Line #28 Funny/Postal


1	* There isn't a lot of amusing content in ''Postal 1'', but hostiles who [[ArtificialStupidity blow or burn themselves with their own throwables]] seems to be worth a laugh.
2
3	* If you play Postal 1 during Christmas, the people that throw grenades are instead replaced with [[BadassSanta Santa Clauses]] throwing exploding christmas presents. They even have unique voice lines!
4	--> "Ho Ho Ho You've been a naughty boy!"
5	--> [[SuddenlyShouting "RUDOLF!!!!!"]]
6	--> "Merry Christmas, you bastard!"
7	--> "I have a present for you, [[MaliciousMisnaming Postal Boy!]]"
8	* The Farm level in Postal 1 can be bizarrely humorous, given that the farm Postal Dude stumbles upon isn't just an ordinary farm, but an ''ostrich farm.'' The absurdity of this scenario is even [[LampshadeHanging lampshaded]] by the Dude in his "War Journal" in ''Redux,'' [[{{Irony}} which actually starts making him question his own deteriorating sanity:]]
9	-->'''War Journal:''' Looks like a farm. Birds? ''[[SeriousBusiness OSTRICHES?]]'' Good Lord, am I infected, mad like the others?
10	** There's even a lone ostrich scurrying around in the Trailer Park level for seemingly no particular reason other than RuleOfFunny.
11	* A great majority of the phrases The Postal Dude says based on the actions the player takes are pretty hilarious. For instance, if the player just goes around murdering innocent people, he will say phrases in order to justify himself against it:
12	--> [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall "I know what you're thinking, but the funny thing is I don't even like video games."]]
13	** If the player saves multiple times in one sitting, the Postal Dude will mock you for it.
14	--> "Are you saving again?!"
15	--> "Didn't you just save?"
16	** If you open the cheat option, The Postal Dude will call you a sissy. Clicking on a cheat also gives you the treat of hearing The Postal Dude say a random phrase:
17	-->[[NonSequitur "Butt sauce!"]]
18	** The amount of variants The Postal Dude exclaims [[ClusterFBomb "Fuck!"]] is amazing.
19	** Even the more disturbing of phrases he says are too ridiculous not to chuckle at:
20	--> "I suppose it would be more [[PoliticalOvercorrectness politically correct]] to kill the women and the minorities first."
21	-->[[HatesEveryoneEqually "I'm an equal-opportunity lunatic."]]\
22	[[GunNut "My president is]] [[Creator/CharltonHeston Chuck Heston]]. Here's your rebate, [[Film/PlanetOfTheApes1968 you damn dirty apes!]]"\
23	[[OmnicidalManiac "The gene pool is stagnant, and I am the minister of chlorine."]]
24	* The encounter with the Vend-A-Cure 9000 after The Postal Dude gets gonorrhea:
25	-->[[AC:I am the Vend-A-Cure 9000. Please step forward and urinate.\
26	If you have a small bat, step up closer to the plate.]]\
27	''The Dude just stares at the machine''\
28	[[AC:Try not to splash me.]]\
29	''Dude proceeds to urinate''\
30	[[AC:Damnit I said don't splash me, impudent human. Good God that is disgusting. Thanks for the urine.]]\
31	''Mechanical noises from within, before the machine dispenses [[MagicAntidote anti-gonorrhoea pills]]''\
32	[[AC:Have a nice day.]]
33	* [[KickTheDog Using a cat]] [[BlackComedy as a silencer for your shotgun or machine gun]].
34	* The entire encounter with Gary Coleman. When waiting in line for his autograph, the things the people say to him are hysterical. One guy greets Gary about them both going to the same rehab together, while Mike J will scold Gary for a time they went to bar and all Gary did was hit on women. Gary will simply [[NiceCharacterMeanActor shrug each person off]] and move the line along. It's especially funny what The Postal Dude says to Gary once they meet:
35	--> '''The Postal Dude:''' Hello, Mr. Coleman. I love ''[[Series/TheFactsOfLife Facts of Life]]''! You ever "do" that [[Series/HappyDays Leather Tuscadero chick]]? [[note]] The joke being that Gary Coleman was in neither of these shows [[/note]]\
36	''after signing book''\
37	'''Gary Coleman:''' [[DeadpanSnarker Thanks. You can leave now.]]
