| 1 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 2 | [[folder:10 Reviews in 10 Minutes]] |
| 3 | * In "10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 2": |
| 4 | ** A fake LEGO set sends Stu into hysterics as to how he'll build it in a minute. He only gets to assembling the minifigure before the time runs out after spending a good third of the time limit trying to get it open ("Packaging by Fort Knox"). [[{{Irony}} The next item is a package opener.]] |
| 5 | ** The stinger features the fully-assembled set (a tractor), which is so cheaply designed that the figure can't be put inside. |
| 6 | ** Dan in the post-stinger stinger, making fun of the posh way Ashens says "[[OnceAnEpisode Hello!]]" at the start of his videos. |
| 7 | ---> '''Dan:''' ''[in affected ReceivedPronunciation]'' Hellew! It's Stuart Ashens heah! And I'm gewing to reveew some ''tat''! |
| 8 | * In "10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 3": |
| 9 | ** Stuart looks at an action figure of a native American that came without a head. Dan [[CrazyPrepared made a new head for it out of clay]], turning it into something that Stuart likens to ''WesternAnimation/TheTrapDoor'' before suggesting that they pitch it to Disney. |
| 10 | ** One of the items he reviewed was a dummy (or pacifier, to those in the Americas), marketed as an "appeasing nipple". Also featured on the packaging was one of the most bizarre, meaningless, but undeniably magical bits of Engrish, "Kind mothers surely will have MUMLOVE!" Stu and Dan broke down into hysterical laughter at this complete nonsense, and really, who could blame them? |
| 11 | ** The knock-off Transformer, "Beasty Converter", [[EpicFail completely falling apart just from Stuart handling it.]] |
| 12 | * The fourth "10 Reviews" video has a "Set Funny Pony". Of course, it's a pink pony toy with an oversized forehead, and the box has a bunch of stolen "WesternAnimation/MyLittlePonyFriendshipIsMagic" art on it. [[OffWithHisHead Stuart decapitates it with a hunting knife.]] |
| 13 | -->'''Stuart''': I always wanted a ''My Little Pony'' abattoir set. |
| 14 | * In "10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 5": |
| 15 | ** After Dan carefully sets down a fragile-looking (but creepily deformed) doll, Stuart (quite methodically) looks at it, places it at the back of the sofa, asks Dan to retrieve a nearby crowbar, and proceeds to smash the everloving hell out of it. And he still ends up with about 20 seconds left! |
| 16 | ** The RunningGag of them trying to find something to pair with the horse rider figurine. This includes an incredibly cheap motorcycle toy, a plush zebra with a tag marked "Dinosaur", and the eyes off of the aforementioned doll (which Dan likens to a Dali painting). |
| 17 | * In 10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 6: |
| 18 | ** Ashens' and Dan's imitations of the commenters who complain about the video length of the "10 Reviews" videos being longer that 10 minutes. |
| 19 | --->'''Dan''': Uh wozzat? Wozzat? That was like... eleven and a half minutes- UH! UNSUBSCRIIIIIIIIBE! |
| 20 | ** As pointed out by Stuart, the review features quite a few bizarrely sexual toys. These include an M&Ms rabbit which dispenses M&Ms from a hole between its legs, a wrestler puppet where you put your thumb up its arse, an Power Rangers toy with conical breasts and an alien with a face described by Stuart as "like a vaginal prolapse". |
| 21 | * In "10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 8", item #9 is a cheap Hungry Hungry Hippos knockoff for only two players. Stuart and Dan start playing it... which only lasts about two seconds before Stuart's hippo gets irreparably jammed. |
| 22 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2trZ54aCvw 10 Reviews in 10 Minutes 13]] starts off fairly ordinary, until the plastic radio is played, and it happens to trigger Website/YouTube's copyright. QUACK QUACK. ITALIAN MUSIC. QUACK QUACK QUACK. ITALIAN MUSIC. |
| 23 | [[/folder]] |
| 24 | |
| 25 | [[folder:Advent Calendars]] |
| 26 | * 2015: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zVVrXyaGhg Unfortunately,]] Ashens didn't do an Advent Calendar this year, because "[[YourPrincessIsInAnotherCastle BOUGHT YOU AN ADVENT CALENDAR!]]" |
| 27 | -->'''Ashens''': [[KickTheDog Fuck everything.]] |
| 28 | * In the 2018 Advent Calendar videos, all of the calendars are German. One, containing food items, is inexplicably named the "pensioner's breakfast". When one day's item (some wafers) have gone off and taste awful: |
| 29 | -->"What did the pensioners in Germany do that upset the young people so much!?" |
| 30 | -->{{Beat}} |
| 31 | -->"...[[ThoseWackyNazis oh.]]" |
| 32 | * 2019: |
| 33 | ** The two calendars this year are a [=VTech=] calendar featuring talking toy animals called "Toot Toot Animals", and a ''Toys/FunkoPop'' calendar based on ''VideoGame/{{Fortnite}}'' skins (''Funko Pop'' and ''Fortnite'' being two things Stuart hates). Dan wins the coin flip and chooses the Toot Toot Animals, convinced that it's the better of the two, [[HoistByHisOwnPetard only for most of the toys he gets to be cheap lumps of plastic so boring, Stuart's Funko Pops look great by comparison.]] |
| 34 | ** The Reliable Reindeer from the Toot Toot Animals Advent Calendar, which is a baby toy which says random Christmas-related phrases. For some strange reason it'll say something then remain silent for 15 seconds or so, and then suddenly chime back in when Stuart and Dan least expect it. |
| 35 | ** On Day 1 the Reliable Reindeer sings a song which sounds like "On the first day of Christmas, no cardboard trees I see" which Ashens says is it mocking previous advent calendars for containing low-quality toys. Guess what Dan gets on Day 10? A cardboard tree. |
| 36 | --->'''Stuart''': Oooohhhhhh, noooooooo. No no no no no.\ |
| 37 | '''Dan''': ''(picks up the Reliable Reindeer)'' You little shit! You promised me no cardboard trees! Cardboard tree! |
| 38 | ** Day 13 is nearly 8 minutes of hilarity. First, Stuart opens his calendar to find the Day 13 door empty, letting Dan win by default. Then, his "prize" from the punishment calendar is just a packet of pure salt. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fleur_de_sel Very, very posh sea salt that has to be harvested by hand because it's too fragile to mechanically harvest]], but salt nonetheless, and it would have lingered on Stuart's tongue due to the moisture content. ''[[SerialEscalation Then]]'' Dan unveils a ''second'' punishment calendar consisting of various cereals for the 12 Days of Christmas, with the challenge that if Stuart can correctly guess which cereal he'll get, he can eat it instead of the spice but will have to eat it ''[[CordonBleughChef with the spice]]'' if he guesses incorrectly. Before they can even get to that, the two of them struggle to get the cereal bowl out of the calendar, all while Dan makes [[IncrediblyLamePun terrible spice puns]] until Stuart tells him to shut up. It all culminates in Stuart guessing incorrectly and pouring the salt into his cereal as he gives up, and finding the cereal more palatable with the salt. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Also, Dan is wearing a Sonic the Hedgehog Christmas sweater in this episode]] that really has to be seen to be believed. |
| 39 | ** On the Day 25 review, Dan tries to bowl over the assembled Funko Pops with his animal toys. As if to add insult to the injury of his terrible loss, he completely misses the Funko Pops both times he tries. |
| 40 | * All of the Playmobil Advent Calender videos, mainly because of how insane it all becomes, especially regarding the grass masks. And his reaction to the wicker basket. |
| 41 | * In 2022, both Dan and Stuart (without consulting each other) made custom advent calendars for each other, with Dan's being an IKEA Kallax shelf covered in a huge cardboard front depicting a nativity scene with Dan, Stuart and the grass masks - with the holes of the Kallax unit serving as the doors of the calendar - and Stuart's a standard custom calendar box setup. |
| 42 | ** On day 19, as Dan is about to open the door on Stuart's calendar, he starts singing a song about a "space man" to himself. As he gets the door open and pulls out the item[[note]]an astronaut figurine[[/note]] inside: |
| 43 | --->'''Dan''': WHY IS THERE A SPACE MAN!? |
| 44 | * 2023 proves almost a repeat of 2019 in terms of Dan believing he's set himself up to win, only for his advent calendars (Franchise/{{Barbie}} and Series/OnlyFoolsAndHorses) to be full of cheap shit compared to Stuart's ("Military Men" and a children's science experiment calendar from a German edutainment show) having rather nice toys for the most part. Dan ends up doing puzzles from the punishment calendar nearly every day and finds it ''nicer'' than his actual calendars. |
| 45 | ** At the end of day 2, Dan and Stuart are interrupted by a rather audible bang followed by a long whistle sound somewhere in the distance, prompting Dan to comment that "someone was just shot outside" before getting up to see what's going on. [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment What the noise could have been is not brought up on the following days.]] |
| 46 | [[/folder]] |
| 47 | |
| 48 | [[folder:Valentine's Day Specials]] |
| 49 | * In his Valentine's Day 2012 review, Chef Excellence gets to direct his own sequence, and does it as a black and white silent film with his brooding descent into alcoholism as a real celebrity has taken over fronting the Stay Fresh Bags product line. After it cuts back to Ashens, he reflects: "Bloody hell. I ''knew'' I shouldn't have taken him to see ''Film/TheArtist''." |
| 50 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaT9vX36Ne8 2015 Valentines Special]]: |
| 51 | ** Ashen's reaction to the 'I love you balloons' was that they looked like ''condoms''. |
| 52 | ** When blowing up the heart shaped balloons, it suddenly popped making him yelp. |
| 53 | * [[https://youtu.be/6pjzVcMfP5Y?t=432 Ashen demonstrates the notebook]] included in 2016's love crackers by scrawling "PISSY TITS" on its pages. |
| 54 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_Pwl0do6FM 2018 Valentine's Special]]: |
| 55 | ** Stuart examines a game spinner from Poundland which has "sexy" commands. He gives it a try, lands on "Tell me your fantasy", and promptly begins describing the plot of ''VideoGame/FinalFantasyVII'' in a sultry voice. |
| 56 | ** Stuart takes a couple of Viagra knockoff pills, the instructions of which say to take 40 minutes before playtime. At the end of the video, he takes some time to report on their effectiveness: |
| 57 | --->'''Stuart''': I still don't feel any different from these pills, so I'm gonna check back in in 20 minutes and tell you how I feel.\ |
| 58 | '''20 MINUTES LATER'''\ |
| 59 | '''Stuart''': I don't feel any different.\ |
| 60 | '''20 MORE MINUTES LATER'''\ |
| 61 | '''Stuart''': I still don't feel any different.\ |
| 62 | '''10 MORE MINUTES LATER'''\ |
| 63 | '''Stuart''': [[GroinAttack My dick fell off.]] ''[Cut to the outro.]'' |
| 64 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJGb7R_6WRQ 2019 Valentine's Day Special]]: |
| 65 | ** Ashens answering the questions on the "Perfect Match" cards. |
| 66 | --->'''Ashens''': What is my favourite meal? HORSE! What was my first car? HORSE! Who gets the last word in an argument? HORSE! Who's the better dressed one in the relationship? HORSE! Who do you think wears the trousers in our relationship? [[SubvertedTrope Both of us,]] [[LiteralMinded because trousers are actually quite a common item-]] [[DoubleSubversion and they won't fit on a horse.]] [...] If I could be an animal for the day, what would I be? Everybody together... HORSE! \ |
| 67 | '''Ashens''': What is my favourite restaurant? Uhh... Burger King! [...] What's my favourite takeaway? Burger King! Where did we have our first kiss? Burger King! Where did we first meet? Burger King! Who's the better cook? Burger King! \ |
| 68 | '''Ashens''': Where's my ideal place to live? Anywhere away from you! If I could have any superpower, what would it be? To fly away from you! What's my idea of a perfect holiday? Anywhere you're not! If I had to take one thing to a desert island, what would it be? Anything except you! |
| 69 | ** Ashens going through the Love Tokens and finding one that says “Wine, candles, watch the worst movie you can find.” He busts out laughing, adding “Hey, great stuff! ‘Here’s a bottle of Prosecco and some candles and a copy of ''Film/MonsterAGoGo ''.’” |
| 70 | * The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRvUi1CCa9Y&list=PLE69FB42316F4B4F3&index=76 2020 Valentine's Day Special]] has him reacting to most of the puns on the tat by [[DontExplainTheJoke explaining the joke]] and then repeating in an increasingly enraged tone "Do you see?! DO YOU SEE?! DO YOU SEE?!" |
| 71 | * From the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYo67HScJ84 Valentine's Special 2024]]: Ashens has a lot of fun with the Apology Pad. |
| 72 | -->''[[VideoGame/BaldursGateIII To: Tav]]\ |
| 73 | From: Astarion\ |
| 74 | Date: 14/2/24\ |
| 75 | I am really sorry for: Trying to bite your neck while you slept\ |
| 76 | I will make it up to you by: Getting lots of critical hits'' |
| 77 | |
| 78 | -->''[[VideoGame/JetSetWilly To: Maria]]\ |
| 79 | From: Willy\ |
| 80 | Date: 14/2/1985\ |
| 81 | I am really sorry for: Making a mess of the house\ |
| 82 | I will make it up to you by: Cleaning it up before I go to bed'' |
| 83 | |
| 84 | -->''[[Series/BabylonFive To: G'Kar]]\ |
| 85 | From: Londo\ |
| 86 | Date: 14/2/2259\ |
| 87 | I am really sorry for: Devastating your homeworld\ |
| 88 | I will make it up to you by: Attempting to contain the influence of the Shadows'' |
| 89 | [[/folder]] |
| 90 | |
| 91 | [[folder:Easter Specials]] |
| 92 | * His first Easter Tat Special has him painting Easter eggs "using the classic British painting techniques" - painting "PISS" and "ARSE" on them and holding those two together respectively. Then right after: |
| 93 | --> '''Ashens:''' ''(switches them around)'' Now it's Christmas! |
| 94 | ** His 'unprofessional' SpitTake [[https://youtu.be/Eaw4mPsyuic?t=570 reaction]] to the Creme Egg-lookalikes is hilarious in its own right. But funnier still was the [[OhCrap sobering silence]] when he realized that, lying in one of the cubicles of the package, [[ParanoiaFuel was a maggot]].[[labelnote:In actuality...]]the maggot was a prop left there to prank him, but Stuart believed it because of how rancid they tasted.[[/labelnote]] |
| 95 | -->'''Ashens:''' What do they taste like, [[TemptingFate he regrets asking]]. ''(chewing sounds) Oh, Christ!!'' |
| 96 | ** He takes a ''hammer'' to a piece of rock hard marshmellow that has expired months before an american viewer bought it and sent it in. The blow doesn't affect the candy at all. |
| 97 | * His [[https://youtu.be/DHCid-GypGI?t=23s Easter Special of 2013]] has him obtaining a "Hopping Bunny" (which [[NonindicativeName wasn't even of a bunny but a chick]]) saying that he hoped it hopped because if it didn't, it meant both words on the title were complete lies. Due to the surface of the sofa, it doesn't hop, and later on gets burnt in TheStinger. He later comments that apparently the words "bunny" and "chick" are interchangeable according to cheap merchandise in another Easter special of his. |
| 98 | ** Let us not forget '''[[https://youtu.be/1lCe-yn7bVM THE GOOSE]]''', which inexplicably plays "[[https://youtu.be/NMClR6U5JFA I Like It]]" from ''Solid Base''.[[note]]If you go to the official music video, there are lots of commenters who were brought there by Ashens' video. They have a lot of fun quoting his review, confusing the people who have no idea who Ashens is or what's going on. Plus, [[https://youtu.be/5lANfNJ-avI there's a direct rip of it]] as played inside THE GOOSE so you can hear its "lamplight beautiful melody" in action.[[/note]] The toy manages to break Stuart's [[StiffUpperLip unflappable English demeanor]] out of pure startled bemusement, both in reaction to the unexpecting music and how dangerous its egg-laying hatch is. |
| 99 | ** From the same video, he also says that the bunny on the Haribo sticker for [[https://youtu.be/DHCid-GypGI?t=519 some expired cupcakes]] looks like "some version of [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} GLaDOS]] eating a carrot." |
| 100 | * The very last item he shows in his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1hYT_V8a-o 2014 Easter special]], is a 12-pack of egg-shaped "bunny" decorations. As he's criticizing them for looking nothing like bunnies, he notes their singular red mouths which he assumes they use to spew poison like some enemy from ''VideoGame/DarkSouls''. |
| 101 | ** There's also his comments about the "EldritchAbomination" cookie. |
| 102 | --->'''Ashens:''' Shub-Niggurath in food form. [[SarcasmMode Mmm-mmm]]! |
| 103 | * Continuing the trend of "bunny" toys that aren't really bunnies, his Easter Tat Special 2015 has him looking at bunny paratroopers: |
| 104 | -->[[https://youtu.be/QLhZHuyJnWM?t=258 Bunny paratroopers!]] [zooms in on the two packaged toys, which are not bunnies but a chick and an anthropomorphized egg parachuting] 'An army of bunnies...' [zooms in on them again] '...to jump into springtime fun!' What's on the back? 'Just fold up the parachute, toss into the air, and watch the bunny... float to the ground.' [he goes to the front of the package and zooms in onto the two toys] Bunny. ''Bunny.'' [Stuart chucks the packaging on the couch, sighing] Can we stop yet? |
| 105 | * In his 2017 Easter special, he takes a look at some Kinder eggs, more specifically the toys. However, the toys end up disappointing him, so instead he decides to show off a toy that he describes as: "rip-off Donald Duck riding a horrifying tricycle of death" and a dead-eyed motorized chick, which he theorizes is actually a demon disguised as a chick. |
| 106 | -->'''Ashens:''' You let us down, Kinder! You let us down bad. You know what that means. Donald has been unleashed! |
| 107 | -->'''Ashens:''' I'm very underwhelmed with this stuff, Kinder. Very underwhelmed. Now we're going to have to look at something else frightening. |
| 108 | ** At the end, Ashens brings out a finger puppet unicorn, complete with four legs for the other fingers. As he works it, he is unnerved by the way it moves. |
| 109 | ** When he opens the aforementioned unicorn hand puppet, he exclaims "Oh god no, don't escape," when he nearly drops the pieces. |
| 110 | [[/folder]] |
| 111 | |
| 112 | [[folder:Halloween Specials]] |
| 113 | * From the Halloween 2013 special: |
| 114 | --> '''Halloween cracker label:''' Turn base in the direction of the arrow until contents eject. |
| 115 | --> '''Stuart:''' Ooh, just like sex. |
| 116 | --> '''Halloween cracker label:''' Do not aim towards the face. |
| 117 | --> '''Stuart:''' Again, just like sex. |
| 118 | --> '''Halloween cracker label:''' Dispose of container safetly after use. |
| 119 | --> '''Stuart:''' I'm not going to [[RuleOfThree make that joke three times]], but it still works. |
