Line #22 Funny/TheGeorgeLopezShow


1	* When George's long lost sister comes by the house, Angie tells Max, "[[LampshadeHanging Uh, you know how, uh, sometimes strangers come by and we find out they're related to your dad? Uh, uh, this is one of those nights. Go.]]".
2	-->'''Max:''' Carmen, they found ''ANOTHER ONE''.
3	* Max trying to sneak Ricky out of his house in a garbage bag.
4	** How about later when George is trying to sneak by Angie, and decides to screw it. He grows legs and quickly runs into the backyard, yelling "''I can't hear you, I'm trash!!''"
5	* The Chicano Christmas play that George sees with his family, priceless!
6	* The entire argument at the end of the episode "George's Relatively Bad Idea"
7	** Of note, there's one point where George makes fun of Vic's red shirt and obviously dyed hair and mustache.
8	-->'''George:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh, that's smooth]], put her on the spot, [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Super Mario]].
9	** "Did you kiss Vic?!"
10	--> '''George:''' Linda...He kissed our mommy. And not just a peck on the cheek, I'm talking full-on mustache to mustache!
11	* After Benny's house burns down and everyone reads the notes sent by her neighbors.
12	-->'''Ernie:''' ''(reading the note)'' I hope you build a new house...
13	-->'''Angie:''' Well, that's not bad.
14	-->'''Ernie:''' ...But this time with the windows painted shut so you're trapped inside and burn alive like the wicked witch you are!
15	** Made funnier by the fact that, when asked by George who signed it (he wants to send them a Christmas card), Ernie tells them a lot of people signed and it's sort of a petition. Also funny is one of the earlier letters which reads "What the hell does God have to do to finish you off?"
16	** What Ernie says after before hand when Angie notices that there aren't a lot of donations sums up how her neighbors think of her.
17	-->'''Ernie''': Yeah, [[{{Understatement}} she's not well-liked]].
18	* Speaking of Benny's house burning down:
19	-->'''Angie:''' Why don't you blow out the candles and make [Carmen being okay] your birthday wish.\
20	(''George does that'')\
21	'''Vic:''' Ernie's on the phone! Your mother's house is on fire!\
22	'''Angie:''' GEORGE!\
23	'''George:''' I used my wish on Carmen, I swear!
24	* In "Max's Big Adventure", George isn't sure that Max should walk to school by himself. So he gets his work carpool driver to drive around and try to see if Max will get in the car. Max doesn't fall for anything, but the neighbor kid does. George says he will give the kid all the change in his pockets if he shuts up. Then, when a policeman pulls them over, the boy blurts out "He said if I keep my mouth shut, I can have what's in his pants!"
25	* One episode had George and a dentist fighting over who's childhood was a lot worse. Here's what the dentist said:
26	-->'''Dentist:''' My mom locked me in the closet for a day and a half just so she could go and party!
27	** The hilarious part was George's comeback reply:
28	-->'''George:''' Oh yeah, well my neighbor touched me inappropriately IN MY [=NO-NOs=].
29	** Even better; it's immediately revealed afterward that that last one never actually happened. George just wanted to win the "who's life is worse" fight.
30	* In "Fishing Cubans," Vic and his brother Octavio (whom Vic and George rescued from Cuba) are drinking in the kitchen talking about what they'd like to do to UsefulNotes/FidelCastro when George barges into the kitchen dressed as Castro, complete with jumpsuit and beard, and yells "IT'S GO TIME!", scaring Vic and Octavio out of their wits. George laughs at the two brothers, and Vic, enraged, yells "Ven aca communista!" ("Come here, you communist!") and proceeds to chase George out the kitchen.
31	* Three words. THIS IS GONORRHEA.
32	* [[PunctuatedPounding WHAT! HAPPENED! DURING! LUNCH?!]] [[LoveMakesYouCrazy WHAT! HAPPENED! DURING! LUNCH?!]]
33	* Benny trying to convince George to buy things from his childhood. She takes out an old teddy bear (Mr. Bear-Bear) and then makes it beg George to take it back ("She already took one eye for her dress. Help me! Heeeeelllllllpppppp me!").
34	* Any time Vic appears as a hallucinogenic worm.
35	* After Carmen threatens to get pregnant so she can legally marry Jason in another state, greatly angering the rest of the family, she sneaks down in the middle of the night to where he's sleeping on the couch, and nudges him awake. He jumps up, revealing he's sleeping with a baseball bat for protection, and yells "I didn't touch your daughter, Mr. Lopez!".
