| 1 | Below, you will find THE WHOLE SERIES...so far. |
| 2 | |
| 3 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 4 | |
| 5 | [[folder: General]] |
| 6 | * Jo and Alan are always good together: |
| 7 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': Who are the lords of shouting?\ |
| 8 | '''Jo Brand''' and '''Alan Davies''': WE ARE!! |
| 9 | ** Also: |
| 10 | --->'''Jo Brand''': Can I just say something that's very strange? Because there's some German chewing gum called Spunk, and, um, you do have to be careful you don't swallow it - but in fact, I actually talked about that chewing gum on Creator/CliveJames's show with you ''[pointing at Stephen]'' and Princess Diana! Do you remember? Seriously! |
| 11 | --->'''Alan Davies''': ''[wearily]'' That was a ''dream''. You've got to sort these out. |
| 12 | ** Another great collaboration as Dara was relating his early piano lessons: |
| 13 | --->'''Dara Ó Briain''': Left and right for me was always, erm -- just maybe because I learnt them at the same time was the hand that played the "dun dun dun dun" on the piano-- and this was the melody hand. |
| 14 | --->'''Alan Davies''': ''[aside to Jo]'' Look at him with his tough working-class background. |
| 15 | --->'''Jo Brand''': Oh, I know! |
| 16 | *** Dara's answer is also worth mentioning. |
| 17 | ---->'''Dara''': I had to play piano to get out of the ghetto -- you don't ''know'' how hard it was! I had to play piano ''hard'', my friend! |
| 18 | ** There's a great one when Stephen introduces the round on phrenology/physiognomy by asking how he could tell Alan is a criminal just by looking at him. Jo abruptly says, "Is it the shifty little eyes, pointy nose, and just general sort of little pug face?" and then ''cracks up'' all on her own while the audience gasps at Alan's stricken expression. |
| 19 | --->'''Alan:''' Never seen you happier! Never seen you happier! That's the happiest I've ever seen you!\ |
| 20 | '''Phill:''' That one's been building up for twenty years!\ |
| 21 | '''Alan:''' "Someday I'm really gonna tell you what I think of you! When will that opportunity arise?" |
| 22 | *** He's vindicated somewhat a bit later when all their "readings" turn out to be equally bad and Jo's describes her as, among other things, [[DirtyOldWoman "venerous"]]. |
| 23 | ---->'''Stephen''': As in "venereal".\ |
| 24 | '''Jo''': Like, disease?!\ |
| 25 | '''Alan''': ''[to Jo]'' Ha, ha. |
| 26 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSeRzNPxJx0&feature=related From the "Birds" episode]] (starts about a minute in): |
| 27 | --->'''Alan:''' What's the national bird of England? |
| 28 | --->'''Jo:''' I'll tell you what it is for women. Thrush. |
| 29 | --->'''Alan:''' You know what it is for men? |
| 30 | --->'''Jo:''' Um... |
| 31 | --->'''Alan:''' Cock. |
| 32 | --->'''Jo:''' There. Sorted! |
| 33 | --->'''Alan:''' Cock and Thrush. [[AGoodNameForARockBand Good name for a pub.]] |
| 34 | * All the buzzers are pretty funny, with Alan's being the kicker at the end; see for yourself - [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJcd4cW74oA A]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C_xB_ARTn0 B]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp7904Uk4qk C]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ClQcAd-wJg D]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHUM7d3c2s0 E]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACV_3Jj2s7U F]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4TozJ3t2ig G]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AY2raEEorl0 H]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Ss-1qU4xNI I]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OTb8vbTUaiA J]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6y6lqjR8Gw K]], [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znSllCaAugA L]], and [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeZvJ2tdnAE M]]. |
| 35 | * On the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIqOsM6_3Dw moon]]: |
| 36 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': How many moons does the Earth have? |
| 37 | -->''[extremely long pause - everyone knows exactly what's coming]'' |
| 38 | -->'''Alan Davies''': ''[buzz!]'' ''[resignedly]'' The Earth has one moon, which is made of cheese. |
| 39 | -->''[klaxon]'' |
| 40 | -->'''Alan Davies''': But it has got one moon! It's called ''The'' Moon! |
| 41 | ** Then in the next season, when the same question is asked again, Alan says 'two' and the klaxon sounds because three more moons were apparently discovered. And while we're on the subject of Mr. Davies and cosmology: |
| 42 | ---> Pluto and UsefulNotes/{{Bangkok}} don't exist or something! I'm scared to go out! |
| 43 | ** Rich's comeback line (after complaining that the second-moon fact was bullshit) -- at the end of the episode, they were asked what manmade object can be seen from the moon, leading up to a correction of the Great Wall myth. And Rich says: "Which moon are we ''talkin''' about?" |
| 44 | *** He has since made this a stock response whenever Stephen asks a question about the moon while he is on the programme. In Series I, however, he asks it, and it ''sets the klaxon off''. His reaction is ''priceless''. |
| 45 | ** Two more from the initial talk: |
| 46 | --->'''Rich''': Who comes up with this shit? |
| 47 | ** And Stephen's exasperated answer when asked why there hasn't been a song made about the second moon. |
| 48 | --->'''Stephen''': Because it was discovered in '''NINETEEN-NINETY-[[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]]-FOUR!''' |
| 49 | ** The lead-up complaint to this is quite funny as well: |
| 50 | --->'''Jeremy Hardy''': The song is "Blue moon, I saw you standing ''alone''", not "with a small friend"! |
| 51 | ** The [[RunningGag dreaded question of how many moons the Earth has]] comes up again in Season L[[note]]The answer this time was "None" since the Moon is arguably a planet in a binary orbit with Earth[[/note]]: |
| 52 | -->'''Stephen''': At least, I say "the Moon", but how many moons does the Earth have? |
| 53 | -->'''Alan''': [[OhCrap Oh, god...]] |
| 54 | -->'''Suggs''': Well, it's definitely only one. |
| 55 | -->''[klaxon]'': ONE |
| 56 | -->'''Jimmy Carr''': Well, it's ''the'' Moon, I think I'm with him. |
| 57 | -->''[klaxon]'': ONE, ''THE'' MOON |
| 58 | * Every time Bill Bailey smokes a biro. |
| 59 | ** The gag ran so long that for the Series G episode "Green" he brought in an actual pipe. |
| 60 | * Pretty much every episode [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ShrGkBiRvk Phill Jupitus]] appears in will have one moment that reduces the viewer to uncontrollable laughter. |
| 61 | -->'''Stephen''': ''[[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_NI-ltHISNk discussing stalactites]]]'' The Gruta Rei do Mato in South America has the biggest of them all. |
| 62 | -->'''Phill''': How big is it? |
| 63 | -->'''Stephen''': Vast, is the answer. ''[cracks up]'' |
| 64 | -->'''Phill''': Thanks for that. "How big is it?" ''[as Stephen]'' "Oh, ''very''. If I was to quantify its bigness would be doing it a disservice! To say just how bigly big, the vastly big bigness of the dripping thing..." Oi, I want feet, meters, ''anything!'' Throw me a f***in' bone, Fry! |
| 65 | ** The above exchange resulted from a question concerning where one would find the world's biggest drip. When Stephen initially asked the question, the viewscreens displayed a picture of a smiling Hugh Laurie, to Stephen's dismay. |
| 66 | ---> '''Stephen''': Oi! No! |
| 67 | ** From the same episode, Stephen talks about prison slang from when he was in jail as a teenager. |
| 68 | --->'''Phill''': I swear I'm getting an erection. |
| 69 | ** Or this one, if only for the way Stephen gets suckered into proving Phill's point: |
| 70 | --->'''Phill''': ''No one'' has a kettle like that! Where do you plug in that... Look at it! We don't all live in a fluffy-duffy Dickensian world of charm like ''you!'' ''[as Fry]'' "Oh, there goes the kettle, and on the Aga!" |
| 71 | --->'''Stephen''': ''[stuffily]'' It's a perfectly sensible way of cooking food and preparing meals -- |
| 72 | --->'''Phill''': ''[breaks down laughing]'' |
| 73 | --->'''Stephen''': -- and it keeps the kitchen warm! It's -- |
| 74 | --->'''Phill''': ''[laughs again]'' No wonder fucking Twinings had you, pal! |
| 75 | ** When Stephen names the units that shoe sizes are measured in (barleycorns), Phill imagines walking into a shoe store and using this information. |
| 76 | --->'''Phill''': [[ChewingTheScenery GOOD VENDOR OF SHOES! How many barleycorns am I this fine day!?]] |
| 77 | ** Phill Jupitus's imitation of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpzlt_ae184 eight-year-old Stephen on a space hopper]]. "Baah... baah... baah... nearly to Garboldisham!" |
| 78 | *** It's been theorized that (at least recently) Phill has been using ''QI'' as an opportunity to vent some of his frustrations with stupid contestants on ''Series/NevermindTheBuzzcocks'', which is why he seems to have so much fun on the show. For instance, if you look at the airdate of "Fingers and Fumbs", in which is possibly his funniest single ''QI'' appearance, it was most likely filmed around the time that Phill was filming the ''NMTB'' episode with Dappy. |
| 79 | ** As revealed in the "making of QI" special Phill likes to flirt with Stephen because it tends to throw him off and Phill really enjoys watching Stephen squirm a bit. |
| 80 | * Any episode with Johnny Vegas in. Even if you hate him, you have to realise the genius of it. |
| 81 | * Rob Brydon's appearances in general. In particular: |
| 82 | --> '''Stephen''': Rob, what is the difference between a Carlisle Surprise, a Reverse Canterbury Pleasure, and a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff? |
| 83 | --> '''Rob''': Now this is another example of the institutionalised racism which is accepted when it's directed towards the Welsh. Is this a reference to the joke "what is a sheep tied to a lamppost in Cardiff?" "It's a leisure centre." ''[audience starts to laugh]'' No. No. ''[points at Rich Hall]'' And you, no. ''[points at Stephen]'' And you, no. ''[points at Alan Davies]'' And you...'''no'''. |
| 84 | ** Rob Brydon getting worked up about anything mocking the Welsh, especially: |
| 85 | --->'''Rob Brydon:''' And in fact, my father grew up in the same street, literally the same street, as Anthony Hopkins.\ |
| 86 | '''Stephen Fry:''' Yeah...in England, we live in houses! |
| 87 | ** Another one, after Stephen asks a question about taffy (as in the American candy): |
| 88 | --->'''Rob:''' Is this another dig at my forefathers?\ |
| 89 | '''Stephen:''' You've got four fathers? The Welsh are ''weird''. |
| 90 | ** And then there's this: |
| 91 | --->'''Stephen Fry:''' How does the 'love bomb' work?\ |
| 92 | '''Rob Brydon:''' I just turn up, and I get on with it. |
| 93 | * Rich Hall's ''first line'' on the series, having been given a buzzer that made the sound of a clock tower chime, though it loses something in the writing. After the first question: |
| 94 | -->'''Buzzer''': BONG |
| 95 | -->(Beat) |
| 96 | -->'''Rich''' [''totally deadpan'']: I just wanna say that it's 9 PM. |
| 97 | ** Phill Jupitus had a similar one. |
| 98 | --->'''Buzzer''': GONG |
| 99 | --->'''Phill Jupitus:''' The Rank Organisation. |
| 100 | ** And sometimes, just the buzzer is enough: |
| 101 | --->'''Stephen Fry''': What happens when you blow out the candles on your birthday cake? |
| 102 | --->'''Alan's Buzzer:''' You're fired. |
| 103 | ** It even works for John Sessions. |
| 104 | --->'''Stephen Fry''': What do jockeys use their whips for? |
| 105 | --->'''John's Buzzer''': [[Music/JayZ Hit me]]. |
| 106 | * A couple of gems involving Clive Anderson: |
| 107 | -->'''Stephen:''' What is the commonest material in the universe? |
| 108 | -->'''Clive:''' Jim Davidson's! |
| 109 | ** And this one, where he tries to pin his klaxon activation on Creator/JeremyClarkson: |
| 110 | --->''[Stephen has asked what dust is made of]'' |
| 111 | --->'''Jeremy:''' Animals... insects... |
| 112 | --->'''Stephen:''' Yeah, a little bit. |
| 113 | --->'''Clive:''' ''[quietly]'' Dust mites. |
| 114 | --->'''Jeremy:''' Bits of...bits of smashed badgers... |
| 115 | --->''[klaxon]'' |
| 116 | --->'''Jeremy:''' ''SMASHED BADGERS'' is coming up there!? |
| 117 | --->''[the screen flashes DUST MITES]'' |
| 118 | * The buzzers give us such wonderful gems... |
| 119 | --> '''Stephen''': Clive goes... |
| 120 | --> '''Clive's buzzer''': "[[Music/BryanAdams Everything I do...]] [[Film/RobinHoodPrinceOfThieves I do it for you...]]" |
| 121 | --> '''Stephen''': ''[with a smooth, slightly cheerful tone]'' Sometimes there's just isn't enough vomit in the world. |
| 122 | * Two of the funniest things included the name "Peter": |
| 123 | --> '''Alan''': [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdTLxyS2bdU Peter, I have seen you buying vegetables.]] |
| 124 | ** And Stephen's speech about his Hungarian grandfather pronouncing Pythagoras "Peter Gorus" ("You learn the Peter Gorus!"), and then going on to explain how he pronounced "pineapple upside-down cake". |
| 125 | * Stephen once told Jo about a handsome man, and she responded with some interest. This exchange ensued: |
| 126 | -->'''Stephen:''' Would you have a crack at him? |
| 127 | -->'''Jo:''' I'd wave ''my'' crack at him. |
| 128 | * Phill Jupitus doing his best to headbang whenever his buzzer sound is music or singing, no matter what style it is. |
| 129 | * The QI Staff obviously has a lot of fun trying to photoshop the faces of the panelists and creating the most bizarre and hilarious pictures. |
| 130 | [[/folder]] |
| 131 | |
| 132 | [[folder: Klaxon]] |
| 133 | * Some of the funniest moments involve forfeits that are not wrong answers ''per se'', but potential jokes which are [[WorthIt actually cheap laughs.]] |
| 134 | ** The first episode, "Adam", had one of these, after it had been explained that Caravaggio's "outrageous behavior on the tennis court" was accidentally killing a guy in the act of cutting off his testicles: |
| 135 | --->'''Alan:''' Over a game of ''tennis''?\ |
| 136 | '''Danny Baker:''' New balls, please!\ |
| 137 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 138 | ** From "Birds": |
| 139 | --->'''Stephen:''' Skin is the answer. The largest organ in the body. \ |
| 140 | '''Alan:''' It may be in ''your'' body. ''[laughter]'' ''I've'' got [[DontExplainTheJoke a huge cock.]]\ |
| 141 | '''Stephen:''' I think we'll forfeit you for that.\ |
| 142 | ''[klaxon] [Screen: "[[DeadpanSnarker SPEAK FOR YOURSELF]]"]'' |
| 143 | ** From "Bears": |
| 144 | --->'''Stephen''': What has huge teeth and only one facial expression?\ |
| 145 | '''Bill Bailey''': Janet Street-Porter.\ |
| 146 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 147 | ** From "Discoveries": |
| 148 | --->'''Stephen:''' Who suffered from Chagas ''[pronounced "shagas"]'' disease?\ |
| 149 | '''Arthur Smith:''' ''[buzzes]'' ''[in his best [[Film/CarryOn Sid James]] voice]'' I did, know what I mean? ''[Sid James laugh]'' I bloody shagged them all!...\ |
| 150 | ''[klaxon] [Screen: "I DID"]'' |
| 151 | ** From "Food": |
| 152 | --->'''Stephen''': Name a poisonous snake.\ |
| 153 | '''Jimmy Carr''': ''[buzzes]'' Piers Morgan.\ |
| 154 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 155 | *** David Mitchell's laugh after that is a thing of phonic beauty. |
| 156 | ** From "Gardens": |
| 157 | --->'''Stephen''': Who finds garden gnomes attractive?\ |
| 158 | '''Rob Brydon''': I do, and it's lovely to get the opportunity to be able to admit it in public.\ |
| 159 | '''Stephen''': Good!\ |
| 160 | '''Rob''': ''[screen shows a garden gnome wearing a bikini]'' Phwoa, look at...\ |
| 161 | ''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "PHWOARR!"]'' |
| 162 | ** From "Greats": |
| 163 | --->'''Stephen''': Now, tell me about the Great Disappointment.\ |
| 164 | '''Jo Brand''': ''[buzzes]'' Have you been talking to my husband?\ |
| 165 | ''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "[[TheTapeKnewYouWouldSayThat HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO MY HUSBAND?]]"]'' |
| 166 | ** From "Invertebrates": |
| 167 | --->'''Stephen''': What has the most genes?\ |
| 168 | '''Alan''': Creator/JeremyClarkson.\ |
| 169 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 170 | ** Season "I"(9) Episode 2 "International" sees David Mitchell trip the klaxon ''three times'' on ''one'' question because he spent the first two arguing with the klaxon. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeDjaQNiTog Here.]] |
| 171 | -->''[the question is "When was the First World War first named as such"]'' |
| 172 | -->'''David:''' It's gonna be some point after 1939, isn't it. |
| 173 | -->''[klaxon]'' ''[screen flashes "1939"]'' |
| 174 | -->'''David:''' Excuse me!... I ''think'' what I ''said'', people in the box, is "''after'' 1939". Which may ''contain'' 1939, but does not mean it. |
| 175 | -->''[klaxon]'' ''[screen flashes "AFTER THE SECOND WORLD WAR"]'' |
| 176 | -->'''David:''' Okay! No no no! "After 1939" and "After the Second World War" are ''not'' synonymous; now this is just ''giving'' you time to ''type'' "After 1939"! |
| 177 | -->''[klaxon]'' ''[screen flashes "DURING THE SECOND WORLD WAR"]'' |
| 178 | -->'''David:''' Why don't you just type "Mitchell is a cock"? |
| 179 | -->'''Stephen:''' ''(warningly)'' I wouldn't put it past them. |
| 180 | ** From "Jam, Jelly, and Juice": |
| 181 | --->'''Stephen''': What appears to be alive, but actually is not?\ |
| 182 | '''Sue Perkins''': Jeremy Clarkson.\ |
| 183 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 184 | *** And then, ten seconds later: |
| 185 | ---->'''Sue Perkins''': Jedward, then! I'm revising my answer!\ |
| 186 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 187 | ** From "Jack and Jill": |
| 188 | --->'''Stephen''': Who dies if they don't have sex for a year?\ |
| 189 | '''Sue Perkins''': Ooh! Is it Creator/RussellBrand?\ |
| 190 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 191 | ** [[SubvertedTrope Subverted]] in "Jeopardy": |
| 192 | --->'''Stephen:''' What is Australia's deadliest creature?\ |
| 193 | '''Julia Zemiro''': Rupert Murdoch.\ |
| 194 | ''[oddly enough did not get the klaxon]'' |
| 195 | --->'''Stephen:''' Excluding a member of the human race, which [[TakeThat I'm not sure if whether that does or not.]] |
| 196 | ** From "Jumpers": |
| 197 | --->'''Stephen''': Now, how could these weights give you an extra six and a half inches?\ |
| 198 | '''Alan''': Hang them from your cock.\ |
| 199 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 200 | ** From "Marriage and Mating: |
| 201 | ---> '''Stephen:''' Who Married Big-Mouthed Margaret? |
| 202 | --->''[Beat]''. |
| 203 | --->'''Alan''': [[UsefulNotes/MargaretThatcher Denis]]. |
| 204 | --->''[Klaxon]'' |
| 205 | --->'''Stephen:''' Oh, thank you. Thank you for that. |
| 206 | ** From "Not Nearly": |
| 207 | --->'''Sandi:''' Put your hand up if you haven't got hemorrhoids at the moment.\ |
| 208 | '''Jimmy Carr:''' Put my hand up where?\ |
| 209 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 210 | * Also, the season A episode where Alan's buzzer was the forfeit klaxon. Used again in a series H episode, and yet again in a series I episode. |
| 211 | * Best show opener ever: |
| 212 | --> '''Creator/StephenFry''': How do you do, Mr. Davies? |
| 213 | --> '''Alan Davies''': Uh.. fine, thanks. |
| 214 | --> ''[klaxon]'' %%Apparently the polite answer is "How do you do?" back, or a small bow.%% |
| 215 | * Along with... |
| 216 | --> '''Stephen Fry''': Alan, what are you doing? |
| 217 | --> '''Alan Davies''': Huh? What? Nothing... |
| 218 | --> ''[klaxon]'' %%You can't do nothing. For example, he was sitting and breathing.%% |
| 219 | * Ah, banisters. |
| 220 | --> '''Stephen Fry''': Has anyone ever slid down a banister? |
| 221 | --> '''Alan Davies''': Yes. |
| 222 | --> ''[klaxon]'' |
| 223 | --> '''Phill Jupitus''': Please don't destroy Alan's childhood. |
| 224 | ** From that same bit: |
| 225 | ---> '''Jo Brand''': When I was at college I slid down a barrister. |
| 226 | ---> '''Phill Jupitus''': Did you hit yourself on the knob at the end? |
| 227 | * At the start of one of the I series; |
| 228 | --> '''Stephen Fry''': Now, tonight's show is all about inattention and ineptitude. ''[turning to Alan]'' Alan, what is tonight's show about? |
| 229 | --> '''Alan Davies''': Inattention and ineptitude. |
| 230 | --> ''[klaxon]'' |
| 231 | --> '''Stephen Fry''': That's ten points off to start because actually, tonight's show is all about inequality and injustice. |
| 232 | * During "Groovy", Stephen tells a joke about someone who can't get "Auld Lang Syne" out of his head and is directed to the Burns unit. Everyone groans. |
| 233 | -->'''Stephen:''' Now, what's wrong with that joke? |
| 234 | -->'''Lee Mack:''' Is it absolutely terrible? |
| 235 | -->''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "IT ISN'T FUNNY"]'' |
| 236 | * Its ''absence'' becomes a joke in itself in "J-Places": |
| 237 | -->'''Stephen''': Can you tell me the biggest joke ever to come out of Alaska? |
| 238 | -->'''Sandi''': Sarah Palin. |
| 239 | -->''[screen changes to show Sarah Palin]'' |
| 240 | -->'''Stephen''': We're ''not'' forfeiting you there, [[RefugeInAudacity it was so obvious]]. |
| 241 | -->'''Sandi''': If I had forfeited, I would have refudiated. |
| 242 | * The first question asked in the K-series, in "Knees and Knockers": |
| 243 | -->'''Stephen''': What is this? It's a noise. Listen carefully. |
| 244 | -->''[the klaxon sounds]'' |
| 245 | -->'''Jack Whitehall''': ''[buzzes]'' A klaxon. |
| 246 | -->''[klaxon]'' |
| 247 | -->'''Stephen''': In a strange sort of way, pop just ate itself. |
| 248 | * Reaches new heights in "Oddballs": |
| 249 | -->'''Jimmy Carr''': Does someone get paid when that sound effect goes off? |
| 250 | -->''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "YES"]'' |
| 251 | -->'''Jason Manford''': They've been waiting fifteen years to do that gag! |
| 252 | * "Quarrels" has a three-fer: |
| 253 | --> '''Sandi:''' Who's famous for generating 25,000 quarrels a year?\ |
| 254 | '''Aisling Bea:''' [[TakeThat Piers Morgan]].\ |
| 255 | ''[klaxon] [Screen: "PIERS MORGAN"]''\ |
| 256 | '''Jason Manford:''' {{UsefulNotes/Donald|Trump}} [[TakeThat Trump]].\ |
| 257 | ''[klaxon] [Screen: "DONALD TRUMP"]''\ |
| 258 | '''Aisling Bea:''' [[TakeThat Katie Hopkins]].\ |
| 259 | ''[klaxon] [Screen: "KATIE HOPKINS"]'' |
| 260 | * "Rock 'n' Roll" provides a DoubleSubversion: |