| 120 | * During the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPJv21UMMtc 2018 Halloween Special]], he comes across a brain decoration and is confused by the glove-like design. Jokingly he says "I'll wear your brain like a glove!" and then has a good laugh after realizing that the comment sounds like a weird threat from an 80's SlasherMovie. |
| 121 | * The end of the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9cOgTsRtIU 2020 Halloween Special]] has Stuart using the Spirit Board (a Ouija board knock-off), and it says "T-H-I-S-V-I-D-E-O-I-S-B-R-O-U-G-H-T-T-O-Y-O-U-B-Y-R-A-I-D-S-H-A-D-O-W-L-E-G-E-N-D-S", with Stuart reading each letter out loud until he reaches the last "S" and tosses the board on the floor. |
| 122 | --> '''Stuart:''' [[TakeThat Oh my God, this thing]] ''[[TakeThat is]]'' [[TakeThat evil!]] |
| 123 | * The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y54VYcnqLAQ 2021 Halloween special]] blesses us with [[https://imgur.com/a/UdY0WCX this image]] of Stuart looking very grumpy while wearing an inflatable ghost hat. |
| 124 | [[/folder]] |
| 125 | |
| 126 | [[folder:Christmas Specials]] |
| 127 | * Stuart's [[https://youtu.be/bfXEnjI4vTk very first Christmas Tat video]] features three toys; a teddy bear trapped in an extremely harsh blizzard (entirely consisting of golf balls) that occurs with the press of a button, and a fireplace whose fire is [[TechnicolorFire a disco light]], and a party light which he breaks out in the finale of it. The latter is as depressing as it is funny, and an ''Platform/Xbox360'' styled achievement appears below it, saying "ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Worst Christmas Ever". |
| 128 | ** [[https://youtu.be/ATZPvDhHX3I Its sequel in the next year]] has more bizarre merchandise; a Santa shaped like a carrot (in which Stuart says that you shouldn't leave it on a chair [[PainToTheAss so nobody would sit on it]]), a bear in a full body cast while skiing, a poorly crafted snowman ornament, an even cheaper do-it-yourself pom-pom reindeer (whose smile is so huge it ''comes off its face''), a music box that appears to have "bruised, mutant children worshiping a snowman," another DIY figure with an OffModel Santa (who resembles an "evil wizard" more than he does Santa, and inexplicably didn't come with his titular hat) and a similarly off model reindeer that is describes as a "bizarre chocolate sandwich [[BuffySpeak thing]] with liquorish in the middle" that only vaguely resembles a normal reindeer if viewed from the sides, and finally, the "leering death skull" of a poorly constructed Snowman head (with its eyes and mouth missing, and permanent marker was used to make the latter) doorhanger that plays "Jingle Bells" (with the said song actually ''[[LettingTheAirOutOfTheBand slowing down]]'' the longer it's played) once its moved quickly enough while shaking violently. Stuart says that it's actually a "device for frightening pets" and the way he drops the toy after it finishes "singing" makes it seem like it sucked the soul out of him. |
| 129 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsjQpxJU7hM&t=25m12s The angel tree topper]] that uses its halo to garrote the other toys. (From his 2010 Christmas Special) |
| 130 | * Also from his 2010 Christmas Special, when he reviews a cheap bouncy metal penguin he acts out a scenario where a child plays with it and hurts himself. |
| 131 | -->'''Ashens:''' Argh! The shards have pierced my flesh, mother! |
| 132 | * In his 2011 Christmas Special he reviews a Santa figure that is made out of wooden beads. There are strings going through it (slack=collapsed Santa, tight=assembled Santa), which he plays with. |
| 133 | -->'''Ashens:''' Santa's alive, Santa's dead. Santa's alive, Santa's dead. Tell you what... ''(pulls out a pair of scissors and beheads the figure, making the beads scatter)''... now we know for sure he's dead. Take that, you festive bastard, playing with our emotions like that. |
| 134 | * In [[http://youtu.be/MozhWvge8os Poundland Is The Best Thing About Christmas]], Stuart and Chef Excellence give each other presents. Both of them get a form of Stay Fresh Bags, but while Chef Excellence gives Ashens his Stay Fresh Fruit and Veg Bags, Ashen jokingly gives Chef Excellence the Max Hoffman Stay Fresh Cheese Bags. Excellence proceeds to go ''apeshit crazy'', scaring and forcing Ashen to call the Chef Control. A man barges in and holds Chef Excellence down, Ashens proceeds to fill a needle with Tesco Value Gin, and injects it into Chef Excellence, knocking him out. |
| 135 | * In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UNVUUcvUcE&t 2013 Christmas Special]], Ashens looks at a stretchy rubber Santa Claus toy and theorizes it to be a giant single cell organism disguising itself as Santa to lure and eat children. |
| 136 | * From the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmCwsSrhG98 2015 Christmas special]], when the Santa-shaped bubble blowing gun doesn't work: |
| 137 | -->'''Ashens!Santa:''' '''NO BUBBLES FOR YOU!''' |
| 138 | ** The 4th item, a bizarre tree ornament of what Ashens describes as a: "Christmas baboon hippo monkey that's shitting out a blue pipe cleaner." |
| 139 | ** The final item, a plush toy of the [[Film/HowTheGrinchStoleChristmas2000 The Grinch]] which you squeeze and it plays quotes from the movie. The voice box wasn't doing too bad at first, but then it cuts off mid-sentence and starts making a buzzing noise. |
| 140 | ** He lets Santa close out the video: |
| 141 | --->'''Ashens!Santa:''' '''MY PAIN IS ETERNAL!''' |
| 142 | * In his Christmas Special of 2016, he showcased a Link caganer (a statue of him [[BringMyBrownPants shitting himself on the ground]]). [[https://youtu.be/-SvYEaQRbk4?t=295 Yes, really.]] He also talks about the tradition about them, and showcases one of [[Characters/{{Minecraft}} Steve]] from ''VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}'' doing the same thing. |
| 143 | ** Later on, he asks if whenever Link takes a dump, he farts out [[RecurringRiff Saria's Song]] (and after preforming what it might sound like, he says that [[TemptingFate it shouldn't be auto-tuned]]. As one could expect, [[https://youtu.be/ZP5koO5TWoA somebody went and made it anyways]]). |
| 144 | ** The most notable part about it for many is his analysis of [[https://youtu.be/-SvYEaQRbk4?t=619 a cheap jumbo coloring book]] that is filled with surprisingly surrealistic and crappy illustrations; Stuart describes said drawings as made from someone who "appears to be from the sort of love child of Creator/HieronymusBosch and Creator/SalvadorDali who spent most of his life on meth." It returned in future Christmas specials, much to the delight of fans. |
| 145 | |
| 146 | * [[https://youtu.be/fDHsTItkUOA?t=42 2017 Christmas Special]]: |
| 147 | ** Ashens buys a chocolate Santa in the hope that without its foil on it will look like a giant dildo. It doesn't. Instead, it looks like a cross between a worm and Jesus. |
| 148 | ** Ashens buys a "Merry Christmas" banner to decorate the sofa, but it's much too big for it and the only part visible says "RRY CH". Cue Ashens and the comments section referring to Christmas as RRY CH. |
| 149 | * The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xA1Hb27O8-M 2018 Christmas Special]]: |
| 150 | ** Starting off strong, is a plush toy that he dubs "[=MDMA=] Elf" due to its drugged out eyes. While looking at its features, he notes that the elf uses his velcro hands to grab hold of needles, drugs, and other peoples' possessions to sell for drugs. |
| 151 | --->'''Ashens![=MDMA=] Elf:''' '''''[=SSSOOO FUCKING ITCHYYY=]!''''' |
| 152 | ** The lollipop of Queen Elizabeth, which appears to have a teardrop tattoo under its eye. |
| 153 | --->'''Ashens!Queen:''' One got this tattoo when One was incarcerated at One's own pleasure and One was forced to shank... some Muppet... in the showers. One regrets nothing! |
| 154 | ** There's also a Prince Harry lollipop, that he thinks looks more like a burning Music/EdSheeran. |
| 155 | ** The multicolored cheeseburger tree ornament leaves him confused to the point of speechlessness and he decides to sum up his thoughts with a sound effect. Only, he ends up pressing the wrong button and activating a *boing* noise. Immediately after, he goes back into trying to make sense of the burger's appearance, but gives up. |
| 156 | *** His segue from the burger to the next item: |
| 157 | --->'''Ashens:''' ''Why is it''?! (''puts the burger down'') Let's stop just talking and thinking about that. We're not going to get anywhere, it's gonna end up damaging our brains, and we don't need that at Christmas. Especially not when (''brings the dummy surveillance camera into frame'') ''we're being watched by elves''! (''chuckles'') |
| 158 | ** Him reviewing the Elves Behavin' Badly dummy child surveillance camera: |
| 159 | *** The elf on the box has a dialogue bubble which reads: "Hey! I'm watching you." Noticing how menacing it sounds, he amps up the creep factor by making the elf a pervert. |
| 160 | --->'''Ashens!Elf:''' Hey. I'm watching you... everywhere you go... Yeah, I see you there... ''shaking that ass''. |
| 161 | *** Pointing out and getting irritated by the elves' hypocrisy: |
| 162 | --->'''Ashens:''' These elves apparently watch you and report bad behavior to Santa, but the elves are called "Elves Behavin' Badly". The hypocritical ''scum''. ''They'' can behave badly, but oh no, you mustn't or they'll go and grass you up to Santa. I suggest we find all these Elves Behavin' Badly and stamp on their skulls until their crushed into goo. That'll teach 'em. |
| 163 | ** Trying to get away from the rudeness of a mug that says "Festive [=AF=]", by suggesting it stands for "Festive Auto Focus". |
| 164 | ** His reactions to the rude Christmas cards that read: |
| 165 | --->"SANTA THINKS YOU'RE A LOSER"\ |
| 166 | "NOTHING FOR YOU B*T*H!"\ |
| 167 | "HAVE A CRAP CHRISTMAS."\ |
| 168 | "NOTHING FOR YOU DIPSH*T" |
| 169 | *** "[[SarcasmMode Lovely. I'm sure Granny will really appreciate that for Christmas]]. |
| 170 | ** The way he introduces a snowman lollipop with a derpy face: |
| 171 | --->'''Ashens:''' ♫~We're walking in the ''air'', we're looking a bit ''worrying''. I think our face has been, drawn on by someone who's on the gin.~♫ |
| 172 | * In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLlSJg8yJZw 2020 Christmas Special]] Ashens shows off a really horrible thing he bought from the Range, called "A Complete Fart Kit for Naughty Elves". Almost all of the items don't work, as the Whoopee cushion (or rather, ''Whoopsee'' cushion) is broken and doesn't fill up, the fart putty is completely dried out and doesn't make fart noises, and the fart whistle doesn't even sound like a fart at all and more like a dying smoke alarm (which sends Ashens [[{{Corpsing}} into hysterical laughter]]). The only thing that worked was the Bag of Farts, an electronic box wrapped in a bag that makes a fart noise when pressed. |
| 173 | [[/folder]] |
| 174 | |
| 175 | [[folder:Poundland Specials]] |
| 176 | * The intro to the first Poundland Food Special, and the reason Chef Excellence wasn't part of it. |
| 177 | * When he asks his viewers where they went on vacation... and his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aueah-mOjDI&feature=youtu.be&t=20m36s cousin Steven]] went to Japan... to [[Manga/TheEnigmaOfAmigaraFault Amigara Fault.]] The result [[BodyHorror is exactly what you would expect]] aside from Stuart getting frustrated ([[UnusuallyUninterestingSight and somehow being unfazed]]) [[ItMakesSenseInContext when it comes to buying some new clothes for the poor, horribly disfigured schmuck]]. |
| 178 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNDWCVULypg This Poundland special]] has him talking near the end about all the nice things you can find at Poundland...and then he pulls out a copy of ''{{WesternAnimation/Foodfight}}'' |
| 179 | -->"Oh, for fuck's sake. It was going so well..." |
| 180 | ** His reaction to the "new" Sad Onion on the package of Loom Bands. |
| 181 | * The Poundland Special: Wine Ear Panda Audiobook has him, among other things, looking at a 'Wine Monkey' which is a sock with button eyes made to look like a monkey, which you can stuff a wine bottle into it. Ashens tries it out as an actual sock puppet, leading to this: |
| 182 | -->'''Wine Monkey:''' Hey there, Stuart! Let's have some fun with Poundland - J-JESUS! YOUR FUCKING HAND'S IN MY BRAIN!!! ''[dies]'' |
| 183 | -->'''Ashens:''' And that's why I'm not allowed on children's television anymore. Anyway, enough weird animals, [[ImmediateSelfContradiction let's have a weird animal instead.]] |
| 184 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9RdVKsGQD3E This Poundland special]] has him look at, among other things, the same set of super-cheap figures in not one, not two, but ''four'' different colors, while claiming to be four completely different types of vehicles (police, fire rescue, combat, and construction). On top of that, some of the items aren't vehicles and some of the vehicles (like the sports cars) don't really fit any of those categories. By the last one he can barely keep a straight face, especially when one of them has a sticker from the wrong set. |
| 185 | -->'''Stuart''': I'm pretty sure a danger sign, a barrel, two cones and a stop-barrier are not actually vehicles...not ones the police use in the UK. Maybe they do where you come from. Maybe you can't walk down the road without seeing policemen riding past on traffic cones or in barrels, but it's not something that happens here, generally. |
| 186 | * In [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNDWCVULypg Poundland Special: Loom Band Pregnancy Wig]]: |
| 187 | --> So, what we're looking at here is a dead juggalo being fucked by a silver monkey. |
| 188 | --> Which is, uh, a popular addition to ''any'' Canadian circus. |
| 189 | * In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_CCEt-zBNjo Block Skeleton Soldier Nutters Poundland Special]] Ashens is looking through a pack of toy skeletons when comes across one [[{{Mooning}} which is bending over to show its pelvis hole]]. In the same episode he finds a toy soldier with a gun pointing out of his crotch. One comment [[note]] Credit goes to greer nelson [[/note]] notes that soldier and the mooning skeleton would get along well. |
| 190 | * He usually calls toy capsules from surprise eggs ''suppositories'' when reviewing them. |
| 191 | * When Ashens creates a jingle for the "[[https://youtu.be/OJgHZya3qR4?t=2m22s Delicious Mallows]]" while he gets it out of its package, [[LampshadeHanging lampshading]] on how gross they and its packaging were: |
| 192 | --> '''Ashens:''' ''(singing to camera) Delicious Mallows! Delicious Mallows! It's fetid and it's sweaty and it makes you want to puke; Delicious Mallows!'' |
| 193 | ** Even before this, he called the green mallow "a breast that dropped off a zombie." |
| 194 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcFQF3PZFRk Poundland Special: Bag of Crap]] |
| 195 | ** "Hello! I betrayed the Sicilian Mafia and look what happened to me!". |
| 196 | ** He solves a steel novelty puzzle... with ''bolt cutters.'' |
| 197 | --->Don't judge me. Life's too fucking short. |
| 198 | * After featuring Big Clive in the Poundland Technology Video, some people thought that it was his face, rather than Mentski's, that's been featured in Ashens' videos all this time due to the way he segues in and out of Clive's segment (a Batman-style headshot zooming into the camera, first with Clive's face, then with Mentski's face when cutting back to Ashens). [[http://imgur.com/a/TaHKB Other than being large bald men, they look nothing alike.]] |
| 199 | * When he encounters a stupendously creepy hedgehog solar light, he's more annoyed by its poor functionality rather than its headlight-eyes. When he figures out how the solar function works, we get this. |
| 200 | -->'''Ashens:''' Ah, now it's a top-quality product and I want fifty of them in my hou- I'm ''telling lies'' again... |
| 201 | * His use of [[WesternAnimation/AdventureTime Lemongrab's]] {{Catchphrase}} every time a charging cable doesn't meet the requirements in [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeuiA92fxZI Poundland iPhone Cable Extravaganza]]. |
| 202 | -->'''Ashens:''' ''Unacceptable''! (''cuts the cable with scissors'') |
| 203 | ** Upon finding one that has virtually no power to it: |
| 204 | --->'''Ashens:''' What are you doing? Are you just whispering to it about what you think electricity is? |
| 205 | * Here's an interesting quote from [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_4R-v5WbUM Squidgy Wrestler Bubble Gum Truck]]: |
| 206 | -->'''Ashens:''' (''while looking at a wrestling figure with a wide open mouth'') Kind of looks like he's uhh... yeah... giving the Invisible Man a blowjob. |
| 207 | ** Prior to this, as he was coming to the realization, he nearly put the wrestler's mouth to another wrestler figure's crotch. |
| 208 | [[/folder]] |
| 209 | |
| 210 | [[folder:Food Specials]] |
| 211 | * In his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sfz9qlkzF40 "Stupidly Long Crap Food Special"]], he and Dan (Dan, mostly) are preparing some of Creator/LarryTheCableGuy's beer bread. At one point Stu realizes that he hasn't got a bread pan because his girlfriend had taken it. He then remembers that he hadn't checked the oven and Dan sees if it's in there, and when he says that it was, suddenly... |
| 212 | -->'''Stuart''': [[OhCrap OH,]] [[PrecisionFStrike FUCK! SHIT!]] ''(immediately runs to the oven)'' You haven't turned [the oven] on, have you!? |
| 213 | -->'''Dan''' ''(Through laughter)'': No, no I hadn't. Jesus Christ! ''(Sees what it is)'' There's a- there's a couple of computer chips in the oven! What '''''is''''' that? |
| 214 | -->'''Stuart''': That's ''VideoGame/DoubleDragon'', its a JAMMA arcade board; I've run out of places to store these damned things, and I never used the oven, [[ViolationOfCommonSense so I stuck it in there]]. |
| 215 | -->'''Dan:''' That's unbelieveable. That is ''classic'', I can't believe you put ''Double Dragon'' in the oven! |
| 216 | -->'''Stuart:''' I completely forgot it was in there! Oh dear. Now the people at home know where my ex-girlfriend is! |
| 217 | -->'''Dan:''' I love the fact that you were really freaked out! ''Oh god! Oh god, my Double Dragon!'' (gets back to cooking) |
| 218 | -->'''Stuart:''' Bloody hell. Most people hide booze or something in the oven. I'm hiding an '80s arcade game. It'll help the sound problem on the board. |
| 219 | ** Ashen also misreads the "Git-R-Done" slogan on Larry's hat as "Guitar Dome" and thinks it would be AGoodNameForARockBand. |
| 220 | ** The unintentional RunningGag of Ashen and Dan talking up how terrible all the food items are, only for each one to turn out to be SoOkayItsAverage in an {{Anticlimax}}. |
| 221 | ** Their bewildered reactions to Larry in general, as well as the American legal drinking age are pretty hilarious, too. |
| 222 | --->'''Stuart''': ''(perplexed)'' "Of course, you have to be 21 or older to drink it," what the fuck? Where does he live, Saudi Arabia? |
| 223 | * His and Dan's reaction to finding out that the canned "Trekking Burger" includes a bun ''in the can'', which causes Stuart to jokingly say ScrewThisImOuttaHere, since there's nothing else he can add to that. He subsequently implies it to be the absolute worst thing he's ever tasted on the show, aside from the various foodstuffs that are several years out of date. |