38	** It's made funnier when Gary threatens to [[AssShove "kick your narrow ass"]] if he ever catches you selling it on eBay, which becomes a BrickJoke at the end of the day:
39	-->'''The Bitch:''' Hey, did you get Gary Coleman's autograph? I can get a small fortune for it on eBay.\
40	'''The Dude:''' Right, a ''small'' fortune. Say, aren't those things [[DeadArtistsAreBetter more valuable after the person is, um... deceased?]]\
41	'''The Bitch:''' Yes. Why?\
42	'''The Dude:''' [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial No reason. Can I borrow your computer?]]
43	* The petition-signing mission is pretty funny, and a good change of pace from the run-and-gun nature of the rest of the game. All you need to do is walk up to multiple random people and ask them to sign the petition. However, not everyone will immediately sign it. If you ask once, it's a friendly ask. The second attempt is the Dude irritatingly asking again, wanting to be done with the whole thing in general. The third time has the Dude ''threatening the person with violence to themselves and loved ones if they do not sign the petition''. Most cases, [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere the person runs in terror at the third attempt]]... or [[DissonantSerenity kindly signs the petition.]]
44	** And the reason for the petition? [[TakeThat To make whiney congressmen play violent video games.]]
45	** ''Paradise Lost'' gets not one, but ''two'' successor errands to the petition-signing. First is asking around for info about Champ on Monday, wherein the Dude shows off a picture of Champ to ask if the person has seen them... and they immediately run in terror. The Dude seems oblivious at first, but then quickly catches on. It also calls back to the petition, where the Dude tells the last person you ask to tell him if they've seen the dog in the picture, or else he'll follow them home and kill ''their'' dog.
46	-->'''The Dude:''' Hey, if I show you this picture, are you gonna run away screaming?\
47	'''Citizen:''' The horror! ''(runs away screaming)''\
48	'''The Dude:''' Yeah, that's what I thought would happen.
49	** The second is the charity drive on Wednesday, where one of your errands is to quickly get three-thousand dollars, so the Dude runs around town with an old-time cup asking for loose change. Like the petition, he starts out asking sweetly (though conspicuously dodging explaining exactly what cause he's raising money for), getting annoyed if he asks to ask a second time, then threatens them for the third time. Unlike the petition, it's very time-consuming and not expected of the player [[note]] [[DevelopersForesight though there's an achievement for it]] [[/note]] to actually make enough money normally, as the split-personality starts hinting at after you've passed around 400 bucks.
50	-->'''The Postal Dude:''' Hey, you. How about offering to help some poor unspecified group of today's society?\
51	'''The Postal Dude (Annoyed):''' I know you've got some unwanted cash burning a hole in your pocket. HAND it over!\
52	'''The Postal Dude (TranquilFury Mode/Pissed):''' Here's the deal: You make a donation and [[BrutalHonesty you won't end up as food for the worms in the next five seconds]]./Are you gonna show some generosity OR will I have to beat it into you?
53	** It's also possible to hold off on the petition objective until reaching Gary Coleman. If some well-placed violence disrupts the scripted book-signing without turning him hostile, it's possible to pester him for signatures. Leading to extra amusement if the attempt actually succeeds.
54	** Postal 4 No Regerts has a petition-successor so to speak. It is to find a job, and the text can say something about Down for Dirty Jobs and Will work your dick.
55	-->'''The Dude:''' Hey one-percenter, how about giving an eager ninety-nine percenter a chance huh?
56	-->'''The Dude:''' You, with the face, I'm looking for some easy cash.
57	* Immediately following the elephant-killing errand in ''Apocalypse Weekend'', one of the animal rights activists shows up out of nowhere and declares you must be stopped. [[DeathByIrony And then a rampaging elephant ''also'' shows up out of nowhere and kills him before he can do anything.]]
58	* After The Postal Dude raids the terrorist camp, he is arrested by National Guard. Before he is arrested, he pleads to the guards: [[BreakingTheFourthWall "Hey, it's not my fault. Book the kid with the keyboard."]]
59	* In ''Apocalypse Weekend'', after the cow hunting mission, you are tasked to partake in "pigeon relocation" and handed a rocket launcher. However, before you can do anything, the game is interrupted [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v-Mqdm6X5Po with a message claiming that Running With Scissors doesn't have the budget to include the pigeon hunting mission.]] Cut to the Dude in the middle of Lower Paradise, the streets ''coated'' in blood and feathers, as the Dude comments "man, that's the most incredible thing I've ever done!".
