| 1 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 2 | [[folder: Season 1]] |
| 3 | [[AC: Life and Stuff]] |
| 4 | * Darlene’s history teacher wants to have a meeting with Roseanne but Darlene didn’t say anything until the morning of. |
| 5 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Why do you always wait until the last minute to tell me these things? I have a life too, ya know! |
| 6 | -->'''Darlene:''' Jeez, I’m sorry! What do you want me to do, throw myself off a bridge? |
| 7 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Yeah, and take your brother and sister with you! |
| 8 | * Once she gets to the meeting, Roseanne is unimpressed to learn that this whole thing is about Darlene barking. Roseanne says that since Darlene stopped when asked there actually is no problem but Ms. Crane disagrees. |
| 9 | -->'''Ms. Crane:''' Your daughter barks.\ |
| 10 | '''Roseanne:''' ''Our whole family'' barks. |
| 11 | * While Roseanne is discussing the meeting with Darlene, Becky comes in and starts complaining about her new backpack and this kicks off the first of many fights between the two. |
| 12 | -->'''Becky:''' Mom, this bag’s blue.\ |
| 13 | '''Darlene:''' Hey, I’m talking to mom.\ |
| 14 | '''Becky:''' Well, so am I.\ |
| 15 | '''Darlene:''' Shut up.\ |
| 16 | '''Becky:''' Don’t tell me to shut up. You are so immature.\ |
| 17 | '''Roseanne:''' Stop it, you two. Knock it off. You’re going to use that bag until you’re 30.\ |
| 18 | '''Becky:''' Oh, great. I’m just going to look like a freak, that’s all.\ |
| 19 | '''Darlene:''' What else is new?\ |
| 20 | '''Becky:''' Shut up.\ |
| 21 | '''Roseanne:''' This is why some animals eat their young. |
| 22 | * Dan and Roseanne fight about the division of household duties between them and Dan starts cooking dinner to prove that he pulls his weight around the house. |
| 23 | -->'''Dan:''' You want me to fix dinner? I’ll fix dinner. I’m fixing dinner!\ |
| 24 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, but, honey, you just fixed dinner three years ago! |
| 25 | * One of the chores that Roseanne keeps bringing up to Dan is fixing the sink. She eventually finds him out in the garage, working on his boat and he starts describing how they’ll spend their retirement sailing the seas, just the two of them. |
| 26 | -->'''Roseanne:''' You’re turning me on.\ |
| 27 | '''Dan:''' I am?\ |
| 28 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah, let’s do it.\ |
| 29 | '''Dan:''' What about the sink?\ |
| 30 | '''Roseanne:''' Anywhere you want. |
| 31 | [[AC: We’re In The Money]] |
| 32 | * Roseanne and Becky start celebrating when Dan brings home a $500 advance for his latest job. |
| 33 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Oh, you deserve a kiss! [[BaitAndSwitch Becky, kiss your dad.]] |
| 34 | * Roseanne and Dan get on Darlene’s case about her lying. The phone rings and Darlene picks up. |
| 35 | -->'''Darlene:''' Mom, it’s Mrs. Mackelroy.\ |
| 36 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, God. Tell her I ain’t home.\ |
| 37 | '''Darlene:''' Oh, you want me to ''lie''?\ |
| 38 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Unfazed'') Yeah!\ |
| 39 | '''Darlene:''' (''On the phone'') Mrs. Mackelroy, my mom says to tell you she’s not home.\ |
| 40 | ''Darlene hangs up and runs off''.\ |
| 41 | '''Roseanne:''' I oughta bust your neck. |
| 42 | * Roseanne and Dan have a bit of extra money but disagree how to spend it. Roseanne wants perfume while Dan wants a brass captain’s bell. Dan secretly buys the bell and a saleswoman sweet talks Roseanne into buying the perfume and she tries to hide it from Dan. Dan quickly realizes that Roseanne got her perfume and assures her that, if it would truly make her feel better, he will go and buy the bell. Roseanne immediately sees through him but Dan denies it up and down. Cue DJ walking through the kitchen ringing the bell. |
| 43 | [[AC: D-I-V-O-R-C-E]] |
| 44 | * Roseanne keeps asking Dan to take her dancing on their date to no avail. |
| 45 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Just one slow dance? |
| 46 | -->'''Dan:''' Rosie, you know I’d like to go dancing with my special girl every night of the week. |
| 47 | -->'''Roseanne:''' ‘Special girl’? Who is she? Oh, I know, it’s that bimbo at the supermarket with fluorescent nails. |
| 48 | -->'''Dan:''' Roseanne, I promise: you’re the only bimbo in my life. |
| 49 | * Becky insists that she’s old enough to babysit Darlene and DJ. |
| 50 | -->'''Becky:''' Mom, Cindy Clark’s mom let her start babysitting when she was nine.\ |
| 51 | '''Roseanne:''' Well, Cindy Clark’s mom is a drunken slut. |
| 52 | ** After Roseanne relents and leaves Becky in charge, Becky says that Cindy Clark gets paid two dollars an hour to babysit. |
| 53 | --->'''Roseanne:''' Well, Cindy Clark’s mom is a rich drunken slut. |
| 54 | * While Dan and Roseanne are on their date, Darlene picks up the phone and is reminded by Becky to not mention they’re alone. So when the caller asks to speak to one of her parents, Darlene says that they’re both in the shower at the moment and will be about another two hours. |
| 55 | [[AC: Language Lessons]] |
| 56 | * Dan starts complaining about Jackie coming over yet again. |
| 57 | -->'''Roseanne:''' You knew when you married me that I had a sister. |
| 58 | -->'''Dan:''' Yeah, but I didn’t think she’d be here every weekend. |
| 59 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Hell, I didn’t think ''I’d'' be here every weekend. |
| 60 | [[AC: Radio Days]] |
| 61 | * Becky and Darlene are at each other’s throats over sharing a room. Roseanne tells them to put tape down the middle of the room but the girls protest, saying that that never works. They eventually agree to humour Roseanne but then start arguing immediately. |
| 62 | -->'''Becky:''' Fine, I’ll get the tape. |
| 63 | -->'''Darlene:''' No, I’ll get the tape. |
| 64 | -->'''Becky:''' I’m getting the tape! |
| 65 | -->'''Darlene:''' I’ll get the tape! |
| 66 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I’m getting my tubes tied. |
| 67 | [[AC: Lovers Lane]] |
| 68 | * When the family goes to the bowling alley where Becky’s crush works, Becky begs her parents not to embarrass her. |
| 69 | -->'''Dan:''' Well, we’re gonna be at the bowling alley and Chip’s gonna be at the bowling alley, (''crossing his eyes and putting on a hillbilly accent'') we’re bound ta run inta one another. |
| 70 | -->'''Becky:''' Please don’t embarrass me, please! |
| 71 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''Rolling her eyes and picking her nose'') Oh, honey, there’s no way we’d embarrass you! |
| 72 | * Later at the bowling alley Becky reminds Dan and Roseanne that they’re not supposed to know her, then asks for her allowance for the night. |
| 73 | -->'''Roseanne:''' We don’t give money to strangers. |
| 74 | * Dan and Roseanne speculate about what Chip is like. |
| 75 | -->'''Dan:''' Come on Rosie; you know girls always go for guys that remind them of their fathers. |
| 76 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Not if they listen to their mothers. |
| 77 | * Roseanne has spent all night being apathetic at best about bowling. Dan promises her that if she can knock down a single pin he’ll be her “love slave for life”. |
| 78 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Yeah, but what do I win? |
| 79 | * Roseanne wants to get more information about Chip from Darlene, who promised Becky that she wouldn't tell. So Roseanne decides to [[InvokedTrope invoke]] the AmazinglyEmbarrassingParents trope with the threat for the ages: |
| 80 | -->'''Roseanne''': Well, you'd better tell me, Darlene, or...I'm gonna have start ''dancing.'' |
| 81 | -->'''Darlene''': Mom, NO. |
| 82 | -->'''Roseanne''': Ooh, right here in front of ALL your friends. |
| 83 | -->''(Starts dancing)'' |
| 84 | -->'''Roseanne''': Hear that music! |
| 85 | -->'''Darlene''': Mom, please! |
| 86 | -->'''Roseanne''': ''(Dancing even faster)'' Ooooh, I can't stop myself! I! Must! DANCE! |
| 87 | [[AC: The Memory Game]] |
| 88 | * All of the female workers at Wellman’s complain that they’re out of paper towel in the washroom and so Roseanne goes into the men’s room to stop the griping. An unfazed man cheerfully greets her. |
| 89 | -->'''Booker:''' What’d I tell you about going in there? |
| 90 | -->'''Pete:''' She likes it in there. She wants to be a man. |
| 91 | -->'''Roseanne:''' That makes two of us, huh, Pete? |
| 92 | * Jackie walks in to see the Conners all dressed up for their family photo. |
| 93 | -->'''Jackie:''' Am I in the wrong house?\ |
| 94 | '''Dan:''' You bet. You want the one down the street. |
| 95 | [[AC: Here’s To Good Friends]] |
| 96 | * Roseanne and Jackie are talking Crystal through yet another break up and tell her that she needs to stop being such a door mat. Roseanne demonstrates how to tell a guy off in her very Roseanne way and tells Crystal it’s just that easy. Crystal is a bit too eager to try it out though. |
| 97 | -->'''Man:''' Excuse me, is this chair taken? |
| 98 | -->'''Crystal:''' Yes, that chair’s taken. Quit bothering us! Go on a hike! |
| 99 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Oh, she forgot to take her medication. Go ahead and take the chair. |
| 100 | * Jackie and Booker were supposed to have a date but he ended up having to cancel after his mom unexpectedly came into town. Just as Jackie is talking Booker up at the Lobo Lounge, Booker walks in with a young, attractive date. |
| 101 | -->'''Crystal:''' Who’s he with? |
| 102 | -->'''Jackie:''' (''Unimpressed'') [[BlatantLies His mother.]] |
| 103 | * After catching Booker, Jackie borrows Roseanne’s wedding ring and interrupts Booker’s date, pretending to be his wife and mother of his kids. [[ScrewThisImOutOfHere Booker’s date promptly leaves.]] |
| 104 | * In an attempt to get out of going to school, Darlene says she has a fever and asks Roseanne to feel her forehead. |
| 105 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Oh, honey, it feels like… you need some knowledge. Go to school. |
| 106 | [[AC: Saturday]] |
| 107 | * Dan is working on his truck with his friend Dwight who keeps making chauvinist remarks. Dan knows better than to go along with it though. |
| 108 | -->'''Dwight:''' If my woman ever talked to me that way, do you know what I’d say to her? |
| 109 | -->'''Dan:''' Yeah, "get back in the house, mom." |
| 110 | * Dwight wants to ask Jackie out. Jackie isn’t totally into him but says there are certainly worse options. Roseanne isn’t convinced. |
| 111 | -->'''Jackie:''' He’s kind of cute. |
| 112 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Cute? I bet his parents are brother and sister. |
| 113 | * Dwight’s attempt at flirting is to use clumsy car metaphors for sex, with one of his come-ons being that he would love “to pop [Jackie’s] hood”. Jackie quickly turns him down after realizing that Dwight is only interested in a physical relationship. Later, Dan and Roseanne are reminiscing about the drive-in and pretend that they’re watching [[Film/DoctorZhivago Doctor Zhivago]]. |
| 114 | -->'''Roseanne:''' See the snow falling and the train pulling into the station? |
| 115 | -->'''Dan:''' Yeah, she’s there waiting for him. |
| 116 | -->'''Roseanne:''' And he steps down off the train. Their eyes meet. He walks over, he reaches out and takes her hand. And says [[BrickJoke "how would you like me to pop your hood?"]] |
| 117 | [[AC: Canoga Time]] |
| 118 | * The Conners have been sorting through stuff to give to a rummage sale but Dan is hesitant to get rid of anything he owns. He particularly wants to hang on to an ugly cuckoo clock that has a bear pop out and belch on the hour. Roseanne detests it and begs him to get rid of it. Even better, Dan himself later admits to thinking the clock is ugly and just keeps it around to annoy Roseanne. |
| 119 | -->'''Dan:''' You said I can keep one thing. |
| 120 | -->'''Roseanne:''' And I'm it. |
| 121 | -->'''Dan:''' I want the bear. |
| 122 | * Dan also wants to hang on to a broken electric tooth brush. He pretends to get rid of it in front of Roseanne but quickly stuffs it in his pocket when she looks away. |
| 123 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Well, I like a guy that knows his place. (''hugs Dan'') Hey, is that a toothbrush in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? |
| 124 | * Jackie and Booker have tickets to see an Elvis impersonator but end up having to make new plans after Booker delays their date by a few hours. |
| 125 | -->'''Booker:''' We're a little too late to see Elvis. |
| 126 | -->'''Roseanne:''' That's putting it mildly. |
| 127 | [[AC: The Monday Thru Friday Show]] |
| 128 | * Roseanne and Dan each try to come up with an idea for their honeymoon. |
| 129 | -->'''Dan:''' What’s this I have in my pocket? (''Pulling out a brochure'') It could be - it might be - holy cow! It’s a honeymoon! Why yes, it’s paradise. |
| 130 | -->'''Jackie:''' Oh, another guy who thinks he’s got paradise in his jeans. |
| 131 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''Chuckling'') Yeah, paradise lost! |
| 132 | * While on their honeymoon in their house, Roseanne turns on the tap to sound like a waterfall. She then sprays a bit on Dan, claiming that it’s mist. In retaliation, Dan starts shaking their bottle of champagne and sprays it over both of them, joking that their honeymoon is now taking place at Niagara Falls. |
| 133 | [[AC: Bridge Over Troubled Sonny]] |
| 134 | * Crystal arrives to work upset after carpooling with Jackie because Jackie drove them over the Monument Street bridge. [[CrossesTheLineTwice It turns out that Crystal’s first husband was pouring cement for the bridge when he lost his balance and fell - not off of - but into the bridge and his body is still encased twelve years later.]] |
| 135 | [[AC: Father’s Day]] |
| 136 | * Dan’s father, Ed, has brought gifts for everyone. Darlene got a pair of trick handcuffs. |
| 137 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Darlene, I got a feeling you’re gonna have an even nicer pair of those one day. |
| 138 | * Ed is telling a story that he almost invented the rear-windshield wiper but he tries to get the family to guess the invention. |
| 139 | -->'''Ed:''' Try to think about the back of the car. |
| 140 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Ed, the only thing that I can think of that you [[AutoErotica do in the rear of a car,]] I know you didn’t invent it. |
| 141 | * Dan starts joking around about [[MotorMouth Ed’s many stories and way of speaking.]] |
| 142 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Would you stop hogging all of these blankets? |
| 143 | -->'''Dan:''' Blankets? Let me tell you a little something about blankets. I came this close to inventing the blanket in 1969. It was right after Woodstock. And a guy named Navajo Joe come up to me and he says "I already invented the blanket", so he took it away from me. |
| 144 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''Laughing'') |
| 145 | -->'''Dan:''' 1969, that was a great year, wasn't it? Woodstock. Who was on the mound that year? Fergie Jenkins. Boy, what a set of chompers he had. You talk about teeth. But he went plumb midget on me. And he went and sunk all his money into what you call a hair dryer stock. He tried to invent a five-speed, four-door mix hair dryer, and he lost all his dough. Then he couldn't do nothing about it. So I ups to him and I says "Fergie, what the heck do you know about hair dryers anyway?" He goes "well, it gets windy in Chicago." I said, "Chicago? Yeah, I was almost in the band Chicago. I used to mix their sound tracks for 'em, but I couldn't quite get it, see." |
| 146 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Ahh… Good night, Ed. |
| 147 | -->'''Dan:''' Night. Night. What the hell do you know about night? I was almost on the edge of night one time except I got my foot cut off in Vietnam, and I couldn't quite make it to the audition. And the cab driver didn't speak English, so he didn't know - |
| 148 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Shut up! |
| 149 | -->''Beat'' |
| 150 | -->'''Dan:''' I was shut up in a cave one time. The meramac caverns just south of St. Louis. It was me and three other guys. |
| 151 | [[AC: Nightmare on Oak Street]] |
| 152 | * Darlene wakes Roseanne in the middle of the night saying that she doesn’t feel well and refuses to let Roseanne leave her side. Roseanne tucks Darlene into bed and tells her the story of how Roseanne and Dan met in an effort to get her to fall asleep. Just as Darlene has finally nodded off and Roseanne thinks she can leave, Becky pipes up out of nowhere to ask what happened next. Roseanne angrily tells her to go back to sleep. |
| 153 | * Roseanne informs Jackie that Darlene got her first period. Darlene comes down to the kitchen and greets Jackie, who puts a sympathetic arm around her. |
| 154 | -->'''Jackie:''' (''Overly nice'') Hi, honey. How ya feeling? |
| 155 | -->''Beat'' |
| 156 | -->'''Darlene:''' (''Storming off'') God, mom! Do you have to tell the whole world?! |
| 157 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Jackie, does the phrase ‘timing is everything’ ring a bell here? |
| 158 | * After Roseanne tells Dan she spent all night helping Darlene cope with a nightmare, he sympathizes and says that once he had a nightmare for an entire month. Said nightmare was Dan taking a drink out of a cup with an airplane decal that would fly up his nose once the cup made contact. Roseanne is less than impressed. |
| 159 | -->'''Dan:''' Well, I know it doesn’t sound like much now, but you didn’t see the size of the propellers! |
| 160 | * Roseanne and Jackie start reminiscing about how little help their mother was when they got their periods for the first time, telling them that they could direct any questions to the school nurse and bringing home pamphlets from the Red Cross. |
| 161 | -->'''Roseanne:''' For two weeks I thought what I had was a national disaster. |
| 162 | * Just as Dan is trying to have a talk with Darlene, DJ comes into the garage wearing clips in his hair. |
| 163 | -->'''DJ:''' Dad, how do I look? |
| 164 | -->'''Dan:''' Beautiful. |
| 165 | -->'''DJ:''' Guys aren’t supposed to look beautiful! |
| 166 | -->'''Dan:''' Damn beautiful. |
| 167 | -->'''DJ:''' That’s better! |
| 168 | [[AC: Becky’s Choice]] |
| 169 | * While Becky’s boyfriend, Chip, and his parents are over for dinner, she sneaks out of the house to meet another boy, Johnny. Johnny invites Becky to a party the next night but wonders if her parents would be okay with it. Becky confidently states that her parents don’t tell her what to do, unaware that Roseanne walked up just in time to hear this statement. |
| 170 | -->'''Becky:''' My parents are very cool. They don’t tell me what to do. |
| 171 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''Not having it'') Becky, get your butt in the house now!! |
| 172 | * Roseanne starts laying into Becky about Becky sneaking out. |
| 173 | -->'''Becky:''' It’s none of your business! |
| 174 | -->'''Roseanne:''' It ''is'' my business when you start sneaking out of this house to meet some guy that I would consider leaving your father for! |
| 175 | * Roseanne and Dan have zero in common with Chip’s parents and spend the entire night waiting for them to leave. The next morning Dan opens the front door to get the morning paper and is met with an unwelcome surprise. |
| 176 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Quickly closes the door and turns to Roseanne'') Something is about to occur that is going to make you wish you would’ve woken up as a different person, in a different house, in a different country, on a different planet. (''Opens the door to reveal Chip’s parents''). |
| 177 | [[AC: The Slice Of Life]] |
| 178 | * While waiting for Darlene in surgery, Dan and Jackie cross paths with a man trying to get information about his wife but he only speaks very broken english. |
| 179 | -->'''Man:''' (''To Jackie'') How are you, my wife? Is okay? |
| 180 | -->'''Dan:''' [[OldMaid You better take him up on it, Jackie. That’s liable to be your last proposal.]] |