| 224 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60_oMY5ULIw#t=305 "I like vaggie."]] |
| 225 | --> '''Stuart''': A lot of us do, but we don't write it on fucking tins. |
| 226 | * [[https://youtu.be/5IWwM26OxiM When Ashens gets a "Microwavable Pizza Snack"]] in margherita flavor, he reads out the package name, finishing with "wouldn't want to eat ya." After that, he looks at the back of the package in which one of the instructions is literally "heat 60 seconds", making him comment that he doesn't have a microwave that directly heats up time itself. |
| 227 | ** After looking at the margherita pizza: |
| 228 | --->'''Ashens:''' Maybe it's a horrifying mass of chemicals, maybe it's got futuristic packaging. I don't know. I don't want to eat it, and ''I'm not going to''. Hahaha. Cause... (''takes a breath and tosses the margherita pizza away'') I've got one ''even'' worse. |
| 229 | ** It gets better when he reveals the next pizza snack in pepperoni flavor, which looks like somebody who "swallowed the contents of an ashtray and then puked them up onto a large biscuit", quoting the doctor himself. |
| 230 | ** And just to top it off, when the package is opened, the pizza snack ''[[https://youtu.be/5IWwM26OxiM?t=3m22s shoots itself away from Ashens]] and flings itself to the other side of the room.'' |
| 231 | ---> '''Ashens:''' A flying pizza; that's the best kind! |
| 232 | ** This becomes HilariousInHindsight as 2 years later, the WebAnimation/JimmyNeutronHappyFamilyHappyHour was brought into existence on [=YouTube=]. [[MemeticMutation The pizza is aggressive, indeed.]] |
| 233 | ** His observation about the Easter mallows' company logo. |
| 234 | --->'''Ashens:''' That's a heck of a logo they've got there. It appears to be comprised of racist caricatures of all known nations and creeds. Wow. [[SarcasmMode At least they're not picking on anyone]]. |
| 235 | ** When he sees that one of the mallows is holding an egg: |
| 236 | --->'''Ashen:''' I don't know what that is, but it's holding a time bomb, so I'm not going to argue with it. |
| 237 | ** TheStinger: Even Oscar [[EvenTheDogIsAshamed refuses to eat it]]. |
| 238 | * In "32 Year Old Chili and 38 Year Old Beer", Stuart reads the slogan for Prinz-Bräu beer. |
| 239 | --> '''Stuart:''' It's the ''only'' one brewed with pure Alaska water, you '''FUCKING''' hear that? I know what you're doing, running up and down the road, speaking to your mates, going, "Ooh, there are ''three'' beers brewed with pure Alaska water!" You're ''full of shit!'' This is the ''only'' one! The ''only one''! You '''''FUCKING''''' hear me? There'll be trouble! There will be trouble if you keep repeating it! \ |
| 240 | [''{{Beat}}'']\ |
| 241 | '''Stuart:''' [[BlatantLies That was the tagline for Prinz-Bräu beer]]. It was seen at the time to be quite explicitly confrontational, and was too large to fit on the posters, but they went with it anyway, and that could be why the Prinz-Bräu brewery went bust after three years. |
| 242 | ** Stuart opens the beer and it foams up. |
| 243 | ---> '''Stuart:''' Oh shit, son! [[TemptingFate Not on the sofa!]] ''Not on the sofa!'' ''[the beer foam spills on the sofa]'' ...[[CaptainObvious it's gone on the sofa]]. Ugh, bear with me a second.\ |
| 244 | ''(Cue [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties]] screen)''\ |
| 245 | '''Stuart:''' Disaster averted! Thank you, [[BuffySpeak paper kitchen roll stuff]]. |
| 246 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVza_AnhQ3E "Whole Chicken in a Can"]]: One of the rare non-expired, non-Poundland items in a Food Special turns out to be one of [[NauseaFuel the most vile,]] but the moment when the chicken "shlorps" onto the plate, looking like the aftermath of a TeleporterAccident, is still good for a laugh. |
| 247 | -->'''Stuart''': Any vegetarians in the house? What's that? ''All of you, now?'' |
| 248 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNpNHkdv73c Stuart takes a look at a 116-year old chocolate]] commemorating the coronation of King Edward VII. He declares that depending on how the candy looks, he'll either nibble on it, lick it, or avoid eating it altogether. Three guesses how it turns out. |
| 249 | -->'''Stuart''': And here we g--'''''[[{{Squick}} FUCK!!!!]]''''' |
| 250 | * In the video on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eJiATvy7X4 25-Year-Old Microwave Cake Mix]], Ashens calls Chef Excellence by phoning him up on a special superhero-style phone. Unfortunately, he phones him up really early in the morning. |
| 251 | --> '''Ashens:''' Well, I think there's only one chef in the world drunk enough to take on the challenge of trying to cook a twenty-year-old microwave horror cake. ''[grabs a phone with "An Excellent Hotline" written on it haphazardly in biro pen]'' |
| 252 | --> ''[''Series/{{Batman 1966}}''-style transition]'' |
| 253 | --> ''[klaxon sounds]'' |
| 254 | --> '''Chef Excellence:''' ''[bolting awake]'' What the f- ''[switching the light on]'' What the ''fuck?!'' It's ''3AM!'' You fucking ''idiot!'' Oh, for fuck's sake, you ''fucking idiot'', why are you doing this at ''[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment 3AM in the fucking morning?!]]'' Oh, ''Stuart!'' |
| 255 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVBDo0t_0dA 45-Year-Old Cresta Pineapple Drink]] |
| 256 | ** Ashens' reaction when he first smells the drink. You can actually hear his transition from curiosity to utter horror. |
| 257 | --->'''Ashens''': Let's have a nice sniff... Ooh, it smells of, uh... Oh... ''Uhhhuhhhuhhh... Oh.'' It doesn't smell good guys, hoo! |
| 258 | ** His reaction as he tastes it and dissolves into incoherence: |
| 259 | --->'''Ashens''': Well, time to have a tiny wee sip of [Cresta], and then tell the people at home- that's you- what it tastes like.\ |
| 260 | ''[Drinks Cresta]''\ |
| 261 | Oh, fuck! Ah, [[RapidFireNo no, no, no, no, no no no no!]] Ah... Ah... Ah...\ |
| 262 | ''[Drinks gin]''\ |
| 263 | ''[Throws hat on the sofa]'' |
| 264 | ** Noticing objects floating in the drink: |
| 265 | --->'''Ashens:''' Also, there's a lot of interesting stuff floating around in it. I don't know if you can see that, but that's probably rot. Is there any caught in the corners? ''[turns the bottle to look at the bottom and spots little black things]'' Oh. Oh, yeah! Look at that! [[SarcasmMode Mmm-mmm!]]. |
| 266 | ** Before he has a sip, he has a look at the inside of the cap. |
| 267 | --->'''Ashens:''' Eugh. Eugh. Eughhh. There's things growing in it. |
| 268 | * In his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VieV3MnFknc 10th Anniversary Special]] Ashens looks at some 37 year old wedding cake. As is often the case, his reaction when he smells it is great: |
| 269 | -->'''Ashens''': What does it actually smell like? Oh f- ''[chokes]'' Ohhh, that was a mistake. Ohhhhh, that was a mistake. |
| 270 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImZ5tums4zs Chinese Delicacy special]] features his absolutely {{Squick}}y response to a century egg. |
| 271 | * His reactions to and [[EldritchAbomination comments]] about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkYJPqAZ0bk the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese Chipotle Microwave Pot]]. While he was initially optimistic, that goes out the window when he opens it. Having a look at the actual product, he sings: "''Suddenly my regrets formed, they formed into dog food with mashed pasta.''" |
| 272 | ** Warming it up, he refers to it as a "terrifying boiling mass" and goes on to mix it up with his fork. During which, he says the sound effects could be used for an alien movie. |
| 273 | ** After giving it two minutes to cool down and apparently stink the house out: |
| 274 | --->'''Ashens:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Let's see what it tastes like...]] (...)\ |
| 275 | Now, that... is actually mildly unpleasant. |
| 276 | ** He then goes on to mention it at the beginning of the next episode: |
| 277 | --->'''Ashens:''' I hope it's less crap than yesterday's, cause that chipotle macaroni and cheese sweat pot thing absolutely stank the house out, and actually made me feel slightly nauseous afterwards, even though I'd only eaten two or three small parts of it. So... very much not recommended. |
| 278 | * In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqcJobgC9xo&list=PLqznnUgcy0s-xkSz7_zoXPNorBUQpa9Ui&index=6 Big BBQ & Dessert Special]], Ashens finds a slightly stretched Ages 0-3 logo on a small tube of Vimto. Rather than being the regular [[MemeticMutation "naught to three sad onions,"]] he describes it to be more like naught to three fat onions. |
| 279 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-drxdYedUU 21-year old Jar Jar Binks Tongue Lollipop]]. Just the name alone should clue you in that you're going to be in for a good time, but what makes it is Stuart's utter inability to comprehend what in Hell's name he's reviewing. He spends a good chunk of the video utterly bamboozled as to how the thing even got the OK to be made. |
| 280 | ** But then he utterly cracks up as he tells the story of the "tongue" in the Jar Jar model being a fake that he made out of Milliput and painted himself. Why? Because when he finally tracked an intact toy down, he opened and closed it to see if it worked, and it was all fine for a couple of days... at which point ''the tongue melted''. He's left having to lick a mound of indescribable sticky red gloop off of some torn-up cling film. He can barely keep himself together as he tries to explain what happened. He did a good job on the model, though! |
| 281 | --->'''Stuart:''' This is my life now! Making prosthetic tongues for Jar Jar Binks because his real one melted! |
| 282 | ** And if you're wondering, the "tongue" actually tasted fairly OK... [[YankTheDogsChain at first]]. But the aftertaste was something else entirely. |
| 283 | --->'''Stuart:''' Excuse me while I suckle on Jar Jar's rancid tongue. One of those phrases you never really thought you'd say! ...oh it's fine! *laughing* It's fine, it's just really sweet and slightly stra-- [[OhCrap oh,]] [[DelayedReaction god!]] |
| 284 | * His "endorsement" of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pokrK6NXFXM Hunger Breaks Chicken Tikka]]: |
| 285 | --> If you have to eat one of these because you've [[Film/{{Taken}} accidentally kidnapped]] Creator/LiamNeeson's [[Film/{{Taken}} mother, and he's come after you for revenge]], and he says "I'll either shoot you in the face or you can eat one of these", choose this one. If they've run out of this one, choose the shot in the face. |
| 286 | * Around October of 2018, Ashens [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3jQpbfjHjE reviewed an "American Style Hot Dog"]] that required to be microwaved, and he cut the hot dog bun in a...rather ''unusual'' way. Almost three years later, he finally brings it up in [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hiVH5ELhTzc his review of microwavable burgers and a hot dog]] (which has the bun cut the right way): |
| 287 | -->'''Stuart:''' Most of you remember the comments and people saying "Ah, why you cut the bun in half?!" [[ImplausibleDeniability I didn't, it split in half when I took it out!]] [[BlatantLies You saw it with your eyes on the video!]] [[HypocriticalHumor People are weird]]. |
| 288 | ** Upon seeing the mac n cheese topper: |
| 289 | --->'''Stuart:''' [''in a child's voice''] Mother, me condom's already full, mother. |
| 290 | ** "I put it above the bacon so you can see the ''lovely'' bacon. [''puts bun back down''] You've seen the lovely bacon and now your life will never be the same." |
| 291 | * The horror that is the... [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q-uIUh6lPc 10-Year Old Bitter Lemon Drink!]] It's bad enough that it looks like urine, but then Ashens shows off the two possibly sentient ''things'' inside: a cloud of something brown that has gathered at the bottom, and a floating white chewing gum monster of doom which he decides to refer to as "Billy". |
| 292 | ** As he's trying to show us Billy: |
| 293 | --->'''Ashens:''' Oh, Billy. You've released some sort of... some sort of skin that's... floating there.\ |
| 294 | Billy, I don't want to look at you anymore! |
| 295 | ** "Shake the bottle, wake the drink!" |
| 296 | *** "More like shake the bottle, wake the botulism." |
| 297 | *** "Actually, I'm scared we'll literally wake this up and open it and it will like run off and murder somebody." |
| 298 | * In [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZkVHAWpGBI 87-Year-Old Jubilee Ale]], he uses a ''WesternAnimation/BettyBoop'' bottle opener that he got from a Loot Crate to open the titular drink. While struggling to get the cap off, the Betty Boop voice irritates him. |
| 299 | -->'''Betty Boop:''' I'm Betty Boop! ''(flirtatious laugh)''\ |
| 300 | '''Ashens:''' I hate this thing.\ |
| 301 | ''(Struggling to get the cap off while Betty keeps talking)''\ |
| 302 | '''Ashens:''' Shut up, Betty!\ |
| 303 | (''Still struggling)''\ |
| 304 | '''Betty Boop:''' I want to be loved by you! Boop boop be doop!\ |
| 305 | '''Ashens:''' Betty, I'm gonna destroy you with an orbital laser cannon later. |
| 306 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJDprMaEm7A Food Special: Insects]]: |
| 307 | ** The beginning with Ashens pulling a BaitAndSwitch on Dan: |
| 308 | --->'''Ashens:''' Look, Dan. Look at these lovely strawberries I've bought for you.\ |
| 309 | '''Dan:''' Oh, that's a nice treat.\ |
| 310 | '''Ashens:''' Well, I thought we've been eating so much horrible stuff recently, that you deserved a bit of a treat.\ |
| 311 | '''Dan:''' Oh, that's a really nice change of pace, I was umm-- \ |
| 312 | '''Ashens:''' ''(slaps the strawberries off of the plate and onto the couch)'' Fuck those things, we're going to eat some insects. |
| 313 | ** Apparently, he told Dan that they weren't going to eat nasty stuff anymore. |
| 314 | --->'''Ashens:''' No. No. No. Nobody would want to see that. "Stuart and Dan Eat Some Nice Strawberries" would not be bringing in the viewers. |
| 315 | ** Him accidentally saying "asshopper" instead of grasshopper. |
| 316 | --->'''Ashens:''' The Adventures of Eric the Grasshopper. One day, Eric the Ass-grass-- Eric the Asshopper. ''(both him and Dan laugh)'' That's a very different story. |
| 317 | ** This exchange: |
| 318 | --->'''Dan:''' You're gonna have to buy me dinner, Stuart. I'm not- I'm sick of this.\ |
| 319 | '''Ashens:''' I already ''have''. |
| 320 | ** When they name one of the dead grasshoppers, they sound so defeated. |
| 321 | --->'''Ashens:''' I should give him a name, shouldn't I?\ |
| 322 | '''Dan:''' ''(sighs)'' Charlie.\ |
| 323 | '''Ashens:''' Charlie.\ |
| 324 | '''Dan:''' Hey, Charlie.\ |
| 325 | '''Ashens:''' Hey, Charlie. How are you doing, mate? Oh, you're dead, dried and salted. I've had days like that. |
| 326 | * The putrid [[https://youtu.be/73Y7qjM--zo 20-year-old Spider-Man Cake]] (made to tie in with ''Film/SpiderMan1'') has Stuart [[CallBack take a nod to one of his earlier toy specials]] where ''ComicBook/{{Batman}}'' was errorously referred to as Spider-Man (itself seen below on this page). |
| 327 | --> "...Peter Parker has become... '''Batman'''- no, '''Spider-Man'''!" |
| 328 | ** [[https://youtu.be/KpkZwW31TMo The Spider-Cake song in its entirety.]] Not only is it unexpected, but the rhymes are equally ridiculous. |
| 329 | * [[https://youtu.be/iJyVhBSMVmc Ploughman's Lunch]] showcases an extremely cheap and depressing Ploughman's Lunch in a bag. Even ignoring the crackers, which have been "smashed to shit and back," the dairy cheese included is, as one can expect, extremely cheap, the three [[RunningGag (sad looking)]] onions included are in a plastic bag that are far larger than their size, as if they were an accessory for an action figure (with Stuart talking about how our technology lead us to this), and once he gets to [[https://youtu.be/iJyVhBSMVmc&t=115s what is supposedly a spreading knife]], he stops talking, examines it and says that "it looks like something that fell out of a skeleton's underpants." |
| 330 | * In [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwCVkgLENvc Canadian Food Special]], while looking at a Nestle's chocolate Turtle treat, he notes that the mascot on the wrapper (a cartoon turtle in a tuxedo) makes him angry because it reminds him of the infamous turtle scene from ''Film/TheMasterOfDisguise''. |
| 331 | [[/folder]] |
| 332 | |
| 333 | [[folder:Other specials]] |
| 334 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ve4aiUW_uWM Portugal Tat Special]] |
| 335 | ** Everything about the Potato feeding bottle, especially the Engrish on the packet. |
| 336 | *** I LIKE potato... |
| 337 | *** "Clean for nipple! You must be clean, or nipple will be angry!" |
| 338 | *** The punching bar. |
| 339 | *** "Throw away when wom." |
| 340 | ** The hideously out of proportion figures for the princess castle. The princess has a massive anime-style head while the prince has realistic proportions, then there's the furniture. The figures are twice as tall as the bed is long and three times as tall as the chair. |
| 341 | --->'''Ashens''': Why have you got such dangerously undersized furniture? If it was any smaller you'd inhale it! |
| 342 | * In his [[https://youtu.be/K5CibGkR4jc Panda Extravaganza!]] video, he takes a look at panda-related items sent by viewers from the Edinburgh Zoo, including a panda-themed lightsaber, a Mighty Writer panda pen, and so on. But the best one is a panda-themed Wild Zoomies car. When Stuart introduces the car, he made a Creator/{{Universal}} styled logo saying "WHAT THE FUCK?" to emphasize how baffled he is at the toy. |
| 343 | * From his ''Pre-Winter Clearout Special'', recounting his experience with novelty bath jelly with accompanying pictures. |
| 344 | * The 2013 Winter Clearout special has his reaction to a Boys Toys Bratz knock off. That is, a doll with a freakish head and nearly tiny legs. Ashen then proceeds to romantically pair her with Galius Zed (a ComicBook/GreenLantern alien who likewise has a huge head and tiny legs). |
| 345 | [[/folder]] |
| 346 | |
| 347 | [[folder:Books, Magazines, etc]] |
| 348 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPaNTxEhfzs 1969 Ellisdon's catalogue]] |
| 349 | ** Stuart looks at a fake cigarette: "Who needs that now, we've got vaping devices!" ''*[[MemeticMutation Airhorn]]*'' |
| 350 | ** A description mentions that "The girls get curious about the ruffles on your handkerchief showing from your pocket." |
| 351 | --->'''Ashens''': Man, that's a dull party if they were interested in that... |
| 352 | ** The "Whizzer Card"'s description suggests that you send it inside a card, or just leave it lying around somewhere. |
| 353 | ---> '''Ashens''': "What the hell did you buy that for, John?" "Oh, I just wanted to leave some things lying around." Amazing. |
| 354 | ** The description also mentions that "It will tame the sticky beaks." Ashens is baffled by this and decides that 'sticky beaks' are an aggressive breed of bird which can only be tamed by Whizzer Cards. (It actually means "this product will stop people from being nosy".) |