| 261 | -->'''Sandi''': What kind of music did they listen to in the Stone Age? |
| 262 | -->'''Bill''': ''(Expecting the klaxon)'' Rock! It was rock music! |
| 263 | -->'''Sandi''': It was rock music![[note]]As in banging on certain rocks called singing rocks to make different sounds[[/note]] |
| 264 | -->'''Bill''': [[FlatWhat What]]? |
| 265 | -->'''Eshaan''': Rock music like [[TemptingFate The Rolling Stones]]? |
| 266 | -->''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "The Rolling Stones"]'' |
| 267 | [[/folder]] |
| 268 | |
| 269 | [[folder: Series A]] |
| 270 | * During a discussion about Aboriginal people in the Australia episode, Stephen brings up Native Americans. Alan says that it's more fun to call them redskins. Then, this: |
| 271 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': I wouldn't try it, though, in America. Or you'll have your balls turned into a small purse. |
| 272 | -->'''Alan Davies''': A very big purse, I think you'll find. |
| 273 | -->'''Jackie Clunes''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It is actually possible for the ball sack to be stretched beyond recognition. |
| 274 | -->''[pause]'' |
| 275 | -->'''Jimmy Carr''': By a woman scorned? |
| 276 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': Now, the scrotum is quite an interesting thing... |
| 277 | * From the first episode "Adam", Stephen asks Hugh Laurie why Edward Woodward has four [=Ds=] in his name. After Hugh gets interrupted by a buzzer and calls said buzzer presser out on it, Alan Davies starts talking about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4tRMzIkUAM kiwi fruit]]. |
| 278 | * One of the [[HilariousOuttakes outtakes]] from Series A, when Stephen fluffs a line: [[PrecisionFStrike Piss and arse and wank!]] |
| 279 | * "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-dLuu-ErnI What rhymes with purple?]]" |
| 280 | ** "Do you realize what you're doing on national television?" |
| 281 | * The reaction of everyone to Sean Lock's revelation that banana plants walk (especially when they found out he learned that on a trip to Colombia) and then everyone's reaction to the fact that he was later proved correct. |
| 282 | * Rich Hall's explanation of how to defend yourself against an alligator using a paperclip, a paper bag, a crocodile clip, a handbag, and a rubber band. |
| 283 | -->'''Rich''': When it says to defend yourself against an alligator, this is sort of the trick part of the question. This means if the alligator is litigious, and is trying to sue you, let's say because [[FurryConfusion you're wearing his mom on your feet.]] There's a lot of paperwork involved in defending yourself in court against an alligator. You will need a paper clip for that. |
| 284 | -->'''Jeremy''': Is that where the word "allegation" comes from? |
| 285 | -->'''Rich''': [[BlatantLies Yes]]. However, you might need a paper bag. Alligators will taunt you before they attack you, and like a boxer, they will often hold a press conference, and they will say, "You can't fight your way out of a paper bag, buddy!", and then you will have to prove that you can fight your way out of a paper bag before you can fight the alligator. |
| 286 | * Stephen correcting Jeremy correcting Stephen: |
| 287 | -->'''Stephen''': I refute that with every fibre of my being. |
| 288 | -->'''Jeremy''': No you don't, to refute you have to provide evidence. You mean rebut. |
| 289 | -->'''Stephen''': No I don't, I mean repudiate. |
| 290 | [[/folder]] |
| 291 | |
| 292 | [[folder: Series B]] |
| 293 | * In Series B, Stephen reads the original advertisement for Pony Express riders: |
| 294 | -->'''Stephen Fry:''' Wanted: Young, skinny, wiry fellows not over 18. Must be expert riders and willing to risk death daily. |
| 295 | -->'''Alan Davies:''' You wrote that. |
| 296 | -->'''Stephen Fry:''' ...Orphans preferred. |
| 297 | * The role reversal in the B series Christmas episode. Alan was allowed to take over from Stephen as the chair (with Stephen mentioning that, traditionally, at Christmas, the servants were waited on by the masters for a change) for the General Ignorance round. Naturally, he spent the entire round targeting Stephen with questions and delighting in hitting the klaxon, resulting in Stephen finishing last out of all five contestants. |
| 298 | ** Bonus points for Fry actually getting the first question ''right''. |
| 299 | ** He got one of the following ones right too - which way does water go down the plughole in the northern hemisphere? Any way you want it to. |
| 300 | --->'''Stephen''': ''(buzzes)'' |
| 301 | --->'''Phill Jupitus''': [[Series/UniversityChallenge Fry! Cambridge]]! |
| 302 | ** Phill's impression of Fry after Fry announces that he's tested his response (that you can make the water drain either way) is icing on the cake: |
| 303 | --->'''Phill''': "Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom? ''[imitating Fry]'' I'm pushing it to go one way, pushing it to go the other, I'm '''the master'''!" |
| 304 | * In series B, while testing the buzzers, Phil Kay has a hilarious moment. The panelists aren't told what their noise would be, mostly to make sure Alan Davies is kept guessing. The topic was "birds", and each buzzer was a bird call; Phil "presses" his, while making a rooster crowing sound. He laughs at the jib and actually presses it. ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C_xB_ARTn0 It's a rooster crowing.]]'' (it's early, at 00:47 seconds in) His reaction is priceless! |
| 305 | -->'''Stephen''': I promise you, I did not know that--\ |
| 306 | '''Phil''': Let's...let's just check it again, make sure we weren't all having a hallucination...''(hits the buzzer, and it's still a rooster crowing)'' |
| 307 | * Rich Hall also has the line (on the topic of butterflies): |
| 308 | -->'''Rich''': I think it's evil to put a food in front of any bug. To name it like a butterfly. Cause I would eat butterflies when I was a kid because I thought they had butter in 'em. And honeybees. |
| 309 | -->'''Stephen''': There are two theories as to why- ''[laughs]'' |
| 310 | -->'''Rich''': And a hamster. |
| 311 | * Thomas Edison believed that 15 tiny people live in everyone's brain. After being asked how she would respond to someone who thought this, as a psychiatric nurse: |
| 312 | -->'''Jo Brand''': Punch them to the ground! |
| 313 | ** In another reference to Jo having been a psychiatric nurse, after Stephen's description of Van Gogh: |
| 314 | --->'''Jo Brand''': It was a bit more than that. I mean he was, like, seriously mentally ill, rather than "not a happy bunny". |
| 315 | * After a non-sequitur about fugu, Phill Jupitus mused about Stephen Fry visiting Japan. |
| 316 | -->'''Phill''' (As Japanese): "[[{{GratuitousEnglish}} AAAH! Stephen FerrrrAayuuu!]]" |
| 317 | -->'''Phill''' (As Fry): "[[Series/{{Blackadder}} Baaaaaaah!]]" |
| 318 | -->'''Phill''' (As Japan being tread on): "Stomp stomp stomp!" |
| 319 | * Alan on his Welsh roots: "Unfortunately, because of you English people destroying our natural culture and heritage, I don't know our own language. Cruel imperial invader! My great-grandfather was forced to flee Cardiff and set up a restaurant in the East End." |
| 320 | ** This somehow becomes even funnier when he states, in a later series, that he's discovered that he doesn't actually have any Welsh roots at all. |
| 321 | * The discussion of the Hokey Cokey. |
| 322 | -->'''Stephen Fry:''' There was an American version of the dance by a man called Larry [=LaPrise=], and he died in 1996. What happened at his funeral? |
| 323 | -->'''Alan Davies:''' ''(Completely deadpan)'' Oh, they couldn't get him in the coffin. |
| 324 | -->'''Stephen Fry:''' Why is that? |
| 325 | -->'''Alan Davies:''' They put his left leg in, and then the troubles started. |
| 326 | * Some more Rich Hall wisdom: "They say that the wheel was the greatest invention ever, but I think it was probably the ''second'' wheel. Because... you ever see a guy on a unicycle? What an asshole." |
| 327 | * The entire ''episode'' "Bombs" could count as a series-wide Crowning Moment of Funny, but the funniest part is when Stephen brings up Boy Scouts... |
| 328 | -->'''Rich Hall:''' I was in the Boy Scouts. We went to [[UsefulNotes/TheVietnamWar 'Nam.]] |
| 329 | -->'''Alan Davies:''' Did you go in a helicopter gunship? With Music/TheDoors playing really loudly? |
| 330 | ** Three words: 'woof, woof, boom.' |
| 331 | * This: |
| 332 | -->'''Stephen''': The male anglerfish latches on to the female, and the male's body, the skeleton, muscles, digestive, respiratory systems, all disappear and become the female's, until all that's left are two testes that shoot sperm into the female. |
| 333 | -->'''Jo Brand''': Can I just say, that sounds a lot like my marriage. |
| 334 | * In "Bats," Alan gets the klaxon ''three times in a row.'' Seconds later, he gets it a fourth time. |
| 335 | ** From Stephen: "I leave you with this quite interesting thought: [[spoiler:*{{beat}}*]] Good night." |
| 336 | [[/folder]] |
| 337 | |
| 338 | [[folder: Series C]] |
| 339 | * In the first episode of series C, Stephen asks what was the last place in Britain to be converted to Christianity. Rich Hall suggests "[=SatanIsMyMaster=]-on-Wye." Music/BillBailey informs him that [[PretentiousPronunciation "it's pronounced Semster."]] |
| 340 | ** From the same episode, Rob Brydon keeps accusing the rest of the panel of mocking the Welsh. |
| 341 | --->'''Rob Brydon:''' Is this another dig at my forefathers?\ |
| 342 | '''Stephen:''' You've got four fathers? The Welsh are ''weird''. |
| 343 | ** Also from "Campanology", Alan says that the gray and red squirrels can't live in the same environment. Stephen replies "[[Music/StevieWonder Ebony and ivory are together on my]] [[Music/PaulMcCartney piano key so why can't they be?]]", and Alan asks "what, you mean like a squirrel-fur keyboard?" |
| 344 | * Another Rich gem, from "Constellations": |
| 345 | -->'''Jeremy Clarkson:''' Sixty-two miles is what you're calling outer space. Did you know there was a man called Joe Kittinger who once jumped from a hot-air balloon at that height, in 1961?\ |
| 346 | '''Rich Hall:''' Oh, Dead Joe Kittinger.\ |
| 347 | ''[NB: He's not dead, and although Jeremy got the height [[WritersCannotDoMath drastically wrong]] as well as the date and the type of aircraft, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Project_Excelsior Project Excelsior]] is still worth knowing about]'' |
| 348 | * After a question about why the House Of Lords smells of urine (It used to be a public phone box?) and the panel deduce that most of the attendants wear tweed, we got this: |
| 349 | -->'''Jimmy Carr:''' And, as we all know, tweed is made of urine. |
| 350 | -->'''Stephen Fry:''' Yes, that's absolutely correct. |
| 351 | -->'''Jimmy Carr:''' ''(incredulous)'' It is? Where do you buy your tweed? |
| 352 | * A [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRDusNquuqk discussion of baked beans]] results in a Gordon Ramsay joke, featuring a ClusterFBomb from the panel. |
| 353 | ** At the end of the same episode (Season C, episode 2, Cummingtonite), Stephen has them attempt to break a glass with their voice. Alan does so, but it's shown to have been faked, and Stephen mentions that his glass was a sugar glass, and takes another sugar glass and smashes it on his head. Arthur Smith picks up ''his'' glass and throws it at Alan, at which point everyone shouts "IT'S REAL! IT'S REAL!". |
| 354 | * Alan Davies choking on his swazzle in the episode "Carnival." |
| 355 | ** Especially as Phill and Clive swazzle-laugh at him. |
| 356 | --->'''Stephen''': If you don't take your swazzles out very soon, I will kill you. |
| 357 | --->'''Alan''': ''[with swazzle]'' Svzz-zzle! |
| 358 | ** Actually, he makes a disappointed sound, kinda like a puppet in a swazzle-puppet show. |
| 359 | ** There's also the [[https://youtu.be/YSIzXiPydPQ?t=253 initial swazzle-sounding]], where Clive pulls off a passable sound, Phill does tricks and generally sounds like he's been doing it for years... then Alan makes a sound like a congested duck that's just been trodden on. |
| 360 | * The "Colour" episode. The entire thing was basically a Crowning Moment Of Funny: "I suggest a cummerbund for geography", "DEES PINK POLENTA I LOVE EET!", "Are you telling me the Incas talked like Oxbridge graduates!?", etc. |
| 361 | * The C season outtakes have the scene in which Stephen attempts to close the show with a Will Rogers joke, only to encounter stiff opposition from Rich Hall: |
| 362 | -->'''Rich Hall''': Oh you're not going to do that crap joke again, are you? |
| 363 | -->''[a minute later after Stephen thanks the guests again and launches into the joke]'' |
| 364 | -->'''Rich''': Don't do it Stephen! |
| 365 | * The opener of the "Cockneys" episode features Stephen Fry's ridiculously posh take on Rhyming Slang. Considering he's pulling much of it out of thin air, it goes off the rails very quickly: |
| 366 | -->'''Stephen''': Any flamencos[[note]]flamenco dancers - answers[[/note]] you give in pyong[[note]]Pyongyang - slang[[/note]] will score barney[[note]][[WesternAnimation/TheFlintstones Barney Rubble]] - double[[/note]]. |
| 367 | -->'''Alan''': What the ''FUCK'' are you talking about?! |
| 368 | ** He then goes through the faux-rhyming-slang-filled script explaining the reason behind the slang, before admitting the only thing he could think of to rhyme with "buzz" was "woman who does". |
| 369 | --->'''Phill Jupitus''': So we're doing middle-class Cockney rhyming slang? |
| 370 | * The episode (Series C, Episode 7) in which Jeremy Clarkson tells a story about eating puffin, an action that he justifies with the slow and carefully delivered line: "I wanted to [eat] it because it was something I had never tried before". After about half a second, Sean Lock brightly asks Clarkson, "Have you ever had one of my turds?" |
| 371 | ** "Would you like me to grate some puffin on that?" |
| 372 | ** Jeremy subsequently describes a seal's flipper as tasting "''exactly'' [[ItTastesLikeFeet like licking a hot Turkish urinal]]." Sean Lock immediately expresses concern that he used the word "exactly". |
| 373 | * Sean Lock discovering a portal to the underworld while Stephen Fry and Rory [=McGrath=] argue about Latin bird names. |
| 374 | * The "Combustion" episode (episode 12) of series C. Stephen gives [[SophisticatedAsHell a rather savage opinion]] of ''Literature/TheDaVinciCode'', when Alan suggests one of his... 'Epithets' would be [[AGoodNameForARockBand a good name for a blues singer]]. Bill Bailey immediately hits his buzzer, which happened to be a blues harp. |
| 375 | * In "Cat's Eyes", Rich Hall, on how ancient armies captured elephants: "Well, the truth is many of these elephants volunteered. They were living in a small town, no future, and the circus comes along, y'know, you gotta join". |
| 376 | * In "Creatures", the first question is which of the 4 buzzer animals has the most chromosomes. Helen Atkinson-Wood suggests the chicken, because of all the eggs it lays. Stephen points out that a mosquito lays more eggs than a chicken does. Bill Bailey then says that it must then be the donkey, as the donkey lays more eggs than any of them. |
| 377 | [[/folder]] |
| 378 | |
| 379 | [[folder: Series D]] |
| 380 | * From the episodes "Discoveries": |
| 381 | -->'''Clive Anderson:''' The mark of a true queen, Stephen... |
| 382 | -->'''Stephen Fry:''' ''([[CampGay lasciviously]])'' Yeeeees? |
| 383 | * The episode about dogs. Jeremy Clarkson is a stitch in that one! |
| 384 | -->''[After observing that dogs like to smell people's crotches, talking about the dog on the screen.]''\ |
| 385 | '''Jeremy Clarkson''': It can smell my crotch!\ |
| 386 | '''Neil Mullarkey''': We all can. |
| 387 | * "Descendants," the fourth-series Series/ChildrenInNeed episode, has many, many a [=CMoF=], but it all kind of comes to a head at the end when Stephen asks how much of the charity's income goes to administration. |
| 388 | -->'''Jonathan Ross:''' [[CrapsackWorld Ninety percent.]]\ |
| 389 | '''Stephen:''' It would be depressing if that were true. It is, I'm happy to say, less than that.\ |
| 390 | '''Alan:''' None! None at all!\ |
| 391 | '''Stephen:''' You're right! Nada. Not ''one'' percent...\ |
| 392 | '''Alan:''' There's no administration at all, it's a shambles!\ |
| 393 | '''Stephen:''' ''[post-recovery]'' The first Children in Need telethon, what year would you guess it was?\ |
| 394 | '''Alan:''' 1979.\ |
| 395 | '''Stephen:''' Oh, you're only one year out!\ |
| 396 | '''Alan:''' 1978.\ |
| 397 | '''Stephen:''' Oh, wrong way! ''[Alan rolls his eyes]'' It's 1980. And how much did it raise?\ |
| 398 | '''Jonathan:''' Twenty pounds.\ |
| 399 | '''Stephen:''' It was about one million. Last year's appeal, ''seventeen'' million, two hundred and thirty-five thousand, two hundred and fifty-six pounds...\ |
| 400 | '''Alan:''' [[TheEeyore That's not very good in terms of the rate of inflation, is it?]][[note]]It's actually INCREDIBLY good - series D was broadcast in 2006, and £1,000,000 in 1980 money would, according to the Bank of England, equal £2,871,824.04 in 2005 money.[[/note]]\ |
| 401 | '''Stephen:''' Are you urging the public to do better?\ |
| 402 | '''Alan:''' ''[shrugs]'' They've probably got other things to spend their money on. |
| 403 | ** In the same episode, at around the halfway mark, the questions proceed through such topics as ''WesternAnimation/TheClangers'', ''WesternAnimation/BillAndBenTheFlowerpotMen'', the "Crazy Frog" ringtone, Geordie accents, and Radio/TerryWogan and his televised 33-yard putt at Gleneagles. Familiar topics to the British panellists (Alan, Phill Jupitus, and Jonathan Ross), but rather alien to the panel's resident American, Rich Hall. After sitting in silence for nearly ten minutes, he hits his buzzer (which plays a ''Bill and Ben''-esque "Flobbadobbadob!"): |
| 404 | --->'''Rich:''' Ever since ''The Clangers'' I've been lost. The last picture I recognised was the [=KKK=], and that's just sad. |
| 405 | ** From the same episode, when Stephen asks what Kingpin put on Spiderman so that he would always know where he was, Alan jokes "an ASBO". |
| 406 | ** Phill's ferns joke confusing the hell out of Stephen. |
| 407 | --->'''Phill''': Ferns, they make a canny noise like. [later to Stephen] Never ever go to Newcastle! |
| 408 | * In the Christmas special, Stephen Fry [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OIj8NphrAFI describes the Christmas routine of the Royal Family.]] You really have to see it to understand. |
| 409 | ** Dara explaining how to serve a pint of Guinness: |
| 410 | -->"You have to let it sit, you have to let it go black, and then you have to push it back so that no more gas goes into it. Five-twelfths of an inch is the ideal head 'round the top. ... And if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork." |
| 411 | ** And in response to Stephen's attempt at an Irish accent, "Well, the pub I worked in actually wasn't located in a movie from TheFifties..." |
| 412 | * Fry asks what you might do with donkey milk; |
| 413 | -->'''Phill Jupitus:''' Donkey milk! It probably makes an ''amazing'' cheese.\ |
| 414 | '''Stephen Fry:''' Well oddly enough that's the one thing it doesn't.\ |
| 415 | '''Johnny Vaughan:''' Phill, come on, you're so naive. Sometimes, honestly...\ |
| 416 | '''Phill Jupitus:''' ''[petulantly]'' ''I want donkey cheese!'' |
| 417 | * Another gem from Divination in which Stephen Fry explains who Thomas Midgley is: |
| 418 | -->'''Creator/StephenFry''': He discovered that iodine added to kerosene would reduce 'knocking' in cars, so he decided that although it slightly reduced it, slightly wasn't enough. He wanted to completely reduce it. So he tried every single chemical in the periodic table until he came up with lead. And as a result, all motorcars, for seventy-odd years, put lead in their petrol. Creating billions and billions of dollars worth of, and millions of tons worth of lead into the atmosphere. Harming millions- probably- of people. |
| 419 | -->'''Phill Jupitus''': And yet, he looks like a lovely fellow. |
| 420 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': Something- it was his guilt about that that lead him to think about doing something about that nasty old sulfur dioxide, and the nasty old ammonia, that we used in refrigeration. So, he discovered in three days, dichlorofluoromethane. And he was very proud of that, because it's inert, it's non-toxic, it's beneficial, the first of the freons. What did he not know it was also doing? |
| 421 | -->'''Phill Jupitus''': Destroying the ozone layer. |
| 422 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': Destroying the ozone layer! Not content with thousands and hundreds of millions of tons of lead... |
| 423 | -->'''Johnny Vaughan''': What was his next trick? The cigarette! "I'm sick of not having smoke going into my lungs!" |
| 424 | -->'''Phill Jupitus''': Then he decided to cut out the middle-man, and just kill babies with hammers! |
| 425 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': So, he's put lead in petrol, he's invented [=CFCs=], but then he was struck by polio, at the age of fifty-one. |
| 426 | -->'''Phill Jupitus''': [[PrecisionFStrike Well, fucking good!]] |
| 427 | * Stephen is explaining how a woman slipped and fell onto a knife sticking out of her dishwasher. Alan is a bit perplexed, and Stephen claims he's cut himself doing this because loading the knife with the point of the blade up 'gets a better clean', to which Phill utters the immortal retort: |
| 428 | -->I clean my knives on a ''crossbow!'' Some people say it's foolish... I put them in the hoover and set it on Blow, and then just ''shoot'' water at them around the kitchen, as I sit with the plug ''bare-wired'' at my feet, ''peeing'' on it! "You get a better clean." |
| 429 | * Stephen's description of how other {{London Gangster}}s used to have to compliment Ronnie Kray's boyfriends to avoid offending him. |
| 430 | * From the Dictionaries episode, after explaining Didcot Power Station was named the second-worst eyesore in the country: |
| 431 | -->'''Rory Bremner''': Do you know what was number 1?\ |
| 432 | '''Phill Jupitus''': ''[in an exaggerated posh accent]'' People, public people, the working classes. Poorly groomed servants, ill-bred ponies. That Blair fellow.\ |
| 433 | '''Stephen Fry''': If I find out you've been intercepting my mail. |
| 434 | * Death: "I've just been looking at the scoreboard, and at the moment the audience is winning." |
| 435 | * Danger: "What's 3 times more dangerous than war?" "Three wars". |
| 436 | [[/folder]] |
