Line #67 Funny/Prototype2


1	* Pretty much anything a Blackwatch trooper says. “SHUT YOUR FUCKING FUCK-HOLE YOU FUCKING GEEK!”
2	* "The Doctor is out, motherfucker!" Says James to an Evolved who attacks a helicopter he's in while masquerading as the doctor they were after.
3	* Mercer, leaving Heller after their second meeting, lampshades a hilarious difference between his infection and Heller's.
4	-->'''Mercer''': And for God's sake, man, [[FullFrontalAssault put some fucking clothes on.]]
5	* Father Guerra, reluctantly, tells Heller that he needs to kill certain scientists. After the job's done:
6	-->'''Guerra:''' ''[[[DirtyBusiness reluctantly]]]'' James, did you...did you kill those scientists?\
7	'''Heller:''' ''[brusquely]'' [[LackOfEmpathy Yep]]. By the way...
8	* When Heller, who has been cutting through foes by the dozen, is stymied and enraged by his mortal enemy; a [[HopelessWithTech computer]]. Hearing him growl about keys with a "[[BuffySpeak squiggly line]]" just doesn't get old.
9	-->'''Heller''': I'm at the computer, what do I press?\
10	'''Guerra''': First you need to --\
11	'''Heller''': I'm pressing the red button. Shit. Now the screen's all fucked up. Shit's broken.\
12	'''Guerra''': Okay, press the alternate key. "A.L.T." Alternate --\
13	'''Heller''': Alt? There's no fucking alt. I got a fucking squiggly line key, I got a fucking key with a triangle on it -- what the fuck kind of keyboard is this anyway?
14	** And when Heller is done:
15	--->'''Guerra''': Don't forget to log off!\
16	'''Heller''': Yeah, yeah.\
17	''[Heller walks away]''\
18	'''Intercom''': Terminal 4 is currently logged on with no personnel present. Please return to your station and commence proper log off procedure.\
19	'''Heller''': Fuck off. I hate computers.
20	* The Project Long Shadow dialogue between Guerra and Heller:
21	-->'''Guerra''': Watch out, y-you may need to --\
22	'''Heller''': ''[interrupts]'' Dress up like a Blackwatch bitch to get in? I know the drill.
23	* In Operation: Manticore, if you go to the Terminal without consuming the target beforehand, you'll encounter this:
24	--> '''Heller''': "Lieutenant Cletus Ransom". Nah. That name can't be real.
25	** Ransom's memories also have him saying that "Heller's all mine". [[ForegoneConclusion About that, Ransom...]]
26	* Dana's reaction after overhearing a conversation between a disguised Heller and a clueless Blackwatch officer who calls her a "pasty hacker cunt":
27	-->'''Dana''': [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne I'm not pasty.]]
28	** Note the conversation doesn't reveal anything, and we aren't told the guy is important, it's just a drunk asshole tank commander [[DoNotTauntCthulhu prank-calling Dana and Heller]] to insult her and his wife respectively. Dana forwards the message to Heller, and you get an entire mission to go murder him.
29	* The one Blackwatch soldier who keeps referring to everyone as "Brah," to everyone's ''extreme'' displeasure.
30	-->"Brah, have you been hearing all the rumors? This Heller guy, dude, they say he can get into anywhere. Like, he can turn invisible and shit."\
31	"Well, then how's he do it, brah? How's he get inside these places? He just shows up!"\
32	"Shit, sendin' 'em here? That's a big mistake, brah. Heller finds out about this, he'll try to get in and fuck those tanks up."\
33	"Look brah, I don't feel good about those victors comin' here."\
34	"Whatever. You're the boss, brah."
35	** This includes Heller, the soldier Heller ate to get the Blacknet mission, and Red Crown, Blackwatch's radio control. Blackwatch's soldiers aren't as threatening as before.
36	--->'''Heller''': This asshole says "brah" one more time, I'll break his fucking jaw. Well, might do that anyway.\
37	'''SGT Emery [=McDonald=]''': If you don't quit calling me "brah", I'm going to bust you right in your fucking face.
