Line #60 Funny/SeventeenSeventySix


1	%%As a Moments subpage, all spoilers are unmarked [[Administrivia/SpoilersOff as per policy.]] Administrivia/YouHaveBeenWarned.
2	* At the beginning of the movie:
3	-->'''[=MacNair=]:''' Better get yourself back down to Congress, Mister Adams. Gettin' ready to vote, and they said they can't settle such an important question without Massachusetts bein' there.\
4	'''Adams:''' ''(bored)'' [[SarcasmMode I can just imagine.]] All right, what burning issue are we voting on this time?\
5	'''[=MacNair=]:''' ''(earnest)'' On whether or not to grant General Washington's request... that all members of the Rhode Island Militia be required to wear matchin' uniforms.\
6	'''Adams:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe ... oh, good God.]]
7	* Adams' biting remark about the first Congress just before "Sit Down, John":
8	-->I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a Congress!
9	* "Sit Down, John:
10	** Congress goes between telling Adams to shut up and trying desperately to ignore him.
11	--->'''Chase''': "Someone oughta ooooooopen up a window!"\
12	'''Adams''': "Will you listen to me and forget the window?!"\
13	'''Congress''': "It's ninety degrees, have mercy, John, please! It's hot as hell, in Philadel-phia!"
14	*** For native Philadelphians, it's particularly funny given that Philly really is ''miserably'' humid during the summer.
15	** Combined moment of Awesome and Funny when one Congressman asks if someone will shut up Adams.
16	--->'''Adams''': [[BigNever NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! NEVAAAAAAAAAAAAH!]]
17	* John and Abigail's first song in "Piddle, Twiddle, and Resolve", both of them completely unimpressed with the other's problems:
18	** In response to the long list of various illnesses their children are afflicted with, Adams replies "Madam, what else is new?"[[labelnote:*]]Granted, in RealLife he was more worried about these things.[[/labelnote]]
19	** When John demands to know why the ladies aren't making saltpeter, Abigail points out that he neglected to tell them ''how''.
20	--->'''John:''' By treating sodium nitrate with potassium chloride, of course!\
21	'''Abigail:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh yes, of course.]]\
22	(The stage directions for these lines in the play are [[MarsAndVenusGenderContrast "Impatiently" and "A woman"]], respectively)
23	** This is met with Abigail's "more urgent" problem: a pin shortage in Massachusetts, which she demands that John resolve before she sends him saltpeter -- and wins.
24	** John's lament at God. He lists all the different disasters and plagues that might have afflicted the American continent (all of which he claims he could've taken stoically), concluding with: "But no, you've sent us ''Congress!'' Good God, sir, was that fair?"
25	* Adams, about Congress: "Fat George has declared us in rebellion! Why in bloody hell can't they??"
26	* After listening to Franklin's lecture on how Adams is trying to talk Congress into something that's never been done before, and how no colony has ever forcibly broken with the mother country, Adams comments that he makes it sound like treason, leading to this exchange:
27	-->'''Franklin''': Treason, eh? Treason is a charge invented by winners as an excuse for hanging the losers.\
28	'''Adams''': Oh, I have better things to do than stand here listening to you quote yourself!\
29	'''Franklin''': (''very put out'') Oh no, that was a ''new'' one...
30	* "The Lees of Old Virginia": Franklin's wheedling, Lee serving [[LargeHam a large helping of ham]] along with a HurricaneOfPuns quite generous-''Lee'', and Adams as a wholly unwilling participant in the entire number.
31	** Lee's [[{{LargeHam}} over-Lee enthusiastic attitude.]]
32	--->'''Adams:''' Spoken modest-''Lee''. God help us!
33	** It gets even better in the movie: when Lee returns for his unexpected reprise (pulling off an OffScreenTeleportation, considering he rode out the front gate of the garden and emerges from a bush behind Franklin and Adams about fifteen seconds later) Adams winds up falling into the fountain, Franklin nearly falls in as well trying to get him out, and Adams tries and fails to hit Lee with his cane out of sheer frustration.
34	*** As Lee delivers the line, "May my horses turn to glue/if I don't deliver unto you/a resolution for independency," Lee's horse turns to look at him, as if moderate-Lee offended ("I'm just a horse! Don't blame me!").
35	** Richard Henry Lee leaving and coming back to sing his theme song, and Adams and Franklin's reaction to him.
36	--->'''John Adams:''' That was the most revolting display I have ever witnessed.\
37	'''Benjamin Franklin:''' They're warm-blooded people, Virginians.\
38	'''John Adams:''' Not him, Franklin, ''you''! You and your infernal sense of deviousness! If you'd just come out and asked him straight, he'd have been gone half an hour ago!\
39	'''Benjamin Franklin:''' Yes, and doing us a favor. Still, cheer up, John. Our cause is once again riding high, sitting straight in the saddle, in full gallop for Virginia!