36	* After Jason has a roid-rage and leaves the Lopez house, George tries searching for him and fails saying:
37	-->'''George (as Jason):''' WHY GEORGE CHASE JASON? JASON WANT ALONE!
38	** And then add to that: Vic (who had witnessed Jason's roid-rage) then comes up with two possibilities: Either Jason is on steroids, or he's his ex wife.
39	* When Marisol's boyfriend goes to the factory to find her and George confronts him.
40	* When George finally gets in touch with his problems with Max's school psychologist.
41	-->'''George:''' ''(sobbing)'' And then I remember my mom told me that my chicken pox was God punishing me for not making it to the potty!
42	-->'''Phillip:''' School's over. I have to go.
43	-->'''George:''' But I'm just getting started! Want to hear what happened to my first dog, Larry?
44	-->'''Phillip:''' Oh, God! No! No! No!
45	* George [[ItMakesSenseInContext hallucinates what his life would be like if Benny was a loving mother.]] Once he wakes up, he ends up back at the house talking to Angie about how it made him a better person and says something like this;
46	-->'''George''': I could be the kind of person who'd just let her break my golf clubs, but instead I'm the kind of person that goes into her car and takes this. ''[Pulls out a steering wheel while sporting a huge grin]''
47	** A subtle example, but even in a world where she's a terrific mother, Benny getting drunk is a universal constant (she's just not a full on alcoholic).
48	-->'''George:''' (''bewildered over Benny's friendly behavior'') Are you drunk!?\
49	'''Benny:''' Drinking before five? I don't think so!
50	* The following exchange:
51	-->'''George:''' Look, Angie, I know I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it. I am gonna ''KILL'' Carmen!
52	-->'''Angie:''' I am tired of you not including me when it comes to parenting. (''beat'') '''''WE''''' are gonna kill Carmen!
53	** Then this happens;
54	-->'''George''': So we'll have one kid left.
55	-->'''Angie''': Max is a good boy, he'll be our future.
56	-->'''Max''': Well, I'm off to fail the fifth grade.
57	-->'''George:''' ''(beat)'' Why didn't we let his hair grow long, and we could raise him as a dog?
58	* The neighborhood forms an angry mob to go after a sex offender who moved in down the street. George suggests that, when they're done with that, they get the kid that races his scooter up and down the streets. Once everyone leaves the sex offender's house, the kid rides past and everyone runs after him.
59	** Also, when Angie gets mad at George for giving Max the wrong advice about being attracted to a woman, Max says that he discovered how hot the predator is from the emergency flyers Angie made, leaving her in a state of silent shock while George glares at her.
60	-->'''George:''' Way to go, smut peddler.
61	** "No glove, no love. Van Beuren High, Go Panthers."
62	* When George rigs a productivity contest as payback for all the times Benny screwed him over, Benny vows to get even with him. George says she's bluffing, followed by a SmashCut of him holding his broken golf clubs in anguish.
63	-->'''George:''' '''''AY DIOS MIO!!!''''' ''WHYYYYY?! Why couldn't you take the kids?!''
64	** The note that came with it.
65	-->'''Angie''': ''[Reading]'' For every day I don't get my trip to Reno, one of your loved ones will die.
66	** Shortly afterward, George tries to threaten something of Benny's only to conclude that "there's nothing she cares about!"
67	* George's description of Benny's breast implants.
68	-->'''George''': These are more than just implants. The cast of ''Series/{{Lost}}'' is trying to find their way off the right one and the left one is hosting the Winter Olympics!
69	* Benny and Vic giving George and Angie almost identical advice about Carmen's questions about sex. George and Angie immediately throw their parents out of the house.
70	-->'''Benny''': This is gonna happen one of two ways: Planned and protected or hot and spontaneous!
71	-->'''George''': MOM!
72	-->'''Benny''': They both have their advantages! One way, you don't get pregnant. The other...''wow.''
73	-->''(Angie opens the door and George throws Benny out)''
74	-->'''Angie''': Does your mom always have to be so blunt?
75	-->''(Vic walks in)''
76	-->'''Vic''': Look, I didn't want to say this in front of Carmen, but this is going to happen one of two ways: Smart and with protection, or in a field of tobacco under a Cuban moon with the gunfire of revolution in the background! ''WOW.''