| 181 | [[AC: Workin’ Overtime]] |
| 182 | * While at work, Jackie made a mistake that caused everyone to have to stay late yet again. |
| 183 | -->'''Jackie:''' I guess you’re gonna point the finger at me.\ |
| 184 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah, and you know which one. |
| 185 | [[AC: Toto, We’re Not in Kansas Anymore]] |
| 186 | * Jackie is running to the grocery store for Roseanne so Dan gives her money. |
| 187 | -->'''Jackie:''' Fork over the bread, Fred.\ |
| 188 | '''Dan:''' Don’t hurry back, Jack.\ |
| 189 | '''Jackie:''' Thanks for the cash, Stupid. |
| 190 | * Already on edge because of the tornado, Roseanne is less than impressed about Darlene scaring her. |
| 191 | -->'''Roseanne:''' That is not funny! You’re grounded until menopause!\ |
| 192 | '''Darlene:''' Yours or mine?\ |
| 193 | '''Roseanne:''' Your father’s! |
| 194 | [[AC: Death and Stuff]] |
| 195 | * Jackie has stopped by for her weekly visit and Dan immediately gets on her case but she gives it right back. |
| 196 | -->'''Dan:''' Hey, Jackie I saved ''Cathy'' for you. There’s some great tips in there about how to land a man.\ |
| 197 | '''Jackie:''' Okay, Dan. Well, I wish you the best of luck. |
| 198 | * Roseanne lets a door-to-door salesman into the house and comes back to find him slumped over the kitchen table. |
| 199 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Honey, he passed out.\ |
| 200 | '''Dan:''' From what?\ |
| 201 | '''Roseanne:''' I don’t know. Go check his pulse.\ |
| 202 | '''Dan:''' You check his pulse.\ |
| 203 | ''She does''\ |
| 204 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, my god!\ |
| 205 | '''Dan:''' What’s wrong?\ |
| 206 | '''Roseanne:''' I think - I think he’s dead is what’s wrong.\ |
| 207 | '''Dan:''' (''Freaked out'') Check it again.\ |
| 208 | '''Roseanne:''' I know how to count to zero! |
| 209 | * Dan was planning to spend the day fixing the fridge and is now forced to do so beside the dead body. Dan is uneasy about it but tries to power through. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work very well as the corpse’s arm makes contact with Dan’s, ends up touching Dan’s rear, and is eventually knocked out of its chair. Roseanne walks in to find an annoyed Dan struggling to move the corpse back into its seat. |
| 210 | * On top of all of the other chaos, the Conners are trying to sell their washer and dryer. A couple come by to look at them and Dan and Roseanne try not to draw attention to the fact that there’s currently a dead body under a sheet sitting at their table. Darlene has other ideas though. |
| 211 | -->'''Dan:''' Hi, I’m Dan Conner. This is my wife, Roseanne, and my daughter, Darlene.\ |
| 212 | '''Darlene:''' (''Pointing at body'') Dad, aren’t you going to introduce them to Uncle Edward?\ |
| 213 | '''Dan:''' Darlene, why don’t you go out and play, sweetheart?\ |
| 214 | '''Darlene:''' Well, the neighborhood’s kind of… ''dead'' today. |
| 215 | * The salesman’s watch alarm goes off and Dan and Roseanne make up a story about “Uncle Edward” needing to take medication for muscle spasms in his neck. The woman who has come to buy the washer and dryer happens to be a massage therapist and takes it upon herself to give the body a massage. When the couple come by again to take the washer and dryer away, they’re disturbed to see the body being wheeled away by a coroner. |
| 216 | -->'''Roseanne:''' [[BrickJoke I tried that massage technique you told me about.]] |
| 217 | [[AC:Dear Mom and Dad]] |
| 218 | * The Conners are having a family poker night. |
| 219 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I got a pair.\ |
| 220 | '''Jackie:''' So do I.\ |
| 221 | '''Dan:''' Yeah, but Roseanne’s are showing.\ |
| 222 | '''Darlene:''' You guys think we don’t get your corny little sex jokes.\ |
| 223 | '''Roseanne:''' Hey, you kids ''are'' our corny little sex jokes. |
| 224 | * While trying to figure out sleeping accommodations for Roseanne’s parents, her father chimes in with completely unhelpful information. |
| 225 | -->'''Al:''' I’m very particular about where I sleep.\ |
| 226 | '''Dan:''' (''Already annoyed'') What does that mean?\ |
| 227 | '''Al:''' I’ll tell you something about me: I’ll never sleep in a communist country. I’ll visit one during the day but I’ll never sleep in one at night. |
| 228 | * Dan isn’t in the mood for Bev’s advice. |
| 229 | -->'''Bev:''' Dan shouldn’t sleep on his left side. It’s bad for the heart.\ |
| 230 | '''Dan:''' (''Mumbling'') So’s a rusty spike. |
| 231 | * Jackie and Dan get into it again and Dan perfectly sums up the average person’s attitude towards their in-laws. |
| 232 | -->'''Jackie:''' I’ve been a member of this family longer than you have!\ |
| 233 | '''Dan:''' (''Laughing'') [[SarcasmMode Boy, that’s something to be proud of!]] |
| 234 | * The tag for the episode has Bruce Willis surprising an ecstatic Barr by showing up on set and climbing into the bed with her. |
| 235 | [[/folder]] |
| 236 | [[folder: Season 2]] |
| 237 | [[AC:Inherit the Wind]] |
| 238 | * Becky walks into the kitchen all dressed up to give a speech to the student council. |
| 239 | -->'''Dan:''' Hold it. Could this woman be my little Becky?\ |
| 240 | '''Darlene:''' Not all of her. If I were you I'd check upstairs [[ACupAngst for some missing Kleenex.]] |
| 241 | * [[https://youtu.be/iWgD_OljGlY Four little words]]: |
| 242 | -->'''Darlene:''' [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Becky. Cut. The cheese.]] |
| 243 | * Darlene spends a good majority of the episode absolutely reveling in Becky's humiliation ("I've been waiting for something like this since I was ''two''!"), and couldn't wait to tell Roseanne and Dan all about it when she and Becky got home from school. |
| 244 | -->'''Darlene:''' People are already calling her "Conner the Bomber"!\ |
| 245 | '''Dan:''' Darlene, give it a rest.\ |
| 246 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, poor Becky.\ |
| 247 | '''Darlene:''' She should be proud! Becky Conner, the only woman to break the sound barrier without a plane! |
| 248 | * After Roseanne makes sure Darlene doesn't go to Becky's room to torment her more, we see that ''Dan'' is trying his damnedest not to laugh at Becky's expense. You can't tell if it's in character or if Creator/JohnGoodman is legitimately {{Corpsing}}. |
| 249 | [[AC:The Little Sister]] |
| 250 | * Darlene rats that she caught Becky looking at one of Dan’s porn magazines. |
| 251 | -->'''Darlene:''' You want to be like those girls, don’t you?\ |
| 252 | '''Becky:''' Shut up!\ |
| 253 | '''Darlene:''' You know you do. Why don’t you show mom and dad your sexy walk?\ |
| 254 | '''Becky:''' I hate you, Darlene.\ |
| 255 | ''Becky slaps Darlene’s arm and walks away''\ |
| 256 | '''Darlene:''' Ow, you sexy thang! |
| 257 | * Darlene ends up at Jackie’s after the latter is already quite drunk. |
| 258 | -->'''Jackie:''' You want something to drink?\ |
| 259 | '''Darlene:''' No, thanks.\ |
| 260 | '''Jackie:''' Well, I’m gonna get a little something. Whoa!\ |
| 261 | ''Darlene catches her as she almost falls off her chair''\ |
| 262 | '''Jackie:''' There’s all kinds of gravity in here! |
| 263 | * There’s a scramble as everybody tries to get more bacon. DJ thwarts Dan’s attempt to steal his bacon by putting his share in his orange juice. |
| 264 | * Roseanne and Jackie get into it while Roseanne is cleaning up breakfast and picking from the plates. |
| 265 | -->'''Roseanne:''' And you go right for your addictive behaviour. 'Cause you cannot handle conflict. That's the whole thing. You cannot handle conflict. Remember, we saw that whole thing on Oprah; people who cannot handle conflict, so right away they run for the alcohol.\ |
| 266 | '''Jackie:''' [[TakeThat Well, have another shot of pancake, Roseanne.]] You know, people who live in glass houses shouldn't ''eat'' stones. |
| 267 | * Roseanne and Jackie end up in a physical altercation with Dan narrating the whole thing like a wrestling announcer. |
| 268 | [[AC:Guilt By Disassociation]] |
| 269 | * Roseanne is prepping for her job interview when she starts lamenting that she won’t get it. |
| 270 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I’m gonna be selling magazines ‘til they put me in my grave. I’m gonna be cremated with back issues of Field and Stream.\ |
| 271 | '''Jackie:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint You want to get cremated too?]]\ |
| 272 | '''Roseanne:''' I don’t know! Do we have to talk about this now? |
| 273 | * Dan throws together a last minute party to celebrate Roseanne getting the job after being out of work for a while. As Roseanne is walking to the front door, everyone scrambles to find a place to hide so that they can jump out and yell ‘surprise’. Crystal ends up without a hiding spot and yells out before Roseanne even opens the door. Roseanne (in a bad mood because she ultimately lost the job just minutes after getting it) walks in to see Crystal standing behind a chair with her arms thrown in the air. An unimpressed Roseanne mimics Crystal’s pose and says hi. |
| 274 | * Jackie calls Crystal with the good news of Roseanne getting the job. |
| 275 | -->'''Jackie:''' Hi, Crystal, are you sitting down?\ |
| 276 | ''Beat''\ |
| 277 | '''Jackie:''' No, don’t go get a chair, Crystal! |
| 278 | * Roseanne has just been arguing with Dan and ranting about how much she regrets quitting her job because she let her family down, threw away her pension, etc. Once she’s calmed down, Dan makes the kind of joke that only works when emotions have finally settled and the person has come back down to Earth enough to see the humour. |
| 279 | -->'''Dan:''' Hey.\ |
| 280 | '''Roseanne:''' What?\ |
| 281 | '''Dan:''' (''Smirking'') Get a job. |
| 282 | [[AC:House of Grown-Ups]] |
| 283 | * Becky is advising Darlene as to how kissing works. |
| 284 | -->'''Becky:''' Then you open your mouth a bit.\ |
| 285 | '''Darlene:''' (''Scandalized'') You open your mouth?! For what?!\ |
| 286 | ''Roseanne walks in and answers without missing a beat.''\ |
| 287 | '''Roseanne:''' So you can slip him the tongue. |
| 288 | * While voicing her concerns about how quickly everyone is growing up, one of the things Roseanne mentions is that [[HilariousInHindsight Becky was gonna be married at this rate.]] As it turns out, the 14 year old Becky was only three years away from marriage at this point. |
| 289 | [[AC: BOO!]] |
| 290 | * Getting an early start on the Halloween fun, Roseanne and Jackie start telling Becky and Darlene a story about a supposed old neighbour, Mrs. Osmond. |
| 291 | -->'''Jackie:''' She was this madwoman over on Elmridge who looked like a vampire. She had this long, black, haggy hair, and some caped thing, and she used to jump out from her front porch and scare us half to death.\ |
| 292 | '''Roseanne:''' Too bad she never did it on Halloween. |
| 293 | ** Becky tries to confirm the story with Dan. |
| 294 | --->'''Becky:''' Dad, do you remember some psycho named Mrs. Osmond?\ |
| 295 | '''Dan:''' Yeah, didn’t she have a couple of hits during the seventies? |
| 296 | * Roseanne is trying to come up with ideas on how to scare Dan. Jackie suggests Roseanne saying that she’s pregnant but even Roseanne [[EvenEvilHasStandards thinks that’s going too far.]] |
| 297 | [[AC: We Gather Together]] |
| 298 | * Bev checks on the turkey in the oven and starts her criticizing in record time. |
| 299 | -->'''Bev:''' What did you buy? It looks small for 30.\ |
| 300 | '''Jackie:''' Maybe you should climb in there and weigh it. |
| 301 | * Bev tells Jackie that a woman named Kim Greene has three kids. Jackie immediately takes this as a jab about her love life but Al is there to take the heat off Jackie. |
| 302 | -->'''Jackie:''' What’s the point of telling me that Kim Greene has three kids? What’s it mean?\ |
| 303 | '''Al:''' It means she’s had sex at least three times since she’s been married. Twice if she had twins or once if she had triplets.\ |
| 304 | '''Bev:''' Al, you’re being filthy!\ |
| 305 | '''Al:''' Or it’s possible she’s never had sex and your mother’s making this whole thing up. |
| 306 | [[AC: Brain-Dead Poets Society]] |
| 307 | * Darlene is complaining about her weekend homework. |
| 308 | -->'''Darlene:''' The only homework I’m going to have to do this weekend is write a stupid poem for English.\ |
| 309 | '''Roseanne:''' Well, you can write a poem.\ |
| 310 | '''Dan:''' [[SarcasmMode Yeah, but it has to be stupid.]] |
| 311 | * At the school’s Culture Night, Jackie starts making fun of a mother crying over her son’s poem reading, saying how embarrassing it must be for the son. Jackie comments that Bev once embarrassed her like that at drill team tryouts by crying and pulling used tissues out of her bag. At this, Roseanne subtlety places the tissues she had just removed from her bag back into her bag. |
| 312 | [[AC: No Talking]] |
| 313 | * Dan mistakenly let a grounded Becky leave the house. |
| 314 | -->'''Roseanne:''' You let her go? She’s grounded, Dan.\ |
| 315 | '''Dan:''' She is?\ |
| 316 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah.\ |
| 317 | '''Dan:''' (''Silly Voice'') Well, I guess I’ve been naughty.\ |
| 318 | ''He jokingly positions himself for a spanking.'' |
| 319 | * Jackie tells Roseanne that she used to read her diary. A ticked off Roseanne claims that she used to read Jackie’s too but Jackie doesn’t buy it. |
| 320 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Mom read it too. She used to come in there and read it right out load and ask “is this true? Is this true?”\ |
| 321 | '''Jackie:''' (''Worried'') My scarlet diary?\ |
| 322 | '''Roseanne:''' Uh-huh.\ |
| 323 | '''Jackie:''' I never had a scarlet diary! Ha! |
| 324 | * Becky starts bragging to Darlene about how well the silent treatment worked and that she has Roseanne exactly where she wants her. She then opens her closet door to find a smiling Roseanne and [[OhCrap Becky immediately knows the jig is up.]] |
| 325 | [[AC: One For The Road]] |
| 326 | * When her parents are away, Becky gets into the liquor cabinet while her friend is over studying with her. The friend’s mother shows up on the Conners’ door step the next day demanding answers. As is typical, Darlene can’t help but stir the pot. |
| 327 | -->'''Friend’s Mother''': Who was the bartender?\ |
| 328 | '''Darlene:''' (''Slightly Smirking'') Wasn’t it that girl who was over here studying with you?\ |
| 329 | ''Darlene immediately goes stone faced after a [[DeathGlare death glare]] from the mother.'' |
| 330 | [[AC: Born To Be Wild]] |
| 331 | * Ziggy, an old high school friend of Dan and Roseanne’s, stops by to catch up with them. After meeting the kids, Ziggy mentions that Darlene is just like Roseanne. Darlene objects to this and Roseanne tries to put her at ease. |
| 332 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Honey, you are no more like me than I am like my mother.\ |
| 333 | '''Darlene:''' (''Horrified'') Oh, God! |
| 334 | * Jackie’s succinct summary of the dynamic between her and Ziggy. |
| 335 | -->'''Jackie:''' Well, some things you never lose. . . (''Glaring at Ziggy'') and some things you lose to the wrong person. |
| 336 | [[AC: I’m Hungry]] |
| 337 | * Roseanne decides to go on a diet but doesn’t quite have the motivation. |
| 338 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I’m gonna start now… by picking a day next week to go on a diet. (''Flipping through her calendar'') Next week’s bad. March is out. |
| 339 | * Roseanne tells Dan that they need to go on a diet together, with one of her main complaints being that her jeans don’t fit her anymore. Dan says not to worry, her jeans don’t fit him either. |
| 340 | * After some back and forth, Dan and Roseanne ask the kids for their opinions about whether they need to lose weight. Darlene chimes in with her usual tact and tells her parents to just accept the fact that “you’re both tanks.” |
| 341 | * Dan sneaks some ice cream while Roseanne is supposedly having a bath. She catches him and accidentally outs herself when she criticizes Dan for not even going one week without [[FreudianSlip potato chips]]. |
| 342 | * Roseanne and Dan have gone for a morning walk and Dan comes back to the house solo. |
| 343 | -->'''Jackie:''' Dan, how’s the walk?\ |
| 344 | '''Dan:''' (''Winded'') Great.\ |
| 345 | ''He grabs his car keys.''\ |
| 346 | '''Becky:''' Where are you going?\ |
| 347 | '''Dan:''' To pick up your mom. |
| 348 | [[AC: Fender Bender]] |
| 349 | * Roseanne gets rear-ended by her former boss, Meg Wellman. After being put on muscle relaxers, Roseanne comes home and is really loopy. She is particularly amused by a little porcelain dog and starts feeding it spaghetti. She also answers a non-ringing telephone and Jackie hangs it up for her saying that the people said they would call back. |
| 350 | -->'''Darlene:''' Mom, you didn’t fly through the windshield or anything, did you?\ |
| 351 | '''Roseanne:''' No, but I’d like to try that sometime. |
| 352 | * Jackie tells the kids that you should always wear your seatbelt. |
| 353 | -->'''Jackie:''' Cops have a saying, "you never pull a dead man out of a seat belt."\ |
| 354 | '''Darlene:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint What, do you just leave them there?]] |
| 355 | * Meg Wellman is prone to [[AccidentalMisnaming accidental misnaming]], such as calling Roseanne "Roxanne" and calling Jackie "Janet." Roseanne gets around this by introducing Dan as "Don". It initially works as Meg does refer to Dan by the correct name the first time but then immediately reverts back to "Don". |
| 356 | [[AC: April Fools Day]] |
| 357 | * Every time Jackie mentions the word "audit" dramatic background music plays, which Dan and Roseanne are able to hear but Jackie isn't. Every time the music plays the two look around to find out where it's coming from as if they're going crazy since Jackie doesn't hear anything, until a fearful Roseanne decides they need to get out of the house. |
| 358 | ** This becomes a BrickJoke at the end when the word "audit" is mentioned, and Roseanne and Dan both expect the music to play. When they walk out the front door... DUN DUN DUUUUN!!! |
| 359 | [[AC: Fathers and Daughters]] |
| 360 | * Jackie, seemingly unexpectedly (if Sara Gilbert and Michael Fishman {{corpsing}} in the background is any indication) ends up dropping her gun on her way out the door and this sets off what appears to be a bit of ad-libbed back and forth from the three adult cast members. |
| 361 | -->'''Dan:''' Waste of taxpayers money I’m telling ya. |
| 362 | * Roseanne calls Dan out for a double standard after he asked Darlene to help him with a drywall job without even considering Becky. |
| 363 | -->'''Dan:''' I didn’t reject anybody: Becky doesn’t like hammers and saws.\ |
| 364 | '''Roseanne:''' How do you know?\ |
| 365 | '''Dan:''' ‘Cause I tried to saw her in half once and she started screaming. |
| 366 | [[/folder]] |
| 367 | [[folder: Season 3]] |
| 368 | [[AC: The Test]] |
| 369 | * The summer between the airings of seasons two and three saw Barr give an infamous and very controversial performance of the national anthem at a baseball game. Roseanne’s first line of the episode pokes fun at this. |
| 370 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Boy, it’s a beautiful morning. It just makes me want to sing! |
| 371 | * Roseanne sees DJ in his scout uniform and thinks he has a meeting but he says he doesn’t. This would be the first moment of the ‘DJ being a little odd’ running gag. |
| 372 | -->'''Darlene:''' Then why are you in your uniform, stupid?\ |
| 373 | '''DJ:''' I slept in it, stupid! |
| 374 | * Roseanne, Jackie, and Crystal are in the bathroom discussing Roseanne needing to take a pregnancy test. They try to be discreet but Dan knocks on the door. |
| 375 | -->'''Dan:''' Roseanne, what the hell’s going on in there?\ |
| 376 | '''Roseanne:''' We’re worshipping Satan, honey. We’ll be right out. |
| 377 | * They let Dan in and when he spots the pregnancy test he instantly thinks it’s for Jackie instead of Roseanne. |