40	*** And of course, it's immediately afterwards that Lee comes back for his encore, prompting an, "Oh, good ''God''" from John.
41	* This observation after roll call:
42	-->'''Hancock:''' I'm concerned over the continual absence of one-thirteenth of this Congress. Where is New Jersey?\
43	'''Dickinson:''' Somewhere between New York and Pennsylvania.
44	** It later turns out that the New Jersey delegates almost missed the independence vote because they got bad directions.
45	* "FIRE WAGON!!" [=MacNair's=] delighted face and his trembling with excitement really make the scene. And then nearly the ''entire congress of grown men'' races outside like a bunch of children to see what's on fire.
46	-->'''Sherman''': It might be the city tavern!\
47	'''[[TheAlcoholic Hopkins]]''': ''(outraged)'' Bite your tongue, man!
48	* Adams' morose worry that for all his effort to make America free, his contributions would never be known (the quote comes straight out of history, too):
49	-->'''Franklin''': Don't worry, John. The history books will clean it up.\
50	'''Adams''': It doesn't matter. I won't be in the history books anyway -- only you. Franklin did this and Franklin did that and Franklin did some other damned thing. Franklin smote the ground, and out sprang... UsefulNotes/GeorgeWashington, fully grown and on his horse. Franklin then electrified him with his miraculous lightning rod, and the three of them -- Franklin, Washington, ''and'' the horse -- conducted the entire Revolution by themselves.\
51	({{beat}})\
52	'''Franklin''': I like it!
53	* "Are you calling me a madman, you...you ''fribble''?!"
54	-->'''Dickinson:''' Are you calling me a coward?\
55	'''Adams:''' Yes! Coward!\
56	'''Dickinson:''' Madman!\
57	'''Adams:''' Landlord!\
58	'''Dickinson:''' [[EvilLawyerJoke LAWYER!]]\
59	''[cane fight ensues]''
60	** Made funnier by the fact that Adams ''actually was a lawyer''. ''[[HypocriticalHumor As was Dickinson]].''
61	** Also "fribble" is an actual word along with piddle, twiddle, pish posh, [[HaveAGayOldTime gay, and queer]].
62	* Dickinson mocks the idea of the Declaration, summing it up as an attempt to convince the world that an unlawful rebellion is legal. Franklin tells him he's shocked at his ignorance:
63	-->'''Franklin''': Everyone knows rebellion is always legal in the first person, as in "''our'' rebellion." It's only in the third person, "''their'' rebellion", that it is illegal.
64	* When the Continental Congress adjourns so the Committee of Five can write the Declaration of Independence, poor Jefferson tries to get a word in edgewise. Key word ''tries.''
65	-->'''Adams''': Move to adjourn.
66	-->'''Franklin''': I second!
67	-->'''Jefferson''': Mr. Hancock, please, I have to see my wife--
68	-->'''John Hancock''': [[NoIndoorVoice MOOOOOOVED AND SECONDED ANY OBJECTIIIIIIIIONS?]]
69	-->'''Jefferson''': ''(Literally standing right in front of Hancock)'' I have objections! I have ''lots'' of objections--
70	-->'''Hancock''' ''(completely ignoring him with a massive grin on his face)'' SO MOVED! CONGRESS STANDS ADJOURNED!
71	* The entirety of "But Mr. Adams", the song where the Founding Fathers shove the writing of their lame excuse to delay Congress from taking a vote (today more commonly known as The Declaration of Independence) on Thomas Jefferson.
72	** Also, any production that does not include ludicrous dancing is not doing it right.
73	** Just before the song starts, Franklin reassures Jefferson that he'll talk Adams into writing the document, so the rest of them can get off easy. Jefferson expresses doubts, saying that Adams had a weird look on his face. Franklin answers that Adams ''always'' has a weird look on his face.
74	** When Adams tries to talk Livingston into doing it, he cites that he's well-liked and diplomatic, whereas if Adams tries to write it, Congress will tear it to pieces. The other three interject to ask if Livingston knows about how "obnoxious and disliked" Adams is. Livingston, demonstrating his diplomacy, claims he hadn't heard.
75	** Jefferson sings along with the delegates during "But Mr. Adams", happily helping support the other committee members' reasons not to be the drafter, until he realizes that only leaves Adams, who's "obnoxious and disliked," and himself, meaning he couldn't leave for Virginia.
76	--->'''Jefferson:''' Mr. Adams!\
77	Leave me ''aloooooone!''
78	** When Jefferson complains about being sexually frustrated -- or more poetically, "But I ''burn,'' Mr. A!" Adams retorts that he's ''just'' as frustrated; "So do ''I,'' Mr. J!" Everyone is flabbergasted.