77	-->''(George opens the door and Angie throws Vic out)''
78	* After Ernie installs a vent in Benny's bathroom without connecting the wiring first during the time he, George, and Max remodel it, George has this to say:
79	-->'''George''': Nice job, WesternAnimation/BobTheBuilder! From now on, you report to Max!
80	* George [[ItMakesSenseInContext meeting, hugging, and dancing with]] Series/HRPufnstuf. Doubles as a SugarWiki/{{Heartwarming Moment\|s}}.
81	-->'''George''': Oh, my God... OH, MY GOD. '''''[[{{Squee}} IT'S PUFNSTUF!!!!!]]''''' ''(hugs him)'' You're soft! I ''knew'' you'd be soft!
82	** Which is then followed by George dancing with Pufnstuff well into the night.
83	-->'''Max:''' Is Daddy drunk?
84	-->'''Angie:''' No, Max. He's just having his first birthday party.
85	-->'''Max:''' I wish he ''was'' drunk. It would make a lot more sense.
86	* One episode features Angie expressing some BrutalHonesty to Carmen. It's priceless:
87	-->'''Carmen:''' I don't know why [dad] is so angry, I thought he'd be happy to get rid of me for the weekend!\
88	'''Angie:''' Of course he would! We ''ALL'' would! That's not the point.\
89	(''later'')\
90	'''Carmen:''' So just because dad's done a lot for me, I can't accept anything from anyone? What if Harvard wants to give me a scholarship? Does that mean I can't take it?\
91	'''Angie:''' No, you can't. You'll have to raise Max, because your father and I will have ''died from shock''.
92	* An exchange between George and Benny.
93	--> '''George:''' What are you doing? \
94	'''Benny:''' I'm taking my losing lotto scratchers, painting them over with this silver nail polish, then selling them to the neighborhood kids. I took a "lose lose" and turned it into a "win win". \
95	'''George:''' Good. Then you can go to "hell hell".
96	* From "Weekend at Benny's" when George discovers that Carmen wears a thong.
97	-->'''George:''' Angie, remember when I said Carmen's virginity was hanging on by a thread? ''(beat)'' '''HERE'S THE THREAD!'''
98	** Earlier, Angie is yelling at George for sending the kids to Benny's... and then Ernie walks in cheering about how it's time to party. Upon seeing Angie, he immediately claims [[BlatantLies that they're throwing a coming home party for her]]. She doesn't fall for it.
99	* Noah's last-ditch attempt at buttering up to George late in "What George Doesn't Noah..." is such a blatant lie that it backfires on him because no one is fooled and George is so incensed by his lie that he chases Noah out of the house.
100	-->'''George:''' ''[to Angie]'' That loco! "[[BlatantLies Your mother was such a delight!]]"
101	* George dancing like an idiot to "Brick House" in "Now George Noah's Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened".
102	* When Vic was engaged to a ''much'' younger woman, we get this little piece of beauty:
103	-->'''Vic:''' (''to Angie'') Now princess...\
104	'''Angie AND Vic's fiancee:''' [[FreudianSlip Yes, Daddy?]]\
105	(''[[{{Squick}} Understandably]] awkward pause'')\
106	'''George:''' Yeah, that's going in the wedding toast.
107	* "George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light":
108	** At the beginning of the episode, Ernie drives a forklift into the vending machine by mistake. Benny snarks that when Ernie wants donuts, there's no stopping him!
109	** Ernie protests that it doesn't matter that he's gained weight because it's what's on the inside that counts. George retorts that his insides are just wings and pizza and ranch dressing. Ernie responds that he's [[ComicallyMissingThePoint having blue cheese]].
110	** Vic laments how people cave into cravings for cheeseburgers and other fast foods dripping in grease and fat... before guiltily admitting he's [[HypocriticalHumor going to make]] [[NotSoAboveItAll a fast food run.]]
111	** At the end of the episode, it seems Ernie hasn't lost the weight needed to keep his job, until he remembers that he's wearing his tool belt and at home he was naked. He then prepares to strip to weigh himself again, but is thankfully stopped in time.
112	* George gives up on getting Veronica to fix her behavior and gives up her inheritance:
113	-->'''Veronica:''' ''(Relishes bag of potato chips in hand)'' I'm rich! And I have chips.
