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1'''Moments pages are Administrivia/SpoilersOff. Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned.'''
2----
3
4[[foldercontrol]]
5
6[[folder:The Possum Lodge Word Game]]
7* Most installments of "The Possum Lodge Word Game", but one of the most iconic is where Harold is starting the game: "Dalton, you have thirty seconds to get my uncle Red to say this--", then sees the word, which is "SEX", and starts freaking out. Dalton, confused as ever, starts coughing exaggeratedly. Red, looking amongst them, dryly guesses "sex". Harold whoops loudly while Dalton rings the bell to end the game in a rather sarcastic way.
8* Another standout of the Word Game is where the word is "Wolves", and the contestant is Dalton. Every clue Red comes up with gets the same answer: "My wife's side of the family." Finally, Red catches on:
9-->'''Red''': Your wife's side of the family ''eating''.
10-->'''Dalton''': ''Wolves!''
11* In one "Possum Lodge Word Game", Red repeatedly tries to get Dougie to guess "Canada". After giving up in frustration, he holds up the card and says the word. Dougie says, [[CanadaDoesNotExist "Oh, that's still a country?"]] Made even funnier by the show actually taking place ''in'' Canada (which was one of Red's hints).
12** Dougie gets another one. After failing to make him guess "Love", Red says "I can't believe you can't guess this word!". Dougie [[ObfuscatingStupidity implies that he knew the word all along]] by saying "Well, Red. There hasn't been a woman alive that could make me say it, and even though you're a handsome man, you can't make me say it either!"
13** In a subsequent episode, Red again tries to get Dougie to guess "Love". This time, he is successful:
14--->'''Red:''' Your heart's pounding, you're barely touching the ground, you're in...\
15'''Dougie:''' ...fourth gear!\
16'''Red:''' No. Okay, you're with the one you dream about, you're everything, okay? You're in...\
17'''Dougie:''' ...my garage.\
18'''Red:''' ''(getting frustrated)'' Dougie, there's more to life than cars and monster trucks!\
19'''Dougie:''' You've never been in love, have you?
20** Later, other lodge members would try to guess "love", too, including Ed...:
21--->'''Red:''' This means never having to say you're sorry...\
22'''Ed:''' Bumping into a deaf guy?
23** ...and Dalton:
24--->'''Red:''' What is the point of Valentine's Day?\
25'''Dalton:''' Oh, I'm with you a hundred percent there, Red.
26* Another Red-Dalton exchange from the Word Game:
27-->'''Red''': Let's say your wife has a fancy dinner planned—
28-->'''Dalton''': KFC!
29** From the same Word Game (the answer is "HAND"):
30--->'''Red''': Five fingers...
31--->'''Dalton''': [[FlippingTheBird Five angry drivers]]!
32* In another Word Game (the answer is "TEENAGER"):
33-->'''Red''': To you, this person gets away with murder.
34-->'''Dalton''': ''(excitedly)'' Creator/OJSimpson! [[TakeThat O.J. Simpson!]]
35-->''(Dalton rings the bell to end the game, but Red throws up his hands, then waves dismissively before'' ''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere getting up to walk off]])''
36* One Word Game segment has Red try to get Dalton to guess the word "Charity," with every guess Dalton makes just showing what a skinflint he is (e.g., to Dalton, the Salvation Army is a place for affordable men's apparel). Red gets frustrated, and Harold says it's Red's fault for giving such bad clues. Red gives Harold a DeathGlare and asks Dalton what word comes to mind for the last time a girl went on a date with Harold. Right away, Dalton correctly says "charity," causing Red to chuckle and Harold to sulk.
37* In another Word Game, Ranger Gord is playing the game. As soon as Harold says go, Gord just starts [[WildMassGuessing shouting out random words]]. He ends up saying the word, "NOSTRIL", on a blind guess.
38* A Possum Lodge Word Game, Red is trying to get Winston to guess the word "artificial", and in typical formula fails horribly until the last moment when he has a stroke of brilliance:
39-->'''Red:''' Oh! Winston, do you remember that cheerleader you dated? The one with the great body?\
40'''Winston:''' (immediately becomes sad and hangs his head) ...Artificial.
41** Also in the same game...
42--->'''Red:''' When something is fake, it's...\
43'''Winston:''' [[{{Kayfabe}} ...wrestling.]]
44** The game then continues for a while before Harold abruptly exclaims, [[BrickJoke "Hey, wait a second! Wrestling's fake?!"]]
45* Another Possum Lodge Word Game, with Mike trying to guess "slip".
46-->'''Red:''' This is something that people are afraid will happen to them in the shower.\
47(Extremely long, awkward pause, as Mike's expression says it all.)\
48'''Mike:''' ...At home, or [[PrisonRape in prison]]?\
49''(Another long pause as the audience laughs)''\
50'''Red:''' At home.\
51'''Mike:''' Oh. Slip.
52* Yet another Word Game, where Dalton tries to guess "paranoid":
53-->'''Red:''' You have two slippers. That makes a...\
54'''Dalton:''' ...pair.\
55'''Red:''' Someone bugs you, you get...\
56'''Dalton:''' ...annoyed.\
57'''Red:''' Put 'em together, put 'em together.\
58'''Dalton:''' Are you saying someone is stealing my slippers to annoy me? ''({{Beat}})'' You know, it's probably my neighbor! He's trying to get me! He thinks I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.\
59'''Red:''' Okay, and he thinks that way because he's...\
60'''Dalton:''' ''(smiling smugly)'' ...caught me ''doing'' it.
61* In one Possum Lodge Word Game segment, Kevin tries to get Red to guess the word "sushi":
62-->'''Kevin:''' When you go to a Japanese restaurant, what do you eat?\
63'''Red:''' I don't go to a Japanese restaurant.\
64'''Kevin:''' I know you don't, but if you did, what would you eat?\
65'''Red:''' Pizza.\
66'''Kevin:''' They don't serve pizza.\
67'''Red:''' No, I bring it with me.\
68'''Kevin:''' They don't let you do that.\
69'''Red:''' That's why I don't go!
70* In another Possum Lodge Word Game, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "unsafe":
71-->'''Red:''' If you just leave dynamite lying around, that would be...\
72'''Edgar:''' Oh, handy.\
73'''Red:''' But let's say nutbars and lunatics get a hold of dynamite. Then that would be...\
74'''Edgar:''' ...Texas.
75* In yet another Possum Lodge Word Game, Red tries to get Ranger Gord to guess the word "water":
76-->'''Red:''' This is something you drink.\
77'''Gord:''' Vinegar and sap.\
78'''Red:''' No, sorry, that was my fault. This is something ''normal'' people drink.\
79'''Gord:''' Beer.\
80'''Red:''' Okay, but this has no taste to it.\
81'''Gord:''' ''American'' beer?
82* Just the goofy way moderator Harold [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5oV6vhY1PY&t=4m52s announces]] the word "dead" in the "Possum Lodge Word Game" from "The Winter Carnival".
83* The "Word Game" from the season 6 opener is one of the best ever for the show, and that's saying something. The word is "father".
84--> '''Red''': All right, Mike, your mother is married to...\
85'''Mike''': [[MarriedToTheJob Uh, her job. Exotic dancing's her life.]]\
86'''Red''': Alright, okay, okay, I'm talking about, the man who take care of you when you were young was your...\
87'''Mike''': Truant officer.\
88'''Red''': No, this– this is a family member, Mike. The man who slept with your mother.\
89'''Mike''': [[ReallyGetsAround ...Could you be more specific?]]\
90'''Red''': Okay, growing up with just a mom, you knew you had a...\
91'''Mike''': Curfew.\
92'''Red''': Another word for "daddy".\
93'''Mike''': Lifer.\
94'''Red''': Alright, alright, Mike, if your wife has kids, you'll be...\
95'''Mike''': [[DisappearedDad Long gone]].\
96'''Red''': Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Just like your...\
97'''Mike''': Father.\
98'''Red''': There we go! ''(repeatedly rings bell)''
99* Two Word Game moments with Buzz...