| 378 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Smugly'') So, what’d ya do Jackie? Get drunk and forget there’s like a zillion forms of birth control? Does Gary know?\ |
| 379 | '''Jackie:''' No, Dan, he doesn’t.\ |
| 380 | '''Dan:''' Gary is the father, right?\ |
| 381 | '''Jackie:''' (''Trying not to smirk'') If you say so, Dan. |
| 382 | * Darlene complains about the possible addition to the family, saying that three kids is enough. Roseanne promptly assures Darlene that they’ll miss her. |
| 383 | [[AC: Friends & Relatives]] |
| 384 | * Dan lends money to Arnie under the mistaken impression that Arnie is going to get an engagement ring for Nancy. Dan needs the money back for an emergency repair and goes to Arnie to ask for it. But it turns out that Arnie already used the money to get Nancy a boob job leading to an argument between Dan and Roseanne. Meanwhile, Roseanne has already had her hands full with a curious DJ spying on his older sisters getting changed. |
| 385 | -->'''Dan:''' (''After learning about the boob job'') What do you want me to do? Re-possess? |
| 386 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Yeah, and then we’ll give ‘em to Darlene so that DJ has something to look at! |
| 387 | * Roseanne learns about the boob job when Arnie brings over a picture of Nancy after she gets her implants. She then shows Dan when he gets home. |
| 388 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Oh, Danny.\ |
| 389 | '''Dan:''' Yes?\ |
| 390 | '''Roseanne:''' There’s a ''couple'' things we gotta talk about.\ |
| 391 | ''She hands him the picture.''\ |
| 392 | '''Dan:''' (''To Arnie'') … Please tell me you got her a camera.\ |
| 393 | '''Roseanne:''' No, but we did help with the developing. |
| 394 | * Roseanne asks Dan why he didn’t tell her Arnie was engaged. He says it was because Arnie didn’t want the news to mess up his dating action. |
| 395 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Yeah. So many magazines, so little time. |
| 396 | [[AC: Like A Virgin]] |
| 397 | * Dan asks Roseanne to give Becky the birth control speech. His biggest piece of advice is for Roseanne to tell Becky to never trust guys, saying that he had a friend who used to tell girls that they wouldn’t get pregnant if they jumped up and down afterwards. |
| 398 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Yeah, Phil D’Angelo.\ |
| 399 | ''Beat''\ |
| 400 | '''Dan:''' How’d you know about that?\ |
| 401 | '''Roseanne:''' [[ChangeTheUncomfortableSubject You know, I believe I will have that talk with Becky.]]\ |
| 402 | '''Dan:''' I told you about that right?\ |
| 403 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Walking away'') [[SureLetsGoWithThat Fine. Fine.]] |
| 404 | * Becky expresses concern that birth control kills the mood. Roseanne fires back that nothing kills the mood more than a screaming baby with a loaded diaper. |
| 405 | * Roseanne, Jackie, and Gary think they’re walking in on Becky with a boy in the dark living room. When Roseanne turns on the light, everyone is shocked to see that it’s actually Darlene and a boy. |
| 406 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Darlene?!\ |
| 407 | '''Darlene:''' (''Trying to save face'') Hi, mommy. |
| 408 | * Dan comes in after the reveal and is completely oblivious to what has just gone down. After the boy leaves and Darlene has gone to her room, Roseanne tells Dan that they had been making out and he laughs, not believing her for a second. That is until he storms back into the room after he hears Jackie mention that it looked like Darlene’s shirt had been off. |
| 409 | -->'''Dan:''' That’s great, that’s just great.\ |
| 410 | ''He grabs his coat and car keys''\ |
| 411 | '''Roseanne:''' Where are you going?\ |
| 412 | '''Dan:''' I just want to make sure Brian gets home alright.\ |
| 413 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah, some big guy in a truck might plow him over. |
| 414 | * Just as Dan and Roseanne are fretting about this new stage in Darlene’s life, Becky comes home from her date. |
| 415 | -->'''Roseanne:''' How’d it go?\ |
| 416 | '''Becky:''' Great. Well, I’m going to go up stairs and [[BrickJoke jump up and down now.]]\ |
| 417 | ''She starts laughing but stops when she sees her parents expressions.''\ |
| 418 | '''Becky:''' … Good night, Becky. |
| 419 | [[AC: Like A New Job]] |
| 420 | * Darlene answers the phone. |
| 421 | -->'''Darlene:''' Yeah. I'd love to. Friday night? I was hoping you'd call. You want to buy me dinner? Well, gee. What's in it for you? Oh, sure, I put out. Everybody knows that.\ |
| 422 | '''Roseanne:''' Darlene, what are you doing?\ |
| 423 | '''Darlene:''' Relax. He thinks it’s Becky. |
| 424 | [[AC: Becky, Beds, & Boys]] |
| 425 | * DJ is playing shadow with Darlene. |
| 426 | -->'''Darlene:''' ''(reading a magazine)'' Ahem.\ |
| 427 | '''DJ:''' ''(reading a magazine)'' Ahem.\ |
| 428 | '''Darlene:''' Stop it!\ |
| 429 | '''DJ:''' Stop it!\ |
| 430 | '''Darlene:''' I mean it!\ |
| 431 | '''DJ:''' I mean it!\ |
| 432 | '''Darlene:''' Cut it out, creep!\ |
| 433 | '''DJ:''' Cut it out, creep!\ |
| 434 | '''Darlene:''' Dad!\ |
| 435 | '''DJ:''' Dad!\ |
| 436 | '''Dan:''' ''(reading a newspaper)'' Huh?\ |
| 437 | '''Darlene:''' It's DJ!\ |
| 438 | '''DJ:''' It's DJ!\ |
| 439 | '''Darlene:''' I'm gonna kill him!\ |
| 440 | '''DJ:''' I'm gonna kill him!\ |
| 441 | '''Dan:''' Why, what's he doing?\ |
| 442 | ''[Roseanne comes home]''\ |
| 443 | '''Darlene:''' Mom!\ |
| 444 | '''DJ:''' Mom!\ |
| 445 | '''Roseanne:''' What?!\ |
| 446 | '''Dan:''' Darlene’s saying everything DJ's saying the second before he says it.\ |
| 447 | '''Roseanne:''' [[SarcasmMode That is so immature!]] Darlene, do you ever think about banging your head on the table real hard? Maybe he'll knock himself out.\ |
| 448 | '''Darlene:''' [[SarcasmMode Thank you very much.]]\ |
| 449 | '''DJ:''' Thank you very much.\ |
| 450 | '''Darlene:''' You're dead!\ |
| 451 | '''DJ:''' You're dead!\ |
| 452 | ''[Darlene chases DJ up the stairs.]'' |
| 453 | * Roseanne and Dan go shopping for a new mattress and end up dealing with a rude salesman. |
| 454 | -->'''Salesman:''' I see you’ve decided on a king size.\ |
| 455 | '''Dan:''' No, we’ll take that double over there.\ |
| 456 | '''Salesman:''' And for the lady?\ |
| 457 | ''Dan gives him a look.''\ |
| 458 | '''Salesman:''' I’ll just go ring that up.\ |
| 459 | '''Roseanne:''' Way to defend my honor there, Dan.\ |
| 460 | '''Dan:''' I believe it was a shot at me, dear.\ |
| 461 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh… ''(chuckles)'' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny good one.]] |
| 462 | [[AC: Trick Or Treat]] |
| 463 | * DJ wants to go as a witch for Halloween. Dan is dismayed that DJ would pick a feminine costume and asks Roseanne to try and get DJ to go as something else. Roseanne then asks DJ if he would prefer to be Madonna. |
| 464 | * Jackie and Roseanne end up stranded at the Lobo Lounge where Roseanne, dressed in her Halloween costume of a male trucker, starts going by 'Bob' and milking the fact that people think she’s actually a man for all it’s worth. This includes infiltrating a group of men bragging about sex stories, going into the men’s room, and pretending to be a couple with Jackie. |
| 465 | * Roseanne’s cover hits a snag almost immediately when Jackie says that Roseanne should be paying for their drinks. |
| 466 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Pay the man, doll.\ |
| 467 | '''Jackie:''' Well, why should I pay? You’re the man, you pay.\ |
| 468 | '''Roseanne:''' You know I left my purse in the car! |
| 469 | * When Roseanne first mentions going to the men’s room, Jackie begs her not to. Roseanne assures her that she’s just going in to update Jackie’s phone number. |
| 470 | * A woman at the Lobo tells Jackie that she can do much better than 'Bob'. Jackie quickly counters that she doesn’t see the woman here with anybody. |
| 471 | * Crystal comes into the Lobo looking to drown her sorrows after a bad date. Roseanne gives her a pep talk and an unwitting Crystal is very flattered. |
| 472 | -->'''Crystal:''' (''Flirtatiously'') What’s your name?\ |
| 473 | ''' Roseanne:''' Don’t you recognize me?\ |
| 474 | '''Crystal:''' Well, refresh my memory. Where might we have met?\ |
| 475 | '''Roseanne:''' At Roseanne’s house?\ |
| 476 | '''Crystal:''' (''Embarrassed'') Roseanne?\ |
| 477 | '''Roseanne:''' [[TitleDrop Trick or Treat.]]\ |
| 478 | '''Crystal:''' Well, of course I knew it was you. I was playing along.\ |
| 479 | '''Roseanne:''' You were ready to sleep with me.\ |
| 480 | '''Crystal:''' I was gonna make you buy me dinner first. |
| 481 | * Roseanne has been mouthing off to a guy all night and he finally reaches his breaking point with her. Just as he is about to get Roseanne outside for a fight, Dan comes to her rescue. |
| 482 | -->'''Dan:''' Leave him alone.\ |
| 483 | '''Guy:''' What’s it to you?\ |
| 484 | '''Dan:''' He’s my husband. Anybody that messes with him, messes with me. (''Campy'') Do you want to mess with me?\ |
| 485 | '''Guy:''' No way!\ |
| 486 | ''[[ScrewThisImOuttaHere The guy quickly scrams.]]'' |
| 487 | [[AC: PMS I Love You]] |
| 488 | * When Dan informs the rest of the family that today is the first day of Roseanne’s PMS, DJ ends up falling over in his chair in his desperation to get away. Even better, it’s hard to tell if this was planned or a genuine accident on Michael Fishman’s part. |
| 489 | -->'''Dan''': Forget my birthday, do I have to spell it out for you!? [[PunctuatedForEmphasis P!M!S!]]\ |
| 490 | '''D.J.''': [[OhCrap OH MY GOD!]] |
| 491 | * Jackie thinks that Dan is incorrect about Roseanne’s PMS since Roseanne seems to be "perfectly pleasant today". Dan states that that is exactly his point and asks Jackie when she has ever known Roseanne to be perfectly pleasant. |
| 492 | * With everyone being on edge around Roseanne, Jackie tries to make this a teachable moment. |
| 493 | -->'''Jackie:''' Kids, I want you to remember this. PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety, physical pain.\ |
| 494 | '''Dan:''' And it’s rough on your mother too. |
| 495 | * Everyone tries to remember how supportive Roseanne is when not dealing with PMS. |
| 496 | -->'''Becky:''' Like when I sprained my ankle, she was there.\ |
| 497 | '''Darlene:''' And when I got ditched at the dance.\ |
| 498 | '''Jackie:''' And when your parents split up, Dan.\ |
| 499 | '''Dan:''' She was there.\ |
| 500 | ''Beat''\ |
| 501 | '''Dan:''' Let’s face it, she’s bad luck. |
| 502 | * Roseanne's toast at Dan's birthday party. |
| 503 | --> '''Roseanne:''' So here's to you, Dan Conner, my husband, my soulmate, my friend, my rock...\ |
| 504 | '''Dan:''' ''[Voiceover]'' God, please, let this be over...\ |
| 505 | '''Roseanne:''' ...a great big rock that just sits on my couch and does nothing but watch TV!\ |
| 506 | '''Dan:''' ''[Voiceover]'' That's it - God's a woman.\ |
| 507 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, occasionally, y'know, it'll ask for a beer and then I have to go in there and get it because after all, it is just a ROCK, and a rock can't just tip itself over and roll over to the refrigerator, can it? So I have to get the beer for it... yep! A big, TV-watching, beer-drinking rock. But he's MY rock, and I must live with it.\ |
| 508 | ''[Downs her champagne in one gulp]'' |
| 509 | [[AC: Bird Is the Word]] |
| 510 | * Becky brings home her class picture which shows her flipping the bird. When Roseanne starts trying to find Becky, Becky tries to delay the inevitable by excitedly pointing out that Dan’s home from work. Dan is confused but plays along. |
| 511 | -->'''Becky:''' Look everybody: Daddy’s home! Oh, hi Daddy!\ |
| 512 | '''Dan:''' Hi, Princess! (''To DJ'') Bud! (''To Darlene'') Kitten! |
| 513 | * Jackie looks at the picture and excitedly points out a student giving the finger. Jackie and Dan amuse themselves by looking for other students and praising the creativity of the teens. Roseanne decides to find one and a hush falls over the adults as they all turn to look at Becky. |
| 514 | -->'''Becky:''' You thought it was funny when the other kids did it.\ |
| 515 | '''Roseanne:''' But the other kids aren’t my kids. Right, Dan?\ |
| 516 | '''Dan:''' Not to my knowledge dear. |
| 517 | * Roseanne gets a call that she has to go to Becky’s high school because of her stunt. |
| 518 | -->'''Dan:''' If you run into that assistant principal who told me that I would never amount to anything, tell him Dr. Conner says 'hi'. |
| 519 | * Roseanne comes back home and is short with Darlene. |
| 520 | -->'''Darlene:''' What? No hug and kiss for your good daughter?\ |
| 521 | '''Roseanne:''' As soon as I get one. |
| 522 | * Becky asks Dan if he was ever suspended and for what. Dan says that he was suspended for snoring too loud in detention. |
| 523 | * Roseanne leaves the principal's office at Becky's school and, after noticing the secretary is gone, she picks up the intercom microphone. |
| 524 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Attention, all students taking Latin: you're wasting your lives! |
| 525 | [[AC: Dream Lover]] |
| 526 | * Dan and Roseanne have plans for an intimate evening that never happens after Dan comes home late. When Dan is in the bathroom, a suspicious Roseanne examines his clothes. |
| 527 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''Voiceover'') Aha! A hair that isn’t his. (''Deflated'') Oh, it’s mine. |
| 528 | * Roseanne is complaining to Jackie and Crystal about Dan having sex dreams about a woman who works at the hardware store. They assure her that fantasizing is nothing to worry about and maybe even a little healthy. Crystal admits that she often fantasizes herself. The object of her desire turns out to be Pat Sajak. |
| 529 | -->'''Crystal:''' And you will be surprised to know that he’s a very tender lover with a virile and wiry little body.\ |
| 530 | '''Roseanne:''' We don’t have the hours to deal with your many problems, Crystal. Can we just deal with my problems now? |
| 531 | * Roseanne asks a mall security guard if he knows who the woman in question is. He points out a woman with a striking resemblance to Roseanne [[CastingGag (the actress actually played Barr in a made-for-tv film)]]. There’s a beat as Roseanne, Jackie, and Crystal take the woman in. |
| 532 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Damn! … She’s cute! |
| 533 | * The women try to figure out why Dan would be fantasizing about the woman and land on that maybe she’s younger than Roseanne. |
| 534 | -->'''Roseanne:''' You think so?\ |
| 535 | '''Crystal:''' Yeah, you’re much older than she is. [[DiggingYourselfDeeper You could be her mother.]]\ |
| 536 | '''Roseanne:''' I am going to pretend you didn’t say that, Crystal.\ |
| 537 | '''Crystal:''' (''Smiling Uncomfortably'') Me too. |
| 538 | [[AC: Do You Know Where Your Parents Are?]] |
| 539 | * Roseanne receives flowers at the door. |
| 540 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Dan, did you send me flowers?\ |
| 541 | '''Dan:''' No, why would I do that?\ |
| 542 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah, right, like you would ever be romantic enough to something like that for no reason. (''Reading the card'') 'Dear Roseanne I lied, they’re from me. Love, Dan.' You scum!\ |
| 543 | '''Dan:''' I love you too, dear. |
| 544 | * Dan says that he sent the flowers in honour of the first time they slept together and he and Roseanne start reminiscing about that night. |
| 545 | -->'''Dan:''' That was the night I asked you to be my girlfriend.\ |
| 546 | '''Roseanne:''' You said that you would make me the happiest girl in the whole USA.\ |
| 547 | '''DJ:''' Mom, the toilet’s broken!\ |
| 548 | '''Roseanne:''' (''To Dan'') Liar. |
| 549 | * After renting the same hotel room and reliving their first night together Dan says that this time was better because now they’re in love. |
| 550 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I was in love the first time.\ |
| 551 | '''Dan:''' [[OhCrap So was I!]] |
| 552 | [[AC: Confessions]] |
| 553 | * Roseanne and Jackie start sharing stories with Bev about things they did as kids but can’t into trouble for now. Roseanne asks Bev if she remembers her friend Janine. Bev says that Roseanne used to be at Janine’s house all hours of the night. Roseanne then pulls the rug: Janine was Dan. |
| 554 | * Darlene has spent the entire night trying to escape her grandmother and finally lands on a winning move. |
| 555 | -->'''Bev:''' Darlene, you’re lucky Becky’s so popular. When you start dating, she can give you some pointers.\ |
| 556 | ''Bev winks while smiling at Darlene.''\ |
| 557 | '''Darlene:''' Yeah, well if she’s so popular just ask her [[CallBack which one of us got felt up.]]\ |
| 558 | ''Darlene mockingly winks and smiles back''. |
| 559 | * Roseanne takes offence to the news that her parents always expected Jackie to become someone special but knew that Roseanne would just end up with an ordinary life. She spends all of dinner making passive aggressive comments and it culminates in her flinging a biscuit across the room. |
| 560 | -->'''Bev:''' (''Chuckling'') So, you see Roseanne, making pies must be in your blood.\ |
| 561 | '''Roseanne:''' Speaking of blood - |
| 562 | ** After having a heart-to-heart with Darlene in her room, Darlene complains that she missed the biscuit throwing and asks Roseanne if she’ll do it again. Roseanne says, yes; as long as she gets a clean shot. |
| 563 | [[AC: The Courtship of Eddie, Dan’s Father]] |
| 564 | * Despite Dan’s objections, Roseanne is trying to set Crystal up with Donald, a customer from her work, and invites them both to dinner. Jackie laments that Roseanne should be setting her up with Donald but Roseanne keeps telling Jackie that he’s not her type. |
| 565 | -->'''Jackie:''' What is my type, Roseanne, some unemployed rodeo clown?\ |
| 566 | ''Dan walks into the kitchen in the middle of Jackie’s complaining.''\ |
| 567 | '''Dan:''' (''Mockingly invested'') Uh-oh, bachelorette number two. |
| 568 | * Ed is also at the dinner because he’s stopped by for a late Christmas celebration with the Conners. Before Donald arrives, Roseanne walks into her bedroom to find Crystal and Ed making out on her bed. She silently exits the room just as Donald has shown up and immediately tries to now pawn him off on Jackie. |
| 569 | * Donald turns out to be a very irritating dinner guest who asks question after question without even giving time for an answer. Dan ends up alone with him and gives it right back. |
| 570 | -->'''Dan:''' [[MotorMouth You work in a camera shop. Do you send your film to a lab? What kind of lab? Is it a big lab?]] |
| 571 | * Roseanne spills the beans to Jackie and asks her to take Donald home so that Roseanne can figure out more. Jackie very reluctantly agrees. |
| 572 | -->'''Jackie:''' What if he tries something?\ |
| 573 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, Jackie, he’s annoying. He’s not desperate. |
| 574 | * Once Roseanne and an oblivious Dan are left alone with Ed and Crystal, Dan says that he’s surprised that Jackie would leave with Donald. |
| 575 | -->'''Dan:''' Funny how Donald and Jackie hit it right off. I thought Donald was more, say, Crystal’s type, but what do I know?\ |
| 576 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Chuckling Uncomfortably'') Absolutely nothing, my pet. |
| 577 | [[AC: The Wedding]] |
| 578 | * The kids come running into the house explaining that they’re racing Ed. They go to the window to see how far behind he is. Becky then asks if they’re just going to let him lie there. |
| 579 | * Ed laments that he isn’t getting along with Dan or Crystal’s son. Roseanne suggests that Ed would do better with daughters and offers hers for a fair price. Ed asks how much he owes and Roseanne replies that she thought she would have to pay him. |
| 580 | * Dan is completely opposed to the wedding but Roseanne says tough. |
| 581 | -->'''Roseanne:''' You've got to go. You're the best man. Your whole family's going to be there. Your aunt Mildred's going to dance with the band, and uncle Pete's going to pull a quarter out of his nose like he always does. [[MoodWhiplash You're not leaving me alone with those people.]] |