114	-->'''George:''' ''(Snatches bag)'' Now you're just rich.
115	* In the next episode, Veronica starts a relationship with Mel in order to blackmail George into giving her her trust fund.
116	-->'''Angie:''' Get down here now, you ungrateful tramp!\
117	'''Carmen:''' ''[walking in instead]'' What?\
118	'''George:''' [[IndyPloy We know what you did, but we wanna hear it from your mouth.]]\
119	'''Carmen:''' Um, I borrowed Mom's car, but I didn't think you'd notice the scratch.\
120	'''George:''' You're gonna pay for that. Now, go upstairs. You're grounded. ''[Carmen leaves]'' That was lucky. We should do that once a week.
121	** After Veronica refuses to give this scheme up, she leaves the kitchen just before Carmen comes back:
122	--->'''Angie:''' That was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. I want her out of this house.\
123	'''Carmen:''' God, it was just a scratch. I'll pay for it. What do you want from me?!
124	* After George tells Veronica she either needs to go to college or get a job:
125	-->'''Veronica''': I can't go back to my old college. ''(waves hands dramatically)'' My 40-year old boyfriend was the dean, so... kinda awkward.
126	-->'''George''': ''(waves his hands mockingly)'' Well then I guess you... have to get a job!
127	* In ''George to the Third Power'', After George revealed he went behind Jack and Mel's back to get better health care, at first they played along with his ploy to teach Max (who was the reason why George went so far) a lesson for lying about his dental issues. However, After George tries to weasel out of his punishment, we get this glorious performance by the Power Brothers.
128	--> '''Jack''': So I bet you like playing soccer, right little fella?
129	--> '''Max''': Yeah, I have a game this Saturday.
130	--> '''Jack''': Oooo, well your daddy's gonna miss it, because he's going to be working weekends for the next five months.
131	--> '''Mel''': Bet you like eating dinner with your dad too huh?
132	--> '''George''': Say No Max, Say No-!
133	--> '''Mel''': Too Late! He's on the night shift.
134	* In God Needles George, Benny telling the truth to George about their trip to Disneyland: it was really a carnival in a church's parking lot.
135	-->'''George''': But there were Disney characters there!
136	-->'''Benny''': Yeah, those dwarves you were hugging, they were just dwarves!
137	** Heck, ANY stories about George's childhood could count for this.
138	* The entire drive-thru scene in George Drives The Batmobile, with George voicing the drive-thru employee. [[https://youtu.be/eNvjklhcf3o?si=_xxQL5J4ox948Kgw Words can’t do it justice.]]
139	* In one episode, when the subject of successful life came up, Ernie claims to be successful in his own life, just as he said it was his turn to rip the rat legs of the traps at work. George then talks to Max and reminds him of his saying.
140	-->'''George''': What do I always say Max?
141	-->'''Max''': Ernie's not a role model.
142	-->'''George''': Right, he's more of a clown, but?
143	-->'''Max''' Not all clowns are sad.
144	-->'''George''': Very good.
145	* Ernie's over-the-top scream when he walks in on Vic and Benny kissing in "The Simple Life".
146	** The fact that it gets flashed back to at least three times--each time more melodramatic than the last.
147	* In one episode, George decides to hold one of Max's boy scout meetings after he comes home saying right-wing propaganda. George ends up meeting the troop leader and ends up referring to him as the "Grand Dragon" while kicking him out.
148	* "The Kidney Stays in the Picture":
149	** With Max now dating, Vic feels prompted to tell stories of his own dating exploits at that age, all of which bore and annoy George to no end. When Vic is told to just skip to the last line already, each NoodleIncident turns out to somehow relate to a chicken.
150	--->"Well, the chicken lived, but the girl had to wear an eye patch for the rest of her life."\
151	"And it turns out it was the exact same chicken."\
152	"My father paid the girl with a chicken."
153	** Max's lie to try to keep Angie from finding out about his bedwetting: "I guess it's time you knew the truth. Carmen came into my room and peed in my bed!"
154	** Once Angie learns about Max's bedwetting, Vic points out it could be a health issue such as a urinary tract infection. Upon Vic saying it is possible for sexually active boys to suffer that, Angie (who has already been on edge over Max dating) completely loses it.
155	--->'''Max:''' The more we talk about my bedwetting, the worse it gets.\

Context Funny / TheGeorgeLopezShow