79	** When Adams says that he will ''make'' Jefferson write the Declaration, staging often dictates they advance glaring at each other until Adams -- who is typically played by an actor much shorter than the actor playing Jefferson[[note]]And indeed Adams was shorter than Jefferson[[/note]] -- is scowling upwards into Mr. J's face.
80	--->'''John:''' Now, you'll write it, Mr. J!\
81	'''Jefferson:''' ''[six feet three]'' Who will make me, Mr. A.?\
82	'''Adams:''' ''[five feet eight]'' I!\
83	'''Jefferson:''' ''You?''\
84	'''Adams:''' Yes!!!\
85	'''Jefferson:''' ''[leaning down to look Adams in the eye]'': ''' ''How?'' '''\
86	'''Adams''': ''[utterly unintimidated]''...by ''physical force,'' if necessary.
87	** The ending, in which the exasperated Jefferson takes Adams to task for sticking him with the job, much to the amusement of Franklin, Livingston, Sherman, and the audience.
88	--->'''Jefferson:''' Mr. Adams! Damn you, Mr. Adams!\
89	You are [[PhraseCatcher obnoxious and disliked]], that cannot be denied!\
90	Once again, you stand between me and my lovely bride...\
91	'''Franklin, Livingston, and Sherman:''' Love-lee briiiiiide...\
92	'''Jefferson:''' Ohhh, Mr. Adams!\
93	You are driving me to homicide!\
94	'''F, L, & S:''' ''HOMICIIIIIDE! HOMICIIIIIDE!''\
95	'''Adams:''' '''''[[BigShutUp QUIET!!!]]''''' Jefferson! Mr. Jefferson!\
96	'''F, L, & S:''' We may see murderrr! Yeeee-eeeeeet...!
97	* Jefferson's initial failure to write the Declaration.
98	-->'''Adams''': Do you mean to tell me that it is not yet finished?\
99	'''Jefferson''': No, sir. I mean to say that it is not yet begun.\
100	'''Adams''': Good ''God.'' A whole week! The entire earth was created in a week!\
101	'''Jefferson''': Someday, you must tell me how you did it.\
102	'''Adams''': ''Disgusting.'' Look at him, Franklin! Virginia's most famous lover!\
103	'''Jefferson''': Virginia abstains.
104	** The scene where he's trying to write: writes a little, then crumples up the paper. Then he writes even ''less'' on the next sheet before crumpling it, and finally, he just stares at the next one before crumpling it.
105	--->'''Jefferson''': Damn the man. God ''damn'' the man.
106	* Martha's arrival solves Jefferson's lack of concentration but causes several more issues:
107	** Adams being a combination of extremely awkward and irritated when Martha arrives and she and Jefferson start [[MakeOutKids kissing so passionately]] they become oblivious to anything else.
108	--->'''John:''' ''[pointedly looking away from the scene]'' Jefferson, kindly present me to your wife! ''[looks back at them]'' She ''is'' your wife, isn't she?
109	*** The slightly more worldly Franklin, meanwhile, has the kind of "aww, how sweet" look on his face normally reserved for newborn kittens.
110	---->'''Franklin:''' Of course she is -- look at the way they fit!
111	** Adams and Franklin have a bit of trouble the next morning:
112	*** After Adams and Franklin call back at Jefferson's home after his night with his wife:
113	---->'''Adams:''' This is positively indecent!\
114	'''Franklin:''' Oh, John, they're young and they're in love.\
115	'''Adams''': Not them, Franklin -- us! Standing out here -- waiting for them to -- I mean, what will people think?\
116	'''Franklin''': Don't worry, John. the history books will clean it up.
117	** Come morning when the shutters are still closed, the two men have a brief debate:
118	--->'''Adams''': Dare we call?
119	--->'''Franklin''': ''(boldly)'' A congressman dares anything. ''(He steps aside, gesturing)'' Go ahead.
120	** Adams realizing that Jefferson and his wife were having the 18th-century equivalent of a booty call:
121	--->'''Adams''': Good God! Y'mean they -- They're going to -- ''In the middle of the afternoon??''\
122	'''Franklin''': Not everybody's from Boston, John!
123	* The RunningGag of New York abstaining. [[InsistentTerminology Courteously]]. This continues for most of the musical before Hancock finally loses his temper, rising and making a motion as if to hit ''the delegate'' with his fly swatter.
124	-->'''Hancock:''' Mr. Morris. '''''WHAT IN HELL GOES ON IN NEW YORK?!'''''
125	** Morris then goes on to explain that [[TakeThat nothing ever gets done in his legislature because they're too busy arguing.]] Also, New York's law at the time was that they could attend Congress, [[FridgeLogic but could not vote.]]
126	* Pretty much everything Ben Franklin says. He was pretty much our nation's first DeadpanSnarker (and if not the first, certainly one of the all-time greats).