100** In one, he has to guess the word "breakfast":
101-->'''Red:''' On your birthday, your girlfriend brings you ''something'' in bed.\
102'''Buzz:''' ''(leans in close, surprised)'' You want me to say ''that?!''
103** In another, he has to guess the word "nudist":
104-->'''Red:''' If a woman doesn't believe in wearing clothes, you would call her a...\
105'''Buzz:''' ''(ecstatic)'' [[AManIsAlwaysEager A lot!]]
106* Whenever [[{{Keet}} Mike announces that it is time for the Word Game]], it's guaranteed hilarity.
107* Yet another Red-Dalton exchange on the Word Game; the word is "About":
108-->'''Red:''' When a soldier turns around and goes in the opposite direction, they call that...\
109'''Dalton:''' [[CheeseEatingSurrenderMonkeys ...the French]].
110* On two separate occasions, the contestant successfully says the word in question by mentioning [[ButtMonkey Harold]]. On one such occasion, Mike has to say "Blame":
111-->'''Red:''' Let's say I do something stupid. Everybody knows I did it. I go to the lodge meeting, and what do I do?\
112'''Mike:''' Blame Harold.
113** The second time occurs when Dalton tries to get Red to say "Trust":
114--->'''Dalton:''' You give Harold something to do, he botches it up as usual, what are the first words out of your mouth?\
115'''Red:''' ''(looking toward Harold)'' Trust you to screw things up!\
116''(Dalton rings the bell, ending the game)''
117* The entirety of the Word Game from one season 11 episode, where Red himself has to guess the word "celibate". It all begins when Dalton announces the word -- [[HehHehYouSaidX and then, having realized what he just said, covers his mouth, trying not to laugh]].
118-->'''Harold:''' Okay, okay, okay, okay! Uncle Red! All right, um... what do you call a person who's never had any form of sexual activity?\
119'''Red:''' Harold.\
120'''Harold:''' ''[offended]'' [[IResembleThatRemark I don't have to be here for this, you know!]]\
121'''Red:''' Alright, c'mon, c'mon!\
122'''Harold:''' Okay, alright, um... no, no, it's not a name, but it is- but it ''is'' a descriptive word for someone who doesn't have sex.\
123'''Red:''' Ugly.\
124'''Harold:''' No, no, no, no. It's, it's a, it's a, it's a part of someone's life when, when they, when they're not interested in intimate contact.\
125'''Red:''' Death?\
126'''Harold:''' No. Okay, it's a, it's a decision they make!\
127'''Red:''' Alright.\
128'''Harold:''' Decision they make, and they say, "No! No! No, no sexual activity for me, please, because I'm..."\
129'''Red:''' "...married." ''[Dalton nods in rueful agreement]''\
130'''Harold:''' No. Okay, most religious workers are this...\
131'''Red:''' Tax exempt?\
132'''Harold:''' ''[surprised]'' Tax exempt? Why would you even think tax exempt?\
133'''Dalton:''' ''[twirling his hand in a "Hurry!" gesture]'' Time's almost up!\
134'''Harold:''' Alright, okay, um... oh! Okay, okay, Uncle Red, well... um, okay! What do you do during trout season to earn extra money?\
135'''Red:''' Sell bait.\
136''[Harold wryly rings the bell, ending the game, against Dalton's objections, likely about the choice of words. Red defiantly snatches up the prize coupon for 12,000 gallons of crude oil (currently floating on the north end of Possum Lake) as Harold and Dalton argue.]''
137* In one episode, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "pool":
138-->'''Red:''' Say "loop" backwards.\
139'''Edgar:''' ''[[LiteralMinded (turning his back to Red)]]'' [[LiteralMinded Loop.]]
140* In another episode, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "passion".
141-->'''Red:''' This is an exotic fruit.\
142'''Edgar:''' Red, I think the politically-correct term is "alternate lifestyle".
143* In another episode, Red tries to get Dougie to guess the word "manners":
144-->'''Red:''' When someone belches at the table, that's a sign of bad...\
145'''Dougie:''' ...burritos.\
146'''Red:''' When you belch at the table, your mom says, "Mind your..."\
147'''Dougie:''' "...spray."
148* In another episode, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "delicate":
149-->'''Red:''' What word comes to mind when you think of bone china or crystal?\
150'''Edgar:''' Oops!
151* In another episode, Red tries to get Edgar to guess the word "fuse":
152-->'''Red:''' Candles have wicks, but with dynamite, it's different.\
153'''Edgar:''' Oh yeah, with dynamite, you don't have to cut the birthday cake after.
154* In another episode, Red tries to get Mike to guess the word "investment", but Mike tries to peek at the word by not covering his ears when he is supposed to. Harold catches him peeking and sarcastically announces that the word is "cheater". As Red then starts the game, Mike immediately exclaims, "Cheater!" Harold responds by opening his mouth in phony shock.
155** Then during the actual game, this happens:
156--->'''Red:''' You put a lot of work and effort into this, but it pays off money in the long run.\
157'''Mike:''' A bank robbery?\
158'''Red:''' No, no, Mike, you already have money.\
159'''Mike:''' No, I don't.\
160'''Red:''' Well, just imagine that you do.\
161'''Mike:''' Oh.\
162'''Red:''' So you need to make a...\
163'''Mike:''' ...quick getaway.\
164'''Red:''' No, no, no, Mike, this money didn't come from a robbery, you ''earned'' it.\
165'''Mike:''' Oh, like a reward when you squeal on a guy, right?\
166'''Red:''' Right. All right, so you want to make sure you have that money when you get older, so you need to find a good...\
167'''Mike:''' ...handgun.\
168'''Red:''' ''(sternly)'' Mike, you're on parole, okay? You can't use a handgun.\
169'''Mike:''' No, no, I wouldn't ''use'' it, Mr. Green, it's sort of an investment.
170* There is also the time where Red tries to get Ed to guess the word "duck", which doubles as a TakeThat:
171-->'''Red:''' This is an animated cartoon; real wacky. [[WesternAnimation/DonaldDuck Donald...]]\
172'''Ed:''' [[Creator/DonaldTrump ...Trump.]]
173** Was this HilariousInHindsight or HarsherInHindsight? You decide.
174* And then there's the time where Dalton has to say "Purse"...
175-->'''Red:''' A French woman calls this her "porte monnaie", but an English woman calls it her...\
176''[[HehHehYouSaidX (Dalton becomes surprised and covers his mouth, trying not to laugh, which annoys Red to no end)]]''
177* Three more moments with Mike on the Word Game. In one, he has to say "Serve":
178-->'''Red:''' It's a restaurant, you go into the restaurant, and the waitress comes over to...\
179'''Mike:''' Hassle me.\
180'''Red:''' Mike, she's friendly. She says, "Can I ''something'' you?"\
181'''Mike:''' ...Well, how friendly is she?
182** In another, he has to say "Lawn":
183--->'''Red:''' You know the place you live in now? What do you have out front?\
184'''Mike:''' Um, tires? A rusty bike? Shopping cart? A Camaro on cement blocks? A Trans-Am on wooden blocks? A Ford pickup on fire?\
185'''Red:''' No, all right, ''under'' the vehicles, what do you have?\
186'''Mike:''' Dogs.\
187'''Red:''' No, this is a fuzzy green thing...\
188'''Mike:''' Oh, that old sick cat? I think he's got a disease 'cause the dogs won't bite him no more.