60	* At the Military Base, once you're at the warhead room, [[TooDumbToLive you can damage one of the warheads on the shelf.]] [[EarthShatteringKaboom This somehow blows the planet up.]]
61	* Every single time an NPC farts, they go "Ohhh, yeah".
62	* The Beta Shotgun reload is just the Dude taking a handful of shells and attempting to shove them into the ejection port. Only one ends up getting in, but the game treats this as a full reload, [[MindScrew meaning you got six shots again.]]
63	* One of the errands on Monday of ''Paradise Lost'' tasks you with investigating the Creature Control Center and Pets' kennels to see if they have Champ. The Dude will comment on each dog in the kennels as he walks up to them - including a cat ("Well, that's not right at all") and one of the gimp-suited dogs from the end of ''Apocalypse Weekend'' ("you gotta be fucking kidding").
64	* [[spoiler: Postal 3!Dude]] manifests himself as the voice in the Postal Dude's head and often encourages him to just be violent (for example, he tells you to just kill vendors during some very long waits). That's right, ''[[HatesEveryoneEqually The Postal Dude]]'' has an evil voice in his head.
65	* Even though the Postal Dude now sounds like an actual lunatic in ''Redux'', but [[BlackComedy his dark sense of humour is still retained]] in several lines. Even with emotion added:
66	--> '''The Postal Dude:''' IsThereADoctorInTheHouse\
67	'''The Postal Dude:''' ''(at the beginning of EZ-Mart level)'' What? You don't sell ''POSTAL''?\
68	'''The Postal Dude:''' Here's your low-price guarantee.\
69	'''The Postal Dude:''' Now do you agree the customer's always right?\
70	'''The Postal Dude:''' Sorry! He checked out already!\
71	'''The Postal Dude:''' What do YOU MEAN this lane is closed?!\
72	'''The Postal Dude:''' ''(emotionally)'' You must be freezing! [[KillItWithFire Let me warm you up...]]\
73	'''The Postal Dude:''' Sorry, I'm out of hot towels. Will this do?\
74	'''The Postal Dude:''' [[SpoiledBrat Rich bastard!]]
75	* [=NPCs=] in Postal 2 are programmed to start vomiting if another NPC vomits on them. If these two [=NPCs=] happen to be facing each other, then this can lead to a constant loop of them repeatedly vomiting on each other.
76	* [[https://youtu.be/KKQX2k91Opk?t=15 The karaoke scene in Paradise Lost]]. The way the microphone keeps screeching as the Postal Dude ''doesn't even try to sing'' is just the icing on the cake.
77	* Peeing on Mike J while's he's in human form will result in [[spoiler:him dancing a little jig while the music from the nightclub plays.]]
78	* In ''Paradise Lost'', one of the errands is to collect $3000 for "charity". One problem: it takes absolutely forever, with you having to bother the townsfolk for donations, and each time they donate an utterly piddly amount. Each time, both Dudes will remark that seeing Zack Ward would be much quicker. If you ignore this and take the long way around, not only will it net you the "Hobo Sexual" achievement, but the Dude will mock you for it.
79	-->'''The Dude:''' [[SarcasmMode Gee, what an exciting life you must live.]] [[BreakingTheFourthWall I hope that was worth the achievement.]]
80	* After going to the prison for a job in Postal 4, you are told this:
81	-->'''The Warden:''' Only the most qualified and physically capable are worthy of grazing these fine walls. Now look, do you see that eye chart over there?\
82	'''The Dude:''' Yeah.\
83	'''Warden:''' Good, you're hired.
84	* The start of Postal 4 has the narrator talking about how life was for The Postal Dude.
85	-->'''The Narrator:''' After nearly losing it all, they come to realize that all they really need in life is their health, happiness, and that lightly trash heap on wheels they call home.\
86	'''The car starts up and takes away their "home"'''\
87	'''The Narrator:''' If they had remembered to lock the door that is.\
88	'''The Dude:''' Crap. Damnit Champ, I thought you were guarding the car.\
89	'''Champ is licking himself'''\

Context Funny / Postal