| 437 | |
| 438 | [[folder: Series E]] |
| 439 | * The moonwalking [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAySycTIau0 manakin bird]]. The backwards walk is already funny, but it's when it moves sideways back into view that ''really'' makes the clip. |
| 440 | ** From the same episode: the "A Night to Remember" sing- and dance-along. |
| 441 | * [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdvD4Fhc_K8 They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is...]] |
| 442 | ** The best part is that if you look closely, you can notice the camerawork gets a little shaky at certain points because the operator is clearly laughing too hard. |
| 443 | * From "Eating": "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC2RYiaM6WU What happens if you eat nothing but rabbit?]]" Especially when ''no one'' (read: Jimmy) lets go of the concept. Stephen's reaction: "You're picking on me, I won't have it!" |
| 444 | ** Johnny Vegas desperately trying to get the "Elephant in the Room" bonus shortly afterward: |
| 445 | --->'''Stephen''': When did rabbits arrive in Britain?\ |
| 446 | '''Alan''': Tuesday.\ |
| 447 | '''Stephen''': Do you remember what year it was?\ |
| 448 | '''Alan''': Three thousand years ago. Tuesday morning.\ |
| 449 | '''Johnny''': ''[buzz]'' There's an elephant in this question!\ |
| 450 | ''[after Johnny's rambling answer]''\ |
| 451 | '''Stephen:''' The short answer to that is "no". The long answer is "[[PrecisionFStrike fuck]] no". |
| 452 | *** And later... |
| 453 | ---->'''Stephen''': But the extraordinary thing about the introduction of rabbits into Britain was that they were kept in these warrens which were run by--\ |
| 454 | '''Johnny''': ELEPHANTS!\ |
| 455 | '''Stephen''': --people called warreners. |
| 456 | ** The question about what cornflakes were originally used for, and Johnny Vegas's joke response: |
| 457 | --->'''Johnny:''' It was for, er, putting in mattresses, for monks, as, er, an anti-masturbation sound trigger device.\ |
| 458 | '''Stephen:''' Johnny Vegas! (DramaticPause) ...[[TheCuckoolanderWasRight take some points]]!\ |
| 459 | '''Johnny:''' You're ''jokin'''! |
| 460 | * From "Espionage", Stephen asks how gummi bears could be used to rob a bank and the panellists start coming up with the stupidest things they can imagine. |
| 461 | -->'''Alan:''' [[ComicallySmallBribe Simple bribery?]] |
| 462 | * From the "Everything" episode, Stephen is talking about car accident statistics and says that the "most dangerous" cars in the world are green and driven in China. |
| 463 | --> '''Alan:''' They're called tanks. |
| 464 | * Alan explaining his cat incident in the "Endings" episode. |
| 465 | ** Also, during the question on emperors: |
| 466 | --->'''Dara:''' Ethiopia?\ |
| 467 | '''Stephen:''' Yes.\ |
| 468 | '''Alan:''' Haile Selassie?\ |
| 469 | '''Stephen:''' Before Haile Selassie.\ |
| 470 | '''Jimmy and Alan:''' ''([[StrangeMindsThinkAlike at the same time]])'' Lowly Selassie? |
| 471 | ** When asked to name an island: |
| 472 | --->'''Alan:''' Is this that one where they got stuck and that guy had to walk for ''ages''?\ |
| 473 | '''Stephen:''' Yes, actually. For about eight months he walked around.\ |
| 474 | '''Jimmy:''' Is it The Island Of Reluctant But Inevitable Homosexuality? I think I recognize it, from a school trip that went ''horribly'' wrong.\ |
| 475 | '''Stephen:''' Lord Of The Undone Flies. |
| 476 | * The "Electricity" episode has a bunch of good moments, including "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WIscxut_ak Wo ist mein Handy?]]", Sean Lock inventing the lasagnaPod. and Alan and Jo Brand being deliberately obtuse when asked questions about lightning strikes: |
| 477 | -->'''Stephen''': How many times do you think lightning strikes the Earth every day? |
| 478 | -->'''Jo''': Four. |
| 479 | -->'''Stephen''': So we've got four. I can say that it's more than four. |
| 480 | -->'''Jo''': Is it five? |
| 481 | -->''[later, on the question of how many Britons are killed by lightning each year...]'' |
| 482 | -->'''Stephen''': It's between three and six. |
| 483 | -->'''Alan''': Four or five. |
| 484 | ** In the same episode, Jo Brand, Alan, and Stephen got into a lengthy argument over the fact that the term "boat", in Navy parlance, actually refers to submarines. Jo Brand just refused to believe it, and at the argument's end Rich Hall said: "and I'll tell you something else, [[CallBack there's not two moons]]". |
| 485 | *** Also, Stephen getting a crush on a horse. |
| 486 | ** And Alan managed to short out the studio lights by testing his buzzer. |
| 487 | * After Stephen Fry said the Belgians were named after a tribe originally from the region of Winchester: |
| 488 | --> '''Phill Jupitus''': I dare say someone just threw his pipe at the television. ''[upper-class accent]'' Fry just called me Belgian! Where's my gun? |
| 489 | * From "Endings", Alan's [[https://youtu.be/sEiXgO_Gh2Y Never-Ending Piano Buzzer]], clocking in at a whopping ''[[OverlyLongGag 35 seconds]]'' for added {{irony}} given the episode's name. |
| 490 | ** Especially funny when, [[BrickJoke later in the show]], Alan pushes it again. |
| 491 | --->'''Stephen''': [[OhNoNotAgain Oh, no! No]]! No! You ''bastard''! |
| 492 | * In "Empire", Alan notices something running really fast in the background for one of the screens. He becomes determined to see it when it runs by again. |
| 493 | ** Jo Brand setting off the klaxon for almost every single answer she gives. |
| 494 | ** Bill Bailey's 'compliment' to Sean Lock on his big ears, and Sean's response. |
| 495 | --->'''Sean Lock''': You're going bald. |
| 496 | * In "Entertainment," Alan's seat was taken by a person dressed as Pudsey Bear, the mascot of the BBC charity Children in Need. Pudsey started waving one of the elephant joker cards (for the "Elephant in the Room" bonus) and Stephen realized that there was indeed one in the studio: Alan, sitting in the audience and wearing a plush elephant head. Alan proceeded to beat Pudsey off the stage with the trunk. |
| 497 | -->'''Alan''': ''I'' was the elephant in the room! It was brilliant! |
| 498 | * Charlie Higson's poke at Stephen in "England": |
| 499 | -->'''Stephen Fry''': Where exactly is the best place in England to find nutters? |
| 500 | -->'''Charlie Higson''': On one of your documentaries! |
| 501 | [[/folder]] |
| 502 | |
| 503 | [[folder: Series F]] |
| 504 | * The extended version of the Series F episode "Fingers and Fumbs." All of it. But particularly the snogging forecast, Stephen's "funbags" (and Phil's reaction), the largest plastic-bottomed lake in Europe, and the queue for taking the duck into the echo chamber. |
| 505 | ** "But Stephen, I can only get a forfeit if I say 'fuck!'" |
| 506 | ** Following a discussion on the number of muscles used in frowning and smiling, the stupidity of pointing out the difference in order to make people be more friendly, and the fact that there are no muscles in fingers: |
| 507 | -->'''Alan''': ''[frowning and smiling at the same time, sort of]'' "I'm using 23 muscles!" ''[holds up middle finger]'' "Still 23!" |
| 508 | ** Also: |
| 509 | --->'''Alan:''' Is it true that there's more estrogen in the water supply and that more and more people are turning gay?\ |
| 510 | '''Jo:''' No, that's just you. |
| 511 | * In the "Fire and Freezing" episode, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7ys_WWAetY#t=03m59s Rob takes it upon himself to teach the others about the dangers of smoke.]] |
| 512 | * In the "France" episode from the F series, in the lead-in to a question about a giant elephant-shaped building which was planned for the spot now occupied by the Arc de Triomphe in Paris, Alan declared "There's an elephant in the room" and dug out his elephant placard - ''which was still there after the previous series''. An amazed Stephen promptly gave Alan bonus points. |
| 513 | ** Hell, ''everything'' about that episode was funny. Stephen starts off by asking Alan a question in French. Alan's face of pure puzzlement just sells it. |
| 514 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUKGmsBg0Ss Hugh Dennis shared an anecdote]] on how Creator/ArnoldSchwarzenegger isn't allowed to dub his own lines in German (because his Austrian accent makes him sound like a hick). This fires off several Terminator lines delivered in Cornish. |
| 515 | ** During a discussion on how Creator/SamuelBeckett used to drive around Andrè the Giant and used to be a cricketer: |
| 516 | --->'''Phill Jupitus:''' ''(mock upper-class accent)'' [[UsefulNotes/{{Ireland}} The Mick]] doesn't play cricket, Stephen! |
| 517 | ** At one point, a woman in the audience let out a ''very'' strange cackle, which prompted a look of bafflement from Hugh and for Stephen to say "Nurse! She's out of bed again!". |
| 518 | * The "Films and Fame" episode had a discussion on the supposed fact that if a hedgehog's fleas are removed it will die turning out to actually be a myth. Following a funny rant from David Mitchell in response to Alan Davies saying humans shouldn't eat bread and milk, Stephen then goes on to talk about how David had actually reported in his Radio 4 programme "The Unbelievable Truth" that hedgehogs ''would'' die if their fleas were removed, prompting: |
| 519 | -->'''David''': Yeah, just... people give you this shit and you read it out. |
| 520 | -->'''Stephen''': [''holding a QI note card very close to his face''] [[BlatantLies I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU MEAN]]. |
| 521 | ** It was not merely a "funny rant." David Mitchell ''castigated'' Alan Davies, though Alan had an unconvincing argument (that bread and milk are bad for humans). Here, [[https://youtu.be/-6vLp07ZePY watch the carnage for yourself]]. |
| 522 | --->'''Stephen''': You shake hands and be friends now... |
| 523 | ** This was followed up with a question on how often Shakespeare mentioned cricket; he did several times, again contrary to what David had read out on ''Radio/TheUnbelievableTruth''. All this was then topped off with Stephen and Alan, as well as QI's creator John Lloyd, being invited onto ''The Unbelievable Truth'' for a 'rematch' in a ''QI''-themed special. |
| 524 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pc3OyvbJkj4 John Sessions's stories]] about Creator/AlanRickman's TypeCasting as [[InsistentTerminology "interesting people"]] also drew a large amount of laughs. |
| 525 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ve9pm12VJA Emma Thompson's appearance on the show.]] First, she told a story of how she could make Stephen scream by threatening to show him her "breests" (as Stephen called them) and by appearing nude in front of him while the doors were locked so he couldn't escape. Then, after Stephen asked if she waxed "down there", she threatened to flash him, scaring him silly. |
| 526 | --->'''Stephen''': Do you wax yourself down there, darling?\ |
| 527 | '''Emma''': ''[starts to stand]'' Do you want to see?\ |
| 528 | '''Stephen''': ''[[[{{Squick}} recoiling]]]'' '''''NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE!!''''' No, I do not! Oh, Lord... |
| 529 | ** Also, from the extended version, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ll_-VT1LusM mortifying Stephen with the revelation that the OED's first recorded use of the word "luvvie" is his.]] |
| 530 | --->'''Stephen''': HWA!? '''''[[BigNo NO!]]''''' I... I can't believe... did I invent the word? |
| 531 | --->'''Emma''': Yes it was you, sometime back in the 1980s. |
| 532 | --->'''Stephen''': Did I? I'm ashamed. |
| 533 | * From "Fight or Flight", a discussion on flying fish and how they can't really fly for long periods. Pam Ayres commented that she thought she had seen one flying. Cue Johnny Vegas: |
| 534 | -->''[stage whisper]'' Who's gonna tell Pam that she probably witnessed a duck? |
| 535 | ** Later in that episode (XL Version), Stephen somehow convinces Johnny that he's really gay and the show gets completely derailed after that. |
| 536 | * Rob Brydon and Ben Miller fusing into Siamese twins on the "Future" episode. |
| 537 | ** Rob Brydon and Ben Miller...[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM52hmBZgzw well...]] Including Stephen's 'oh, Christ' reaction and Rob's '[[HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday Now I know why my wife married me]]'. |
| 538 | * The 'prostitute racing in the Vatican' bit and its callbacks in "Flotsam And Jetsam". Also, Alan talking about sports team's pictures and Mick Jagger's walk. |
| 539 | ** From the same episode, Stephen tells the panel how Burt Ward used to send thousands of autographs to women written in his own sperm. He then gets a message in his earpiece and is informed that he completely misunderstood and that Ward just used "giving them the ultimate autograph" as a euphemism for sex. |
| 540 | * Alan's story about the time his Alsatian came to wake him up one morning, led him into the kitchen, and showed him that there was a frog in its water bowl. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pfjRuaHkDU Have a link.]] |
| 541 | * "[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aktl0R39kU I know what you got for Christmas Luke...]]" |
| 542 | * David Mitchell, always top quality, expressing [[RantComedy what we're all thinking]] on Bertrand Russell's proof that 1 + 1 = 2. |
| 543 | -->'''David''': That's a bit late for the 20th century, I say. You have a lot riding on 1 + 1 = 2. Quite a lot of building going on, an international economy...what happens if you find out 1 + 1 doesn't equal 2? What do we do? Just burn everything! God knows anything can fall on your head. Money? You might as well ''eat it''. Just ''forget'' civilisation. |
| 544 | * In "Fakes and Frauds" there's the klaxon sounding over what the buzzers really are, the constant {{Call Back}}s to the pig-ladies and Stephen summarizing 'a French artist trying to make a point' as 'a git, basically'. |
| 545 | * From "Food", a discussion about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police gets a bit off-topic: |
| 546 | -->'''David Mitchell:''' So they have no unmounted police?\ |
| 547 | '''Stephen:''' Well, I don't know...\ |
| 548 | '''David:''' 'Cause that must be difficult on raids of, of small flats. ''[mimes hitting his head on a low ceiling]'' "OW! My head!"\ |
| 549 | '''Jimmy Carr:''' You should see the squad cars! They're a ''mess'', David, they are a ''mess.''\ |
| 550 | '''David:''' Imagine trying to chase a heroin addict up a small staircase on a horse, it's ridiculous!\ |
| 551 | '''Alan:''' All the heroin addicts would know to head for the small staircase!\ |
| 552 | '''Stephen:''' Yes, they would!\ |
| 553 | '''David:''' It's like trying to police a country with [[Series/DoctorWho Daleks!]]\ |
| 554 | '''Jimmy:''' Which'd never work with the disabled access we've got now, the Daleks can get everywhere.\ |
| 555 | '''David:''' Yeah, do you think- Jimmy, are you saying that you think that disabled access is a Dalek conspiracy?! |
| 556 | * Alan making reference to how vacuum cleaners used to be massive horse-drawn things for cleaning streets. Then... |
| 557 | -->'''Stephen''': I remember seeing that on a program called ''QI''. |
| 558 | ** Alan's face is the saddest reply ever. |
| 559 | * "Flora and Fauna": A pun so bad (and predictable) it was a forfeit. |
| 560 | -->'''Stephen:''' How does a ferret build an airliner?\ |
| 561 | '''Jo Brand:''' Really weasily.\ |
| 562 | ''[KLAXON]'' |
| 563 | * Stephen shares the interesting fact that flamingos can drink boiling water, and Jimmy Carr immediately asks how anyone found that out. "Must've been a really cruel man who found that out!" |
| 564 | [[/folder]] |
| 565 | |
| 566 | [[folder: Series G]] |
| 567 | * Stephen's brain fart in "Gothic": |
| 568 | -->'''Stephen:''' Speaking of this kind of infectious issue... Alan, you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. ''(turns to Jimmy Carr)'' Jimmy, you're now a zombie. You bite Jack. ''(turns to Jack Dee)'' Jack bites... ''(turns to Sue Perkins)'' Mel[[note]]Mel Giedroyc being Sue Perkins' former comedy performing partner[[/note]], and so on. |
| 569 | -->'''Alan:''' ...Sue. |
| 570 | -->'''Stephen:''' What? |
| 571 | -->'''Alan:''' Sue. |
| 572 | -->'''Stephen:''' ''(buries face in hands)'' |
| 573 | ** Cue Stephen [[RunningGag never hearing the end of it for the rest of the episode]]. |
| 574 | --->'''Alan:''' No one noticed, [[Creator/HughLaurie Hugh]]. |
| 575 | * From the Genders episode: |
| 576 | -->'''Stephen Fry:''' Why don't we have more women as guests on ''QI''? |
| 577 | -->''[...]'' |
| 578 | -->'''Ronni Ancona:''' Is this to do with the fact that people always say there aren't as many female comedians as there are men? Because, you know what, there's ''loads'' of female comedians, it's just that we never see them, because they're being systematically rounded up and kept in a pen just outside Harwich. But you can go and see them, and adopt them online, and you can visit them and feed them lines, and you might get a joke back. And then sometimes, some of them escape and disguise themselves as male comedians, but you can always tell which ones: it's the ones with the beards, just like ''[[Film/MontyPythonsLifeOfBrian The Life of Brian]]''. |
| 579 | -->'''Jack Dee:''' ''[buzzes]'' [[DeadpanSnarker Is it because once you get them started, they don't shut up?]] |
| 580 | ** HilariousInHindsight as of Series J; the episode "Jam, Jelly, and Juice" had ''three women''; even if one counts Stephen Fry, they still outnumbered the male members of the panel three to two. |
| 581 | * "Gallimaufrey": |
| 582 | ** In the "Call My Bluff" round, Phill announces that he's going to do his "in the style of the usual customary [[ClassicallyTrainedExtra out-of-work actor]] they used to have on ''Call My Bluff'', who would then [[ChewingTheScenery really lean into his definition]] in an effort to [[MoneyDearBoy beg for work]]." |
| 583 | --->IMAGINE IF YOU WILL... a lone figure walking across Hampstead Heath, the sun GLINT-ing off his very eyes. For! He is making his way back from an evening at the INN, where he has partaken of mead, and other...[[FascinatingEyebrow lascivious beverages]]. ADORNING THE CHIN OF SAID STOUT FELLOW... are pimples! For! They betray his excesses, and these, at the time, were known... as... ''[looks straight into the camera]'' Marty Fitch, 01-287-469, available for panto... ''[looks back at the panel]'' '''[[MundaneMadeAwesome grog blossom]]'''. |
| 584 | ** From the XL version, the discussion of various unusual alarm clocks, such as one that donates money to a political cause you hate each time you press the snooze button or one that runs off and hides when you press the snooze button. |
| 585 | --->'''Andy Hamilton''': That's a very demoralising start to the day, isn't it, being outwitted by a clock? |
| 586 | ** The RunningGag with Alan Davies [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ia_fL3O_bqM pretending to issue the first-ever drivers' licenses.]] |
| 587 | * "Groovy": |
| 588 | ** The extended gag with [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z-nTSAuokRs Alan Davies and Bill Bailey pretending to be the horribly malformed hidden Osmond brother]] who writes all their songs, ending with Bill glomping onto Creator/DavidTennant and chewing on his boutonniere.[[note]]Unfortunately becomes somewhat HarsherInHindsight when you learn that the Osmonds really do have two mentally ill brothers who live outside of the public eye.[[/note]] |
| 589 | -->'''Lee Mack''': And that's how they kill off David Tennant! |
| 590 | ** Stephen explains that "groovy" may also have had sexual connotations for the "lady bits". |
| 591 | --->'''David Tennant''': Ooh hello... |
| 592 | ** It was suggested that Creator/DavidTennant knew so much from all his [[Series/DoctorWho time traveling]]: |
| 593 | --->'''Stephen Fry:''' ''([[CoughSnarkCough cough]])'' He's acting... |
| 594 | --->'''Bill Bailey:''' ''(to Tennant, sotto voce)'' What's he talking about? |
| 595 | --->'''David Tennant:''' Don't listen to the bad man. |
| 596 | --->'''Bill Bailey:''' Yeah, I know, it's a documentary. |
| 597 | ** Later, after Lee Mack makes a snide remark about Tennant being a ThriftyScot, Tennant starts waving his pen around like a Sonic Screwdriver. He then makes an observation that during World War II, the British army had a tank touring throughout the UK, and encouraged people to chuck their spare change into the tank for the war effort. |
| 598 | --->'''Tennant''': And where did they get the most money? Glasgow! |
| 599 | --->'''Lee Mack''': Yeah, 'cause they thought it was a big fruit machine. "Look, I won a soldier, Mummy!" |
| 600 | ** Bill Bailey suggesting the word 'cool' originated with "jazz Nazis." |
| 601 | --->'''Bill Bailey''': ''[German accent]'' "Zees new uniforms are ''cool''!"\ |
| 602 | '''Alan Davies''': ''[German accent]'' "I joined ze Nazi party. Zey're cool, daddy-o! And bezides, I had no choice."\ |
| 603 | '''Bill Bailey''': "I burnt down ze Reichstag." "Cool!" |
| 604 | * "Genius": |
| 605 | ** The surreal digression prompted by Alan Davies' observation that a man in a Renaissance painting of the death of da Vinci bears an uncanny resemblance to 1970s British actor [[Series/WhateverHappenedToTheLikelyLads Rodney Bewes]]. |
| 606 | --->'''Dara Ó Briain''': So, Rodney Bewes is the Franchise/{{Highlander}}? |
| 607 | --->'''Creator/{{David Mitchell|Actor}}''': What a weird, unsettling thing to discover that would be. In the context of the credit crunch and everything, suddenly to discover that Rodney Bewes was immortal... I mean, can you imagine on the news them going [serious voice] "And today it emerged that actor Rodney Bewes has been alive for as long as time"? |
| 608 | ** In the same episode: David Mitchell's [[http://youtu.be/NmV8MyYezlk response]] to the vicious double-bluff pulled by Stephen, to compensate for the panelists' increasing [[GenreSavvy knowledge of how the show works]]. |
| 609 | --->'''Stephen''': How many brains did Film/TheManWithTwoBrains have? ''[visible awkwardness, as all the panelists [[GenreSavvy refuse to take the seemingly obvious bait]]]''\ |
| 610 | '''Alan''': ...Two?\ |
| 611 | '''Stephen''': ...yes! ''[Audience laughter]'' That's ''brilliant''!\ |
| 612 | '''David''': '''''IT'S CRUEL! IT'S SO CRUEL!''''' ''[turning to Stephen]'' It's just the technique of the bully! You ''hit'' us, then you go, "Oh, what, did you think I was going to hit you? [[FalseReassurance No I'm not going to hit you, no]]. This is my hand...to ''stroke you''." And we're here going ''[whimpering]'' '''''"Aahh! Aaaahhh! He's stroking me!!!"''''' |
