Line #16 Funny/Transmetropolitan


1	* Yelena drunk at the election night party:
2	-->'''Yelena:''' Okay! I admit it! '''I FUCKED SPIDER JERUSALEM!''' ''[[BeatPanel (extremely awkward Beat Panel)]]'' What are you assholes staring at?
3	* I ''dare'' you to keep a straight face while imagining Patrick Stewart ''[[PatrickStewartSpeech reading]]'' the [[http://madeofmeat.livejournal.com/108804.html introduction]] he wrote for ''Lonely City''. Now, imagine this: Patrick Stewart tried to prove he was right for the part of Spider by ''getting up in the middle of a restaurant'' and reciting the "monstering" monologue from the issue of the same name. That must have scared the crap out of several patrons.
4	** In an anecdote told by Warren Ellis, Stewart claims that while waiting to be knighted he started thinking "What would Spider do?" and came to the conclusion he would headbutt Prince Charles. Prince Charles did say something to Stewart, but he was unable to remember what it was as he was using all his willpower to not headbutt the guy. Intrusive thoughts can be ''fun''...
5	* A combination [=CMOF=] and [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome CMOA]]. Yelena Rossini's dad does everything he can to help his daughter and Spider because they're doing the right thing. Knowing that the feed they're releasing from his house will quickly be traced, he waits for the StateSec troops to knock on his door. We get this response, ''while'' he's staring down the barrel of a huge gun:
6	--> '''Rossini''': Hello. I am Oscar Rossini, noted city philanthropist, a supporter of the party in government, active on a dozen political committees and a substantial donor of financial gifts. I have no criminal record, several awards, three of which were given to me by presidents, and a medal. ''(big nasty grin)'' I am also, finally, a television star. I'd like it if you could arrest me now. Because it will ensure that in a week's time you will be in a most unpleasant prison with the mutant erection of a career dog rapist deep in your colon.
7	** [[http://www.comicbookmovie.com/fansites/TheUndertow/news/?a=22123 Here]]'s an upgrade to the above. ''Imagine Patrick Stewart giving '''that''' speech!''
8	* ''Magical Truthsaying Bastard Spidey''.
9	** Along with the Lifetime-movie-of-the-week style sequence after that, and the porn flick sequence after that.
10	* When Spider found the group of "[[HolierThanThou fundamentalist Christians]]" trying to stone a man to death on the street for watching a skin flick with his girlfriend. After hearing them talk about how they're in the right and they deserve to beat a man to death with rocks, Spider just calmly pulls out his bowel disruptor and points it at their ringleader.
11	-->'''Spider Jerusalem''': Do you know what this is?
12	-->'''Rechristian''': No.
13	-->'''Spider Jerusalem''': It's a bowel disruptor. And you're just ''full'' of shit.
14	* "Do not offend the chair leg of truth. It is wise and terrible."
15	* Spider's drugs:
16	-->'''Spider Jerusalem''': Did you ever want to set someone's head on fire, just to see what it looked like? Did you ever stand in the street and think to yourself, I could make that nun go blind just by giving her a kiss? Did you ever lay out plans for stitching babies and stray cats into a Perfect New Human? Did you ever stand naked surrounded by people who want your gleaming sperm, squirting frankincense, soma and testosterone from every pore? If so, then you're the bastard who stole my drugs Friday night. And I'll find you. Oh, yes.
17	* "HEY! Bill Chimpfucker!"
18	* "Hold the front page!"
19	** "You're not fucking with my front page!"
20	*** '''''(PUNCH)'''''
21	* "Mister Sweeney!"
22	* After mounting the front of a car, Spider screams the following at the woman behind the wheel:
23	-->"Silence, vermin! I am in command here! Who did you vote for, vermin woman? ''Did'' you vote? Can you read? Have you got thumbs? SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING THUMBS! THUMBS!"
24	* When Spider starts digging into the Smiler's VP candidate-
25	--> '''Spider''': Royce, I need bribe money.
26	--> '''Royce''': ''([[FacePalm face palms]] and reaches for his cigarettes)'' Why?
27	--> '''Spider''': Because God has spoken to me, and God, he said, 'Son, you must find out who owns the Smiler's running mate.' and ''I'' said-"
28	-->''(Royce sticks four cigarettes in his mouth at once, looking resigned, while his secretary cheerfully provides a light.)''
29	* Qi having an argument with her computer, which has been paid to show her porn, and threatening to take away its drug simulators is hilarious in its own right, but what's funnier is what interrupts the conversation -
30	--> '''Spider''': ''(bursts into Qi's house unnanounced)'' Behold! Bring your finest meats and cheeses! Your greatest benefactor is made manifest in your tiny peasant's hovel!
31	--> '''Qi''': Why are you in my house? Why did you pick the lock? [[RuleOfThree Why can't I kill you just by wanting it?]]
32	* When Spider and the Filthy Assistants are fleeing from police:
33	--> '''Channon''': Okay, when I say "run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times", [[ShapedLikeItself run like fuck and commit assault on a police officer several times.]]
34	* Spider fucking hates Christmas:
35	-->'''Spider:''' ''(while being interviewed on the street)'' Fuck off. No family. No girlfriend. No friends. No love. No hope. No point. And ''Santa Claus is dead!'' I killed him! ''(clutches his crotch)'' [[CrossesTheLineTwice I killed him with THIS!]] ''(tears his shirt open)'' And I left his stinking corpse in an underground cavern where it is raped by hundreds of toxic-effluent-crazed gila monsters every second of every ''day!''
36	-->'''News reporter:''' Six thousand traumatized children taken to hospital after Jerusalem interview - TV station claims force majeur - Jerusalem's editor still unavailable for comment... In happier news, [[{{Squick}} Drink-My-Urine Day]] attracted record crowds this year...
37	* While in the middle of a phone call with Royce, Spider notices that his cat needs to pee - and lets it pee on the phone's receiver.
38	-->'''Spider:''' (to the cat) You're a filthy, disgusting whore. That's a terrible thing to do. Keep up the good work.
39	* On his way back into the City, Spider stops his car by the local bar, reminisces about his time spent there, and then blows it up with a rocket launcher.
40	-->'''Spider:''' The bar. Five years of pulling a gun before changing the channel and punching the barman in the neck for a clean glass. The only human contact I had for five years. Outside of the odd paramilitary vendetta. What a great bar. (beat) I hate it and everybody in it.
41	* The conclusion of the "Spider's son" subplot - when Spider returns to the Word, the boy - actually an android sent to assassinate him - suddenly starts speaking in a French accent, and tries to attack him. Instead, Spider grabs him and throws him out the window, where he explodes. Afterwards:
42	-->'''Royce:''' All right, let me say now that with your history of drug abuse, it ''was conceivable'' that you could produce a child with no head.
43	** And the subplot [[ContinuityNod gets a callback]] in the ''From The Mountain To The City'' made-for-TV movie; somehow, the writers found out about Spider's "son" (and that he had no head), and wrote in a tearful reunion during the film's [[HappilyEverAfter mega-happy ending]]!
44	** From the same arc, specifically page 21 of issue #11, we see Spider sitting in a public toilet. In the background a sign can be seen, which reads 'WRITING GRAFFITI ON THESE WALLS WILL INDUCE A CHEMICAL SPRAY CAUSING BLINDNESS'. Why is this funny? Because literally right next to it are the letters 'F', 'U', 'C', and what appears to be an unfinished 'K', implying not only that someone ignored the sign right in front of them, but that it was actually telling the truth.
45	* At one point, Channon has a boyfriend over, only for him to run away in a panic when Spider's cat confronts him.

Context Funny / Transmetropolitan