189*** Moments later...
190---->'''Red:''' If you have a bunch of grass, you get...\
191'''Mike:''' Two years less a day?
192** And in a third, Mike has to say "Lucky":
193--->'''Red:''' When you were born, your dad came to the hospital. He saw you were kind of cute and cuddly, and he felt very...\
194'''Mike:''' ...trapped.\
195'''Red:''' No. All right, then, all right, then your mum, eh? Your mum, when she saw you, she realized she was really...\
196'''Mike:''' ...bad at math.
197* There's also the time when Dalton had to say "feelings":
198-->'''Red:''' Emotions.\
199'''Dalton:''' Messy.\
200'''Red:''' No, emotions.\
201'''Dalton:''' Weird.\
202'''Red:''' What's in your heart?\
203'''Dalton:''' Triple bypass.\
204'''Red:''' No, you know, the stuff that's in there...\
205'''Dalton:''' Cholesterol.\
206'''Red:''' When someone says something mean, it hurts your...\
207'''Dalton:''' ...chances for a promotion.\
208'''Red:''' All right, the way you react to friends and family...\
209'''Dalton:''' Defense mechanism!\
210''(At this point, Harold reminds Red that he's almost out of time)''\
211'''Red:''' The most annoying song ever written...?\
212'''Dalton:''' [[TakeThat "Feelings"!]]\
213''(Red rings the bell, ending the game)''
214* There have been at least ''two'' [[ChristmasSpecial Red Green Christmas specials]] over the course of its run, each with its own word in the Word Game. In one, Mike has to guess the word "giving":
215-->'''Red:''' Christmas is a time for...\
216'''Mike:''' ...lighter sentences.\
217'''Red:''' Okay, you wrap up a present and you give it to someone. What is that called?\
218'''Mike:''' ''(feeling guilty)'' Selling narcotics.
219** In the second, Edgar has to guess the word "Christmas":
220--->'''Red:''' What do you call it when the fat jolly guy comes down your chimney?\
221'''Edgar:''' Oh, Dad lost his key again.\
222'''Red:''' Come on, Edgar! You know, if you would concentrate, we would get this.\
223'''Edgar:''' Well, if "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, we'd all have a merry Christmas.
224* In one of the last episodes of the show, with Harold and Bonnie engaged, Harold hosts the Word Game, where Red tries to get Bonnie to say "man":
225-->'''Red:''' What has more muscles than a woman?\
226'''Bonnie:''' A seafood casserole!\
227''(She points at Harold and they both laugh)''\
228'''Harold:''' That's because it's... ''(glances toward Red)'' It's true a little!\
229'''Red:''' ''(bemused)'' I'm surrounded here.
230** Then Harold stops laughing as Red tries again...
231--->'''Red:''' Okay, Bonnie, you're gonna marry Harold, and you're going to make a ''what'' out of him?\
232'''Bonnie:''' ''(toward Harold, smiling suggestively)'' A lot of babies!\
233''(Red facepalms himself as Harold suddenly freaks out at what his fiancee just said. She nods while he gasps for breath at what he realizes what he's getting himself into)''\
234'''Harold:''' Uncle Red, you're almost out of time.\
235'''Red:''' ''(shakes head)'' You should talk.
236* And let's not forget the very last episode of the show, in which Dalton has to say "finale" (Mike, serving as host, [[EndOfSeriesAwareness becomes sad when he shows off this word]]):
237-->'''Red:''' Okay, Dalton, what do you call when it's over?\
238'''Dalton:''' Marriage.\
239'''Red:''' No, no, I'm talking about, you're at, say, a symphony concert. What do you call the ending?\
240'''Dalton:''' Oh, time to wake up! ''(laughs)''\
241'''Red:''' Okay, okay, every year, at the end of the Possum Lake fireworks display, there's a huge...\
242'''Dalton:''' Oh, insurance claim.\
243'''Red:''' Okay, no, no, okay, okay, Dalton, think "big" and "finish"...\
244'''Dalton:''' ''(confused)'' Erik the Red?\
245'''Red:''' ''(also confused)'' No, okay, no, this is... No, this is not a person. Okay, Dalton, do you know what a climax is?\
246'''Dalton:''' ''(sighs and tries to think)'' I used to.\
247'''Mike:''' ''(looking at his watch)'' Uh, we're almost out of time, Mr. Green.\
248'''Red:''' Okay, okay, okay, Dalton, when people see the last episode of the show, what will they say?\
249'''Dalton:''' "Oh, finally!"\
250''(Red rings the bell, ending the game)''
251* How the hosts describe some of the prizes in the game are also hilarious.
252--> '''Mike''': And today's winner will receive a new house... roof... shingle. ''(holds up a shingle)''
253--> '''Winston''': Today's prize is a coupon for three kisses at Brenda's kissing booth at the Possum Lake Fall Fair. Brenda's pleased to announce [[NoodleIncident that the tests came back negative,]] so she's back in business! That's Brenda's kissing booth: kisses $1, ask about [[TheOldestProfession our other prices]].
254--> '''Mike''': Today's winner will receive this coupon for 200 free air sickness bags, good for enjoying your lunch before or after you eat it.
255* One prize for the Word Game is a package of ground beef with a note that says, "If you come across a finger, you can keep it, but we would like the ring back."
256[[/folder]]
257
258[[folder:Red's Campfire Songs]]
259* Some of Red's campfire songs. One example:
260-->♪ Oh, a horse with a horn's called a unicorn\
261♪ A horse with stripes is called a zebra\
262♪ A horse with wings is called a pegasus\
263♪ And a horse with a broken leg is called glue♪
264* And another:
265-->♪ Oh, the mountain is high and the valley is low\
266♪ It's the laws of nature that make it so\
267♪ If the valley is high and the mountain is low\
268♪ You're either upside down or drunk or both♪
269* And a third:
270-->'''Red''':♪ Did you ever have a dream that you were falling\
271♪ Well, chances are you're not really falling\
272♪ Unless you fell asleep skydiving\
273♪ And that's not really recommended♪
274-->'''Harold''': If you read the instructions, you'd know that.
275* And a fourth, from "The New Doctor":
276-->'''Red''':♪ Fingers are handy, you must understand\
277♪ You can do more things with your fingers than you can count on one hand\
278♪ Work with them, point with them, pick with them, scratch\
279♪ But if you give a big guy the finger, you may not get it back♪
280* And who could forget that classic Christmas carol: "Cheesy, the Christmas Rat"?
281-->(Brackets indicate Harold singing)\
282♪ He comes down the chimney on Christmas Eve\
283♪ After we've all gone to bed\
284♪ He's not all that nice or jolly\
285♪ Until after he's been fed\
286♪ He's got beady eyes, and yellow teeth\
287♪ And his fur drops off when he moults\
288♪ His tail kinda wiggles and dances and jiggles\
289♪ Like a snake takin' 300 volts!\
290♪ He's Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat\
291♪ Long and smelly and pretty darn fat\
292♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat\
293♪ Dropping a little surprise in your hat\
294♪ He comes with a gift! You don't have to beg!\
295♪ He's here to give everyone bubonic plague!\
296♪ Cheesy! (Cheesy!) The Christmas Rat\
297♪ And that's why everybody..... should have a gun! ♪\
298Merry Christmas.
299* And this sixth one:
300-->♪ Oh, the twins can sleep on the table
301-->♪ And Aunt Helen can sleep in the chair
302-->♪ Uncle Toby just sucked down my beer,
303-->♪ So he can sleep pretty much anywhere as far as I'm...