38	* '''''Mission Objective:''''' ''Consume the New Templar scientists''
39	-->'''Scientist 3:''' Project New Templar is on the verge of sterilizing many of America's, uhm, less "glamorous" classes, shall we say. There are far too many poor people, especially immigrants, and we plan to make all their efforts at copulation quite fruitless.\
40	'''Scientist 2:''' Indeed! It's just a matter of targeting the more "exotic" traits. Ooo, I can already smell the huge royalty checks we'll already be collecting.\
41	''' Scientist 1:''' Exactly my thoughts! Oh ho ho ho!\
42	'''James Heller:''' You sick fucks! [[TooSpicyForYogSothoth Keep your memories. I'm not touching you.]]
43	* '''''Mission Objective:''''' ''BAIL OUT of the HELICOPTER to fuck over the New Templar scientists''
44	-->''[James Heller ascends the helicopter]''\
45	'''Scientist 2:''' Heh-Heller? James Heller?\
46	'''Scientist 1:''' Oh my God oh my God oh my God! Oh my God! NO!\
47	'''Scientist 3:''' Heller! Heller, let us go! We... we can pay you!\
48	'''Scientist 2:''' Yes, yes, we can pay you!\
49	'''Scientist 3:''' Right--a hundred dollars? Err, each? A thousand! TEN THOUSAND? HELLER!\
50	''[If Heller waits around at maximum altitude]''\
51	'''Scientist 2:''' Er, um, oh... ha ha. You know [[JustJokingJustification we were just kidding about New Templar, right?]] [[BadLiar It's not about sterilizing the lower classes, that's, erum, quite appalling! It's about, errrum…]]\
52	'''Scientist 3:''' [[BlatantLies Velcro!]] It's a new technologically advanced velcro! You want new velcro, don't you? You don't want to be responsible f-for depriving the world of a new technologically advanced velcro do you? [[ThinkOfTheChildren Please think of the children.]]\
53	'''Scientist 1:''' Heller! I'm serious -- whatever you're about to do you'll feel terrible about afterwards! Yes, yes, yes -- the guilt! (sobbing) OH THE CRUSHING GUILT!\
54	(Heller bails out of the helicopter, causing it to fall to its doom)\
55	'''James Heller:''' So long, fuckers!\
56	'''Scientist 1:''' Oh my God, he-- Oh Jesus! Oh shit!\
57	'''Scientist 3:''' No, no, NO NO NOOOOO!\
58	'''Scientist 1:''' AAGH!\
59	'''Scientist 3:''' AAAGH!\
60	''[the helicopter crashes onto the ground, killing the three New Templar Scientists]''\
61	'''James Heller:''' I ought to get a medal for that.
62	* After Heller has killed a helicopter pilot in an attempt to gain access to the Red Zone, this interesting little discussion with command takes place.
63	-->'''Heller''': Hello, uh, Southpaw. I'm the replacement. Catapult Four One just got his head bit off by a Brawler, wouldn'chaknowit.\
64	'''Southpaw''': ''[without missing a beat]'' [[UnusuallyUninterestingSight Yeah, that happens a lot around here.]] Okay, New Four One…
65	* Any time every time a blackwatch trooper uses the verb "Unfuck"
66	* After [[spoiler: Dr. Koenig's FaceHeelTurn]], we get this little gem after Heller forces a Blackwatch Commander out of an APC.
67	--> '''[[spoiler: Dr. Koenig]]''': [[ComicallyMissingThePoint Commander, don't you DARE let him eat you!]]
68	* Chasing a known Evolved, but missed the opportunity and now Heller faces a Hydra:
69	-->'''Heller''': Great. Lost that [[SmugSuper dick]] [[{{Jerkass}} Roland]]--gained this [[DoubleEntendre dick monster]].
70	* The soldier who witnesses Heller's first battle with a [[AttackOfThe50footWhatever Goliath]]. He sounds like he's reading the laconic entry on the [[ClusterFBomb Cluster F Bomb]] page while going into shock.
71	--> '''Blackwatch Soldier''' ''[after watching Heller consume the Goliath]'' FUCK ME!! The subject, he... he just... HOLY FUCK!!! DID ANYONE ELSE FUCKING SEE THAT?!! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!
72	* When picking mutations, some of the pictures associated with them are hilarious. For example, the mutation that speeds up hijacking/breaking weapons off vehicles has Heller standing on a tank, holding the turret in one hand, and a terrified Blackwatch soldier waving his hands in the air. The one that makes Heller ImmuneToBullets has him nonchalantly reading a book while bullets are bouncing off his head and arm. Or the one that gives Heller an extra air dash move. The mutation is called 'Extra Dashing,' and the image is of Heller with a top hat and monocle [[RuleOfCool being shot out of a cannon.]]