| 613 | * The Series G episode "Greats," particularly the discussion on giant tortoises. David Mitchell, Sean Lock, and Alan Davies discussing why it took 300 years to give a Latin name to the [[https://youtu.be/zPggB4MfPnk giant tortoise]] is much, much funnier than it sounds[[note]]Long story short - the tortoises kept getting ''eaten'' before they made it back to England[[/note]]. |
| 614 | * "Gardens": |
| 615 | ** The episode features a discussion of bees and feeding them honey to help them get better, which is followed up by Alan accusing Dara Ó Briain of being a murderer after he says his normal reaction is to just kill them, which is then itself followed by a discussion about feeding bees more honey than they make in a lifetime, which ends with them talking about killing bees ironically by ''drowning'' them in honey. |
| 616 | --->'''Dara Ó Briain:''' This is more honey than this bee has ever before seen in its ''life''!!\ |
| 617 | '''David Mitchell:''' You're ''insulting'' it apart from anything else. It's like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral! |
| 618 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5726yg7-5js The clip can be found here.]] It's even more hilarious to watch. |
| 619 | ** In the XL version, reciting the "I'm a little teapot" rhyme, only to realise, in mid-flow, "Oh bugger, I'm a sugar bowl."[[labelnote:*]](Neither of his arms was in the correct position for "spout". Long-term viewers of such children's fare as ''Lamb-Chop's Playalong'' may recall the gag was used there as well.)[[/labelnote]] Alternatively it may be a reference to the fact that sugar bowl pie is gay slang for analingus? |
| 620 | * Series G episode "Greeks": What are Olympic gold medals made of? The panel [[GenreSavvy collectively hesitates]] for about 20 seconds before Alan Davies gives in and says "gold" [[spoiler:which of course is the forfeit answer]]. |
| 621 | * The Series G episode "Green," where Jeremy Clarkson (of all people!) chides Stephen for wasting electricity by having two large screens to project images and getting him to turn one of them off, meaning that half the panel has to sit on the other side of the set for the rest of the show. Stephen then says: "And people say you're an enemy of the environment!" |
| 622 | ** Jeremy then declares that this is just a cunning scheme to ensure Bill Bailey [[HoYay will have to sit on his lap]], but he's doomed to disappointment. |
| 623 | ** He also came up with a complex scheme for putting tortoises on motorised wheels to help you carry things back from the shops. |
| 624 | * "Geometry": |
| 625 | ** Stephen attempting to provoke David Mitchell with a double bluff in the Series G episode "Geometry." David stayed calm. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cg1a5QlCdYo Johnny Vegas, on the other hand...]] |
| 626 | --->'''Johnny''': ''[upon hearing that the columns on the Parthenon look straight because they are]'' That's not a question! "Why does this man look thin? Because he is." ... This is why I struggled in school! "If a train travels at 40 miles an hour and leaves at 9 o'clock and arrives in Glasgow at 12 o'clock, how did it get there?" And you're going, "'Cause it did!"... ''[holds up his notebook with a squiggly line drawn on it]'' "Why does that look straight?" "Because it's not!" That could have been a question. ''[draws a straight line]'' "Why does that look straight? Because it IS!" ''[breaks down sobbing]'' Because it is... |
| 627 | ** In the XL version of the episode, Rob Brydon appears to place himself in the camp that finds Johnny's contributions of limited value, leading to a number of hilarious confrontations with Stephen when he appears less interested in Rob's factual contributions than Johnny's bizarre outbursts. This culminates in the discussion following a question about how many cricket pitches could fit into the state of Kansas when Rob spins from the fact that the capital of Kansas is Topeka to the fact that Music/ElvisPresley was born in the similar-sounding Tupelo, and proceeds to recite a condensed Presley biography. David Mitchell's expression of mounting confusion at how this is relevant to the discussion at hand is priceless. |
| 628 | --->'''David:''' It's like Radio 2 in the middle of the night!\ |
| 629 | '''Rob:''' ''[mock outrage, indicating Johnny]'' He has come up with such ''bilge'' and you sit there like we're in ''Film/RainMan'', loving it! I come out with something ''factual!'' ''And'' there are a lot of Elvis fans out there who will be loving that! |
| 630 | ** This is immediately followed by a question about the best place to see the future, and Rob muses on the fact that the best way to predict the future is to look for patterns in the past. Johnny apparently senses a BerserkButton to be pressed: |
| 631 | --->'''Johnny:''' ''[placing his hand on Rob's shoulder]'' When are you gonna realise he's not interested?\ |
| 632 | '''Rob:''' Listen, you- ''[to Stephen]'' Tell him you're interested!\ |
| 633 | '''Stephen:''' I'm very interested in that, that's a very, very good answer!\ |
| 634 | '''Rob:''' ''[to Johnny]'' Unlike when you speak, he's not ''frightened!''\ |
| 635 | ''[later, after David correctly guesses "by the International Date Line"]''\ |
| 636 | '''Johnny:''' Does it have [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gravity_hill the magic hill]], where you're going up, even though you're... ''[indicates going downhill]''\ |
| 637 | '''Stephen:''' Oh, it's not that, no, it's not that, no, this is ''literally'' the Date Line--\ |
| 638 | '''Johnny:''' ''[to Rob]'' See, that was stupid, but he entertained me!\ |
| 639 | '''Stephen:''' No, it wasn't stupid--\ |
| 640 | '''Johnny:''' I knew that was wrong, and he went, "No, of course it's not, Johnny", but with you, he just doesn't like you!\ |
| 641 | ''[Rob folds his arms and turns away, feigning offence]'' |
| 642 | ** The discussion of onomatopoeic words: |
| 643 | --->'''Stephen''': It's not that every single word in every language is onomatopoeic; it's merely an example like that.\ |
| 644 | '''Rob''': They often are, though, aren't they?\ |
| 645 | '''Stephen''': They often are.\ |
| 646 | '''Rob''': ''[slaps table]'' Desk.\ |
| 647 | '''Stephen''': Yeah. And-\ |
| 648 | '''Rob''': Desk. ''[picking up various objects]'' Tin! Tin! Tin! Tin! Boooooooooooook. Pen!\ |
| 649 | '''Alan''': This is how you teach a chimp to speak.\ |
| 650 | '''Rob''': Then pay attention. Paper. |
| 651 | ** After Johnny's response about playing in God by water-skiing down the International Date Line: |
| 652 | --->'''Rob:''' I wouldn't be surprised now if my parents came in and had a quiet word with you and asked if Johnny could be taken to another class because they feel that Rob isn't learning. |
| 653 | * From the G series: |
| 654 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXKoBpG19bI Alan is given a saw]]. First, he attempts to saw a notebook, then a QI cheat card, then his desk - and ''succeeds''. And then he attempts the ''plastic trees''. |
| 655 | --->'''Creator/{{David Mitchell|Actor}}:''' I ''really'' wish they hadn't made this set out of asbestos. |
| 656 | ** Meanwhile Stephen looks about two seconds away from having a stroke, considering the saw was, in fact, an artifact on loan from a museum. If Alan had broken it, there would have been hell to pay... |
| 657 | --->'''Stephen:''' The Gardening Museum, to whom we are very grateful for lending us ''*[looks pointedly at Alan]*'' these '''''incredibly valuable artifacts'''''... |
| 658 | * Ronni Ancona, when asked about a book called ''The Long Years of Obscurity'': |
| 659 | -->'''Ronni:''' Is this book about the word Obscurity before it got famous, how it was beaten by its adjective father, and left on the doorstep and abandoned by its mother, and then it was the only noun growing up in a house of verbs, and the verbs were always going out doing lovely things, because they're ''doing'' words, and poor Obscurity was stuck inside suffering from asthma, and then after school, it was surrounded by quotation marks and got beaten up terribly, and then one day it entered into a reality TV show and it became very famous, and it was much in demand and used to describe all the people that leave Big Brother House? |
| 660 | ** From the same episode, the introduction of Ancona's Mary Kingsley voice. |
| 661 | --->'''Ronni:''' It is ''so'' hard to wear yellow well, you know. |
| 662 | ** Stephen gets in on the fun, as well: |
| 663 | --->'''Stephen:''' Of course, you never knew Hitler, did you? |
| 664 | * From the Greats episode, a discussion of [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Ff_0S9K5b4&t=11m19s everyone on the panel being descended from Charlemagne.]] "I think it would be weird to learn you were related to someone fictional. ...You'd start to doubt your own existence." |
| 665 | * Alan recounting how he was mistaken for [[Series/KnowingMeKnowingYouWithAlanPartridge Alan]] [[Series/ImAlanPartridge Partridge]] by a drunken Scotsman. |
| 666 | * In "Germany": |
| 667 | ** The subject of Armistice Day in Germany is brought up: |
| 668 | --->'''Stephen Fry''': What happens on November 11th in Germany?\ |
| 669 | '''Alan Davies''': ''[German accent]'' Everything proceeds as normal. |
| 670 | ** Rob Brydon keeps going on and on and on about his new, long socks. He [[ShowSomeLeg shows them off]], waxes poetic about the feeling of security he gets from them, even draws the audience in on it. The rest of the panel mocks him ''mercilessly'' for this. |
| 671 | --->'''Rob Brydon''': They laughed at Edison, you know, they--\ |
| 672 | '''Stephen Fry''': They laughed at a lot of weirdos as well, though, Rob. ''[beat]'' You know, they ''did!'' I was just saying... |
| 673 | ** And then eventually a picture of Hitler appears on the screen, ''wearing long socks.'' |
| 674 | --->'''Rob''': Say what you want about the man... But nice socks. |
| 675 | ** Several of the '[[Series/FawltyTowers Don't mention the war]]' moments are pretty funny. In one, Sean Lock says that the Germans simply walked into Holland whenever they wanted. When he hears the klaxon, he says that he didn't mention the war: "I was talking about the Great Geschmertznift of 1762 when they just walked into Holland." Also this one: |
| 676 | --->'''Stephen:''' ...the Hollanders were at war with Britain many times...\ |
| 677 | '''Jo:''' You mentioned the war.\ |
| 678 | '''Stephen:''' 'At war with', not 'the war'.\ |
| 679 | '''Sean:''' ''(pointing at Jo)'' But ''you'' did.\ |
| 680 | ''[Jo [[FacePalm covers her face]], realizing [[HoistByHisOwnPetard what she's done]]; klaxon sounds]''\ |
| 681 | '''Stephen:''' It's a minefield! |
| 682 | ** And then there was the SchmuckBait question about "Who wrote ''Literature/BridesheadRevisited''?" The QI Elves interpreted [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evelyn_Waugh Sean's correct answer]] as "Evelyn ''[[AccentDepundent War]]''", resulting in ''yet another'' "don't mention the War" forfeit for Sean. |
| 683 | ** By the end, Sean had stopped caring about tripping the forfeit and when his record-breaking (for a guest) low score was read out he pretended to fire a machine gun into the audience. |
| 684 | [[/folder]] |
| 685 | |
| 686 | [[folder: Series H]] |
| 687 | * In the series opener, "Hodge Podge", Alan got the klaxon for his buzzer ''again'', putting him at -10 before the first question of the series was asked. |
| 688 | * In the episode "Hocus Pocus": |
| 689 | ** The buzzers were magic words - Creator/DanielRadcliffe, of course, got, "''[[Franchise/HarryPotter Expelliarmus!]]''" |
| 690 | ** From the same episode, there's [[SustainedMisunderstanding Lee Mack's confusion]] over the "[[http://youtu.be/duqlZXiIZqA I before E except after C]]" rule, in particular his constant suggestion of "ceiling." And Stephen's response to it: [[BerserkButton "Are you incapable of rational thought?!"]] |
| 691 | ** Daniel portrays himself as a ruthless points-whore throughout the episode, at one point openly regretting not knowing something because it would have given him "precious, precious points." |
| 692 | ** Graham Norton isn't fond of the jokes in the Christmas crackers the panel gets. |
| 693 | --->'''Graham:''' ''[reads joke, gives Stephen a look]'' Did you ''write'' these?\ |
| 694 | '''Stephen:''' Are they good?\ |
| 695 | '''Graham:''' It just sounds like something you might write. "Knock knock."\ |
| 696 | '''Stephen:''' Who's there?\ |
| 697 | '''Graham:''' "To."\ |
| 698 | '''Stephen:''' To who?\ |
| 699 | '''Graham:''' "To ''[[GrammarNazi whom]]'', surely." |
| 700 | ** While discussing Dedi the Egyptian Magician's famous trick of pulling off the head of a bird then reattaching it, Stephen, the panelists, and the audience all say, "[[Franchise/HarryPotter Accio]] Scott!" In order to get a stage magician to suddenly appear with a flash and a puff of smoke to Stephen's right[[note]]Which would be to the viewer's left.[[/note]]. That's already impressive enough, but what puts this in funny territory is Lee's [[BigOMG reaction]] to his appearance: |
| 701 | --->'''Lee: "OH MY ''GOD!"''''' |
| 702 | * From the H series episode "Health and Safety": |
| 703 | -->'''Jeremy Clarkson''': I've got a twisted testicle, a hideous skin disease, two slipped discs- |
| 704 | -->'''Alan Davies''': And a partridge in a pear tree! |
| 705 | * Alan's buzzer for the "Horrible" episode. The first three were somebody retching, a man shouting "That is disgusting!", somebody being violently sick, and then his was [[spoiler: "Hello, I'm Piers Morgan."]] |
| 706 | * "Mighty fuhrer of the sausage people!" |
| 707 | ** Also from "Highs and Lows," on learning that a certain type of cricket's chirping corresponds with the temperature outside, Rob Brydon has [[ThatCameOutWrong a slip of the tongue]]: |
| 708 | -->'''Rob:''' So the quicker it's chirping, the hotter it is?...well, it makes sense now when you think about when you've been in the hot country and [[AccidentalInnuendo you're tossing at night and you can't get off]]-- |
| 709 | -->'''Alan and Stephen:''' ''[look]'' |
| 710 | -->'''Rob:''' No! No, no, no, no, no. I'm simply not having it! |
| 711 | -->'''Sandi Toksvig:''' [[YouNeedToGetLaid Sounds like it]]. |
| 712 | ** A discussion of the channel tunnel's construction is sidetracked when Rob notices one of the workers was dressed as Superman. |
| 713 | --->'''Stephen:''' They were told to wear high-visibility clothing, and [[ExactWords he did]]. |
| 714 | * Ross Noble in the H series. |
| 715 | -->''If [a monkey testicle] was scaled to the size of the Earth, it would take hours to scratch.'' |
| 716 | * Also from "Hodge Podge": |
| 717 | -->'''Stephen:''' What "H" means you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride? |
| 718 | -->'''Phill:''' Hepatitis C. |
| 719 | -->'''Stephen:''' ''Oh''. Oddly enough you're surprisingly right, in a kind of way. |
| 720 | -->'''Phill:''' Herpes. |
| 721 | * In "Humanity", when Stephen says that slavery was only outlawed (not to be confused with abolished) in the UK in 2010, Alan asks if he's finally free this year. |
| 722 | * In "H-Anatomy": |
| 723 | ** Alan Davies tying a wire around the arm of the skeletons behind Fry, and proceeding to wait until all eyes are on Stephen to slowly inch the arm towards him... |
| 724 | --->'''Stephen:''' Ah, I have been goosed by the palm of a skeleton. |
| 725 | --->'''Alan:''' I've been sitting here for ten minutes thinking "when should I do it, when should I do it?" |
| 726 | ** And when Alan tried moving the skeleton some more, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NtjLIHKcu1A he caused it to fall over...]] |
| 727 | * "Hoaxes": |
| 728 | ** From the XL version, Sean Lock and David Mitchell's discussion on whether or not NASA was responsible for the death of Michael Jackson. Their conclusion? [[spoiler: Not NASA, no. ''Buzz Aldrin''.]] |
| 729 | ** In the episode's General Ignorance round, the topic of oranges being green eventually becomes a discussion of the word's original name and spelling. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oonvqrU4rK8#t=7m32s Sean Lock sends everything downhill.]] |
| 730 | * The funniest thing ever for Rich Hall: [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_McCririck John [=McCririck=]]] [[{{Schadenfreude}} falling out of a boat]]. |
| 731 | -->'''Rich:''' Funniest thing I ever saw was John [=McCririck=] fall out of a boat. |
| 732 | -->'''Stephen:''' ''[looks very interested]'' ''Really''? |
| 733 | -->'''Rich:''' Pretended it didn't happen, and I was interviewing him, and so none of the crew could laugh until two hours later. ''Everyone'' laughed at the same time and didn't stop for half an hour. They kept it in for two hours. It is possible. |
| 734 | -->'''Stephen:''' That's ''fantastic''. Because he was so... Sort of... [[TheComicallySerious Pompously refusing]]...? |
| 735 | -->'''Rich:''' Well, yeah, he's a big, blustery guy, and he had a [[CigarChomper cigar]]... And he fell right on top of me. And then fell out of the boat. And then got back in and said; 'Right. [[SelectiveObliviousness Where were we]]?' ''[makes 'Whut?' face]'' 'You just fell out of the boat! You're dripping wet!' Cigar just hanging out of his mouth... Guy pretended it never happened! So ''we'' all pretended it didn't happen until two hours later. We're driving back and the guy driving was just... ''[makes zig-zag gesture]'' ..almost wrecked, he was laughing so hard. |
| 736 | * In "Hypnosis, Hallucinations & Hysteria": |
| 737 | ** Stephen brings out a live lobster from under his desk, demonstrates how to hypnotize it (you stroke its back), and then expects it to wake up when he lifts it off of the desk... except it doesn't wake up. So he stuffs it quietly underneath his desk and pretends it never happened. |
| 738 | --->"Well. Dinner's sorted..." |
| 739 | ** Robert Webb's reaction to (knowingly) setting off the klaxon. Both times. |
| 740 | ** Phill Jupitus has a minor breakdown over a revelation over the setting sun[[note]]to make it even better, if one listens very carefully, you can hear Ronni Ancona sounding completely bemused and saying "What?" after Stephen makes his initial statement about the mirage.[[/note]]. |
| 741 | --->'''Phill''': I...''hate'' this show. 'Cause the sun...is ''there!'' And you're like ''[imitating Stephen]'' '''NO.''' ''[[[{{Angrish}} briefly incoherent]]]'' It's the ''Sun!'' ''[imitating Stephen again]'' '''NOT THERE.''' '''''MIRAAAAGGGEEEE...''''' |
| 742 | *** Even better after the speech about the dangers New Zealand drivers face when driving into the sunset. |
| 743 | ---->'''Phill''': Well I dare say the drivers of New Zealand when they see the sun setting are reassured to know...that it's ''not'' '''''there.''''' |
| 744 | *** A short time later, to kick off the "General Ignorance" round: |
| 745 | ---->'''Stephen''': What shape is this staircase? |
| 746 | ---->'''Phill''': It's '''''NOT THERE.''''' |
| 747 | ---->'''Stephen''': Now, ''Phill'' … |
| 748 | * In "H-Animals", Ross Noble does an [[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UV0-c_l_rZ4 impression]] of a "hagfishman" who can create massive amounts of slime at will. |
| 749 | [[/folder]] |
| 750 | |
| 751 | [[folder: Series I]] |
| 752 | * From "I-Spy": |
| 753 | ** In a discussion about how aye-ayes are so ugly they don't want to mate with each other, but they live in the dark: |
| 754 | --->'''Lee Mack''': That's how Jimmy mates. |
| 755 | --->'''Jimmy Carr''': I can't believe your wife told you that story. |
| 756 | ** At the ''QI'' Sport Relief special (recorded at the same session as "I-Spy"), Alan guesses that the most popular sport in Britain in 1835 was horse racing and sets off the klaxon yet again: |
| 757 | --->'''Alan:''' I have that noise in my sleep now. Even my dreams are wrong! |
| 758 | --->'''Jimmy Carr:''' D'you know what? I've had a few of those, Alan, it's nothing to worry about. |
| 759 | ** Jimmy and Lee are taken aback by [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORoTCBrCKIQ an optical illusion]]. |
| 760 | * "International": |
| 761 | ** Bill Bailey jokes about using his "Nobody Knows" card when the subject of the scoring system comes up. Funny by itself, but a minute later Stephen checks the scores and announces Bill has 3 points (note that was before any questions had been asked) while everyone else is at 0. |
| 762 | --->'''David Mitchell:''' Why ''three''? I'd've thought one or ten, but ''three''? How do you divine your contribution and get three?\ |
| 763 | '''Bill Bailey''': Three points: ''[indicates other panellists]'' better than you, better than you, and ''better than you!'' Three! |
| 764 | ** Stephen's giant fake mustache - and the comment that it'll probably have its own website soon - and the weird gadgets men used to use for them. And then [[http://stephenfrysmustache.tumblr.com/ it did]]. |
| 765 | ** Alan noticing that, in a photo from the 1936 Olympics, Herman Goering looks like he's making a "neener-neener" gesture: |
| 766 | --->'''Alan''': No, no, the one on the far right. |
| 767 | --->'''David''': Surely they're ALL on the far right! |
| 768 | * "Imbroglio": |
| 769 | ** A hesitant display of [[GenreSavvy Genre Savviness]]: |
| 770 | --->'''Stephen''': What do the signal bars on your phone mean?\ |
| 771 | '''Alan''' [''hesitantly'']: Well... it means... how much signal you can...\ |
| 772 | '''Stephen''': Don't be scared...\ |
| 773 | '''Sean Lock''': It means... um... well... how well the speaker... in the sky... and it comes through... and all gone...\ |
| 774 | '''Stephen''': I need it in English, I'm afraid, in order to give you points...\ |
| 775 | '''Sean''': Talkie -- talkie power all gone away! Sky no fly down in ear -- hair -- ear!\ |
| 776 | '''Alan''': Big bird in sky -- you're either connected... |
| 777 | ** Stephen, during the course of discussing French-derived words that have no meaning in French, laments the construction of a certain bathroom fixture: |
| 778 | --->'''Stephen''': They do indeed have 'bidet', though, in actuality, it'd be easier to do a handstand in the shower. If you want the expense of a bidet- |
| 779 | --->'''Sean''': Easier?! |
| 780 | --->'''Stephen''': If you're as nimble as I am. |
| 781 | --->'''Sean''': Nimble? I'd pay good money to see that. I'd like to see you doing that, with a camera up here (holds hand above his head) going "Tweet this!". |
| 782 | *** The "handstand in the shower" became a RunningGag in the episode and is eventually dubbed the "irrigated semi-colonic". |
| 783 | * From "Invertebrates": |