304-->♪ Joyce has camped out in the boathouse
305-->♪ Fritz has the kitchen floor
306-->♪ And that brand new little baby is looking kind of dangerous,
307-->♪ So he can sleep in the silverware drawer
308-->♪ Oh, my sisters can bunk in with Mum
309-->♪ I'll sleep in an orange crate
310-->♪ Fred and John and Bruce and Lon
311-->♪ Al and Tom and Joe and Don
312-->♪ Can sleep in the car and asphyxiate
313-->♪ It's okay to rent a cottage
314-->♪ With the sun shining down on the lake
315-->♪ But telling all your friends and relatives
316-->♪ Believe me, is a big mistake ♪
317** The one about wrinkly dogs from "Harold's Leaving":
318-->♪ Well have you ever seen a wrinkled dog, covered with creases and folds?
319-->♪ Either too much skin or not enough bones, it makes him look tired and old.
320-->♪ A wrinkly dog seemed odd to me, kinda dangerous jumpin' a fence.
321-->♪ But since I put on a pound or two, extra skin makes a lot more sense.
322** The one about dating a librarian:
323-->♪ Oh she worked at the local library, though we had never met,
324-->♪ I was walking, it started to rain, and I'd rather be bored than wet.
325-->♪ So I ducked inside the library door, and saw her stamping some books.
326-->♪ My decimals all got Dewey, when she gave me that literary look.
327-->♪ Oh I pretended I liked reading books, as I asked her out to the dance,
328-->♪ She classified me as fiction, and then later that moved to romance.
329-->♪ You can't judge a book by its cover, that librarian had me astounded.
330-->♪ She had both brains and beauty, not just well read, but well rounded.
331-->♪ Love is hard to read, and librarians are often fickle.
332-->♪ I returned her home ten minutes late, and she had the nerve to fine me a nickel!
333** Red's comfortable with himself:
334-->♪ Oh, I like honey, I like jam,
335-->♪ I like myself just the way I am.
336-->♪ I don't mind the pimples and I don't mind the warts,
337-->♪ And I really don't care how bad I look in shorts.
338-->♪ I got skinny arms and a great big nose,
339-->♪ I got hair in my ears and hair on my toes.
340-->♪ People say I'm ugly, but I don't make a fuss,
341-->♪ 'Cause I always get a seat by myself. On the bus.
342** Here's yet another campfire song:
343-->♪ Oh, there are certain things you should never do\
344♪ Like donate things that you find on your shoe\
345♪ Don't have a nap in the middle of the road\
346♪ And don't ever lick a toad\
347♪ No, don't lick a toad, don't lick it\
348♪ You're better off to just kick it\
349♪ Or better still, leave it alone, it wasn't bothering you any\
350♪ No, don't lick a toad, don't lick it\
351♪ Just say no to toads♪
352** And this one:
353-->♪ How smart can you be?\
354♪ You'll never know 'til you try.\
355♪ How far can you go?\
356♪ You'll never know 'til you try.\
357♪ Are you slow or are you quick?\
358♪ You'll never know until you poke a mountain lion with a stick.♪
359* This campfire song from "The Running of the Bulls":
360-->'''Red:'''♪ Oh, your kite got caught in a high-tension wire.\
361♪ You thought you could get it down.\
362♪ So you leaned your ladder up against the pole,\
363♪ And you heard a funny sound.\
364♪ You climbed and you climbed way up to the top\
365♪ Where the ladder touched the transformer.\
366♪ You grabbed the wire to free your kite\
367♪ And you noticed your hand getting warmer.\
368'''Red and Harold:''' ''(in unison)'' ♪ Ohhhhhh...\
369'''Red:''' ♪ Sparks flew out and away you went,\
370♪ With one arm noticeably enlarged.\
371♪ Now, normally, the cops would make an arrest,\
372♪ But they can see you've already been charged. ♪
373* From "Swiss It Up":
374-->'''Red:'''♪ Oh, he popped a wheelie right there by the door, the tires are smokin' good.\
375♪ He misses a shift from second to third, and a flame pops up under the hood!\
376♪ He hits the wall in a four-wheel drift, but that's the price you pay,\
377♪ When you go to the fancy hotel in town, and you hand your car keys to the valet.
378* The very first campfire song, about skinnydipping:
379--> '''Red''': ♪ On a clear summer night when the warm summer breeze\
380♪ comes down to the water and rustles the trees\
381♪ The bunch of us meet there and... strip to the buff\
382♪ 'Cause boys will be boys, and enough is enough\
383♪ We go skinnydippin'\
384♪ Flop and flippin'\
385♪ When nature's callin'\
386♪ We go cannonballin'\
387♪ Heart rate rises, spirit soars, the moon you see might even be yours\
388♪ Skinnydippin'\
389♪ Slappin' my butt on the lake. ♪
390* A trip to the family cottage:
391--> ♪ '''Red''': Oh, we're headin' for the cottage at the break of dawn,\
392♪ Got our seatbelt buckled and our helmets on.\
393♪ Daddy's in a bad mood, mommy's in a funk,\
394♪ Got the boat on the roof and the dog in the trunk.\
395♪ Oh, we're headin' to the cottage and the traffic's gettin' tight,\
396♪ Car's gettin' hot and there's gonna be a fight.\
397♪ So I'm starin' out the window, bein' as quiet as I get,\
398♪ 'Cause I don't want my last words to be, "Are we there yet?!"
399* Moose Thompson with no shirt:
400--> ♪ '''Red''': There's no excuse, but here comes Moose,\
401♪ and he hasn't got a shirt on.\
402♪ Like a kodiak with his hairy back,\
403♪ and a week and a half of dirt on.\
404♪ Oh there's a big roll of fat, holds his smokes and that,\
405♪ It's sure not a sight to please,\
406♪ I'm also told that one of his rolls\
407♪ holds his wallet and his snowmobile keys.\
408♪ Oh, there's all his tattoos out there to view,\
409♪ some of them are really groovy,\
410♪ and it's really neat when he walks down the street...\
411♪ '''Red and Harold''': ...It's like bein' at a drive-in movie!♪
412* In "The Firewood Project":
413-->♪ Trapper Jack was huntin' bear,\
414♪ A dangerous hobby at best.\
415♪ They brought him back to the doctor in town,\
416♪ And he was a heck of a mess.\
417♪ There was some assembly required,\
418♪ Mostly teeth and bones and hair.\
419♪ Jack had always been good with a knife,\
420♪ But unfortunately, not quite as good as the bear.