| 582 | * Jackie says that she isn’t bitter about not having a date to the wedding since she’s looking forward to spending the time with Becky and Darlene. |
| 583 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Becky and Darlene have dates.\ |
| 584 | '''Jackie:''' Darlene? Darlene has a date? ''Now'' I'm bitter. |
| 585 | * At Crystal’s bachelorette, they decide to see who knows her best. |
| 586 | -->'''Roseanne:''' What was Crystal’s name in high school?\ |
| 587 | '''Jackie:''' Oh, too easy.\ |
| 588 | '''Roseanne:''' Right. That was it. |
| 589 | * The tag for the episode is presented as a video cassette recording of the wedding reception. There's a few moments of fast forwarding where you can see the guests doing the Bunny Hop. Then Roseanne and Dan try to record a congratulatory message for Crystal and Dan's father, and Dan makes several kind, supportive remarks. Crystal, offscreen, shouts "WE'RE CUTTING THE CAKE," at which point Dan hastily excuses himself. |
| 590 | [[AC: Becky Doesn’t Live Here Anymore]] |
| 591 | * Becky is copping an attitude about dinner. |
| 592 | -->'''Becky:''' God, nobody could eat this crud.\ |
| 593 | '''Dan:''' If you don’t finish your crud, you won’t get any crap for dessert. |
| 594 | * Becky complains about the look of the girls’ room and tries to get Darlene to agree. |
| 595 | -->'''Becky:''' I hate that room. It’s a baby’s room. Don’t you hate it, Darlene?\ |
| 596 | '''Darlene:''' Who cares? When I turn 18, I’m out of here.\ |
| 597 | '''Becky:''' Why can’t you ever back me up for once?\ |
| 598 | '''Darlene:''' Well, I don’t like you, Becky. |
| 599 | * Roseanne and Jackie arrive on the porch just in time to hear Dan and Becky going at it about Becky leaving Dan to paint the room by himself. Dan comes out of the house and addresses Roseanne. |
| 600 | -->'''Dan:''' This marriage-family thing has been a lot of fun but I have to go now.\ |
| 601 | ''Dan walks off.''\ |
| 602 | '''Roseanne:''' Damn, I lose more husbands that way. |
| 603 | * Roseanne advises Jackie to order dessert on her date because she read in a magazine that a healthy appetite was now being considered sexy. |
| 604 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I was so far ahead of my time. |
| 605 | * DJ gets his head stuck in a drawer (again) and Roseanne gets him out with salad oil. Roseanne and Jackie have a good laugh about it while Jackie asks how he manages to do that. Roseanne can only offer that he’s gifted. |
| 606 | * Becky secretly meets Mark but Darlene covers for her and says that she went with Darlene to a basketball game. When Darlene comes home alone, her parents smell a rat and ask Becky the score of the basketball game once she gets home. Darlene says that Becky wouldn’t know because she was in the bathroom the whole time, bleaching her upper lip. |
| 607 | * Dan wants answers from Becky about where she was. |
| 608 | -->'''Becky:''' What’s the difference?\ |
| 609 | '''Dan:''' We want to know.\ |
| 610 | '''Becky:''' God, you’re beginning to sound like mom.\ |
| 611 | '''Dan:''' Hold it! (''To Roseanne'') If I found that really insulting, would that bother you? |
| 612 | * Becky takes off for Jackie’s and is mortified that she interrupted a date. |
| 613 | -->'''Becky:''' I can’t take it anymore.\ |
| 614 | ''Jackie tries to close the door on Becky.''\ |
| 615 | '''Jackie:''' Yes, you can. Bye.\ |
| 616 | '''Becky:''' I got to move in with you.\ |
| 617 | '''Jackie:''' Becky, this is not a good time.\ |
| 618 | ''Becky walks into the apartment and spots Jackie’s date.''\ |
| 619 | '''Becky:''' Oh, my god! You guys were just about to, like, do it! I’m really sorry. I’ll just be out in the hall.\ |
| 620 | ''Becky leaves and closes the door.''\ |
| 621 | '''Becky:''' (''Through the door'') Holler when you’re done! |
| 622 | [[AC: Home Ec]] |
| 623 | * Roseanne is a guest speaker in Darlene's Home Economics class (much to her daughter's embarrassment), and takes the kids on a field trip to the supermarket to show them how one shops on a limited budget for a family of five, and explains the whole thing in a way that only Rosie can. The cornflake meatloaf (made with ground beef that was 50% fat) may seem disgusting, but many families on similarly limited budgets will be quite familiar with the concept. |
| 624 | * As part of the lesson, Roseanne takes the teenage girls to her home so they can learn how to prepare dinner, too. At one point, she {{Troll}}s Dan by having all of the girls gather around the couch as he naps (getting in a few quips about how ''this'' is the future that awaits them), then waking him up and telling him that "They're all ours." |
| 625 | * While cooking, one girl complains that she doesn't see why they're [[StayInTheKitchen stuck in the kitchen]] cooking for a family without any help. The others loudly agree, and Roseanne joyfully declares that they're now officially ready to be married. |
| 626 | * The method Roseanne uses to tell when dinner is ready is when one of the kids comes in and whines "Not meatloaf again!" Later, Becky wanders by and says [[BrickJoke exactly that]], and Roseanne grins. |
| 627 | [[AC: Valentine’s Day]] |
| 628 | * DJ gives Roseanne a Valentine’s card and she’s initially touched until she sees that it’s signed "love, Warren." DJ then admits that he fished it out of the trash. |
| 629 | * Roseanne is on the phone with Crystal talking about how nice it is that Ed was spoiling her today. |
| 630 | -->'''Roseanne:''' It’s Valentine’s Day, for crying out loud. Only the slimiest lowlife of a husband would forget you on Valentine’s Day.\ |
| 631 | ''Dan walks by just in time to hear this and then grimaces.''\ |
| 632 | '''Roseanne:''' And he just came in. I got to go. Bye.\ |
| 633 | '''Dan:''' I didn’t forget.\ |
| 634 | '''Roseanne:''' What did you get me?\ |
| 635 | '''Dan:''' It’s a surprise.\ |
| 636 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Smirking'') To both of us, huh? |
| 637 | * Dan asks Jackie what to buy Roseanne. Jackie says that lingerie would be nice but Dan doesn’t want to look like a pervert going into the store. He finally relents and is obviously uncomfortable the whole time despite the saleswomen trying to make him feel at ease. He finally has enough and decides to bolt but on his way out he bumps into Arnie. The two men try to stammer out excuses about what they’re both doing but give up and run away from each other. |
| 638 | * Darlene has invited a boy, Barry, over in the hopes that he will invite her to a dance. Darlene is out of her element and Becky gives her some flirting tips of smile, laugh, lean in and listen. Darlene ends up craning her neck, and completely invading Barry’s personal space while smiling like a manic. Meanwhile, Becky and Roseanne are watching on from the kitchen. |
| 639 | -->'''Roseanne:''' What is she doing?\ |
| 640 | '''Becky:''' … Flirting?\ |
| 641 | '''Roseanne:''' Well, god, I hope she don’t hurt herself. |
| 642 | * Much to Darlene’s horror, Roseanne ends up alone with Barry. Darlene tries to get her to scram but her method of doing so is to stand in the kitchen, without saying anything, and gesturing with her head. Roseanne, of course, has fun with this. |
| 643 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''On the verge of laughing'') What's that, Lassie? You say Timmy fell down a mine shaft... up on Big Rock mountain, and grandpa's already up there waiting? I'd better get out there. |
| 644 | [[AC: Communicable Theater]] |
| 645 | * Dan ends up with the flu and is a demanding, whiny baby. A particular point of contention is that Roseanne’s soup has more noodles than his. She gives him more from her bowl to shut him up, only for him to complain that he now has too many noodles. |
| 646 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Stay sick, Dan, because when you get well, I am going to kill you! |
| 647 | * Jackie is an understudy for Lanford’s production of Cyrano de Bergerac but she didn’t bother to learn the play and starts freaking out when she finds out she has to go on that night. Roseanne gets Dan to run lines with Jackie while Roseanne takes care of Dan. Roseanne starts talking Jackie off the ledge when she starts panicking again about not having enough time. Meanwhile, they are both ignoring Dan who’s struggling with a massive coughing fit. |
| 648 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Greatly irritated'') Oh, never mind about me! I’ll be fine! |
| 649 | * Becky has had it with Dan complaining about how his eggs are cooked and says that if he wants to eat, he can lick the vaporub off his chest. |
| 650 | * Roseanne asks why Dan’s bothering the girls when he’s clearly feeling better. He admits it’s [[ForTheEvulz just for kicks.]] |
| 651 | * When the play reaches the scene where Cyrano is telling Christian what to tell Roxanne, Roseanne suggests feeding Jackie her lines but Jackie says no. Roseanne counters that it’s what the other two actors are doing. |
| 652 | [[AC: Vegas Interruptus]] |
| 653 | * Dan wants Roseanne to let him teach her how to play craps when they get to Vegas. |
| 654 | -->'''Dan:''' Best odds in the house.\ |
| 655 | '''Roseanne:''' Dan, the best odds in Las Vegas in our favor are at the buffet table. |
| 656 | * Roseanne risks losing her job if she goes to Vegas instead of showing up for her shift the next day. She debates the pros and cons with Dan and he eventually convinces her to go. |
| 657 | -->'''Dan:''' You going to bellyache, or are we going to have a wonderful time?\ |
| 658 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, well, ok, we’ll go and have a wonderful time, but you’re going to regret it! |
| 659 | * While their parents are gone, Becky and Darlene throw a party with Jackie chaperoning. A high school student starts flirting with Jackie and offers to drive her somewhere more intimate. Jackie turns him down, stating that them together would be illegal. He walks away and apologizes to Darlene that he tried to get Jackie to leave but "the old broad said no." |
| 660 | * At the party, two boys start fighting over Darlene and Jackie breaks it up. |
| 661 | -->'''Jackie:''' (''To the crowd'') That’s it, show’s over. Nothing more to see. Come on.\ |
| 662 | ''All of the teens disperse.''\ |
| 663 | '''Jackie:''' And as for you, Darlene… ''excellent''! |
| 664 | * Dan tells Roseanne that he’ll make sure the seats he gets for Wayne Newton will be real up close. |
| 665 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Close enough for me to hit him with my underpants?\ |
| 666 | '''Dan:''' You will take them off first, won’t you, dear? |
| 667 | * The weather is looking like Dan and Roseanne’s plane won’t be going anywhere. Dan starts betting with passengers around him that they will get to go. The pilot chimes in over the intercom to say that he would like to bet they’re not going. Dan uneasily claims that the pilot is bluffing. |
| 668 | [[AC: Second Time Around]] |
| 669 | * Roseanne asks Crystal what she’s going to name her baby. |
| 670 | -->'''Crystal:''' Well, we have a tradition in our family. My grandmother was Ruby, my mother was Amber, and I’m Crystal, so I was thinking that this must stop. |
| 671 | * Arnie brings Dan home after an accident at work. Dan embarrassedly admits that he was in a porto-potty when it was knocked by a wrecking ball and he came out with his pants around his ankles to see a group of people standing there. |
| 672 | -->'''Arnie:''' Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to start the applause. |
| 673 | * Dan’s accident gets him to start thinking about his mortality. He asks Roseanne what the plan is if they both go at the same time, like in a plane crash. Roseanne assures him the only way they would die in a plane crash is if the plane crashed into their couch. |
| 674 | * DJ’s birth is shown in a flashback. |
| 675 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Jackie, mom was right! Sex is ''BAD''!! |
| 676 | ** Right after DJ is delivered, Dan starts counting and making sure everything is in place. |
| 677 | --->'''Dan:''' Five, five, five, five … one. Yes! It’s a boy! |
| 678 | * Jackie says that she wants custody of the kids if need be, so Roseanne quizzes her to make sure she’s up to it. Roseanne asks what she would do if DJ brought home a dead cat and wanted to keep it as a pet. |
| 679 | -->'''Jackie:''' I don’t know what I’d do.\ |
| 680 | '''Roseanne:''' Neither did I. |
| 681 | [[AC: Dances With Darlene]] |
| 682 | * There’s a montage of Darlene walking through her bedroom door while wearing different dresses and repeating the comments Roseanne has about them. Except for one clip where she just walks through the door, embarrassedly covering herself and Becky is the one to relay Roseanne’s critique of the dress. |
| 683 | -->'''Becky:''' Well, you ''do'' look like Judy Jetson. |
| 684 | * After deciding on the dress Darlene will wear to the dance with Barry, Dan slow dances with her in the living room. |
| 685 | -->'''Dan:''' If this Barry tries to hold you this close, tell him you got to throw up.\ |
| 686 | '''Darlene:''' Oh, I thought I was going to save that for when he wanted to have sex.\ |
| 687 | '''Dan:''' (''Freaked out'') I... I got to go. |
| 688 | * After a fight with Roseanne, Darlene decides to not go to the dance. Roseanne says that there are much better ways for Darlene to get back at her, saying that maybe [[HilariousInHindsight Mark has a little brother.]] |
| 689 | * Leon turns a woman down for a date, much to Roseanne and Bonnie’s confusion. Then as Leon is leaving for the night, a man comes and asks Leon if he’s ready to go. Further conversation between the men clearly shows that they’re a couple. As the men are leaving, Bonnie and Roseanne share a look. |
| 690 | -->'''Roseanne and Bonnie:''' (''Knowingly'') ''Ohhh!'' |
| 691 | [[AC: Scenes From a Barbecue]] |
| 692 | * Roseanne introduces her Nana Mary to her black friends, Chuck and Anne-Marie. |
| 693 | -->'''Nana Mary:''' Nice to meet you. And I want you to know that I’m not prejudiced! |
| 694 | * Darlene and Nana Mary are cutting cards and Darlene has lost every time. Nana Mary tries to get Becky to join but Becky refuses because Mary’s obviously cheating. |
| 695 | -->'''Darlene:''' Becky, how could Nana Mary cheat at cutting cards?\ |
| 696 | '''Jackie:''' It’s her deck, Einstein.\ |
| 697 | '''Nana Mary:''' For that, you are out of the will! |
| 698 | * Jackie gets stuck talking to Bev on the phone and decides to have some fun. |
| 699 | -->'''Jackie:''' Um, we broke up… It just didn’t work out… Yeah, I know you liked him mom but then, you didn’t have to sleep with him. |
| 700 | [[AC: The Pied Piper of Lanford]] |
| 701 | * Ziggy floats the idea of him and Dan opening up a bike shop but Roseanne is reluctant. |
| 702 | -->'''Ziggy:''' I believe in this idea.\ |
| 703 | '''Roseanne:''' You used to believe that you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough. |
| 704 | * Ziggy catches Becky talking about him on the phone and repeatedly brings it up. He’s particularly amused by her remark that he’s "like Mark but more mature." |
| 705 | * Roseanne caves and Dan is very grateful. |
| 706 | -->'''Dan:''' The official thank you will take place in the thank you room.\ |
| 707 | '''Roseanne:''' What, it’s no longer the begging room? |
| 708 | * Roseanne reprimands Ziggy for barging in her bedroom in the middle of the night. Ziggy doesn’t see the problem since she did it to him and Jackie earlier. Roseanne says that was different: [[HypocriticalHumor it was funny when she did it.]] |
| 709 | * Roseanne walks into the kitchen to find a bored DJ. |
| 710 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Why don’t you call up that Todd or Troy, whatever his name is, and see if he’ll play with you?\ |
| 711 | '''DJ:''' He’s in school.\ |
| 712 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh.\ |
| 713 | ''Beat''\ |
| 714 | '''Roseanne:''' Why aren’t you in school?\ |
| 715 | ''DJ makes a face realizing he’s busted.''\ |
| 716 | '''Roseanne:''' Go to school! |
| 717 | [[/folder]] |
| 718 | [[folder: Season 4]] |
| 719 | [[AC: A Bitter Pill to Swallow]] |
| 720 | * Crystal has brought baby Ed over and is complaining about her lack of sleep and that nothing has worked to get Ed on a sleeping schedule. |
| 721 | -->'''Crystal:''' I even tried the washing machine.\ |
| 722 | '''Darlene:''' (''Incredulous'') [[ComicallyMissingThePoint You put him in the washing machine?!]]\ |
| 723 | '''Crystal:''' (''Irritated'') No, Darlene. You put the baby seat on top of the washing machine and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.\ |
| 724 | '''Roseanne:''' When you were a baby, we couldn’t afford a washing machine, so I took you down to the river and beat you against a rock. |
| 725 | * Roseanne is basking in Ed’s new baby smell and tells Darlene to smell his head. Darlene declines in disgust. A few moments later, Dan walks in to see Crystal nursing. Dan is clearly uncomfortable and Darlene is no help. |
| 726 | -->'''Darlene:''' Hey, dad, smell the baby’s head. |
| 727 | * After Becky asks Roseanne to take her to a gynaecologist to get birth control, Roseanne agrees but starts freaking out to Jackie. |
| 728 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I cannot handle this!\ |
| 729 | '''Jackie:''' You can.\ |
| 730 | '''Roseanne:''' I can’t. I know I can’t do this.\ |
| 731 | ''Baby Ed starts crying.''\ |
| 732 | '''Roseanne:''' I ''can'' do this. |
| 733 | * Roseanne fills Dan in on the birth control situation. |
| 734 | -->'''Dan:''' Suddenly, I feel like calling your father and apologizing for ever having sex with his daughter.\ |
| 735 | '''Roseanne:''' It’s okay, Dan. It’s enough that you’ve apologized to me. |
| 736 | * Roseanne is upset that Becky’s now grown and doesn’t need her anymore. Jackie says that’s not true: Becky needs Roseanne to pay for the pills. |
| 737 | * Mark calls and Darlene picks up. She starts smart-mouthing to him and he must have some choice words back for her. Becky comes to get the phone and Darlene says to let her say goodbye first. She then belches into the phone and hands it to Becky. |
| 738 | [[AC: Take My Bike … Please!]] |
| 739 | * Roseanne and Dan tell Becky and Darlene that they need to start taking on more responsibility around the house while they try to get the bike shop off the ground. |
| 740 | -->'''Roseanne:''' From now on, Becky, I’m leaving you in charge.\ |
| 741 | ''Darlene raises her hand while Becky smiles.''\ |
| 742 | '''Darlene:''' I have a problem with that.\ |
| 743 | '''Roseanne:''' Tough. You’ll listen to Becky like you listen to us.\ |
| 744 | ''Darlene smiles while Becky stops smiling and raises her hand.''\ |
| 745 | '''Becky:''' Um, now I have a problem. |
| 746 | * Roseanne is testier than usual at work. Leon asks what’s going on since he has all of her PMS days marked on his calendar and this isn’t one of them. |
| 747 | * Becky complains about the dinner Darlene made of spaghetti with thousand island dressing. |
| 748 | -->'''Darlene:''' (''Offended'') DJ likes it!\ |
| 749 | '''Becky:''' DJ eats hair! |
| 750 | * Roseanne can’t believe that she was unable to sell a bike. |
| 751 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I tried everything today to sell a bike. I lied. I pushed. I nagged.\ |
| 752 | '''Dan:''' Well, you went with your strengths, dear. |
| 753 | * DJ says that he’s been ignored for the past two days. Roseanne and Dan apologize and send him up to bed with the promise of being there in a minute to read him a story. Roseanne and Dan get to talking and start to head to bed themselves only to come rushing back out of their room once they realize they still need to go see DJ. |
| 754 | -->'''Dan:''' I can’t believe we forgot him again.\ |
| 755 | '''Roseanne:''' He better learn to bitch and moan like his sisters or he ain’t gonna make it in this family. |
| 756 | [[AC: Why Jackie Becomes a Trucker]] |