73	* This exchange between Blackwatch soldiers:
74	-->'''Starnes''': You know, some infected chicks are still pretty hot if you put a bag over their heads.\
75	'''Blackwatch Soldier''': Starnes, for the ''life'' of me, I dunno how you passed the psych profile.
76	** Especially because one has to wonder why Blackwatch even has a psyche profile. Unless they're looking for a ''minimum'' level of crazy in their recruits…or what they would consider 'too crazy'.
77	** Later on during a similar Blackwatch patrol mission, you apparently end up in a squad with the same guy.
78	--->'''Starnes''': Dude, [[ComedicSociopathy I shot this guy yesterday]], and I swear to god he looked ''just'' like Jimmy Fallon! I mean it wasn't Fallon but I mean, he looked ''just'' like him!\
79	'''Blackwatch Soldier''': Photo or it didn't happen.\
80	'''Starnes''': Ha, yeah, shit. Celebrity headshots man. Ah! Ah! Get it? Headshots! You know, they have them-\
81	'''Blackwatch Soldier''': Shut the fuck up Starnes.
82	* In the final boss fight, Heller threatens to [[VulgarHumor "skullfuck [his opponent] and suck the memories out the hole"]].
83	* After eating some random Blackwatch soldier, Heller ''coughs'' and says "Dude must have been a smoker."
84	* [[spoiler:Mercer]] gets some great lines during his climactic battle with Heller, such as his deadpan response to one of the good sergeant's patented {{Cluster F Bomb}}s:
85	-->"... You're a very crude person, aren't you?"
86	** Not to mention [[spoiler:when he is defeated and has both his arms off, the only remotely worried thing he says is: "[[MajorInjuryUnderreaction Huh.]] [[GracefulLoser Welcome to the top of the food chain."]]]]
87	** And when Heller has [[PapaWolf gone berserk and is screaming at him to give him his daughter:]]
88	--->'''[[spoiler:Mercer]]:''' ''[completely unfazed and with accompanying 'fear' pose]'' Ooh, ''scary.''
89	* During the mission to consume Doctor Bellamy, if you gain the ability to rip off vehicle-mounted weapons and use them, and do so on one of the convoy's [[AwesomePersonnelCarrier Bradleys]] you get this.
90	-->'''Blackwatch Soldier''': [[BigOmg Oh my GOD]]! Subject has just ripped off our rockets! Repeat: subject has stolen our TOW!\
91	'''Dr. Bellamy''': Well, get it back! [[CaptainObvious We need that!]]\
92	'''Blackwatch Soldier''': Will you just...JESUS! Just sit the [[PrecisionFStrike fuck]] down!
93	* As part of Lincoln Meadows Blackbox #4 one Lieutenant Baker shoots a woman trying to find her boyfriend immediately after two warnings when she gave a confused response to being informed the area was off-limits. Blackwatch's response? On the same day according to Blackbox #5:
94	-->'''Riley''': Corporal Rand Baker: for consistent display and embodiment of the organization's core tenets, you are hereby awarded the Blackwatch Iron Star and all associated benefits, compensation and standings. Congratulations, soldier.\
95	'''Crowd''': ''[wild applause]''\
96	'''Baker''': Just doing my duty, sir.
97	* In one of the Bases, after you start [[ImAHumanitarian eating your lunch]] one of the Gentek scientists says this to the Blackwatch garrison:
98	-->'''Scientist''': How could you let him in here? What the hell are we paying you people for? [[RefugeInAudacity Why don't you just go bomb a third world country or something?!]]
99	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S2rLwmhwdYE&feature=grec_index Heller Throws Down trailer]].
100	** Even funnier is this Youtube comment.
101	--->'''Soldier 1:''' Finally, after a week of fighting zombies and big hulking virus monsters from hell, we finally got normal watch duty.\
102	'''Soldier 2:''' Yeah. Standing on a rooftop, looking at the city, no undead walking around to eat you, no virus coming to whack you. Peace and quiet… [[TemptingFate and Normal.]]\
103	''[[[BigLippedAlligatorMoment the two soldiers see a corpse flying through the air]]]''\
104	'''Soldiers:''' [[DoubleTake What the fuck?!]]\
105	''[[[BloodyHilarious corpse explodes on street below]]]''\
106	'''Soldiers:''' [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe Dammit. Back to work!]]