421* In "Father and Son Banquet":
422-->♪ People thought I was line-dancing when I jumped up and spun on the chair.\
423♪ So they joined in and did what I did, kicking one foot in the air.\
424♪ We danced in a line out the front door and down by the cedar grove.\
425♪ It turned out I wasn't line-dancing at all, I had just stubbed my toe on the stove. ♪
426* This one about Old Man Sedgwick from "Fire Brigade":
427--> ♪ '''Red''': Shoulda seen Old Man Sedgwick last night,\
428♪ Dancing in the lodge by the pale moonlight.\
429♪ He jumped on the table and hopped through the stew,\
430♪ He leaped on the mantle and yelled twice and through a shoe.\
431♪ He jigged on the wood stove and burned off his sock,\
432♪ He danced out the front door and splashed off the dock.\
433♪ He bounced on the bottom, going way down the lake.\
434♪ Man, when he gets a charlie horse, it's a dandy! ♪
435* The one about being in the bathroom from "The Splinter Lodge":
436--> ♪ '''Red''': Oh, you got your book, you hear the knock,\
437♪ But you don't care, the door is locked.\
438♪ Let them pound and yell and scream and shout. ''(Harold bangs a bucket to the beat)''\
439♪ You got what they want, you got what they need,\
440♪ But you got there first with something to read,\
441♪ And they'll just have to learn to do without. ''(drums)''\
442♪ The john is the only place where a man\
443♪ Can put up his feet and turn on the fan\
444♪ And read a book and know what it's actually about. ''(drums)''\
445♪ Oh, but don't let it go to the bitter end,\
446♪ 'Cause every five minutes, you lose another friend,\
447♪ And they'll be all be waiting to kill you when you finally come out. ♪
448* The one about fat dogs in "The Science Fair":
449--> ♪ '''Red''': Oh, if you see a big fat dog waddling down the road,\
450♪ Don't you be too critical of his extra-wide load.\
451♪ If you've ever tasted dog food, you gotta tip your hat\
452♪ To an animal who could actually overeat on a diet of crap like that. ♪
453* The one about your nose:
454--> ♪ '''Red''': It's so easy to fool your senses, you can't believe what you see,\
455♪ But your nose knows the inside story, it can't be tricked by the powers that be.\
456♪ So whenever you make a decision, take a whiff of the air like this, ''(sniffs)''\
457♪ 'Cause it may walk like a duck and talk like a duck, but if it smells kinda cheesy, it is. ♪
458* The one about having a hog as a family pet:
459--> ♪ '''Red''': If you find yourself looking for a family pet, I'd say get yourself a hog.\
460♪ They're smart and friendly and they won't run away, and they're a lot easier to train than a dog. ''(Harold howls)''\
461♪ And when the time comes when the dog passes on, ''(Harold whimpers)'' you'll find your heart is achin'.\
462♪ But the pain of losing a hog is eased by the bonus of all that bacon. ''(Harold squeals)'' ♪
463* The one about hunting in the Arctic:
464--> ♪ '''Red''': I'm up past the tundra where the polar bears dance,\
465♪ I got snow in my face and ice in my pants.\
466♪ I'm fishing the Arctic and I just had to phone ya,\
467♪ 'Cause I caught something big:\
468♪ '''Harold''': Double pneumonia! ''(laughs)'' ♪
469* The one about Duffy's joints:
470--> ♪ '''Red''': Oh, Duffy's joints were loose and loud, you'd swear that they were breakin'\
471♪ He'd twist his knuckles and crack his knees, he sounded like a popcorn maker.\
472♪ He'd snap his back and ripple his spine, doing it all with a big stupid grin,\
473♪ Then he slipped and fell 300 feet on a rock, and that was the last crack we heard from him. ♪
474* The one about dating ugly guys:
475--> ♪ '''Red''': A word to all you young ladies when you're out there looking for a mate:\
476♪ Find yourself an ugly guy, and that's the one you should date.\
477♪ 'Cause ugly guys are nicer, ugly guys are smart,\
478♪ Ugly guys will love you faithfully.\
479♪ Ugly guys are honest, ugly guys are true,\
480♪ 'Cause when you got the face like the back end of a bovine, you pretty well ''have'' to be. ♪
481* The one about Red being a racehorse:
482--> ♪ '''Red:''' Ohhhhhhhh, I wish I'd been born a racehorse,\
483♪ Because, I'll tell you, that sounds like a pretty good go,\
484♪ With a trainer and a 90-pound jockey,\
485♪ Who would ride me for a minute or so.\
486♪ Well, I'd win the daily double,\
487♪ The trifecta and the exacter.\
488♪ 'Cause I know what a stud farm is,\
489♪ And motivation would be a significant factor! ♪
490* There's also this one about a whisker on Red's nose (from "Sedgwick the Tenant"):
491--> ♪ '''Red:''' Oh, I have one whisker on the end of my nose,\
492♪ And the more I shave it, the more it grows.\
493♪ I waxed and stretched 'til it was 40 inches long,\
494♪ And then it was hit by lightning and I was forced to rethink the whole project. ♪
495* Here's one from an early episode of the show:
496--> ♪ '''Red:''' I'm not a malcontent in any way.\
497♪ I don't believe in dreaming your whole life away.\
498♪ But if I had one wish for the Good Lord to grant,\
499♪ I'd wish to take a wet towel to a nudist camp.\
500♪ Smack, smack, smack!\
501♪ Oh, sorry, didn't see you there.\
502♪ Drip, drip, drip!\
503♪ They don't call it ice water for nothing.\
504♪ Slap, floop, ah!\
505♪ You don't have to spend money to have fun. ♪ ''(spoken, to Harold)'' That's a truism, Harold.\
506'''Harold:''' ''(giggling)'' [[HehHehYouSaidX You said "nudist".]]
507* There's this one also on how well Red can sing:
508--> ♪ '''Red:''' Oh, I can sing low as a bullfrog,\
509♪ Even when they're in heat.\
510♪ But I can't sing as high as an eagle,\
511♪ Because they sing at ''[[SuddenlyShouting 20,000 FEET!!]]'' ♪
512[[/folder]]
513
514* In one episode, Red says that he wants to take up astronomy. Harold [[NoFourthWall turns to the audience]] and says, "Well, he's always been good at staring off into space."
515* In "Twinning," the Possum Lodge sets up an exchange program with the state of Iowa. Turns out all of the new arrivals are Expys of the Possum Lodge members. Cue Red [[SimilarSquad meeting expys of Dalton, Edgar, Winston and Mike...]] then ''himself'', prompting a little bit of anger.
516-->'''Red''': Okay, if my wife is watching, that man is NOT me! When I hop into bed tonight, you better check my personal ID, and I think you know what I mean by that!
517* In one episode, Red and Dalton both wrench their backs and go to a masseuse, who makes them both feel much better. Mike also goes there just because. At the end of the episode, Red and Dalton both discover that the masseuse is really an undercover cop... a MALE undercover cop in drag, no less, they are both {{Squick}}ed, but Mike seems fine. When he does his sign-off, Red tells his wife that if she is home, which he hopes for once she is not, he'll go home to bathe in boiling bleach, and adds, "And to the rest of you... sorry you watched!" At the lodge meeting, after they say, "I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess," Red quickly adds, "But not ''that'' much!"
518* In the movie, when everyone rises at the courthouse, Edgar folds his arms over himself and starts to say "Quando omni flunkus moritati" before the others cut him off.
519* When Red and Harold return from the local science fair, completely blackened and singed down one side of their bodies.
520-->'''Red''': Whose project exploded?
521-->'''Harold''': You mean the first time?
522* In one early episode (Season 3), Red started a volunteer fire brigade. The audience couldn't stop laughing when he entered having just put out the first fire. (It was the ''fire truck'', at that.) Harold becomes amused at Red's misfortune, to which Red promptly blasts Harold with his fire extinguisher. Red then discusses how the fire truck got burned (they kept on painting it to try to match their local fire department until the paint ran off the vehicle and came in contact with a barbecue). In closing:
523-->'''Red''': Now the truck is not red or yellow anymore, it's just more of a basic black. Now the question is, what can you do with a useless, burned-out wreck?\
524'''Harold''': Well, you could make it host of its own show!
525* During the lodge luau:
526-->'''Red''': Shouldn't you be out there surfing?
527-->'''Harold''': I'm not leaving till that fire is out!
528-->'''Red''': What do you care, you're on Possum Lake.
529-->'''Harold''': That's what's on fire!
530* And then there's the Handyman Corner segment from one Season 3 episode in which Red creates, as only he can, some anniversary gifts for his wife, including a lady shaver and a hair dryer, both of which he experiments on Harold. The lady shaver part is particularly priceless: Red sticks a strip of duct tape on Harold's leg and then snaps it off. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn5oxjirWJc&t=4m31s After an obviously-pained Harold tells Red that it didn't hurt, he leaves, after which he just starts screaming in pain.]]