| 757 | * Jackie wakes up from a night of drinking to find a man’s clothing and shoes beside her bed. As she’s wondering who she ended up with last night, Arnie comes out of her bathroom to ask her to drive him home because he dropped his keys in her toilet. [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone Jackie is absolutely horrified.]] |
| 758 | * Jackie sprays her mattress with disinfectant after she sleeps with Arnie. The look of disgust and resolution on her face is so strong, you can practically read the "I should just throw this out" thought bubble above her head. |
| 759 | * On a girl’s night out, Jackie asks if any of them have ever done something really shameful. Various stories are given such as Crystal voted for herself for prom queen, Anne-Marie lied to Chuck about being a virgin, and Bonnie and her husband once robbed a liquor store. All of these are met with either humor or sympathy until Jackie fesses up to sleeping with Arnie and, instead of comforting her, everyone is outraged. |
| 760 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Oh, my God! Do you realize when everybody in this town sees me, they’re going to say [[ItsAllAboutMe "There goes the sister of the woman who slept with Arnie."]]\ |
| 761 | (''All of the women leave Jackie to rush to Roseanne’s side to assure her that it’s not her fault and to not beat herself up about it.'') |
| 762 | * At Dan’s poker night, Arnie starts bragging about sleeping with a woman. The guys start telling him off for cheating on Nancy. Arnie tries to get Leon to back him up, asking if he would turn down a woman that looked like Melanie Griffith and Leon says he actually would. All the guys laugh in disbelief but Leon says he truly would because he’s gay. No one quite knows how to proceed after the news. |
| 763 | -->'''Chuckie:''' Well - well, you know, I - I know a gay guy. His name’s Bill. He - he lives in Chicago. Maybe you know him.\ |
| 764 | '''Leon:''' [[SarcasmMode Yeah, yeah. Sure, I know him. From Chicago - gay Bill.]]\ |
| 765 | '''Dan:''' Smooth, Chuckie.\ |
| 766 | '''Chuckie:''' What? Nobody else was saying anything! |
| 767 | ** Arnie then tells Leon to forget Melanie Griffith and asks what he would do if Andy Griffith hit on him instead. |
| 768 | [[AC: Darlene Fades To Black]] |
| 769 | * Becky wants a motorcycle her parents have at the shop but they say no. Once Roseanne realizes that Dan would be okay with DJ getting a bike but not Becky, she calls him out on the double standard. Becky takes this to mean she’s going to get the bike now but Roseanne still tells her no. Becky calls Roseanne out on her own double standard that she would let DJ get the bike too. |
| 770 | -->'''Roseanne:''' No, I would not. But I would let Darlene, so figure that one out. |
| 771 | [[AC: Tolerate Thy Neighbor]] |
| 772 | * Roseanne spots a Good Samaritan van parked outside the Bowman’s and two men putting item after item in the truck. Roseanne notes that one item is "too good for the needy", runs over to pay the men for it, and brings home a tacky, porcelain dalmatian umbrella stand. |
| 773 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Mesmerized'') You did good, honey. This is a great piece of crap. |
| 774 | * A few days later, an angry Kathy Bowman comes by to let the Conners know that her house was robbed. Roseanne and Dan give their sympathies, then the penny drops: the robbery consisted of two men loading up a Good Samaritan truck. As Kathy is relaying this news, as subtly as he can, Dan grabs the nearest blanket and covers the dalmatian. |
| 775 | * Jerry says that Kathy wants to set up a neighborhood watch. |
| 776 | -->'''Dan:''' I thought that’s what happened, Jer: you guys got robbed and the neighborhood watched. |
| 777 | * The family congratulates Jackie on passing the driving test to get her trucker’s license. |
| 778 | -->'''Jackie:''' You’d be surprised how courteous people are when they see an 18 wheeler with "Student Driver" written on it. |
| 779 | * The girls return home after Jackie drove them in her truck. |
| 780 | -->'''Dan:''' I was starting to worry about you guys, you been gone a long time.\ |
| 781 | '''Becky:''' You should have worried. Jackie almost killed us. '''Darlene:''' She was just showing how well the rig cornered. She missed the bus stop by almost a foot.\ |
| 782 | '''Becky:''' Everybody there dove under the bench.\ |
| 783 | '''Darlene:''' They were old. They panicked. It was so cool.\ |
| 784 | '''Dan:''' I'm glad you had fun, Darlene.\ |
| 785 | '''Becky:''' Well, what about me?\ |
| 786 | '''Dan:''' (''Mockingly sympathetic'') It doesn't sound like you had any fun at all, Becky. |
| 787 | * While discussing whether Roseanne’s kids would be comfortable to come out to her, Jackie claims that [[HilariousInHindsight she could come out to Bev no problem.]] |
| 788 | -->'''Roseanne:''' You couldn’t even tell her you were gonna be a cop. How could you tell her you were gay?\ |
| 789 | '''Jackie:''' Easy. It’d kill her. |
| 790 | ** Roseanne claims that she would have no problem with one of her kids being gay. |
| 791 | --->'''Roseanne:''' All that I have ever wanted for my kids is that they’re happy and out of this house. And let me tell you, happy isn’t even that important. |
| 792 | [[AC: Vegas]] |
| 793 | * First thing in the morning, Arnie starts tapping on the Conner’s window. Roseanne immediately takes the opportunity to get in a jab at Jackie. |
| 794 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Oh, my God. It’s Arnie. What’s he doing here so early in the morning? Perhaps he dropped by to have sex with you again. |
| 795 | * The reason Arnie has come by is because him and Nancy are engaged (yet again). |
| 796 | -->'''Arnie:''' You know how I always said I wouldn’t get married until I had a little money put away? Well, Nancy’s dad gave me $5,000 to never see her again. |
| 797 | * Arnie and Nancy are eloping in Vegas and ask Dan and Roseanne to be in the wedding but Dan turns them down, much to Roseanne’s annoyance. |
| 798 | -->'''Dan:''' You want to just take off and leave the kids?\ |
| 799 | '''Roseanne:''' Yes, Dan! That is all I’ve ever wanted! |
| 800 | * Darlene and Becky are in the middle of their typical banter when Roseanne calls and Darlene picks up. |
| 801 | -->'''Darlene:''' Hello. Oh, hi, mom. Yeah, I’m fine. You want to talk to Becky? Well, she’s in your bed right now with Mark. Should I wake them?\ |
| 802 | '''Becky:''' Give me the phone! |
| 803 | * Roseanne comes to pull Dan away from a very successful craps game for some time in their room. He initially rebuffs her but, eventually, he very reluctantly gives in. |
| 804 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Tensely'') Let’s just do what we came up here to do.\ |
| 805 | '''Roseanne:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh, you sweet talker, you.]] |
| 806 | [[AC: Vegas, Vegas]] |
| 807 | * DJ has to make a sundial for school and shows Darlene his finished product. |
| 808 | -->'''Darlene:''' Uh, Becky. DJ made a sundial out of birth control pills.\ |
| 809 | '''Becky:''' What?\ |
| 810 | '''DJ:''' It even tells the days of the week.\ |
| 811 | '''Darlene:''' Mom went to Vegas without these? She really is a gambler. |
| 812 | * It eventually transpires that the pills are Becky’s. Darlene initially has a field day with this but it ends up being one of the few times Becky comes out on top of an exchange between her and Darlene. |
| 813 | -->'''Darlene:''' They’re yours? You slut.\ |
| 814 | '''Becky:''' Shut up, Darlene.\ |
| 815 | '''Darlene:''' Oh, my God. You’re doing it with Mark.\ |
| 816 | '''Becky:''' Shut up, Darlene.\ |
| 817 | '''Darlene:''' When your naked bodies were pressed together, were you making actual words or just grunting like animals?\ |
| 818 | '''Becky:''' Shut up, Darlene.\ |
| 819 | '''Darlene:''' (''Excitedly'') Mom’s going to love this.\ |
| 820 | '''Becky:''' Mom already knows. Who do you think bought me the pills?\ |
| 821 | ''Darlene deflates as she realizes she just lost her ammo.''\ |
| 822 | '''Becky:''' (''Knowing she’s won this one'') Slammer! |
| 823 | [[AC: Kansas City, Here We Come]] |
| 824 | * On a road trip to meet Al’s mistress, Roseanne rightfully pins the blame for the affair on their father while Jackie blames everyone but. |
| 825 | -->'''Jackie:''' We’ll ask what kind of woman would steal a man away from his happy family.\ |
| 826 | '''Roseanne:''' Where were you living? We were never happy.\ |
| 827 | '''Jackie:''' Maybe we would have been if she’d left dad alone.\ |
| 828 | '''Roseanne:''' Now you’re being unfair, Jackie. What woman could rightly turn down a patio furniture salesman who cleaned out his ears with his car keys? |
| 829 | * The two float the possibility that Al might have kids with his mistress. |
| 830 | -->'''Jackie:''' They would be, like, Darlene’s age.\ |
| 831 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, man… that would serve him right. |
| 832 | * Roseanne and Jackie try to kill time during the drive. First, Roseanne punches Jackie after seeing a Punch Buggy. |
| 833 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Slug Bug!\ |
| 834 | '''Jackie:''' Ow. Cadillac Whack!\ |
| 835 | '''Roseanne:''' Ow! I didn’t hit you that hard!\ |
| 836 | '''Jackie:''' Dodge.\ |
| 837 | '''Roseanne:''' Dodge what?\ |
| 838 | '''Jackie:''' Dodge this! |
| 839 | * Roseanne and Jackie both try to squeeze into the sleeper cab in Jackie's truck, which appears to be about two-thirds the width of a twin bed. |
| 840 | * Becky comes home and rants to Dan while he’s reading the newspaper and barely paying attention. |
| 841 | -->'''Becky:''' Dad, I hate my life!\ |
| 842 | '''Dan:''' Tough day, honey?\ |
| 843 | '''Becky:''' My job sucks and my boss is a big, dumb jerk.\ |
| 844 | '''Dan:''' That’s too bad, dear.\ |
| 845 | '''Becky:''' And I can’t quit because there’s never enough money around here for anything I want.\ |
| 846 | '''Dan:''' Sorry, sweetheart.\ |
| 847 | '''Becky:''' If you expect me to clean up this rathole, you’re nuts. I’m taking a bath and going to bed.\ |
| 848 | ''She walks off while Dan still doesn’t look up from his newspaper.''\ |
| 849 | '''Dan:''' (''Absentmindedly'') Night, Rosie. |
| 850 | * After Becky goes upstairs, Darlene comes down and tells Dan that Becky’s boss called her a bad word. |
| 851 | -->'''DJ:''' The "B" word?\ |
| 852 | '''Darlene:''' Worse.\ |
| 853 | '''DJ:''' The "F" word?\ |
| 854 | '''Dan:''' Deej!\ |
| 855 | '''DJ:''' The "L" word?\ |
| 856 | '''Darlene:''' What’s the "L" word?\ |
| 857 | '''DJ:''' I don’t know. What’s the "F" word? |
| 858 | [[AC: The Bowling Show]] |
| 859 | * Nancy says that Arnie is starting to bring up having kids. |
| 860 | -->'''Nancy:''' He’s on my back to have a baby.\ |
| 861 | '''Roseanne:''' Well, maybe one of these days he'll get it right. |
| 862 | * Roseanne is jealous of the fact that Nancy and Jackie are hanging out together. |
| 863 | -->'''Roseanne:''' If it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t even know each other.\ |
| 864 | '''Dan:''' There is the whole sordid Arnie connection, dear.\ |
| 865 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah, right. Like they’re getting together to form some little "I Slept With Arnie" club that I can’t even be a member of.\ |
| 866 | ''Dan gives her a questioning look.''\ |
| 867 | '''Roseanne:''' [[ThatCameOutWrong You know what I mean.]] |
| 868 | * A sick DJ keeps being pawned off on various family members until, eventually, a confused Roseanne comes home to find Mark’s little brother Kevin (who’s later named David) watching tv after he sent DJ to bed. A few minutes later, Darlene comes home and her and "Kevin" start hitting it off. |
| 869 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Amused'') Looks like Darlene’s got herself a little friend.\ |
| 870 | '''Roseanne:''' His name’s Kevin. He’s Mark’s little brother.\ |
| 871 | '''Dan:''' (''Immediately Concerned'') Come on, Kev. I’ll drive you home. |
| 872 | [[AC: The Back Story]] |
| 873 | * DJ requests a Super Nintendo for his birthday but is told it’s not in the budget right now. |
| 874 | -->'''DJ:''' All of my friends have them. They make fun of me because I don’t.\ |
| 875 | '''Darlene:''' That’s not why they make fun of you, DJ. |
| 876 | ** DJ tries his luck with Dan who is winded after having just shovelled the drive way. |
| 877 | --->'''DJ:''' Dad, will you get me a Super Nintendo?\ |
| 878 | '''Dan:''' No. But if I don’t catch my breath maybe your new daddy will buy you one. |
| 879 | * While home alone, Roseanne throws her back out. |
| 880 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Ow! Oh, I - I can’t get up, and I don’t have one of those things. I shouldn’t have laughed at that old lady on tv! |
| 881 | * When asked how her job at the grocery store is going, Becky says that she was moved up to working on the express line. |
| 882 | -->'''Jackie:''' They must have a lot of confidence in you.\ |
| 883 | '''Becky:''' Yeah, right. All I have to do is count to ten.\ |
| 884 | '''Darlene:''' Don’t wear mittens. It’ll slow you down.\ |
| 885 | ''A bed-ridden Roseanne laughs off-screen.''\ |
| 886 | '''Becky:''' Mother!\ |
| 887 | '''Roseanne:''' [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Well, it was funny, Becky.]] |
| 888 | * While trying to make up with Dan, Bev tells Dan that he may not have known, but she wasn’t exactly thrilled when he married Roseanne. Dan replies that she wore black to the wedding. |
| 889 | [[AC: Less Is More]] |
| 890 | * While at work, Roseanne throws her back out yet again. As a result customers begin helping her out with delivering food, pouring and making coffee, etc., until Roseanne’s whole job is being done for her. When Bonnie questions what’s going on, Roseanne happily tells Bonnie that she’s finally got the hang of this job. |
| 891 | * Seeking a solution to her back problem, Roseanne visits the doctor with Jackie. |
| 892 | -->'''Nurse:''' Have a seat, Mrs Conner, the doctor will be here in a minute.\ |
| 893 | '''Jackie:''' So, what did he say?\ |
| 894 | '''Roseanne:''' "Put your clothes on. I’m done." You know, like any man. |
| 895 | * The doctor’s suggestion is a breast reduction. He’s brought a brochure in to show the women and as he’s explaining the procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie cover themselves in growing horror. |
| 896 | -->'''Roseanne:''' What sick nazi man came up with this idea? |
| 897 | * Roseanne questions just how much breast tissue would be removed. |
| 898 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I don’t want to end up looking like … you know.\ |
| 899 | ''She gestures in Jackie’s direction.''\ |
| 900 | '''Jackie:''' (''Immediately Offended'') [[ACupAngst Hey! Hey!]] |
| 901 | * Becky is on the phone asking Mark for car help. |
| 902 | -->'''Becky:''' No, my father already fixed it. (''Directed more at Dan than Mark'') That’s why I can’t get it out of the driveway!\ |
| 903 | '''Dan:''' The car doesn’t have to run for you to live in it, Becky. |
| 904 | * During the surgery, Roseanne has a dream that she is accidentally given a breast enlargement, with said breasts protruding about a foot and a half from her body. When she demands to see the surgeon, [[Series/DoogieHowserMD Doogie Howser]] comes in and asks if they’re not big enough for her. |
| 905 | [[AC: Breaking Up Is Hard To Do]] |
| 906 | * Becky and Mark start arguing and Becky brings up him blowing off Thanksgiving dinner. |
| 907 | -->'''Mark:''' I didn’t want to hang out with your parents.\ |
| 908 | '''Becky:''' Well, nobody wants to hang out with my parents, Mark!! |
| 909 | * Dan is reluctant to go to a PTA meeting at DJ’s school. |
| 910 | -->'''Dan:''' He’s a typical third grader. What are they going to tell me that I don’t already know?\ |
| 911 | '''Roseanne:''' That he’s in fourth grade.\ |
| 912 | '''Dan:''' (''To DJ'') And you’re still eating paste?! |
| 913 | * Dan is bonding with Becky’s date, Dean. |
| 914 | -->'''Dan:''' Rosie, Dean hurt himself in football just like I did.\ |
| 915 | '''Roseanne:''' Oh, he got drunk and fell off the bus too? |
| 916 | * Dan is devastated when Roseanne and Jackie tell him that Dean is merely the transition guy stuck between the first and second boyfriend. |
| 917 | -->'''Dan:''' (''In Denial'') No, no, no. It doesn’t have to work like that. Roseanne, you never had a transition guy.\ |
| 918 | '''Roseanne:''' What do you think you are, Dan? |
| 919 | * Jackie asks if Roseanne is doing everything she should be to recover from her breast reduction. |
| 920 | -->'''Jackie:''' What about your exercise?\ |
| 921 | '''Roseanne:''' What about your love life? |
| 922 | [[AC: This Old House]] |
| 923 | * Just as Roseanne and Jackie come home, Darlene and David come down the stairs to the living room. |
| 924 | -->'''Roseanne:''' What are you doing upstairs with some boy?\ |
| 925 | '''Darlene:''' Well, no one was home so I figured, "why not become a woman?" |
| 926 | * As Roseanne is making a cake, DJ keeps pestering her to eat some of the baker’s chocolate. Roseanne warns him he won’t like it but eventually gives in. Sure enough, DJ immediately spits it out, calling it awful and runs off. |
| 927 | -->'''Jackie:''' Well, I guess that’s a lesson every kid’s gotta learn once, huh?\ |
| 928 | '''Roseanne:''' Are you kidding? He does that every single time I bake a cake. |
| 929 | * A paranoid Becky is trying to pump Dan for info about if Mark’s dating someone else. |
| 930 | -->'''Becky:''' Did he smell good when he left?\ |
| 931 | '''Dan:''' I try not to sniff the help, Becky.\ |
| 932 | '''Becky:''' Well, you know what I mean. You’re with him all day.\ |
| 933 | '''Dan:''' And he’s always been a perfect gentleman. Never laid a hand on me. |
| 934 | * After hearing that their childhood home is being demoed, Jackie and Roseanne pay it one last visit. Roseanne points out a vent that let them hear into their parents’ room. |
| 935 | -->'''Jackie:''' The screaming, yelling, and crying.\ |
| 936 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah, we never did hear them having sex… unless that’s what all the crying and yelling was about. |
| 937 | * Jackie tries to stick up for Darlene after her and David snuck off to Chicago for a comic convention. |
| 938 | -->'''Jackie:''' Darlene says that what she did was important.\ |
| 939 | '''Roseanne:''' She said the same thing when she shaved DJ’s head. |
| 940 | [[AC: The Commercial Show]] |
| 941 | * Roseanne manages to get the family to star in a commercial for Rodbell’s. Unfortunately, Darlene’s typical look doesn’t match the image the company’s trying to portray. |
| 942 | -->'''Dan:''' Hey, Beck. Where’s Darlene?\ |
| 943 | '''Becky:''' They said that she couldn’t be in the commercial dressed like death.\ |
| 944 | '''Dan:''' She go home?\ |
| 945 | '''Becky:''' (''Smirking'') Not yet.\ |
| 946 | ''Darlene comes out, stiffly walking while wearing a frilly, flowered dress and pigtails.''\ |
| 947 | '''Darlene:''' [[PreemptiveShutUp Shut Up.]]\ |
| 948 | '''Dan:''' (''Highly Amused'') Why, Darlene, you look - \ |
| 949 | '''Darlene:''' Shut up.\ |
| 950 | '''Dan:''' Oh, come on. It’s not so - \ |
| 951 | '''Darlene:''' Shut up. |
| 952 | * Roseanne ends up being booted out of the commercial and replaced by Jackie but it’s all for naught as the commercial is edited to be just a close up of Darlene sporting the aforementioned look, while biting a french fry and grinning ear to ear. |
| 953 | -->'''Darlene:''' (''Horrified'') Oh, my god!\ |
| 954 | '''Roseanne:''' Man, I’m glad I ain’t her mother. |
| 955 | * After being miserable in Lanford, Kathy Bowman is happy that her family is moving back to Chicago and the news leads to this misunderstanding for the ages. |
| 956 | -->'''DJ:''' You’re only moving to Chicago because your mom needs an operation.\ |
| 957 | '''Todd:''' She does not.\ |
| 958 | '''DJ:''' She does too. My mom said she’s having a big stick taken out of her butt. |
| 959 | * Kathy has brought Todd over to say goodbye to the family and assures DJ that he’ll be allowed to visit them. |
| 960 | -->'''Kathy:''' You’re welcome anytime after we’ve settled in and… (''looking at Roseanne'') after my operation. |
| 961 | [[AC: Therapy]] |
| 962 | * Once again, Roseanne is trying to set Jackie up. |