| 355 | ** Ashens getting annoyed about Youtube "social experiments": "Oh, doing a social experiment are you, lads? Brilliant, yeah, what's your hypothesis there? Oh that's good, what methodology are you using? Oh yeah, brilliant, how'd you analyse the results, then? What conclusions did you draw? You publishing your findings for peer review, you fuckers? No you're not, it's not an experiment at all, is it, you just want to act like an arsehole to get views." |
| 356 | ** Followed by "Oh! People these days, can't live with them, can't murder them and get away with it." |
| 357 | ** Ashens replaces "Learn to throw your voice" with "Learn to hide a corpse": "Into a trunk, under the bed, under a table, back of the door, into a desk at school, or anywhere. You get lots of fun fooling the teacher and policeman". |
| 358 | ** The picture for the "Careers" toy shows a set of people all dressed up in different career-specific outfits, but among them there is a miserable-looking balding man with no obvious career. This leads Ashens to decide that "miserable bald man" was a valid career in 1969: |
| 359 | --->'''Ashens''': Yeah, I've got another three years at college and then I can be an upset bald man with an unflattering moustache... Yeah, you know, we need more of them in this economy. |
| 360 | ** The phrase "Loud atomic exploding roar". |
| 361 | ** The "Magic Putty" has the slightly creepy phrase "look what it does for your pleasure" in its description. |
| 362 | ** The "Swollen Thumb": |
| 363 | --->'''Description''': It will cause you to receive much sympathy from your friends. |
| 364 | --->'''Ashens''': "I spent 2'6 on this piece of shit." "Aw, mate, sorry to hear that." |
| 365 | ** The catalogue's insistence that they '''[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial do not]]''' [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial sell their surprise parcels to dispose of surplus stock]], but to "give a real BARGAIN". |
| 366 | * Strange Things to Make and Do: |
| 367 | ** The 'explanation' for why the moon wart cure works: "Rub your warts gently in the moon's reflection in the dish. [[InsaneTrollLogic The moonlight may take them back to the moon.]]" |
| 368 | ** Ashens seems to be unaware of the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Photic_sneeze_reflex photic sneeze reflex]] so he is very confused by the instructions "Stand in the sun and make yourself sneeze a lot." |
| 369 | ** "Stones with holes in them are magical things." |
| 370 | ** ""Not long ago many people believed in magic." Yep, last Thursday!" |
| 371 | ** In the description of water divining: "Water diviners use all kinds of things for rods such as long pieces of wire, forked sticks, wire coat hangers- even a giant salami has been successful". |
| 372 | ** Stuart tells an anecdote of how his dad and granddad both believed in water divining and he was young enough to not question it. However, one day his dad and granddad attempted to demonstrate the process to Stuart and their attempt was so pathetic they convinced him that water divining wasn't real. |
| 373 | ** The pyramid section first suggests using a pyramid to protect rotting meat, and then tells you to use the pyramid as a tomb for a dead animal. |
| 374 | ** The name "[=McPhee=] Gribble". |
| 375 | * In his look at Look-In Magazine (a British TV/pop culture magazine from the 80s and 90s), he immediately notices a celebrity profile of 'Nino' that lists, among other things, his 'favorite TV Show' and 'childhood Hero'...which are ''Series/TheCosbyShow'' and Music/GaryGlitter, respectively. Needless to say, Stuart and Paul get a good laugh out of how [[HarsherInHindsight poorly]] the profile aged. |
| 376 | [[/folder]] |
| 377 | |
| 378 | [[folder:Gadget Reviews]] |
| 379 | * From his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXxttqyOGWU Gamestation review]]: He finds himself faced with one of those notorious plastic clamshell packagings that are [[MadeOfIndestructium practically impossible to open up]]. He decides to go ''VideoGame/HalfLife'' and whack at the packaging with a crowbar. It doesn't work. ("For God's sake, doesn't anything in video games work in real life?!") He then resorts to "the ''VideoGame/{{Doom}}'' method": grinding a {{chainsaw|Good}} against the casing. |
| 380 | * He ends his [[Platform/PlayStationPortable POPStation]] review by turning the device off because "it's making my ears bleed". |
| 381 | * In his review of the PCP-8063 model of the PCP Station, he plays ''Space-Time Tercel'' for a while before suddenly shutting off the system and ejecting the cartridge, all while unconvincingly claiming he did it on accident. |
| 382 | * His reaction to the "Welcome Park" in his Platform/PlayStationVita review. |
| 383 | --> '''Narrator:''' Oh! Somebody's at the door! |
| 384 | --> '''Ashen:''' Oh, [[PrecisionFStrike fuck off!]] I'm not six years old! ''(begins laughing)'' What the hell...? ''(mockingly)'' There's somebody at the door! It's your friend Bob! He's come to tell you about the PS Vita! |
| 385 | * In the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE8c3E_VZmY first Video Game Tat video]] Ashen reeling off a list of ridiculous names from ''Franchise/StarWars'', ending with "Rick Santorum". |
| 386 | * From his attempted review of the Barcode Battler: |
| 387 | --> '''Ashen:''' ''(after having lost a battle)'' Well. That could have gone better. Perhaps having the instructions would--''(gets interrupted by his cell phone)'' Oh, who's that? |
| 388 | * Ashen mispronouncing "Amazon" a few times (A-may-zon instead of A-mah-zon), then stating that he deliberately mispronounced it "to see if there are any idiots watching who, rather than watching the rest of the video, will instead immediately jump into the comments on [=YouTube=] going, 'You pronounced 'Amazon' wrong ra ra ra and also [[TakeThat I have never kissed a girl.'"]] Naturally, some viewers posted exactly that in the comments section. He also discovers an English-to-Chinese translator on the device, and uses it to see the Chinese translation for "a bag of bones." |
| 389 | --> "If you're in China and you need to say that, you should probably get the hell out of China as quickly as you can, because something has gone horribly wrong." |
| 390 | * The intro sequence for his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wj3Q4h4fQ2o review of the Dingoo A320]] is a bit different from other episodes as the drawing of Ashens suddenly starts headbanging to heavy metal guitar thrashing. |
| 391 | --> "Well, that was different." |
| 392 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8GCC2jabmk Powkiddy X2]], a fake Platform/NintendoSwitch that plays emulated games, is preloaded with [=ROMs=] that have [[RecursiveTranslation odd names]]. |
| 393 | ** Most glaringly, Super Mario is "Super Horsepower Euro" (one comment points out that "Mario" in Chinese would be "Maliou", the characters for which can be read as "Horse Power Europe"). |
| 394 | ** ''VideoGame/MetalGearGhostBabel'' becomes "Alloy Equipment Ghost Tower". |
| 395 | ** ''Robocop'' becomes "Color of Mechanical War" |
| 396 | ** ''VideoGame/GhostChaser'' somehow becomes "Electro Sperm" |
| 397 | ** ''VideoGame/RushingBeat'' becomes "Beat the Criminal Police", which Stuart points out [[WhatDoYouMeanItsNotPolitical sounds very politically charged]] considering semi-recent events in the United States as of the video's uploading. |
| 398 | ** Oddly, some of the games are confused for completely different installments in their respective series. For example, according to the Powkiddy, ''VideoGame/SonicTheHedgehog2'' on the Platform/GameGear is actually ''[[VideoGame/SonicAdvanceTrilogy Sonic]]'' '''''[[VideoGame/SonicAdvanceTrilogy Advance]]''''' ''[[VideoGame/SonicAdvanceTrilogy 2]]'', and the original ''[[VideoGame/Metroid1 Metroid]]'' is really ''[[VideoGame/MetroidPrime Metroid]]'' '''''[[VideoGame/MetroidPrime Prime]]'''''. |
| 399 | * [[https://youtu.be/CSO1KWLGd50?t=5m27s "iPhone 5G"]] |
| 400 | ** He discovers the stylus slot for the phone. It's actually a slot for a hidden aerial. This itself is funny enough, but the eternally-cool Ashens ''completely loses it'' at this discovery, and laughs so hard he has to jump cut over it. And then it gets so bad, he ''stops and says a prayer to Zeus thanking him for how absurd the knockoff phone is.'' It's especially funny when you consider the actual [=iPhone=] 4's notorious signal problem. |
| 401 | ** Later, while filming in the dark to capture the screen better, it takes him completely unaware and pokes him in the eye. Yes, it's a bit schadenfreude-ish, but that just serves to highlight how ridiculous the TV antenna is. |
| 402 | ** Not nearly as funny as the aerial, but his increasing irritation at the 'nature' noises the phone keeps making is worth a few chuckles. |
| 403 | ** The camera's capabilities, or lack thereof. |
| 404 | ---> And if you want to know what a picture taken with this looks like, it looks like this: |
| 405 | ---> ''Cut to a black screen with text reading "I was going to put a photo here, but it turns out you can only save them to the internal memory and there are no options for transferring them..."'' |
| 406 | * In his headphones and hands-free device review, he looks over the back of a box of headphones branded 'The Carpenter' and reads over it, finding it to be gushy lifestyle stuff filled with horrible puns. |
| 407 | -->'''Ashens:''' You know what? Fuck you, and fuck your headphones! That's the most sickening crap I've ever read! |
| 408 | * Stuart tells us about the [[ShoddyKnockoffProduct WoPad]]'s features... by breaking out in song: |
| 409 | --> "''[[https://youtu.be/n-fzBNI2O84?t=59s ♪ An-droid E-book, vid-eo, audio internet, QQ! MSN Wifi HDMI, 3G, GPS, couldn't keep the tune going... doot doot. ♪]]''" |
| 410 | * At the end of his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kb1WgskNMLQ Viewmaster Stereoscope review]], he shows slides from a travelogue disc of a port town near where he lives. He makes up ridiculous stories about the rather boring locations depicted in the slides. Of particular note is "'Water Frolics' at Potter Heigham", the photo of which contains two women in the foreground wearing ugly black hats: |
| 411 | --> "The 'Water Frolics' is actually referring to the Shit Hat Competition. This is of course a famous year where there was a horrible draw. Two women, you'll notice there, both have the same shit hat. And, uh, yeah, they both kind of were tied for first place and...cut a long story short, they murdered everybody in this picture. |
| 412 | * [[http://youtu.be/l4rdRlTupuc?t=7m50s His review of the Face Bank piggy bank.]] He's too frightened to actually say anything during the review; he just puts a coin in it and then smacks it off the sofa. |
| 413 | * Every time his handwriting is turned into something else in the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLg1Wtl9ffQ Apple Newton MessagePad 100 review]] is hilarious, but arguably the best is when he inputs "Norwich" as a town name, and it's translated to "Worcester." |
| 414 | --> '''Ashen:''' What is it gonna change that to? Worcester, '''''for FUCK's sake!''''' I mean, that's beyond fucking a joke now, isn't it? How the '''fucking ''hell''''' do you get from Norwich to Worcester?! |
| 415 | ** His "punishment" for the Newton is to write down a bunch of town names that, like Worcester, has counter-intuitive pronunciation, namely Happisburgh, Postwick, Stiffkey, and Costessey[[note]]respectively pronounced "Haysborough", "Possick", "Stukey", and "Cossy"[[/note]]. The Newton, of course, recognized none of them; they were respectively changed to Hanoi, "Boston Big", "H", and "East." |
| 416 | ** Also, the Newton's rather ironic rendering of the email address "useless@pig.net" as "useless strikes". |
| 417 | ---> '''Ashen:''' It certainly has struck when you're using this... |
| 418 | * In his review of the MB Games Microvision, he starts making [[{{Angrish}} stupid noises]] [[https://youtu.be/Pt5JuHMBvEw?t=4m55s in frustration of playing Blockbuster]]. Stuart comments on the difficulty where Blockbuster makes ''VideoGame/DarkSouls'' look like ''[[VideoGame/{{METALGEARSOLID}} Metal Gear Solid]]''. |
| 419 | --> It looks like he just walked in on his mother having sex with Hitler or something. |
| 420 | * And now the ending of the second episode of Ashen's Tech Dump! |
| 421 | -->'''Ashen:''' There must be something you can do it wouldn't.. be a game... [[HeroicBSOD don't look at me like that, what's going on... He's crying or something... go on, move- oh my goodness, stop that. Stop that! Oh that's horrible... he's in a corner weeping, that's horrible. No, no, c'mon, Vinnie, we'll find a- is that a gun? Is that a- NO, NO, VINNIE, NO, DON'T DO THAT NO!]] |
| 422 | -->YOUR FAULT. |
| 423 | ** C:> REBOOT |
| 424 | ** *delete* |
| 425 | ** [[AllMenArePerverts REBOOTY PARTY]] |
| 426 | ** From the episode on [[WesternAnimation/HeManAndTheMastersOfTheUniverse1983 Bo-Starr]]: |
| 427 | --->'''Ashen:''' One of the few tie-in products that made it to market were a series of Bo-Starr audio cassettes. Cynics described them as crudely-altered copyright-free literature, peppered with nonsensical sound effects.\ |
| 428 | ''(Ashen presses the Play button on a tape deck - harp music begins playing.)''\ |
| 429 | '''Narrator:''' [[Literature/PrideAndPrejudice It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a-]]\ |
| 430 | '''Bo-Starr:''' BO-STARR!\ |
| 431 | '''Narrator:''' [[Literature/PrideAndPrejudice -in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of-]]\ |
| 432 | '''Bo-Starr:''' SKULLDUGGAN, HAVE AT THEE!\ |
| 433 | ''(We hear, among other sound effects, lasers, gunfire, a man screaming, and a horse whinnying. Ashen presses the Stop button.)''\ |
| 434 | '''Ashen:''' Bo-Starr's creators unsuccessfully argued that Creator/JaneAusten copied ''them''. |
| 435 | * His [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obTrhupnqYY short video]] detailing his adventure with a spy pen. All the more hilarious when you consider the footage is a real conversation between Stuart and his plumber. |
| 436 | -->'''Stuart:''' [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I'm not recording this, you know.]]\ |
| 437 | '''Plumber:''' Pardon?\ |
| 438 | '''Stuart:''' Nothing. |
| 439 | * He begins his [[Platform/NintendoDS Neo Double Games]] review by introducing himself as a [[SelfDeprecation "failed psychologist and Internet cunt."]] |
| 440 | ** Before actually booting the device up, he puts on a protective mask and goggles on and declares that "this time, it won't make my ears bleed." Apparently, earplugs aren't enough for the job. |
| 441 | ** Pretty much anytime Stuart makes fun of himself counts. |
| 442 | ** "This apparently is ''Franchise/StreetFighter''. Ryu and Ken do not live here." |
| 443 | ** Finding out that the "Soccer" game is [[DolledUpInstallment actually just not-Street Fighter with different graphics]], rather than the soccer game in the [=POPStation=].[[note]]To be fair, it's not like altercations don't happen in contact sports...[[/note]] |
| 444 | ** "Overall, I give it an 8 out of 10, but only because it was [[MadeInCountryX made in China]] and I am terrified of their government." |
| 445 | * His [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG657Vks5Sk&t=603 review]] of a Garden Gnome that doubles as a radio. He was already afraid of its creepy face, joking that it looked like "the face of somebody who snapped several years ago but has only just been able to afford an axe," and discusses that it "sounds terrifying" by distorting audio, turning it on for an example. As if on cue, all that comes through is ominous music and a strange ticking noise[[note]]Actually a distorted excerpt of "[[https://youtu.be/8O8dS6n1tas?&t=300 Nikana / Jours de Plaine]]", as [[https://www.reddit.com/r/Ashens/comments/s9m56a/i_dont_know_if_this_has_already_been_mentioned one user on Reddit found out]], but how perfect his reaction is to this moment seals it[[/note]]. |
| 446 | -->'''Stuart:''' I don't think it is a radio; I think it just tunes directly into Hell, and just plays those noises. |
| 447 | ** Him pointing out the sticker claiming it was by a beauty company. |
| 448 | --->'''Stuart:''' Right; you've got a company that makes health and beauty products, and what you gonna release? How about a small, satanic radio gnome? Yeah, makes perfect sense to me. |
| 449 | [[/folder]] |
| 450 | |
| 451 | [[folder:Games]] |
| 452 | * Stuart and Guru Larry playing the ''Turbo'' board game, and deciding that ice is capable of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzvEUnwG5T4&t=346s rendering physics inert,]] and eventually interpreting the ice field as [[EldritchLocation some kind of eldritch dimensional plane]] [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GzvEUnwG5T4&t=579s where the laws of reality no longer apply.]] This even extends to [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuOzhk1PSXo this]] short follow-up video Stuart made, explaining how the cars move. |
| 453 | --> YOU HAVE SHOWN THESE HUMANS TOO MUCH. |
| 454 | ** Larry and Stuart discuss the [[ArtisticLicensePhysics ice field]]: |
| 455 | --->'''Larry''': Isaac Newton's spinning in his grave, 'cause it's made out of ice. |
| 456 | --->'''Stuart''': As such, he cannot stop... But he can move in any direction he likes! |
| 457 | ** Stuart comes in [[EpicFail third out]] [[BeyondTheImpossible of two]]. |
| 458 | ** Stuart and Larry are confused as to why there is an ambulance driving around a racetrack. Larry decides that the ambulance is deliberately trying to cause a crash so the driver can fill their quota of accidents. |
| 459 | * From his Dryathlon-Cancer Research UK video, when listing the types of non-alcoholic drinks to order at a bar: |
| 460 | --> '''Ashens''': (pointing at his counter when each drink pops up with muzak playing in the background) Ginger Ale, Lime and Soda, Orange Juice and bitter lemon, black currant and lemonade, cola, orange juice, Virgin Mary, Lemon lime and bitters, Gunner's Quench, non-alcoholic lager. ({{Beat}}) (Knocks the lager off the counter, muzak stops) Okay, not the last one. |
| 461 | * Him and Dan trying the "Bean Boozled" Jelly Bellies. In particular, the black "skunk" flavored beans, since, being native Brits, they're not familiar with the... unique... smell of skunk. Dan has no idea how to even ''describe'' it, other than it's pure, unadulterated NauseaFuel. When they try the peach/vomit ones, Dan starts gagging and coughing... |
| 462 | -->'''Stuart''': Hmm... '''I''' got the peach one... ''[[CaptainObvious I don't think Dan did...]]''' |
| 463 | * Ashens attempts to play ''VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}'' with his friend [[WebVideo/GuruLarryAndWez Guru Larry]], and manages to get [[http://youtu.be/tYE3t1F6yDY?t=3m18s murdered in bed by a zombie]] in the first five minutes of his very first time playing the game. It's hard not to laugh along with Guru Larry at both the absurdity of the situation and Ashens' incredibly confused reaction to it all, as he was under the impression that ''Minecraft'' was purely an exploring and building game with no hostile entities. And notably, one encounter the two had with Creepers as they attempted to get home: |
