calypso even sounds approving of the wish with how he immediately grins and yells out "Done!".
18	*** And shortly before that happened:
19	----> '''Calypso:''' You ''are'' aware, that as victors, I shall grant you anything you ask for.\
20	'''Mike:''' ''Anything?'' ''[[ArbitrarySkepticism (dismissive)]]'' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe You're pulling my chain...]]\
21	'''Jeff:''' [[PreemptiveShutUp Shut up, dude]], [[EveryoneIsArmed they've got guns!]]\
22	'''Mike:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Well, so do we!]]
23	* The "Lost Ending" version of Thumper's ending in the first game. Instead of wishing for a peaceful neighborhood like in canon, Thumper's driver wants to save his girlfriend from a rival ganglord. Calypso has the ganglord tied to a chair and the girl, unharmed, standing by. He also has a gun in hand, [[WhatYouAreInTheDark and offers it to the driver]]. [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere The driver refuses to shoot, walking away with his girlfriend]]. [[MoodWhiplash Calypso blinks, and then mutters, "That was anticlimatic," before putting the gun to the ganglord's head himself.]] Adding to the hilarity is the ganglord's [[DullSurprise deadpan, almost bored-sounding response]] of "[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh, my God…]]" just as he's about to be shot.
24	!!2:
25	* There's plenty of MonumentalDamage throughout the franchise, but ''2'' goes the extra mile with Art/LadyLiberty. First strike sets her torch aflame, another [[ClothingDamage strips her down to a hot skimpy red bikini]], while another inexplicably makes her [[FanDisservice super fat]] (still in the bikini), before a last strike finally destroys the whole thing.
26	* The ending for Hammerhead has the duo drivers wishing they could fly. The moment Calypso says he granted their wish, they immediately jump off the building and fall to their deaths. Calypso's reaction shows he wasn't even planning for them to do that.
27	--> '''Calypso:''' ''(legitimately befuddled)'' Good thing these [[LiteralMinded first-class tickets]] are refundable…
28	* Upon selecting Spectre, Ken Masters' portrait changes to an image of him pulling down his shades and flashing a TwinkleSmile at the player.
29	* Spectre's ending has Ken Masters wish for the world to know his face. Calypso grants this by [[BodyHorror stretching his face out]] to cover the entire planet. [[NightmareFuel Horrifying on its own]], but it's Calypso's response afterward [[CrossesTheLineTwice that sells it]].
30	-->'''Calypso''': The driver of Spectre had gotten his wish! Now the entire world knew Ken's face. And to tell you the truth, I rather like seeing his face every day. It's a nice face. [[IRegretNothing I do not regret what I did]].
31	* In Shadow's ending, Mortimer tell Calypso he has a gift for him which turns out to be the souls lost in the competition who take Calypso away and leave him on the wing of a flying plane. What's amusing is how chill Calypso is about it. Doubles as a moment of awesome given how Mortimer manages to get one over on Calypso.
32	* Minion's ending. Especially [[AintTooProudToBeg Calypso's childish and frightened begging]] as Minion [[DraggedOffToHell throws him into Hell]]. Even more-so when you hear one of Calypso's reasons in his begging:
33	-->'''Calypso''': It's scary down there!
34	!!3:
35	* Minion's ending. Here, he just wants to go back to Hell, so Calypso grants that wish, sending him to Hell… ''Michigan''.
36	* Sweet Tooth's ending. His wish is to eat all the candy and sweets he wants. Cut to him having to get dental surgery because he didn't bother ''brushing and flossing.''
37	* Mr. Grimm's ending. Unlike the other endings, Calypso doesn't need to use his powers to grant his wish, which was his soul. He just stomps on him with the [[FunWithHomophones sole]] of his shoe.
38	!!4:
39	* Pizza Boy's wish is to get a super fast tricked out car for street racing. When he tries it out in a drag race, the rocket boosters are so powerful, it sends him flying into space and into a black hole.
40	---> '''Clown:''' "Instead of looking out for potholes, he should've been looking out for '''black holes'''! AH HAHAHAHA!"
41	* The Joneses want a simple wish of a brand-new feature-loaded RV camper and to have Sweet Tooth accompany them as the driver for their next vacation, which he obliges. Cut to them driving along a canyon road, singing "99 bottles of beer", and Sweeth Tooth grimacing at what he probably considers a FateWorseThanDeath... Before [[DrivenToSuicide turning sharply, forcing the RV off the road, careening into the canyon]].
42	** They list all of the features one at a time until the clown is finally fed up with their annoying behavior and ''demands'' that they end their wish.