| 963 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Art’s cute and he’s funny.\ |
| 964 | '''Jackie:''' He looks like the Lucky Charms guy! |
| 965 | * Jackie tells Roseanne that she’s been in therapy for the past two months and it leads to the perfect summation of their relationship. |
| 966 | -->'''Roseanne:''' How come you can talk to some stranger and you can’t talk to me?\ |
| 967 | '''Jackie:''' Because when I tell her my problems, we don’t spend the next hour talking about how that makes ''her'' feel. |
| 968 | * Roseanne ends up joining Jackie for a session and it goes about as well as expected with Roseanne missing the point of every therapy exercise, constantly interrupting Jackie, and criticizing Jackie’s responses to the therapist. |
| 969 | * Dan and Art are checking out a tattoo artist that Arnie has suggested adding to the bike shop. |
| 970 | -->'''Art:''' Personally, I gotta wonder about a guy who’s covered his entire body with tattoos.\ |
| 971 | '''Dan:''' Yeah. Think he’s got one on Mr. Winky? |
| 972 | * Darlene offended a girl at school by making a joke at the girl’s expense. Becky says the girl is going to beat Darlene up but Darlene claims she can talk her way out of it. The episode tag has the entire family in therapy all clamouring for help with their various issues when Darlene apologetically interrupts from off-screen. The camera then cuts to [[BrickJoke Darlene in a neck brace saying it’s time for her medication.]] |
| 973 | [[AC: Lies]] |
| 974 | * Roseanne comes home and starts absolutely screeching up the stairs at Becky about her car taking up too much room in the driveway only for Darlene to inform her Becky isn’t home. |
| 975 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Oh, well, it’s not that important.\ |
| 976 | '''Dan:''' I’m sure she heard you anyway, dear. |
| 977 | * Rodbell’s is administering lie detector tests to the employees after some things go missing. |
| 978 | -->'''Dan:''' What kind of stuff got stolen?\ |
| 979 | '''Roseanne:''' They didn’t even tell us. I didn’t take anything and I really resent Rodbell’s treating me like I’m some common criminal.\ |
| 980 | ''She opens the fridge to reveal almost everything has a "Rodbell’s" label.''\ |
| 981 | '''Roseanne:''' …I’m going to the big house, Dan. |
| 982 | * During the lie detector test, Roseanne cracks under the pressure and outs Leon as gay, and also lets slip that Bonnie has a criminal record. She acts so erratic that Leon is put under the test a second time to answer questions about her. When asked if Roseanne is a good employee, Leon dances around the question a bit but then takes a deep breath and answers 'yes'. The lie detector immediately short circuits. |
| 983 | -->'''Leon:''' I was afraid that might happen. |
| 984 | * In an effort to quell any physical intimacy between David and Darlene, Roseanne tells David he needs to take things very slow and that it was ''years'' before anything happened between her and Dan. Meanwhile, Bonnie overhears the conversation and keeps making incredulous faces at Roseanne’s obvious lies. |
| 985 | * Bitter that Darlene has asked Dan for advice about David but not her, Roseanne starts griping to the point that Dan promises the next time the kids have a problem, he'll send them straight to Roseanne. Just as this is settled, DJ comes in holding a jockstrap. |
| 986 | -->'''Dan:''' What took you so long?\ |
| 987 | '''DJ:''' I have to wear this for gym today and I don’t know how to put it on.\ |
| 988 | '''Dan:''' Sounds like a problem…\ |
| 989 | ''He takes the jockstrap from DJ and attempts to hand it to Roseanne.''\ |
| 990 | '''Dan:''' Want to field this one, honey? |
| 991 | * Just as Dan brags about how well he handled the Darlene and David situation, the two teens start to make out in the driveway. Cut to Dan and Roseanne staring out the window with their jaws dropped. |
| 992 | -->'''Roseanne:''' ''What'' exactly did you tell her, Dan?! |
| 993 | -->'''Dan:''' (''In equal shock'') I just … tried to be there for her. |
| 994 | [[AC: Deliverance]] |
| 995 | * Dan comes home from fixing Crystal’s thermostat and says that she kicked him after he suggested that the thermostat is fine; she’s just having hot and cold flashes due to being pregnant. |
| 996 | -->'''Jackie:''' You’re kidding.\ |
| 997 | '''Dan:''' Then she started crying so I couldn’t even kick her back. |
| 998 | * Dan asks why David is at dinner but not Darlene. |
| 999 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Well, I already invited him, and when Darlene said it was either him or her, I flipped a coin until he won. |
| 1000 | * A management position opens up at Rodbell’s and Roseanne and Bonnie end up in a fight when they both want it. |
| 1001 | -->'''Roseanne:''' And because I’m a lousy waitress, I suppose you’ll fire me.\ |
| 1002 | '''Bonnie:''' I would not.\ |
| 1003 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Scoffs'') And you call yourself management material. |
| 1004 | * Crystal goes into labor early and with Ed on a business trip and Roseanne not answering the phone, it looks like Dan might need to be her birthing partner. She has a request for Dan, assuming that Ed doesn’t show up on time to go into the delivery room. |
| 1005 | -->'''Crystal:''' There’s a video camera in my over night bag. Ed wanted pictures of the birth. If he doesn’t get here can you do it?\ |
| 1006 | '''Dan:''' He’ll be here.\ |
| 1007 | '''Crystal:''' But if he’s not -\ |
| 1008 | '''Dan:''' Roseanne’ll be here.\ |
| 1009 | '''Crystal:''' But if she’s not-\ |
| 1010 | '''Dan:''' Crystal, I don’t want to look and you can’t make me! |
| 1011 | * Roseanne has the phone off the hook so that Bonnie can’t call her. Jackie finally has enough of the dial tone and hangs it up, at which point Bonnie can finally get through and Jackie takes the call. |
| 1012 | --> '''Roseanne:''' What’d she say?\ |
| 1013 | '''Jackie:''' Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you’re and idiot!\ |
| 1014 | ''Beat''\ |
| 1015 | '''Roseanne:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint She called me an idiot?!]] |
| 1016 | [[AC: Secrets]] |
| 1017 | * When Jackie complains of Roseanne being cheap, Crystal shares a time she once tried to save some money. |
| 1018 | -->'''Crystal:''' I once called the instant potato company and said that I found an human hand in the box and the scary thing was… they did not sound surprised. |
| 1019 | * Arnie claims that he was visited by aliens the night before. |
| 1020 | -->'''Arnie:''' The thing talked to me. It said it was here to find out about humans.\ |
| 1021 | '''Dan:''' A thousand million lightyears across the galaxy and it missed by one house. |
| 1022 | * Mark ends up drunk down at the Lobo and Dan comes to bail him out. Mark asks Dan not to let Becky or Roseanne know about the situation so Dan lies to them that he went down to the bike shop after getting a call from the burglar alarm company but that it was a mistake and everything’s fine. Roseanne then seemingly becomes paranoid that burglars were actually there and managed to steal their gold credit card. She refuses to let Dan sleep until he finally agrees to go and check the safe right that second. After he leaves, Roseanne pulls the rug and tells Jackie that she’s just punishing Dan for such an obvious lie: she hasn’t paid the alarm company bill in three months. |
| 1023 | ** The way it’s set up, it seems like Roseanne is lying about owning the gold card as well until the episode tag. |
| 1024 | --->'''Darlene:''' I can’t believe I have to get one little thing just because mom forgot it when she ran to the store. I’m so sick of running these crappy little errands. Someday I’ll walk out that door and never come back. \ |
| 1025 | ''She looks through Roseanne’s purse for money and comes up with the gold card.''\ |
| 1026 | '''Darlene:''' (''Ecstatic'') And today’s the day! |
| 1027 | [[AC: Don't Make Me Over]] |
| 1028 | * While Roseanne and Jackie debate what to get Bev for Mother’s Day, Roseanne stumbles across her present from the kids: a pair of fuzzy, pink slippers. Roseanne recalls that they were actually last year’s gift but she forgot to return them. |
| 1029 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Boy, these are ugly… mom will love them! |
| 1030 | * DJ hasn’t turned in any homework for the past two weeks but he has a good excuse. |
| 1031 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''To Dan'') Well, he’s had a lot of extra responsibilities around here since you died.\ |
| 1032 | '''Dan:''' Did I suffer?\ |
| 1033 | '''Roseanne:''' Nope. Sniper. Clean shot. |
| 1034 | * Roseanne complains about always being the bad cop to Dan’s good cop and that she wants DJ to be mad at Dan for once. |
| 1035 | -->'''Dan:''' Give him time! He’ll turn on me. He’s a Conner boy. Pretty soon we’ll be slugging it out on the front lawn. |
| 1036 | * Dan asks Jackie and the kids to act like they like the ugly nightgown that he bought for Roseanne. |
| 1037 | -->'''Jackie:''' Let me feel - oh, boy. That feels … [[DamnedByFaintPraise fire-retardant.]] |
| 1038 | [[AC: Aliens]] |
| 1039 | * A local politician is going door-to-door trying to drum up votes. Roseanne sees right through everything the man says and eventually follows him to his next house to continue her griping. A few days later, the man stops by the bike shop and starts talking to Dan. Roseanne then comes out of the back room and cheerfully greets the man while [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere he bolts as fast as he can.]] |
| 1040 | * With the Rodbell’s restaurant closing, Leon is nice enough to try and find Roseanne a new job in the mall. Despite his best efforts, he says that Roseanne had waited on too many of the department heads for any of them to be interested. |
| 1041 | * D.J. is participating in a spelling bee and his family is in attendance. When it comes down to just D.J., Dan prays that he gets a word that he knows. The teacher then says the word is "foreclosure". Cut to Roseanne and Dan smiling. |
| 1042 | * Nancy comes over with a note left by Arnie saying that he was abducted by aliens from outer space. |
| 1043 | -->'''Nancy:''' He couldn’t even face me. Instead he leaves me some stupid note about space creatures sent here to bring back intelligent life.\ |
| 1044 | '''Roseanne:''' Boy, are their bosses gonna be ticked. |
| 1045 | ** Dan gets handed Arnie’s note. |
| 1046 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Reading'') Who are the Allens and why are they out of spice? |
| 1047 | * A moping Becky facetiously laments that since there’s no money for her to go to college, she should just marry Mark and move in with her parents. [[HilariousInHindsight The very next episode would see her and Mark get married and eventually move back to the Conner home roughly a year later.]] |
| 1048 | * In honor of DJ’s spelling bee victory, the family celebrates "DJ style" by having an ice cream food fight. |
| 1049 | [[/folder]] |
| 1050 | [[folder: Season 5]] |
| 1051 | [[AC: Terms of Estrangement (1)]] |
| 1052 | * Roseanne is coaching DJ while he talks to bill collectors on the phone. One particular line she gives him is "I’m just a little kid all alone and you’re scaring me." He uses it again later in the episode to get off the phone with Bev. |
| 1053 | * Dan and Roseanne sit the girls down to tell them that the bike shop will be shutting down. |
| 1054 | -->'''Becky:''' Well, what’s going to happen to Mark? You'll help him find another job won't you?\ |
| 1055 | ''Dan starts moving his hands like he's weighing the options.''\ |
| 1056 | '''Dan:''' ''I'' don’t have a job… and ''your mother'' doesn’t have a job… [[SarcasmMode but we’ll make Mark our first priority.]] |
| 1057 | * Roseanne calls Becky out for her lack of support for Dan but luckily Darlene is there to pick up the slack. |
| 1058 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I don’t know why, but I thought maybe the first words out of your mouth might be, "sorry you lost your business, dad. I know how much it meant to you."\ |
| 1059 | '''Darlene:''' I guess it’s going to sound a lot less sincere now when I say it. |
| 1060 | * DJ wants to try and help out with the money woes. |
| 1061 | -->'''DJ:''' If you want it, I still have some birthday money I hid in my closet.\ |
| 1062 | '''Roseanne:''' Awww… no, you don’t, but thanks anyway, DJ. |
| 1063 | * Becky mentions that she didn’t sleep well the night before and Darlene says that she noticed Becky tossing and turning all night. |
| 1064 | -->'''Becky:''' What, do you watch me while I sleep?\ |
| 1065 | '''Darlene:''' (''Completely Monotone'') Yes, Becky. You fascinate me. You know, sometimes the drool on your pillow… it isn’t always yours. |
| 1066 | * A job interview for Roseanne clashes with the closing day for the bike shop, so Jackie eagerly offers to cover for Roseanne until the interview is over. |
| 1067 | -->'''Jackie:''' Come on, let me do it for you. Please let me do it for you!\ |
| 1068 | '''Roseanne:''' God, is this what you’re like on a date? |
| 1069 | ** Apparently, the job interview didn’t go too well. |
| 1070 | --->'''Jackie:''' Hey, Roseanne, tell me you’re employed.\ |
| 1071 | '''Roseanne:''' Hey, Jackie, tell me you’re married. |
| 1072 | [[AC: Terms of Estrangement (2)]] |
| 1073 | * Things are tense around the house when Becky and Mark come home to get their things after eloping, so Becky attempts to break with ice with Roseanne. |
| 1074 | -->''Becky holds up her hand to show Roseanne her wedding ring.''\ |
| 1075 | '''Becky:''' (''Excitedly'') I’m married!\ |
| 1076 | ''Roseanne mockingly holds her wedding ring up the same way.''\ |
| 1077 | '''Roseanne:''' Yeah, me too. Isn’t it fun? |
| 1078 | * The coffee maker is broken and Dan can’t seem to fix it. Meanwhile, Becky mentions that Mark’s parents are giving them some pieces of furniture for their new place. Not to be outdone, Roseanne claims that they have something for the new couple too. |
| 1079 | -->'''Becky:''' You’re kidding! What?\ |
| 1080 | '''Roseanne:''' Uh, um… oh, a coffee maker! |
| 1081 | * Mark refers to Roseanne with his usual "Mrs. Conner" but Darlene thinks it’s time for a change now that Mark’s officially family. |
| 1082 | -->'''Darlene:''' (''Smirking'') Call her "mom". She likes that, don’t you, mom?\ |
| 1083 | '''Roseanne:''' (''While glaring at Darlene'') Well, I guess if I let you call me "mom", why not? |
| 1084 | * Becky and Darlene have a fight about Mark and Becky pushing her and Becky’s beds together. Darlene’s not happy with the outcome, but it’s finally settled that they can push the beds together and Darlene will bunk with DJ. When it’s time for bed, all Dan and Roseanne can hear in their room is Becky and Mark making the mattress squeak… except: |
| 1085 | -->'''Becky:''' Very funny, Darlene. Quit jumping on DJ’s bed. |
| 1086 | [[AC: The Dark Ages]] |
| 1087 | * Trying to entertain themselves after the electricity gets cut, Roseanne starts making shadow puppets for everyone else to guess. |
| 1088 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I told you this was gonna be fun.\ |
| 1089 | '''Darlene:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh, yeah.]] Now let’s play Lizzie Borden. |
| 1090 | * Dan suggests that maybe Roseanne could tell a story to pass the time. |
| 1091 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Well, once upon a time there was these princesses, and they lived in this great, big house all together, and they never left, okay? And they just sat around all the time talking and talking and yammering and yammering, and they killed every single man who ever came over there except for one, who they kept as a pet. And then one time, these two princesses left and then these other ones came on and they really stunk, and -\ |
| 1092 | '''Darlene:''' Mom, that’s Series/DesigningWomen. |
| 1093 | ** DJ tries his hand at storytelling too but he doesn’t do the most riveting job. |
| 1094 | --->'''DJ:''' Okay, um, there was this guy… and he was walking down the street… and he kept walking. Then he found something… and then he lost it. And there was this car… with a guy in it. Then he got something… and there was this dog, and he was barking because the window was open… not so much he could jump out, but um...\ |
| 1095 | '''Darlene:''' ''The end!'' |
| 1096 | * David comes over to work on a comic with Darlene. She tries to take him upstairs but Dan shoots it down and tells the two to work in the kitchen. David ends up caught in the middle with both Darlene and Dan telling him where to go. |
| 1097 | -->'''Dan:''' David, which one of us can hurt you more?\ |
| 1098 | ''David looks back and forth at Dan and Darlene.''\ |
| 1099 | '''David:''' I’m not sure. |
| 1100 | * Jackie comes over and starts obliviously trying to use various kitchen appliances without realizing that none of them are working all while using the phone to check her answering machine. |
| 1101 | -->'''Jackie:''' There’s a message from you on here, Roseanne. What do you need flashlights and candles for?\ |
| 1102 | ''She keeps trying to turn on the blender and finally realizes what’s going on.''\ |
| 1103 | '''Jackie:''' Oh.\ |
| 1104 | '''Roseanne:''' Well, we don’t have any lights, but now we know the speed of stupid. |
| 1105 | * David is caught sneaking out by Roseanne after spending the night because he and Darlene accidentally fell asleep. Roseanne doesn’t buy that nothing happened and insists that she and Darlene need to look into birth control. Darlene refuses, stating that - unlike Becky - she isn’t looking to sleep with anyone anytime soon. They run into Dan in the kitchen and he asks what’s going on. |
| 1106 | -->'''Darlene:''' Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.\ |
| 1107 | '''Dan:''' I-I don’t think that’ll work. |
| 1108 | ** Darlene states that she’s not stupid enough to have sex with her parents in the house. Roseanne insists that David and Darlene could have just been having sex really quietly. |
| 1109 | --->'''Darlene:''' Really? ''You'' can’t!\ |
| 1110 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Mortified'') You mean you can hear us?\ |
| 1111 | '''Darlene:''' Last night I had to tell David you were moving furniture. |
| 1112 | * The episode ends with Laurie Metcalf polishing her Emmy and Roseanne and John Goodman chasing her to try and steal it. |
| 1113 | [[AC: Mommy Nearest]] |
| 1114 | * Jackie has brought her new boyfriend, Fisher, over to meet the family. |
| 1115 | -->'''Roseanne:''' So, Fisher, Jackie tells me that the two of you met at some singles dance. I’m just curious, how come somebody like you would have to go to one of those dances?\ |
| 1116 | '''Jackie:''' Well, 'cause - \ |
| 1117 | '''Roseanne:''' No, I know why ''you'' would. I meant Fisher. |
| 1118 | * There’s a significant age gap between Jackie and Fisher that Roseanne asks Darlene not to comment on when meeting Fisher for the first time. |
| 1119 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Fisher, this is our little Darlene.\ |
| 1120 | '''Darlene:''' Hey, aren’t you in my science class?\ |
| 1121 | '''Roseanne:''' Well, she held out longer than I thought she would. |
| 1122 | * During dinner, Roseanne gets a call from Bev that she’s going to be visiting that weekend. The entire family lets out a collective groan at the news. |
| 1123 | -->'''Darlene:''' Now, that’s how we feel, Fisher, but you’ll probably like Grandma. She’s ''really'' old. |
| 1124 | * Bev gets into her daughters’ good graces by giving them each $10, 000 from her divorce settlement. Jackie and Roseanne profusely thank her only for Bev to pull the rug out from under them by announcing that she’s moving to Lanford. |
| 1125 | -->'''Jackie:''' She knew we would all feel this way, Roseanne. That’s why she’s throwing this money around.\ |
| 1126 | '''Dan:''' Yeah! … What money?\ |
| 1127 | (''Roseanne hands him the cheque.'')\ |
| 1128 | '''Dan:''' Yubba!\ |
| 1129 | '''Jackie:''' She’s just trying to buy us, Dan. Can’t you see that?\ |
| 1130 | '''Dan:''' Yeah, and I think she just found my price. Hell, she could have had me for half. |