| 464 | -->''Sound of a Creeper going BANG.'' |
| 465 | -->'''Ashen:''' ''Piss.'' |
| 466 | -->'''Larry:''' Are you dead? |
| 467 | -->'''Ashen:''' Yes. |
| 468 | * The One-Armed Colour-Blind Children With Contrasting Jumpers who are apparently the target audience for the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_GDyP-VfYw board game version]] of ''Donkey Kong''. Also, the ending, where it's revealed that there's no rule for breaking ties. |
| 469 | * His review of the VideoGame/PacMan [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-Lx_g47kKs board game]], which starts off with a disclaimer stating that we're about to watch "actual footage of grown men playing a children's board game." |
| 470 | ** Threatening his friend Larry with bodily harm for stealing his only-sees-his-hands gimmick. |
| 471 | ** The description of the game's premise (and pieces): |
| 472 | --->'''Stuart''': What lurks inside...why, lots of gaudy plastic tat--basically, the idea of the game is you take control of this terrifying serrated-teeth VideoGame/PacMan or one of his four equally gaudy friends, to avoid the green ghosties and steal as many marbles as possible.\ |
| 473 | '''Larry''': So basically, Stuart, it's "Hungry Hungry Hippos: [[GeniusBonus Mensa Edition]]".\ |
| 474 | '''Stuart''': That works for me. |
| 475 | * In his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmQIZoO1cGY Ancient Tabletop Games video,]] he makes a point of noting that Bambino Boxing refers to a game he's reviewing, [[JustForFun/IThoughtThatWas and not]], in his own words, [[CrossesTheLineTwice "some Italian babies beating the shit out of each other."]] |
| 476 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ws2lIq4_taA NerdCubed Takes Ashens to Hell]], a nearly 20-minute video of [[LetsPlay/NerdCubed Dan]] showing and making Ashens play four awful modern games. The four games being: VideoGame/RideToHellRetribution, ''Accidental Runner'', ''[[Creator/DigitalHomicide Galactic Hitman]]'', and ''VideoGame/AirControl''. |
| 477 | ** The beginning has Ashens about to review a cheap smartphone, only to be interrupted by a phone call from Dan. |
| 478 | --->'''Ashens:''' 'Ello. 'Ello. How are you doing?\ |
| 479 | '''Dan:''' It's time.\ |
| 480 | '''Ashens:''' No... No! No! No! No! No! No! ''[fades into titlecard]'' |
| 481 | ** In general, Ashens' confused reactions to ''everything''. |
| 482 | ** When Dan brings up the sex scenes in ''Ride to Hell''. |
| 483 | --->'''Dan:''' I'm so excited for you to see the first sex scene.\ |
| 484 | '''Ashens:''' No.\ |
| 485 | '''Dan:''' Of many.\ |
| 486 | '''Ashens:''' Nooo.\ |
| 487 | '''Dan:''' At one point there's a five way sex scene.\ |
| 488 | '''Ashens:''' Nooooo... Do not want. |
| 489 | ** This exchange when Ashens manages to get away from the Devil's Hand gang, only to be cornered by them in the next cutscene. |
| 490 | --->'''Ashens:''' Now, what the fuck's happened?\ |
| 491 | '''Dan:''' They caught you.\ |
| 492 | '''Ashens:''' But I drove away from them all.\ |
| 493 | '''Dan:''' Yeah, but they caught you.\ |
| 494 | '''Ashens:''' And they were dead.\ |
| 495 | '''Dan:''' Yeah, but they caught you. |
| 496 | ** During the ''Accidental Runner'' portion: |
| 497 | --->'''Ashens:''' I can't wait for the inevitable movie adaptation of this. "He was a man, who just couldn't stop running, accidentally." Starring Creator/DwayneJohnson as Idiot. |
| 498 | ** After completing a level in ''Galactic Shitman'', Ashens is optimistic about the next level, only to be informed by Dan that all the levels are the same. When he selects a level, however, his character immediately falls through the floor and ends up underneath the map. |
| 499 | --->'''Ashens:''' This is not the same place at all. |
| 500 | ** Upon seeing the airline leader (a man in a business suit wearing a helmet) in ''Air Control'': "What the fuck?!! Why is there a man in a centurion helmet?!" |
| 501 | ** The way the video ends. The screen fades from black back to Ashens' sofa, with him weeping because the games were that bad. He quits for a second to advertise his book ''Attack of the Flickering Skeletons'', then goes back to sobbing. |
| 502 | * In [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnrDI_Bn3rA his look]] at ''Oriental Hero'': |
| 503 | ** Describing the kicks that the ninja does in the first event of ''Ninja Master'' as "bizarrely effeminate". |
| 504 | ** His thoughts on the music in ''Oriental Hero'': |
| 505 | --->"This may be the only game music in history that seems to be constantly interrupted by a neighbor banging on the wall to get the music to stop. Also, the wizard appears to be holding a blue dildo." |
| 506 | [[/folder]] |
| 507 | |
| 508 | [[folder:Toy and Figure Reviews]] |
| 509 | * In his Fake [[Film/TheAvengers2012 Avengers]] figures, he comes across a Thor figure that LooksLikeJesus and proceeds to theorize that Jesus must have stolen one of Joseph's carpentry hammers and used it to fight aliens. Then he acts out the dialogue between them. To call it surreal would be a bit of an understatement. |
| 510 | -->'''Joseph:''' Jesus, look at this! I lend you my good hammer, and it's all scratched the way you've been hitting futuristic warrior aliens! I can't trust you with anything!\ |
| 511 | '''Jesus:''' Oh, shut up! You're not my real dad anyway!\ |
| 512 | '''Joseph:''' All right, well why don't you go live with your real father in his metaphysical sky-paradise, then, he won't even give his millions of followers the slightest hint he exists, so I can't see him giving you and your mates a lift to basketball practice every Thursday night, can you?\ |
| 513 | '''Jesus:''' I hate you! You don't understand me or my music! I'm going to my room!\ |
| 514 | '''Ashen:''' Man, I don't know where I was going with that. Now I've confused myself. (laughs) |
| 515 | ** Before that: |
| 516 | --->'''Ashen:''' Time for the real sexy lady, Scarlett Johansen... who hasn't turned up, so [[OffModel this man]] has instead. |
| 517 | ** Spider-Man and Wolverine are also included amongst the set, though this can be forgiven as they are both still Marvel characters. ''Then'', there is the inexplicable inclusion of ''ComicBook/{{Batman}}'' as one of the figures, despite him being ''DC'' and not Marvel. |
| 518 | * The marvelous BaitAndSwitch [[TheStinger stinger]] at the end of "VideoGame/WorldOfWarcraft Mega Bloks." After Stuart [[http://youtu.be/6CElBDLW6kY?t=3m46s goes on a rant]] about Mega Bloks's laziness in not making actual buildable figures for the World of Warcraft set, he laments that since this isn't a Blind Bag video, he can't burn the figurine. Cue a suspiciously early appearance of the end TitleCard... |
| 519 | --> '''Ashen:''' Ah, fuck it. For the Horde! ''(sets an assembled figurine on fire)'' |
| 520 | * Stuart's [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XkwbG6iDEZs&t=3m8s reaction to a T-1000 action figure that turns its buttocks into a missile launcher.]] |
| 521 | * Stuart's reaction to a [[http://youtu.be/UEr93uEq65s?t=6m55s troll doll with a bizarre face]]. He just [[{{Corpsing}} can't contain himself]]. |
| 522 | * From the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQ8_MrH6dDE review]] of his LEGO set: |
| 523 | -->'''Ashen:''' A bag full of LEGO, obviously. Or [=LEGOs=] if you're American. Don't know why they say [=LEGOs=] instead of LEGO; perhaps that's where the "s" on the end of "Maths" went. |
| 524 | * Ashen [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQg052Wpzj0 getting weirded out]] by a knockoff Transformer, firstly because it turns out to have extra stumpy arms and legs after he rips the first ones off, then because its head flies off to reveal a smaller one underneath. |
| 525 | * In his review of a few knock-off figures, he comes across MMA-style "Fight Club" figurines with loads of unintentional innuendo and a ''severe'' lack of quality control. One package is mislabeled, one figurine's arm is on backwards and the paint on the face of both figurines is completely ''wrong''. Ashen's reaction is priceless. |
| 526 | --> '''Ashens:''' ''I don't want to touch these things anymore in case I catch body horror.'' |
| 527 | ** In the same video; his review of a Fire Rescue figure that looks more like a maniac in a balaclava, particularly the way he attributes the random accessories as stuff the sociopath uses to lure victims. |
| 528 | * His first [[https://youtu.be/VhT0mt7Hvrg Stock Clearance Special]] has him react to the ''Toys/PollyPocket'' Cutants toyline, in which he theorizes Polly became a cartoon villain who repurposes others as [[BodyHorror inanimate object hybrids]]. (Despite the amusing premise for a kids toyline, this swiftly goes into [[NightmareFuel/StuartAshen nightmare fuel]].) |
| 529 | ** Its second half features various ''ComicBook/GreenLantern'' action figures, where he [[{{Corpsing}} corpses]] at [[https://youtu.be/VhT0mt7Hvrg&t=900 Galius Zed's utterly ridiculous character design]]. |
| 530 | ** Ashen reads the description for [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kilowog Kilowog]] and comments that [[FantasticMeasurementSystem his name sounds like]] "[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kilo- the SI unit]] of [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wog racism]]". |
| 531 | * The "[[https://youtu.be/_w5rkcaeXF8 Self-Assembly Iron-Vehicle]]" he reviewed doesn't appear to have been put together with much care in terms of its box, [[RougeAnglesOfSatin being filled with all sorts of grammar errors]]. Such quotes on the box include "Rig out oneself construct fantastic models with your assembling hit", "Experience delight of participate in youself", that the world of steel tec steel construction System is "[[DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment a world]] where you can uild your dreams", that their team is proud that "uou've" chose their models, that you should "Use with care to avoid damage to the eyes or other boby parts", "Do not use it other than for the specified purpose to avoid accidental hurts", that you should stop using it if it's broken or malformed to "ensure safaty", and make sure that anything is not clamped "by the spinning parts of the paoduct." |
| 532 | ** He also creates an advert jingle for it when he tries to fetch the manual for it. |
| 533 | ---> "Assembled parts! Manual! Rig out oneself! Construct fantastic models with your assembly hit! (Ping!)" |
| 534 | ** ...Unfortunately, he also realizes that it came with ''absolutely no instructions on how to put it together'', which is presumably what the "Puzzle" branding on the box was talking about. Even more ironic? Stuart first commented that "[[TemptingFate puzzle just implies they haven't given you any instructions]] [to build it]" before opening the box. |
| 535 | ** The ending, where the auto-focus completely craps itself into a bunch of blurry orbs when he attempts to zoom in. |
| 536 | * A later ''VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}'' [[https://youtu.be/4YOZJqGpCVQ knockoff item reviewed in 2015]] shares the same "v" being replaced with "u" issue, converting Steve's name into "[[InconsistentSpelling Steue?]]" (yes, the question mark is attached to it) and Villager into "Uillger", alongside [[TranslationTrainwreck a comically terrible and broken translation]] on the back. |
| 537 | ---> "Do the construction in the game, a lot of things damage, like building blocks in combination with together can easily make the cabin, but it coupled with imagination, can create their own city and the world, can experience the feeling of God by his own creation." ...And it was there that we 100% realized this is not a geunine Minecraft product. |
| 538 | ** The warnings are similarly poorly translated, the most notable being that children must "Be careful of the potential entang ement[sic] hazard with neck, hair of fingers if there are string ,wire, wheels or rolling parts in the product." |
| 539 | -->'''Ashens''': Hair of fingers? Is this aimed at bloody hobbits or something? |
| 540 | * The [[https://youtu.be/kYRK5lzfb9w Thomas the Transformer Engine Review]] has Stuart looking at three bootlegged train figures which form a giant Franchise/{{Gundam}}-like HumongousMecha. Before he even looks at the toys, he questions the "politically incorrect" name of [[Characters/ThomasTheTankEngineHumans the Fat Controller / Sir Topham Hatt]], commenting that he would have gave him [[UnfortunateNames an even more offensive name]], like "[[AwesomeMcCoolName Sir Wankshaft Mcshitstain]]". When he gets and opens them, he looks at the shield that came with the green train, hypotheroizing its absurd shape may be so it can be used to stick it into the nostrils of two people at once, before he puts them all together. Once he does so, it ''[[https://youtu.be/kYRK5lzfb9w?t=501 falls off from its held leg]]''. |
| 541 | --> Wow. (right after he finishes saying it, [[EpicFail the toy falls apart from the leg that's being held]]) [[VerbalBackspace ...I retract that wow.]] |
| 542 | ** After that, he then goes on to saying that an attack like having your legs drop off isn't very good. He soon shows the full, combined and transformed toys, commenting that "it looks like the Fat Controller- sorry, '''Sir Topham Hatt''', went absolutely shit-crazy, smashed all the trains together, and then made a giant robot out of their corpses in order to, uh, destroy the island of Sodor." He then proceeds to question if he got the name correctly before saying he would have named it the island of [[{{Pun}} Sod-off]]. |
| 543 | * A suspiciously similar in-concept Thomas Transformer enters the channel in 2019, dubbed as "[[https://youtu.be/6Oq1lkseC1M The Greatest Robot In The World]]" with a design that incorporates the face of Thomas (with [[Franchise/{{Transformers}} Starscream fins]]) over a recolored [[Franchise/ToyStory Buzz Lightyear]]. As if its design wasn't absurd enough, it dances and [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext inexplicably plays]] ''Music/GangnamStyle'' when turned on. |
| 544 | ** TheStinger where he tucks it in for bed and it turns on, with [[LettingTheAirOutOfTheBand the music audibly slowing down]]. |
| 545 | * In his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbw9fGx_1RU "Violin: Wonderful Sound Strange Shape" review]], Ashen notes that he actually had to start over. Thankfully for the rest of us, he posted [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adkWiJA9xR0 the reason why]] on his Extras channel, in which he busts a gut laughing at the "translations" of the names of famous violin manufacturers. He [[HelplessWithLaughter spends a whole minute (probably longer) laughing his arse off]] before deciding he cannot continue. |
| 546 | ** Stuart's reaction when the toy violin suddenly starts playing the ''VideoGame/AngryBirds'' theme. Then he presses a button and changes the music to Ievan Polkka. |
| 547 | ** When you actually see the reinterpretations of people's names, whether from take two or the aborted first take, you won't be surprised they set Stuart off so badly, especially given that he was struggling not to lose it at the preceding gobbledygook - Nicola Amati becomes "nicolas, Marty", Antonio Stradivari becomes "Antonio Stella bottom tile", and Giuseppe Guarneri becomes ''"ji plug pu · melon nai"''. If it sounds like nonsense, that's cause the company translated the Chinese phonetic guides. |
| 548 | ** Speaking of Antonio Stradivari, the Wikipedia article about him has been edited numerous times to replace his name with Antonio Stella Bottom Tile. Since these edits basically count as vandalism, they are always reverted, but they are still available in the edit history. [[https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Antonio_Stradivari&oldid=794386014 Here's one of them]]. |
| 549 | ** The aforementioned gobbledygook is in no way limited to the history of the violin. The entire box is ''littered'' with Engrish, even down to the tagline ("Build the future small child star"), and it wildly varies from [[Series/MontyPythonsFlyingCircus dirty Hungarian phrasebook]] (vaguely coherent but comically bizarre) to ''English as She is Spoke'' ([[TranslationTrainwreck completely indecipherable]] and [[WordSaladHumor unfit for non-comedic purposes]]). |
| 550 | *** Even from the very beginning, "This type of simulation violin,is babies contact music enlightenment partner!" and "[[MeaningfulName funny laughter key(s)]]" caused Stuart to regret not reading the text beforehand, as if deep down he ''knew'' the nonsense would just keep piling up and he wouldn't end up finishing the take. |
| 551 | *** "the 6 act or talk like a fool key", and the subsequent talk of the violin being in a state the box calls "the act or talk like a fool". |
| 552 | ---->'''Stuart''': ''(bewildered)'' The 6 act or talk like a fool key?! What the hell is this?! Did Creator/MrT write the copy for this or something? |
| 553 | *** "Note: If the talk nonsense, touch the key put a bar drum cycle do background talk nonsense, if is talk nonsense long time no touch, about 26s automatic turn off, into energy saving mode, the process of ring to set off drum background". The irony of this word salad including the phrase "talk nonsense" is not lost on Stuart. |
| 554 | ---->'''Stuart''': Only one person talking nonsense here, and it ain't us, old boy. |
| 555 | *** "The violin is a string of four bowed instruments, the family is the main members of the family system of other members are: (the viola, the cello and the bass)." Stuart summed it up best in the aborted take: |
| 556 | ---->'''Stuart''': Bloody hell. Word salad! |
| 557 | *** Somehow, the Italian city of Cremona became "Italian Craig mona". It's a wonder Stuart managed to keep his composure at this, even as he quickly realised they'd mixed up a place and a person. |
| 558 | * When reviewing the old Matchbox Linkits toys, he decides his intro needs "A dash of 80's." He gets... [[NoKillLikeOverkill way more than a dash.]] In a bit of meta-hilarity, he breaks open one of the old toys to get at an ancient promotional cassette tape packaged with it, and even produces an old tape deck so he can find out what, exactly, is recorded on it. He fast-forwards through the tape to find amusing bits. The meta-humor? Several of his younger viewers express their utter shock in the comments that [[AluminumChristmasTrees that sped-up tape recorder sound]] [[RealityIsUnrealistic is real.]] |
| 559 | * From his videos on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoHr5BQkNVA&list=PLuXVJtG6oNtFg6lWflYhYlloQbnM-5m3K Bootleg Star Wars Figures]]: |
| 560 | ** Ashens suddenly dropping the package of a fake Darth Vader toy and letting loose [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoHr5BQkNVA&t=12m00s a long string of curse words]] after it shines an LED right directly in his eye. |
| 561 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ4H86qf3S8 This fake Darth Maul figure has to be seen to be believed.]] |
| 562 | ** Upon seeing a child Anakin figure that comes with a backpack accessory, the following comments are made: |