43	* Meter Maid's ending has her deliver Sweet Tooth the bill for all of the [[ShockinglyExpensiveBill millions in unpaid traffic fines that he's racked up]], with a promise that he can pay it off with just a few minutes of... [[DoubleEntendre community]] [[PizzaBoySpecialDelivery service]]. Sweet Tooth's clown minion protests that he'd never take such a deal, only for Sweet Tooth himself, clearly thinking that Meter Maid's "deal" is a euphemism for sex with the babe in the {{stripperiffic}} meter maid uniform, to interrupt and tell him that he's taking the deal. When Sweet Tooth finds out [[ImaginedInnuendo it wasn't a euphemism]], all he can do is shake his head as he and his minions are forced into a driver's education course.
44	* General Warthog wishes for the greatest military machine on earth, fit for war in any terrain. Cut to him commanding what turns out to be a ''toy'' tank as a child's hand rolls it across a sandbox.
45	* [[Music/RobZombie Mr. Zombie's]] ending is both this and Awesome. having him apparently knowing who's Calypso and what will be the end of the tournament. His wish? "Let this world hear the wails and war cries of a dead man's soul." The wish is granted by having ''Rob Zombie'' as his real-life form performing "Superbeast", no strings attached.
46	!!Small Brawl:
47	* The premise itself could give a few laughs. This time Calypso is a neighborhood bully called Billy Calypso who still somehow has the power to grant wishes, who organizes an RC car demolition derby. The drivers this time are kids who want to get back at him for his bullying along with those who want their wish granted. So imagine someone like Spectre as a kid wearing a bedsheet ghost costume or Sweet Tooth as a kid in clown makeup.
48	* Shadow's driver Mortimer is a nerdy boy who just wants to rescue his pet frog from Calypso. In his ending, however, he decides to let Billy keep the frog. Why? Well, the frog has been [[NuclearMutant exposed to radiation]], and when the bully goes back to his shed, it bursts open revealing the frog mutated! He gives out a shrill cry as he's EatenAlive! Before that, you can hear Mortimer running off cheering "victory!".
49	* Warthog's ending involves a kid wearing a tank costume with a ''working cannon'' trying to blow up Calypso. The only thing is, Calypso has a cardboard cutout of himself standing over dynamite, and thus he ends up blowing himself up.
50	* Twister's wish was for a thrill ride, so she finds herself on a kiddie ride. Only Calypso reveals it's on top of a missile!
51	* Crimson Fury is a boy called Agent Stone who acts like a Film/JamesBond expy. In his ending, he encounters Calypso in a secret lair who's acting like such a cliche DiabolicalMastermind that he actually has a [[RightHandCat cat in his lap]] complete with exaggerated accent! And how does the agent dispatch the bully? By spraying his cat with a [[CatsHateWater water pistol]], complete with a great OhCrap face on the cat before getting sprayed. Agent Stone leaves and we see Billy Calypso [[IWantMyMommy crying for mommy]] in a corner!
52	* Outlaw is a kid wearing a cop uniform that clearly doesn't fit. He tries to blow up Calypso with a missile (never mind how he got it and how he hid it in that tiny RC car) but misses when Billy falls down a manhole. Guess what he hits instead. No really, guess. A ''real'' cop car. Cue Outlaw getting hauled off by the actual, very pissed-off police.
53	* Hammerhead's wish? To become a real rock star. Calypso's twist? The young metalhead is in a stereotypical late '90s BoyBand called the Silky Boys, and lets out a scream of despair as he realizes what Calypso did to him.
54	* Sweet Tooth's ending. All he wants is a little ice cream. Calypso gives him an ice cream truck asking if that's really all he wants. Sweet Tooth gives a sinister laugh, and we immediately cut to him driving down the road in a high-speed police chase with Calypso tied to the front!
55	* Slam gets revenge on Billy in the greatest way possible! The construction worker buries the bully in sand and puts a porta-potty on top of Calypso's head sticking out of the sand! The last we see of Calypso, a construction worker is going to the bathroom...
56	!!Black:
57	* No-Face's ending has some very amusing BlackComedy with how he gets his {{revenge}} on [[MadDoctor Dr. Hatch]]. Having the BackAlleyDoctor BoundAndGagged was a given, but having him ''hogtied to a boxing bag?'' Then Calypso giving a "special bonus" of a {{Red Boxing Glove\|s}} ''[[WolverineClaws with claws made of]] [[HoistByHisOwnPetard Hatch's surgical instruments?]]'' And ''then'' having No-Face's well-deserved ExtremeMeleeRevenge SmashToBlack with ''[[WackySoundEffect a boxing bell ringing?!]]'' This was CoolAndUnusualPunishment taken to the max, complete with the king of all [[QuipToBlack Quips to Black]].