531* Red tries to make a movie about himself and holds auditions. After going through several people auditioning for the parts of Red and Harold (with Harold auditioning to play ''himself''), he gets to Edgar Montrose...who auditions to play ''Bernice''. Red immediately shouts "Next!"
532* Red fills his house with discarded road signs, putting a recreation area sign outside of the bedroom he shares with his wife and a self-service sign on Harold's bedroom door.
533* In one segment, [[TheMunchausen Hap]] laments the fact that there's so much crap on TV today, that it almost makes him sorry he invented it. Red butts in, "Invented what, Hap? Crap?"
534* A quick one from Buzz Sherwood, parodying ''Film/ForrestGump'':
535-->My mama always said, "Buzz, life is like a box of chocolates. [[SuddenlyShouting SO]] ''[[SuddenlyShouting PIG OUT!!]]''"\
536''(Buzz laughs maniacally as he stuffs his mouth full of chocolates and then shows it off to the camera)''
537* The quickest lodge meeting ever at the end of "The Drive-Thru" after Dalton discovers that the gang has been selling burgers laced with drugs meant to treat erectile dysfunction in bulls.
538-->'''Red''': I'm thinking Harold is in for a rough night. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I mean ''straight home!''
539* In "The Beef Project", a local farmer died. In a scene after Red came back after the reading of the will, Red says the lodge inherited a manure pile.
540-->'''Red''': So we do not come out of it empty handed. We are now the heirs of manure.
541-->'''Harold''': Have you ever ''smelled'' the air of manure?
542** Later, after it is learned that Junior inherited a cow that they plan to butcher and eat, Red announces that they are bringing the cow over to the lodge to get the job done:
543--->'''Red:''' Stinky's bringing the cow over in the back seat of his 1969 Cadillac. He's got twice as much legroom there, which is good, 'cause the cow's got twice as much leg.\
544'''Harold:''' ''(shocked and disgusted)'' Stinky's putting a ''farm animal'' in the back of his ''Cadillac''!? What about the smell?\
545'''Red:''' The cow didn't seem to mind.
546* The Adventure segment of "Harold's One and Only", in which Bill, Harold, and Walter go to what they think is a nude beach. It's even funnier if you just listen to Red's narration.
547-->'''Red:''' They realize, "Hey, wait a minute! This isn't a nude beach at all -- those are ''families!''"
548* At the beginning of the episode [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wE6qdypK1a4 "Snowed In"]], Red demonstrates how to cheat your way through a physical exam by using helium to reduce your weight by inflating a pool floaty in your clothes. However, his plan backfires when the floaty explodes the moment he gets in the van. Red then exclaims [[OhTheHumanity "Oh the humanity!"]] in [[HeliumSpeech a helium voice]].
549* In one of his stand-up specials, Red names this as his favourite poem that they did on the show:
550-->It is February 2nd\
551A groundhog comes out of his hole and sees a shadow\
552[[OhCrap It is the shadow of my right front tire]]\
553That means winter will last for another six weeks\
554But not for him!
555* During the Red Green New Year's special, Red uses toaster elements to make a light-up New Year's Eve message. It reads, "TOAST YOURSELF AT NEW YEARS EVE". Unfortunately, most of the toaster elements burn out, and the few remaining lit elements now read, [[PrecisionFStrike "YOU F AT ARS E"]].
556* In the Adventures With Bill segment of "The Badger Project", Bill tries to trap a snake, only for it to [[SquirrelsInMyPants get in his pants]]. Red then takes a bat and tries to take a whack at Bill's pants. During this time, Red as narrator says, "Here's something I've always wanted to do! Go for it, Red!"
557** Heck, the plot alone is a CMOF: After another wild night at the lodge, Old Man Sedgwick woke up and found a live badger in his pants.
558--> '''Harold''': Uncle Red, badgers sleep in holes in the ground. How did one get in Old Man Sedgwick's bedroom?
559--> '''Red''': No, Old Man Sedgwick was sleeping in a hole in the ground.
560** And then there's the Handyman Corner segment of that episode, where Red shows how to trap animals by putting an air vent, hose and all, into a pair of pants.
561* Any of Hap's tall tales. Pick one.
562** In the season 6 opener, Hap tells Red and Harold that he invented basketball (the real inventor of basketball, James Naismith, was apparently Hap's C.I.A. cover name), and Red and Harold look at each other, perplexed:
563--->'''Harold:''' I'm finding [what Hap says] very hard to believe.\
564'''Red:''' That's because you're listening.
565*** Then, when Hap continues to insist that he invented basketball and Harold continues to protest, Red cuts in:
566---->'''Red:''' No, maybe Hap is right. Remember that time he was up on the drunk and disorderly, dribbling all over the court?
567* In "Guinness World Records", Winston tries to break the record for most coffee drank. Of course, this makes him wiry and a MotorMouth. This culminates at the Possum Lodge meeting, where he says the "Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati" and men's prayer ''much'' faster than everybody else.
568-->'''Red:''' ''(to Winston)'' Boy, I hope your girlfriend's out of town.
569* In "Step Outside", Red's repeated advice to Harold, who's being bullied: "Just ''nail'' him."
570* In "Free Apricots", Red is queasy from eating so many bad apricots, and Harold just makes it worse by listing all the things one can do at an apricot festival. Red gets more and more sickly while Harold talks, leading to this:
571--> '''Red''': ''(softly)'' Don't say the word "apricot".\
572'''Harold''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Am I pronouncing it wrong? Apricot. Apricot.]]\
573''(Red groans and runs outside to throw up)''
574** It turns out the apricots were unfit for human consumption, and they were being taken to the hazardous waste site when the truck accidentally spilled its load, and the lodge members decided to help themselves. In the lodge meeting at the end, everyone is quite sick from eating so many apricots, and they all do the lodge oath very slowly and in a sickly tone.
575* "Too Much Information": Dalton becomes obsessed with the new computer in the lodge, while Red is less enthused:
576--> '''Dalton''': Y'know, Red, there's way more to computers than this, though. C'mon over here, Red, and I'll show you how the Internet works!\
577'''Red''': Oh, I know, www.sitonyourbuttfortwelvehoursaday.com!
578* In "Step Outside", Edgar fondly recalls a time when he was called on to blow up a flour mill in Port Asbestos:
579--> '''Edgar''': To flatten that flour mill and not even scratch the gas station right next door...\
580'''Red''': Gas station? No, next to the flour mill, you have the old railway shed there, then there's the bowling alley, then you've got the fountain, and ''then'' there's the gas station. It's not next door to the flour mill.\
581'''Edgar''': It is now.
582* At the end of "Hurricane Doug", a huge storm hits the Possum Lodge area, prompting Dalton and Mike to bolt downstairs. Red soon follows, after delivering an abridged version of his sign-off catchphrase:
583--> '''Red''': ''(quickly and nervously)'' If my wife is watching, see ya later! Keep your stick on the ice! ''(runs)''
584** Then, at the meeting downstairs, after they say their usual Man's Prayer, there is a crash of thunder outside and the room is plunged into darkness, prompting Red to cry out, "I SAID I'LL CHANGE!!!"
585* The "Midlife" segment from "The Battle Call" (about a woman asking, "Do I look old?") has a great line:
586--> '''Red''': She knows she looks old, and she knows ''you know'' she looks old. What she's concerned about is that you're gonna be ''unhappy'' because she looks old. So when she asks, "Do I look old?", give her an answer that puts her mind at ease, say, "You look perfect to me, honey," or "Not through these eyes," rather than "Don't worry about it, I never look at you."
587* At the beginning "No Duct Tape", after rummaging through a locker full of empty rolls of duct tape, Red freaks out:
588-->'''Red''': ...We're out of duct tape, Dalton!\
589'''Dalton:''' OK, try to stay calm, Red.\
590'''Red:''' STAY CALM?! WE'RE OUT OF DUCT TAPE, DALTON!