| 784 | ** Alan's reaction to learning about 'worm charming', and the fact that at a recent worm-charming festival there were [[EpicFail no worms found by anyone]]: |
| 785 | --->'''Alan''': At least when you go trainspotting, there are trains! |
| 786 | --->'''Johnny Vegas''': The trainspotters are over a hill, shouting "GET A LIFE!" |
| 787 | ** We get to see Stephen, Alan, and Johnny Vegas all eat candy-covered insects with varying results of disgust and distress. With Johnny Vegas claiming (a la ComicBook/SpiderMan) that eating a scorpion gave him the superpower of... being able to do a forward roll. |
| 788 | * "Incomprehensible": |
| 789 | ** The entire discussion about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r_TlPwZOvU throwing Ewoks into lakes of methane]]. |
| 790 | ** Ross Noble can rest assured that he was the first person alive to say "I could be tossing Ewoks into a lake of farts" on television. |
| 791 | ** And earlier on in the show, when the topic of Ewoks comes up for the first time. |
| 792 | ---> (after a long, serious discussion about Saturn's rings and moons) |
| 793 | ---> '''Ross Noble''': ... this is the one thing I wanted to ask you, of all these moons, which one's the most likely to be home to Ewoks? |
| 794 | ---> '''Brian Cox''': That would be Titan, I think. |
| 795 | ---> '''Ross''': Titan? |
| 796 | ---> '''Brian''': Yeah, it's got a thicker atmosphere than the Earth, so you'd have to be furry. |
| 797 | ** From the same episode, Alan theorises what his [=SatNav=] would be like if Stephen recorded it for him, personally: |
| 798 | --->'''Alan:''' Left! Left, you moron! |
| 799 | * Reading town mottos, in Incomprehensible. |
| 800 | -->'''Stephen''': Welcome to [[http://www.towerhamlets.gov.uk/ Tower Hamlets]] - Let's make it... |
| 801 | -->'''Alan''': ...out alive. |
| 802 | * On the Illness episode: |
| 803 | ** Jo Brand attempted to answer every question with an insult to Creator/MichaelWinner. After about four questions, the phrase "Michael Winner" set off the klaxon. |
| 804 | ** This was later followed by the following allusion to Winner's appearances in an E-sure Insurance ad campaign: |
| 805 | --->'''Stephen''': Now, I'm feeling extremely '''angry'''! What should I do? |
| 806 | --->'''Alan''': "Calm down, dear!" |
| 807 | ** The response to Ben Goldacre's discussion of how pharmaceutical companies pushed discussions of female sexual dysfunction, choosing to bring up the phrase: "Clitoral blood flow imaging." |
| 808 | --->'''Alan''': I think that might have been the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. "Clitoral blood flow imaging...?" |
| 809 | --->'''Stephen''': [[AGoodNameforaRockBand "...dot com?"]] |
| 810 | * The Series I episode "Idleness" (as of this writing, only available in the XL version) features a question about the American nuclear arms code, leading into a discussion of password protection. |
| 811 | -->'''Ross Noble''': If you need lots of different ones for lots of different things, do what I do and have each of the seven dwarfs... ''(realizes what he just said, [[FacePalm covers his head]])'' Oh shit. |
| 812 | -->'''Stephen''': Oh, you've given it away. |
| 813 | * Series I, episode 6 had Bill Bailey, Alan Davies, and Sean Lock [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKr_8OdFDmM playing with puppets]] in honour of the presence of ventriloquist Nina Conti on the panel. [[HilarityEnsues Hilarity Ensued]], culminating in Bill breaking his buzzer's covering. |
| 814 | ** Later in the same episode, when the talk comes round to imaginary friends, Sean Lock comments that he'd never had any imaginary friends (they didn't want to play with him), but then notes: |
| 815 | --->'''Sean''': I hear voices. But I ignore them and ''carry on killing''. |
| 816 | * Creator/BrianBlessed pulling Sean Lock off his chair. Repeatedly. |
| 817 | ** Also from the Ice episode, Brian's story about the wolf that accompanied him on one of his expeditions. |
| 818 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0fLw-FQmcYg&t=6m27s The panelists trying out their buzzers]], getting little crystalline chimes... and when Creator/BrianBlessed tries his, he, of course, gets massive church bells. |
| 819 | ** Alan managing to vigorously shake apart two phonebooks that were apparently incapable of being separated by brute force. |
| 820 | ** Alan's facial expression when Stephen informed him that the [[ItMakesSenseInContext rods that the panel were being handed were lubed]]. |
| 821 | * From "Illumination": |
| 822 | -->'''Stephen:''' Tell me something quite interesting about the original geishas. |
| 823 | -->'''Jack Dee:''' ''[sarcastically]'' They were all men. |
| 824 | -->'''Stephen:''' ''[[AccidentalTruth Yes]]!'' |
| 825 | -->'''Jack:''' Oh, God... |
| 826 | * From "The Immortal Bard": |
| 827 | ** Sue Perkins' reaction upon being told ''WesternAnimation/TheLionKing1994'' was based on Theatre/{{Hamlet}}: |
| 828 | --->'''Sue:''' At which point does Hamlet say "Hakuna Matata"?! |
| 829 | ** At one point, the discussion moves to Morris dancers. Bill Bailey points out that if anyone were to take a photograph of the panel at that moment - all dressed up in Elizabethan attire with a Morris man in the background - they would end up as a joke report on foreign news networks. |
| 830 | --->'''Bill:''' Et finalement, les anglais![[labelnote:*]]And finally, the English![[/labelnote]] PWAHA! |
| 831 | ** Also, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EavSbv3sVHU Stephen has some trouble with the Elizabethan attire]] and says, |
| 832 | --->This [[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bit_of_rough bit of ruff]] is not behaving... [[LampshadedDoubleEntendre I've said that before]]. |
| 833 | [[/folder]] |
| 834 | |
| 835 | [[folder: Series J]] |
| 836 | * From "Jargon": |
| 837 | ** Victoria Coren reveals she had a nightmare about her first appearance on the show, where Stephen asks "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?" and she got the klaxon on "Worship It." What was the last question on the show? You guessed it. And did Victoria set off the klaxon? Of course she did. (The words were misaligned, indicating it had been hurriedly typed in. Hopefully, she didn't get docked actual points, since it wasn't a real question, though she won the game in any case.) |
| 838 | ** Discussion about birds goes into more and more innuendo-laden names (Jizz, Tit-master, Spotty Chested Member). When Stephen asks where would one of them be found Victoria Coren finally snaps. |
| 839 | --->'''Victoria:''' Breast-Cock Lane? |
| 840 | ** It becomes even better when you realise that Victoria had been really nervous about coming on the show, then they spent the entire thing making off-colour jokes about genitalia. |
| 841 | --->'''Stephen:''' A normal male ejaculation, if there is such a thing - |
| 842 | --->'''Victoria:''' ''[indignant]'' I came here to talk about the Aztecs. |
| 843 | * The entire topic of ''Franchise/SherlockHolmes'' and [[AccidentalInnuendo ejaculation]], even Victoria Coren [[ActuallyPrettyFunny couldn't keep a straight face.]] |
| 844 | * From "Jam, Jelly and Juice": |
| 845 | ** When Stephen tells the team to eat miracle berry, his instructions become a veritable innuendo storm: |
| 846 | --->'''Stephen''': Don't swallow it. Roll it around your tongue. Try and do a bit of action on it. Spread it all over your tongue. Don't swallow it. I want it to cover all of your tongue. It does something extraordinary to your tongue.\ |
| 847 | '''Alan''': I must remember this speech. |
| 848 | ** Also from the same episode, where the team was discussing Marie Antoinette's breast-shaped utensils: |
| 849 | --->'''Sue Perkins''': I hate the word "breasts". |
| 850 | --->'''Liza Tarbuck''': I do too! |
| 851 | --->'''Sue''': Let's just say... |
| 852 | --->'''Liza''': "Bosoms". |
| 853 | --->'''Sue''': ..."jugs", "tits", "norks"... |
| 854 | --->'''Stephen''': [[ThatCameOutWrong I like 'titties']]. |
| 855 | --->'''Sue''': Do you? You heard it here first, folks! |
| 856 | ** The "speech jam" demo. Each of the panellists got a turn: |
| 857 | *** Alan confounded Stephen's attempt to trip him up (also a Moment of Awesome), as he was almost completely unaffected. |
| 858 | *** Jo couldn't even finish her first sentence, getting completely tripped up. |
| 859 | *** Liza did fairly well, though not quite as well as Alan...and then, started slipping dirty terminology into the passage she was reading. |
| 860 | *** Perhaps the funniest was Sue; once the "jamming" started, she sounded increasingly like she was drunk. |
| 861 | ** Later in the episode, the panelists were handed special cups to drink out of, being warned by Stephen that there were holes around the rim. Sue ''constantly'' tries to use it as a standard cup, spilling water all over herself and the counter throughout the segment. |
| 862 | * In 'J-Places': |
| 863 | ** Music/BillBailey using the same twiddling-his-fingers impression to represent a wide range of activities as a RunningGag. |
| 864 | ** Bill gets tricked via InnocentInnuendo: |
| 865 | --->'''Stephen''': Now, we all know how to make Cock Soup. But how would you make manish water? |
| 866 | --->'''Bill''': ... Sorry, I don't know how to make Cock Soup. |
| 867 | --->'''Stephen''': Cock-a-leekie! Chicken Soup. |
| 868 | --->'''Bill''': Oh I see. I thought it was some terrible euphemism. |
| 869 | --->'''Stephen''': A euphemism for pheasant? |
| 870 | ** [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb2fZQrAZYI Bill's impression]] of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gérard_de_Nerval Gerard de Nerval]] walking his pet lobster (played by Alan). |
| 871 | --->'''Bill''': ''Vite, vite, Monsieur Clicky!'' |
| 872 | --->'''Alan''': ''L'eau! S'il vous plait, l'eau!'' |
| 873 | * In "Joints", Jack Whitehall's constant schoolboy flirting with Stephen Fry. |
| 874 | -->'''Jack''': My sphincter just tightened. |
| 875 | * In "Jungles": |
| 876 | ** GenreSavvy Alan managed to trick Greg Proops into a penalty. |
| 877 | --->'''Stephen''': What would be the best way for Tarzan to get around the jungle?\ |
| 878 | '''Alan''': He gets around by swinging... what does he swing on, Greg?\ |
| 879 | '''Greg''': Vines?\ |
| 880 | ''[klaxon]'' |
| 881 | ** After 10 series, Alan starts suspecting a klaxon no matter how simple the instruction. |
| 882 | --->'''Stephen''': Alan, what I'd like you to do is to press your buzzer. |
| 883 | --->'''Alan''': ''(doesn't want to)'' ... It's gonna be a trap. |
| 884 | * In "Jumpers": |
| 885 | ** When a conversation about loo rolls has somehow, ''somehow'' managed to find its way to the idea of the seats being outfitted to double as sex toys: |
| 886 | --->'''Stephen''': I have to tell you that the little baby Jesus, whom I have never believed in until this minute, has told me to change the subject. |
| 887 | ** Ross Noble's very literal answer to the first question: |
| 888 | --->'''Stephen''': First tonight, I'd like you all to give me your impression of some Mexican jumping beans. |
| 889 | --->'''Ross''': ''[in a Mexican accent]'' "Hello, we are jumping beans!" |
| 890 | ** One of the subjects of that episode is a festival in Spain in which people jump over babies to purge them of their original sin. Which leads to this from Ross: |
| 891 | --->'''Ross''': I love the concept of original sin. It's like you go to confess and you go in and the priest goes "It's not original enough." "All right then, I got a transit van and pushed it into a bouncy castle." "Yep, I haven't heard that before, you can have it." |
| 892 | ** Stephen's introduction to that episode's jolly jape: |
| 893 | --->'''Stephen''': What I'm going to try and do is I'm going to try and create something that will make you think "No! No, Stephen, this is not possible! Stephen, I will now bow down and worship you forever." I'm going to try and create... [[PunctuatedForEmphasis a square... bubble]]. "Shut ''up'', Stephen!" |
| 894 | * In "Jobs", Fry brings up Alice in Wonderland, and consequently, the Tim Burton film, in which Fry voiced the Chesire Cat. Pretending to struggle to remember who voiced the character, a la RuleOfFunny, Alan answers with "Hugh Laurie". |
| 895 | -->'''Stephen''': [Disonantly happily] Minus 2000 points. |
| 896 | * In "Jingle Bells", Stephen's attempt to convince Sarah Millican to raise a "shiny" baby leads Phill Jupitus to suspect him of owning a baby-buffing workshop. |
| 897 | * In "Justice": |
| 898 | ** Brian Cox used his buzzer to great effect in the discussion [[ItMakesSenseInContext about the size of Alan's penis]]. [[spoiler: All rise!]] |
| 899 | ** The entire conversation referred to above goes on for five minutes and illustrates the numerous ways one can and cannot be held liable for slander... centering around [[spoiler:the size of Alan's penis]]. |
| 900 | ** After Stephen gives tips on how to deal with hecklers, Rhys Darby and Jason Manford take notes. |
| 901 | ** Alan somehow mishearing "killing a Spaniard" as "stealing a bicycle", and Brian Cox's protests that [[ComicallyMissingThePoint the bicycle hadn't been invented in the time period they were discussing]]. |
| 902 | ** After a bizarre gag where the panelists flash the audience, Stephen Fry quips in astonishment, "Now I see why they call you Professor Brian '''Cox'''!" |
| 903 | ** During the discussion of the surprisingly strict rules on a real-life pirate ship, one of the quoted rules was "If at any time you meet with a prudent woman, that man that offers to meddle with her, without her consent, shall suffer present death." |
| 904 | --->'''Alan''': So "meddling" was... rape, really.\ |
| 905 | '''Stephen''': I think essentially we are talking about rape, yes.\ |
| 906 | '''Alan''': [[HaveAGayOldTime That kind of lost its meaning by the time]] ''WesternAnimation/ScoobyDoo'' came on... |
| 907 | [[/folder]] |
| 908 | |
| 909 | [[folder: Series K]] |
| 910 | * Episode 03, "K-Folk": |
| 911 | ** Canadian comedienne and first-time guest Katherine Ryan reveals that "shagging the dog" is a Canadian idiom meaning to intentionally lax your standards when doing work. Needless to say, this caused a lot of merriment because the term has an ''entirely'' [[BestialityIsDepraved different meaning]] in British English. To say nothing of the subsequent DiggingYourselfDeeper... |
| 912 | --->'''Katherine:''' Yeah, like if you're not working very hard you're just shagging the dog.\ |
| 913 | ''(Beat, while this sinks in)''\ |
| 914 | '''Stephen:''' Not in this country, madam! In this country when we shag a dog we know what we're doing! And it's pretty hard work, let me tell you. |
| 915 | ** On why Stephen [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYtpAcP41II will not eat Alan's noodles]]: |
| 916 | --->'''Stephen''': But, you are already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles, ''and'' you didn't invite me...\ |
| 917 | '''Alan''': ''[offended]'' I ''did'' invite you! You didn't come!\ |
| 918 | '''Stephen''': ''[covers his face in his hands]'' I-I was abroad...\ |
| 919 | '''Alan''': Yeah, you know what you were doing? You were filming an episode of ''Series/{{Bones}}''! |
| 920 | ** The same episode causes a lot of AccidentalInnuendo-laden talk near the end when Stephen [[http://youtu.be/dTquWPAndXM attempts to show exactly how an explosion]] could happen in a custard factory. |
| 921 | --->'''Phill Jupitus:''' This... There's just too many {{double entendre}}s! You [[UnusualEuphemism "pumping custard"]]...\ |
| 922 | '''Stephen:''' Oh, stop it. ''(To the audience)'' Are you ready for me to pump the custard?\ |
| 923 | '''Phill:''' OH MY GOD. |
| 924 | *** And once the experiment is over: |
| 925 | ---->'''Alan:''' I could feel the heat! If I had been sitting [in his usual place], I could have been ignited.\ |
| 926 | '''Stephen:''' You could have been covered in hot custard.\ |
| 927 | ''(Massive waves of laughter)''\ |
| 928 | '''Phill:''' I told you! |
| 929 | * "Knits and Knots": |
| 930 | ** [[https://youtu.be/Fp266vZy59s Ross Noble and Alan Davies trying to separate cuffs]], complete with inadvertent GroinAttack. |
| 931 | --->'''Sue Perkins''': I think technically you're now married. |
| 932 | ** Sue then figures out the correct way by citing a NoodleIncident. |
| 933 | --->'''Sue''': Uh, okay, this is what we did when we were regularly handcuffed together [[CopsAndRobbers as children]]. |
| 934 | * Episode 06, "Killers", has Sandi Toksvig getting so many wild guesses right that Stephen eventually starts accusing her of cribbing his notes. |
| 935 | ** Trevor Noah made a supporting comment about the rag-doll effect, comparing it to how a [[DeadBabyComedy dropped baby will be fine]]. |
| 936 | ** Not to mention Stephen (who is gay) and Sandi (who is also gay), swooning over Trevor Noah and his impressive knowledge of werewolves and [[http://youtu.be/baEiWB2aM9Y his singing of Miriam Makeba's "Qongqothwane]]", a.k.a. "The Click Song". |
| 937 | * In his debut appearance on "Knowledge", Graham Linehan expresses dismay when he finishes in fifth place, behind the audience. |
| 938 | -->'''Graham:''' But I'm ''on the show''! |
| 939 | * In "Keys", Stephen Fry tells a Grimm fairy tale about a boy who finds a key and a locked box in a forest. As he gets to the part where the boy unlocks the box, Music/BillBailey and Music/TimMinchin start playing ominous, but very intrusive music on the keyboards that have been provided to them for the episode. Stephen just waits for them to stop the build-up to continue: "[[spoiler:[[TheUnreveal End of story]].]]" |
| 940 | * Near the end of "Kinetic", Stephen asks about the largest waterfall in the world. After a few guesses and a forfeit, he reveals that it's a currently unnamed underwater waterfall of cold water. Moving along, he asks for the largest river in the world (it's in the sky) and the largest river that is actually on the ground (the Rio Hamza, a subterranean river beneath the Amazon), giving out forfeits appropriately. And then he asks for the largest animal in the world, at which point Alan is not inclined to answer. So Marcus Brigstocke buzzes in and offers [[RunningGag the blue whale]], ''which is the correct answer''. Alan's reaction is priceless. |
| 941 | * About a third of the way into "Keeps," the ''audience'' gets the klaxon for saying there are 1024 bytes are in a kilobyte (the correct answer being 1000; 1024 bytes now, apparently, make a kibibyte).[[note]] It's worth noting that Computers themselves still count using Base 2, because actual hardware needs to have paired bytes, no matter what the SI system says. More [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/JEDEC_memory_standards#Unit_prefixes_for_semiconductor_storage_capacity here]]. A Kibibyte is the 'On paper only' 1000 bytes.[[/note]] |
| 942 | * During "Kings", Stephen poses the question of what has "twenty legs, five heads, and can't reach its own nuts". Cue a photoshopped picture of the contestants' heads imposed on some can-can dancers mid-leg lift, with hazelnuts around their groin areas. |
| 943 | -->'''Jeremy Clarkson''': Westlife.\ |
| 944 | ''{{Beat}}, nothing happens''\ |
| 945 | '''Stephen''': Ooooh, you were so lucky. You see, I know what the klaxon was.\ |
| 946 | '''Jimmy Carr''': I presume the klaxon... Shall I?\ |
| 947 | '''Jeremy''': Yeah, go on.\ |
| 948 | '''Jimmy''': One Direction.\ |
| 949 | '''**KLAXON**'''\ |
| 950 | '''Stephen:''' You're so behind, Jeremy, it's very sweet. |
| 951 | * Pretty much all of "Kinky" could fit into this, [[http://youtu.be/Pq4ZSLtfgdc especially at the end]] when [[ItMakesSenseInContext Stephen makes a homemade dildo]]. |
| 952 | -->'''Stephen''': It's slightly warm. Feels rather gorgeous. ''({{Beat}} as he realizes [[ThatCameOutWrong what he'd just said]])'' |
| 953 | ** Or Janet Street-Porter describing her ex-husband's "irrational fear of tomatoes": |
| 954 | --->'''Sandi''': Did he know why?\ |
| 955 | '''Stephen''': ''Ir''rational. If there was a reason, then it would be a rational fear of tomatoes.\ |
| 956 | '''Sandi''': There is no such thing as a "rational fear of tomatoes"! |
| 957 | * In "Kris Kringle", after the klaxon "Because [Santa Claus] isn't real", Phill turns around and starts staring at it in absolute shock, complete with holding onto the panel for support, and then runs to hug Stephen for comfort. |
| 958 | ** Stephen's flirting with Tristan and subsequently when they are showing the 'reverse knitting' machine in action: |
| 959 | --->'''Stephen''': Look at how cunning that little thing is the way it moves, that little...\ |
| 960 | '''Phill''': He's ''called'' Tristan, Stephen! |
| 961 | ** Brendan O'Carroll's phone going off during the show. |
| 962 | [[/folder]] |
| 963 | |
| 964 | [[folder: Series L]] |
| 965 | * L-animals: |
| 966 | ** Ross Noble mimes dolphins making noises with a conch shell in a slightly suggestive manner, one thing leads to another, and the whole group is miming pleasuring a sperm whale penis. Culminating in "She's gonna blow!" with the expected look on Stephen's face. |
| 967 | ** Stephen asks what comes from North-Eastern England, is wild, horny, and has never been touched by a man for 800 years. Cue Ross Noble and Sarah Millican (both from Northumberland) turning to each other. |
| 968 | --->'''Sarah:''' Well, don't look at me!\ |
| 969 | '''Ross:''' I'm not looking at you! |
| 970 | ** Ross then proceeds to nail the actual answer in one, after {{lampshading}} that this will look really cool if he's right. |
| 971 | * Location, Location, Location: |
| 972 | ** When the panelists are given a plate of what looks like wasabi and asked to identify it, Stephen tells them that it isn't wasabi and Johnny Vegas proceeds to eat a big spoonful of it... only for Stephen to continue explaining it's the British ''equivalent'' of wasabi. By the end of Johnny's resulting rant, he claims to have obtained superpowers. |
| 973 | --->'''Johnny:''' I'm ''seein' through walls!'' |
| 974 | ** For a question about the center of the universe ([[ItMakesSenseInContext it's in Idaho]]), Johnny asks if it's the sun. Stephen bursts out laughing before he can stop himself, and Aisling and Johnny give him hell for it. |
| 975 | --->'''Aisling''': We both looked to you, and you looked at us like the peasants on the land. "Will we ever be free of this tyranny?" "Ba ha ha! Never, never, never..."\ |
| 976 | '''Stephen''': I'm sorry that it sounded quite so patronizing. The center of the universe is apparently Banks Street in Wallace, Idaho, or--\ |
| 977 | '''Johnny''': The sun!\ |
| 978 | '''Johnny and Aisling''': Ba ha ha ha! ''(high-five each other, continue to laugh poshly)'' |
| 979 | * Literature: |