| 563 | --->'''Stuart:''' He's got his mighty backpack, in which he stores all his sand, which he loves so much. |
| 564 | --->'''Alec:''' That's where he keeps his midi-chlorians. |
| 565 | --->'''Stuart:''' He's got so many of them...They're overflowing. |
| 566 | ** Stuart claiming that knock-off Darth Maul's lightsaber looks like a lollipop, followed by Alec saying "Don't eat it." |
| 567 | ** Everything regarding Space Spuddy, a horrifying potato-shaped plushie of Chewbacca. |
| 568 | ** In the The Fake Menace: |
| 569 | *** The knock-off Obi-Wan Kenobi, which looks like more like the Buddy Christ statue from Dogma. |
| 570 | *** The Palpatine figure has surprisingly good detail in the face, but it's all wrong and ends up making him look like a friendly grandparent waving to his grandkids. |
| 571 | *** The Yoda knock-off figure has a salmon-colored robe. |
| 572 | *** "You go back there and catch diseases off of smiley Elmer Fudd Palpatine." |
| 573 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NkbEE9GN1Hk The Interactive E.T.]] review, due to its constant annoying actions and Ashen constantly referring to it as an EldritchAbomination. The best part? Ashen mentions that the fan who sent him the E.T also provided the original packaging, then shows us the puzzle cube from Franchise/{{Hellraiser}}. |
| 574 | ** At the end of the review, Ashens gets so fed up with Interactive E.T. that he seems to go insane, before strangling the toy and skinning it. |
| 575 | ** Just the way he talks to it at the end. |
| 576 | * The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR1oAXaPLMo LOVELY BABY]] is so terrifying it's hilarious. |
| 577 | * The "Meet the Team" portion of his GI Joe Knock-Offs/Cheap Army Figures review. |
| 578 | * While he's putting together some [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn4EHW7lnqo knock-off Constructicons]]: |
| 579 | -->Eeeh there he is, with his [[AccidentalInnuendo erect...]]Moving swiftly along! |
| 580 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxACqE-puLY&t=3m50s The horror of the Little Princess doll.]] |
| 581 | * On a cheapo wrestling figure that had long hair, a beard, and a championship belt: "[[KungFuJesus I am the son of God and you cannot beat me at wrestling.]]" |
| 582 | * From his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rM_7EZKFgOw&t=5m31s Fake Knock-off Action Figures]] video, "ComicBook/TheIncredibleHulk... being a little bit less incredible than usual. The "Fairly-Believable Hulk". The "Slightly Mundane Hulk". The "Cheap [[OffModel Weird-Thing-Going-On-In-The-Chest-Cavity]] Hulk"... [[FanDisservice The "Bare Arse" Hulk...]]" From the same video, he has two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles knock-off figures with headbands that are clearly different colours. Within a fairly short space of time, he refers to them both as Donatello. |
| 583 | * The Minions Mystery Bag episode had him examine a Minion toy, and he declared it good enough to go up on the Shelf of Interesting Items, with the usual zoom-in and triumphant music... PSYCH! The screen [[GoryDiscretionShot abruptly cuts to black and a Minion scream is heard]]. The screen cuts back in to reveal that the Minion was [[HalfTheManHeUsedToBe chopped in half]] with a [[LaserBlade lightsaber]]. |
| 584 | * From his review of the [[http://youtu.be/OvtAfmUQ11Q Peeing Pooch]]: |
| 585 | ** The unchoreographed fall the dog has: |
| 586 | ---> '''Ashens:''' When it cocks its leg, it drops some water out--''(dog falls over)'' then it falls off--''(dog cocks its leg and urinates)'' and sprays piss all up the carpet. |
| 587 | ** Ashens: "''[reads]'' "Repeat the action a few times ensuring the dog sucks enough water." I think one thing's clear already: this dog will certainly suck." |
| 588 | * In "Cheapo Toy Soldiers and Fake GI Joe", Ashen's paranoid reaction at unwrapping an action figure that resembles ''himself''. Afterwards, he tells viewers that they can see more photos at "xxx.ashens.com." Until March 2016, [[http://web.archive.org/web/20160124233204/http://xxx.ashens.com it actually existed]]. No, it did ''not'' actually lead to a site with nude photos. |
| 589 | * The story on the back of a pack of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTRUdRA_srw knockoff Batman cards]] is full of hilarious bad translations by itself, but it passes the threshold when Bruce Wayne becomes Spider-Man: |
| 590 | -->''When being a child, Bruce Wayne had witnessed with his own eyes the fact his parents of millionaire were killed cruelly, so affected his strong desire of revenging his parents. However, God had never given him a chance to fulfill his will. Following the advice of Ra's Al-Ghul, the chief of Ninja Group, Bruce come to Gete, which was a corrupted city filled with various crime groups. Bruce found a basement under his villa, in which the equipment turned him into another person: Spider-Man. With this mask, Spider-Man stroke all criminal activities and criminals everywhere, such as Tougon, the chief of Mafia, Doctor Jackstraw, the abnormal drug trafficker, even a mysterious opponents quite familiar with him--Batman Begins.'' |
| 591 | ** STAR WART, featuring a card of "Admlral Ackbar" [[note]]actually a Clone Trooper[[/note]]. |
| 592 | * This gem from his review of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d49oW0jVXUc the Game Child]]: |
| 593 | -->'''Ashens as child:''' But mother, why did you buy me this, and not a Gameboy? |
| 594 | -->'''Ashens as mother:''' Because we're poor and I hate you. |
| 595 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Us3iSgixRI His review of the infamous Top Trumps: Space Phenomena]]. Particularly the utterly ridiculous "years of discovery" suggesting the Moon wasn't discovered until 1651, ''the Sun'' wasn't discovered until 200 BC, and ''Venus'' wasn't discovered until ''1990''. |
| 596 | -->"On the plus side, if you turn the cards over I've discovered you can form a big picture of Mars...which is going to be discovered next Thursday, so keep an eye out for that." |
| 597 | ** Also, Halley's comet apparently has negative mass. |
| 598 | --->"It exists in another [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] dimension, does it?" |
| 599 | * From the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__OLzgsommc Horrible Histories Mystery Bag]] video, Ashens ends up getting the Tudor executioner figure...which doesn't have the head attached for some reason. |
| 600 | -->"Oh, bollocks, I think it's the executioner. Looks like someone else got to him first. ''(laughs)'' |
| 601 | * The weird gasp of breath he makes when he finishes reading [[WallOfText the Thunderbolt Airplane instructions]] in the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMtBZrDY814 Palm Game Electronic]] review. |
| 602 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z14SlZ1i7rc His "review" of a dancing Jar Jar Binks figure.]] He spends nearly all of it trying to destroy it with [[DualWielding two hammers]] before [[KillItWithFire finishing it off with a blowtorch]]. |
| 603 | -->'''Ashens:''' '''[[WhyWontYouDie WHY... WON'T YOU DIE?!]]''' |
| 604 | ** What's even funnier is that when Ashens brings out the first hammer, the Jar Jar figure ''[[OhCrap stops dancing and stares]]'' at said hammer...''and then starts dancing faster'', [[NoHoldsBarredBeatdown and then the "review" starts proper.]] |
| 605 | ** Not long before Ashens brings out the first hammer, the Jar Jar figure briefly slows down before it suddenly starts dancing so frantically that it looks more like it's ''spazzing out''. This elicits a startled "Jesus!" from Ashens; the only thing he says in the video aside from the above line. The kicker? [[https://www.reddit.com/r/Ashens/comments/35vomi/comment/cr89bxo At that point, he didn't even realise]] [[ThrowItIn that he'd said anything!]] |
| 606 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBm-pg0F8Bk Olympic Tat]] |
| 607 | ** He calls the aquatic sport Wenlock "[[WesternAnimation/SouthPark Mr. Hankey the Olympic Poo]]", due to it resembling "a metal turd with arms" as he says. |
| 608 | ** He notices that his "tail" looks like [[BringMyBrownPants he just took a dump in his uniform]]. [[https://youtu.be/sBm-pg0F8Bk?t=8m3s Even his reaction to this is hilarious.]] |
| 609 | --->"''I don't know what I would have if I hadn't bought this, probably just cry myself to sleep every - now what the hell?! He's done a big shit in his pants! You disgust me, Wenlock! Not only are you some sort of evil demonic entity but you're incontinent and you're-yaauggh!''" |
| 610 | * In "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3rhLkvS5bgw Some Lovely Farm Animals]]" (2016) he uses a quote ("Hello, Children. Hello!") and a tone of voice from the "Magic Meadow" animations that he made back in 2004 ([[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4ozf2rh5Vc here]] and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjdPNGbdJ8M here]], these are the Website/YouTube versions uploaded years after they were created for Website/{{Newgrounds}}). It's impressive that he'd attempt a CallBack going so far back. |
| 611 | * The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aym8nHmcC2Y Aunt May figure]], the worst piece of official merchandise he's ever found. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGGRke53d4Q He made a follow-up video]] shortly afterward counting down the top 10 [[CelebrityResemblance celebrities she resembles]]... [[LadyLooksLikeADude all of them are men]]. |
| 612 | * From [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jr0bwZrYhuo Infaceables Update]]: "Here's Suave Pierre, and here he is in animal mode!" ''(attempts to change the face, but only managing to succeed in making the face look scrunched up)'' "And there it is reinflating 'cause he doesn't form... a proper vaccum... for long." |
| 613 | * The expression on the polar bear from the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XTE9aG92io Deadly 60 blind bag]], and Ashen's reaction to it. |
| 614 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0CQ1OTmAJ0 Toxic Mutants / Monsta Fizz]]. Ashens and Harry Partridge come together to have a look at a line-up of bizarre toy figurines. Hilarity ensues: |
| 615 | ** While reading the instructions for Toxic Mutants, which come encased in a container full of goo: |
| 616 | ---> '''Ashen:''' In case of stains, immediately remove excess goo material then wash with warm water and white vinegar. Yes, I remember puberty too. |
| 617 | ** When Harry goes over the monsters pictured on the packaging of Monsta Fizz, he refers to the female one as Music/{{Kesha}}. There's also one that Ashens describes as "[[WesternAnimation/TheSimpsons Homer Simpson where his head is turning into a penis]]" followed by Harry telling him that such a thing happened in Season 20. |
| 618 | ** The first figures they show off are two recolors of the dead gimp Ashens got in his original Monsta Fizz video. Only their left hands are now pointing upwards, making it look like they're about to perform a prostate exam. One has gloves and the other is bare-handed, leaving Ashens to advise the viewer to go with the gloved one if they were going to get a prostate exam from one of the gimps. |
| 619 | ** Trying to describe the four-armed figure: |
| 620 | --->'''Harry:''' Sort of a South Seas... possibly Sra Lankan pauper of some kind.\ |
| 621 | '''Ashens:''' It's got kind of a Chinaman caricature in Music/{{KISS}} make-up thing going on with a big ginger mustache.\ |
| 622 | (''on the third recolor'')\ |
| 623 | '''Harry:''' This one... I think has been dead even longer possibly. He's ''purple''.\ |
| 624 | '''Ashens:''' They couldn't even be bothered to paint the mustache. I mean, come on, it's clearly molded onto his face.\ |
| 625 | '''Harry:''' It could just be a horrendous hair lip. But yeah, I think you're right.\ |
| 626 | '''Ashens:''' (''puts the figure off to the side)'' Oh no, I've insulted him now. |
| 627 | ** On a figure of a dead old man with empty eye sockets: |
| 628 | --->'''Ashens:''' You see how he's staring at you now? That's the last thing you'll see before you die. |
| 629 | ** Regarding a blue alien hooker with a long neck figure: |
| 630 | --->'''Harry:''' Do you think she does deepthroating?\ |
| 631 | '''Ashens:''' I don't think anything can go ''that'' deep. |
| 632 | ** Then, there's a recolor of the hooker: |
| 633 | --->'''Ashens:''' Another version, where she's sort of a slightly skin color, but has developed a soul patch. Which is not really making her any more attractive.\ |
| 634 | '''Harry:''' Ahh, it just ruins it now. She was quite attractive previously.\ |
| 635 | '''Ashens:''' Just shave it off, she'll be fine. |
| 636 | ** Harry's comment about the blue hooker's alternate head: |
| 637 | --->"Honestly, it looks like every alien from [[Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration The Next Generation]] combined into one." |
| 638 | ** The segue into the Monsta Fizz's poster boy (a cobra with a hamster body): |
| 639 | --->'''Harry:''' (''on an insect-like orange-striped creature'') It's like Garfield from the alpha dimension.\ |
| 640 | '''Ashens:''' (''chuckles'') I don't want to see Odie!\ |
| 641 | '''Harry:''' Well, actually. Saying that, I think you might have to. (''brings the cobra-hamster into frame'')\ |
| 642 | '''Ashens:''' Oh my god! |
| 643 | ** Ashens noting that the Frankenstein's Monster figure nicked his red coat from [[VideoGame/DevilMayCry Devil May Cry's]] Dante. |
| 644 | ** How does the video end? Why, a [[https://youtu.be/e0CQ1OTmAJ0?si=uAQnpmG08PHe9MPz&t=1231 gallery]] of all the freaks they made by switching the figure parts around, of course. |
| 645 | * How [[http://youtu.be/HroCBkbgMow?t=5m9s incredibly easily]] the action figure from a Spider-Man toy collection breaks apart, with hardly any pressure at all. It could very well be the cheapest, most fragile action figure Ashens has ever reviewed. |
| 646 | * In the "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHel_6sx0Jw Sonic Man - Fake Robocop figure]]", due to Youtube's advertiser-friendly video guidelines, Stuart says that his channel will be a swearing-free zone, only to say "[[ImmediateSelfContradiction Let's have a look at today's]] [[ClusterFBomb motherfucking piss-faced lump of wanky twat-shit]]" afterwards. |
| 647 | * Randomly stabbing an inflatable toy of a 2012 Olympic mascot in the eye. |
| 648 | --> '''Ashen:''' You go and stand over there Mandeville and I'm sure no harm will come of you... ''(stabs the toy and pulls it off of the knife)'' [[CaptainObvious I may have lied about that last bit.]] |
| 649 | * In his ''WesternAnimation/FiremanSam'' [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U8uqToevRQ Blind Bag opening video]], he finally gets the chance to ''[[{{Irony}} set fire to an action figure of a fireman]]''. |
| 650 | --> '''Stuart''': And so, irony of ironies, let's burn the fireman! |
| 651 | ** In the same video, he accidentally misreads Dilys' name as [[InconsistentSpelling "Oilys"]] due to the font used. |
| 652 | * Ashens reviews a [[http://youtu.be/bJqLlnQKO6I Gangnam Style robot]] that doesn't work properly. He then [[PercussiveMaintenance bitch-slaps]] [[http://youtu.be/bJqLlnQKO6I?t=215s it...]] |
| 653 | ** The sample the robot plays is so bitcrushed that it sounds like it's groaning in pain. |
| 654 | * In one of his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZbZrtPqfp1s Extra Ashens]] reviews, Ashen is profoundly disappointed by a ''Film/SpiderMan1'' blind-bag toy that is so cheap it could easily be outdone by Happy Meal toys and cereal-box prizes thirty years ancient. He attempts to KillItWithFire, as is his wont with blind bag items that displease him, but the plastic junk refuses to ignite, instead emitting novel green flames. The combination of resignation, disgust, and snark in his voice when he realizes this just seals the deal. |
| 655 | --> "Ugh. Even ''the fire'' doesn't want it." |
| 656 | ** Made all the more fun by his obviously improved mood when the darn thing finally starts to burn, ever so slightly. |
| 657 | ---> "Oh, yes it does!" |
| 658 | * The entirety of his video on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e1HnQosg3f0 Star Wars Bend-Ems]], a line of figures that substitute articulation for bendy wires inserted into the limbs. However, it's essentially useless as the wires break easily, leaving figures in bizarre poses. The most common, being outstretched arms that make them look like they've been crucified. This looks especially funny with the Obi-Wan Kenobi figure, since he already looks like Jesus. |
| 659 | ** Figures that aren't broken don't fare much better, as the "articulation" gives them noodle limbs. |
| 660 | ** The C-P30 figure is especially noteworthy as not only is it colored brown, but it's also the smallest figure in the line. |
| 661 | * His [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRh4GrL86Zw&t=155 reaction]] to a [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything questionably placed]] snake on a [[Franchise/HarryPotter Voldemort]] figure. |
| 662 | -->'''Stuart:''' And his even more magnificent... [[BestialityIsDepraved trouser snake]]. |
| 663 | * During his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn1IuIaaVI8 review]] of Airfix action figures, Athens talks about the "Eagles" toyline and their nemesis literally named Dr. War, who looks like a bad Darth Vader cosplay with a minotaur helmet. The best part is when he reveals Dr. War's wrinkly face under his helmet and imitates him. |
| 664 | --> '''Dr. War:''' You're out lads, Dr. War here. Now, if you're thinking of having a war, y'know big old conflict, well y'know one of the big ones with all of the explosions and all the dead kids and the trauma and all that, give us a shout! I've got rockets in me arms; I can really help with that sort of thing. If you come to me office, it's uh, Room 33 above the job center. Um, they're pretty much everyday from 10 in the morn until 4 in the afternoon; uh except Thursday afternoons when I see me nan. Uh, just knock on the door three times and the password is "War"; that's W-A-R, War. Oh no, I think I'm double parked. |
| 665 | * Stuart and Alec [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjmBd5F3H-U look at]] some official action figures of [[Franchise/StarWars Han Solo]] and the former sees a really bad modern one. |
| 666 | -->'''Stuart:''' They've got to be doing it right these days, surely.\ |
| 667 | '''Alec:''' You would hope.\ |
| 668 | '''Stuart:''' (''sees the figure'') [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh no]].\ |
| 669 | '''Alec:''' But then...\ |
| 670 | '''Stuart:''' (''chuckles'') ''Oh no''! What is ''this''?!\ |
| 671 | '''Alec:''' This. This is what happened. So. We'll go with the before and after. So, here is Han Solo in his glory days. (''brings the figure into frame and hands it to Stuart'')\ |
| 672 | '''Stuart:''' So, this is a modern figure?\ |
| 673 | '''Alec:''' Sculpted in permanent shrug with a protruding gut and droopy face.\ |
| 674 | '''Stuart:''' Oh my god! He looks ''really ill''. What is going on?\ |
| 675 | '''Alec:''' This is a very strange figure.\ |