591** [[ComicalOverreacting "This has never happened before! I may have to shut down the whole Lodge!"]]
592** So Dalton calls the hardware store to order some duct tape (Red frantically says that it's number 1 on the speed dial), but receives some bad news:
593-->'''Dalton:''' They're on back order! They won't have it for two weeks!\
594'''Red:''' ''(holding up two shaking fingers)'' Two weeks? ''Without duct tape?!''\
595'''Dalton:''' Red, Red, try to hold it together. Hold it together!\
596'''Red:''' ''(shouting)'' ''HOLD IT TOGETHER WITH WHAT?!''
597** Due to the duct tape shortage, Red and co. are reduced to re-using old duct tape on new projects. It doesn't work so well, as Red demonstrates when Dalton lays a piece on a canoe. Red simply blows it off.
598** Mike comes in, claiming to have a roll of duct tape, and Red is ecstatic. But then he inspects it closer:
599--> '''Red''': Wait a minute. Hold it. This isn't duct tape; it's ''masking'' tape painted gray! It's not the same thing, Mike! It's not the same thing. [[HeelRealization Aw, Mike, sorry I snapped at ya there.]] I haven't had duct tape in over three hours!
600** In the same episode, Red gives in and grabs the emergency roll of duct tape, only for it to crumble into dust almost immediately.
601** The [[OnceAnEpisode "sit down/all rise!" bit]]: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naJ18PUo55o&t=21m43s Dalton doesn't even fully sit down himself before commanding, "ALL RISE!"]]
602* In the "Handyman Corner" in "The Fishing Derby", Red demonstrates how to make a cup of coffee using your lawnmower. The queasy look on his face when he samples it is priceless. Moments before, he says, "Another advantage with using a lawnmower as a coffee maker is, you can say to your guests, 'Who wants ''[[{{Pun}} mower]]'' coffee?'"
603* In the "Experts" segment on "Possum Lodge Provincial Park":
604--> '''Harold''': "Dear experts: Now that I'm older, I've noticed that certain parts of my body don't function as well as they used to."\
605'''Red''': ''(disgusted)'' Oh, for...\
606''(Dalton covers his ears)''
607* The ending of "Snowed In", where, due to the snowstorm, the only ones at the Possum Lodge meeting are Red, Harold, Dalton, and Mike.
608* In "Dalton's Hot Gift", Mike gets a great deal on a barbecue and asks the Lodge members to chip in and buy it as a birthday present for Dalton. Meanwhile, Dalton complains that an identical barbecue was stolen from his store and declares that whoever took it is going to pay big time. Naturally, Red jumps to the logical conclusion that [[StickyFingers Mike]] stole it and refuses to believe him when Mike insists that he didn't. Red ends up painting the barbecue a hideous shade of yellow trying to disguise it. At the end, they give the barbecue to Dalton, but he says he doesn't need it, because it turns out that Anne-Marie had taken the other barbecue from his store and gave ''it'' to him as a birthday present. In response, [[NotMeThisTime Mike]] gives Red a DeathGlare that [[OverlyLongGag lasts well into the lodge meeting]].
609-->'''Red:''' ''[[OnceAnEpisode (addressing his wife at the end)]]'' I've been reminded tonight of our dating years, 'cause Mike was looking at me exactly the way your dad used to.
610-->'''Red:''' ''(seeing Mike still glowering at him at the meeting)'' I'm '''sorry''', all right??
611* In "Possum Air", the lodge has set up an airline service, with Harold as the pilot and Dalton (acting as a boarding clerk) being rude and surly, "just like a real airport". In the same scene, the passengers being called by numbers, starting with "1"... and Red is "2". And then Harold comes in and does a hilarious [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PfaGuo0sNLY&t=12m37s nervous chuckle]] before informing Dalton that there would be yet another delay.
612--> '''Red''': Come on, Harold! If I had taken the Possum Van, I'd be halfway there by now, if it started.
613* The "Adventures With Bill" where [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rieRkXQ_xPc&t=13m8s Bill and Harold go ice fishing]]. To do this, they drill a hole using a power auger, which sadly has a bad habit of binding and spinning them around.
614--> '''Red''': Boys, she's bindin'! She's bindin'! She'll spin ya!
615* In "The Experts" segment of "The Driving Lesson", Dalton starts out by providing the secret to dieting: to vary your kinds of meat. But then, he rambles on about him eating as many as 17 different kinds of meat in a week. It turns out that he and his family eat roadkill. He and Red have a field day with this, such as serving meals on a hubcap or painting a white line down the center of the table. Harold finally cuts in:
616-->'''Harold:''' I hope you two clowns just remember, you are what you eat.\
617'''Red:''' Yeah, that's true, Harold. Tell us some more about your vegetables.
618* In the opening for "Red's Hot Sauce", Red mixes up his own BlazingInfernoHellfireSauce for a lodge barbecue. It consists mostly of ketchup, with some various hot peppers thrown in and some other ingredients, including the "secret ingredient", which was some blue goop in an unlabelled container (later found out to be jet fuel). To demonstrate how hot it is, Dalton tastes a little bit on a toothpick and nearly doubles over in pain from the heat. Then Harold tastes a big spoonful -- and is reduced to [[ScreamsLikeALittleGirl shrieking his head off with his tongue hanging out]] as he runs around looking for a source of water to put the fire in his mouth out.
619* In one of his Midlife segments, Red compares life to finding a half-decent parking spot, what he calls the Seven Stages of Parking:
620## You're a kid, and all you have to park is your butt.
621## You're a teenager, and you're out parking with a girl who has a good chance of being your future wife.
622## You're married with kids, and you're out parking at a UsefulNotes/McDonalds with a play area.
623## The kids have grown, and they're working, coincidentally, at [=McDonald's=]. Meanwhile, you went out and bought a sports car, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife.
624## You're now parking in the garage, where you're also living.
625## You're old; no license, no car, no parking spot.
626## You're parked -- permanently. You have your own parking spot. It even has your name on it.
627** The lesson, Red concludes, is that life is short, "so grab your shifter, move it out of park, and throw it into gear."
628* Some of the season-themed poems that Red does are pretty funny. One is themed to the summer, from the very early period of the show:
629-->It is summer.\
630In the shade of an apple tree,\
631You relax with a mint julep or nine.\
632Summer is no time for stress.\
633You casually forget your aunt's birthday.\
634She thanks you.
635* Some of the best season-themed poems are those from the winter. One example:
636-->It is winter.\
637Dashing through the snow\
638In a one-horse open sleigh,\
639Just like your grandparents used to do,\
640Only it's costing you a hundred bucks an hour.
641** Another example:
642-->It is winter.\
643When I was young, we never had fights in hockey.\
644But we also never had helmets,\
645Or protective pads,\
646Or shields on our skate blades,\
647Or smoothed ice.\
648We used broken splintered sticks and a brick for a puck.\
649And big hard rocks for the posts.\
650But we never had fights.\
651We didn't ''need'' fights.
652** One more:
653-->It is winter.\
654The frozen rain turns the giant willow tree\
655Into a glimmer, shimmering chandelier.\
656A million diamonds dance in its branches,\
657Or so it seems as I look up through it.\
658And to think I didn't even notice this beauty\
659Until I slipped and fell flat on my back.\
660This is my lucky day.
661* Another of Red's poems, which he calls "Figure Skating":
662-->We're skating on the pond\
663And Moose Thompson does a triple axel,\
664Followed by a quadruple Lutz\
665And a triple toe loop.\
666That's what happens when you're on a breakaway\
667And you catch your toe on a frozen weasel.