58	--> "Ya know, [[{{Understatement}} that was the first time I ever knocked someone out with one punch]]."
59	* Black's ending. He enters Calypso's room, angrily growling Calypso's name, and wondering where he went... only for [[VillainExitStageLeft Calypso to be absent]], [[SomebodySetUpUsTheBomb having left behind a bomb]] and a post-it note saying "[[SoLongSuckers Screw you! Love, Calypso.]]". Cue StuffBlowingUp... and then a moment equally [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome Awesome]] as it is hilarious, [[NoSell as Black just gets back up]], [[{{Determinator}} and jumps back into Manslaughter to presumably keep chasing after Calypso]].
60	* Billy Ray's story is mostly serious, but the ending is made [[SoundtrackDissonance slightly humorous by the use of the song "Going Under" by Easy Pete]] while Billy is driving the plane into the pilot to viciously shred him to pieces.
61	* Sweet Tooth's story is mostly chilling, but there is a tiiiiny bit of levity in how he phrases things, being very matter-of-fact and blase with most of his dialogue that isn't about how killing feels good. Mid-narrating while he's in the middle of torturing someone, he proceeds to kill them for ''interrupting him''.
62	** His ending has a similar dash of comedy. When presented with the cure to his flaming head, he's ultimately given a choice to either stop killing, or live with the curse. No prize for guessing his decision.
63	--> '''Needles''': It took me all of ten seconds.
64	** Even his profile contains a tiny humorous tidbit. He's diagnosed with having an unspecified psychotic disorder, homicidal tendencies... and ''[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking insomnia]]''.
65	!!Head-On:
66	* Axel's ending. A MadScientist bound him to his old car, and forced him to enter Twisted Metal as payback for replacing the arms and legs Axel tore off in his ending in the second game. Axel was supposed to give his wish to the scientist, but after seeing all of the death and destruction caused by the contest, decides against it. Realizing what's happening, Dr. Zeemu shocks Axel, causing his wish to come out as, "I wish for Peace-AHHH!"
67	-->'''Calypso:''' "Peace-ahh?" ''Pizza!'' [[JackassGenie Your wish for pizza is granted!]] ''(Drops a single pepperoni pizza in from of Axel's vehicle)''
68	** After this, Zemu menacingly points out he can always get his wish granted ''next'' year, followed by a FadeToBlack… [[MoodWhiplash followed by Zemu asking if someone wants a slice of pizza]].
69	* Shadow's ending. One of the few times Calypso ''doesn't even try'' to screw over the winner for once (though he did try to suggest that Mortimer wish for killing the kids who woke him up). He actually complies with Mortimer's request and sends him back to sleep in his grave. How, you ask? In a move that's equal parts heartwarming and hilarious, he does so by ''reading him a bedtime story about his victory while he's lying in his coffin with a teddy bear, complete with '''[[StylisticSuck kindergarten-style crayon drawings]]!''''' Keep in mind ''both people involved are in their late 30s at the youngest''.
70	* Gene Ruttish's Ending has him with to become a ChickMagnet. While the end result is rather disturbing, there's also something hilarious about how even ''Calypso'' [[EvenTheGuysWantHim calls him "quite the catch"]] right after the wish is granted.
71	* Cousin Eddie's ending. Calypso is already pissed that Eddie shows up in the contest uninvited and refusing to grant his wish. However, Eddie forces him to fulfill his greatest wish: a better [truck]. What's funnier is the simple fact that Calypso is unable to spitefully twist such a simple wish from a simple-minded hillbilly like Eddie.
72	-->'''Calypso''': [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone What have I done...?]]
73	* In his ending, Chuckie Floop's last words before getting crushed to death by a pile of money are a mildly disappointed "Weak..."
74	!!The 2012 reboot:
75	* During the second phase of [[TrueFinalBoss Sweet Tooth's Carnival of Carnage]], you are put into a giant pinball machine full of {{Monster Clown}}s with {{chainsaw\|Good}}s and [[IncrediblyObviousBomb cartoon bombs]]. One bomb-toting clown you can summon looks and sounds a lot like [[SidekickCreatureNuisance Needles' midget minion]] from [[CanonDiscontinuity the fourth game]]. [[TakeThatScrappy You ram him with your car]], and [[StuffBlowingUp use him to blow up a large clown head blocking your path]].

Context Funny / TwistedMetal