| 980 | ** The panelists are given a bunch of unfinished limericks by Edward Lear. HilarityEnsues, both from their made-up endings to the limericks and from their reactions to the actual endings. |
| 981 | ** The topic is Sherlock Holmes, and there is stock art of Sherlock looking through a magnifier glass in the background. When Stephen asks what Sherlock's famous CatchPhrase was: |
| 982 | --->'''Alan''': Burn, ant, burn! |
| 983 | *** Jack tries to [[RunningGag spend his penny]] on the question, then elaborates on how "going to the loo helps you think better". |
| 984 | --->'''Jack''': Jack, take a step back, [[UnusualEuphemism drop the kids off at the pool and come back to it]]. |
| 985 | --->'''Stephen''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint You leave your children alone at a swimming-pool?]] |
| 986 | ** Stephen describing Jack Whitehall as "twinkly with a pert little botty", and recalling an interview that described Martin Clunes as having a "face like a torn arse". |
| 987 | ** Stephen and Victoria Coren Mitchell (host of ''Series/OnlyConnect'') argue about the origin of the word "lunch". |
| 988 | --->'''Jack''': This is like watching two stags together. |
| 989 | ** At the start of the show, Jack claims to have never read ''Literature/TheVeryHungryCaterpillar'' because he's convinced that it gorges itself to death. Alan [[ComicallyMissingThePoint reassures him]] that "No, no, he becomes a butterfl-" before [[{{Spoiler}} clapping his hand over his mouth]]. |
| 990 | * Liblabble: |
| 991 | ** A question of the most depressing radio broadcast leads to a discussion on Simon Bates' ''Our Tune''. |
| 992 | --->'''Stephen''': ''(Imitating Simon Bates)'' But surely, that's the story of people who fell in love. She ''did'' die of the cancer, but-\ |
| 993 | '''Bill Bailey''': -They battled through the cancer, and then here's their song: [[spoiler:"Too Drunk to Fuck" by the Dead Kennedys]]. |
| 994 | ** Later, the Rev. Richard Coles mentioned a naval punishment similar to "Kissing the Gunner's Daughters". |
| 995 | -->'''The Rev. Richard Coles''': You can get firked.[[note]]A galley cook that ruined a meal would be beaten with the lid of a firkin[[/note]]\ |
| 996 | '''Stephen''': Explain.\ |
| 997 | '''Richard''': [[ShapedLikeItself You can get firked]].\ |
| 998 | '''Stephen''': Don't keep ''saying'' it, explain it. |
| 999 | * Lethal: |
| 1000 | ** The panelists are discussing the Ventouse method of assisted birth when an audience member shouts "[[IncrediblyLamePun Inconceivable!]]" |
| 1001 | --->'''Alan''': [[LamePunReaction Right. You]], ''[[GetOut out]]!'' |
| 1002 | ** Later in the program... |
| 1003 | --->'''Stephen''': Why do people fall over when they've been shot?[[note]]Because media has trained them to[[/note]] |
| 1004 | --->'''Jason''': [[AskAStupidQuestion Because they've]] [[ShapedLikeItself been shot]]. ''(Klaxon)'' |
| 1005 | * Lovelies: Alan eating a raw potato during the "aphrodisiac foods" segment. |
| 1006 | * Ladies and Gents: |
| 1007 | ** Ross Noble doing a perfect impersonation of Creator/BrianBlessed [[ItMakesSenseInContext catching an unnameable disease off a toilet]]. |
| 1008 | --->'''Ross:''' MY SOFT ENTRANCE HAS BEEN VIOLATED!\ |
| 1009 | '''[[NotSoAboveItAll Stephen]]''': IT'S HAIRIER THAN THE REST OF ME! |
| 1010 | ** Capping it off is Stephen informing the audience that [[https://youtu.be/B4GwzCQwAaE doctors started the rumor that [=STDs=] could be caught off toilets]] to encourage people to come forward. |
| 1011 | --->'''Stephen''': Than if they caught it from a whore, strumpet, harlot... |
| 1012 | --->'''Alan''': [[{{Troll}} Or parent]]. |
| 1013 | --->'''Stephen''': [[ParentalIncest Or parent-]] '''[[DelayedReaction or parent]]'''!? Don't make me repeat things without thinking! |
| 1014 | ** The forfeit answer for "Can you name an Anglo-Saxon swear word?" turns out to be "[[SymbolSwearing *%$#]]". Cue Sue Perkins setting off the klaxon seven times in a row with a [[ClusterFBomb long string of (censored) swearing]]. Unsurprisingly, she ended up in last place. |
| 1015 | --->'''Sue:''' Uh... [[spoiler: *%$#]]? ''(Klaxon)'' In for a penny. [[spoiler: *%$#]]! [[spoiler: *%$#]]! [[spoiler: *%$#]]! [[spoiler: *%$#]]! [[spoiler: *%$#]]! [[spoiler: *%$#]]! [[spoiler: *%$#]]! [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Knobgobbler]]! |
| 1016 | * Lying: Stephen asks the panelists to name a blue sea creature. Alan ''dives'' for the buzzer but is beaten out by Jack Whitehall, who defers to the guy who's been shouting answers from the audience for the past few questions. "Shouty Man" picks the blue whale, which is correct. Shouty Man then goes on to actually get a score alongside the panelists at the end: -39, last place. |
| 1017 | * Lumped Together: The entire bit of the lava lamp demonstration, complete with the riotous laugh when Fry knocked down his lava lamp by accident. |
| 1018 | -->'''Stephen''': There is nothing funny about making people laugh! |
| 1019 | * No-L: The very first question causes a flurry of GenreSavvy klaxon-avoiders from Alan and veteran guests Bill Bailey and Jimmy Carr. After about four of these, Stephen describes them all as "really good answers", causing first-time guest Carrie Fisher to just remark "...Really?" |
| 1020 | [[/folder]] |
| 1021 | |
| 1022 | [[folder: Series M]] |
| 1023 | * Military Matters: |
| 1024 | ** Jeremy Clarkson takes umbrage over being corrected on an answer he'd given ''eleven years'' ago. |
| 1025 | ** Jimmy Carr points out a redeeming quality about UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler. |
| 1026 | -->'''Jimmy''': Here's a point about Hitler. He's judged very harshly by history, but he ''did'' [[DrivenToSuicide kill Hitler]]. |
| 1027 | * M-Places |
| 1028 | -->'''Stephen''': "What are the three manly games? |
| 1029 | -->'''Alan''': (manly voice) Rugby... surely. |
| 1030 | -->''Klaxon'' |
| 1031 | -->'''Alan''': Boxing. |
| 1032 | -->''Klaxon'' |
| 1033 | -->'''Alan''': Is it going to be tiddlywinks?? |
| 1034 | -->''[[RuleOfThree Klaxon]]'' |
| 1035 | * Middle Muddle: Jimmy Carr trying on a monocle and looking exactly like a ventriloquist's doll made in the likeness of an SS officer. |
| 1036 | ** Jimmy's reaction to his buzzer, a choir of children singing "Three Blind Mice", is "[[CreepyChildrenSinging It's like the soundtrack to a horror film!]]" |
| 1037 | ** This exchange between Stephen and Danny Bhoy regarding Music/JohnLennon... |
| 1038 | --->'''Stephen:''' He was very, very shortsighted, so much so that if he didn't wear his glasses he would be qualified as blind. |
| 1039 | --->'''Danny:''' [[TakeThat That]] [[HotGuyUglyWife explains]] Music/YokoOno! |
| 1040 | --->'''Stephen:''' NOW...''[[[GivingSomeoneThePointerFinger Points a finger at him threateningly]] [[ActuallyPrettyFunny before clapping momentarily]]]'' Why am I clapping? [[CrossesTheLineTwice That's dreadful!]] |
| 1041 | ** At one point, Alan notices an audience member in the front row eating a bag of sweets. Cue Jimmy Carr ''getting out of his chair, nicking the bag from them, and giving it to Alan''. |
| 1042 | --->'''Stephen:''' You can have them back at the end of the lesson. |
| 1043 | ** By this point in the show's run, Alan's become so wary of klaxons, that he takes what can only be described as a terrified delight at the prospect of any answer given being forfeited, regardless of how innocuous. |
| 1044 | -->'''Stephen:''' What colour is a mirror? |
| 1045 | -->'''Alan:''' Go on, Danny... |
| 1046 | -->'''Danny:''' Is it...[[ShapedLikeItself the colour of whatever it's reflecting...?]] |
| 1047 | -->'''Alan:''' [[BigNo NO]], [[YouFool YOU FOOL!!!]] |
| 1048 | * Messing With Your Mind: Josh Widdicombe not knowing what [[MarshmallowHell motorboating]] was, and Sarah Millican gleefully explaining it. |
| 1049 | -->'''Josh''': I don't know... what's "motorboat?" Am I the only one... |
| 1050 | -->'''Sarah'''(turning to face him): Oh! Okay... I've got this one! |
| 1051 | * Merriment: After swapping ice creams, Johnny Vegas and Jenny Eclair have a loud, childish argument over the fact that she had a bite of hers first and completely ignore Stephen's persistent attempts to introduce the next question about the worst annoyance in Victorian theatres. (Which, surprisingly, was ''not'' screaming children.) |
| 1052 | -->'''Bill Bailey:''' This is what I think life would be like in a nursing home. |
| 1053 | * Mix and Match: Stephen explains that Vincent Van Gogh sold tons of paintings in his lifetime--it's just that [[ExactWords most of them weren't his]]. The absolute ''resignation'' in Alan's "Oh, shut up" is a reminder of just how long they've been doing this show. |
| 1054 | [[/folder]] |
| 1055 | |
| 1056 | [[folder:Series N]] |
| 1057 | * Naming Names: |
| 1058 | ** Alan successfully avoids the trick with the question "What caused the first mass extinction?" The dinosaur extinction was ''not'' the first. |
| 1059 | --->'''Phill:''' After fourteen years, he understands the format. |
| 1060 | ** Cariad also suspects that the reason Alan did well (enough to win) was that he wasn't scared of Sandi the way he was of Stephen. |
| 1061 | --->'''Phill''': I'll throw him off his game: [[Series/{{Blackadder}} baah, baah]]! |
| 1062 | * North Norse: |
| 1063 | ** Rhod Gilbert insists that Denmark only has three days of sunlight in the winter, no matter how much Sandi and Alan yell at him. |
| 1064 | ---> '''Rhod:''' How do you cope with having one and a half hours of daylight?\ |
| 1065 | '''Sandi and Alan:''' ''[Almost simulatenously]'' It doesn't happen!\ |
| 1066 | '''Alan:''' Denmark's the same as Scotland, where ''you'' come from![[note]]Rhod is actually Welsh, for those who don't know[[/note]] |
| 1067 | ** While discussing counterfeiting money in North Korea, Alan takes the piss at a photo of Kim Jong-Un: |
| 1068 | --->'''Alan''': "Where is my glove? I will not leave here until my glove is returned!" Then he turns and goes, "There is no missing glove, my glove is at home! [[EvilLaugh Muah-ha-ha!]]"\ |
| 1069 | '''Sandi''': I love the idea of being a dictator for comedic effect. |
| 1070 | * Sandi headbanging. |
| 1071 | * The parlor games in "Noel". |
| 1072 | ** "Taboo," where the answer must not contain the forbidden letter (in this case N). |
| 1073 | -->'''Susan:''' You're looking at me like the Eye of Sauron!\ |
| 1074 | '''Sandi:''' [deadpan] 'Sauron' has an N in it. |
| 1075 | ** "Are You There, Moriarty?" consists of one blindfolded person grasping the hand of another blindfolded person, calling out "Are you there, Moriarty?" and then beating them around the head with a rolled-up newspaper. Alan starts beating up poor Josh as soon as Sandi explains the rules. |
| 1076 | --->'''Josh:''' I love the idea that someone has turned on this for the first time and gone "You know what? It's really changed without Stephen, hasn't it?" |
| 1077 | ** While discussing online shopping, Susan recalls a time during Christmas when she thought she ordered four onions but ended up with four ''sacks'' of onions. To get rid of them before her wife came home, she went around to her neighbours offering them onions and pretending it was an old Scottish tradition. |
| 1078 | * Noodles: |
| 1079 | ** Jerry Springer (yes, that one) recounts how he was born in a British subway station, and "there isn't even a plaque there". |
| 1080 | ** Jerry confirms that Cincinnati has an unfinished subway system (though it was from before he was mayor). Then shouting in full electoral campaign mode "If I were mayor we would've finished! that! subway!" |
| 1081 | * Non-Sequiturs: |
| 1082 | ** Deirdre O'Kane claims that she never saw a nun use the bathroom when she was in school and that they probably had some kind of "divine catheter." Then Miles Jupp suggests that nun wee was once a ''condiment.'' |
| 1083 | ** Sandi [[ItMakesSenseInContext manipulating a condom full of Oobleck]]. |
| 1084 | * Next: |
| 1085 | ** Lucy Porter explains clickbait articles: "They're called listicles, which is a portmanteau of 'list' and 'testicles' because they're complete bollocks." |
| 1086 | ** Ross Noble claiming to be a time-traveler when Sandi shows an old portrait of a Croatian with curly black hair and then being shocked that he's put on so much weight when it changes to a portly UsefulNotes/LouisXIV. |
| 1087 | ** Sandi seeking out and asking the name of the ''specific'' audience member who tripped the klaxon by shouting "Spongebob Squarepants" in response to asking who has green sponge balls. The audience lost 10 points for that answer and still came in ahead of Alan, who finished at -25. |
| 1088 | [[/folder]] |
| 1089 | |
| 1090 | [[folder: Series O]] |
| 1091 | * "Ology": |
| 1092 | ** The episode starts off Sandi's second series with one of the most epic cases of OffTheRails ever. Sandi attempts to explain the hypothetical maximum speed of a sailboat, only to realize the prop's broken and tries to start over. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NiNVeqjCbIw What follows must be seen to be believed]]. |
| 1093 | *** After giving the answer to the question that started it all off, Sandi confirms what Stephen told her when she took over. |
| 1094 | --->'''Sandi:''' People often say to me what did Stephen say to you when he left. The truth is he shook his head and said you have no idea. |
| 1095 | *** Later on when the topic of the number of neurons people have in their brain, Sandi gives this remark in Bill Bailey and Alan Davies's direction. |
| 1096 | --->'''Sandi:''' There are 300 times as many synapses in your brain as there are trees on earth. [[{{Deadpan Snarker}} That's not every brain.]] |
| 1097 | ** Phill Jupitus suggests that "Oology" is the study of how much nans think you've grown. |
| 1098 | * "Oceans": |
| 1099 | ** This episode continues David Mitchell's feud with the klaxon. After a clip of a shark is shown with ''Film/{{Jaws}}'' music, the question is asked: |
| 1100 | --->'''Sandi:''' What's the scariest thing about that clip?\ |
| 1101 | '''David:''' The teeth!\ |
| 1102 | ''(Klaxon: "THE TEETH!")''\ |
| 1103 | '''David:''' The fact that they can't go backwards.\ |
| 1104 | ''({{Beat}}. David reacts to the lack of klaxon.)''\ |
| 1105 | '''David:''' Oh, so that takes them a bit long to type!\ |
| 1106 | ''(Klaxon: "[[{{Troll}} WRONG]]")'' |
| 1107 | ** It also contains Alan Davies' impersonation of a shark having an orgasm." [=OooOOOOHHH=]?!" |
| 1108 | * "Odorous and Odious" has an appearance by a perfume based on every recognisable scent in [[Literature/TheBible the Book of Revelations]], supposedly as the fragrance of the Apocalypse. Nish Kumar suffers a coughing fit the moment he gets a whiff. |
| 1109 | -->'''Nish:''' Oh my God! [[TastesLikePurple It smells like racism!]]\ |
| 1110 | '''Alan:''' Great name for a perfume. "Racism."\ |
| 1111 | [about a minute later]\ |
| 1112 | '''Ross Noble:''' It ''smells'' like the Apocalypse, but...[licks it] [[ItTastesLikeFeet it tastes of Romford!]] |
| 1113 | * "Odds and Ends" includes a list of unusual organs in the animal kingdom, one of which is "smart vagina". |
| 1114 | -->'''Liza Tarbuck''': ''[To Sandi]'' Have you got a smart vagina? |
| 1115 | -->'''Sandi''': ''[Barely missing a beat]'' It's terribly tidy. [[DoubleEntendre I have a woman in twice a week]]. ''[Reaches over to high-five Liza amidst a wave of laughter]'' |
| 1116 | * "Origins and Openings" begins with the panel expressing shock that Josh Widdicombe has never seen ''Film/TheSoundOfMusic'', and Susan sings the chorus to ''Sixteen Going On Seventeen'' only for Sandi to stop her: |
| 1117 | -->Yeah, it's like that, but with a tune. |
| 1118 | ** Alan Davies' impression of Julie Andrews after joking that you can't get a word in edgeways with her. Sandi's reaction is priceless. |
| 1119 | ** At the end the panel points out the main flaws of the famous [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/March_of_Progress "March of Progress"]] diagram, mainly how it seems to imply [[EvolutionaryLevels evolution is progressive]] as well as including species that are not ancestors of modern humans. Sandi asks for one last flaw, provided by Susan Calman: |
| 1120 | --->'''Sandi:''' So it's a picture of the ''whole'' of human evolution... |
| 1121 | --->'''Susan:''' There's no woman. |
| 1122 | --->'''Sandi:''' THERE'S NO BLOODY WOMEN IN IT! There we are! You're absolutely right. |
| 1123 | --->'''Susan:''' [[TakeThat It's like watching an episode of]] ''Series/MockTheWeek''. |
| 1124 | * "Operations" |
| 1125 | ** Katherine Ryan says that she lives in a converted Catholic building but assures the panel that it's been deconsecrated so you can swear and "[[UnusualEuphemism do all sorts]]" in it. |
| 1126 | ** Rhod Gilbert ''[[EpicFail forgets how old he is]].'' "I'm forty... forty... I'm almost fifty!" He eventually does the math and works out he's 49... but then the producer informs Sandi via earpiece that he's 4''8'', and he makes a show of writing it down. Then Katherine writes him a mnemonic song. |
| 1127 | ** Sandi shouting "''what is the point of a tap in the ocean!''" to get them back to the original question. |
| 1128 | ** Sandi asks "what other body part would you put into a dike to stop a leak?" to bait Alan into getting a klaxon with "penis." (Alan: "I was [[DoubleEntendre sucked into that]]!") She corrects him by saying [[NWordPrivileges no dyke needs a penis]]. |
| 1129 | ** Every panelist getting klaxon after klaxon as they say how many stars are in Orion's belt. |
| 1130 | ** This exchange: |
| 1131 | ---> '''Sandi:''' Do you have Orion's Belt?\ |
| 1132 | '''Katherine:''' Yes, we do have the same solar system. |
| 1133 | * In "Overseas," after klaxoning on the number of hills in Rome (it's eight, not seven) Alan and Bill begin discussing the hilliness of other capital cities, to Sandi's increasing frustration. |
| 1134 | [[/folder]] |
| 1135 | |
| 1136 | [[folder: Series P]] |
| 1137 | * "P-Animals": [[https://youtu.be/aHv2lJCyeL0 Teri Hatcher]] shamelessly winding up Phill with double-entendres, when the panelists are asked to identify fossils without using their hands.[[note]]Pieces of bone are porous and stick to the tongue, even after fossilization, so there was really [[NotWhatItLooksLike no other way that segment was going to go]].[[/note]] |
| 1138 | -->'''Sandi:''' No, don't put it all in your mouth!\ |
| 1139 | '''Teri:''' Just lick it! Hasn't anyone ever told you that? |
| 1140 | * "Peril": |
| 1141 | ** Lee Mack trying to convince the panel that fishing is the most dangerous sport. |
| 1142 | --->'''Lee:''' Trust me.\ |
| 1143 | '''Alan:''' Trust you? A Legendary liar from ''Series/WouldILieToYou''. |
| 1144 | ** Asked to guess which ContentWarnings apply to which movies, nobody can spot that "Dangerous behaviour, mild threat, innuendo, infrequent mild bad language" is ''Film/Paddington2014''. |
| 1145 | --->'''Jason:''' Where's the bad language in ''Paddington''?!\ |
| 1146 | '''Lee:''' Well, actually, there was one bit where he says "Where's me marmalade sandwich, ya [[CountryMatters c*bleep*]]?" |
| 1147 | * "Piecemeal": |
| 1148 | ** Sandi's reaction when Sally Philips gets [[MotorMouth Gyles Brandreth]] talking. |
| 1149 | -->'''Sandi:''' Just one tiny second Gyles. ''(to Sally behind a card)'' Do not ask him any supplementary questions! |
| 1150 | ** There’s a bit of a lull in conversation after everyone has just finished a pie-eating contest. Gyles chooses to fill the moment by stating - in the most nonchalant tone possible - that he had once ‘eaten a pie containing human’. After Gyles finishes telling his story we cut to Sandi in StunnedSilence with a "Really, what am I supposed to say to that?" expression. |
| 1151 | ** Gyles trying to take a selfie with the panel around the cardboard policeman, nearly takes a picture of the audience by mistake, and realizes that he has a lot of pictures of his own right ear from previous failed attempts. At the end [[PintSizedPowerhouse Sandi]] takes the picture, which of course results in the top of the cutout being cut off. |
| 1152 | ** Sally unleashing a storm of AccidentalInnuendo when talking about the way to fold a pizza. Gyles also drops a deliberate DoubleEntendre after relating a story of the time Fanny Cradock taught him and his wife how to cook and eat a pizza, after giving an apt summation of her persona. |
| 1153 | --->'''Gyles''': The younger people won't know who she was, she was a television chef, a sort of interesting cross between [[Series/TheGreatBritishBakeOff Mary Berry]] and [[Series/TopGear Jeremy Clarkson]].\ |
| 1154 | ''(about a picture of a folded pizza slice)''\ |
| 1155 | '''Gyles''': That looks exactly like Fanny's! |
| 1156 | * "Parts": One challenge has the panelists trying to gauge the shape and size of some holes in pieces of plastic, while blindfolded. The best way to do this turns out to be using the tongue, and it isn't long before the innuendos start. |
| 1157 | -->'''Sandi''': You know when you have a little thing in your mouth ''(meaning a cut, something between the teeth, etc.)'', and it feels so much bigger to you--\ |
| 1158 | '''Sara Pascoe''': I do know about that, Sandi.\ |
| 1159 | '''Alan''': ''(feigns anger and embarrassment)'' Stop telling her about everything! |
| 1160 | * "Public & Private": |
| 1161 | ** Sandi sets about proving a point about comfort zones by walking over to the studio audience, picking a crowd member supposedly at random, sitting down on his lap, and stroking his face. |
| 1162 | --->'''Sandi:''' So, I've never met you before, have I?\ |
| 1163 | '''Theo Toksvig-Stewart''': ''[very embarrassed]'' No, Mum. |
| 1164 | ** Bridget Christie off-handedly mentions that she suffers from trypophobia (fear of clustered holes). It’s discussed for a few seconds then it’s quickly forgotten about until it coincidently becomes relevant again about twenty minutes later. While Sandi is telling the panel that anything produced by bees is not considered vegan, a picture of honeycomb appears on the screen. Bridget lets out a distressed “Oh, God!” and covers her eyes. There’s a beat as everyone else tries to figure out the issue and they then start killing themselves laughing at the coincidence. |
| 1165 | ** Sandi asks the panelists to share a secret they have never told anyone before. Victoria’s joking answer about committing murder is already humorous but Alan decides to share an actual secret and everyone ridicules him for it. |
| 1166 | --->'''Alan:''' I was once walking home on Hampstead Heath, got caught short, and had to do a poo under some leaves. |
| 1167 | --->'''Bridget:''' I’m sorry, have you not been mocking me all evening? |