| 676 | '''Stuart:''' He looks like he's melting! He's got ''giant eyes''! Wha-what? Why is ''this'' is in my house?! It's ''horrible''. (''laughs'') |
| 677 | * Stuart once covered one of the ''Breath Blasters'', a very temporary line of [[NauseaFuel intentionally gross]] toys that when squeezed, released extremely potent, noxious and toxic odors[[note]]"Very temporary" [[NotHyperbole isn't hyperbole]]; as some could probably guess due to the buildup, [[MyLittlePanzer they turned out to actually be hazardous to the health of people it was used on]], and the toys were shortly recalled.[[/note]], and points out the {{Pun}} in that it "made scents" to collect all of them, but when he reaches the final line in that each of them "smells grosser than the rest", he questions the logic behind it. |
| 678 | -->"'Each smells grosser than the rest!' Um? [points finger towards line] 'Each smells grosser than the rest'? No, that's not physically possible! [[FridgeLogic Think about it!]] One of them's got to smell the most gross and one of them's got to smell the least gross or they wouldn't physically exist!" |
| 679 | |
| 680 | [[/folder]] |
| 681 | |
| 682 | [[folder:Bootleg Film Reviews]] |
| 683 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6KMGfmI5UA "Pirate DVD Showcase"]]: |
| 684 | ** One of the bootleg [=DVDs=] Ashens reviews is a version of ''Franchise/StarWars: Film/AttackOfTheClones'' with [[TyopOnTheCover several errors on the box]], such as "Episode II" being misspelled as "Episo pe II". And when he gets to reading the [[TranslationTrainWreck severely mistranslated description on the back of the box]], he decides to do [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3_VZC8VE5U an imitation]] of the classic ''Star Wars'' opening text crawl. |
| 685 | ** After that, he looks at pirated versions of ''Film/KingArthur2004'' and '''his own movie (!!)'''; both are actually pretty professional efforts for the most part, aside from the fact that the former advertises Creator/KeiraKnightley as playing "[[ViewerGenderConfusion Sir]] [[RougeAnglesOfSatin Lencelot]]" and has the credits for ''Film/JohnQ'' on the back, while the latter squishes the movie to a roughly 5:1 aspect ratio and has a made-up credit list that for some bizarre reason claims that Ashens and the director also did make-up effects. Plus the latter also has a short but surprisingly relaxing jazz riff for the menu, which plays at the end of the video as well. |
| 686 | ---> '''Stuart:''' Well, it's nice to feel wanted, even if it is by inexplicable Chinese pirates. |
| 687 | ** Finally, he checks out a ''Film/DieAnotherDay'' bootleg that causes him to [[{{Corpsing}} corpse uncontrollably]] at least three times due to the all-around EpicFail involved. The disc misspells the film's name as "Die Another Da," while the film itself is such a poorly-framed camcorder copy that its title appears to read "Other Day." On top of that, the plot synopsis starts out by saying "[[BlatantLies Not much is known about the premise yet]]," before going into a plot summary that would be spoilerrific as hell if not for the fact that it confuses North Korea with ''Hawaii'', seems to think that the BigBad and TheDragon are actually ''the same character'', and that said character uses a facial mutation device to "turn into [Toby] ''Stephens''", which Stuart takes to mean that the device can make you look like anyone whose name is "Stephen". |
| 688 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6ji8uMengU They return]], and the results are even better: |
| 689 | ** There's a ''Franchise/StarWars: Film/ANewHope'' bootleg that actually doesn't look too bad, until one looks closer and finds out that not only does it say '''The''' New Hope, but all of the images are from pretty much every other ''Star Wars'' film except the one they're trying to sell! Also one of the images is an old fan render for ships that don't appear in the films. |
| 690 | ** Next after that is a copy of ''Film/BatmanBegins''; an impressive copy for the most part, except for the blurb on the back... which has been taken from a review of the ''[[VideoGame/BatmanBegins tie-in game]]'' instead of the movie itself. Then there's one for ''Film/Terminator3RiseOfTheMachines'' (or as the bootleg insists: ''Terminator 3: Rise Machines''), which is mostly stock fonts and stretched images, and has renders of official merchandise on the cover. |
| 691 | ** What sells the video, though, are the next three bootlegs, which are of such low quality it's almost kind of impressive; an ''Film/AttackOfTheClones'' copy in German that is a very adhoc home print where the footage itself is a cam recording, then a copy of ''Film/ThePrince'' that not only splits the main film in half, but also contains ''eight'' other films within [[labelnote:Specifically]]''Film/BrickMansions'', ''Film/Sabotage2014'', ''The Bag Man'' (another film starring Creator/JohnCusack), ''Film/Contraband2012'', ''Film/TheRaid'', ''Film/TheRaid2Berandal'', ''Film/District13'' and ''Film/Banlieue13Ultimatum''[[/labelnote]] as well as smooth jazz in the menus. And then, ''Film/StuartLittle 3: Call of the Wild'', which has a blurb so incomprehensible [[{{Corpsing}} it sends Stuart and Alec into hysterics before long]]. Here is the ''first line'' of the blurb, to give you an idea how bad it is; |
| 692 | --->''pack your bogs and load up the cmping gear, it's time to answer STUART UTTLE 3:CALL OF THE WILD!'' |
| 693 | *** The blurb also misspells Stuart's name as '''Stusrl''', and in the end, the two combine the errors and just call him Stusrl Uttle. |
| 694 | ** Finally, a copy of ''Film/CatchMeIfYouCan'' ("[[{{Irony}} A True Story of a Real Fake]]"), another decent rip... except for the back cover. It contains another review rip (though this time it's at least for the movie), and utterly nonsensical poster credits, featuring such gems as "Dreamworks product a Steven Spielberg filmwriting", someone named Frederick Knott being credited [[ShapedLikeItself for the credits]], and "Clayton Hartley by Frank W. Abagnale". |
| 695 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIMhsB9zFGU Third time's]] the charm: |
| 696 | ** It starts off with a DVD for the movie ''G'', which is a pretty impressive copy of the original DVD, and the description on the back starts off in perfect English as well. That is, until it reaches the nonsensical line "Complex triangular relationship break!", at which point it devolves into nonsense. |
| 697 | ** It gets better with the DVD for ''Film/TheDarkKnight'': |
| 698 | *** The quote "Bought it for son as he request" on the cover; |
| 699 | *** Mostly using pre-release promo imagery as the artwork[[note]]the cover is a Got Milk? promotional poster[[/note]]; |
| 700 | *** The spine calling the film "Batman the Dark Knight"; |
| 701 | *** The description talking about ''WesternAnimation/BatmanTheAnimatedSeries'' rather than the film; |
| 702 | *** The credits and special features taken from ''Film/{{Zodiac|2007}}'', containing spelling errors resulting from OCR software misreading certain letters (such as "Commentary By Diroctor David Finchor"), which [[{{Corpsing}} make Stuart and Alec laugh]]. They lose it pretty badly on "This Is The Zodiac Spoaking" (which Stuart likens to Officer Crabtree from ''Series/AlloAllo''). |
| 703 | *** To top it all off, it's a terrible camcorder copy of the film. |
| 704 | ** Then comes ''Film/Jaws2'', which has the DVD artwork taken from the American release and contains a bunch of lies, like having a digital copy, when it in fact doesn't have one. |
| 705 | ** After that, it's the pirated DVD for ''Film/{{Cloverfield}}'', which, like ''G'', is an impressive copy of the original DVD, and the description on the back seems to be someone's review, and there's an inlay within the inlay. |
| 706 | ** And last, but not least, the DVD for ''Film/{{Taken}}''. The cover is similar to the UMD movie releases, except saying "DVD Video" instead of "UMD Video". The back of the box claims to have hard-coded "Japanes" subtitles, but Ashens notes in post that they're actually Korean. The disc is pure EpicFail, as it's a blank DVD disc with a tiny, poor quality sticker of the DVD cover stuck on it. |
| 707 | [[/folder]] |
| 708 | |
| 709 | [[folder:Mystery Boxes]] |
| 710 | * Just when he thought the contents of a Loot Crate couldn't get any cheaper, the May crate offers him easily the cheapest lot in LC history, cool Power Rangers T-shirt notwithstanding: a ''WesternAnimation/RickAndMorty'' puzzle, an [[ComicBook/TheAvengers Avengers]] ice cube tray, ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'' buttons, and worst of all, [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING!]] SHOELACES! He's completely exasperated and stunned, and it's hilarious. |
| 711 | -->[[AC: [[TheStinger I mean seriously, shoelaces and an ice cube tray]]? What's next? A Series/GameOfThrones-branded puncture repair kit?]] |
| 712 | * Whenever he gets an item that he thinks will be worth something, he'll sniff it and say it smells of Ebay. |
| 713 | * [[https://youtu.be/t-UzqLBge0E February 2014's]] Loot Crate gives us this gem, right off the bat. |
| 714 | -->'''Ashens:''' It's time for another Loot Crate. I must admit, I thought I was only ever going to do one of these, but lots and lots of people said: ''[in a gormless voice]'' "I should do more of them", ''[back to his regular voice]'' in ''exactly'' that voice. So, I thought: "Hey, perhaps if I do, they'll stop using ''that'' voice." |
| 715 | * At the beginning of the [[https://youtu.be/WsryoRmYH4A?t=102 May 2014]] Loot Crate, Ashens accidentally scratches the paint off a [[WesternAnimation/AdventureTime BMO]] tin while cutting the plastic wrapping and apologizes for it. |
| 716 | -->'''Ashens:''' Oh, [=BMO=]. I'm so sorry. There, there, I'll make you a wig later. |
| 717 | * In his Loot Crate June 2014, he tries one of the Warheads candies in the box. (For those outside of the US: Warheads is a brand of extremely sour candies. And we do mean ''extremely'' sour.) Ashen's response? "Crikey! That'll draw yer arse up to your elbows." |
| 718 | * [[https://youtu.be/TVgb5gKC_5s?t=408 July 2014's]] Loot Crate comes with an exclusive Marvel comic, which features an advertisement at the end with a man sporting a huge afro. |
| 719 | -->'''Ashens:''' This person's haircut has made up for all the evil in the world. |
| 720 | * One of the items he gets in the Loot Crate for [[https://youtu.be/d330-bMH1yg?t=95 November 2014]] is a Franchise/{{StreetFighter}} headband that he demonstrates by wearing it around his head in the most incorrect way you can imagine. |
| 721 | * Loot Crate sent Stuart a special package, which they requested he open on-camera. [[https://youtu.be/TXiTVBVNPyE?t=108 He correctly predicted]] that it would contain an entire shipment of [[MemeticMutation FUCKING INFLATABLE FUCKING CROWNS]]. |
| 722 | -->'''Ashens''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint It's going to take me ages to eat all of these.]] |
| 723 | ** And, to top it off, the package also contained a piece of paper with a [[MemeticMutation trollface]] printed on it. |
| 724 | * After getting a copy of ''VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaLinksAwakening'' (the DX version) in the 90s box in his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSeqt_n1hRk July 2016 Toy Box/Geek Gear video]], he notes that he's had good luck with the retro games he's been getting, then sarcastically suggests ''VideoGame/ETTheExtraTerrestrial'' for the Platform/Atari2600 [[TemptingFate for the next month. ]] [[{{Irony}} Guess what game he gets in the 80s box?]] |
| 725 | -->'''Ashens:''' 80's box! We have--''[[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe ohhhh]] [[PrecisionFStrike fuck]] [[BeCarefulWhatYouWishFor off!]]'' ''(Cue [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties Technical Difficulties]] screen)'' |
| 726 | * [[https://youtu.be/72R3Xs_HSU4 NerdCubed Mystery Box]]. It's a "lootbox" type that LetsPlay/NerdCubed cobbled together for Ashens, specifically being LOL Surprise mystery items (half of which has Ashen incredulous at the sheer expense of it all) and some utterly senseless wacky chocolate bars (like Chip Shop Curry and Chips in Chocolate...as in, ''literally french fries and curry sauce in chocolate''). |
| 727 | --> '''Stuart''': ''(unwrapping a snack)'' Oh man. Oh. This is... This is ''unholy''. WHAT HAST THOU WROUGHT?! ... This seems very wrong on many levels.\ |
| 728 | ** Funnily enough, Stuart [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cx0WT29erFE reviewed that exact same brand of curry chocolate bar]] previously, and didn't think it was too bad. |
| 729 | ** His comments while opening the [=LOL=] Surprise stuff. |
| 730 | *** A paper instructs him to "Place sticker on charm." |
| 731 | ---->"No, I'm going to place sticker in bin, where it deserves to live." |
| 732 | *** "This is like Pass the Parcel for cretins." |
| 733 | *** On the packaging: |
| 734 | ---->"So, every time you unsheathe another layer of the onion, more crap falls out."\ |
| 735 | "But now this does genuinely look like a cyber onion or something. This is [[Franchise/DoctorWho Doctor Who's]] onion."\ |
| 736 | "Let's peel the onion of disappointment." |
| 737 | *** One of the bags containing an accessory has writing on it that reads: "Careful! Precious contents inside!" |
| 738 | ---->'''Stuart:''' (''exhales'') There's laws about lying on packaging. |
| 739 | *** The bag containing the doll has a speech bubble saying: "It's dark in here!'' |
| 740 | ---->"Yes, that's what you've done to our soul with your toys." |
| 741 | *** On one of the wrappers for the big doll, there's a character with a speech bubble shouting: "Let me out!" |
| 742 | ---->"''No'', you should stay in here and rot, like the evil you are." |
| 743 | *** After finding an accessory that looks like a chain: |
| 744 | ---->"We've got the Chain of Doom. That's nice, so you can lock it up in a cupboard or something so it never gets out." |
| 745 | *** Stuart finally gets to have a look at the big doll: |
| 746 | ---->"It's like a modernized version of a Kewpie doll, if you remember those. Although, with the face, it looks more like somebody tried to make a sex doll of WesternAnimation/TweetiePie. That's ''absolutely'' horrific!" |
| 747 | *** "It's like a genie with some... (''drops accessory'') coffee." |
| 748 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IzaHDSDihdg His second look at a CD/DVD Mystery Box]] goes relatively mild, and at one point, he's about to [[TemptingFate start wishing that he'd find more DVDs]] in the box. Cue a DVD for the first WebVideo/{{Fred}} movie! It catches him off guard ''so'' much, he can't even properly read the CD. |
| 749 | * The [[RunningGag FUCKING INFLATABLE FUCKING CROWN!]] and all references to it in his April Loot Crate review. In the same review, his reaction to the magazine. He opens to a random page featuring a hilariously bad centaur photoshop of a man who looks suspiciously like himself, wearing said crown. [[StunnedSilence He doesn't even say anything,]] and then casually rips the magazine in half. |
| 750 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4aX7WF4KQs Güd Crate 3 & HMV Mystery Box 2]] |
| 751 | ** A set of Series/DoctorWho trading cards has FlavorText on one of the cards which is just plain ''bizarre''. |
| 752 | --> '''Stuart''': (reading from the card) [[ARareSentence This New New Yorker went to Pharmacy Town to buy a patch to make her forget her parents went to the motorway]]. (laughing) Oh dear, I do apologize. That took me by surprise! What the fuck does that mean?! |
| 753 | ** The first card he sees when he opens the package is of Will Kempe, which he refers to as "an elderly He-Man." |
| 754 | ** The ''He-Man'' book which has the titular character's face drawn like an angry farmer's. |
| 755 | --->'''Stuart!Farmer:''' Get off my land, before I shoot your dog. |
| 756 | [[/folder]] |
| 757 | |
| 758 | [[folder:Norwich Games Festival]] |
| 759 | * [[https://youtu.be/ouvi-fwrfIY His talk about]] ''Hareraiser'', which he considers [[WorstWhateverEver the worst game ever made]], includes a moment where he [[AudienceParticipation asks the audience for who they think the celebrity in on]] ''Literature/{{Masquerade|1979}}'' was. [[CrossesTheLineTwice Someone says]] "Creator/JimmySavile" and Stuart responds with a genuinely relieved [[NoJustNoReaction "Thank goodness, no!"]].[[note]]The real answer is [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bamber_Gascoigne Bamber Gascoigne,]] the original quizmaster of ''Series/UniversityChallenge'' from 1962 to 1987.[[/note]] |
| 760 | -->'''Stuart''': Although, at [[TheSeventies the time]], that's entirely feasible, however, they wanted somebody who was known for their intelligence -- [[TakeThat not Jimmy Savile]] -- and somebody who also I suppose could be trusted so they could say later "Look, we had a trustworthy person." And as it turns out, [[TakeThat that's]] ''[[TakeThat very]]'' [[TakeThat much not Jimmy Savile]]. |
| 761 | ** This entire monologue: |
| 762 | --->'''Stuart:''' Now, I know what you're thinking: "Surely it's unfair to say that ''Hareraiser: Prelude'' and ''Hareraiser: Finale'' are terrible ''games'' because they're merely ''part'' of a puzzle, and I would have to be saying that the entire puzzle is terrible for it to count." Well, [[BluntYes yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.]] In fact, I'm gonna do it now. ''*clears throat*'' '''''The whole puzzle is terrible.''''' [[LampshadeHanging There we are, that's got rid of any worry about that.]] And I shall now attempt to show why I think that using information and reasoning, y'know, [[TakeThat just the way they don't in political discourse anymore.]] |
| 763 | ** Later on, Stuart gets into the controversy surrounding "Ken Thomas," the winner of ''Masquerade'' and creator of ''Hareraiser'': |
| 764 | --->'''Stuart''': It transpires that he has something in common with Sherlock Holmes! And it's not that they're both great detectives, it's that [[WhamLine they're both fictional]]. |
| 765 | ** When Stuart actually plays ''Hareraiser'', he finds the game's title music to be unpleasant. |
| 766 | --->'''Stuart:''' Now, there's a feature on a laptop called mute. (''mutes his laptop'') It is a good feature... You are my sunshine. No, you ain't, mate. |
| 767 | * Most of his talk on [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFd60nCBygg Anti-Piracy advertisements]]. Particularly the FAST comic ads, where he keeps noticing that the artist has trouble with drawing the same faces for each panel. |
| 768 | --->'''Stuart:''' ''(reading the comic)'' Hang on...These look like copies! Also, I'm a different person. |
| 769 | ** In the first comic "One Day at a Friend's House," Stuart notices the kid bears resemblance to UsefulNotes/DonaldTrump and refers to him as Donald Trump Jr. |
| 770 | * The entirety of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFF9O73iwko Gallery of Shame]], a presentation at the Norwich Games Festival, in which Stuart takes the piss out of bad video game cover art. |
| 771 | [[/folder]] |
| 772 | |
| 773 | [[folder:Wish and Ali Express]] |