668* In one episode, the Lodge gets the contract to provide emergency vehicle services for the whole town. Red tells Harold that they plan to use Stinky Peterson's K-Car for a snowplow.
669-->'''Harold:''' A K-Car isn't strong enough to be a snowplow.\
670'''Red:''' No, we're going to use the K-Car as the ''blade''.
671** Then, asked what they will use as the fire truck, Red says they plan to use Winston's sewage truck.
672--->'''Harold:''' ''(thoroughly grossed out)'' ...Well, there goes the ozone layer.
673* "Masquerade Marathon" has Mike trying to hide from someone he pissed off in prison who had just gotten released. He tries disguising himself as Red, but the guy sees through the disguise. Then he runs into the real Red, thinking he's Mike. Red hastily scrambles for his drivers license to prove his identity but can't find his wallet. The guy accepts this as proof that he isn't [[StickyFingers Mike]].
674-->'''Red:''' ''[[[OnceAnEpisode addressing his wife at the end]]]'' Watch out for some guy dressed like me. He's an ex-con, trying to sub in on my conjugal visits!
675* In one episode, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErdId1wu380 Harold substitutes for Red in a Midlife segment]] to advise older men on when it's okay (and more importantly, ''not'' okay) to tell long, boring stories.
676-->'''Harold:''' ''[in closing]'' [[SubvertedCatchPhrase Remember, you're on your own. Don't push it.]]
677* In "Too Much Information", Red visits Harold at his office in the city, and discovers Harold has a woman boss.
678--> '''Red:''' ''[surprised beyond belief]'' You have a female boss?!\
679'''Harold:''' So what? So do you! [[HenpeckedHusband Aunt Bernice]].\
680'''Red:''' Harold, that's different.\
681'''Harold:''' ''[smugly]'' I know. ''I'' get paid. ''[leaves]''
682* In one of the Handyman Corner segments, Red, tired of constantly getting passed by faster-moving vehicles, attaches a giant ball-point pen he made to the side of the Possum Van. With a continuous supply of white paint, he paints over the dotted white line indicating that passing is okay, changing it to the solid line indicating "no passing," effectively preventing the cars behind him from passing.
683* The episode "Pardi Gras" where
684** When Harold can't make a noise on his tuba, he empties the spit valve. The result makes it look like [[ToiletHumor he's taking a leak]].
685** In a later scene, Red appears to be playing [[DiegeticSoundtrackUsage the show's theme song]] on a tuba. When the music continues after he stops, he goes behind a table and starts kicking a previously-unseen man who was providing the tuba sounds the whole time.
686* The "New Member Night" segments are always funny, but what makes them doubly so is the new member (who is always played a volunteer from the studio audience) acting as TheComicallySerious while the character proposing them for membership says the most ridiculous things about them. It goes up to eleven when the audience member sometimes raises an eyebrow or frowns in response to the character's descriptions.
687* In one episode, [[TheUnseen Old Man Sedgwick]]'s 97-year-old son, [[ParentalIssues whom he can't stand, moves in on him.]]
688-->'''Red:''' You can tell by the broken furniture out on the front lawn, and the duct tape they got dividing the rooms exactly in half, that things are really not going all that well. Now, you tell me: what is the worst thing that could happen out of that scenario?\
689'''Harold:''' Well, they could be heating their cabin, like, with a high-sulfur coal, you know? And meanwhile, on top of the wood stove, both men are rinsing their teeth in the same pewter jar, right? And that would create this symbiotic hydrolysis, right? And then there'd be a thermal inversion, right? And then all of a sudden, the sulfur and ions, they'd have to ''collide'' with the dental plaque, right? And that'd ''accelerate'' the electrons to the point where there'd be this ''MASSIVE NUCLEAR REACTION'', right? But it wouldn't ''kill'' them! Oh, no, it wouldn't ''kill'' them, Uncle Red! But indeed, yes, it would render them ''ABSOLUTELY STERILE '''FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES!!!'''''\
690''[[EvilLaugh (He cackles psychotically before regaining his composure)]]''\
691'''Harold:''' ...I'm writing an episode of ''Series/TheOuterLimits1995''.\
692'''Red:''' Harold, you ''are'' an episode of ''The Outer Limits''.
693* In another episode, Red receives an unexpected tax refund, amounting to $1,143, which he immediately accepts without question, but Harold suspects that it's a mistake and that Red should call the tax department to say so. When he first gets the check, Red is ecstatic.
694-->'''Red:''' You ever seen $1,143 in one place, Harold?\
695'''Harold:''' Yep, on ''[[Series/{{Baywatch}} Baywatch Nights]]''. Yeah, they had these, like, they had these drug dealers, right? They were illegal drug dealers, you know? Not like pharmacists or something like that, these were illegal drug dealers, right? And they had these big illegal drug deals, they had all this money, right? And then they thought, "Well, let's go for a swim," you know, 'cause they're all hot. They got hair all over their faces, guys like that. So they go for a swim, and luckily, they had their Speedos under their drug dealer clothes, right? So they go out in the water, but they left the money in a bag between two cabana chairs up on the beach, when they're out there swimming. ''(mimics gasping)'' "Someone stole the money! Ahhhhh!" Right? So they're freaking out when they come back in, and they're blaming everybody, particularly the lifeguard, and... who else but [[Creator/PamelaAnderson Pamela Lee Anderson]] gets blamed, right? They wanted to frisk her and everything! Well, you can tell by the bathing suit she had on she didn't have lumps she wasn't supposed to have, right, y'know? The lumps she did have, though, were worth a lot more than eleven hundred dollars, though. Yeah!\
696'''Red:''' ''[[AskAStupidQuestion (turning to camera, bemused)]]'' [[AskAStupidQuestion Why do I ask?]]
697** In the same episode, Red tries to assuage Harold's concerns about giving the tax refund back to the government by dividing up the refund in months of twenty guys who have been to the most lodge meetings in the last five years, with each lodge member receiving $57 apiece. Harold is dubious about his uncle's plan, but Red insists that the lodge members are all spendthrifts who never save their money. Once they spend that money, it will be back in the economy and then, ultimately, the government. The idea apparently is if Harold is right, Red won't be the only one going to jail; he will be going with twenty other guys. Harold continues to insist that Red should just call the tax department about their mistake, prompting this exchange:
698--->'''Harold:''' You don't have to give them your name.\
699'''Red:''' ''(worried)'' They'll trace the call, Harold! They'll track me down like a dog, they'll probably say something I'm not supposed to hear, and then they'll have to kill me because [[HeKnowsTooMuch I know too much]]!\
700''(Red then starts to leave while Harold ponders what his uncle just said)''\
701'''Harold:''' Hmm, Uncle Red knowing too much...\
702''(Harold laughs at this thought and Red, having heard his nephew, gives him a DeathGlare behind his back)''
703* When a 27-year-old ferryman has a heart attack while passing by an alleged nudist camp, Red and his friends hurriedly enter the boat race which will determine the ferryman's replacement. Red finds out that Buzz is entering his rickety old float plane in the race and protests that it doesn't qualify as a boat. Buzz replies [[TheAllegedCar that it doesn't qualify as an airplane either.]]
704* One episode has Red mistake an aerial photo of Possum Lodge for a photo of the local dump.
705* In one episode, the lodge members have a hunting competition. Because most of them are lousy hunters, they race to bag dead animals provided by the local taxidermist rather than hunt for live ones. Red shoots a Game & Fish Land Rover after mistaking it for a stuffed rhino. Harold then gloats about how the ticket Red got for shooting the Land Rover is the biggest prize of the hunt and asks if he's going to have it mounted.
706--> '''Red:''' No, but I may have you [[PungeonMaster stuff it.]]

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