| 1131 | * Jackie comes up with an idea to use her money to open a restaurant but leaves out this context when she comes over. |
| 1132 | -->'''Jackie:''' Hey, Roseanne, I’ve got two words for you: loose meat.\ |
| 1133 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Slightly Offended'') Hey, Jackie, I’ve got two words for you too… |
| 1134 | * Roseanne and Jackie tell Bev that they’re okay with her moving to Lanford but only if she agrees to some ground rules. |
| 1135 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Alright, well, first of all -\ |
| 1136 | '''Jackie:''' You can’t leave your house. |
| 1137 | * The doorbell rings and Bev answers the door revealing Fisher. |
| 1138 | -->'''Bev:''' [[BrickJoke Darlene, your boyfriend’s here!]] |
| 1139 | [[AC: Pretty In Black]] |
| 1140 | * DJ spills the beans that Roseanne is planning Darlene a sweet 16. Darlene complains to Dan but Dan tells her to just enjoy herself. |
| 1141 | -->'''Dan:''' Come on, it’s a party. Some cake, ice cream, presents, a few friends… |
| 1142 | '''Darlene:''' (''Outraged'') You invited my friends?\ |
| 1143 | '''Dan:''' Yeah, she seemed like a very sweet girl. |
| 1144 | * Darlene agrees to play along and decides to look on the bright side. |
| 1145 | -->'''Darlene:''' Maybe I’ll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny’s.\ |
| 1146 | '''Dan:''' Denny’s. |
| 1147 | * Darlene comes home to what initially seems like is going to be a big, embarrassing party but it turns out to just be Dan and Roseanne having a bit of fun before letting Darlene go hang out with her friends for the night. |
| 1148 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Surprise! We want you to leave!\ |
| 1149 | '''Darlene:''' Yes! That’s just want I always wanted! |
| 1150 | * After Darlene leaves, Roseanne and her posse hijack the birthday party and proceed to reminisce about their own 16th birthdays. |
| 1151 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Me and Dan went and got really drunk and had sex. If’d known then how many years ahead of me I had of getting drunk and having sex with Dan, I would’ve had the party. |
| 1152 | * The ladies play a game of Truth or Dare. Jackie’s up first and chooses truth. |
| 1153 | -->'''Nancy:''' When was the last time you were felt up at the movies?\ |
| 1154 | '''Jackie:''' Last night.\ |
| 1155 | '''Roseanne:''' You went to the movies by yourself last night. |
| 1156 | ** Roseanne’s next and is dared to go and flash Dan out in the garage. Roseanne strips down without a second thought while sarcastically mentioning how risqué it is to flash her husband of 19 years. She runs off and completes her dare but comes back clearly mortified. |
| 1157 | --->''Dan walks into the kitchen where Roseanne is facepalming while all of the women are trying to figure out what happened.''\ |
| 1158 | '''Dan:''' Rosie… I’d like you to meet our new neighbor, Ty Tilden.\ |
| 1159 | ''Ty awkwardly walks in behind Dan.''\ |
| 1160 | '''Ty:''' Well, you sure know how to make a guy feel welcome. |
| 1161 | [[AC: Looking For Loans In All The Wrong Places]] |
| 1162 | * Darlene and David come home to relieve Molly from babysitting DJ. On her way out the door, Molly flirts with David who seems rather happy about it. |
| 1163 | -->'''Darlene:''' Oh, come on. You don’t go for that flirty, cutesy, Barbie-doll crap, do you?\ |
| 1164 | '''David:''' I don’t know. I guess for some guys, it’d probably make them feel, you know, like a man.\ |
| 1165 | ''Darlene brings David into a hug.''\ |
| 1166 | '''Darlene:''' (''Seductively'') I can make you feel like a man, David.\ |
| 1167 | ''Beat''\ |
| 1168 | '''Darlene:''' (''Normal Voice'') Take out the trash. |
| 1169 | * Darlene busts DJ for using a telescope to spy on Molly getting changed. She tells him off and sends him down for dinner. When he’s gone, she momentarily uses the telescope herself. |
| 1170 | -->'''Darlene:''' [[ACupAngst I knew she stuffed.]] |
| 1171 | * Jackie and Roseanne are using Dan and Fisher as guinea pigs for their loose meat recipe for their restaurant. Jackie giddily mentions how much fun she’s having being in the kitchen serving Fisher food. Roseanne wastes no time in bringing her back down to Earth. |
| 1172 | -->'''Roseanne:''' (''Mockingly Giddy'') Yeah, and if you play your cards right, you get to do it three times a day, every single day, until one of you ''dies''. |
| 1173 | * DJ’s feeling left out of all the restaurant planning so Roseanne promises that he can help too. Before she can stop him, DJ says that he wants to name the restaurant. Knowing what kind of kid [[CloudcuckooLander DJ]] is, everyone braces for impact. |
| 1174 | -->'''Darlene:''' Great. From the boy who named his goldfish "Fluffy". |
| 1175 | * Molly realizes that DJ is peeping and comes over to the house to tell Darlene who mentions that she caught him about a week ago. |
| 1176 | -->'''Molly:''' And you didn’t do anything?\ |
| 1177 | '''Darlene:''' Yeah, I told him he wouldn’t get much money for the pictures. |
| 1178 | ** An angered Molly catches DJ yet again. Darlene calls DJ down and says that he won’t even be able to deny it since she put shoe polish on the eye of his telescope. However, DJ comes into the living room looking completely normal. Molly complains about Darlene’s poor planning while Darlene wonders what went wrong. Cue an oblivious David walking down the stairs with a gigantic black ring around his eye. |
| 1179 | [[AC: Ladies' Choice]] |
| 1180 | * Nancy comes out to Roseanne and Jackie who are shocked and a bit uncomfortable, respectively. Seeing Jackie’s reaction, Nancy decides to have a bit of fun at her expense. |
| 1181 | -->'''Jackie:''' Wait a minute. You and I used to go out looking for guys all the time. We went to all of those singles' dances together.\ |
| 1182 | '''Nancy:''' Singles' dances? I thought we were dating. |
| 1183 | * Roseanne and Jackie try to make sense of the situation, given Nancy’s romantic history. |
| 1184 | -->'''Roseanne:''' So when did you start liking women? I mean, you were married to Arnie.\ |
| 1185 | ''Roseanne gasps.''\ |
| 1186 | '''Roseanne:''' Arnie turned her gay.\ |
| 1187 | '''Jackie:''' Well, sleeping with Arnie would make any woman gay.\ |
| 1188 | ''There's a beat as Jackie suddenly remembers that she also slept with Arnie.''\ |
| 1189 | '''Jackie:''' ''Some'' women. |
| 1190 | * Jackie’s clearly comfortable with Nancy's revelation and Roseanne tries to put her at ease only for Jackie to immediately turn it around on her, with a little help from Darlene. |
| 1191 | -->'''Roseanne:''' She's still your friend. She just happens to be gay.\ |
| 1192 | ''Darlene walks into the kitchen.''\ |
| 1193 | '''Darlene:''' What's for lunch? And who's gay?\ |
| 1194 | '''Roseanne:''' Loose meat. And none of your business.\ |
| 1195 | '''Darlene:''' Oh, I probably already know anyway. It's Dr. Summers, your gynaecologist.\ |
| 1196 | '''Roseanne:''' (''Panicked'') My gynaecologist is a lesbian?!\ |
| 1197 | '''Jackie:''' (''Mockingly'') Hey, she's still your gynaecologist. She just happens to be a lesbian. |
| 1198 | * Roseanne tries to ease into a conversation with Darlene about Nancy. She dances around the subject until Darlene says she's not as naive as Roseanne thinks. While Darlene's line is already entertaining, it certainly takes on a whole new meaning [[HilariousInHindsight after Sara Gilbert came out.]] |
| 1199 | -->'''Darlene:''' Mom, I pretty much already know about lesbians. And what I don't you'd be too embarrassed to tell me. |
| 1200 | ** Darlene is shocked to hear that it’s Nancy. |
| 1201 | --->'''Darlene:''' Whoa, how did you find out? Did she tell you?\ |
| 1202 | '''Roseanne:''' [[AskAStupidQuestion No, we saw the "I'm a big ole dyke" bumper sticker on her car!]] |
| 1203 | * In "Crime and Punishment": |
| 1204 | ** DJ is caught bringing obscene reading material to school and the principal wants to have a conference with Roseanne. Roseanne complains that she always handles these conferences and that it's time Dan took responsibility. When Dan arrives at the school, the principal and his secretary are shocked. Turns out that Dan has had so little involvement with the kids' school that the staff just assumed he was ''dead.'' |
| 1205 | --->'''Secretary''': And you are?\ |
| 1206 | '''Dan''': Dan Conner, DJ's father.\ |
| 1207 | '''DJ''': No he's not! I don't know who he is! Don't make me go home with him!\ |
| 1208 | '''Dan''': He's kidding. Tell the nice lady you're kidding, Deej.\ |
| 1209 | '''DJ''': How do you know my name? |
| 1210 | ** This exchange: |
| 1211 | --->'''Jackie''': What kind of obscene reading material did DJ have?\ |
| 1212 | '''Roseanne''': Well, either one of Dan's ''Playboy''s or our credit report. |
| 1213 | ** Said 'obscene reading material' turns out to be an underground comic that Darlene made. Roseanne flips through it in shock, then suddenly snorts. "That was a funny part," she admits. |
| 1214 | ** Roseanne and Jackie get into an argument over Jackie not making any time for Roseanne with her relationship, which leads to Jackie storming out of work and to this exchange: |
| 1215 | --->'''Jackie''': You better take a long, hard look at yourself, Roseanne. [[TheReasonYouSuckSpeech Because if you are this obsessed with my life, there is something obviously missing from yours!]] ''(Files out)''\ |
| 1216 | '''Roseanne''': ''(Beat)'' [[InsultBackfire You just figured that out?!]] ''(Slams door shut)'' |
| 1217 | ** After beating up Fisher, Dan returns home carrying a bucket of fried chicken. The following exchange is priceless: |
| 1218 | --->'''Roseanne''': Oh god! You didn't kill him and then buy chicken, did you?\ |
| 1219 | '''Dan''': Nah, I bought the chicken first.\ |
| 1220 | '''Roseanne''': I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?\ |
| 1221 | '''Dan''': Well, it started out that way. \ |
| 1222 | '''Roseanne''': What'd he say? \ |
| 1223 | '''Dan''': Well, if I remember correctly, "Ouch, ouch. My head." Something along those lines. \ |
| 1224 | '''Roseanne''': Better put some alcohol on that [his hand].\ |
| 1225 | '''Dan''': Good idea! ''(opens the fridge and takes out a beer)'' |
| 1226 | ** When Dan gets arrested for beating up Fisher, he agrees to go along quietly. But as he leaves, he says, "I'll drive." |
| 1227 | ** Roseanne puts a piece of fried chicken in Dan's mouth to eat on the way to jail, because he hadn't eaten dinner yet. |
| 1228 | ** During the end credits: while the police cruiser waits at a stop light, the cop, who knows Dan's usually a GentleGiant, reassures him that Rosie will bail Dan out before anyone can possibly find out about the arrest. Seconds later, who should pull up beside them but [[BrickJoke DJ's principal, whom Dan met for the first time that day.]] Dan gives a sheepish little wave, to which the principal pointedly locks his car door. |
| 1229 | * The episode "War and Peace" may be a Moment of Awesome for Dan as he beats up Jackie's abusive boyfriend, Fisher, but it has a lot of funny moments as well. |
| 1230 | ** Roseanne goes to the hospital with Jackie and sends Darlene to bail out her father. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Il8jV6r-tk It goes about as well for Dan as you'd expect.]] |
| 1231 | --->'''Darlene''': Well, well, well...\ |
| 1232 | '''Dan''': Oh... man.\ |
| 1233 | '''Darlene''': My, my, my, my, my.\ |
| 1234 | '''Dan''': What are you doing here?\ |
| 1235 | '''Darlene''': You know I bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.\ |
| 1236 | '''Dan''': Where's your mom?\ |
| 1237 | '''Darlene''': Organizing the candlelight vigil.\ |
| 1238 | '''Dan''': Come on, Darlene, I don't have time for this!\ |
| 1239 | '''Darlene''': Oh, I think you do.\ |
| 1240 | {{Beat}}\ |
| 1241 | '''Darlene''': She took Aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor so I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.\ |
| 1242 | '''Dan''': Give me the money.\ |
| 1243 | '''Darlene''': Alright, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.\ |
| 1244 | '''Dan''': Now!\ |
| 1245 | '''Darlene''': Prison's hardened you.\ |
| 1246 | '''Dan''': Now get in there and tell Ray to let me out of here.\ |
| 1247 | '''Darlene''': OK. By the way, Dad, I think it was a really cool thing that you did.\ |
| 1248 | '''Dan''': Thanks.\ |
| 1249 | '''Darlene''': I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house...\ |
| 1250 | ''(short {{beat}})''\ |
| 1251 | '''Darlene''': Mom says we have a new daddy now. |
| 1252 | ** Dan tries to have an honest discussion with DJ about why he was in jail: |
| 1253 | --->'''DJ''': Why'd you hit [Fisher]?\ |
| 1254 | '''Dan''': He was mean to your aunt Jackie in a way that's much different from the way your mom and grandma are mean to her. |
| 1255 | * An earlier episode has Roseanne telling Bev that Nancy is a lesbian. Bev thinks this is Roseanne pulling a prank in an attempt to make Bev put her foot in her mouth. Bev immediately plays along and says that ''of course'' Nancy’s a lesbian. |
| 1256 | --->'''Bev:''' ''(Facetiously)'' She’s a lesbian, you’re a lesbian, [[HilariousInHindsight I’m a lesbian,]] we’re ''all'' lesbians! I’m not falling for it Roseanne. |
| 1257 | * Roseanne letting loose on Arnold after he returns from abandoning Nancy and claiming he was abducted by aliens. |
| 1258 | -->'''Roseanne''': HOW could you tell Nancy that you were abducted by ''space aliens''?! There's NOT EVEN A TWELVE-STEP PROGRAM FOR '''THAT!!!''' |
| 1259 | * When Roseanne refuses to let sixteen-year-old Darlene drop out of high school (even though she plans to take an equivalence test so she can start applying to colleges), Darlene and David drive to a secluded spot to fill out applications in secret. A cop steps up, shines a light in the window, and asks the teens what they're doing in there. David replies "Filling out applications for college," while Darlene adds plaintively, "My mom won't let us do it in the house." |
| 1260 | * [[http://youtu.be/aN70xGUF2XE Jackie tells their Auntie Barbara that their father has passed away.]] "DAD'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD! NO, ''DEAD''! '''DEAAAAAD!''' [[RageQuit HE'S FINE,]] [[BlatantLies HE SENDS HIS LOVE!]]" |
| 1261 | [[/folder]] |
| 1262 | [[folder: Seasons 6 - 9]] |
| 1263 | * In the episode "Be My Baby", Roseanne is complaining about trying to get pregnant... |
| 1264 | -->'''Roseanne''': Oh, poor Dan. He has to sit here with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life.\ |
| 1265 | '''Dan''': Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to ''shut up.'' |
| 1266 | ** The same episode, Jackie repeatedly tries to tell Fred that she's pregnant with his baby, but can't bring herself to look him in the eye while she gives him the news. Finally she blurts out the news through the bathroom door while he's using it (on the logic that if he's angry, he's too busy to come after her) before she runs away. A {{beat}} later, we get his voice from inside: |
| 1267 | --->'''Fred''': Wow, good thing I was sitting down. |
| 1268 | * In the episode "Party Politics", D.J. starts skipping school, Darlene finds out, and to spite Roseanne who previously tried to get her and David back together doesn't tell her mother and helps D.J. by pretending to be her when the school calls. Roseanne becomes more and more annoyed as her attempts to get information out of D.J., Darlene and even David fail only to thwart the kids' plan in the final two minutes of the episode... |
| 1269 | -->'''Darlene''': ''(posing as Roseanne thinking the phone call is from the school)'' Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No he hasn't been able to make it he has been very sick.\ |
| 1270 | ''(Cut to Fred handing the phone over to Roseanne)''\ |
| 1271 | '''Roseanne''': Don't mess with the master Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble I'm going to make you wish I was never born. Oh! And by the way, I know you and David made up too.\ |
| 1272 | '''Darlene''': How did you figure that out?\ |
| 1273 | '''Roseanne''': {{You just told me}}! ''(hangs up phone)'' |
| 1274 | * As a result of Roseanne’s meddling, Dan and Fred end up learning far too much about each other’s sex lives and aren’t happy about it, so Dan gets home and starts in on Roseanne. |
| 1275 | --->'''Dan:''' Guess… what… happened… today.\ |
| 1276 | '''Roseanne:''' Everyone… talked… real… slow.\ |
| 1277 | '''Dan:''' How ''dare'' you?!\ |
| 1278 | '''Roseanne:''' Because I felt like it, that’s why!\ |
| 1279 | '''Dan:''' Do you know what I’m talking about?\ |
| 1280 | '''Roseanne:''' No, but I don’t like your tone! |
| 1281 | * In the last Thanksgiving episode, “Home is Where the Afghan Is”, Bev goes on a huge anti-man tirade and accidentally reveals that she is a lesbian. Cue hilarious reactions from everyone at the dinner table and Darlene calmly snarks: |
| 1282 | -->'''Darlene''': Well, I think Grandma’s just outed herself! |
| 1283 | ** This line becomes even funnier when you think about Sarah Gilbert's coming out as a lesbian. |
| 1284 | ** Then Nana Mary reveals that she’s known since Bev was a little girl. “She always liked flannel!” |
| 1285 | ** Leon and Scott’s response is hilarious, too. |
| 1286 | --->'''Leon:''' Welcome to the club, Bev.\ |
| 1287 | '''Scott:''' We'll teach you the secret handshake! |
| 1288 | * Roseanne takes her car keys and storms out of the house after learning that Dan had lunch with an old classmate who was also a one night stand of Dan’s. |
| 1289 | -->'''Jackie:''' Oh, this is bad. |
| 1290 | -->'''Dan:''' I know. Rosie’s never left before. |
| 1291 | -->'''Jackie:''' No, this is ''really'' bad. I’m parked behind her. |
| 1292 | * The trick Darlene, David, Becky, and Mark play on D.J. to make him think he's going insane. |
| 1293 | * The episode where David gets a job at an amusement park. First, there's when Roseanne tells him why she's taking him away: "Five words, David -- you're dressed like a rabbit." Then there's the "deprogramming" scene: |
| 1294 | -->'''Roseanne''': All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy. You frown, you're introspective, and you mope.\ |
| 1295 | '''David''': I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening...\ |
| 1296 | '''Roseanne''': Listen to me, David! We don't ''whistle'' while we ''work''! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise!\ |
| 1297 | '''David''': Oh no, no, no, no!\ |
| 1298 | '''Roseanne''': Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that David? 'Cause I am an ''expert'' on what is mediocre. ''[David starts breathing heavily through his teeth]'' That's good! You hate me now, don't you David? You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?\ |
| 1299 | '''David''': No, no, no I don't! You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!\ |
| 1300 | '''Roseanne''' ''[slaps him]'': Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! Rabbits and geese and goats are not people! They don't sing and dance! They're ''food''!! |
| 1301 | ** David then breaks down in ridiculous sobbing as Roseanne holds him to her chest and says "Welcome home, son." |
| 1302 | ** The whole episode is a glorious TakeThat to ABC/Disney, after the network previously forced the producers to make what amounted to an infomercial for Disney World (the House of Mouse had recently acquired the network). |
| 1303 | *** There's some debate on whether or not the show was "forced" to make a Disney episode. Both Barr and Goodman stated in separate interviews that all the other more squeaky-clean, family-friendly shows in ABC's lineup (''Step By Step,'' ''Full House,'' etc.) were getting free trips to Disney World, while ''Roseanne'' was treated like the red-headed stepchild the network was ashamed of. Their version implies that the cast had to ''demand'' they get a trip, too. Barr went on to say she found the experience at Disney World so micromanaged and polished that it struck her as the antithesis of all the comfortable chaos of the Conner family, hence the backlash episode. Whatever the real story, TakeThat, Disney! |