| 774 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mMIOhoUcCM August 2019:]] Stuart tries building a PC with parts purchased on Wish.com with a price limit of 35 pounds per part[[note]]He had to purchase a case from somewhere else, though, because Wish doesn't sell computer cases, but it's still less than 35 pounds[[/note]]. The most notable part is a knock-off Nvidia GPU, which only accepted drivers from the enclosed CD and not official ones from Nvidia. Hilariously, [= PCMark =] even prefixed the GPU's name with "[FAKE]". It doesn't help that the GPU comes in "the most generic box ever shat out of Satan's bumhole", as Stuart put it. He even tried running [[VideoGame/PlayerUnknownsBattlegrounds PlayerUnknown's Battlegrounds]] on it and the results were not promising. |
| 775 | --> '''Stuart: '''And then, I mean, it did kind of get through into the menu, but, yeah, running at about like 3 frames a week and everything is orange. |
| 776 | * In his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYg2SY4WLek 3rd video on random items from Ali Express]]: |
| 777 | ** Regarding an overappreciative card that's supposed to be given to a boss. |
| 778 | --->'''Stuart:''' You could give your boss this, or you could just rush into his office and stick your tongue straight down the back of his pants. |
| 779 | *** He is also extremely disturbed by it, even going as far to say it might be the worst thing he's ever reviewed. |
| 780 | ** He gets a package of stickers that resemble various road signs. A lot of them are badly translated, but none are worse than the sticker with a stick figure beating up another person, with the words "I Fucking Love You" written under it. His reaction is priceless. |
| 781 | *** And then, the next sticker is a sign that says "Don't Love Me." |
| 782 | ---->'''Stuart:''' Yeah, especially not if you're the person in the last one, appear to be beating someone with a stick. |
| 783 | * In his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVbQFKkiPwk tenth video on random items from Wish.com]]: |
| 784 | ** For searching "PEBBLE", Stuart is given a bag of badly molded plastic rocks which he struggles to find anything to talk about. |
| 785 | --->'''Stuart:''' Brilliant. You can put them on top of a plant, and then people will say: "Why do you got bits of plastic on top of your plant?" |
| 786 | *** When he dumps them out on the sofa, he lets out a large sigh. |
| 787 | ** Stuart's interpretation of what The Last Temptation of Christ movie is about. Which is just Jesus gawking over magnetic hooks for an hour. |
| 788 | ** He's baffled when two of the items he gets have nothing to do with the words he searched. "TIN" gives him a bag of tiny plastic ducks, and "UNCERTAINTY" gives him an eyeball chain pin, which he breaks with little effort. |
| 789 | ** His reaction to erasing the alien stockbroker he drew on the sketch board. |
| 790 | [[/folder]] |
| 791 | |
| 792 | [[folder:Who Stole My Sofa?]] |
| 793 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWYY4BCAyzQ "Who Stole My Sofa?"]], an elaborate [=YouTube=]-based {{Gamebooks}}-type story with [[MassiveMultiplayerCrossover multiple guest appearances by other Youtube personalities]] is rife to the brim with funny moments: |
| 794 | ** One of the first options is to ''not'' go on an adventure to find the sofa, and instead getting a new one from Dr. Pepper [[ProductPlacement (who also]] [[BitingTheHandHumor sponsored the video)]]. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_3752851111&feature=iv&src_vid=PWYY4BCAyzQ&v=FmZ-xW8twzs What Stuart has to do under his new contract is hilariously pitiful.]] |
| 795 | ** Dan's bizarre subplot throughout the entire video, in that not only is [[AdamWesting he constantly and involuntarily slipping into his role as Chef Excellence from]] ''WebVideo/AshensAndTheQuestForTheGameChild,'' but Stuart can call back to check on him, only to realize he's been [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext trying to take a bath in Dr. Pepper,]] [[NoodleIncident somehow]] [[GoneHorriblyWrong going horribly,]] ''[[GoneHorriblyWrong horribly]]'' [[GoneHorriblyWrong wrong.]] |
| 796 | ** The entire bit with the [[LargeHam ham-tastic]] Space Gatekeeper [[EmbarrassingFirstName named]] [[TomTheDarkLord Mavis]], played by WebVideo/KickThePj. In particular, the second question he asks, "What is infinity?", goes on a weird tangent. |
| 797 | ---> '''Space Gatekeeper''': Seriously, I lent you my ruler ''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis FIVE. TIMES,]]'' Latisha! What were you measuring!? ''[[LargeHam MY PAIN!?]]'' |
| 798 | *** Also, the bit when Stuart finally gets what he needs and is about to leave, before [[AmazinglyEmbarrassingParents Mavis' mother shows up to offer them some refreshments.]] |
| 799 | ** When Stuart ends up in a rap battle against Music/DanBull, he has three options, all of which are hilarious: |
| 800 | *** "Compete in Rap Battle" has him do just that... through a random [[UsefulNotes/BarbershopMusic barbershop quartet]] proving his backup. Even Dan and his posse are confused. |
| 801 | *** "Compete in Wrap Battle" [[LiteralMinded is exactly that.]] Stuart delicately prepares a tortilla wrap using ingredients appearing out of nowhere. Dan is once again reasonably confused. |
| 802 | *** "Ignore the Word 'Rap'" [[MundaneSolution simply has Stuart knock]] [[WhenAllYouHaveIsAHammer Dan upside his head]] [[TheAllSolvingHammer with a giant hammer]] [[ViolenceReallyIsTheAnswer to tell him where his sofa is.]] |
| 803 | ** Any of the choices with WebVideo/{{Danisnotonfire}} and WebVideo/AmazingPhil, all based on the fact that Stuart is so compulsive in trying to review things, even without his sofa. |
| 804 | ---> '''Stuart''': [[CreepyMonotone (flatly)]] I want to review the camera. ''[reaches out for it]''\ |
| 805 | '''Phil''': But we're not in front of a sofa now, are we? ''[forcing to restrain Stuart's arms]''\ |
| 806 | '''Dan''': Calm down, this is a nice environment, it's the first time for him! |
| 807 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_3799509265&feature=iv&src_vid=v78lilidtDM&v=n4PS89YxGkI This option]] when Stuart decides to press the BigRedButton while meeting The Silver Skull. |
| 808 | [[/folder]] |
| 809 | |
| 810 | [[folder:Others]] |
| 811 | * Due to technical difficulties, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i13X-gCv8lY Ashens decides to review his hotel room]] thanks to him not being able to get the actual video he wanted up. He talks about how he never used the provided kettle, and he reveals why at the end. It turns out, when he first went in, resting on the kettle... was some pubic hair. |
| 812 | --> '''Ashens:''' [[ARareSentence Clearly this hotel is a notorious black spot for kettle fuckers.]] |
| 813 | * The unveiling of Chef Excellence. |
| 814 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEL89oQpIKs Pasta Excellence.]] |
| 815 | * [[https://youtu.be/6CxTGQDmkf8?t=5m47s Ashen makes up his own backstory for Chef Excellence]], which, as he puts it, sounds like an [[TheEighties 80's]] cartoon, [[StylisticSuck only rubbish]]. |
| 816 | --> Chef Excellence is some kind of superpowered being from another dimension who has been brought across to our world in order to fight his evil nemesis, Chef Ineptitude. Now, Chef Ineptitude is scouring the world to try and find his three dark liutenants: Chef Tongue, Chef Hair & Chef Rude. Now, the thing is, if he manages to get hold of all of them, he will absorb their souls and form the incredibly destructive creature - Chef Pestilence, who will destroy the world in a wave of overly poncy and extremely antisocial nastiness. Meanwhile, our hero, Chef Excellence, will, of course, go along, capture them first and store them in his special bags he's produced for the purpose - Stay Fresh Evil Bags. |
| 817 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEL89oQpIKs An Excellent Mauling]] |
| 818 | --> '''Ashens''': (''long lingering death glare'') |
| 819 | --> '''Chef Excellence''': [[OhCrap Oh, shit.]] |
| 820 | --> '''Ashens''' (''to dog''): Oscar... KILL. |
| 821 | --> '''Chef Excellence''': (''screaming in terror'') '''HELP ME, ''JESUS!''''' |
| 822 | * From the Royal Wedding video, he says that in a picture of the Royal couple, they may be looking at a [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4rqVauL2eI&t=10m45s fox levitating and shooting lasers out of his asshole.]] |
| 823 | * Ashen attends Gamescon and offers what seems like the average questions to people fielding questions for Ubisoft's titles. However, he occasionally tosses in a reference to the "God-monster of Indian Flats." No one bats an eye. |
| 824 | * His complete and utter skewering of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYwLGYVrUn4 a letter from known con-artist Peter Popoff]]. |
| 825 | -->He hasn't even got his name at the top ''[of his own address]''. I mean, even ''I'' put "Ashens" before my P.O. Box, [[EvenEvilHasStandards and I'm basically the most evil man that ever lived.]] |
| 826 | ** In the middle of reading the letter, he is distracted by a sentence telling him to put up an included poster on the wall. "It's not a picture of you in a thong, is it? God!" |
| 827 | ** He also riffs on the letter being underlined and written on, a la some kind of ConspiracyTheorist: |
| 828 | ---> '''Ashens:''' ''Look at the coincidences... [[UsefulNotes/TheWarOnTerror [=9/11=]]] happened on the day of the 11th, and 11 [[InsaneTrollLogic is the number of my sister's house! SHE IS THE DEVIL!]]'' |
| 829 | ---> '''Ashens:''' ''Music/LadyGaga is the Snake God, [[BlatantLies it's all so obvious...]]'' |
| 830 | * During the opening to the Intergalactic Cage Match video, he describes the golden age of wrestling and references key characters such as Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant... and then immediately goes off point and lists Fisto from [[WesternAnimation/HeManAndTheMastersOfTheUniverse1983 He-Man]], and Simply Red's Mick Hucknall. |
| 831 | * A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EnUUzQ2qiCg video]] announcing a screening of ''WebVideo/AshensAndTheQuestForTheGameChild'' has [[TheStinger two stingers]], which is a touch odd, but for good reason. It's the second stinger that's good for a laugh, as the camcorder's facial recognition software, which has long been one of Ashens' banes, manages to recognize a face...where there really isn't one. |
| 832 | --> "I'd also like to point out that the facial recognition on this camcorder has picked up the [[BuffySpeak egg bird thing]], which is ''literally'' the only item here which ''doesn't have a fucking face''." |
| 833 | * Every second of his review of [[http://youtu.be/fCQcFM4xrbI The World's Sharpest Knife]]. |
| 834 | ** ATTENTION: SHARP BLADE |
| 835 | ** This comment: |
| 836 | --->'''Stuart''': I'm worried that it's so sharp if I drop it pointing down it will just carve through to the Earth's core. |
| 837 | ** His bizarre rant in the middle: |
| 838 | --->'''Stuart''': I can feel its power... I am now unstoppable! Nobody can get in my way! [...] I FEAR NO MAN NOW THAT I HAVE THIS IMPERVIOUS LADDER OF STEEL, THIS-THIS GOD OF BLADES, '''THIS MOTHERFUCKING EXCALIBUR!''' Come on, my beauty.. LET US DEMONSTRATE YOUR OMNIPOTENT POWER AND '''CLEAVE THIS HIDEOUS EARTH IN TWAIN!!''' |
| 839 | ** Followed by a montage of him slicing things up with the knife, set to OminousLatinChanting. |
| 840 | ** Several of the viewer comments are pretty good too. |
| 841 | --->''"When Ashen is on his deathbed, someone needs to take this and [[Myth/ArthurianLegend throw it back into the lake]]."''\ |
| 842 | ''"Sharpness: 999999. Durability: 50. Rarity: legendary. Defence: 80."''\ |
| 843 | ''"But can it cut through a [[MadeOfIndestructium Nokia]]?"'' |
| 844 | * The Ashensbox (his version of a Loot Crate with custom stuff based on his previous works) has Ashens introduced to several card magic tricks in person. His responses are "BurnTheWitch" the first time, and a sound amusingly close to that made by a distressed calf after the second experience. Then there's the introduction of the face cards (listed in order of Jack, Queen, King, and Ace): |
| 845 | --> '''Spades in similar design to his logo:''' Silver Skull, Chef Excellence, Ashens, and The Sad Onion |
| 846 | --> '''Hearts representing [[WebVideo/AshensAndTheQuestForTheGameChild his movie]]:''' Chef Excellence, Ashley, Ashens, and The Game Child |
| 847 | --> '''Clubs representing the Chef Excellence mysteries cartoon:''' Guru Larry, Chef Excellence, Ashens, and the Abstruseness Automobile |
| 848 | --> '''Diamonds for miscellaneous works:''' Knighthood and Decoy, The Troll with He-man body (AKA the Internet Troll), Ashens from Ideas Men, and... HUSSSSSSSS |
| 849 | * His incredulous reaction to the silly-sounding names of the eponymous characters listed in "[[https://youtu.be/3Hs-jfyA-7U?t=3m1s Yowie Mystery Chocolate Monster Things]]", to which he thinks-- |
| 850 | -->'''Ashens:''' Oh, here's all the gang! Boof, Crag, Squish, Rumble, Ditty, and Nap... they sound like, sort of [[EvilCounterpart evil counterparts]] to the [[WesternAnimation/SnowWhiteAndTheSevenDwarfs Seven Dwarfs]], who could possibly come and attack them in [[{{Sequelitis}} a sequel, or something]]. There we are Creator/{{Disney}}, get in touch! |
| 851 | ** Even better is the video description-- |
| 852 | --->''DISCLAIMER: "Boof, crag, squish, rumble, ditty and nap" is NOT a set of instructions for a sexual encounter.'' |
| 853 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80NcesuYEzE During his trip to Hong Kong]], Ashens bought a Steve Jobs tribute t-shirt. This appears to be a fairly serious video until it's revealed the text on the t-shirt is a TranslationTrainWreck. |
| 854 | --> '''Stuart''': ''(in a serious tone)'' For Stevev Jobs - just long. Evcryone has i cercion cdeal. His idcal detceraninst, his ottort, and judgment of direccion. |
| 855 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mD8jCMqj2QI 10 Items I Never Showed You]]. |
| 856 | ** The first item is a Funko Pop of Queen Elizabeth. On the back, a little disclaimer says that they are not supplied to the Royal family. This leads into Ashens dipping back into his Queen impression. |
| 857 | --->'''Stuart:''' [''speaking as Queen Elizabeth''] Please. May One, have one of the small Funko figurines, that has been made of One? |
| 858 | ** The second item is a 2-pack of sticky wrestlers, which doesn't work as well as he wanted. |
| 859 | --->'''Stuart:''' I mean I've seen worse wrestling, but not very often. |
| 860 | *** "Come on, make [[Wrestling/VinceMcMahon Vince]] happy, or he'll destroy you all." |
| 861 | ** [[ItMakesSenseInContext "I'm gonna bite the dog's bum. That'll teach it... It's the only way they'll learn."]] |
| 862 | ** "Oh god, the light's fallen over. We're doomed. We're doomed." |
| 863 | ** Regarding a trio of action figure heads; which includes [[Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger Schwarzenegger]], [[Film/DieHard John [=McClane=]]] and [[Film/StarWarsTheForceAwakens Rey Skywalker]]. |
| 864 | --->'''Stuart:''' Good god... The reboot of [[Film/TheThreeStooges The Three Stooges]] was not what anyone expected. |
| 865 | ** The segue into the Fuggler[[note]]"Funny Ugly Monsters"[[/note]] raccoon, . |
| 866 | --->'''Stuart:''' What more do you want out of life? The answer is: [''puts the Fugglers box on the sofa''] Not this bastard. [''chuckles''] |
| 867 | *** "Warning: Do not shake contents. [''shakes the box''] Don't tell me what to do, you fascist!" |
| 868 | *** There's a button on the raccoon's anus. |
| 869 | ---->'''Stuart:''' Da-duh-da-duh-da-duh! Why?! |
| 870 | *** "If you do want to buy one of these for your small child. Umm... ''Don't''. Is my recommendation." |
| 871 | * During his [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuDkr5x3b9Y review]] of greetings cards from the 1970s, he comes across a birthday card which has a young girl thinking about an older woman (presumably her mom) and by the girl's side is a shotgun. This makes her look she's going to actually [[{{Matricide}} kill her mother]]. Stuart can't help but [[{{Corpsing}} laugh in bewilderment]] at this sight. |
| 872 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NT7p7puwtU Shrek the Third, Pokémon and Minion eau de toilette]] has him looking at cheap movie-themed bottled fragrances, which he continually questions the existence of. |
| 873 | -->'''Ashens:''' ''WHY DOES THIS EXIST''?! ''WHY''?! What happened in the world that somebody thought: "You know what we need: [[WesternAnimation/ShrekTheThird the third Shrek]] to have its own pissing fragrance." |
| 874 | ** Several times in the video he laughs at the absurdity of it all. Special mention goes to when he takes the cap off the Shrek one and finds it has no spray nozzle. |
| 875 | --->"Let me ''jam'' it into my arm and ''inject myself with eau de Shrek'' (''breaks down'')." |
| 876 | ** Him getting noticeably annoyed at the Shrek bottle for only providing him a summary of the movie, rather than any info on what it is. |
| 877 | --->(''reading: "When Shrek married Princess Fiona"'') Wait. Why is that on a different line and diagonal or much bigger? Who cares. (''back to reading: "becoming the next King and Queen of Far Far Away wasn't part of the plan. Recruiting Donkey and Puss in Boots for a new quest, Shrek sets out to bring back the rightful heir to the throne."'') Nobody cares. (''"Back in Far Far Away, Fiona's jilted Prince Charming storms the city with an army of fairy tale villains to seize the throne. Fiona and a band of princesses must stop him to ensure there will be a kingdom left to rule."'') What's that got to do with some bloody scent suspended in alcohol?! Like, wha-what is going on? |
| 878 | ** The last one is [[Franchise/DespicableMe Minion-themed]] and he is absolutely stunned after he sniffs it and finds out that it's so cheap, it has no fragrance, only smelling of alcohol. |
| 879 | --->"Finally. Your child can smell like an alcoholic with Minions." |
| 880 | ** "And I also wasn't expecting the ''Shrek the Third'' to ''be the best''." |
| 881 | * Ashens [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpaIgMBJHQU attempting to review the boxes to ten DVDs for bargain bin horror films]] goes off the rails fairly quickly for one specific reason. Ashen got his friend Steve to write review website scores (half of were blank, by the way) and foreign market names on an inlay inside the cases. One problem; Steve's handwriting turns out to be '''AWFUL''' and Ashens corpses multiple times trying to decipher his scribbles. The inlay for ''Mother's Doll'' is perhaps the most infamous because the scribble comes out to Ashens as "Nedung Parste", which he compares to the writing on the [[Franchise/LordOfTheRings One Ring]][[note]]the actual alternate name is ''The Melancholy Fantastic''; Ashens is suitably flabbergasted as to how Steve wrote it like he did[[/note]]. The absolute clincher is his attempt to write ''Eden Lodge'''s alternate title of ''Breakdown''; the end result can only be described as a mad scribble across the page that would be totally illegible if not for context. Ashens gets as far as "Bruldoon" before he gives up. |
| 882 | [[/folder]] |
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