| 1168 | --->'''Alan:''' [[BlatantLies I haven’t been mocking you: I’ve been sympathetic.]] |
| 1169 | --->'''Bridget:''' No, you haven’t! And you’ve shat in a bush! |
| 1170 | * "Plants": |
| 1171 | ** Alan spends a lot of this episode seemingly trying to predict as many forfeit answers as possible, sometimes getting multiple klaxons on single questions. It even serves to shield the other contestants from forfeits, because he says all of them before they can get a word in. At the end, his score is announced as minus 97. For context, the only time he got a lower score was when he stumbled upon a particularly game-breaking forfeit of 150 points, all the way back in the D series. |
| 1172 | ** Sandi asks "Why would you put chili in a condom?" |
| 1173 | --->'''Sarah Pascoe''': Revenge. |
| 1174 | * "Pubs": |
| 1175 | ** Alan pretending to beat up [[ItMakesSenseInContext the man dressed as a giant chicken]] from the challenge earlier [[SoundtrackDissonance while everyone else is singing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"]]. |
| 1176 | ** At one point Cariad Lloyd geeked out about ''Film/LordOfTheRings'', prompting Noel Fielding to comment, "I can't decide if I fancy you more or less." Then Josh Widdicombe revealed that he auditioned for Bilbo Baggins in ''Film/TheHobbit'', and Alan and Noel had also auditioned for ''Lord of the Rings''. |
| 1177 | --->'''Josh''': My agent called me and said "How tall are you?" and I said I'm five foot six and a half...\ |
| 1178 | '''Alan''': "How tall do you want me to be?" That's what you should have said. Never accept the premise of the question. |
| 1179 | * "Potpourri": The panelists are given cardboard periscopes as part of the first challenge, and Alan and Phill spend the next 5 minutes acting like, in Sandi's words, two five-year-old boys, hiding under their desks and looking up with the periscopes, pretending to walk up and down some stairs, and yelling that they can see each other. |
| 1180 | * "Procrastination": Sandi asks Alan to put on an oddly designed hat, then has the panelists guess its purpose. |
| 1181 | -->'''Holly Walsh''': Is it a contraceptive? |
| 1182 | -->'''Sandi''': It's exactly the reverse of a contraceptive... |
| 1183 | -->'''Aisling Bea''': It's an erection hat? |
| 1184 | -->'''Sandi''': It is kind of an erection hat.[[note]]It's used to collect bird semen for captive-breeding programs.[[/note]] |
| 1185 | -->'''Alan''': [[TooMuchInformation It's not working.]] |
| 1186 | [[/folder]] |
| 1187 | |
| 1188 | [[folder: Series Q]] |
| 1189 | * "Quirky": |
| 1190 | ** The people in the box think of [[TheTapeKnewYouWouldSayThat EVERYTHING]]. |
| 1191 | *** |
| 1192 | ---->'''Sandi:''' Who has Type-Q blood?\ |
| 1193 | '''Sarah:''' The Queen.\ |
| 1194 | ''[klaxon]''\ |
| 1195 | '''Sarah:''' Is it an animal?\ |
| 1196 | '''Sandi:''' It is an animal.\ |
| 1197 | '''Sarah:''' Can you undo that bloody ringer then, because -\ |
| 1198 | ''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "NO"]'' |
| 1199 | *** |
| 1200 | ---->'''Sandi:''' What would happen if you drank your pint through a straw?\ |
| 1201 | '''Sarah:''' ''(reluctantly)'' You get drunk quicker.\ |
| 1202 | ''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "YOU'D GET DRUNK MORE QUICKLY"]''\ |
| 1203 | '''Jason:''' I like the way they've shown us how to say it properly.\ |
| 1204 | '''Sarah and Jason:''' "You'd get drunk more quickly".\ |
| 1205 | ''[klaxon]'' ''[Screen: "YOU'RE WELCOME"]'' |
| 1206 | ** Sandi gushes over cute miniature shops in a model village. Loyiso isn't as impressed: |
| 1207 | --->'''Loyiso''': These are things you do when you've met all your basic needs as a human being. I don't think people in Uganda are worried about this stuff. |
| 1208 | ** During the same segment, Sandi complains that a miniature figure of her is wearing a skirt. |
| 1209 | --->'''Sandi:''' This is not what a lesbian on television looks like! |
| 1210 | * "Quarrels": Inspired by a picture of two mirrors reflecting into each other, Sandi makes the QI monitors [[DrosteImage display the QI camera feed]]. The panel, naturally, has a field day with it. |
| 1211 | ** Anuvab Pal and Jason Manford try their hand at [[HamToHamCombat 18th-century Shakespearean acting]]... using a particular scene from ''Theatre/TitusAndronicus''. [[YourMom You know the one.]] (Meanwhile, Alan and Aisling Bea have to do the same thing, only with a scene from ''Series/EastEnders''.) |
| 1212 | ** The panelists comparing their experiences with driving tests. |
| 1213 | --->'''Aisling''': I failed my theory test three times last year.\ |
| 1214 | '''Sandi''': Have you passed now?\ |
| 1215 | '''Aisling''': Nooooo~! I do believe I'm just too much of a genius to grasp something so simple.\ |
| 1216 | '''Jason''': I failed the practical six times.\ |
| 1217 | '''Aisling''': What did they pull you up on?\ |
| 1218 | '''Jason''': I got to a junction; I looked right, I said "All right your side?" ''(everyone laughs)'' |
| 1219 | *** Unsurprisingly, Alan once failed because he HadTheSillyThingInReverse. |
| 1220 | ** "Who's famous for generating about 25,000 quarrels a year?"[[note]]Answer: John Malemort, the preeminent maker of crossbow quarrels in the Middle Ages.[[/note]] |
| 1221 | --->'''Aisling''': Piers Morgan.\ |
| 1222 | ''(klaxon)'' |
| 1223 | *** Judging by Aisling's reaction, it was WorthIt. |
| 1224 | * "Questions and Qualifications": Holly, Ade, and Alan are asked to play GoodCopBadCop/Ambivalent Cop and interrogate Nish, and it's a laugh riot from start to finish. For example, good cop Ade and bad cop Holly prove to be more adept at each others' roles, with Ade telling Nish "Tell us your secrets" in a slightly gruff fashion and Holly calling him "sonny Jim" in an attempt to sound tough. Ade promptly lampshades how they should switch it around and gives us this: |
| 1225 | -->'''Ade:''' ''[yelling]'' Tell us your secrets, you... sonny Jim! |
| 1226 | * During a discussion of introvert/extrovert, Sandi asks who came up with the terms, leading to this: |
| 1227 | -->'''Alan:''' "Mister Vert."\ |
| 1228 | '''Nish:''' "First name 'Per.'\ |
| 1229 | ''(klaxon)''\ |
| 1230 | '''Holly:''' "I really hope they use ''that'' as the still for the thumbnail."\ |
| 1231 | '''Nish:''' "Me and Alan with the word 'PERVERT' behind us!" |
| 1232 | * "Q-Animals": |
| 1233 | ** What's blue and sounds like a whale? ...[[RunningGag Wrong again,]] Alan, it's the blue ''quail''. |
| 1234 | ** Not surprisingly, Australian wildlife gets a lot of attention in this episode (much to the panelists' delight, especially when the topic of [[RidiculouslyCuteCritter quokka selfies]] comes up). |
| 1235 | --->'''Phill Jupitus''': ''(after he manages to [[{{Corpsing}} stop laughing]])'' I want one!\ |
| 1236 | '''Daliso Chaponda''': ...In Nottingham, a woman was like "Oh, I recognize you!" so I said, "Well hi, do you want a selfie?" And she said, "No, you're not the Eiffel Tower." |
| 1237 | ** Sandi's [[Series/CrimewatchUK "Quime Watch"]] appeal regarding the whereabouts of the Grant Museum's missing quagga leg. Reward: an all-expenses-paid trip to the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mountains_of_Kong Mountains of Kong]]. |
| 1238 | *** Daliso[[note]]who is from Malawi[[/note]] mentions that during the early years of contact between Europe and Africa, people thought that mixed-race children would be born with zebra stripes. He argues (not entirely successfully) that [[FairForItsDay "It makes sense if you think about it!"]] |
| 1239 | ** A female American porcupine signals her interest in mating "by urinating and screaming." |
| 1240 | --->'''Sandi and Cariad''': [[ObligatoryJoke We've all been there.]] |
| 1241 | *** And to answer the eternal question: she flips her tail up to cover her quills so that nobody gets stabbed. |
| 1242 | * "Quizmas": The panelists share embarrassing stories from previous trivia competitions. |
| 1243 | -->'''Sandi''': And he said 'Can you name three people from the world of entertainment who came originally from Denmark?' And I went 'Yeah, I've got this.' So Victor Borge I came up with, Hans Christian Andersen--and then I couldn't think of a third one! [[FailedASpotCheck It was me!]] |
| 1244 | ** Sandi calls on an audience member to tell how he settled a dispute over the correct spelling of "Fahrenheit": |
| 1245 | --->'''Honorary trivia elf''': I contacted Leiden University, and asked them to get hold of an original copy of Fahrenheit's signature.\ |
| 1246 | '''Sandi''': Do you think it's possible, darling, you were taking it a ''little bit'' too seriously?\ |
| 1247 | '''Honorary trivia elf''': I believe so--I've calmed down now, and I'm on medication. |
| 1248 | ** Sandi mentions that [[TheDandy Beau Brummell]] typically needed five hours to get dressed--"very like yourself, Johnny." Cut to Johnny Vegas, wearing a flat cap and a big T-shirt with a rocket on it, and looking slightly hurt. |
| 1249 | ** Alan celebrates his "recovery" on one question by tossing a card across the stage. Very poorly. |
| 1250 | --->'''Alan''': It's harder than it looks.\ |
| 1251 | '''Sandi''': ''(does the same thing, but with considerably more skill, then realizes)'' It's got the bloody answer on it! |
| 1252 | ** Alan explains the "carrot swindle." |
| 1253 | --->'''Alan''': When you go to your self-serve checkout, everything you put on to weigh, you just press "carrot"... So you put down--what's an expensive vegetable?\ |
| 1254 | '''Sara Pascoe''': [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prosecco Prosecco.]] ''(laughter)''\ |
| 1255 | '''Josh Widdicombe''': So you put everything down as carrots?\ |
| 1256 | '''Alan''': ''I'm'' not doing it, Josh, I'm a very honest customer! ...But what they found, the reason they started to become suspicious, was because they were selling millions of tons of carrots, and thousands and thousands of [[SureLetsGoWithThat bottles of Prosecco]] were being stolen. |
| 1257 | * "Quiet": Alan gets hung up on the word "jackdaw" and tries to write a poem rhyming it with as many words as possible. |
| 1258 | -->'''Alan:''' She sells seashells by the crackwhore with a jackdaw flying in the backdoor...\ |
| 1259 | '''Sandi''' (to Jimmy Carr): [[NeverLiveItDown Tax law]]! |
| 1260 | ** While discussing Quakers, their wooden cannons, and other deceptions in warfare, Andrew Maxwell talks about the British inflatable tanks that were used in World War II, claiming that "to show they had a sense of humor about them, the Germans dropped wooden bombs on them." This culminated in: |
| 1261 | --->'''Andrew:''' ''(miming carving wood)'' ''(in German accent)'' "This is going to be funny!"\ |
| 1262 | '''Jimmy:''' ''(patting him on the arm)'' "Don't do that accent with that haircut." |
| 1263 | * "Quaffing": Jo Brand talks about a madam who would tell her which newsreaders would come around, though she (Jo) refused to name names, and Phill Jupitus cannot help himself: |
| 1264 | --> '''Phill:''' "Did one of them, just before he finish, go 'And finally...'"\ |
| 1265 | ''(laughter)''\ |
| 1266 | '''Phill:''' "'This just in!'"\ |
| 1267 | ''(more laughter)''\ |
| 1268 | '''Sandi:''' [[NotSoAboveItAll "'And now, showers.'"]]\ |
| 1269 | ''(much laughter)''\ |
| 1270 | '''Sandi:''' [[GotMeDoingIt "Oh my]] ''[[GotMeDoingIt God]]'', [[GotMeDoingIt I'm joining in!"]] |
| 1271 | ** Sandi tries to get Alan to drink his mystery shot.[[note]]It turns out to be a reconstruction of an early "energy drink" for gladiators, made with vinegar and ashes.[[/note]] |
| 1272 | --->'''Alan:''' You want me to drink it?\ |
| 1273 | '''Sandi:''' Yeah, have a taste.\ |
| 1274 | '''Alan:''' A taste? If I drank it all, would I die?\ |
| 1275 | '''Sandi:''' No, I'm not allowed to kill you. ''(laughter)'' ...I have to say, the contract this year has been particularly tricky to negotiate! |
| 1276 | *** Jo declares that her shot "looks like liquid hopelessness." After learning that it's basically just pureed ginger, which has the odd effect of reducing feelings of disgust, she cheerfully adds "Maybe I'll have sex with me husband tonight!" and drinks some more. |
| 1277 | ---->'''Alan:''' What if you see your wife having a ginger ale before bed? "Oh, I see... I'll just get me bag." ''(mimes putting a bag over his head)'' |
| 1278 | ** Sandi has a question for Phill. |
| 1279 | --->'''Sandi:''' How many jokes would you exchange for this person?\ |
| 1280 | ''(screen shows a young lady behind bars, with a mock-traumatized expression)''\ |
| 1281 | '''Phill:''' Well, [[IHaveYourWife that's my child,]] so, uh--I've gotta be honest, it's a buyer's market. |
| 1282 | *** Now we know the ''real'' reason the QI Elves hired her! |
| 1283 | * "Quagmire": Aisling belting out "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" in an "authentically Irish" OneWomanWail. |
| 1284 | ** Sindhu Vee's impression of her husband speaking Danish... [[ImStandingRightHere right in front of Sandi]]. |
| 1285 | --->'''Sandi''': I've got a feeling you're not gonna win this evening. |
| 1286 | ** Alan makes a sentence from Cornish mining slang. |
| 1287 | --->''Leggo me knob, you dumble-hole, or I'll throstle you in the breast!'' |
| 1288 | ** Aisling's [[ClusterFBomb impression]] of someone learning that the Chinese ''ding'' they bought for £3 was worth millions. |
| 1289 | --->'''Alan''': [[Series/AntiquesRoadshow We're gonna have to do the reaction again.]] Would you mind saying "Oh, I wouldn't dream of selling it"? |
| 1290 | ** Sandi shows a pixelated image of a Greek ''kylix'', then asks the audience to vote on whether to de-pixelate it. After absolutely everyone asks to see it uncensored, she reveals... [[{{Troll}} that nothing naughty was going on in the first place.]] |
| 1291 | ** Regarding qi and feng shui: |
| 1292 | --->'''Aisling''': There's a version, like, you shouldn't have your bed facing a mirror. Because the idea is that you might see "someone" as you wake up, you might get startled--\ |
| 1293 | '''Alan''': Don't want to see up your husband's bum.\ |
| 1294 | '''Aisling''': Exactly!\ |
| 1295 | '''Sandi''': ''(AsideGlance to the camera, wags finger at Alan)'' |
| 1296 | * "Quills": Sandi discusses learning how to type in school. Alan decides to {{Troll}} her. |
| 1297 | -->'''Alan:''' "In the boys' school, Sandi, you're taught to dictate."\ |
| 1298 | ''(Audience reacts while Sandi gives him with a DeathGlare. Alan tries to hide behind Lou Sanders, who also isn't pleased.)''\ |
| 1299 | '''Sandi:''' "I think the key part of that word is ''dick.''" |
| 1300 | * "Quests Part I": |
| 1301 | ** The [[LatinLover dating profile]] of Romeo, the endangered Bolivian frog. |
| 1302 | ** After revealing that (setting aside its tangled origins) the Holy Grail would likely have been a serving dish or tray, rather than the goblet normally pictured, Sandi remarks: |
| 1303 | --->''A grail actually looks like this, which means a Holey Grail looks like this.'' (pulls a large colander from behind the desk, everybody groans) ''I'm workin' my arse off here.'' |
| 1304 | * "Quests Part II": |
| 1305 | ** Joe Lycett objects to the klaxon, but not for the reasons you'd think. |
| 1306 | --->'''Joe:''' Can I just say, I've watched this show loads, and I've always hated that font.\ |
| 1307 | ''[klaxon]'' ''(Screen: [[ApologeticAttacker SORRY]])'' |
| 1308 | ** Sandi explains how [[QuicksandSucks quicksand]] actually works. The elves provide a visual aid on-screen: a tank filled with sand, upwelling water, and plastic Toys/{{Playmobil}}-type figures, modeled after her and Alan. |
| 1309 | --->'''Sandi''': So that's your quicksand: [[ThatCameOutWrong it's sandy, but it won't suck you under.]]\ |
| 1310 | ''(beat)''\ |
| 1311 | '''Joe''': No, I will ''not'' take the bait!\ |
| 1312 | '''Susan Calman''': Can I just say, can I have that as the special ringtone when you phone me? |
| 1313 | ** Susan admits to having a phobia of robots. [[{{Troll}} In response]], Sandi sets a small wind-up robot on the desk and sics it on her. |
| 1314 | ** The entire discussion of moon moons (i.e., moons that are satellites of larger moons), although sadly there is no mention of the [[https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/moon-moon wolf meme.]] |
| 1315 | --->'''Alan''': We need another word for the moon moon.\ |
| 1316 | '''Holly Walsh''': I think it's technically called a tax haven. |
| 1317 | ** Susan and Holly [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere drive Sandi, Alan, and Joe offstage]] with a sing-along of "Any Dream Will Do." Then Susan moves to Sandi's spot and [[OffTheRails "takes over" the hosting role]] until Sandi comes back and shoos her away. |
| 1318 | ** Joe jokingly says that an astronomical phenomenon that they're being shown is called Steve - which ''turns out to be right''. |
| 1319 | * "Queens": the marmalade argument. |
| 1320 | -->'''Alan''': People who don't like marmalade, do you like jam?\ |
| 1321 | '''About half the audience''': YES!\ |
| 1322 | '''Alan''': No, put your hands up, you fools. |
| 1323 | * "Quads and Quins": |
| 1324 | ** Aisling Bea tells an interesting fact about Christine Legard, but before doing so, she borrows Sandi's glasses and one of her cards. She proceeds to affect Sandi's voice while telling the story (complete with admonishing a laughing Nish Kumar), much to [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Sandi's amusement]]. |
| 1325 | ** The klaxon turns out to have an itchy trigger finger. |
| 1326 | --->'''Sandi''': "What do we reckon? The normal body temperature?"\ |
| 1327 | '''Alan''': "Is it 97.6?"\ |
| 1328 | ''[klaxon]'' ''(Screen: 98.6)''\ |
| 1329 | '''Alan''': "That's not what I said."\ |
| 1330 | ''[klaxon]'' ''(Screen: SORRY)'' |
| 1331 | [[/folder]] |
| 1332 | |
| 1333 | [[folder:Series R]] |
| 1334 | * "Rude": |
| 1335 | ** Creator/JohnBarrowman and Aisling Bea spend much of the episode bouncing off each other. Many laughs abound. |
| 1336 | ** Phill Jupitus derails the show (again!) by answering Sandi's question a little more literally than she anticipated... |
| 1337 | --->'''Sandi''': Name something that is so rude you can't say it on a BBC comedy show. [''Phill buzzes in''] Yes?\ |
| 1338 | [''cue ClusterBleepBomb, audience and panel crackups, followed by WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties'']\ |
| 1339 | '''Sandi''' [''giving the "don't look at me! he did it!" gesture'']: Uh, let's try this instead... |
| 1340 | ** Soon afterward, Sandi brings up the "green book", a series of rules made in the 1940s that listed out what was not okay to broadcast. Some of these guidelines [[NoodleImplements are oddly specific]]. |
| 1341 | --->'''Sandi''': The vulgar use of the word "basket" should be avoided. [...] It conceded that references to [[Literature/TheBible Noah]] were sometimes permissible, but it added "...since there is anything to be gained by them, and since they can engender much resentment, they are best avoided altogether." |
| 1342 | ** Speaking of BBC censorship rules and Music/GeorgeFormby's repeated run-ins with them, John points out that anything you could find in a medical book was supposed to be OK. Cue Phil giving a spot-on Formby impression, complete with strumming an invisible ukulele: |
| 1343 | --->''Oh, I'm...absolutely riddled with chlamydiaaaa...'' |
| 1344 | ** While playing with [[ItMakesSenseInContext jelly babies, chopsticks, and shuttlecocks]], John starts pushing one of the shuttlecocks around while shouting [[Series/DoctorWho "Exterminate jelly babies!"]] Then Aisling comes in with a cry of [[Creator/JodieWhittaker "It's come back as a woman!]] AAAH!" Which gets a hilarious DoubleTake from John. |
| 1345 | ** John Barrowman randomly giving the completely out-of-left-field answer of "birds?" to a question in a confused tone, as if he was in an old people's home and had just woken up from a nap. The panel proceeded to soundly mock him for it. |
| 1346 | * "Road and Rail": |
| 1347 | ** Alan's buzzer has mysteriously vanished, so Sandi arranges a replacement [[{{Pun}} buzz]] service--i.e., a remote-controlled bus ("Toksvig Transit") with a service bell stuck on top. |
| 1348 | *** She then makes the mistake of giving Alan the controller. Within seconds, he manages to drive the bus off the edge of the desk. |
| 1349 | *** In the extended version, the entire show grinds to a brief halt when Alan suggests driving the bus all the way around the panellists' desk with Aisling and Holly getting up to guide it up and down the slopes of the Q. |
| 1350 | ** Alan's vehemence regarding the distinction (if any) between "clearway" and "no stopping/standing": |
| 1351 | --->'''Holly Walsh''': Alan's the first person to get road rage sitting in a studio. |
| 1352 | *** Aisling suggests that the next mystery road sign means [[IncrediblyLamePun "Don't take a fence."]] An audience member misidentifies it as "no stopping on a level crossing." |
| 1353 | --->'''Alan''': [[DumbassHasAPoint You need a sign for that?!]] |
| 1354 | ** Sandi describes the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Invisible_rail invisible rail]] as the largest flightless bird, then does a quick VerbalBackspace to say it's the smallest. She blames Cally Beaton and Aisling for distracting her with talk of breasts. |
| 1355 | *** The extended version gives a picture of the absolutely smallest species, the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inaccessible_Island_rail inaccessible island rail]] perched on a man's finger. The panelists joke that the bird is actually on the man's genitalia. |
| 1356 | ---->'''Alan''': [[OverlyPrepreparedGag Dick pick with a tiny rare bird on it.]] |
| 1357 | ---->'''Holly''': Is this for scale? |
| 1358 | ---->'''Alan''': [[BlatantLies It's a giant eagle]]. [[BiggerIsBetterInBed Look at the size of it]]. |
| 1359 | ** Cally mentions dating a pilot and trying to get him to use the "pilot voice" during sexy fun times. Apparently, he had trouble getting out of the professional mindset: think [[Funny/MockTheWeek Milton Jones' lighthouse keeper]]. |
| 1360 | --->'''Cally''': I asked him, "Will you pretend you're landing the plane?" And he said, "Where are we landing?"\ |
| 1361 | '''Alan''': And you said, [[DoubleEntendre "Brazil!"]] ''(everyone cracks up)''\ |
| 1362 | '''Cally''': He didn't enter into the spirit of things at all, he started asking if we had clearance from the tower... |
| 1363 | * "Restaurants": |
| 1364 | ** A question about heavy cutlery and menu language gets sidetracked quickly, to the point where Sandi has to yell ''"It's nothing to do with space!"'' to reassert control. |