127	-->'''Franklin''': ''(to arriving delegate Dr. Lyman Hall)'' What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a Great Man before?
128	** And:
129	--->'''Adams''': Wake up, Franklin, you're going to New Brunswick!\
130	'''Franklin''': ''(half asleep)'' Like hell I am. What for?\
131	'''Hopkins''': The whoring and the drinking!\
132	''([[KavorkaMan Franklin gets up and marches off right behind Adams]])''
133	*** In the film, Adams even gives a little nod of 'Yeah, that'll definitely get him moving'.
134	*** For that matter, [[ScrewTheWarWerePartying the New Brunswick dispatch]] itself.
135	---->'''Witherspoon:''' There must be some mistake -- I have an aunt who lives in New Brunswick!\
136	'''Dickinson:''' You must tell her to keep up the good work!
137	* Franklin's first question, upon learning his son was arrested by Revolutionary forces: "Is he unharmed?" After a yes, his second question: "Tell me, why did they arrest the little bastard?" Also doubles as a HistoricalInJoke as his son actually ''was'' a bastard (in the "parents are unmarried" sense).
138	* The argument over whether the national bird is going to be [[{{Eagleland}} an eagle]], [[DovesMeanPeace a dove]]... [[HistoricalInJoke or a turkey]].
139	* If you ever believe that shows like ''WesternAnimation/SouthPark'' are corrupting Americans, take some twisted comfort in the fact that our founding fathers were finding amusement in comparing themselves to castrated bulls.
140	* This exchange between Franklin and Adams:
141	-->'''Franklin''': Treason is a charge invented by winners as an excuse for hanging the losers.\
142	'''Adams''': I have more to do than stand here listening to you quote yourself.\
143	'''Franklin''': No, that was a new one!
144	* "Judge Wilson, in your eagerness to be loved you seem to have forgotten that Pennsylvania [[SuddenlyShouting CANNOT SECOND ITS OWN MOTION!"]]
145	* Thomas Jefferson's finally written the Declaration! Great! Now, once Congress has heard it, comes the ''editing'' process. Poor Adams gets more unhappy as his writing is criticized and trimmed.
146	** "[[LargeHam A RRRRRACE]] [[ViolentGlaswegian OF BARRRRBARIANS!?]]"
147	** Adams' exasperation with the Congress trying to be politically correct (for the time, anyway), long before the term was a thing: "This is a REVOLUTION, dammit! We're going to have to offend SOMEBODY!"
148	** Just before the extreme darkness of "Molasses to Rum", we get one last chuckle when one of the Southern delegates asks Mr. Thompson to read back one of the charges against King George, the one about waging cruel war against nature. Thompson runs down a series of paragraphs accusing the king of all sorts of nasty things on his way to getting there, using the same tone one would use for a shopping list.
149	* Just as Adams rants about how well-prepared the Continental Army is, the courier walks in with a derisive dispatch, reporting how the army is in disarray. You can just see in Adams' expression what he expects.
150	* Poor Thomson's frustration visibly mounts with [[BeleagueredBureaucrat every interruption of his attempts to tally the votes]] on Virginia's resolution. When Adams, of all people, does it too, he can't help but make a mild protest.
151	* In a bit of Fridge humor, Abigail lists the Holy Christian Sisters of St. Clare among the ladies she rallied to make saltpeter for the Continental Army. She even got ''nuns'' to help.
152	* After approving the resolution on independence, the delegates make increasingly black jokes about the gallows that await them if the revolution fails....while Judge Wilson, who did not bargain for this, looks increasingly seasick.
153	* That bit of merriment concludes with Hancock insisting the other delegates grab a pen, because "if we are arrested now, [[SuddenlyShouting MY NAME IS STILL THE ONLY ONE ON THE DAMN THING!]]"
154	* Adams finally brings up one last quibble about the Declaration: arguing that the word is "unalienable", not "inalienable":
155	-->'''Jefferson''': I'm sorry, Mr. Adams, ''in''alienable is correct.\
156	'''Adams''': I happen to be a Harvard graduate, Mr. Jefferson. ''(Some laughs from Congress)''\
157	'''Jefferson''': Well, ''I'' attended William & Mary, Mr. Adams. ''(Some delegates cheer)''\
158	'''Hancock''': Gentlemen, please! Mr. Jefferson, will you yield to Mr. Adams' request?\
159	'''Jefferson''': ''(Relishing the moment)'' No, sir, I will not.\
160	''(Adams attempts to object, only to realize he can't win. A grin creeps across Jefferson's face)''\
161	'''Adams''': Oh, very well, I'll withdraw it!\
162	'''Franklin''': Oh, good for you, John!
163	** Adams mutters under his breath he'll talk to the printer later and ''change it then''. [[HistoricalInJoke (He did, too!)]]
164

Context Funny / SeventeenSeventySix