107	* During the mission "A Nest of Vipers", Heller, disguised as a Blackwatch trooper, can still pick up weaponry that's usually vehicle mounted without blowing your cover, if you do, one remarks:
108	-->'''Blackwatch Soldier:''' Ho-- Holy shit, dude. You been workin' out?\
109	'''Heller:''' [[ImAHumanitarian I eat a lot of protein.]]
110	* The final boss starts out using the Blade power. If Heller attacks with his own Blade, the boss can block and counter, yelling "I'm using that!" as if Heller had broken the rules or something.
111	** If you use the blade for an action command during the second part of the fight Heller will say something along the lines of "should've stuck to using your blade".
112	* During a mission to infiltrate a Blackwatch base and consume a scientist by the name of Doctor Carson the base in question comes under attack from a Goliath, causing rubble to fall from the ceiling. After consuming the scientist the player is treated to this gem:
113	-->'''Pilot:''' Doctor Carson, we’re ready for your pickup, but we can’t land until the, uh, disturbance on the ground is dealt with. Over.\
114	'''Heller:''' ''[as himself]'' Roger th—''[clears throat]''.\
115	'''Heller:''' ''[as Doctor Carson]'' Roger that. Let’s just hope someone can save our wuss asses from whatever the fuck is going on out there.\
116	'''Pilot:''' Uh, right… Over and out.
117	* During the mission to destroy the Whitelight barrels, if you throw the first two barrels into the ocean, Heller has unique dialogue.
118	-->"Yeah! Fuck you, Mother Nature!"\
119	"At least all I gotta worry about is some Evolved fish."
120	* Starting a NewGamePlus and using the Whipfist to abduct consume targets from rooftops. Blackwatch soldiers don't even seem to notice a comrade being speared by a giant red whip and reeled in like a fish.
121	* Can't forget the Penny Arcade homage: [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuT1tYVnhdk After all, what f**k else do you want!]]
122	* During the Project Firehawk mission after you [[spoiler: blow up the choppers that were bombing the city.]]
123	-->'''Firehawk Commander:''' Red Crown, this is Bishop. We've lost all of the Firehawk units. The operation is a failure. Over.\
124	'''Heller:''' Damn straight it's a failure, just like you were to your momma, asshole.
125	* At the end, when Heller confronts the final boss, Heller delivers possibly the best ShutUpHannibal of all time:
126	-->'''[[spoiler:Mercer]]:''' Can't you understand what I'm doing? Humanity is stagnant! ''Dying''! I would give it one body! One mind! Think about it! No more conflict! No more disease! No more suffering! Don't you see? I'm giving it a ''second chance''!\
127	'''Heller:''' '''ENOUGH''' of your fucking ''weird'', fucking ''rambling'' '''SHIT!'''
128	* The Infected Heller skin [[GameplayAndStoryIntegration actually changes Heller's dialogue into zombie-like hisses and growls]], which means that characters will casually converse with him while he snarls at them.
129	* One side mission involves destroying vehicles outfitted with biomass scanners to track Heller. As you attack the vehicles, it becomes clear that the damn things don't work, yet it doesn't stop the personnel inside from trying to boot it up despite being under attack by someone who is VERY OBVIOUSLY James Heller. They even call for tech support in the middle of combat! What makes it even more hilarious is the incessant demands from Blackwatch command to identify whether or not the scanners have picked up Heller.
130	* By the end of the game the Blackwatch troops are so on edge that they're reduced to hysterically screaming at their radio command whenever Heller shows up.
131	-->'''Blackwatch soldier:''' Holy shit! Red Crown! Heller just ''ate'' one of the Juggernauts... and now he's got control of the others!\
132	'''Red Crown:''' Confirmed, Fortress One. Your mission is unchanged.\
133	'''Blackwatch soldier:''' I KNOW THE MISSION IS UNCHANGED I'M JUST '''FUCKING''' TELLING YOU!
134	* This black box exchange:
135	-->'''Blackwatch soldier:''' Patterson, move your ass! They're right behind you!\
136	'''Patterson:''' ''[slightly exhasperated, as though he forgot his car keys]'' Ah, fuck.\
137	''[[[UnfriendlyFire gunfire]]]''
138	* The Gentek propaganda played over loudspeakers trying to fleece the population for money, like selling them masks for “Nineteen ninety nine… ''[beat]'' …ninety nine.”
139	-->“Our vaccines aggressively attack your infected organs. Gentek: keeping you safe!”

Context Funny / Prototype2