| 1304 | * In the initial Disney World two-parter, Becky was played by Creator/SarahChalke, recently returned to the cast; previously her role had been played by Creator/LecyGoranson. Becky reacts with excitement to learning the family's going to Disneyland, to which Roseanne replies, "[[BreakingTheFourthWall Aren't you glad you're here this week?]]" |
| 1305 | ** Even better is the moment when Chalke comes in--and the actors freeze in place while a voiceover comes out of nowhere to declare that "The part of Becky Conner, originally played by Lecy Goranson, then Sarah Chalke, then Lecy Goranson, will tonight be played by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography of this performance is strictly prohibited by law." |
| 1306 | ** When the Conners hop aboard their plane, they end up annoying all of the other passengers. Even better is when Roseanne takes little Jerry into the first-class section of the plane by accident, and the whole family slowly follows her (Bev gets the best moment when she [[WithCatlikeTread loudly declares her plan to sneak into first class too]] and screams "I'M JOINING YOU!" as she passes through the curtain). When the cabin crew finds out, they promptly let the Conners stay in first-class, as it was easier on everyone else aboard. |
| 1307 | ** At one point on the flight, Mark asks Dan [[TooDumbToLive why the passengers aren't weightless.]] Dan's reply? "We are, Mark, I'm just wearing special shoes." |
| 1308 | * The episode when a competing diner opens across the street from The Lunch Box, and Roseanne plots ways to sabotage it. |
| 1309 | -->'''DJ''': ''[with [fake] blood pouring out of his mouth]'' There's glass in the salad!\ |
| 1310 | '''Roseanne''': Now, don't waste all those capsules or you'll have to bite real glass. |
| 1311 | * [[http://youtu.be/CeTjUhAxabM?t=5m23s Roseanne and Jackie chasing down a sexist trucker.]] |
| 1312 | ** And then promptly causing him to get in an accident. |
| 1313 | ** Roseanne's response to his bumper sticker: |
| 1314 | --->'''Roseanne''': "Save the whales, harpoon a fat chick." ''(short beat)'' PULL UP TO HIM, JACKIE! |
| 1315 | ** This becomes funnier when Jerry, who is in a car seat, tries to join in (well, as close a baby can do). |
| 1316 | * "Sherwood Schwartz: A Loving Tribute" features an extended fantasy sequence parodying ''Series/GilligansIsland''. Jackie is Gilligan, Dan is the Skipper, Mark is the Professor, Darlene is Mary Ann, Leon and Bev are the Howells, and Roseanne is Ginger. And for some reason, David is there... and can't seem to find the basement. The end credits feature the surviving ''Gilligan'' cast playing the ''Roseanne'' characters in response... and David still wondering what's going on. |
| 1317 | ** Highlights of the ''Gilligan'' cast include Bob Denver (Gilligan) in drag as Jackie, Dawn Wells (Mary-Ann) dressed all in black and declaring that she hates the whole family, and Russell Johnson as Mark; since Mark, unlike the other characters, lacks an iconic wardrobe, Johnson just says that he's Mark and then remarks "God, I'm dumb." |
| 1318 | ** As Gilligan!Jackie runs by screaming and covered in lobsters: |
| 1319 | --->'''Roseanne:''' [[SarcasmMode Oh great.]] [[AwardSnub Here comes another Emmy.]] |
| 1320 | * In "What a Day for a Daydream": |
| 1321 | -->'''Darlene''': [David] thinks he's having pregnancy pains. Tell him that that's not possible.\ |
| 1322 | '''Roseanne''': Well, I don't know, Darlene. When my water broke, your father wet his pants. |
| 1323 | * Fred has been getting too close to Bev for Jackie’s liking. |
| 1324 | -->'''Fred:''' (''To Bev'') Thanks, mom. |
| 1325 | -->'''Jackie:''' Don’t you dare call her ‘mom’. You may call her ‘Bev’ or ‘Sea Hag’. |
| 1326 | * In "Couch Potatoes," Dan intends to fix the couch: |
| 1327 | -->'''Dan:''' When I get done, it'll be as good as new.\ |
| 1328 | '''Bev:''' This couch is pretty old and ratty. Why don't you just throw it out?\ |
| 1329 | '''Dan:''' Well, around here we don't throw things out just cause they're old and ratty. I mean, hell, they could be old, ratty and ''annoying'', and we'd still keep them around. |
| 1330 | ** Roseanne has two great [[DeadpanSnarker lines]] in the same episode: first, when Dan accidentally breaks the couch. "Well, there goes that family of kittens." And later, when Bev gives her old couch to them. "It smells like Mom; it feels like Mom. It's like sitting on MOM!" |
| 1331 | * Darlene is going away to college and asks if David can drive her instead of her parents. Roseanne is hurt because she had the whole day planned but plays it off and agrees. Dan tells Roseanne to just tell Darlene that she wants to take her but Roseanne refuses and asks Dan to say that he’s not ok with it. Dan said that won’t matter since Roseanne already agreed. Roseanne attempts a work-around. |
| 1332 | -->'''Roseanne''' You could forbid me to do that. |
| 1333 | -->'''Dan:''' In what universe? |
| 1334 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Please, Dan, please, forbid me. I thought you were supposed to be the man of the house. |
| 1335 | -->'''Dan:''' Oh, you did ''not''! |
| 1336 | * Roseanne tells Dan that he needs to talk to DJ after the latter [[HormoneAddledTeenager starts spending too much time in the bathroom.]] |
| 1337 | -->'''Dan:''' (''Groaning'') Oh, why me? |
| 1338 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Cause it’s your turn. I talked to the girls after they got their periods. |
| 1339 | -->'''Dan:''' I talked to the girls after they got their periods. |
| 1340 | -->'''Roseanne:''' I mean I talked to the girls ''about'' their periods! |
| 1341 | * Roseanne got to plan Leon's wedding in "December Bride" and turned into what Leon thought of as "every gay stereotype merged into one" including drag queens, pictures of Cher and Liza Minnelli everywhere, male strippers, and because they couldn't get a plastic figurine of two grooms for the cake, they settled for one of a groom and an action figure from ''WesternAnimation/{{Pocahontas}}''. |
| 1342 | ** When Jackie is looking through a selection of male strippers to hire, D.J. looks at one of the catalogs and says "Cool!" Dan worriedly asks why D.J. would say that while looking at those pictures, and D.J. responded "because that one's my math teacher!" |
| 1343 | ** Leon gets cold feet and tries to leave through the bathroom window, when he gets stopped by Roseanne and the two get into an argument about Leon's pathetic reasons. |
| 1344 | --->'''Leon''': Scott says he is not himself in the morning until he has a Pop Tart. Well, what if they stop making Pop Tarts?!\ |
| 1345 | '''Roseanne''' (''over Leon's arguing''): Leon, LEON, ''LISTEN TO ME''. THEY WILL ''NEVER'' STOP MAKING '''''POP TARTS'''''!!! |
| 1346 | ** And then Leon says what if he isn't really gay at all. |
| 1347 | --->'''Roseanne''': You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.\ |
| 1348 | '''Leon''': Oh yeah, well think about it. [[StraightGay I hate to shop, I am absolutely insensitive, I detest Barbara Streisand, and for God's sake I'm a Republican!]]\ |
| 1349 | '''Roseanne''': But do you like having sex with men?\ |
| 1350 | '''Leon''': Well it's-\ |
| 1351 | '''Roseanne''': GAY! |
| 1352 | ** And the one thing that snaps Leon out of it? Kissing Roseanne. |
| 1353 | --->'''Leon''': I'm gay. Let's do it. |
| 1354 | * "The Fifties Show" was a potshot at 1950s sitcoms done in black-and-white and presented as the "lost pilot" to Roseanne. The episode opened with Roseanne in a recliner, drinking a glass of brandy and smoking a cigarette in a fancy holder, addressing the audience in a fancy speaking voice. |
| 1355 | -->'''Roseanne''': Good evening. My name is Roseanne Barr-Pentland-Arnold-Thomas, or as I like to call me, Roseanne. What you are about to see is the original ''Roseanne'' show pilot. It has been lost for some forty years, along with my ''mind''. The difference is that this episode has been found. Love to all my fans. Enjoy. |
| 1356 | ** The scene then ends with Roseanne slowly puckering up her lips in an exaggerated way as she brings the cigarette holder to her mouth. |
| 1357 | ** The lost pilot itself, called "That's Our Rosey," has some great moments as well, as it includes tons of DeliberateValuesDissonance. For example, in a mock-commercial, Dan doesn't like his current brand of cigarette and thinks about quitting, so Roseanne offers him the brand that doctors recommend. They then give the little boy playing their AdorablyPrecociousChild a stuffed version of the cigarette mascot, who is smoking...and the child promptly sticks cigarettes into his mouth himself with a big smile on his face. |
| 1358 | ** Jackie plays "Wacky Jackie," the silly neighbor next door, and happily discusses her husband's [[CrossesTheLineTwice beating her up]] whenever she makes mistakes. It's treated so outlandishly casually that you can't help but laugh. |
| 1359 | * Dan's explanation for why he didn't throw away Roseanne's old weed in "A Stash from the Past". |
| 1360 | -->'''Dan:''' But as I watched it float helplessly, I thought to myself, "Am I really ready for this part of my life to be over?" The next thing I knew, I was down on my knees with your hair dryer and the aquarium net. |
| 1361 | ** The whole scene in the bathroom is packed with funny: Roseanne sobbing that she's a terrible mother because if one of the kids ever needs an organ transplant, she can't give them hers because "they're all full of pot"; Jackie, who's hiding in the bathtub, becoming confused that she's actually in the sink ("Am I shrinking?"); Dan suddenly deciding that "D.J." is a weird name and wondering why they decided to call their son that. Probably all the funnier if you've known (or are) a pot-smoker, since all of it's only a very slight exaggeration of the kind of weird thoughts people find themselves having while high. |
| 1362 | ** And the end, after Dan and Roseanne have decided to go sober up: |
| 1363 | -->'''Jackie:''' Hey, guys? I don't think this stuff's workin'... |
| 1364 | * DJ’s date, Lisa, comes over to meet the family before they get driven to a school dance. [[Creator/AshleyJohnson Lisa]] proves to be a bossy, imposing little girl who manages to even intimidate Dan. |
| 1365 | -->'''Lisa:''' Who’s driving us? |
| 1366 | -->'''DJ:''' David. |
| 1367 | -->'''Lisa:''' (''To Dan'') You David? |
| 1368 | -->'''Dan:''' No, ma’am! - I mean, ‘no’. |
| 1369 | ** David, Dan, and DJ are all sporting some unfortunate haircuts at the time. Lisa quickly cuts them down to size. |
| 1370 | --->'''Lisa:''' Man, who gets drunk and cuts this family’s hair? |
| 1371 | ** In the second to last scene, DJ and David's conversation after Roseanne and Dan's talk with him reveals the real reason DJ is dating Lisa: [[spoiler: she's slipping him the tongue.]] |
| 1372 | * In the last Halloween episode, "Satan, Darling," Roseanne realizes that the names of Darlene's creepy neighbors are an anagram for "[[Film/RosemarysBaby Evil Demon Satan]]." |
| 1373 | -->'''Roseanne''': And look they also spell "Save Damien, Not L." And Damien was that horrible devil child from ''[[Film/TheOmen1976 The Omen]]''!\ |
| 1374 | '''Darlene''': Who's L?\ |
| 1375 | '''Roseanne''': I dunno. |
| 1376 | ** And of course this just becomes hilarious when ''Manga/DeathNote'' is added to the equation. |
| 1377 | ** The guest appearances of Edina and Patsy from ''Series/AbsolutelyFabulous''. |
| 1378 | *** Patsy and Jackie both think the other's a guy, and then Patsy mentions she actually was for a year before "It dropped off." |
| 1379 | *** Edina tries to convince Roseanne to make her her publicist. When Roseanne says she has four kids, Edina says they have to get rid of at least two and will try to get Mia Farrow to adopt them. |
| 1380 | *** Edina saying they can clone Jackie O. ala ''Film/JurassicPark'' from blood on a used razor. |
| 1381 | *** Everybody proceeding to get drunker and drunker, leading up to Edina crawling into Roseanne's bathroom stall to negotiate with her before finally passing out during the credits. And no one notices or gives a shit. What makes it better is that the rest of the credits are just her on the floor before she finally wakes up. |
| 1382 | *** Roseanne's drunken rant defending Kathie Lee Gifford using child labor. |
| 1383 | *** The girls trying to wake up Roseanne after she passes out. When informed she had ten martinis and "that thing" Patsy gave her, Patsy immediately pulls out a funnel and suggests pumping her stomach. Edina tries slapping Roseanne awake before Jackie tells her to step aside... and punches her. |
| 1384 | ** While looking for Darlene in her satanist neighbors' apartment, Roseanne briefly stops to check out a framed painting of the design from the [[RunningGag infamous chicken sweater]], and looks very disturbed and unnerved by it. |
| 1385 | ** When first meeting the group of witches, they try to get her to drink a suspicious potion, but Roseanne says she'll only take it from "That witch!" Cue Marlo Thomas about to go through the opening credits of ''Series/ThatGirl'' before she has to tell the background music to "Stop it!" |
| 1386 | * The ending jokes are sometimes the funniest parts of the whole episode. Some memorable moments include the Two Beckys parody of the Patty Duke credits, and Fabio. |
| 1387 | * In one episode, David has a sex dream about Roseanne. Dan's reaction when he finds out? |
| 1388 | -->'''Dan:''' (completely deadpan) Well I see no choice dear, you must give yourself to him. |
| 1389 | * In "The Parenting Trap" DJ is having spontaneous erections at school and is embarrassed to go up to the board. Dan talks to him, but Roseanne doesn't like his solution ("Put a book in front of it"), so she sits DJ down for a heart to heart and tells him about when she got her first period. Cue DJ '''running screaming from the room!''' |
| 1390 | -->Dan: "Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?" |
| 1391 | -->DJ: "Mom just told me a story and I don't wanna hear it anymore!" |
| 1392 | -->Dan: "Well that's no reason to run from the room ''screaming'' like a maniac!" |
| 1393 | -->DJ: "It was about her having her period!" |
| 1394 | -->Dan: "...As you were." |
| 1395 | -->DJ: (running up the stairs)"I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!!!" |
| 1396 | * In "Two For One", Roseanne walks into the basement to confront Darlene and David while they're both lying on the bed reading. |
| 1397 | -->'''Roseanne''': You two ''are'' having sex! |
| 1398 | -->'''Darlene''': We are? David, why didn't you tell me? I'd have put my book down. |
| 1399 | * One of the last episodes has Dan’s mom, Audrey, visiting after being released from a mental institution. She says that she will be fine as long as she stays on her meds. Roseanne watches Audrey put her meds in her mouth but looks away for the briefest second to tell Dan where the towels are. [[HypocriticalHumor As Roseanne starts complaining about people being oblivious to things right in front of them, Audrey spits her pills into her hand.]] Roseanne looks back just in time to see Audrey having supposedly taken her pills and they smile at each other. [[HilarityEnsues Things go off the rails from there.]] |
| 1400 | [[/folder]] |
| 1401 | |
| 1402 | [[folder: Season 10 (Revival)]] |
| 1403 | * The show’s return naturally takes jabs at some of season 9's more infamous decisions, and takes the piss with other infamous moments. |
| 1404 | ** The very first scene has Roseanne wake Dan up from a deep but peaceful slumber, assuming he was deceased. |
| 1405 | -->'''Dan''': Why does everybody think I'm dead? |
| 1406 | ** Dan later happens upon the book Roseanne was writing and states that it would’ve been successful had she not killed off “the most interesting character” (referring to himself). |
| 1407 | -->'''Dan''': He was a gentle giant. |
| 1408 | ** Becky decides to become a surrogate. And who plays the woman she's having it for? Her [[TheOtherDarrin brief replacement]] actress, Sarah Chalke. |
| 1409 | * When Becky announces she’s being a surrogate for a woman (Andrea), and says all she has to do is fill in forms and answer questions, which then leads to this: |
| 1410 | --> '''Mary:''' Daddy, is that how you have a baby? |
| 1411 | --> '''DJ:''' (Trying to think about what to say) Yes... |
| 1412 | ** And then Becky says that Andrea will pay her $50,000 for carrying the baby, leading to this comment from Roseanne. |
| 1413 | --> '''Roseanne:''' Wow! just for having a baby? Dan you owe me $200,000! |
| 1414 | * Throughout the first episode of [[{{Revival}} Season 10]], we're led to believe Jackie voted for UsefulNotes/HillaryClinton, and that's why she's fighting with Roseanne. Turns out she panicked and voted for Jill Stein. |
| 1415 | -->'''Roseanne''': Who's Jill Stein? |
| 1416 | -->'''Jackie''': Some doctor! |
| 1417 | ** Either funnier or less funny with the fact that Jill Stein was also the Green party nominee in 2012, beating out Roseanne Barr herself for the nomination |
| 1418 | * Roseanne asks Andrea if she’ll be watching Becky having sex with Andrea’s husband. |
| 1419 | * The end of ''Dress to Impress'' answers the Scottish Question (no, UK politics wonks, the ''other'' Scottish Question) when Mark climbs on some stacked furniture to sink a basket. Initially Dan spots him but then winces and looks away when he got to the top. |
| 1420 | --> '''Dan''' (to Darlene): OK, the kid doesn't have to wear pants every day, but you at least gotta get him some underwear! |
| 1421 | * Dan's commentary as he races the automatic chair against Roseanne as if he were a horse racing announcer. |
| 1422 | * Roseanne dunking Harris' head in the sink in "Roseanne Gets the Chair". It's so sudden and shocking that it reaches CrossingTheLineTwice territory. |
| 1423 | -->'''Roseanne:''' Welcome to the Hillbilly Day Spa! |
| 1424 | * In "Eggs Over, Not Easy", Becky brings home a dog and shows him off to her siblings, DJ however says he can't go near one due to believing he's "allergic". Darlene tells him that he was never allergic to Dogs and Roseanne only said that because she didn't want a dog in the house. DJ leaves saddened due to now knowing he could have had a dog all this time. |
| 1425 | * Bev getting kicked out of her nursing home. [[{{Squick}} For having A LOT of sex.]] With multiple people... at once. |
| 1426 | * When Mark offers to Help Dan with a birdhouse, he asked the question of why they even bother with a house when they have trees. Dan does him one better and ask "Why do we cut down the trees, to build the tree house?", blowing Mark's mind. |
| 1427 | --> '''Dan''': One day you will have a brownie in college, and it will make it even better. |
| 1428 | * In "Go Cubs", Roseanne suspects her new Muslim neighbors of being terrorists. Her reasoning? |
| 1429 | --> '''Roseanne''': Any time something bad happens it's always somebody who lives next door to somebody.\ |
| 1430 | '''Jackie''': Oh my God, you've figured it out. Terrorists are always neighbors. So all we have to do is arrest ''everybody''. |
| 1431 | ** The reason they have so much fertilizer stockpiled? Because the husband (Samir) didn't realize repeatedly hitting the 'Buy' button on Amazon put in a separate order. |
| 1432 | ** Roseanne states that she is freaked out by the fertilizer because she saw on the news that it can be used to make bombs. Jackie’s having none of it: |
| 1433 | --->'''Jackie:''' First of all, it wasn’t the news: [[TakeThat it was Fox News.]] |
| 1434 | ** A long pay-off: Roseanne's granddaughter Mary is only able to facetime with her mom in Afghanistan at two in the morning American time. Because the Conners weren't able to pay the internet bill, Mary's in danger of missing the call, leading a desperate Roseanne to beg her neighbors to let her borrow their WiFi password--at two in the morning. Later, when the neighbor's wife Fatima's bank card doesn't work at the store, Roseanne pays for her items to spare her embarrassment. Still later, Fatima's husband Samir turns up at the Conners' to repay her for the groceries. Roseanne thanks him but says he didn't have to do it at two in the morning. [[DeadpanSnarker Samir replies, "Yes I did."]] |
| 1435 | [[/folder]] |
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