| 1365 | ** [[CoolOldGuy Julian the Magnificent]], ambassador emeritus of the Confriére du Sabre d'Or[[note]]association of champagne saber-openers[[/note]]. |
| 1366 | --->'''Sandi''': How did you come to be able to do this?\ |
| 1367 | '''Julian''': Well, I get a thirst round about eleven o'clock every morning... ''(laughter)'' |
| 1368 | ** Phill Jupitus' phone goes off mid-show. He answers it and claims it's for Sandi. |
| 1369 | --->'''Phill''': It's the Danish ambassador. He wants to know where you left the key to the herring fridge.\ |
| 1370 | '''Sandi''': Give it here! ''(he does)'' It's not the Danish ambassador, look what it says on there. It says Piers Morgan. ''[[TakeThat (she drops it in a pitcher of water)]]'' |
| 1371 | ** Sandi explains the [[NutritionalNightmare abomination]] that is the Heart Attack Grill. The panellists are horrified--and a little bit curious: |
| 1372 | --->'''Sara Pascoe''': I got one question, Sandi, [[CallBack do they have a ladies' menu?]] |
| 1373 | *** Moments later: |
| 1374 | ---->'''Sandi''': They do have a vegan option--\ |
| 1375 | '''Sara''': It's a vegan. |
| 1376 | ** Sandi has the panellists play Beer Can Roulette. After Sara, Alan, and Mark Watson all open their beers without incident, Phill takes a moment to steel himself, then puts his mouth over the top of his before opening it. (It works.) |
| 1377 | * "Ridiculous": When Sandy mentions that she never farts, Alan jokes that when she finally ''does'', the gas buildup's going to make her fly away like a balloon someone has let the air out of and that she's going to return to Denmark, "like a salmon." |
| 1378 | * "Revolutions" has Gyles' anecdotes, yet again, due to how he's seemingly related to ''everybody'' that was mentioned in that episode. |
| 1379 | -->'''Jessica Fostekew:''' [[LampshadeHanging It’s not so much a family tree as a family]] [[PrecisionFStrike fucking]] [[LampshadeHanging forest!!]] |
| 1380 | ** One family relation is actually brought up by Sandi, that being Jeremiah Brandreth, the last person in Britain to be beheaded for treason, with an illustration of his head being shown onscreen. [[GallowsHumor They then show a photoshopped version of the image with Gyles' eyes and mouth on it]]. |
| 1381 | --->'''Gyles''': [[ActuallyPrettyFunny It's uncanny]]. |
| 1382 | --->'''Sandi''': I do think, darling, if you were ever beheaded, just as they're lifting the head up, you'll be going '[[NotQuiteDead I've got one more story]]'. |
| 1383 | --->'''Alan''': You know the head can live on for another [[KilledMidSentence fifte-]]. |
| 1384 | ** The QI official Youtube channel even got in on the fun, and released [[https://www.youtube.com/post/UgytXVUcr0dHfp4XIJZ4AaABCQ this]] "Gyles Brandreth Anecdote Generator" on the same day the episode dropped. |
| 1385 | * "Rest and Relaxation" |
| 1386 | ** The panelists are given various items that are supposed to help with relaxation and they need to figure out how they are utilized. Lou is given a plastic hand and when asked how she would relax with it she starts reluctantly sucking the fingers. |
| 1387 | ---> '''Alan:''' [[CallBack Make your mother proud! Make your mother proud!]] |
| 1388 | ---> '''Lou:''' I'm doing this for daddy! (Immediately crumbles at realizing what she just said). |
| 1389 | *** Susan was given a pair of oranges and when Sandi asks Susan how she would relax with oranges, Susan starts laughing and says that she would genuinely put them down her shirt and pretend to be Dolly Parton. |
| 1390 | ** Alan acting out what happened when [[ItMakesSenseInContext super-hunk Fabio killed a goose with his face while on a rollercoaster,]] an incident which most displeased Fabio and caused him to warn "this could happen again" (it didn't.) It somehow morphs into Fabio ''pursuing'' the goose in order to impress the ladies: |
| 1391 | ---> Hey ladies, watch me get this goose with my face! (Mimes the goose hitting Fabio, then points at his face.) This could happen again! |
| 1392 | ** Susan Calman tries to explain what happened when she went to see ''Film/{{Gravity}}'' starring Sandra Bullock. The panel unfortunately interprets this as [[AmbiguousSyntax watching gravity (the force, not the film) with Sandra Bullock:]] |
| 1393 | ---> '''Alan:''' (as Susan) Sandra! Sandra, look! (pick up a pen and drops it) Wow! |
| 1394 | * "Roaming": |
| 1395 | ** Right off the bat, the audience loses ten points when Sandi goads them into misidentifying the [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Can_Do_It! Westinghouse "We Can Do It!" poster]] as Rosie the Riveter.[[note]]Norman Rockwell's [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosie_the_Riveter#/media/File:RosieTheRiveter.jpg ''Saturday Evening Post'' cover]] has become less well-known over the years due to copyright issues but was itself a reference to a popular wartime song.[[/note]] |
| 1396 | ** When Sandi mentions that Creator/RoaldDahl was buried with snooker cues, wine and chocolates, pencils, and a power saw: |
| 1397 | --->'''Sara Pascoe''': What's he planning?! |
| 1398 | ** "Who would be the worst person to borrow a glove from?" |
| 1399 | --->'''Josh Widdicombe''': UsefulNotes/OJSimpson? |
| 1400 | *** The real answer is apparently Russian composer and pianist Sergei Rachmaninoff, who could play piano chords spanning an octave and a half, one-handed.[[note]]For those of us who aren't piano-literate: them's some big paws.[[/note]] Sandi takes [[HappyDance great pleasure]] in getting half the panel to answer "Rasputin" and get the klaxon. |
| 1401 | ** Benjamin Zephaniah recounts getting strip-searched after returning from "a particular part of the world known for a sort of narcotics." |
| 1402 | --->'''Sandi''': That's awful! [[HypocriticalHumor What did they find?]]\ |
| 1403 | '''Benjamin''': They found nothing! I am innocent, I'm a good boy, I haven't broken the law for... months. |
| 1404 | ** Robert Liston, 19th-century Scottish surgeon. Rumored to have the fastest knife in Western medicine--at a time before antiseptics, when speed meant less opportunity for infection. But we all have off days at work: Liston once severed three of his assistant's fingers and slashed a spectator's coat during an amputation, leading to the deaths of ''not only'' his assistant and the patient (from gangrene), but also the spectator (reportedly from fright). |
| 1405 | -->'''Sandi''': [[EpicFail It's the only operation on record with a 300% mortality rate.]] |
| 1406 | ** Sandi mentions that, if the Nazis had won the war, Hitler was planning to dismantle Rochdale Town Hall and rebuild it in Germany, as a trophy. Then she brings up another historic building which actually was recently relocated to Berlin: [[{{Irony}} Rosa Parks' house.]] |
| 1407 | ** Benjamin dodges the klaxon on a question about Britain's deepest lake ("its depth is absolutely ''[[SchmuckBait monstrous]]''") by answering "Windermere."[[note]]The actual deepest lake, Loch Morar, is said to be the home of a monster as well...[[StockNessMonster just not that one.]][[/note]] |
| 1408 | * "Random": |
| 1409 | ** Alan points out how, with the live audience replaced by a Zoom audience, it feels like any laughter is coming from the studio next door. Bill Bailey follows up by recalling a show he did where the next theatre over was playing Theatre/LesMiserables and getting his audience to sing [[Music/RitchieValens La Bamba]] [[SoundtrackDissonance during the death scene]]. |
| 1410 | ** When the panelists are given pop-guns and told to demonstrate "firing at random": |
| 1411 | --->'''Daliso:''' [[TakeThat I hope none of you is an American policeman.]] |
| 1412 | [[/folder]] |
| 1413 | |
| 1414 | [[folder:Series S]] |
| 1415 | * "Sick": The panel gets into a discussion on whether or not "agoraphobia" is pronounced "a-GOR-aphobia" (Sandi and the elves) or "AG-raphobia" (everyone else). A few minutes later, they're asked which soap cleans you up the best. |
| 1416 | -->'''Creator/LeeMack:''' It has to be the antibacterial.\ |
| 1417 | '''Klaxon:''' ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP\ |
| 1418 | '''Lee:''' It's got to be! Are the elves wrong again?!\ |
| 1419 | '''Klaxon:''' NO\ |
| 1420 | '''Lee:''' Sorry, no, no. Is it the "antibacter-EYE-al"? |
| 1421 | * "Secrets, Spies and Sleuths": |
| 1422 | ** Daliso (whose father worked for the UNHCR, and later for the Malawian government) once had to meet with a spy at a Wetherspoons pub. |
| 1423 | --->'''James Acaster:''' Was it 'Shaken, Not Stirred Saturdays'? |
| 1424 | ** Sandi imitating Creator/SeanConnery while serving the panel ''stirred'' martinis. |
| 1425 | --->'''Sandi:''' Martinis are better shtirred than shaken, and underpants are better shilk than shatin. |
| 1426 | * "Sideshows, Stunts & Scavenger Hunts": |
| 1427 | ** Gyles Brandreth is on the panel, which means more anecdotes. The looks on Sandi's face whenever this happens as the show progresses get more and more hilarious. |
| 1428 | *** Gyles demonstrates how you can't lift your hand off your head with your other hand, which amazes Rosie Jones. |
| 1429 | ----> '''Rosie''': Someone told you that when you were two...\ |
| 1430 | '''Gyles''': Yes.\ |
| 1431 | '''Rosie''': ...and you remembered it?\ |
| 1432 | '''Gyles''': Yes.\ |
| 1433 | '''Rosie''': How?!\ |
| 1434 | '''Giles''': I treasured it.\ |
| 1435 | '''Rosie''': I don't--\ |
| 1436 | '''Sandi''': Never ask Gyles a follow-up question. |
| 1437 | *** Gyles then quickly names the first professional male bodybuilder because he was Gyles' great-uncle's godfather. |
| 1438 | ----> '''Nish Kumar''': Gyles, I've wanted to ask you this for a long time, and I want you to give me a straight answer: Are you, quite literally, Forrest Gump? |
| 1439 | *** Gyles talks about how he had to go to the bathroom during his record-breaking continuous speeches. |
| 1440 | ----> '''Sandi''': You know, it's very funny, they said "See if Gyles can be persuaded to reminisce", [[GoneHorriblyRight and you were]]. |
| 1441 | *** Trying to get to the next record, Gyles [[SchmuckBait asks if any of his other records will be questions.]] |
| 1442 | ----> '''Sandi''': No, darling, what are your other records?\ |
| 1443 | '''Gyles''': Oh, well...\ |
| 1444 | '''Sandi''': ''(realizing it)'' [[OhCrap Oh, I can't believe I asked you that!]] (FacePalm) |
| 1445 | *** The record Gyles then speaks about is for longest on-screen kiss, which he attempted twice on breakfast television. The first failed because about two minutes in, they had to cut to coverage of Leonid Brezhnev's funeral and it felt inappropriate.[[note]] This record was re-visited when Gyles appeared on the 2021-22 series of ''Series/WouldILieToYou''; his team's "This is My" guest was former Bucks Fizz singer Cheryl Baker, who was the other participant in Gyles' second, successful attempt to break the record for longest on-screen kiss. She revealed that he had coffee breath at the time![[/note]] |
| 1446 | *** Alan says he recently cut the umbilical cord for one of his children, which triggers Gyles explaining how Creator/BrianBlessed managed to help a woman in labor give birth and that he bit through the umbilical cord. |
| 1447 | *** Sandi tries to talk about Lieutenant Commander Martin-Dunbar Naismith, but when Gyles tries to interrupt, she shouts "Not your godfather!" [[note]] Actually, Gyles says that he lives where Naismith was born. [[/note]] |
| 1448 | ----> '''Nish''': I feel like we've really breezed past the fact that this whole show has turned into a posh white version of ''Film/SlumdogMillionaire''.\ |
| 1449 | '''Sandi''': There's the film they should have made!\ |
| 1450 | '''Alan''': A film called ''Posh White Millionaire''. |
| 1451 | ** Rosie (who has cerebral palsy and talks slow) says she can break the record for longest speech by just saying four sentences. |
| 1452 | ** Nish explains how while touring with Rosie in 2018-19, he would have a meal too close to the show and break wind in the dressing rooms, which would frequently annoy her. Rosie chimes in, "You could not imagine the stench!" |
| 1453 | ** Rosie's excitement when she answers "Where are ponchos from?" (Peru) in General Ignorance saying it's the greatest moment of her life. |
| 1454 | ---> '''Nish''': She's got a few follow-up questions on how you knew it! |
| 1455 | * "Sugar and Spice": |
| 1456 | ** Sandi has the contestants try out [[AuthorAppeal Scandinavian salty licorice]], or "salmiakki" as it's called in Finnish. She explains that there was a dispute within the EU over how much ammonium chloride to allow in foods: the Scandinavian members threw a fit when they realized it would make their beloved licorice illegal, and there was nearly a "Salmi-exit" before an exception was written into the law. |
| 1457 | --->'''Sandi''': There are health implications--\ |
| 1458 | '''Alice Levine''': ''(having just finished her licorice)'' Thanks for telling us now.\ |
| 1459 | ''(later)''\ |
| 1460 | '''Sandi''': But it has been so popular for so long that it was found in Tutankhamun's tomb.\ |
| 1461 | '''Alice''': [[AlternativeCharacterInterpretation In the]] ''[[AlternativeCharacterInterpretation tomb]],'' Sandi, in the ''tomb.''\ |
| 1462 | '''Alan''': "While he's going, while the lid's open--put the licorice in." |
| 1463 | ** The Great Canadian Maple Syrup Heist of 2011-12. The fact that nearly C$19 million worth of syrup was stolen from the [[SeriousBusiness International Strategic Reserve]] is a little funny in itself, if one ignores how many breakfasts were ruined as a result. The discovery of the theft, though, is the cherry on top: an inspector climbed a stack of barrels that he didn't realize were empty, and they nearly collapsed under him. |
| 1464 | --->'''Rose Matafeo''': When is Creator/GuyRitchie gonna make that film?\ |
| 1465 | '''Sandi''': It's thought--apart from the money--that the crime was motivated partly by bad feelings towards the FPAQ, the people who control [the syrup supply].\ |
| 1466 | '''Alice''': And low blood sugar, probably. |
| 1467 | ** "Which head of state did the Spice Girls sleep with?" Alice gets the klaxon for answering "Nelson Mandela." |
| 1468 | *** The actual answer: the Han Emperor of China, whose concubines lived in quarters with Szechuan pepper [[ConspicuousConsumption mixed into the wall plaster]]. |
| 1469 | *** Sandi provides the panelists with a sample of Szechuan peppercorns, to demonstrate their "spicy-numbing" effect. |
| 1470 | --->'''Sandi''': ''(to Jason Manford)'' No, not the whole thing, darling--you'll die... Bite it, and let it cover your tongue; may I advise you not to swallow it.\ |
| 1471 | '''Alan''': This is the worst game I've ever played [[OverlyNarrowSuperlative since the licorice game!]] |
| 1472 | %%* "Sensational": |
| 1473 | * "Smörgåsbord": The panel has such a prolonged chat about food that Creator/JimmyCarr decides to order takeout and have it delivered to the studio while they are still recording. The food only arrives just as they are wrapping up the episode because the courier got confused about directions to the studio. |
| 1474 | * "Sexed-Up": |
| 1475 | ** The panellists' buzzers are very much in keeping with the episode's theme. Suzi Ruffell's plays "Let's Get It On," Sara Pascoe's plays "You Sexy Thing," Ahir Shah's plays "Sex Bomb," and Alan's plays... [[ButtMonkey "All By Myself."]] For [[OverlyLongGag way too long.]] |
| 1476 | --->'''Alan''': Yes, all right! |
| 1477 | ** Then Alan clarifies his complaint: |
| 1478 | --->'''Alan''': After several months of lockdown, in a family of five with a dog, [being all by himself] is just a fantasy. |
| 1479 | ** Sandi and Ahir try to have a conversation in different languages, one Danish and the other Hindi. |
| 1480 | --->'''Ahir''': I think that a war has just broken out between India and Denmark. |
| 1481 | --->'''Alan''': No, finally, a peace accord. |
| 1482 | --->'''Sandi''': After many years, [[SillyReasonForWar the upset over butter]] has been solved. |
| 1483 | --->'''Ahir''': [[SeriousBusiness It's called]] [[SuddenlyShouting GHEE!]] |
| 1484 | --->'''Sandi''': Oh sorry. [[HereWeGoAgain Oh, we started it again]]. |
| 1485 | ** On the subject of potatoes: |
| 1486 | --->'''Sandi''': Why would your mother-in-law give you one of these? ''(screen shows a handful of extremely knobbly potatoes)''\ |
| 1487 | '''Sara''': ''(sympathetically)'' 'Cause she's finally ready for the home. |
| 1488 | *** When Ahir guesses (correctly) that they're used as a test of one's peeling skills: |
| 1489 | ---->'''Alan''': Those have got [[CuttingTheKnot "skin-on fries"]] written all over them. |
| 1490 | *** The discussion migrates to instant potatoes, and then to instant tea packets: |
| 1491 | ---->'''Ahir''': These teabags take too long! [[TheEighties I've got cocaine to do and industry to privatise!]] |
| 1492 | ** The question "Who couldn't perform without an audience?" leads to everyone trading horror stories about their worst-attended comedy gigs. |
| 1493 | * "Sun Sea and Sandi": |
| 1494 | ** All four panelists are given a tray of sand to create sandcastles. |
| 1495 | --->'''Ed Gamble''': [[TrueArtIsIncomprehensible Mine is a satirical piece about climate change]].\ |
| 1496 | '''Sandi''': Yes, it looks like a [[FakeBoobs breast implant]].\ |
| 1497 | '''Ed''': It's also a breast implant. |
| 1498 | ** Lou Sanders' sandcastle is little more than all the sand to one side of the tray. Sandi immediately calls hers the best when she plants her shovel into it. |
| 1499 | ** Sandi shows the panel what grains of sand look like under a microscope and comments on how unique and beautiful they are. Then, as if it were a huge revelation, Lou chimes in with her take. |
| 1500 | --->'''Lou:''' Nature ''is'' quite good in the end. |
| 1501 | ** Sindhu Vee's mother once bought a bikini she found beautiful, but was worried it was too immodest or could even cause her husband a heart attack, so she only ever wore it inside the house. |
| 1502 | [[/folder]] |
| 1503 | |
| 1504 | [[folder:Series T]] |
| 1505 | * For "Tools and Tips", behind Sandi, there are safety signs that say "Caution: Elves at work", "BEWARE: GENERAL IGNORANCE", and "[[XDaysSince It has been 0 days since the last Klaxon on this show]]". |
| 1506 | * In "Television", in the General Ignorance round, Alan goes on a rant about how they used to record horse races by driving a car alongside them with a camera on top. His tone continues into the next question, which is about the colour of radiation. |
| 1507 | -->'''Sandi:''' We've reached the point of the show where Alan's medication has worn off. |
| 1508 | * From "Testing", One question gets a great one-liner answer. |
| 1509 | --> '''Sandi:''' What happens when you give a toddler cocaine?\ |
| 1510 | '''Josh Widdicombe:''' Ten years in prison. |
| 1511 | * Theatre: |
| 1512 | ** On the wall behind Sandi is a gun labeled "[[ChekhovsGun Property of Anton Chekhov]]". |
| 1513 | ** Buzzer timing proves fortuitous: |
| 1514 | --->'''Sandi:''' Complete this Shakespeare quote: "I am sworn brother to a leash of Drawers, and can call them by their names, as Tom, Dicke, and..." |
| 1515 | --->'''Jack Dee's buzzer:''' Cinderella! |
| 1516 | * Tricks & Treats: |
| 1517 | ** Jimmy Carr decides that "nut allergy" is a euphemism for lesbian. |
| 1518 | ** The RunningGag of Sandi ripping a cue card in half whenever Alan complains about something. |
| 1519 | ** When Sandi asks how to stop your toes from falling off, Eshaan suggests putting them in the freezer. Everyone else is baffled. |
| 1520 | * Telling Tails: |
| 1521 | ** When Sandi brings up the aurochs, Daliso hears it as "oryx," and Sandi has to clarify that she means a kind of early cow. |
| 1522 | --->'''Rob Beckett:''' They're called "calves." |
| 1523 | ** Regarding DirtyMindReading: |
| 1524 | --->'''Sarah Millican:''' I can tell when my husband's about to talk--I don't think that's telepathy, though.\ |
| 1525 | '''Alan:''' You can hear him behind the tape. "Mmf! ''Mmmf!"'' "What's that under the floorboards, Sarah?" |
| 1526 | ** Sandi explains that whales sometimes slap the water to get rid of lice. |
| 1527 | --->'''Daliso:''' [[FridgeHorror How big are whale public lice?!]] |
| 1528 | [[/folder]] |
| 1529 | |
| 1530 | [[folder: Swedish version]] |
| 1531 | !!!General |
| 1532 | * When Stephen Fry announced the Swedish version, he said that he knew enough Swedish to "order from a hotel room". Johan Wester, the Swedish host, asked him to say something to the Swedish fans. He proceeded to say: "Ursäkta, den get ni sände till mitt rum har spruckit, och ni glömde vispgrädden. Gräsklippare!"[[note]]Sorry, but the goat you sent to my room has ruptured, and you forgot the whipped cream. Lawnmower![[/note]] |
| 1533 | |
| 1534 | !!!Series A |
| 1535 | * Episode 8 - Anstötande (Offensive): Anders' buzzer. After the previous three were disgusting bodily functions... |
| 1536 | --> '''Buzzer:''' Hi, my name's Anders Jansson! |
| 1537 | |
| 1538 | !!!Series B |
| 1539 | * Episode 4 - Bombastic |
| 1540 | ** Anders utilizing his buzzer. |
| 1541 | ---> '''Johan:''' ''(about the deadliest creature that ever existed)'' It's the bacteria Methanosarcina. Methanosarcina released so much methane that it may have caused the greatest disaster in human history. It was called the "Great Death" and happened 250 million years ago. 90% of all species died as methane is a greenhouse gas half of all oxygen disappeared in the process. |
| 1542 | ---> '''Anders:''' But the 10% that were left had tons of fun! |
| 1543 | ---> '''Buzzer:''' Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb... |
| 1544 | ** About what a Spanish fisherman found near the fisher village Palomares, after "a treasure" got the klaxon: |
| 1545 | ---> '''Suzanna:''' Something completely worthless. |
| 1546 | ---> '''Anders:''' Why would that make him famous? "Look, I found something completely worthless!" |
| 1547 | * Episode 5 - Bedrägligt (Deceptive) |
| 1548 | ** Anders musing what a postcard from the made-up country of Poyais would say, after being told two-thirds of the people who fell for it died in the Bay of Honduras: |
| 1549 | ---> '''Anders:''' "We're having a great time; one of my granddads has malaria and the other's dead, so..." |
| 1550 | ** And the contestants mocking the excessive rouge on the portrait of the man who started the con: |
| 1551 | ---> '''Karin:''' But he's a bit embarrassed over it, you can see that. |
| 1552 | ---> ''[...]'' |
| 1553 | ---> '''Anders:''' ''(about what the conman did with his money)'' He bought rouge with it! |
| 1554 | * Episode 6 - Blandat (Mixed): The whole discussion about [[ItMakesSenseInContext burning libraries]]. |
| 1555 | [[/folder]] |
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